Undergraduate / The book all of Colgate's Class of 2021 should read [5]

Alex, there is no need to tell the reviewer who recommended the book to you. All that is important is that you have a book to recommend. In paragraph one, you mention that there is a parallelism between the book and our current society. You need to quantify that statement by offering examples of the similarities you see. The idea, is to show the reviewer that you can spark a debate or analysis of the book topic based on commonalities. In order to create this strong presentation, you will need to revise your opening paragraph to include the examples. I know you already have 250 words in this essay so the best way to address the necessary information addition is by revising one part of the essay. Just revise the opening statement and leave the other paragraphs as is. Those will serve to be the supporting discussions from your point of view.

Graduate / The master program of my choice: PROJECT MANAGEMENT STUDY OBJECTIVES [4]

Mohanad, in order to create a more convincing study objective for your masters program, you should consider developing a real project during the course of your study for implementation in your country upon your graduation. So your study objective should contain your thesis statement, in reference to the problems that your country faces in terms of project and people management. Then, specifically mention how you feel that the training your will get from this university can help you prepare or better research the study objectives. Discuss any possible training programs, internships, mentor programs, or even just the classes that you hope can help you to achieve your objectives. Ensure that you will be able to account for your study objectives through a solid study platform based on your post study plans.

Undergraduate / Auto-presentation for the internet Platform "work away" [4]

Anna, this should be written in essay format. You are not writing a poem but rather an introduction to the reviewer. So trying to look poetic on paper is not the way to go. With regards to the content, you need to present it in a clearer and more straightforward manner such as;

Hi, I am Anna from Germany. Soon after I turn 18 this spring, I will also be taking my final A-Levels exam so I can get my high school diploma. I am not sure what my future will be like but I hope it includes something along the lines of completing studies in therapeutic pedagogy. Yes, I am interested in working with handicapped children because... That plan though, is still way far into the future. For now, I want to take a gap year to visit places all over the world. I want to travel and experience life because I believe that my life experiences will better prepare me for the demands and unexpected problems that college life may throw my way.

I have always been an open minded person who comes to life when I am interacting with other cultures and meeting new people. Having a friendly and uncomplicated personality has helped me survive in life. Even since my father died, I have needed to take on the responsibility of caring for myself, learning how to get along with other people, and also, succeeding in life without having to rely on anyone else. I know, you will think that an 18 year old isn't capable of doing that. It's not a problem for me though. My father died when I was still very young. So the scenarios I told you about are things that I learned to handle early on in my life. Being a young participant in this program is nothing to me. I know I can handle it.

Use my example above to help you develop a better presentation for your essay introduction or, use this for your application instead. I won't mind either way. Good luck with your application! I hope you get into the program.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Marcus, it would be better if you revise your concluding statement just a little. An integral part of your essay was the fact that your parents did not believe that you could survive going to school far away from home and without their guidance. It is important that you bring back the discussion that you had with your parents before you left for school. Discuss it as a pondering moment. Recall their concerns and then reflect on how far you have come since then. That way, you clearly challenged a belief or idea using a series of logical and proven discussions in support of your results. In the end, you should conclude that your parents worries and concerns that caused you to challenge their belief in you were unwarranted because you were able to perform in school in ways that amazed even you.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Marcus, you don't need to add more words to paragraph 3. You should just switch it around with the current closing paragraph because paragraph 3 makes for a concluding statement that carries a strong impact. You don't always have to meet the maximum word count for an essay. If you have nothing else to say, then you don't need to do that. As in this case, sometimes, all you have to do is rearrange certain portions in order to create a better and impressive essay. That is called editing and formatting. Review the essay at this point and see if there are portions that you may want to actually shorten or combine so that the essay will be quicker to read without losing out on some sentiments that you want to present. As I said, the essay is fine as it is. Just consider switching the paragraphs I told you about. Try it as an experiment. You might like the way that the essays closes in the new paragraph arrangement.

