Scholarship / My former supervisor at Tanzania Cigarette Company had the best leadership and influencing skills [12]

Msonga, the additional information that you have provided in your essay really helps to enhance your leadership abilities explanation. The explanation about how much you admire and learned from your mentor gives the reviewer an insight into the kind of future leader that you will be. It is important to establish that you have a role model in terms of leadership because your abilities as a leader does not grow overnight. It comes from the influence, guidance, mentoring, and leadership of other people in your life. That is a solid point depicted in your essay.

I have a question regarding your second paragraph though. While you mention the A&SP cycles that you successfully won together with your team, we don't really have any information about the team. You need to share some information about the team so that the reviewer can understand why this win is so important to you. What is the team name? What was the purpose of the competition? How and why were you chosen to become the team leader? The additional information will help you better explain and depict your role as the team leader during this leadership experience.

Your role as an influential leader in the UDSM - MBBC is a bit lacking. It is not important for us to know that these kids were employed soon after graduating. What we do need to know is the kind of role that you played in influencing them. What kind of mentoring did you do? How did you inspire them to continue to dream and reach their goals? Did your leadership abilities have any role to play in influencing these young minds?

I am sorry about posing new questions for you to deal with in the essay. I really believe that these questions will help enhance the essay and also help us to better edit the essay to be short and informative when the time to create the final version comes. I can see the grammar errors that need to be corrected but I am not going to address those until I am sure that all that is left to do with the essay is the final edit.

I look forward to reading the next version of the essay :-) I hope you won't get tired of editing it into its final form.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analitical Writing. Issue task: "Reliance on technology to solve problems". [7]

The first thing you have to understand is that English cannot be transliterated from your spoken language. That means that a sentence in your mother tongue that makes perfect sense to you, when translated word for word into English, will most likely result in an incomprehensible translation of the thought. Such is the common mistake of most English as a second language speakers and writers. I believe that this is the very same reason that your English language and your mode of expression in English suffers so badly at the moment.

Where do I begin with your grammar errors? There are just too many at the moment to point out. My suggestion, is that you enroll in English language classes in order to help support your GRE review. Formal lessons either in person or online pertaining to written English will help you immensely. Since you are taking a written test, we don't need to worry about the spoken English aspect at this point. Besides, the spoken part will be helped by your improved writing skill since you have to think of the sentences you have to write.

I am not going to recommend any actual books to you regarding how to improve your grammar. Rather, I would like you to consider studying the English sentence and word structure rules online. You could learn about the proper way to develop a basic English sentence from websites like Lingua Press. They have a comprehensive website covering the rules of English grammar. It is easy to understand and comes with a number of examples that will easily help you understand how to write the sentences in a coherent manner :-)

As for your writing skills, you need to first practice writing simple English sentences before you launch into the more complex GRE essays. Again, websites like To Learn English offer you a multitude of English sentence formation tests from the basic structure to the more complex and advanced practice tests. These practice tests can help you learn to properly structure and compose English sentences over a period of time.

In the long run, if you combine the online reviewer, online sentence practice tests, and your GRE essay reviewer, you might be able to develop a high level of English proficiency. How much time do you have before you take the GRE? I hope my suggestions can also help you better prepare for the test :-)

Undergraduate / College to master the Japanese language - conclusion revision... [2]

Grant, please look at the the contents of your first paragraph. It contains your motivation for learning the Japanese language, along with with the culture and heritage of the Japanese people. That is very clear and yet, it does not help respond to the prompt. I think it is because of the quote from Dragon Ball Z. It kind of removes the seriousness of your application. I also do not see it as having a direct relation to the required response to the prompt.

The second paragraph, does not help your statement either. It seems that you were at a loss for words at the time and decided to fill the space by simply repeating information about the university that is already common knowledge. You need to look for the real motivation that you have for opting to change schools. The reasons could be anything from a better curriculum, a better internship package, the chance to attend an exchange student program, or even better chances at gaining employment overseas. The original and logical reasons for wishing to change schools are in endless supply if you just take the time to sit back and consider the reasons as it applies to you.

That said, I wish to point out that that your third and last paragraph is exactly what the prompt is looking for. So, I really believe that this should go up on your statement draft as the first paragraph instead. Focus your response on the difference between the two schools. Compare the chance that you have to gain more knowledge at the University of Illinois. Explain that you feel that your current university can only take you so far in terms of learning about East-Asian culture. Mention any activities that Illinois offers that you feels gives it an edge over your current university. Why do you think that changing universities will be of a clear benefit to you in the end?

It is clear that you have a career path in mind and you need to somehow reflect that in the essay by connecting the path to your current academic needs. Why do you believe that the University of Illinois will be able to help you fast track your consular career? Those should be more than enough information to help you establish your academic and professional goals. It is at this point, in what should be your second paragraph, that you discuss your complete career goals. From passing the JLPT N4, volunteering for WWOOF, and finally, getting that consul job.

Good luck with your application. I hope my assessment can help you better develop your response statement :-)

Writing Feedback / 'specific atmosphere that the school creates' - BOSTON UNIVERSITY [3]

Katiyoun, I don't think that this is a very effective statement. The reasons that you look to attend Boston University are not really clear in your essay. You seem to be fixated on something about world culture and a world of learning. However, there is no real connection with your desire to attend Boston University. It lacks a central thought that could reflect your interests in the university as an academic institution and as a student community.

Please consider looking at at the reasons that you want to attend the university from a different point of view. Cite the academic programs that you feel will help you gain the kind of education you are looking for. Show an interest in a specific social activity that the students participate in. Give the reviewer an idea of what you understand about the university.

This is the point in your application when you have to do a little research and show the reviewer that you understand what the university is all about. That you can manage to tie in their mission and objectives into you own life and embody their message as a member of the student body. Right now, your response contains only information about the university that the reviewer already knows. So he won't really understand why you are telling him information about his university instead of giving a specific answer to the prompt.

I believe that you can better direct your essay response if you reconsider the reasons that you want to attend the university and try to relate it more towards the potential relationship that you will have with the student community and the academic crowd of the university.

Undergraduate / I love.... fish tanks -- Columbia Essay [3]

Adam, the fish tank analogy is an excellent representation of your interest in Columbia. However, it could be presented in a more interesting manner. Paragraph 1 can actually be improved by better representing the analogy in terms of the Columbia community. I would have approached the introduction this way:

The student community of Columbia University reminds me of a fish tank. A community of people moving around in one community, and yet, not a single member of the community can be considered to the same as the other They co-exist in the same surroundings, using their differences to make the community better and more habitable for everyone living there. The fish are friends and none are enemies. They live in harmony and understanding of one another. .In a fish tank, the Cichlids originate from Africa; lionfish originate from the Indo-Pacific region; loaches initially came from East Asia, all of these fishes come from different waters, have different experiences, and yet, they can come together to create a thriving small community in the tank. It seems so trivial to enjoy watching the fish elegantly glide across each other however what really attracts me to fish is what the collection of fish represents. The complex combination of fish and plants is truly mesmerizing. Columbia offers me the same vital diversity that I desire after having seen an example of the life in the fish tank.

