Letters / Writing a pitch for discover magazine - would it be accepted by an editor? [8]

Lissy, this letter is not enough to entice the Discover magazine editors to give you a shot. It does not work. It is not professional enough in format and content. It looks like a run of the mill, not really interesting nor relevant letter that doesn't have any impact upon the reader. There is no reason them to be interested in such generic references in your letter. In order to improve this, you have to write a new letter that will be better suited to a pitch format. What do you have to do to make this more interesting?

For starters, deliver a more interesting hook at the start. Don't narrate the facts of a story. Tell the story from start to finish in an interesting form. Who was the woman? Where did the story take place? When? Why should I care about what happened to her?

Next, tell me why I should care about this situation. Develop the context and explain why the reader should be interested in finding out about these developments. Of what importance is it to the readers of the magazine? Why do you think the article belongs in Discover? Just because this article of interest to you doesn't mean it targets the same magazine demographic. Sell the idea about why this article will be an excellent addition to their monthly issue.

Since you have already done the legwork for the article, cite the names of the people whom you interviewed for the article. Tell the magazine if you will be providing your own images or if they will have to provide the images for you. How do you plan to present the sidebar for this article? You already got one part right, you told the editor how many words you have in your article.

Before you can actually sell the editor on the idea for your story, he first has to have confidence that you are qualified to write this article. It can't just be based on other people's work or interviews. What makes you an authority on this issue Special knowledge, experience, personal interest or connection to the topic will be what mostly sells the article. If you are an authority who can create a personal connection to the article, you might have a chance to sell it. This can't just be an ordinary interview article. This is about a precise science so you should be able to impart personal opinions and knowledge as well.

Your closing presentation is weak and does not really present an idea of your strong personal belief in your article. "I hope to hear from you soon" is not really a very strong insistence on getting an answer out of them. Tell them you will call them to follow up or something. Show persistence in order to create a belief in your work. Tell them you want to discuss further improvements before print or something. Right now, I don't get that sense from your letter.

Writing Feedback / In the complex, industrial society nowadays, the quality of life is deteriorating [2]

To, you are becoming sloppy with your paraphrasing. You did not even bother to try and paraphrase the prompt discussion. You merely cut and paste the central theme in your opening statement. That is unacceptable and will result in a low to failing task accuracy score. Why did you not even try to change the presentation? You obviously understood the prompt because you were able to discuss the relevant topics properly, although with a number of grammar problems, so you had the ability to easily paraphrase the prompt for discussion if you wished to. I am disappointed that you did not even try do that. While you could possible score a 5 overall in the essay as far as I am concerned, I am not sure how an actual examiner would score you due to the plagiarism involved in your opening statement. You would probably get a score within a 4-5, depending upon the more intricate details that the examiners use in scoring essays.

Scholarship / Applicant's potential to attribute and/or drive social changes [12]

Both of the responses that you wrote could be used for the leadership prompt. Whichever way you choose to briefly respond to the question, what is clear is that you have leadership abilities regardless of the situation that you find yourself in. If it were up to me, I would integrate the two essays to develop the best leadership response that I can. Or, if you need to pick just one, then use the first one. I mean, use the one that starts out by saying:

Less than one year she has already fully understood ...

That was perfect for the leadership prompt. However, if you want to use the second version then that works too. The final decision about which essay to use as a response is really up to you. I am just giving you my opinion. I support whichever essay you want to use.

Writing Feedback / Task 1.The diagram shows how raw materials are used to make plastic products. Summarise the diagram. [3]

Minh, where is the diagram and instructions for this task? It will be difficult for me to offer you the correct reviews and revisions, or point for improvement if I do not know what your instructions are and what the diagram looked like for this task. I suggest that you upload both to this thread as soon as you can so that I can get a better idea as to how I can help you improve your writing skills. Good work though on writing more than 150 words. However, your conclusion is too short and does not meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement meant to help you properly close the essay. You will lose points for that in the actual test. In the meantime, I will wait for the diagram so that I can better review the content of the first two paragraphs for you. Please post the instructions and the diagram as soon as a you can. Thank you.

Scholarship / Leadership capacity and potential to play a role in development of the society [3]

Messal, since you previously posted this essay in the other thread, I am not sure if the moderators will allow this to stay on the board. I already commented on and advised you regarding this essay in particular there. I hope you can go and read it in the original thread that you posted. I will not repeat the advice here because the mods will most likely delete this thread or merge it with the old one, where you can read the complete advice that I developed for you. Please consider the advice given there in reference to which essay would best suit your purpose. You actually created a redundant reply even though you used two different prompts. I explained it better in the other thread. So I will just refer to that thread and hope that you can read it thoroughly and continue the discussion there instead. I believe I gave my final word on which brief statement you should use there.

