Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

Alireza, you should have posted this essay in the other thread since this is a continued conversation of this essay. From what I can tell from the previous thread, I have already approved the other version of your essay for use with your application. That is the essay that you posted at the end of that thread. I don't see why you suddenly decided to write a new one. Did you not see the like indicator in the other thread? The like indicator is used to reference the preparedness of an essay. That means it is ready for use because the content is already final in content and presentation. So don't use this new version that you wrote. The other version that you wrote is better to use for your essay. Do not use this new one. If you use this version, you are back to the first step and will have to revise constantly in order to prepare this essay for use. I do not believe that you would want to do that since you already have a version on file that is ready for use.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Summarize the first paragraph in a manner that will allow you to merge it with the content of the second paragraph as I advised above. You are the only person who knows which parts of your essay you can actually take from various parts so that it can create a new paragraph which embodies the requirements of the statement of purpose. Do not use the story telling routing here. Be factual in your presentation. The reviewer does not have the time to read such a long narrative. Summarize in every portion that you can. If you can merge specific information into the paragraphs I indicated, then the essay should become more impressive and informative. Don't focus on what you have done, focus on what you have to do. That means, figuring out how you can merge the information you have presented throughout the essay into a shortened version that is more purpose than general statement driven.

Undergraduate / USC Supplemental: A time my beliefs were challenged [3]

James, your approach to the essay is too simplistic. There is no character building element involved that would have shown how your personal belief in something was challenged. In this instance, you were only unfamiliar with something. So this doesn't qualify as a belief or idea that you challenged or was challenged within you. Try to find a more recent time when you were challenged to think otherwise about something in your life. For an example, you could discuss your previous opinion of the LGBT community and rights and how over time, you have come to change your point of view about it. If you want to be explosive and memorable in your essay, you should pick a topic that is not really controversial in nature, but important as a social discussion in the school or country where you wish to study.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Use paragraphs 2-5 from your old essay to write the new essay. Specifically, develop your new paragraph one using the information in paragraph 2 of the old essay. Just write the revised essay for now and do not think about the word count. You know what the maximum word requirement is right? So this is what you have to do. Write the new essay and make sure that you are satisfied with the content. Then, using the guidelines I set out for you, practice self-editing on the essay. That means, review your essay content and remove the portions that you feel are not really important to the message of your paper. That will help to immediately bring your word count down. Now, if you still have a few words left to remove and cannot figure out how to do that, post the essay here so I can review it and help you try to figure out which sentences can be reworked in order to meet the maximum word count or less.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing TASK 2 - Sports professionals don't deserve such high salaries for their work [3]

George, there is actually a way that you can get around the personal opinion requirement of the essay. That is to discuss the two sides of the story based upon your personal opinion immediately. How do you do that? First you have to give the public opinion on the matter and then, within the same paragraph, give your personal opinion for the discussion of the public belief. If it is something that you do not believe in, then immediately contradict the opinion by saying something like "I don't believe that this reason is justified because...". However, if you support the opinion, then say "In addition to this opinion, I also believe that...". So in both instances, you manage to give your personal opinion in a manner that makes it seem well developed in the essay even though you have not said a lot in terms of your personal opinion. This type of presentation creates a better, stronger, and more developed discussion of the prompt provided. When you get to the concluding part, you don't need to do anything more than just restate the prompt, pro and con opinion, and then state your final opinion on the matter. Now don't forget, you still have to include your personal opinion at the end of the opening statement so that the reader will know how to identify your personal opinion in the overall essay.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Okay, this all makes more sense now. Thanks for giving me the clarification regarding the kind of essay that you need to develop. Upon reading your essay again, this time keeping in mind that you are developing a statement of purpose, I came to the conclusion that paragraphs 2 - 5 will create the best foundation for this discussion. It contains your academic background, the problem that you wish to resolve, the solution that you wish to pursue (which creates your purpose), and the reason why you opted to apply for admission to Virginia Tech. Separate those paragraphs from the others and try to develop the discussion further if you can. Focus on the presentation of your possible thesis statement as the reason that you hope to pursue masters studies in construction management. Explain how you hope to have Virginia Tech assist you in developing the possible solution to the problem you have presented. Discuss the internship programs offered by the university in relation to the practical skills that you hope to develop during this course of study. Let's start from there and improve upon the essay depending upon the type of statement of purpose you are able to develop. You have more than enough basis for the SOP within the essay you developed to properly address its requirements. I'll be here to guide you as best as I can till you finalize the content of the essay. We can get this done within the remaining time frame. Don't worry about it.