If you think that introduction is more effective for your essay, then feel free to use it :-)

When you discuss your father and his difference with the neighbor, don't leave it hanging by saying he should view more fish. Complete the thought behind that analogy. Actually, I don't think this paragraph is necessary in this essay because it is not related to your point of view regarding what is appealing about Columbia. I believe that your first statement alone is more than enough to respond to the prompt. Specially if you revise it based upon my suggestion above. You should save the paragraph about your father for the Stanford essay instead. I think it fits better into that prompt.

Writing Feedback / Teaching science at the primary school - importance, consequences and controversy [5]

Anna, this is a better developed essay than the first. However, there are still grammatical errors that need to be addressed. So let me give you a helping hand in that area:

Par. 1:
It is irrefutable that which LEARNING materials WHICH should be taught to students
must be taught at the primary school LEVEL or IF it is not necessary

Par. 2:
On the one hand, students must study science at the primary school LEVEL because of a great deal of advantages.
students should WILL concentrate on their lessons more, which makes students need to do hard working.
Second, for IN ORDER TO learning science, students have to solve challenging problems which need to make mental algorithms in the minds.

Par. 3:
On the other hand, science study is not necessary for elementary students. Learning science IS A SUBJECT THAT needs to focus on
And their THEIR motivations to continue their education decline considerably.
needs some extra facilities such as laboratory, texts and additional teachers at the primary school LEVEL.
Therefore, it leads to astronomical AN ADDITIONAL expense of FOR THE educational hubs.

Par. 4:
In final analysis, I would like to pen down arguing that studying the sciences may lead to have a negative effects
push students to work hard in AT early age.

Scholarship / The leadership skills demonstrated in different aspects since the school days; Question of Chevening [3]

Waliza, if you would just remove the reference to your leadership abilities during your school days, along with the accomplishments that you had which were not really based upon leadership, the essay will be more direct to the point. The best example of your leadership skill for this essay will be the the work you did with the "BRAC Financial Diaries Project". Opening the essay with that paragraph will definitely show that you have current, profession related leadership skills. Bringing the reviewer's attention to that accomplishment immediately will have a stronger impact than telling him you were class president. Remember, when you are applying for a masters degree scholarship with an important world wide institution, it is always best to use your strongest selling point at the very start .

You need to further discuss your participation in this project in order to highlight your leadership skills. Try to give some more information about the situations that called upon your leadership abilities. I noticed that your story includes some conflict regarding the problems the researchers faced and also, the methodology by which the research was supposed to be done. The solution to all of those fell upon your shoulders as the leader of the group. So discuss how you addressed and resolved the situation in detail. It is not enough to just mention it, we need to see how your leadership skills grew out of the situation.

There is a part in your essay where you say that another project of the same kind of being placed under your leadership because of the way that you handled this particular assignment. As such, I expect that you received some sort of accolades or awards pertaining to leadership. If you did, kindly mention it in the essay as that will be one very strong point that will drive home your leadership abilities in the eyes of the reviewer.

As a leadership essay, your work only requires some minor adjustments. Your work as a leader is notable and thus, makes this a very interesting essay to read. Good luck!

Scholarship / Chevening: Networking Question - exchanging information with people who can help you professionally [3]

Sebastine, You don't have to explain what networking means to the reviewer. Most specially, you don't need to place that at the very beginning of your essay. The quote from Robert Kiyosaki would have been a nice touch if you had used it as your opening sentence instead. Maybe you can still edit the essay regarding that?

You most certainly portrayed an excellent networking skill in this essay. However, I believe that you should explain how the NAPS network led you to the doors of Chevening in a separate paragraph. While I do not believe that you need to mention this in the essay, you already have it there alongside the story of NAPS, so we should use it to your advantage in a way. The story of the network that got to this scholarship application will show the reviewer how you use networking to your advantage :-)

I don't think your World Solar Association activity really helps to move along your networking skills discussion. Would you feel comfortable deleting that part? It just seems to stand apart from the rest of the essay in my opinion. Unless you can create a networking discussion for it, I don't think it should be in the essay.

In the part regarding your plans for networking through Chevening, I think you need to clarify the following part; "unify a group of Nigerian Chevening Alumni Association this will enable Chevening scholars" make sure you specify Nigerian Chevening scholars since your group is quite specific about its membership. In the same paragraph, you keep on using the term "over time", try to vary the words you use. While i was reading that part, I thought I had repeated reading the same line because you closed it with the same words. You need to make sure that each line stands out on its own.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analitical Writing. Issue task: "Reliance on technology to solve problems". [7]

While I will admit that your English grammar requires you to attend more English tutorial classes for both written and oral and communication in order to help you better develop your expression skill, your essay does make sense to a certain degree. You see the value of the human mind in everything that we do based upon technology and yet, you failed to point that out as the main reason that the human mind can never deteriorate in the face of our technology reliance.

At first, I thought that your opening paragraph would be a mess that did not make sense because of the way you strung the sentences together. I was mistaken though, towards, the end, you somehow managed to, in your own way, summarize the prompt in such a manner that reflected what the essay meant for you to discuss.

The overall essay showed that you understand how the human mind works. That all of these technology that we have emanated for the imagination of the human brain based upon our need for these items to make our lives easier and safer. Why didn't you discuss the human brain from that point of view? You said so yourself, the main aim of technology is to make our lives easier. What is the source of that desire? The human brain. It knows that things can be done easier and it devices ways to do it.

So, the main argument of your essay should have been that the more man relies on technology for his everyday life, the more useful the human brain will become. The human brain is what will discover the avenues that need technology and then, develop the technology to make that avenue easier for us to deal with. Therefore, the human brain will never deteriorate.

The main problem that I have with your essay is your conclusion. It is not really a conclusion but an additional discussion of reasons that support your claims. As such, it cannot be considered a proper conclusion. Regardless of whether you are taking the TOEFL, GRE, IELTS, or whatever, the conclusion always has the same purpose. To wrap up the discussion by offering a summary of the important points of the essay and the repetition of your stand on the matter. As you can see, your final paragraph does not really do this so it cannot be considered an accurate conclusion to the topic.

Writing Feedback / On a recent holiday you lost a valuable item and you have no travel insurance - letter [2]

Pradeep, you need to apply yourself better when it comes to developing your letters. You should be able to decipher the kind of information that is required in your letter based upon the instructions of your teacher. Right now, you have a big problem doing that. I'll give you another sample for this letter but please, make sure to try to apply yourself with your next letter. Understand the instructions and do your best to deliver the requirements of the letter.

Dear Sir/ Madam,

I am Pradeep Tha, the owner of insurance policy # 123456789. I am writing this letter to inquire as to how to file a claim for the replacement of my Lenovo 420 series laptop which I lost during my trip to Nepal while traveling from Butwal to Bhairawaha on the Nepal Bus Line number Ba. 2 Pa xxxx. The laptop was accidentally left on the bus when I disembarked because the bus left before I could retrieve my laptop from the baggage compartment of the bus. I have already filed a formal complaint with the bus company and they are currently investigating the matter.