Scholarship / How transport planning can change my country - OFID scholarship application [5]

Hi Pamela, I think that you can use this essay already. It contains the elements required of an OFID scholarship application as far as I can tell. you may want to double check the website to make sure that you have not missed any important points. I checked it myself just now and it seems to me that you have all the bases covered. However, you may want to further improve something in the essay content upon further review of your work in relation to the scholarship requirements. I don't suggest that though. The essay is already good enough to use. If you over analyze the content, you may ruin what is right now a perfectly usable essay. So consider this essay finalized and ready to submit. Good luck with your application. I hope you get the scholarship.

Scholarship / Applicant's potential to attribute and/or drive social changes [12]

Messal, not that you are asking but I think you should go with the third prompt about leadership for your brief response. You had the perfect response statement written out already. I am sad that you decided to change the prompt you responded to. I wish I had been here earlier so that you could have saved your time and effort in writing a new statement. The current essay that you have does not really respond to the prompt because there is no actual idea regarding your potential to enact social changes. The response you gave still veers a bit closer to the leadership response than an idea as to how you can drive social changes. My unsolicited advice is this, respond to the leadership prompt using the other version of the essay that you wrote. That is your strength and that is what you should concentrate on presenting to the reader.

Essays / The basic of non-verbal communication skills [6]

I can definitely help you check your essay. However, you should not post the essay in this thread. Always start a new thread for a new discussion such as your draft essay. Post it under the "Essays" section of the forum so that it will be reflected in the proper discussion forum and also have an applicable thread for the discussion. Please post your essay whenever you feel like it. Just remember to call my attention to your post and remind me at the start that we have already been discussing this essay in the non verbal thread. I can take it from there. I am very excited to see what your research has helped you to come up with. I am sure it will be an exciting read. Remember, use only valid academic sources. Absolutely no Wikipedia. That is the worst kind of source you can use in your research and usually results in an automatic fail with some teachers and professors.

Writing Feedback / A serious effort is the most important factor for a journey toward success [8]

Jan, you can always post the prompt requirement in the actual box along with the essay. It doesn't have to be in the title box. Place the prompt in the box before you post the essay. That way you have a title for your essay and the prompt provided at the same time. Based upon the discussion that you presented for the prompt, I can safely say that you did an adequate job of discussing the topic. Though you had some idiomatic problems and there are definite sentence structure errors, I believe that you will not score less than a 4 on this essay. With a little more practice, I do not doubt that you can score a 5 eventually for your future writing tests. You need to familiarize yourself with the proper use of idioms and also, learn to avoid redundancies in your presentation. Keep your discussion general in scope and try to avoid being specific like saying "successful man or celebrities", saying "a successful man is sufficient enough to prove your point.

Undergraduate / "One Last Chance"- Transfer essay for MIT [3]

Abdelmoniem, your essay does not end on a proper note. In fact, it abruptly ends without really creating a connection between your reasons for wanting to move to MIT based upon your previous experience at your university. This essay must be approached from a compare and contrast point of view. Therefore, when you say there are not enough clubs in your school, you switch that in your next sentence to explain how MIT can encourage your desired discussion among students through specific clubs. When you say that the lab word does not create a true learning environment for you, rather than sharing 2 negative stories, share only one. Make the other story a reference to how you have learned that the experiments at MIT are dealt with in a manner that is more akin / similar to the way you learn. These reasonable discussion will be more than enough to create a valid idea in the reviewers mind regarding the benefit of changing schools on your end. Don't forget to mention your current GPA and how you know that it can even be higher when you actually inspired to learn by those around you. Which is what you hope to experience at MIT.

Writing Feedback / PTE essay: Is it foolish to get married before completing studies [7]

Hi Ethan, I have to point out something in your essay before I go to the detailed scoring of your work. The opening statement has a particular section that is confusing to read. It is the second sentence that seems to not have decided upon which aspect of the prompt you wish to side with in your essay. You say that "Some are in favor of getting married before finishing studies is foolish, ". If the person speaking is in favor of getting married before graduating, then it should not be foolish. He supports the act, therefore, it is not foolish. However, those who oppose the idea can believe that such an act is foolish. Do you see the difference? Now on to the scoring.

Content - 2
Formal Requirement - 2
Development, Structure, and Coherence - 1
Grammar - 1
General Linguistic Range - 0
Vocabulary Range - 1
Spelling - 2

The reason for the 0 score in GRL is based upon the word foolish that was used in the wrong manner in the essay. Unfortunately, that really affected the overall precision by which you presented your ideas and had to be scored accordingly. You also used the word "But" to start a sentence which is academically unacceptable in formal writing.