Undergraduate / Robotics and software engineering really take my interest. USC supplement essay [5]

Jiang, what is the relationship of the senior citizens and their cellphone use with the rest of your essay? When you present a topic for discussion such as you did in the opening statement of your essay, you must relate all of your discussions to that situation throughout. You have to bring the discussion full circle by referring back to the problem of the senior citizens and their cellphone use as something that you will pursue as an academic interest at USC through the use of the robot lab or something. I am sure you know which club or research center there will best suit my suggestion, use it. The addition of the senior citizen predicament at the start of the essay made the essay interesting to read. So don't let go of that discussion. Use it to further develop a more unique response to the prompt. You are getting there. Don't stop now.

Undergraduate / What really impressed me is that TEDxZYZ is really influential. Extra activities essay. [4]

Jiang, when you are asked to elaborate on an extra curricular activity, you are not being asked to relate a specific event related to it. Rather, it is just supposed to be a statement, since you only have 500 kb with which to work with for the statement response. Yes, you have to respond in only a few sentences and not a narrative essay form. So all you have to do with this essay is deliver the name of the activity, the club or organization you participated in, and what the objective of the activity is. The objective of the activity is the elaboration part of the statement. this should not take more than 5 sentences to complete at the most. Look at the other examples of statements here based upon the same prompt requirement. Observe how the others responded to it and use those as examples when it comes to revising your response.

Undergraduate / My university essay which delivers more info about me, my life, struggles and achievements [5]

Abdul, this is a highly personal essay is a rollecoaster ride of emotional conflict. It is engaging and leaves the reader wishing that you had said more about your life. You have worn you heart on a sleeve this time and it shows in the vulnerability of your personality in the essay. This is a highly emotional essay that is sure to be memorable to some extent for the reviewer. The reason that I use the term "to some extent" is because this is a personal essay that does not clearly deliver a purpose for being written. I guess that is caused by the fact that you did not provide a proper prompt discussion for the essay. Is there a chance that you were given a guideline or a question to respond to in a personal essay manner by the college or university? I would like to offer more solid advice about how to improve the essay but without a starting point to base the content of the essay on, I am a bit lost as to how you guide you in terms of improvements.

As a personal essay, the reviewer will definitely want to see the development of your interest in your chosen major. However, there is no reference to your chosen major, nor is there a properly developed line of interest in a particular field in this essay. Therefore, you must be developing a different kind of personal statement. I would love to know what the guide questions are so that I can get a better grasp of the way your essay should be developed.

Undergraduate / Describe an experience from my life that demonstrates my character or helped shaped it [2]

Charlene, congratulations on overcoming such a huge educational obstacle. Your story is truly inspirational and I can understand how these series of events would have helped to not only shape your character but also define it. However, the essay is running a bit too long. Doesn't this come with a maximum word count for you? You see, when you have the essay presented in such a detailed manner, the reviewer may not have the time to completely read your essay. So the tendency of the reviewer will be to skip to the end of the essay as soon as he can. Making the progression of your narrative irrelevant in his eyes. The best thing to do to resolve this possible problem will be to summarize the learning difficulties that you had and jump as soon as you can to your diagnosis and then summarize your experience after the diagnosis and then jump to your present situation at school , detailing your achievements and and retaining the sentiment of how you did not allow the illness to define you. That way, even if the reviewer skips around, he will get the highlight of your story each time.

Undergraduate / Uni Admission Essay - I am more than just my grades [3]

Hilya, the essay provides a good insight into your achievements in academics and the arts. However, the reviewer will not be familiar with the awards that you won so a simple explanation as you how one qualifies for such an award is forthcoming for the benefit of the reviewer. I will admit that your dossier is pretty impressive in the field of academics, sports, and the arts. However, there is a missing link in your essay.

Don't you have any internship or work opportunities in a related field to your chosen major to share? The university obviously gives a high degree of importance to work related experience or training in their final consideration so you should be able to share something along the lines of the major that you are applying to. I hope you only forgot to include that paragraph in the essay and you will not tell me that you do not have any work experience to share because we will have a problem in addressing that specific prompt requirement in your essay.

Undergraduate / Your essay should answer the following questions: What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? [2]

Leana, it would be best if you complete the prompt requirement that was given to you for the development of this essay. It seems that you are required to respond to two questions in the essay. I would love to know what the other question is so that I can read through your essay again just to make sure that both questions were responded to properly. At this point, I believe that you have developed a good response to the first question but, you need to adjust the content because of a portion that I feel is irrelevant to the discussion.