Since I am using the laptop for my job, it is important that I have it replaced as soon as possible. I am pleased to know that my comprehensive insurance with your company covers these kinds of losses. I have already filled out and attached the pertinent insurance claim forms for submission with this letter. Therefore, I would like to request that a new unit of the same model, or a check covering the cost of a new model, be issued at the soonest possible time in order to help me continue with my daily work routines.

I have attached a copy of the letter I submitted to the bus company requesting for a complete and thorough investigation of the incident that happened to me for your reference. Please do not hesitate to contact me for further information regarding the incident if necessary. I am looking forward to the release of my insurance claim as soon as possible.

I am looking forward to your kind cooperation and support. Thank You.

Sincerely,
Pdeep Tha

Graduate / The chaos theory - Personal Statement for Master of Finance and Economics in LSE [5]

Zhang, this is a highly comprehensive personal statement. It is quite informative and really covers all aspects of your academic interests. You really have a diverse academic exposure that should help you adjust to your masters degree studies for sure. However, not all of the information that you provided regarding your academics are necessary. There are only 2 focal points in this essay that should be seen in your essay; the academic interests that are related to your chosen masters course and your purpose in enrolling. The academic is very well represented in the essay. However, your goal seems to have gotten lost in all of the information that you presented.

If you want to really get this essay started on the right track, take paragraph 8 and 9 and bring it up in the essay. Make it paragraph 1 and 2 instead. Those 2 paragraphs really present the reason, goal, and purpose of your advanced studies. Therefore, it should not be buried at the end of the extremely long essay. This is the hook that will reel in the reviewer. Not the chaos theory. That is something that does not directly tie in with the prompt and can really be done away with.

It is also extremely important that you cut down on the length of the essay because right now, it is too verbose when it doesn't need to be. You don't really need to discuss your knowledge of computer software, it is not directly related to your interest in finance and economics. Remove any and all references to subjects not related to your masters degree of interest. The reviewer does not have any interest in that and it will not help him judge your preparedness for the course. Just mention all your academic interests related to finance and economics.

Your internship is also not needed in this essay. That is supposed to be placed in a different essay prompt. In fact, I agree with Shiyun that the other information that you placed in this essay is unnecessary because it should be in your CV and transcript of records which you will submit with this application. Try to provide only the information that is required because if you present information that the reviewer does not require in the essay, he may decide not to finish reading your essay. Thinking that you do not know how to follow instructions and therefore, are not ready for a masters degree course. I would normally insist that it be presented as part of the essay. However, this essay has specific information requirements so it will be best to simply follow the instructions and provide what it is they ask for. Stick to academics. This is the one time that a detailed discussion of your related college courses and other seminars attended will prove to be useful :-)

I hope you won't take my advice negatively. I am just trying to get you back on track with your essay and hopefully, enhance your chances at gaining admission to the university of your choice :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Road problem near by my house. [3]

Pradeep, the letter is good. However, it contains information that is not really necessary for your councilor to know about. There is actually a better way of writing this letter. I hope you won't get angry that I keep on showing you examples of how to better write your letters. I just think that it is the best way you show you how to properly write the letter :-)

Dear Councilor X,

I am Pradeep Tha, one of your constituents living at New Baneshwor Sankhamul Radha Road Block No. 80.I am writing this letter to you in order to call your attention to a road problem being faced by my street at the moment.

A pothole has developed in the middle of the road that happens to be right in front of my house. The pothole was caused by the week-long rains last October 1 - 7, 2015. The pothole, which continues to fill with water up to this day, poses a danger not only to my family, but to the drivers who use the road as well. When it rains, the pothole cannot be seen due to the water buildup, causing cars to fall into the deepening pothole. My own wife fell into the pothole on October 9 during heavy rainfall because she did not see the pothole. So the pothole does not only cause road damage, but it also poses a danger to those living in the area.

Our local community efforts to contact govt.org in order to have the local government address the road problem has gone unheard. As a representative of the community, I hope that you will be able to represent us with the proper government agencies in order to request for their immediate action regarding the necessary road repair.

I know that you will do your best to protect your constituents and their interests. Thank you.

Your Sincerely,
Pdeep Tha

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: imported food trend.  Why is this?  Is it positive or negative? [2]

Isabelle, this is a good essay. Your ideas on the matter are quite clear and presents an understanding of the reasons why food has to travel so far before it reaches it clients. You were able to present valid reasons for this situation and really devoted a tremendous amount of essay space to it. However, it took up so much of the essay discussion that you forgot to discuss the positive or negative trend aspect of the food situation. I believe you got it confused with the advantages and drawbacks, which is a totally different kind of discussion.

When one speaks of the negative and positive trends of an issue, it looks at the reasons as to why such an occurrence is helpful or not to a society. In the case of food travel, you should have had other considerations other than the globalized market and demand for food products overseas. You might have considered how the travel time of food affects its quality and most importantly, the local market that the food is taken away from for marketing overseas or in other parts of the country.

Therefore, to properly discuss this essay, you should have allowed for the proper discussion development of the topic in relation to the way it affects the local market. If there is a big market for a certain product overseas, it becomes more expensive for the local market to access the same food product because most of the stocks are sent to the other market places, often leaving the original market with little to no access to the product. So that is one of the negative trends that you could have discussed in the essay.

As far as the positive trend goes, the market for local products is widened once it is introduced to other larger markets. Therefore, it becomes advantageous for the business owner to continue growing and marketing his products. It is a financial gain for the business owner and economy of the country. Your example using the coffee export of Columbia is a perfect example of this positive trend.

Now, as far as I am concerned, the conclusion of your essay is not correct because you did not accurately respond to the last aspect of the provided prompt. Should you wish to revise the essay to adhere more towards the positive and negative trends of the food issue, then maybe the essay will not only improve, but also gain a higher score :-)

Writing Feedback / Should the high school students be strongly involved in a free community services or not? [3]

As far as thesis statements go, this one takes the cake for being the longest single sentence of them all. I do not mean that as a compliment. It seems that you forgot that the main purpose of the introductory paragraph is to help familiarize the reader regarding the topic for discussion, the discussion that is to follow, and your point of view. None of those where accurately represented in your first paragraph (also known as the introduction). There is a definite need to overhaul your first paragraph so that you can include these considerations in its development.

How can free labor be good for the community? Everyone knows that free labor means haphazard work. Specially when you have a group of teenagers performing the task against their will. Just because the school ordered them to commit community service does not mean the students will do it wholeheartedly. In fact, it could be the exact opposite for most of them. Don't you think that the students should get some sort of remuneration for their hard work as forced volunteers? Maybe free meals or something provided by the community? As far as life experience goes, it is one thing to allow the students to be exposed to this volunteer work, it is another thing to have them participate in it. While I agree that they will probably be helped by the life experience of doing community service, the main question should be, "Will it be safe for the students to participate in this?" We live in troubled times and high school students are part of our vulnerable population. Community service is often doen in the underprivileged communities where security cannot be assured for them. Is it really worth the risk?