Scholarship / Applicant's potential to attribute and/or drive social changes [12]

Hi Messal, I did not realize that there was a specific form for the application you are trying to complete. In that case, disregard my advice pertaining to that portion. Always remember, we will give advice here which are meant to help you. However, it is not applicable for some reason, then don't do it. You just need to inform us about the specific requirements of the application and we will adjust the advice to suit the demands of your application, such as in this case. That said, I am still looking forward to the revision that you will be posting. My previous advice was part of the more common format of recommendation letters, which is why I decided to point it out to you. I am thankful for your clarification about the requirements of the application. Do it the way you were instructed to do by the application documents.

Scholarship / Programmed to achieve goals. Self introduction-letter for Scholarship [10]

Aisu, don't bother including information about your high school interests in this essay. Your focal point needs to be on your college studies and your current profession. You have delivered an adequate explanation as to how you ended up working in a particular field when your interests seem to lie in another. There is a connection that can be seen by the reviewer.

However, your reasons for your interest in studying in Korea is not strong enough. Merely being interested in their culture, food, and performers does not constitute a driving reason to move to a country to study a particular course. Since you are interested in languages, why don't you mention something about how you were interested in the program because it is a one of a kind scholarship that allows you to grow your interest in languages a year before you study the academic side related to your masters degree.

As for your 3 main motivations for studying in Korea, all you have to do is present the information in paragraph form rather than the bullet points presentation that you have now. That will require just a little adjustment to the presentation but the bullet points are pretty much set in paragraph form already.

Essays / Tips on writing a solid comparative essay when my two novels don't have enough similarities? [7]

In a comparative essay, even the way the similarities are presented become part of the discussion. These are solid similarities that you can discuss because it offers two different presentations of the same topics. You already have an idea as to what shared themes they have. Basically, you have the foundation for your essay already. What you have to do now is look for particular chapters or quotes from the books that you can quote in your essay so that you can delve deeper into a comparison of the two. You can even look at the writing styles of the writers, comparing whom you believe to have the more effective writing style based upon the way their work affected your outlook or opinion of the books. It is relatively easy to write a comparison essay even if you have not read the books thoroughly. An internet search is all that is required for you to get an accurate feel of the similarities and differences in the book and even, get related quotes for your paper. Just remember, these are references and you still have to write an original opinion based upon your research results.

Scholarship / "There is no miracle in real life" Self-introduction for Korean scholarship [5]

I see a number of points where you can cut down on the content due to irrelevance to the prompt. Let me point those out for you below:

Paragraph 2: Summarize the points included in this paragraph. Shorten the references to your family by covering only the points directly related to your relationship with them. There is no need to outline the number of family members but, you can discuss your role in the family unit instead.

Paragraph 3: Revise the information to remove the reference to high school grades and your part time job. The part time job is not related to your current work so it is not necessary work experience. Instead, write a summary of your college studies, focusing on any important achievements you might have had.

Paragraph 4: You need to review that paragraph for content. Shorten it to only the most specific information regarding your additional studies. You can remove the first few sentences and instead, just open with the information about studying English for 6 months. Remove the reference to being a class monitor and all reference to working at the make up studio. Those are not relevant to your current line of interest for your studies.

Paragraph 5: Discuss the "brother countries" concept and how you feel it applies to your quest to study in Korea. Don't delve on the Korean dramas and the like because all other candidates will be discussing the same thing as their motivation and reason for wanting to study in Korea. Be unique. Find a more important reason for your interest.

Revising those portions should help you to better fit the essay into a single page, font size 10.

Writing Feedback / The process of producing cement and making concrete which is raw material from cement for building [4]

Anabel, the first paragraph does not completely give an overview of the cement and concrete making process. The outline is incomplete because the points of comparison, which are required by the prompt, are not clearly represented in the overview. You have to expand the summary information by at least 2 - 4 more sentences.

There is a redundancy or repetition in the second paragraph. When you say " the product passes through the rotating heater", there is no reason to repeat the words "rotated with heat" in the sentence. That is a redundancy or a method by which you say the same thing twice. That will lessen your GA score so avoid doing that.

Finally, since you are discussing a diagram. You can either discuss the diagram as something that is currently happening and use the present tense descriptions. Or, you can pretend it already happened and use the past tense descriptors. You cannot mix the two time lines in the essay. Pick one time line to discuss and use the appropriate presentation for it.

Scholarship / My idea is about making SAMSUNG the only leading company in Africa [10]

While this is an improvement, you still have not represented the last two parts of the prompt requirement in the essay. These are requirements pertaining to the reason why you chose the KGSP program in particular to support you in relation to your desired masters degree studies and why you decided to study in Korea. These are two of the most important factors in the essay that will help convince the reviewer that you are serious about studying in Korea and that you will succeed in your line of interest while living in Korea for a number of years after graduation. Try to do some research about the industry that you are interested in joining, If it is Samsung that is of high interest to you and the main reason you want to study in Korea, then explain why that is. How can the sponsorship of KGSP help you in achieving that goal? Think about why Korea is the best place for you to study and expand on the idea. It can be related to the field of study, the culture, the language, you need something that will clearly explain your decision to study in Korea instead of other countries that offer the same masters degree opportunities.