With regards to your studies at Suffolk, I do not really see the relevance of mentioning the number of units that you have completed at this point. Unless, it is required in response to the second question? If it is not, then you should remove the reference to Suffolk in totality. Since this is not a transfer essay, it is not necessary to qualify the reason that you are going from one college to the other. That is irrelevant to the discussion. As a transfer student, I am sure that FIT will have a prompt that will allow you the opportunity to discuss your reasons for transfer, if it is necessary for the reviewer to know the reasons behind it.

Graduate / Personal Statement - Management Science / Business Tech / Analytics program [2]

tz, this is an almost perfect personal statement. The development of your interest in this field of work is highly interesting and engages the reader. There is actually evident room for career development and growth in the way that you presented your discussion. You have not left any stone un-turned in this discussion. So on the personal side, there is no need to address any changes to the essay. However, you need to add information towards the end regarding your personal interest in the university that you are applying to. Are you planning to submit the same essay to multiple universities? If you are, then you will have to develop a unique paragraph referring to your university of choice in the second to the last paragraph of each essay you will be submitting. Remember, your personal interest in the course offerings of the university will play a direct role in convincing the reviewer that you are someone who is solid in terms of dedication to the completion of the course at the university. So you have to indicate information that proves you know the demands that this course of study at the university requires of its students and that you are more than willing to meet those demands without question.

Undergraduate / Robotics and software engineering really take my interest. USC supplement essay [5]

Jiang, first of all, don't use archaic words such as lucubrate when you can simply say "write or study" at night. I know, it is a big word that you probably came across in some program or thesaurus. Just because it sounds like an impressive word does not mean it will impress the reviewer. If the word is from ancient English, such as in this case, the reviewer will most likely not be highly familiar with the word since it is not in common use in our modern times. So keep your language and vocabulary current. Stick to 20th century to 21st century words only.

Next, it is not enough for you to just rattle off the classes and clubs that you exist for your major and then say you will join in. It will be best if you let the reviewer know that you have a solid idea of how you plan to pursue your academic interests. For example, if you have a plan to build a robot that does something specific, then use that as the basis of how you will pursue your academic interests at the university. Everything from the academic to the extra curricular should directly relate to that development so that the reviewer will understand that all of your time at the university will be properly accounted for and used in the pursuit of academic and practical application excellence.

Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

Alireza, is this supposed to be a motivational letter or statement of purpose? The title of your post is too general and doesn't really tell me much about the reason that this essay was written and developed in this manner. It would really help if you can tell me what type of application essay this is supposed to be. The reason I say that is because, for a motivational letter, it is really informative but then deviates from the proper discussions related to your motivation towards the end of the essay. If this is for a statement of purpose, then the essay needs to lose some information that is more relevant towards a motivation letter. If you can just clarify the sort of essay that this is supposed to be, I think I can help you set this on the right track for your use. I look forward to your reply.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Ratan, this is an extremely long essay for admission. So I guess the question that should be asked based upon the length of your essay is, are you trying to write a statement of purpose, personal statement, or letter of motivation? Please be specific about the kind of essay that you are trying to develop because each of the essay types I mentioned has a different set of prompt response expectations that cannot be combined into one essay. Kindly clarify the essay type as soon as you can. In general though, you will be happy to know that the essay you wrote is so complete in information that you can actually just take specific paragraphs out of this essay in order to create a new essay based upon each one of the 3 essay types I previously indicated. So revising this essay in order to make it fall into the proper requirements for your essay will be easier than you think. Maybe some additional information will be required but you should not be scared to do that because you have all the information you need outlined for you already.

Scholarship / Motivation letter on Urban Studies - My dream scholarship [2]

Bunheng, you have to remove the aspects of this letter that are better presented as part of your statement of purpose. The letter is extremely long but does not really deliver on the actual motivation for your desire to pursue a degree in Urban Studies. The best way to approach this letter is to do it from a historical and then modern standpoint. You successfully delivered the historical motivation that you have for your desire to help Khmer Rouge redevelop into a modern city. However, your modern motivation is not very clear because of the numerous discussions that you present that cross from motivation to purpose then back to motivation. So you need to focus your content on your desire to modernize Khmer Rouge in the future by focusing your studies on Urban Planning / Studies. It is difficult for me to point out the paragraphs that you can actually use for the development of a new motivation letter because of the combined information located within them. I guess the best advice I can give you at this point is this, in the letter, discuss how your love for Urban Studies developed based upon the historical basis of Khmer Rouge. Just talk about how your interest began and why the current status of the city has inspired you to pursue these studies. Be casual, don't list your autobiography in the letter. Just present information about your interest in the field and then talk about how you came across the university and what made you interested to attend these masters studies there. Just keep the letter simple. You don't need to include an explanation of your transcript of records in it like you have now.