Undergraduate / "Describe a situation when you transformed your thoughts about a topic" (100 words or less) [2]

Nanda, in order to properly represent your response, you first have to present the issue concerned. In this case, I think it is about the case of pollution in Kathmandu right? So first, discuss what the point of view that you did not support was. Then, slowly evolve your sentences to show the clear point when you changed your mind about the issue and why. So the format will be:

1. Public opinion on an issue
2. Reason for that public opinion
3. Your original opinion on the issue
4. Reasons for your change in opinion

Don't try to be very literary in approach. Just present the facts as is because this is a word limited essay. Therefore, your response will be stronger if you just speak directly and to the point. There is no need for such creative descriptions. Just serious explanations.

Research Papers / Seeking Peer Review - The development and application of animal assisted therapy in human mental [2]

Shi, you need to revise your opening statement in order to present your thesis statement somewhere within that. Your thesis statement currently does not come in until the 3rd paragraph, which makes the essay improperly developed. For a properly researched paper, the thesis statement is always located in the introduction, without any additional information or in-text citations.

As far as your references are concerned, these are too old to be considered accurate research statements or results. As a rule of thumb, research information should never be older than 5 years old. That is because constant hypothesis, research, and results are being published as interest in the research topic becomes more widespread. Therefore, the most recent results of these studies are accurate only for a maximum of 5 years. After which, the information becomes irrelevant, questionable, or debunked so it cannot be thought of as accurate information anymore.

The topic you chose is highly interesting and really offers an opportunity to understand how canine therapy works. Although, I think it would be better if you focused the discussion on mental issues such as PTSD among those serving in the police or military. They are normally the ones who often need canine therapy dogs. If you want to go the medical route, you can cite the case of Carrie Fisher who, during her lifetime, suffered from Bipolar Disorder and as such, was assigned a canine therapy dog in order to prevent the onset of the mental attacks.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Marcus, this version that you developed portrays a better response to prompt 1 about the background story. Don't hesitate to use this version for that prompt when you submit your essays. The development of this essay pretty much offers an overview of how you learned to take responsibility for yourself and the resulting actions of your decisions, without really evolving into an adult. The background story shows that you have a determination to succeed in your life that is not commonly seen among teens of your age, at that time. I have to correct some grammatical issues with your essay though. Since all of these actions have already taken place, you have to convert the narrative to past tense. Right now, you are using present tense which makes the essay faulty because that means these events have yet to happen. We both know that the events have already happened so the tense presentation has to be corrected. I am sure that you know which points need to be corrected. All you have to do is review the essay and correct the tense presentations.

Scholarship / The vital role of aid assistance. Draft essay for an Australian Award Scholarship [7]

Bona, in the first paragraph, you do not need to enumerate the problems that your country is facing. Neither do you have to say that these problems have prepared you to study overseas. All you have to state in this paragraph are the name of the university, the course you wish to enroll in, the reasons that you believe completing this course will help you enact projects that will help your country upon your return, and potential projects that are related to your course that you feel you can implement in your home country after you graduate.

In the second paragraph, avoid redundancies. Just name the university as your second choice. There is no need to say "Secondly" anymore as you already indicate that the university is your second option in the opening sentence. Justify the statement you about the university having the ability to make a difference and become a positive influence in Cambodia. Offer relevant information about classes, training programs, and the like which can differentiate the previous university from this one.

Undergraduate / "What Would It Mean To You To Call Yourself A part of our university?" (100 words or less) [2]

Nanda, rather than wasting your valuable word count with word fillers in your first sentence, use that to enhance the statement instead. You mention a myriad of opportunities that the university offers its students beyond interdisciplinary schooling. Why don't you mention what these opportunities are? Give examples of organizations or exchange programs that will help to give value to your schooling there. That way you balance the extra curricular intellectual influence with the academic and athletic considerations that you have. It would also be unique if your statement has you developing a specific phrase, description, or title for yourself in order to better represent the "Call yourself" part of the prompt. How would you categorize all of the things you said into one word? Maybe a notable phrase? Even a hashtag would probably work to further create a unique sense within your response.