Scholarship / Applicant's potential to attribute and/or drive social changes [12]

Messal, since you are writing this for someone else, there are actually parts that you have to remove because it is obvious that you are the one who wrote the letter and not the person supposedly recommending you. There are some important parts that you have to include in this letter.

First, include the name, position, and length of relationship that you have had with this person. Include information about how you and this person came to work together at the company. Include the company name and list some of the clients that the two of you supposedly worked together on to create an impression on the reader.

Second, your second paragraph makes reference to clients from your previous employment. That is what will tell the reader that you most likely faked this letter of recommendation. Since this person is supposed to be part of your present / immediate past company, the information about your previous employers should not be something she is referring to. Remove any and all references that make it clear that this was written by the applicant instead of the person making the recommendation. A reviewer can spot a fake recommendation immediately. So be very careful about the content of your letter.

Finally, please write the essay using past tense alone. That is because of the events and situations in the letter have already happened and do not continue into the present. Therefore you should not use present tense in the essay. More importantly, do not use "this" to refer to the information provided. Use the plural form "These" instead.

Essays / You are to start a new job next week but you will not be able to because you have some problems: [6]

Ahmad, where is the letter draft that you wrote? We have nothing to review,advice, and help you correct the content of your work if you have not done the work yet. I hope that you do not think that we will do the letter writing for you here. We only advice you regarding your work so we can help you become a better writer. We are not a writing service. The instructions of your teacher are very clear and does not require any additional explanation. However, if a part of the instruction is unclear to you, then ask for a clarification here and we will do our best to explain it to you.

Just be imaginative and creative in writing the letter so that you can complete it. Imagine the kind of company you hope to work for and what position that is. Then think of a situation that will prevent you from starting on your dream job. Those are the two starting points that you can use for writing the draft of your letter. The rest of the information should flow naturally for you from those points.

Again, if you need additional advice, then post your question. But don't ask for an example about how to write it. We will not do the writing for you. You won't learn how to write better in English that way.

Writing Feedback / Unemployment is inevitable issue in the society, especially among school leavers [5]

The main problem with your essay is the opening statement. It does not contain the correct information. The opening statement is supposed to do a number of things:

1. Present a paraphrased version of the prompt for the benefit of the reader.
2. Present the outline of your discussion without offering any actual information yet.
3. Assure the reader that the essay will conform to the requirements of the discussion.

What you did was, you presented immediate information in the opening statement. That is not how it is done. You can offer clues as to the discussion that is to take place, but not offer the actual topics for discussion yet. So you need to learn how to hold back some information when writing your opening statement. The rest of your essay delivers as best as it can in terms of the discussion. Grammar problems abound but do not cause too much undue stress on the reader. So I guess that the lowest grade this essay can get will be a 5.

Writing Feedback / Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job [12]

Your outline should be based upon the prompt requirements. So the prompt requirement is for you to discuss whether men and women should be excluded from certain jobs due to gender. The outline of the discussion should go something like this:

I. Prompt summary
a. Paraphrasing prompt
b. Present both sides
c. Present personal opinion

II. Present Side A
a. Public opinion
b. Justification
c. Example

III. Present Side B
a. Public opinion
b. Justification
c. Example

IV. Present Personal Opinion
a. Opinion
b. Justification
c. Example

V. Conclusion
a. Present new paraphrased prompt
b. Present both sides in summary form
c. Present personal opinion summary
d. Closing sentence

Writing Feedback / Unemployment is inevitable issue in the society, especially among school leavers [5]

Rohznaz, you forgot to post the complete prompt requirements for this essay before you posted your response. I wish you had not forgotten to do that. That information would have helped me to better assess your essay in terms of quality and content. Now, I am reduced to giving only a general review of your essay. Please post the essay prompt as soon as you can so that I can give you more useful and relevant advice towards writing your next essay.

If you did paraphrase the prompt requirements in your opening statement, that is not clear to the reader. The paragraph does not clearly explain the point of the essay, what you are expected to discuss, and how you are supposed to discuss it. That lack of clarity comes from the fact that I cannot access the complete prompt requirement.

Why did you use an underscore when you wrote the term " self- confidence, self - control" ? As you can see, the proper way to write those terms was through the use of dash signs to signal a connected word. Don't use underscore signs in an academic essay. That is not something that is used in formal writing. Actually, the underscore is only used to underline words when using a typewriter. Since yo are using a computer to type the document, you will not need to use an underscore to underline important words.

Your essay is really confusing at the moment. The grammar issues are very bad because the reader is left wondering about the point of your idea, sentiment, or discussion. Basically, without the prompt requirement to refer to, your essay does not make any sense in terms of discussion.