Undergraduate / Briefly discuss a current global issue indicating why you consider it important and what you suggest [3]

Nima, please provide us with the complete prompt for your essay. It got cut off because you tried to use if for your title in the box. Please be reminded that you need to develop an original and interesting title for the essay when you post it here for review. You can be suspended by the moderators for not developing interesting titles since that is a direct violation of the forum rules and regulations.

Your essay suffers from a number of problems. The major problem being that most of it comes across as an ISIL primer more than anything else. You are not really discussing the problem of ISIL as you are presenting the history and current status of ISIL worldwide. Therefore, the problem you are trying to present is lax. The historical take on the emergence of ISIL is irrelevant. Your solution is also too wide in scope and thus, becomes ill applicable to the problem that you are trying to present.

I will probably be able to help you better focus the content of this essay to meet the prompt requirements once you upload the complete prompt for our review. Please do that as soon as you can so that we do not waste any more time in reviewing your current problematic essay.

Undergraduate / Tell us more why you intent to finish the Computer Engineering Program? [2]

Nate, when you develop your reason for pursuing this academic program, make sure to relate it to a particular field of interest. So, as a computer engineer, what is your vision for the computer of the future? Why do you believe that sort of computer should be created? What shortcomings do you see in the current crop of computers and its designs ? These are the questions that you have to ask yourself if you wish to come up with pretty good and solid reasons for pursuing this particular academic program. The reason, has to tie in with the changes that you want to make to the current computer hardware. The passion that you have for the way that these hardware pieces work individually and combined highlight the interest that you have for the major. Your desire to improve what already exists should be the reason for your pursuit of a Computer Engineering degree. So you will need to redevelop your response, this time, use the guide questions I gave you to help you complete the 250 words needed for this essay.

Scholarship / Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hope & wishes. [12]

Diga, your essay is lacking in a number of aspects. It doesn't clearly represent any familiarity with the Korean culture or language on your part aside from having read about the health care system of the country quite recently. So you have no actual preparations for this sort of scholarship program. This scholarship program will only work for you if you already have some knowledge of Korean culture and have taken some or advanced Korean language classes. Have you taken any sort of Korean language classes? Those classes should be discussed and represented in relation to the KGSP scholarship program. I do not see a clear reason for your desire to study in Korea in the essay. The KGSP scholarship looks for students who have a passion and desire to live and work in Korea for a few years after graduation in order to really get the most out of the scholarship program. I strongly urge you to look at the other KGSP application essays that have been previously written and advised on in the past on this forum. Get an idea of what the response requires and hopefully, you will figure out the best way to revise your essay from there. At the moment, this essay will not qualify you for the scholarship at all.

Scholarship / The field of Applied Physics with specialization on Plasma Physics. STUDY PLAN for Scholarship [2]

Fauziah, when you write a study plan for your masters degree, you must present a thorough discussion of your thesis statement and the procedure by which you will be researching the topic during the duration of your studies a the university. You have to present the relevance of the topic you have chosen to research in the betterment of health in your home country. Most importantly, you have to indicate how you hope this research can help to alleviate the existing health conditions that your country has to deal with. Think about how the research can be implemented in your country, how the scholarship can help you implement the changes you want to make through its network, and how your success in implementing your study plan might be measured by the scholarship committee. That is the nature of a normal study plan that has an overview of the post study plan involved. What are the scholarship specific requirements for the presentation of your study plan? Can you share the actual instructions with us here so that we can better align the advice that is given to you in terms of the demands of the scholarship? I feel like the advice I have given you can be adjusted, I am just not sure how to do it without knowing the scholarship prompt requirements.

Research Papers / Essay about motivation letter for German's university scholarship. How to make aroused letter? [3]

Dewa, in terms of presentation, your letter is confused. You have accidentally mixed the content of a letter of motivation with a statement of purpose. What you have to do at this point is take the parts that are best suited for the letter of motivation and then develop it a bit more for the purposes of the letter. The following are the paragraph numbers that will properly create the foundation of your letter of motivation: 4,5,7. Take those paragraphs, format these for the letter of motivation and then add to the relevant information there. Each paragraph needs to be further developed on your part regarding how these ideas, experiences, or questions led to fuel your desire to learn more about the topic in question. Indicate an explanation of how your desire to enroll in this specific university for masters studies has motivated you to leave your mark in the field.

What I would like you to do is revise this letter using the paragraphs indicated above. See how you can better develop your motivational aspect without falling into the purpose for your study. When you have done that, come back to this thread and post your revised essay for more review and advice. We will keep doing that back and forth until you finalize the content of your essay.