I like your opposing paragraph though. It clearly explains that the students will not be doing this service of their own volition so the effect may not be the same for them. Now, about your closing paragraph, you were not supposed to present a new idea there such as your opinion. That should be a stand alone new paragraph while your conclusion should just summarize the discussion in closing. You'll need to develop a proper conclusion for your essay just as you need to develop a proper introduction for it.

Writing Feedback / Teaching science at the primary school - importance, consequences and controversy [5]

Anna, your essay is really all over the place at this point. Prandeep was right when he said that you started your body of paragraphs in the intro. In fact, you started the essay in the middle of the discussion. You clearly skipped the most important aspect of an essay. That of creating a proper introduction that would present the overview of the problem, sides of the issue, and then your personal opinion before launching into a prolong paragraph long discussion of your prompt. Therefore, you need to revise the introduction, making sure that this time, it follows the correct format and contains the correct information.

Your line of reasoning is also weak. Your paragraph that is supposed to support the side that believes students should study science in primary school does not really give any concrete evidence of the importance of early science learning. You were discussing learning lessons in general instead of concentrating on the lessons surrounding science alone. That made the discussion not only weak, but questionable. How does your argument apply to the science lessons? You need to justify your reason with plausible evidence either from common knowledge or personal experience.

Your paragraph in contradiction of the previous stand is also based on weak reasoning. To say that students will not have time to see or talk to their peers is not acceptable. That is because we all know that students have enough gadgets to stay in touch, and talk to one another even if they are seriously engrossed in their studies. Keeping in touch with peers is a very shallow reason to not teach science in primary schools. With regards to stress levels, isn't it obvious that all students are under stress because of the general lessons in school? It isn't only science that causes stress among students. All of their study plans cause such an effect.

Therefore, I strongly believe that you need to reconsider the content of your essay. It is not an essay that would get a very good score should you have submitted it for a grade. By revising the essay after you have reconsidered your reasons, you might be able to improve your grade on this essay topic.

Writing Feedback / People should be judged by employers accordind to their skills, not gender [3]

Yobin already pointed out the major problem of your essay, that of the lacking reference to your occupation in the second paragraph. So I will just go ahead and show you the grammar corrections needed in the paragraphs you created.

Par. 1:
The issue about whether should employers to should
Some people say, that women are incapable to do some of of doing men's work.
some women can easily do all men's work.
Personally, for For several reasons, which I will explain below,

Par. 2:
so now I can describe myself as a good specialist in a man male-dominated profession.
* Mention what your profession is in order to explain why it is male dominate. This paragraph is also too short since it has only 2 lines in it. It needs at least 3 sentences to be accepted as a complete paragraph with a complete and explained thought.

Par. 3:
it is hard to judge about person's abilities and talents just according to her or his gender.
And after she had ended an prestige graduated from a prestigious university and became an echo- location engineer of echo-location Most of HRs didn't even send test examples to her after a meeting,

they just haven't didn't considered her as a good employee.

Par. 4
may have some unusual for his or her gender trails of character for his or her gender.
More other, Or, some of them just could be gifted.
In this case gender prejudices compel an employer to forget about work which one is really good at.
For example, my uncle always wanted to be a cook,
but afraided he was afraid of people's words,
because he is assured was told that it is female profession.

Writing Feedback / Your school has enough funds to buy computers and books as well. Which one do you suggest? [4]

Venkat, while your response to the essay prompt is correct, the way that you structured the introduction paragraph makes it appear that you are responding to the wrong prompt. The reason behind that is that your paragraph does not properly represent the essay prompt. It lacks your point of view. A better way to have addressed this prompt based upon your current paragraph is as follows:

Change is inevitable and now the world is changing towards the technological advancement. Computer is one such change in advanced technology. My opinion is that based on technology, financial and personal reasons, schools should invest their fund mostly in computers instead of books. My supporting reasons will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

At this point, all of the reasons that you gave are logical and gives the proper supporting evidence for your stand. So the premise and supporting facts of your essay are sound. However, your essay falls apart again once it gets to the essay. The problem can be fixed by redirecting your conclusion in the same manner that I adjusted your introduction:

In a nutshell, I would like to repeat my belief that computers are better tools than books when utilized properly. When you think about it, computers pretty much provides more information that the books ever can to the students and also does a number of other functions that a book cannot do. Therefore, it would be best for the school to simply spend the money on purchasing computers, it offers more value for money and learning benefits for the students.

By wording your conclusion in this manner, you allow the essay to come full circle as a discussion.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Tulane! I'm struggling with coming up with something engaging! [3]

Kaylyn, your essay seems to try to cover a lot of topics in a personal statement. Could you do me a favor and post the actual Tulane personal statement prompt here? I need to read it so that I can have an idea as to how to edit and revise your essay to better suit the prompt. I think that one of the many topics that you have in here is supposed to be the central theme of the prompt. I just can't put my finger on it. On which one it is supposed to be.

For now, I can tell you that I think the essay is running way too long. When you write a personal statement, you should focus on a particular theme or topic based upon your personal experience. Of all of the topics that you have included in your essay, I think that you should concentrate more on how the bi-maxilliary protusion led you to your love of art. While I understand that you started drawing when you were five years old, it doesn't carry the same impact and revelation that connecting your love of art with the facial shortcoming can provide.

I am still not sure of your interest in manga has any real relation to the essay prompt so I will reserve my comments on that for when I already know what the prompt is. Overall though, this essay has managed to paint a very thorough picture of the development of your interest in art and the personal connection that accompanies it. I am sure that it requires some editing and revision and we can deal with that once you share the prompt here.

Writing Feedback / 'he is tall, has short dark hair and dark eyes' - descriptive paragraph about my best friend [3]

Ayoub, I'll show you a sample of how to write this essay properly while also correcting the bad grammar in your original work. After that, I hope you can post a revised version of your essay based upon my example. Here we go:

Mohammed has been a good friend of mine for some years now. Our friendship goes all the way back to when we first met in primary school. Although we were very young and seemed to not have too much in common, we somehow found some reasons to bond and create a friendship. It is a friendship that has become stronger over time and through our shared life experiences. he is my exact opposite in terms of physical attributed. He is taller than me with dark hair and eyes. He also has a better fashion sense that I have with his standard jean pants and black shirt. Black is is favorite color so it tends to show up in most of his clothes. He is also more sociable than I am. Maybe because his talent for drawing often attracts people to look at his 3D designs on his laptop. He has a very creative mind so he has a lot of projects that he works on whenever he has some free time. He is the friend that I come to when I feel troubled or pressured. It is his voice of reason that helps me calm down and reminds me to remain composed at all times. He is my best friend because he cares about me and works on our friendship with me. I can only hope that we will be friends forever.