It is pretty obvious that you were given a series of instructions that your discussion was supposed to be based upon. You need to provide the prompt requirement so that we can help you better develop your response essay.

Scholarship / How transport planning can change my country - OFID scholarship application [5]

Pamela, it would be best if you inform the reviewer of your acceptance to an accredited university within your essay. That way you show the committee that you are more than qualified to pass the screening part of the scholarship criteria. It is vital that you discuss how you plan to use your advanced knowledge in helping your country. Think of it as a post study plan being presented to the scholarship committee for consideration. What specific project do you have in mind for your country that you hope to implement when you get back after graduation? I don't see any clear reference to your post study plans in this essay. In fact, your essay seems to concentrate only on your previous experience. By the way, don't include the mention of your mother because that takes the attention of the reviewer away from you. Since your mother is not an integral part of the scholarship application process, don't refer to her at all. Also, don't lecture the reviewer about the GDP of Malawi unless your plan to help the country is directly related to that. In which case, if you are presenting a plan in relation to the GDP, shorten the background discussion and bring the focus to the expected effectiveness of your plan instead. So, your only problem paragraphs in this essay are paragraphs 1 and 2. If you adjust the essay using the advice given here or by referring to the requirements on the website of the scholarship program, the essay should fall into place with regards to delivering only the necessary information to the scholarship committee members.

Writing Feedback / Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job [12]

I am not sure what you mean by "Like job for everyone". Would you mind completing the reference for me? I need to be clear about what you are asking me before I can respond properly to your question. In reference to why you cannot edit your original thread anymore, that is because the threads have a time limit within which you can edit your original content. If you want to make any changes after the deadline passes, you have to post a new message in the same thread. That is the only way you can revise your essay for our review. So I suggest that you revise the essay and then post it in this thread as a new version. In return, we will continue to review the thread with you until you get it right. As of now, we can only offer you advice regarding the original essay because you have not posted a revised version yet.

Writing Feedback / A serious effort is the most important factor for a journey toward success [8]

Jan, it is imperative that you provide us with a copy of the TOEFL essay prompt that you are responding to in order to get an accurate review and possible score for your essay. At the moment, the essay cannot be scored properly due to the lack of the prompt requirement. I am unable to get a final reading on your work because I do not know if you accurately represented the prompt requirement and used adequate examples in your work.

So far, the essay has a number of grammatical issues including the use of English idioms in the wrong manner. While "you lucky dog" is a friendly insult, it is still an insult to the person being addressed. Since you are writing an academic essay, try to not use idioms if you are not sure of the context of the word. You do not want to insult someone accidentally. The term that you used should only be used among the closest of friends, never in public, never in a strange setting, never to a stranger, and most specially, never in an academic paper.

Your set of examples seem to be accurate. How accurate a representation it is of the prompt requirement is another issue. So I will reserve further comments on your essay till such a time that you share the original prompt with us. I want to make sure that I give you the best possible review of your work in order to help you improve your writing skills.

Scholarship / Wings are meant to fly: Letter of Self-Introduction - 2017 KGSP Graduate Program [2]

Fabiola, the portion that you have in parenthesis is not necessary because it doesn't relate to your becoming an advanced plastic surgeon. I assume that is the masters degree you are applying to right? Something in the field of medical science related to that? So you don't need that unrelated information. When you discuss the development of your interest, do not go all the way back to childhood and your mother's anatomy books. Instead, focus on how your interest in plastic surgery grew and developed. What intrigued you about plastic surgery? What motivates you to become the best plastic surgeon that you can be? Answer those two questions and your motivation to enroll in this course becomes clear.

Your reason for studying in Korea needs to be made more definite. You say that Korea has the best plastic surgery school. So, tell the reader, what school is that? Have you already applied for admission? Were you accepted or do you hope to be accepted? What set that university apart from the others in your mind so that you feel like you cannot accomplish the proper advanced training you desire by studying in a different country ? What is it about Korean surgery that makes you feel like you can succeed there?

Try your best to show a familiarity with the educational requirements of the Korean university and why you are confident that you can deliver their expectations? These are the tweaks that your essay needs in order to deliver the missing link in terms of information in your letter of self - introduction.

Graduate / To make India independent of fossil fuels; Motivational letter for Masters in Renewable Energy [5]

Malavika, I am not sure how the quote of Elon Musk relates to your motivation to pursue a masters in Renewable Energy. Unless you can tie in that quote to something personal about your desire to become a renewable energy expert, the quote doesn't really make sense. While the rest of your essay is really interesting, it would be nice if you could include a part about why you were motivated to enroll at this particular university. In a motivational letter, you are expected to show a semblance of how studying at the university has served to motivate you to reach for a higher level of academic learning. Look into the masters program of the university and deliver at least a paragraph long explanation of how the university curriculum or training program has helped to further motivate your desire to learn how to help your country through the use of alternative energy.