Research Papers / Creationism over Evolutionism [3]

Kyle, your first three paragraphs are just saying the same thing over and over again. Review your thesis statement and accurately develop its presentation in only one paragraph. The way that you have it set out now, the thesis statements are strewn throughout the essay. All of the questions that you hope to respond to should be presented upfront in the first paragraph, also known as the thesis statement. Due to the scattered themes throughout the paper, there is no solid discussion actually developed and in fact, up till the very last paragraph of your paper, you are trying to present a new topic for discussion that remained untouched due to lack of space or word count. I am not sure about why you were not able to develop it.

Your title also needs more work. If you are dealing with only the Book of Genesis in the bible then indicate that in the title. As of now, your title implies that you are going to be discussing the whole bible in terms of creationism, which is not the case. So to avoid misleading the reader, be specific in your title presentation. The title of your paper will be the main hook that will interest the reader in your written work so you have to make it really impressive and attention getting.

Scholarship / UNC supplement essays, University of North Carolina - something inspiring [4]

Jiang, by definition, an elder is described as any of the following persons:
1. a person of greater age than someone specified.
2. a person of advanced age.
3. a leader or senior figure in a tribe or other group.

While a senior citizen, which is the complete term for the shortened "senior" term used I am suggesting for use in your essay describes someone who is "an elderly person, especially one who is retired and living on a pension."

Since you were visiting the old people at a home or a senior living facility, it would be more proper to call them "senior citizens" or "seniors" for short. That is because they fall under the definition of a retired person living on a pension.

So in the essay, do not call them old people, do not call them elders, call them "seniors" instead or use the full term "senior citizen" when referring to the people you interacted with of far advanced age than you. Apply the correction in the essay.

Finally, I still do not see any reference in your discussion as to how you were inspired by the performance of the senior citizens. You need to make it clear because you are talking about joy and happiness and getting satisfaction from their performance and not how the activity inspired you. There is a difference between the sense of satisfaction that you got and the inspiration that you had because of the activity.

Graduate / Letter of Intent - MFA Child Culture Design - University of Gothenburg [4]

Ade, try to combine the first and last paragraph of your essay in order to create a more informative opening statement for your letter. The current opening statement doesn't really create a significant impression upon the reviewer because there is too much missing information. If you remove the anecdote and just try to create a connection between your experience and your interest in MFA studies, the first paragraph should become more interesting for the reviewer to read. Try not to use the quote anymore because it doesn't really resonate with the reader. You need to create an impression based upon your own merit in that paragraph.

In the second paragraph, can you create a better foundation for your interest in MFA Child Culture Design using this exposure that you had with your lecturer. Try to further explain how your interest in Child Culture Design was established while working on this project. You don't have to discuss what you did at this point. The letter is all about explaining your intention for enrolling in the course and explaining how your interest developed is an integral part of that.

Unfortunately, the work experience that we are looking for in this essay has to do with your experience in Child Culture design. The data you provide in that paragraph does not really discuss that. Think of your actual work experience in Child Culture Design and discuss it. It does not matter if you only assisted in a project or what. The important thing is that your intentions become clear through your work experience.

There is no need to present your ideas for your future projects. That should be saved for your statement of purpose rather than the letter of intent. I suggest you remove that second to the last paragraph in totality and save it for future use. Please discuss why you chose this particular university and what your intentions are for enrolling there. For example, if they have particular course that you feel will be of significant use to you in the future as a Child Culture Designer, then go ahead and relate that before you present your closing sentence.

Writing Feedback / The Urgency of Prohibition to Mobile Phone Utilization in Public Places (Writing IELTS Task 2) [2]

Wahyu, your opening statement doesn't make any sense. I believe that you tried to simply translate your line of reasoning from your mother language to English. Which created a very confusing presentation in the end. It is important that you present your thoughts in a simple yet understandable manner. I agree with Nanda that you accidentally used too many complex words in this essay. While that was a good attempt on your part to prove your lexical ability, it prevented you from creating an understandable paragraph. So next time, don't try to impress with your words. Try to impress using the logic and sense or meaning of your paragraph instead. It need not use complicated words if you don't know how to properly use the terms you have chosen to develop the paragraph. That is how you fail to get a passing score in one of the 4 major criteria for the test.

Your line of reasoning in this essay is completely flawed and will result in a failing score. You cannot compare mobile phone use in importance to the need for food. Think about it, you will not die if you do not use your mobile phone in public for a few hours. However, if you do not eat for a number of hours, you will get hungry, weak, and, if you do not eat for days, most likely die. None of those scenarios exist in the event of being prevented from using your mobile phone in any instance. So the relevance of reasoning is unacceptable and illogical.