Undergraduate / Innovation and Seeking the Truth [7]

I am not sure what you mean by using your own target. You will have to explain that to me. I don't see anything in the prompt that requires you to target anything. What you are being asked to discuss is a belief system rooted in values that you have developed over your life. Some of these values actually already exist as examples based upon how your parents raised you. For some specific examples of these values, you can refer to the following list:

1. Respect for your elders
2. The importance of friends and friendship
3. Being a responsible member of the family
4. Doing your job accurately as a student
5. Cultural values that emanate from traditions in your country or community.

I hope that based upon the examples above, you can now find something more responsive to the prompt to write about. What I have provided is just a general listing. It is up to you to find the specific examples for discussion in your essay response.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, that is not the correct response either. The essay is asking to respond in a manner similar to this example:

If you were to peel away at my onion exterior, you would find a layer of personality that dislikes conflict. Which is why I do my best to get along with people. I also do my best to mediate between my friends, classmates, and co-workers because I believe that conflict has no place in any relationship. Be it professional or personal, it is important that someone recognize the fact that discord only creates a disturbance in the cooperative nature of a community. This is the the layer of my personality that I plan to bring to the university with me. As a regular student who lives on campus, I will do my best to foster camaraderie and kinship among my classmates, regardless of political belief, sexual orientation, gender, or status in life. I believe that college studies are the great equalizers in this instance so everybody has to learn to just get along and not make enemies of others. It is my hope that I will be able to use these qualities of mine as a mediator to help create a unique Whitman student community.

Write an original essay that takes inspiration from what I wrote above. Find that special character trait of yours that can help to make the student community an even better place to live in during your next 4 years as a student there.

Graduate / English Essay for graduate school to describe experience with English [2]

Lisa, there is actually no need for you to refer to the fact that Chinese students in the exchange program still spoke in Chinese. That is irrelevant to the essay. The focus should only be upon how your exchange family helped you to master the English languages, as best as you could, within those two weeks. By the way, it is important that you mention the name of the exchange program and the dates that you were in the USA because the reviewer may want to to verify the information as part of your application credentials. Double check your book titles for capitalization errors. you have Pride and Prejudice written in lower case. Being the title of a book, this has to be written using upper case for the first letter of each word.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, the essay that you wrote is nowhere near responding properly to the prompt. This is an essay that is asking you to consider what kind if talent, personality, or degree of helpfulness that you can share with the Walla Walla community. I know that you have written some other application prompts that somewhat discuss these topics. However, this essay is asking you to be more specific. For example, if you were not allowed to discuss a particular advocacy or interest of yours in the other prompts, you can do that in this essay. This is all about getting to know you better by finding out how you plan to interact with the student community of the university. Think of something that is special about you. It could be a talent or a skill that you have not presented in the other essays. Maybe you are an active participant in theater plays or musicals? Or you like doing community service when you are not in class? Come up with a unique presentation for one of your extra curricular interests that could boost the way that the student community will benefit from.

Undergraduate / Passion for Neuroscience transfer intent essay [2]

James, while you present a clear discussion of the objectives that you hope to achieve through your university transfer. Aside from the fact that CSUn doesn't offer this major, you do not present a strong discussion for the reasons that have compelled you to transfer to this new university. For example, you could have presented a discussion regarding the kind of training that you hope to achieve during this transfer. Remove the focus from Dr. Tamae and the contribution the professor made to your academic enlightenment at CSUN. Instead, try to find a similar professor at the new university whose research is along the lines of Neuroscience has excited you and made you realize that switching schools is the only way that you can achieve academic satisfaction at this period in your life.

Undergraduate / The book all of Colgate's Class of 2021 should read [5]

Alex, while I agree with you about the need for students to start reading more books. The discussion that you presented does not follow the criteria set out by the university regarding the type of books that they recommend to the students for literary enlightenment. Your book does not engage the student in an intellectual debate, nor promote critical thinking among those who will have read the book. Unless you can discuss which portions of the book directly relate to those 2 criteria, the book you chose will be nothing but an irrelevant source of fiction. The book that normally fits in this prompt is a non fiction book.

Regardless of who wrote the book, the suggestion of the reading material that comes from you has to accomplish a number of things. First, it has to have an interesting premise for discussion among a group of readers. Second, the writer has to have the ability to spark a debate based upon his beliefs as espoused in his book. Finally, it has to be intellectual in the sense that it will teach the reader about something that he may not learn in the classroom.