Speaking of alternative energy, I believe that you should add a summation of the existing problems in energy that your country has, aside from the ineffective government rules, that have motivated you to pursue this course. For example, you can explain a particular problem in energy resources or something related to your course that you hope to develop a better understanding of in order to better deal with the situation back home.

Another thing that you can do to help you further improve your letter is read the instructions the university provides for the content of an applicants motivational letter. What specific information does the university look for? Maybe some special student abilities or traits are required of the applicants. It does not sound to me like you consulted the university website or application packet before you wrote this letter. So you have to double check the requirements and make sure that your essay properly represents the reviewer's expectations in order to create a better chance of writing a supportive motivational letter.

Writing Feedback / It's popular for teenagers to travel or to work for a year before studying into next level [7]

Ho, I believe that you can score an overall 5 in this essay. That is because you have made sufficient use of cohesive devices, delivered a somewhat coherent thought process, and responded to the task accurately using acceptable simple sentences and words. While there may be a problem with your grammar accuracy, your errors in grammar did not hinder the reader's understanding of the explanations that you delivered in every paragraph. There is a slight inaccuracy in the way that you paraphrased the prompt but the end result still contained the essence of the original discussion point so it is an acceptable enough paraphrasing of the original topic. While you did write more than the 250 words, I feel like you should have written at least three hundred words in order to have presented a more accurate summary and recap of the previously provided information in the closing paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Does the punishment required in order to educate a children? [4]

Riyan, this is a faulty discussion of the prompt. For starters, your paraphrased topic is not in line with the original prompt. You lack a personal opinion presentation and you did not clearly indicate which side yo will be supporting in the essay. In relation to that, this is not supposed to be written as a comparison essay. Which is what you wrote. The instruction of the prompt indicates that you are to pick one side that you agree with and base the whole essay discussion upon only 2 topics. The first topic will be the opinion you have regarding punishment based upon the provided information. The second topic, should be all about the kind of punishment that you believe children should be served for any wrong doing. One that will be appropriate enough to teach them a lesson. Then justify why you think this kind of punishment will work. As you can see, your essay does not follow this line of information presentation. It is actually performing a different task than the one assigned by the prompt. So this essay will not get a passing score in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job [12]

It was confusing because you did not refer to the German Chancellor until the next paragraph. If you want to use a term to describe a person's character or ability, you will need to present that information within the paragraph that discusses that person. Depending the time that is allotted for the development of your essay discussion, it might be good for you to first outline your topics for discussion so that you will be able to follow a cohesive flow of information presentation. A simple outline will suffice. It is just a reference for you to use while writing your essays so that you will not accidentally mix up your presentation as you accidentally did with this essay. Eventually, you will learn how to outline the essay mentally and you will be able to write without referring to your written outline list.

Scholarship / Self-Introduction "being a teacher is my dream" [2]

Monita, your essay focuses solely on your academic experience and work related experience. You did not manage to respond to the parts of the essay that require you to explain your motivation for applying to this program and the reason why you wish to study in Korea. In addition to that, you also do not discuss your point of view about life, along with your hopes and dreams for your future as a professional. So this is a very incomplete essay that needs to be totally revised to represent the missing elements.

By the way, unless the grammar problems affect the clarity of your sentence or paragraph, it is best not to change the way you present it by having us correct it. This is a preliminary interview so if you get past the first round of considerations, you will be asked to eventually attend a face to face interview. If you cannot express yourself properly in the actual interview but have perfect grammar on paper, your application will be affected. Leave your voice, your manner of speaking intact. We will let you know if you need to revise any part of the essay for clarity sake.

Make sure that you explain why you have chosen to attend a particular university in Korea. It is best if you have a specific university in mind to attend because your reason for studying in Korea can be academic based rather than the more common social based reasons. The social based reasons are not as compelling and do not really indicate a desire to spend academic time in Korea.

The motivation you have for applying to this program should be more than just about your country not offering this academic program. You could apply to any other country in that case. So why did you decide upon Korea in particular? Why the KGSP program? What sets the program and the country apart from the other options for study available to you? You can consider the response to these questions in terms of your hopes and wishes, your plans for your future, and other similar themes if you wish. Sometimes you can combine the questions into one paragraph if your response to those questions are inter-related.