Undergraduate / My Dinosaur Bone Essay for Caltech - I don't think I am expressing myself well enough (help!) [3]

Marcelo, definitely bench the ideas that you listed. I don't really see those topics as being a part of the discussion regarding your contributions to the Caltech community. Your story about being an 11 year old kid with a vivid imagination though, keep it. It is right on the mark with regards to the prompt. It is a perfect sample of how you will bring diversity to the student community.

This thinking outside of the box aspect of your personality is something that will help you contribute to the student community of Caltech. What you have to do at this point, is edit the essay in order to show a sample of how you can do that. My suggestion is to summarize the story of eleven year old you finding the bone in the sand. It takes too much of the word count and keeps you boxed in the past. What you need to do is show how that experience can be used in your future life as a Caltech student.

Most of these essay prompts are looking for a response that shows how you plan to help enhance the existing social and academic community of the university. Maybe you can suggest a few activities along the lines of your being out of the box. An activity like a scavenger hunt sponsored by you college department that will help educate the students about something related to your major ought to work. Explain how this activity will not only result in a livelier social community, but also create a new avenue of learning and understanding for the students.

I hope my suggestions help :-)

Scholarship / Simple key to success - suggestion to improve my application for Chevening Scholarship [2]

Rangga, when you apply for a Chevening scholarship, you need to make sure that you portray yourself as a professional leader. Therefore, being the team captain of your local basketball team isn't really a form of leadership that will impress the reviewer. Focus your essay on the leadership abilities and skills that you have been displaying in your professional career instead. As a masters degree applicant, you will be up against other applicants who have stellar leadership skills, abilities, and experiences.You need to make sure that your scholarship essay will be able to compete with them. I would like to offer you some advice regarding how to better improve your chances by pointing out the strong areas of your essay that need to be further developed.

I would rather that you discuss your professional career immediately in your essay because your opening statement is very weak at the moment. You need to provide an opening sentence that will tell the reviewer to keep reading your essay because you have more to say about your leadership skills. Start with:

In professional career, I had led marketing team despite I was the youngest employee based on the working experience.

Revise the paragraph to become your opening statement instead. Explain your achievements as the youngest leader in the company. Then make the following your second paragraph:

Due to my achievement in leading a team, in 2015, I was one of the 15 people who selected to join the most prestigious training program, i.e. Global Banking Officer training program at my company.

That is a definite highlight of your professional career that displays your ability to not only be an effective leader, but also serve as an example of leadership to others. Tell the reviewer where your career went after you completed this training program. Don't just say that you inspired your co-workers, that does nothing to enhance your leadership abilities in this essay.

Those two paragraphs, partnered with an effective closing statement representing your leadership abilities will be more than enough to provide the necessary information that the prompt requires. You will have provided a clear picture of your leadership skills and where your future career will take you in those terms.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay: The Best Way for a Society to Prepare Its Young People for Leadership [3]

Jianfeng, I wish you had better developed your opening statement to provide a cleared view of the essay prompt and your point of view on the topic. I understand you were writing under time constraint, but the opening statement is a huge part of the score in the test and when you provide an opening statement that does not contain the complete requirements, your score will not be very good for the overall test.

Now, as far as the main content of your essay, you seem to have focused too much on the superficial aspect of the discussion. That of the question of market leadership and country supremacy in the world. While those are the most obvious go-to discussions for this type of prompt, I believe that you should have gone beyond the obvious in this discussion and looked into the deeper meaning of leadership.

There should have been a clear discussion of how learning to cooperate with one another, instead of constantly competing, producers better leaders in the world. Remember, the essay wants you to discuss your point of view from the aspect of governance and government leadership. As we both know, government leadership will fail once there is no cooperation among the government leaders and departments. Your discussion centered too much on the commercial aspects of leadership which is why you mistakenly strengthened your discussion of the competition aspect.

While I agree that competition is good for the world economies, learning to cooperate with your competitors and other nations provides a bigger benefit for the country and company. Shared intellectual knowledge and product development results only in better markets and governance in any nation.

Your discussion of the need for cooperation in the essay is not properly represented nor balanced. You left it for the very last paragraph of discussion, so that thought was not as thoroughly explained and supported in your essay as the competition side. Perhaps you can revise the essay to produce a more balanced discussion? Your conclusion should actually reflect that there should be a balance between the competitive spirit and the spirit of cooperation in any form of governance.

Undergraduate / Religion holds a lot of mysteries where the world would never know - CommonApp Essay Prompt 3 [6]

I'm really sad to hear that Andrew. While I understand your mother's point of view, I also know, from experience, that parents tend to panic and see the worst case scenario for all their children's actions in school. I do not believe that your essays suck as your mother does. Instead, I believe that your essays have room for improvement. Improvement that comes with the proper guidance from other people while writing it and your belief in yourself, that you can write an essay worthy of admission to college.

Like I said, you already have your answer for the prompt at this very minute. You can use this experience to explain the belief or idea that you challenged. Why you chose to do it, and if you would do it again when faced with the same situation in the future. You have an interesting story to tell at this point. One that a reviewer just may remember because of the stand that you took regarding your college application. You should thank your mom for being the over reacting, panic stricken parent that she is. Tell her she gave you fodder for the perfect essay :-)

If you mom won't support your move for regular admission, then rest assured that we here at the forum support you. When it comes to college, parents can't really be of much help. This is the time of your life when they have to either loosen the reins or totally let go and allow you to decide which college to attend, why you want to attend it, and when you will be attending. You are on the road to independence at this point. Of course your mom won't be comfortable with your decision :-)

Write the response to the prompt now. Then post it here, I know that I will be here to help you fix the essay and make it as memorable as possible. I'll work with you on it for as long as it takes. BTW, your mom also gave you an experience that can be used for the common prompt relating to "transition from childhood to adulthood" and other supplemental essays.

Don't worry about going the regular application route. You have the same chance as the next future freshman at getting into college. What matters is that you want to go to college. Not when you will go to college. Early admission doesn't mean anything if you are not yet emotionally and intellectually prepared to go. So take your time. College applications are nerve wracking enough without having to deal with an unreasonable parent. Don't let her get to you. Just apply to the colleges and show her that you will get admitted. It doesn't matter if it isn't her college of choice. What matters, is that you got in. It does not lessen the impact of being an incoming college freshman if you do not get into her school of choice. You will still go to college. That is the bottom line for you.

Undergraduate / Proclaiming Myself as a Red Fox (Marist Supplement Essay) [3]

Rachel, you should aim for a unique response to this statement question. The answers that you gave consider the already commonly known information about Marist. Therefore, what you are telling the reviewer contains information that he already knows about the school. You have to look beyond the obvious reasons for choosing Marist. Go beyond the academics and location. Don't just cheer on the basketball team as a part of the community, all the students will already be doing that.

It is my belief that your response should contain some of your insights into Marist as a community, go beyond the campus set up and talk about Marist as your home. How would you go about improving your home for the next 4 years? What are the reasons, other than the obvious, that you would be happy to call Marist your "school" and "home"?