Undergraduate / Baseball and my grandfather matters to me. [3]

Antonio, this essay is confusing in content. Which is it that matters most to you? Your grandfather, the time spent with your grandfather, or the baseball play? When you are asked to discuss what matters to you, the essay is premised on the fact that there is something in your life that you treasure dearly. Rather than focusing baseball and the time you spent with your grandfather watching it, you can opt to rather say that what you value the most is the time you spent with your grandfather. That way, you can integrate your final paragraph into the overall sense of the essay. At the moment, that paragraph carries importance in the narrative, but is presented in an irrelevant manner so it does not merge well with the earlier paragraphs. In order to keep that paragraph relevant, you will need to revise the first few paragraphs of your essay to slowly introduce that statement.

Undergraduate / Aspiring to Help Others as the way to achieve success - Essay A [4]

Marissa, I am really not sure which prompt this essay is responding to. What do you mean by Essay A? It would really help everyone here if you could provide a copy of the complete prompt. That way we can stop thinking of the essay that you wrote as an imperfect and confusing personal essay. I think that you are trying to discuss an obstacle that you had to overcome. Am I right? If I am, then say so so that we can put our heads together here and help you better develop your response for the prompt. If I am nowhere near the right topic, then please, point us all in the right direction. As of now, the narrative is too general in focus. It could discuss a few different things at this point. Like i said, it feels like a personal statement, but also gives the vibe of an overcoming the obstacle essay. Perhaps if you can decide which of the two prompt topics you really want to write about, we will be able to help you better.

Undergraduate / New environment, educational system and fresh attitude. Why The New School? - International student [5]

Inmaculada, the way I read your essay, you come across as an aimless and disinterested person when it comes to your education. That is why you chose to apply at this student created curriculum university. So, rather than seeming so aimless and without a clue in terms of your future, talk about a unique future for yourself that will combine the best classes at The New School. Make the reviewer understand that you are not without a direction or a so called "professional college student" who just keeps taking seminars because she can't figure out what she really wants to do in her life. Try to at least develop a related direction for the classes you are to create for yourself. That means, you have to pick the major that you are most attracted to and develop a sense of how you will become a unique graduate of the school based upon the classes you are interested in enrolling in . One more thing. I might be best if you write this essay in your mother tongue then use an online translator to convert it to English. That should help make your essay more grammar adherent when it comes to the presentation of the discussion.

Scholarship / I feel pride in the fact that my job is to save the planet earth [3]

Saim since you completed a degree in Business Administration, there is no clear connection between the environmental studies that you wish to pursue and your profession. As a reviewer for this scholarship foundation, I will not be confident in the knowledge that you do not have any environmental background in terms of academic preparation. So, it would be best if you omit mentioning your college degree for the time being. Instead, focus your discussion on your work with the WWF and other environmental programs that you can mention as part of your proper qualifications.

Next, there is no set time frame for your completion of this course as indicated in your instructions. The best way to discuss the time frame would be to present your environmental ideas in relation to the education you hope to receive and then explain the number of years required to complete the academic training as per the university guidelines.

Scholarship / The link between my desire for contributions and my current career [4]

A creative title would be something along the lines of "I'm a Philanthropic Accountant" or "I'm an Accountant, What Would I Learn from Philanthropy?" Make it exciting and eye catching. After you come up with an interesting title, you can post the full prompt, in its original form in the box, before you post the actual essay.

Do not offer information that is not being asked for in the essay. In this instance, your plans for after you graduate are irrelevant to the discussion of your course and university choices. So do not include your after study plans. The reviewer's tend to frown upon the students who try to present discussions that are not required just because the student feels it is important. By doing that, you will prove to the reviewer that you either do not know how to follow instructions or, you just tend to ignore specific orders. In which case, that will end up being a negative mark on your application.

Neither of the stories that you mention about your activities with the children apply. Why are you focused on future contributions discussions in this essay? Read the prompt again, those are not required information at this point. Just discuss how you developed the interest in Philanthropy and the universities you have chosen to apply to.