Writing Feedback / Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. [3]

Wow! Json, you blew this discussion out of the water! What an almost perfect discussion you presented in defense of your opinion. The fact that you use a personal example in defense of your belief, and in such an accurate manner, will definitely increase your task accuracy score. The grammar corrections also helped to boost your score in the GRA section. Now, while there are still some parts that do not have perfect sentence development due to some mistakes in sentence formation, this version does not cause any undue stress on the reader. Your discussion, while showing some grammar problems, comes across clear and understandable in terms of content. So no worries there. I would score this essay a 6 overall. Word of advice, please work on developing your past tense usage skills. Practice those in order to help you better establish your time line discussions in your essay. For example when you said "But as the games was evolving..." , the correct presentation would have been "... the games evolved..."

Writing Feedback / Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. [3]

Json, please post the complete prompt for this essay discussion. The prompt must always accompany all of your future essay postings if you want us to be able to give you an accurate and thorough review of your work. There are 4 considerations in scoring your essay that will be based upon your ability to respond to the prompt instructions. Right now, I will unable to score those sections as I do not know what the prompt expects you to present in your response essay.

Overall though, you have some grammar structure errors such as having a slash sign along with an apostrophe S. It is important that you review your work for punctuation errors before submission so that you can have a better score in the grammar accuracy range of the scoring considerations. That also goes for the way that you spell words. I think you meant to say "branch" instead of "brach" right? You also need to know the difference between words. Just because the word sounds the same when pronounced does not mean that the word you spelled is the one to be used in the sentence. You should have said "waste" of time, not "waist". The waist is a body part while waste means "use or expend carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose." If you are unsure about the way to use a word, and you know how to spell it, look up the meaning first. Don't just use the word because, when used in the wrong manner in a sentence, this will result in a lower lexical score for yourself.

The rest of the discussion seems to be alright. Again, I am making that judgement without knowing what the actual discussion type and information requirement of your essay is. I can offer a better insight into your work once you post the complete prompt here.

Writing Feedback / The propotion of elder people aged 65 and over in three different countries [2]

Fadhil, you have written a very interesting report. It is not mechanical in nature because it shows a clear analysis of the information provided. Although, your opening statement was short as it requires a minimum 3 sentences to accurately represent a complete thought process in a paragraph. You could have expanded on the statement about the upward trend for the third sentence by showing the placement of the countries in terms of the upward trend. Who was in first, second, and third place would have made the opening statement more complete in information presentation.

I am sure that you only overlooked the fact that the tightest point of intersection for the percentage points was at 20% while the three countries began to intersect, information wise, at 15 %. You could have missed that if you did not enlarge the image and only reviewed the minimal version of the chart. Congratulations on writing 177 words. You used more than the minimum word requirement and that certainly helped you to create this informative chart.

Your ability to analyze the given information as accurately as possible is well reflected and you managed to cover almost all the important information of the essay. Any grammar problems involved did not really matter because you still presented an understandable summary of the given chart information. I think you would score anywhere from a 5-6 for your work in this essay.

Scholarship / Current duties and responsibilities / human resource development - Australian Award Scholarship [4]

Rumiela, your first prompt response just needs to be adjusted in presentation in order to make it more coherent. Since you have 100 words to work with, then present each reference to your duties and responsibilities as a completely developed sentence. That way, you avoid the phrase type presentation that you have in the statement at the moment. You will also better present the essay if you use the first person pronouns (I , me , my, myself) when you describe your work . Revising the presentation accordingly will help you create a more understandable presentation to the reviewer.

In the second prompt, I believe that you should revise your answer. You are talking about how the course will help you on the job when what the reviewer really wants to know about is, "How will you apply what you have learned on the job?" Specifically, "Where will your studies be most helpful to you in terms of application of your newly learned skills?" Your response in this area should relate in a direct manner to the current duties and responsibilities that you have at the organization.

Remember, 100 words is the maximum count. You do not have to present 100 words for the statement response if you do not have 100 words to describe your answer. As long as you write more at least half of the word requirement (50 words) your response will be acceptable to the reviewer. The word count actually depends upon you. If you feel that you should use 100 words in your response per question, then do so. Just make sure you write at least 50 words as an answer to each of the questions provided.

Letters / He has sterling communication skill - giving approval for talent of a student [5]

Hi Bagu, remove the reference to "During his study in college..." he has already established that he observed you as a student when you "joined the university" that is enough of a reference to your studying college. Don't say "community service subject", it is sufficient to say "community service" because that is an extra curricular activity done at school. You are not graded for it. Therefore, it is not a program either but merely, an activity. Were the seminars you attended "on campus"? Meaning, these were course related seminars? If you attended these seminars "off campus" meaning on your own and it is not required in your course, then your dean has no business mentioning it in this essay because he doesn't know about it. Another point to remove is the part that says you have the ability to transfer the client's need to computing language. As your dean, he should not be making such assumptions. That is an over-statement.

Make the corrections I mentioned above and then review the essay again. This time, read it from the point of view of a reviewer as I do. If you feel that there are certain parts that make it obvious that this recommendation letter was developed by the student and not the dean, as I often caught you doing and am asking you to change now, then remove those parts totally. The reviewers know when the letter is self serving (written by the student) and will then begin to question the authority and validity of the letter you are writing. Yes, the university could go so far as to call your university and confirm that the letter was indeed written by the dean and not the student.