Another way to approach this essay is to look at the social and academic activities that you feel you can participate in. What excites you about the idea of being a part of these activities? How does it translate into the spirit of a Marist student? Find out what the objectives and mission of the school might be. I know it will require a little research on your part. However, by using the information that not all students will be using for their response, you will be able to develop a memorable statement for the reviewer.

Graduate / Economics Ph.D. SOP - need advice for expunging redundant information [7]

Yingchin, the first question that came to my mind upon hearing that you already had 800 words and were batting for 1000 words with this SOP was, "Are you actually applying to a university already?" I really think that you should try to say more with less words. This essay is filled with so much description of your academic background that it comes across as quite boring. It lacks a specific hook at the beginning of the first paragraph that can at least point the reviewer in the direction of a purpose for your whole essay. It is just a bunch of academic achievements on your part that do not really point out the future of your career, how you plan to achieve it, and why you feel you have to achieve it.

You can't just keep on saying that various classes inspired you to pursue certain academic avenues. The reviewer doesn't care if you studied everything connected with your interest if you can't tell him why it is important to you. What is the personal or professional connection? What is your purpose for all of these studies?

The goal of your PhD should be to be able to do more advance research and gain increased knowledge in your field of expertise. So you should try to place more attention and focus on your research interest that coincides with your masters degree achievements. That way you shorten your statement of purpose and narrow it down to only the relevant information. Everything else that you mention here is truly repetitive because you are just enumerating your masters degree course coverage.

It is always best to show the reviewer what you have achieved so far in your quest for more understanding of your profession. So rather than detailing your academics, show the reviewer the relevance of your PhD research in the pursuit of your career instead. That way you will be able to prove the connection between your academics and profession. As well as allowing you the opportunity to explain how you plan to use the facilities of the university and its professors, seminars and other training programs, for the betterment of your research.

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay for the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign " All of the most successful..." [2]

Prong, you need to focus your essay equally on your academic goals and professional aspirations. Therefore, you will need to revise the essay in order to properly shed light on both. Rather than telling the reviewer the reasons why other professors advised you to move to another school with a bigger science department, try to focus on the reasons why you are motivated to choose that option. You already specified those reasons in the latter part of your essay. In fact, that is the response that I know you have to place at the very beginning of the essay because it instantly addresses the "Why" of your transfer:

Up to this moment, I have been attracted the most by high energy and particle physics, as well as cosmology. I know that at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, having the opportunity to study under professors of the High Energy Physics Group would allow me to grow my view of all the available branches of Physics and, potentially, begin my path towards studying high energy physics...

That whole paragraph already addresses the motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study. Do you already see how that single paragraph addresses this need in the prompt? If you just work on enhancing that paragraph, you will be able to address the essay prompt with even less than 300 words. In fact, you can say that this essay prompt can be answered in a single paragraph. That paragraph which I quoted above. If you can work more on that response, you will be able to come up with the best response for the prompt. Develop the professional goals aspect in a separate paragraph and you should be all set :-)

Writing Feedback / Countries are becoming similar. What is an effect of this situation? IELTS TASK 2 [2]

Isabelle, this is a pretty impressive piece of work. Your opinion is based upon well known facts about the effects of globalization and offers a clear discussion of each side, the pro and the con. Your language use is also acceptable. Though some mistakes in grammar exist, it does not interfere with the thoughts that you are sharing with the reader.

I did see some parts that can use grammar correction.Let me show you what I mean below:

Par. 1:
We are living live in a global village,
I take the view that THE drawbacks of this trend outweigh THE benefits.

Par. 2:
On the one hand, it IT is undeniable that the cultural globalisation brings benefits.
buy the latest style of fast fashion clothes produced by H&M
the LATEST fashion trend.
Similarly, people have access to taste overseas cuisine.
The evident example is McDonald's is prevalent around the world, which can be seen in most cities WHICH ALLOWS PEOPLE OVERSEAS TO TASTE THE AMERICAN BURGER.

Par. 3:
On the other hand, there THERE are ALSO many disadvantages of this global trend.
Firstly, c Cultural identity might be missing DISAPPEAR during the process of globalisation.
Thus, cultural identity is dropping DETERIORATING in this THE process.
With the influence of LOSS OF cultural identity loss ,
more and more countries are losing attraction to tourists.
Countries which are increasingly similar provide ubiquitous products but NOT unique ones.
they prefer identical national stuffs ,

Writing Feedback / Task 1: describe the towerwind and how it works [2]

Nyuyen, you need to improve your reporting skills. Your report overview in your first statement is sorely lacking in information and is too sort. An overview normally has a minimum of 3 sentences, you have only one. A more effective opening statement for you would have been as follows:

A tower windmill is designed for farm use. It was created in order to use wind power to drive the machinery for grinding corn into flour.This report will look into how a tower windmill is constructed.

Some grammar corrections:

Overall, it is a A tower WINDMILL IS 15m tall

positioned 1 m above ground and IS covered by a cap.

both the sails and fantail are held TOGETHER by a shaft.

THE SHAFT Besides, it consists of a vertical central shaft and a grinding equipment.

When there is wind, the THE sails circle by the wind direction. As they turn, they rotate the gears system

and hence activate the grinding machine.

This method purely bases IS PURELY BASED on THE natural resource power

that can reduce the greenhouse gases that causing CAUSE global warming.

Writing Feedback / We may fail to find out that just a few people make new friends through internet [5]

Mengyuan, your restatement of the prompt this time around is okay. However, it is still not as close to the prompt as it should be in terms of presentation for discussion. I would have phrased the restatement this way:

Original prompt: It's more important to keep old friends than it is to make new friends.

My opening statement with the restated prompt:
Man is considered to be a social being. As such, he comes across many people during his lifetime. Some of these people come his lifelong friends, others, are new friends who importance in the life of a person has yet to be determined. While some sectors of society believe that man changes friends every ten years, I beg to differ, I believe that man manages to keep his old friends along with his new ones. After all, keeping old friends is just as important as making new ones. Let me explain this belief of mine in the following paragraphs.

Do you see how I restated the prompt in a manner that allowed me to present the topics for discussion in the opening paragraph? That should be the aim of your introduction paragraphs. I hope my sample has helped you :-)

Graduate / Essay for CMU MSCF---Describe your background in finance, computer science, math and statistics. [4]

Shiyun, you are right about this being a very strange essay prompt. Have you given any thought to emailing or calling the admissions office of the university in order to clarify the format for the content of this essay? They are the only ones who can tell you for sure if you should just use a resume format or essay format for the completion of this task. Is there any way you can reach them?

I am not sure if using an essay format will work for this prompt because you have only 2 pages to use for your essay and your course listing alone covers more than that. Maybe you can try to discuss the related courses in combined paragraphs to make the essay format work for this prompt? I think that since these subjects are mostly related, the skills will be similar and therefore, they can be discussed as a group of subjects instead of as individual ones.