When you discuss how you developed this interest, you need to focus on the influences that led you to this point. The definition of Philanthropy is "the desire to promote the welfare of others, expressed especially by the generous donation of money to good causes." or, "an act or gift done or made for humanitarian purposes". So the discussion about how you chose this course should involve the kind of financial contribution that you made for the welfare of the community. Neither of your examples do that.

Instead, you should be discussing how Accounting led you to the desire to become a Philanthropist. What was it about your accounting career that led you to believe that you should change career paths from Accounting to Philanthropy? Develop the explanation as to how this could have happened because the connection between the two lines of study are not quite clear in your essay.

I believe that you are trying to get advice for a different essay at this point. Please don't try to do that. Don't try to work the system. You will get suspended if you continue to do this. Stick to only the required elements of the original essay that you posted. If you cannot do that then I will no longer offer you my help and advice. As a contributor here, I cannot and will not violate the terms of use of the forum.

Scholarship / The link between my desire for contributions and my current career [4]

Shierley, you will need to learn how to develop original and interesting essay titles for your succeeding essays otherwise you will risk being suspended from the forum. You violated the rules of the forum when you used the full prompt for the title instead of developing a creative title for it. Consider this a friendly warning from a contributor. Don't wait for the admin to warn you. They have the ability to suspend you after warnings are given and you do not change the way that you participate in the forum.

In addition to that, do not post new essays in this thread. This thread is dedicated only to the first essay that you posted. You will need to start a new thread for each essay that you want reviewed. If you add a new essay to this thread, the admin will immediately delete it and issue a warning. That could come with a suspension also eventually. Follow the rules strictly. Only one essay per thread.

It is not wise to start your essay from "elementary school". The essays that start at that point of education are often taken with a sense of disbelief by the reviewer because "elementary school" is not capable of opening the eyes of a student or a person in the manner that you represent in the essay. From the way that I read your work, it would be best if you indicate that your interest in Philanthropy started in college or with the online course instead. More importantly, you should offer an example of your personal participation in Philanthropy if you want to create a solid foundation for your decision to enroll in this proposed course. You cannot just tell the reviewer about information. You have to show him relevant examples in order to convince him to believe what you are saying.

When you discuss your 2 university choices, you need to discuss each university in a specific and separate paragraph. You cannot make a convincing plea for your case if you are telling the scholarship reviewer that the universities do not have any differences. There has to be a priority 1 and priority 2 university in this case. With each difference or highlight of the university course offering being used as the reason for your ranking them in that order.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

You can definitely keep the last paragraph in its original form Marcus. It is actually a very good discussion to close the essay on because your information and ideas are combined to come full circle in support of the discussion. The changes that I suggested are actually going to help to further strengthen this discussion and allow you to better represent the adult transition to the reviewer. The major edits of your essay belong in the first half. That is the part that I am telling you to combine or edit in order to help with your word count or focus the content of the essay in the best manner possible. I believe that the changes, once applied, should result in an essay that will be ready for you to use. Please try to apply the changes as soon as you can for final review. I'll be on stand by in anticipation of your revised essay.

Undergraduate / Innovation and Seeking the Truth [7]

Tan, the essay is not asking you to deliver a response in relation to your academic beliefs. That is the wrong idea. The essay would like to focus on a discussion regarding the strength of your character based upon your beliefs as it applies in your daily life. The examples you provide in your essay are really too academic in nature and ceases to represent your personality and beliefs in social aspects. Try to revise the essay to better represent your common or social beliefs. Read up on the mission, vision, and objectives of NTU and do your best to relate your beliefs to that of the university. That way, you allow yourself to develop your actual personality instead of an academic image. The reviewer wants to get to know you as a person rather than as a student because your beliefs will be integrated into the social realm of the student community of the university once you are admitted.

Undergraduate / Questions about UBC Personal Profile - admission essay [2]

Hi Nancy, I know that you are new to the forum so you probably aren't that familiar with the rules here yet. We have a one essay per thread ruling and the admin deletes all successive essays located in a single thread. So, in an effort to help you, I will give you advice on the topmost essay in your thread. That is considered the first essay. You need to start new and separate threads for your other essays before we can help you with those.