Writing Feedback / Are the real teachers replaceable? [4]

Von, there is a major problem with the way that you presented the essay prompt in your first paragraph. You simply did a cut and paste job on the original material. Since this essay requires you to paraphrase or restate the prompt in your own understanding in order to prove your English comprehension ability, you will automatically receive a reduced mark in task accuracy due to the plagiarism involved in the opening statement.

Now, as the essay clearly indicates that you have to pick one side of the argument to discuss, depending upon the examiner, you may or may not receive full marks for discussing both sides. That is because, upon close analysis of your work, the arguments that you present for each side makes sense. There is logic in your presentation. Therefore, the final score for that sort of unique discussion will solely be up to the discretion of the examiner. If you impress the examiner enough with your discussion of both sides, you just may gain full credit for your presentation. Otherwise, the examiner could choose to deduct points for non-compliance with the preset instructions in the prompt.

Essays / Help me to decide the content, length, structures of the scholarship essay below. [4]

Nanda, when you are asked to write a brief essay, that means you are supposed to write all of the information in a single page. This is over 2 pages in single space. Definitely over the preset limits for a brief. Try to keep the brief between 200-300 words. This is way too detailed in terms of the requirements of the summary / brief. You have to offer only 100 words per topic at this point. That will provide an accurate enough summary of the essay requirements. At this point, this is definitely not a brief but a fully developed essay covering 770 words. I don't think it will be difficult for you to create a proper brief for your essay since you have too much information to present at this point. Use the brief to present the highlights and important information only. This much detail will not help your application because the reviewer will not be able to get all of the information that he needs in the summarized form that you were required to present. Don't go over a one page, single space presentation. Review the essay and try to find the points where you can cut down. Keep it brief. Keep it short. That is what the requirements expects you to present.

Scholarship / Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hope & wishes. [12]

Diga, when you discuss your hope and wishes, there is no need to mention the problems that your government causes with regards to public health. You just need to discuss how you hope to improve that aspect of life for your countrymen, without the help of the government. The last part of your essay sounds like you are just complaining. Close on the positive note of your dreams and aspirations to change the healthcare system in your country in the future. Circle back to your parents and how you hope that all of the studying you are doing in the health care field will eventually help you to give them a better life and better health. That is the only aspect missing in this essay at this point. You have pretty much covered all aspects in the best way that you can.

Undergraduate / The brain chemistry. USC Supplemental Essay: How will you pursue your academic interests [2]

James, Neuroscience is almost totally based upon research at this point. So when you decide to pursue studies in Neuroscience, you must be able to justify your interests in the field. I suggest that you try to find out about some of the cutting edge research being done at the university as a response to this essay. As I recall, you are very much interested in the research aspect of Neuroscience. From what I have read, USC professors have some pretty interesting research ongoing. So maybe you can say something about pursuing your research interests by applying to become an assistant to one of the professors whose research is ongoing or is about to be started at one of the many research facilities of USC? Like i said, you will need to delve deeper into the academic interests that you can pursue. It will help your application if the academic interests you will pursue directly relate to your chosen major as well. That will show a passion for study and information that can help you become a better student in this particular field.

Research Papers / The Ethical Pitfalls of Orphanage Tourism [2]

George, your discussion regarding "Orphanage Tourism" is very one sided. It does not deliver a balanced discussion because you are solely focused on the effects of "orphan tourism" on the children when there are also other factors to consider. For example, ample research will provide you with information that "orphanage tourism" is growing mainly because the orphanages themselves promote it, even as a street attraction. These orphanages have children who are trained to spot and approach tourists who may be interested in spending some time at their orphanage in exchange for a performance from the children and a small donation to help support the orphanage. That is more detrimental to the children than the well-meaning intentions of the true "orphan tourist" who goes there to actually help. Then, there is the case of the parents who agree to lend their children to the orphanages in exchange for a share of the profits from the "donations" of the tourists. There is actually more than one side to the ethical discussion at this point. You have the social, government, and international ramifications of "orphanage tourism" to discuss in your paper in order to make it a balanced and credible look at the problems and pitfalls of this newly emerging tourism industry.