Graduate / Great interest on computer science - SOP: M.Sc. in Artificial Intelligence [3]

Boniface, while I understand that your interest in computers started in childhood, reviewers frown upon such references because a child is not expected to decide on his career or concentrate on an actual ambition in terms of profession until he reaches high school. Which is why childhood interactions with a specific field are not mentioned in college and masters degree applications. In fact, your whole approach to the opening statement is wrong because you refer to your childhood experience first.

The strongest opening statement that you can create will be the one that shows how you came to a realization that your current abilities in computers and A.I. can only take you so far in your line of work. What problems did you eventually begin to face and how did you deal with it while you lacked advanced training in this field? This will be the solid reasons that led to your decision to enroll in MS classes.

In a normal SOP, the college education is all but overlooked in favor of the more important work experience of the applicant. Therefore, your college background should only mention the university and year you graduated, along with any specific accomplishments you had a student. In addition to this, discuss any advanced training or seminars you attended in line with the work that you do. Explain how those seminars and training helped lay the foundation for your advanced studies and also, gave you the opportunity to better yourself as a member of this professor. If you made a thesis for college graduation, briefly discuss it in this essay. Mentioning if it was published and if you are planning to continue working on that research as a masters student. However, if you pursuing a non-thesis MS degree, there is no reason to mention that part.

The most impressive part of your statement will be the professional part that deals with your current career path and whether or note your clients have been impressed with your work. If you have done any exceptional work for them that led to your being recognized by the client, then relate that as well.

You basically have a very strong professional background. So that will bode well for your application. However, your earlier presentation in relation to your studies needs to be shortened to only the important points as I described above. Try to edit your essay for content based upon the suggested items because those are the essential parts that need to be developed properly in your work. By editing the content and revealing only the information required by the prompt requirements, you will be able to narrow down your word count to even less than 500. If done properly that is.

Writing Feedback / Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job [12]

Shoruh, while your overall essay presents some pretty valid and strong arguments, the opening statement of your essay is wanting in information and task accuracy response. The introduction to the topic does not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement and does not accurately portray the discussion in question. There should have been a sentence that clearly depicts the discussion as being about the fact that men and women have commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Then add that there are some sectors that believe that due to these differences, it would be right to exclude certain genders from specific lines of work. Then, and only then, should you have given your opinion. That way, the topic outline for discussion would have been clearly depicted within your opening statement and prepared the reader for the discussion to come.

When you write these essays, it would be best to use as many of keywords as possible within so that you can prove that you have the lexical ability to understand the meaning of the words in the original statement and also, use the term in the proper context within your own presentation. By the way, when you say "prohibited for females", that is a plural representation so the last part of the sentence should have been "in their hearts".

Writing Feedback / IELTS (unpaid work is important for the young people?) [6]

Runaki, you have failed the overall task accuracy for this test. That is because you improperly represented the discussion in your paraphrasing / overview paragraph as well as in your conclusion. Let us not even begin to point out the haphazard way that you wrote this essay. The careless in your spelling, the way that you did not even bother to proof read for errors in your work, and the way that you just did not seem to care to pass this practice test by treating it like an actual exam, has resulted in an overall failure of your scores for this test.

It is important Runaki, that you treat this test as you would the actual test because this is the only time you will have to make mistakes and perfect your possible score to the best of your abilities. This essay does not show any attempt on your part to achieve at least passing scores for most of the 4 criteria that you will be judged on. For your sake, I will not even tell you what possible score you can get for this work because I do not want to be unfair to you. I want to give you another chance to write the next practice test in the proper manner. Treat it like the real test. If you can pass the series of practice tests, your possibility of passing the actual test becomes better.

Letters / He has sterling communication skill - giving approval for talent of a student [5]

Bagu, when was the Dean your professor? He mentioned that you were his student. So you need to include a reference to the class that he taught and how you performed in it. If you were never his student, then you should just remove that point in the essay so that the sentence and paragraph makes more sense to the reader. By the way, don't keep your name in the parenthesis. Your name should be part of the opening sentence. If there is one thing missing in this reference from your dean, it is a reference to your grade performance as well any recognition and awards that you received from the university during your time as a student. The reason that you should refer to this is because the dean normally reserves his recommendation letters for the most exemplary students of the university. Therefore, to have him write this letter and not refer to your accomplishments as a student makes the reference questionable. You could make reference to accomplishments or recognition you received when you attended those seminars if you do not have any academic accolades to speak of. Just remember, the reference of a dean is a big deal, so make it count. Make sure that he sings praises of you, in terms of accomplishments whenever you can.