Rather than telling the reviewer that you began to research studying abroad opportunities in Grade 11, you should instead, show him how you prepared for your first IELTS test. That is so that when he finds out that you failed 2 portions of the test, the background or reasons that you failed in those portions will be clear to him. That information is more important than why you decided to take the test. What is important, is that you took the test, you failed, and then you prepared again and this time, you succeeded in your task. So the rest of the essay has a good presentation for the last part of your essay. You just need to revise the start so that it will be more interesting and informative to read.

Scholarship / "I have to go for it" - Letter of Self-Introduction KGSP - Masters Degree in Korea [3]

Ingrid, in order to create a proper letter of introduction for such a specific scholarship grant, you will need to make a lot of adjustments to the content of your letter. First of all, you have to understand that you are not being asked to provide a bio data in this letter. The information you currently have provided can be learned by the reviewer through the documents that you will be providing. This letter, is meant to help you focus on introducing how your interest in the Korean culture and language developed. I don't get a particularly relevant discussion of that in this letter. Before you tell the reviewer why you feel you will be a good student in Korea, you first have to convince him that you have the proper background and interest in the Korean lifestyle that will help you succeed once you begin studying in the country.

Undergraduate / -YALE- FOOTPRINT ON MY CHINESE HARDSHIPS [4]

Kelly, first up, the opening paragraph of the essay focuses on someone other than you. Therefore, the essay does not open on the correct note. All references to any action in the essay must link back to you and highlight your actions. You cannot focus the essay on someone else and then try to call attention to yourself within the later parts. That is one of the reasons why your essay is over the word count. You should instead, be focusing on introducing yourself as a member of the Chinese club in your school, that is the community you belong to. Tell the story of how the club came to be. Only then should you introduce the footprint that you left by discussing the student whom your organization helped. You will need to adjust the closing statement though. No dialogue for the student that you helped is allowed in this essay. However, you can say that your group continues to help the student to this day.

Undergraduate / A step to be greater and more meaningful than the previous one - my transition to maturity [4]

Yes, I believe that this essay is reflective enough to catch the interest of the reviewer. That is because your story is unique. It comes full circle in discussing what you went through upon leaving your home country and the kind of obstacles that you had to overcome in order to come to the point where you are in your life now. If anything, I feel like the essay is a bit too long. So I am worried about your maximum word count. Didn't you go over the limit in this instance? You might want to consider shortening the essay a bit so that the reviewer will be able to scan the more important information faster. Try to avoid giving the reader single sentences that are only meant to connect to the next paragraph. Try to make your transitions fluid from one transition to the next so that you do now waste word count and cut the reader's concentration. The essay only needs a little adjustment in terms of format and content before it can be ready to use.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Hi Marcus, I hope you won't mind if I jump in here with some suggestions about how you can better align the prompt to the requirement of the transition story. I am sure TJ can add something to my suggestions as well. For starters, you combine your first and second paragraphs so that your essay will have more of a word allowance to better highlight the transition to adulthood portion. If you can explain why your parents were worried about allowing you to move to the sports school, that would help show the child in you prior to the transition. Then, when you start discussing your transition, make sure to tell the reviewer what kind of responsibilities you were given at the school which led to the change in your mindset and a more responsible attitude. The transition should be more than just about wanting to become the best in your sport so you can win in competitions. It should show how you were able to prove that your parents fears were unwarranted as well. Make sure to place an acknowledgement statement from your parents about the changes that happened to you that led them to believe that you have matured to the point of adulthood already. That should be at least a one sentence or one paragraph long presentation depending upon how many words you have to work with in the essay.

Undergraduate / Computer screens give me energy: NYU Application [4]

If you still have time to use the edit button on your essay, then go into the Edit section and delete the 2nd essay. If you can't because time already ran out then leave it for the admin to delete. As for your query about the possible prompt you can use the essay that you wrote for, the answer is no. You can't use that essay for that prompt either.