Why don't you try to come up with a 2 page essay version using the group subject discussion method and see if it will work for you? That is until you can get confirmation from someone at the university regarding the proper format for the prompt. 2 pages , single spaced should be more than enough to allow you to best discuss the topics that you need to present in group format. I'll be on standby waiting for the clarified instructions. I am interested in learning how to properly respond to this prompt myself :-)

Undergraduate / Eternal Happiness. A choice from the activities section of a Common Application [4]

Alaina, I am not sure if you are responding properly to the prompt. You are being asked to choose an activity from the list of activities in your common application. Somehow, I don't think growing as a Catholic and enhancing your relationship with God was part of the listed activities. Would you mind double checking the list of activities your created for yourself and let me know if your response was among the list? Somehow, I don't think that these are activities listed in the common application.

If it is not listed, please review the list of activities and opt for one from the list. One that you identify with the most so that you can justify why you will continue to pursue that activity while you are a student at University of Michigan. I would advise you to pick an activity that will allow you to better socialize with your university-mates and also help you to contribute to the betterment of the University of Michigan student community. Normally, those are the kinds of activities that impress the reviewer the most. Remember, your response needs to show a balanced academic and social side so pick the activity well.

Should I be wrong and you happened to list Catholicism and your relationship with God as one of your activities, then there is no need to review, revise, or edit your current response. It is fine as it is. I just want to make sure that you are responding properly to the instructions, which is why I am having you double check your activities list.

Graduate / SOP for economics master: development and public policy [6]

Hi Quian, I am in complete agreement with what Shiyun said about your essay. There is a lot of room to improve your statement of purpose. With all of the information that you managed to present in it, you actually presented very little in connection with the prompt requirements. One of the earliest changes that you have to make in your essay has to do with the way that you open the statement itself.

The first paragraph of your essay must always present two very important factors for the reviewer to consider:
1. What your current career is
2. The relevance of your masters degree studies to that current profession.

The reason you have to present those two immediately is because the prompt requires you to present your motivations and goals. That needs to be upfront because that is the whole basis of your purpose for higher studies. The reviewer needs to know that you are already a professional who is implementing the basic policies related to your interest in higher studies. Without that reference. He cannot be sure that you are really qualified for the masters studies that you are interested in pursuing.

A statement of purpose is most effective when it applies itself to the future of the person discussing the reasons for his higher studies. Don't dwell so much on the influence of the book. Keep parts of your internship experience, that provides the reviewer with an idea as to where your career might lead you.

Your closing paragraph is excellent. It really shows your future career path and how you see yourself achieving it. All you have to do at this point, is clarify your motivation and relate it to your academic experience and professional growth. Those are the weak parts of the essay at this point. Focus more on your internship experience and how it relates academically and professionally to your interests. That should help shorten and focus the essay.

Letters / The most outstanding trademark of Ms. X is her creativity. Letter of Recommendation from my teacher [4]

Shiyun, I can understand where your confusion might be coming from. However, you have to understand that these recommendations letters are viewed mostly as summaries of your abilities as a potential worker or student. Therefore, it need not go into great detail about your student or work experiences.

A 300-400 word letter of recommendation is just the right length because it is only supposed to serve as an overview of your abilities. That means, your reviewer will look at your resume or transcript for a more thorough understanding of your abilities but, he will look to the recommendation letter for the more important points of your resume. In other words, it tells him what to look for and take note of in your overall record. Your record should only serve to confirm, in greater detail, what was already said by the people recommending you.

Remember, a recommendation letter is different from an essay. An essay looks to be long in order to be informative.You need to describe your abilities in greater detail because these are aspects of your personality that may not be seen in your transcript and other submitted documents. A recommendation letter needs to be short because it should only contain important information about you from the point of view of another person. It should also just provide a summary of your abilities. The letter will only confirm the information in the documents your already submitted. Don't confuse the two.

I hope I was able to clarify the difference for you. Please feel free to ask follow up questions if you need to :-)

Scholarship / In my college life and early years as a professional, I didn't stand out for being a leader [3]

Janet, try not to dismiss your abilities as a leader in your essay. Most of the content of this paper are references to how you do not feel that you are a leader and that you lack the skills to do so. Now why do you want to play up your weak points to the reviewer rather than your strong points? That does not make sense. In order to make this essay effective, you need to find a new direction for it in relation to your leadership skills, no matter how negligible those leadership skills might have been at the time.

Erase all references you have to your lack of leadership experience. That is not the required information in this essay so its inclusion will only weaken your statement. Instead, focus your energies and imaginative skills on the following paragraph:

Among the situations I have had the opportunity to test my leadership and influence skills, I can recall that five years ago, during my first job, I was assigned to the direction of the Obesity Program;

If this is truly the only leadership moment that you had in your life, then build your essay around that event. Explain the objective of this task, the requirements to complete the task, what your leadership duties were and how you were expected to implement your part in the project. Discuss how getting to know the team, promoting their abilities, and encouraging them to reach their potential for the benefit of the project were all things that led you to develop your leadership skills. Then explain who your encouragement helped you to further develop your influential skills as well.

Remember, there are no weak leaders, only leaders who have yet to achieve their potential, you are one of those people. Let's depict that strength for the benefit of the reviewer :-)

Undergraduate / Saving the world... from outside the world. -CommonApp Personal Essay [8]

After reconsidering the requirements of the prompt, I believe that I can't really see why this topic is of a personal importance to you. Why do you want to save the world? It just seems like this is such a broad solution to the problem of the power grid going down in your cousin's hometown. Perhaps a more achievable solution should be looked into since the problem that you wish to address is more earth based than anything else?

The portion about your trip to the rooftop just did not connect with the first part of the essay, which is why I found myself thinking that maybe this is not the right story to use in response to the prompt. Don't you have a previously solved problem that you can relate instead? Maybe an ethical dilemma instead? Or perhaps an intellectual challenge? Something that you can better relate to?

I know that you want to use the Mars story as a form of response to a research query, but unless there is a way that we can create a believable personal importance for your idea, the two parts of your essay are just disconnected. I think it is because you decided to skip the part about your cousin talking about what the skies hold for us. In my mind, as I read your essay, it seems that talk would help us to better develop that personal connection.

Here is an idea, can you revise the last part of your essay to include the part about your cousin talking about the sky and stuff? If you can do that, post it here and I'll help you reorganize the paper so that we can create that personal connection that is lacking now. I have an idea as to how to do it. I just need you to organize the essay first. I hope you'll be agreeable to doing that :-)

Scholarship / Chevening is looking for individuals - future leaders or influencers in their home countries [2]

Moustapha, what you have written is more of an outline summary of what you should be discussing in your formal essay. These are mere talking points that you should be expanding upon in your actual statement. You are lucky to have had such an opportunity to gain leadership skills in your community. All you have to do at this point is expand upon the content. Let me make some suggestions for each paragraph based upon what I have come to understand of your leadership experience.