Undergraduate / Art, music, poetry, knowledge, love of life and humorous spirit vs kalashnikovs. Pitzer- Core Values [2]

Narmine, your statement about student responsibility should be placed at the start of the essay and be changed to the term "social responsibility". Mention social responsibility in reference to the No Pasaran shirt that you wear from time to time. Create the idea that your idea of student responsibility is tied in with political and social responsibility as well. That way, you show that you have a student advocacy that has instilled the meaning of responsibility within you. The rest of the essay is alright but I feel that there is a lack of focus on your participation, beliefs, and personal advocacy. There is a general responsiveness in your essay that does not belong there. Since you are being asked to represent the core value within your own person, the reviewer will need to see how you embodied this value during this activity. Rather than coming across as an activist, you should come across as a community leader who, even a student realizes that social responsibility does not know any age nor political or social difference. Social responsibility is everyone's cause.

Undergraduate / Ivey AEO Activity Essay #1 - my candidacy to be enrolled in the HBA program [8]

Actually, you should only present one activity that clearly represent the 3 character traits indicated in the prompt. Being the student council president, and owing to the various activities that you have presented here, I feel that you should concentrate the focus of the essay on the semi-formal dance because that is the biggest event that you led which requires you to display all 3 character traits in the performance of your duties. Portray the method by which you were able to influence the team to deliver a memorable dance based upon the way that you used the character traits of teamwork, initiative, achievement, commitment and breadth to deliver the expectations of the school faculty and the students. How do you accomplish this?

For the teamwork aspect, discuss how you developed the committees in charge of the dance activities and how you influence the members to work together during times of misunderstanding or different desires. For initiative, show how you led by example during this period. Perhaps there was a time when the members of the dance committee felt lazy or did not want to do their jobs and you took over from them. That shows initiative. Commitment and breadth would be how you pursued the plans for the dance even when it seemed like there were so many obstacles before you. Achievement would be the result of all your efforts on the night of the dance.

Try to review your previous versions of the essay. Find the situations that I indicated in my second paragraph. If you have them, then merge them into a smooth discussion for the revised essay. If you don't, then develop the discussion for inclusion in the new version of your response.

Scholarship / What do you plan to do after completing your master's degree in Sweden? [3]

Massal, you got the formula almost correct. The reference in the essay needs to start with the word "I" because you are the person who is involved in the actions to be undertaken after graduation. So the presentation should instead look like this:

I will become a lecturer and Management consultant involved in system improvement, research, and workshops meant to educate managers and develop cutting edge management strategies for future use in business management.

This is also 220 characters and covers the formula in a more direct manner that the reviewer will appreciate. Remember, you have to present the information in a direct and interesting manner at all times. Your work was good but could not present the information in a brisk and interesting manner. This is a writing style that you should develop over time as a student.

Graduate / Design, graphic and art is in my heart. Statement of Purpose for MFA in Visual Communication @SAIC [4]

Astha, in the second paragraph, there is an implication that you changed college courses / majors. As I see that you did not actually switch your college interests from Commerce to Arts, it would be best to clarify that towards the end of the paragraph. It is important that the reviewer know that you are a person engaged in Commerce by profession and engaged in Arts by personal design. That portion is a bit confusing and needs to be clarified for the reviewers benefit. The rest of the essay works very well until we get to the last paragraph. There is a mention of a woman named Jacqueline. Her relevance to SAIC is not clear and the reason for her influence upon you isn't really remarkable enough so you should just remove the reference to her in the paragraph. Instead, focus more on convincing the reviewer that SAIC will benefit immensely from your self taught background and free lance experience and should therefore, give your application far more serious consideration than the other applicants.

Graduate / Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far. RISD, MFA Graphic Design SOP [3]

Raman, in all actuality, you have said a lot in your essay without saying anything of substance at all. The first part of the essay sounds like a collection of inspiring words and action from other people. I can understand that these are people who inspired you to evolve in your career interests, but aside from that, their existence in your essay does not serve a purpose. The later part of your essay speaks volumes as to how you developed your own skills, but doesn't tell me why you needed to do that. Basically, you wrote an essay that does not have a purpose. You just wrote it for the sake of writing something, without considering the actual requirements of a statement of purpose.

It would be in your best interests to revise the essay in its totality. That means, you only use a few parts of this current essay in line with a new presentation of your statement of purpose. As a seasoned reviewer, the first thing I would want to see in your statement is the foundation of your interests in graphic design leading up to the presentation of the masters degree course that you wish to enroll in.

Come the second paragraph, my interest would then divert to academic foundation that you might have in this field. Tell me about your college achievements that will tell me how great you did during that time. Then, within the same paragraph, represent your professional immersion in this field and professional achievements, additional training, or seminars that you attended. Refer to these as the reasons why you realized that there was more to learn and do in the field of Graphic Design and that your abilities were limited by your lack of advanced lessons in the field.

Your third paragraph, must convince me that you have a pretty solid career plan for yourself should you complete your studies in this course. Where do you see your career headed after graduation? Will this be a career change for you? Or is this course of study a part of a normal career progression on your part?