Par.1:

Growing up in the countryside where people suffer from poverty ,discrimination against women, and challenging situation of children at school pushed me to think about promoting change in the rural areas...

You have a good opening statement here. What we need you to reflect on towards the end of your paragraph is the fact that it was all of these observations that led you to undertake a career in journalism, hoping to help change the mindset of the people and lead them towards a more balanced treatment of women and an improvement of your educational system in your country.

Par. 2:
,I was one of a few young journalist in Morocco reporting on their stories wining the regional Young Journalists Award in Souss Massa Agadir on my story "Women and cooperatives: the game changer"

This should be a new paragraph. Make sure that it details how winning this competition helped to enhance your growing role as a leader in your community. Concentrate on how the article that you wrote helped to improve some aspects of life for women and the cooperatives.

Par. 3:
I have initiated many activities regarding peace and social change in isolated villages through an youth-led nonprofit organization dedicated to empower the rural community and help youth to develop their leadership potential.

Don't just offer a general discussion for this part. This is the most important part of the essay. Mention how you developed these activities. What kind of social change was your leadership able to bring about? How did you accomplish those activities? Where do you stand as a leader in the community now?

Par.4:
Should concentrate on the accomplishments of your activities. Specifically, you should address how you have come to influence the mindset of the people and if you have a continually growing influence over the growing community. Then tell the reader how you see that leadership and influence growing in the future considering your completion of your studies through the scholarship.

Undergraduate / Religion holds a lot of mysteries where the world would never know - CommonApp Essay Prompt 3 [6]

Andrew, now is not the time to panic. Don't fret about how your mother will react if you miss the early action deadline. Be more worried about what will happen if you submit this essay and then still don't make it to the university of your choice. You won't be able to apply for regular admission this semester anymore. If you really want to make sure you have a good chance at admission to the university, then don't submit this essay. If you don't feel that it delivers what the prompt requires then do not submit it.

Instead, have a talk with your mother and tell her why you decided to not apply for the early action admission. Tell her that the time isn't right and that the essay you prepared was just something that you were not comfortable with submitting. She of all people should understand that these essays are part and parcel, and sometimes, one of the deciding factors, of your admission to your university of choice. So don't rush it. Tell your mom there is still time for you to apply for admission and you will take your chances with a better written essay through regular admission. What is the use of running after a deadline when you know the document you will be submitting will not help your chances right? I am sure your mom will see the logic and reason in your decision. After all, she may choose the university, but you are the one who has to apply for admission.

Now, as for your topics, I would definitely not use religion as a topic. It is just too explosive and debatable a topic for this type of essay. If you don't mind, I have a suggestion for your topic that just might work for you because you are currently experiencing it. Why not discuss this crossroad that you are facing at the moment? Talk about challenging your mom's belief that by not applying for early action, you will not get into her university of choice. Then tell the reviewer how you resolved the issue. That is, I am assuming that you will be applying for regular admission instead.

The facts of your essay already exist at this moment in your life. So use it. Write about it. You will find it easier to write because you actually have to live with it at the moment. When you write about something that truly happened to you, it makes it easier to write the essay. By opting to write about your desire to challenge your mom's idea that you won't get into the college if you don't have early admission, you also pose a challenge to the reviewer to consider your application seriously for regular admission as well. After all, you already challenged your mom's belief, maybe he can give you a helping hand by seriously considering the merits of your application :-)

Of course that is just an idea I came up with to help you out. It is up to you if you want to use it or not. Definitely, do not submit this essay if you feel it is not what will help you get into the college. Talk to your mom. She will understand as long as you explain it properly. Have her read my post if you think it will help you explain your situation to her :-) Maybe she will receive the information better if it comes to a disinterested party ;-)

Undergraduate / Who you are? The general picture of what you represent - UC Personal Statement #2 [6]

Sukpreeth, that was certainly a very well rounded discussion of your development as a person. Overall, I find that it is a very strong essay that delivers on all points. You took the reviewer to the beginning of your journey at the age of 6, went on to show the obstacle you had to overcome (weight loss), provided an accomplishment at the end of it, before finally showing us what else we have to look forward to from you. Excellent work! You covered all of the salient prompt points in one essay. Give yourself a pat on the back. Not all of the student applicants can manage to do what you just did. That said, there are some grammar errors that we need to address.

Par. 1:
I could barely even speak English when I joined
However, as the years passed by and I matured

Par. 2:
the difficulty of ACHIEVING this goal was compounded with BY the fact that I was just about to go to India
really spoke volumes to ABOUT how much I wanted to achieve

Par. 3:
Now, even in school and basketball, I get motivated
because OF THE SELF CONFIDENCE I've developed the self-confidence from Taekwondo to I know that

Letters / The most outstanding trademark of Ms. X is her creativity. Letter of Recommendation from my teacher [4]

What was the end result of this? Were you able to prove your claims? If there is no positive outcome from this then don't include it in the essay. The recommendation letter should only contain information that shows off your abilities. If you were able to prove your claims successfully, then have your professor explain how you did it and why it should be of note to the reviewer. Otherwise, the simple paragraph I created for you more than serves the purpose of a recommendation letter. It contains your most notable achievement as a student in his class, that is all we need.

Scholarship / 'I took some practical steps to choose the proposed universities' - Chevening: Studying in UK Essay [5]

Luthfi, one of the things can you can consider to help you bring your word count down would be to revise your first two paragraphs. You have spent too much of your word count recounting the traffic problem in Indonesia, using 3 paragraphs to describe the problem when it was not necessary to do so. The first 3 paragraphs could have been better utilized had you decided to use the space to more properly address the prompt instead.

The prompt actually asks you to do more than just list the 3 UK universities you have chosen to consider for your masters studies. You need to outline each one and relate it to your academic experience. One way of understanding that instructions is to have you list down each university and have you discuss what exactly about each university appeals to you. Concentrate on connecting your past academic experience with the university you are discussing. So you have 3 universities and 3 paragraphs to replace. Perfect.

The bullet points you listed in relation to how you chose the universities does not help your paper at all. Anybody can do a search based on what you did. What the essay needs to know is "Why these 3?" Discuss these in terms of your related previous college degree / classes attended, any seminars / conferences that relate to your chosen course at the university, and the social aspects of educational networking that can help you with your career improvement in the future.

Right now, all I can gather from your essay is that Indonesia has a traffic problem, information about that problem, and the current government solutions to it. I like the paragraphs that relate to your activities regarding solving the traffic problem. Those are activities that can certainly help enhance your statement. Provided that you can somehow connect those with the explanations about your top 3 universities.

Your last line also does not translate as a complete paragraph. It sounds like you just threw that information in there as an after thought, The information you provided directly relates to your previous academic experience. So try to integrate the information into your discussion about your university choices. That is where such information should be placed.

If you follow these guidelines regarding the revision of your essay, I am sure you will be able to remove more than 20 words from the essay, which will in turn help your essay not only meet the word count, but also help you to better respond to the prompt as well.