As for the fourth paragraph, this will be your chance to plead your case. Convince me that you have the abilities to succeed in completing this masters course within the proper time frame. Discuss any research or technical achievements you hope to complete within the specified period of study. Make me believe that you will be an asset or ground breaking designer in the field of Graphic Arts. Set yourself apart from the others in your words.

Finally, I want to know why you think my university can help you achieve all of these plans of yours. What made you decide to choose my university over the others? At this point, I want to know which of the training programs or classes related to your masters course at my university caught your eye and why. End your essay by thanking me for the chance to be considered for admission to my university.

As you develop your new essay, you will have the opportunity to use the preloaded information from this essay. You should be the only person who will know when and where to best use the information that you have here. I hope you will find it easier to revise your essay this way.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

Thu, the way I see it, there is only one more thing that you have to do in order to create the best version of this essay thus far. Take the current opening statement and insert it between the current paragraphs 2 and 3. That would be the best way to position it as an effective transition sentence from your college academic experience leading into your professional career, plans for your future, then steadily into your strengths and weaknesses. That adjustment to the position of the paragraphs will create a more cohesive discussion of the prompt requirements and create a logical discussion process that should help make it easier for the reviewer to take note of certain highlights in your essay. I believe that this will make this version the strongest version of the essay that you have developed. Good luck with your application. We are all rooting for you!

Scholarship / Home Benefit of Commonwealth Scholarship - Nigeria [7]

@Knockout

Nothing that you wrote is in line with the prompt requirements. The expectation of the reviewer who will be reading this essay will be to learn the topic of your thesis project which should show a direct relation to your government's literacy policies. The only way you will win this scholarship is if you can indicate the government program that you will be supporting with these studies, how you plan to implement your thesis plan upon graduation, and how the scholarship committee can monitor the success or failure of your program.

The indications in your essay show that your government does not have a clear literacy policy and you have no program of implementation for any program other than becoming a teacher in your country. Review the prompt requirements again, if you follow this line of presentation, you will be disqualified from consideration because you do not mention a specific government program, your plan to assist in the government program, how it can be implemented upon your return, and how the scholarship can evaluate the success of your project.

Needless to say, you need to create a different version of your essay. Once that shows that you have reviewed your government literacy projects, you have identified a specific part of the program that you can participate in after you graduate, and that you have thoroughly worked out a plan of action for implementation upon return to your home country. Most specially, you need to explain how you plan to justify the measure of success of this project when required to do so by the scholarship foundation.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: People claim that not enough of the waste from home is recycled. [3]

Arlen, there is a certain degree of confusion in the way that you deliver the message of your essay. This is due to poorly constructed sentences stemming from your limited ability to properly form English sentences. For example, you said:

... the government should be the leader sheet...

The correct sentence formation should have been:

... the government should be the leader in legislating...

Do you see how your desire to create a complex sentence creates an improper simple sentence in the process? As such, you need to practice better word usage and sentence formation in your upcoming practice tests. In addition to that, there is also a need to for you to understand that the point of view that you do not support should never close the essay. That is because when you present the side that you do not support in the last part of the essay, that is most likely what the examiner will remember as your supporting statement. Mostly because the point of view that you support or are in agreement with is usually made the closing part because the strength of your essay comes from the way that you have a strong, positive finish to your message.

Undergraduate / Personal Profile for University Admission - an episode that taught you something about yourself [2]

S M, due to the one essay per thread policy of the forum, I will only be responding to the first essay in this list. The forum administrators will expect you to post each of these essays in individual threads. If you fail to do so, they will simply delete the successive essays after the first one in this thread. Once they do that, you will not receive any advice for those essays. Please follow the rules and post each essay in a dedicated thread. One topic per thread. For this particular thread, I will be giving you advice regarding only the first essay in the list.

The essay prompt seeks to learn about your character based upon your knowledge of your abilities and and ability to observe your personality based upon your response to the events happening in your world. The essay that you wrote lacks a deep analysis of your character as dictated by the prompt. It is important that you revise the essay to portray an experience that helped you to discover something about you that you did not know before. This could be a strength of character, a sense of empathy for others, or a desire to simply help your community when called upon to do so. There is no such development in this essay.

In your current essay you only speak of the way that you discharged your duties as the captain of your school government. That is not an appropriate way of responding to the prompt because it does not show a sense of character development or point of view regarding your abilities and how it affects other people. Consider the explanation that I gave in paragraph two of my review of your essay when you revise the content of your essay. That paragraph should serve as your guideline for the adjustment of your response in order to deliver the prompt requirements.