You see, all of the essay prompts are designed to show the reviewer a sense of responsibility, character growth, logical discussion, or ability to handle adult type situations. That is because these are similar challenges that you will face as a college student. So the reviewer has to know that you have the qualifications to handle the scenarios on your own should you be admitted to their college.

The story that you relate and the solutions that you presented all portray juvenile irresponsibility and lack of adult mindset. That means, you responded to the situation like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It shows that your mindset is childlike and you lack the intellectual maturity to handle serious problems, situations, and challenges that will come your way in college.

In order to properly answer this essay, you need to show a sense of maturity, a respectful and academic language in your writing, and a relevant life experience that will show the reviewer the side of you that is prepared to attend college. The essay you wrote doesn't work because the prompt is not responded to correctly. You have to write a relevant essay response. This is one essay that cannot be made to fit the prompt because of the immaturity of the writing style and projected intellect.

Undergraduate / Computer screens give me energy: NYU Application [4]

Gracielle, we have a one essay per thread policy here. Kindly delete the second essay before the admin does it for you. Start another thread on the forum, dedicated only to your second essay. In the meantime, I will respond to the first essay that is posted above.

The essay that you wrote definitely does not respond to the prompt. There is no failure here nor story of success. What you are discussing is something that does not fit into any of the common app prompt requirements actually. So I can't even tell you to just change the prompt. What you wrote about is an accident and how you responded to it. That is all.

When you respond to this prompt, you need an actual failure. For example, failing to perform a task properly, failure to pass a test, failure to satisfy your parents expectations, etc. These events or actions all result in a lesson learned from that failure which could result in not only a lesson learned for you, but also an opportunity to bounce back from it. With that explanation still fresh for you, let me advice you to do the only logical thing to do in this case, write a new essay. One that better responds to the prompt.

Graduate / Cryptography and Encryption/Decryption techniques intrigued me [3]

Pranshu, if you want the reviewer to take your essay seriously and also give proper consideration to your academic interests and professional training, you should remove the reference to the television program Bones in your essay. One of the main reasons that reviewers laugh at applicants who say they were inspired to enter into something because of a television program is because the television shows all take liberties with the truth behind the technology. What happens in minutes there takes months in real time, even with the help of computers and other technology. Don't use that as a reference point for your interest, I know you want your statement of purpose to stand out, but mentioning a television program will remove the professionalism of your essay.

Next, you should clearly state the purpose of your essay. You have spent so much time portraying your academic interests that the reviewer will clearly see a definite interest in the program on your part. The reason or purpose behind the interest is not clear. What is your career objective? Where do you see this higher academic learning leading your career in the future?

With regards to your professional career, make sure to indicate the current position that you are representing in the company, what your job description is, and why your current position will benefit from these additional studies. These need to be verifiable information. So don't exaggerate. Don't misrepresent. Just tell the truth. It will be double checked for validity.

Try to summarize the academic aspect of the essay because it takes more than 40 % of the essay. Normally, the college education is summarized in favor of the more important professional accomplishments that the reviewer prioritizes because as a MS student, you are expected to have enough real world experience rather than academic, to support your continued education.

Indicate your plans for your future career by representing your short term and/or long term goals in relation to your MS course and most importantly, discuss how the university can help you achieve these goals. Right now, that portion of your essay is not impressive because it lacks representation of your goals in relation to your studies.

Undergraduate / The words "software", "program" always more important than a "game" [8]

Excellent work Chen. This is an essay that is definitely worthy of submitting to the university. It shows a clear reason for your desire to enroll at Georgia Tech. The fact that you were drawn to the university because of the special projects that their students did will tell the reviewer that you will be an asset to their computer community as a student. You are already familiar with their special projects and have allowed yourself to ambition for a future wherein you are going to be a member of an exclusive circle of computer programmers. While the grammar is not perfect, it gets your sentiment across to the reader. The excitement is real and, even with some grammar misfires, I would have to say that this essay works very well in delivering your voice in terms of your interest in the university.

Undergraduate / How do you improve the life of others? MIT essay [8]

I guess this is as good as it gets for your essay Antonio. Since you do not have any real community service to speak of, the spin that you placed on the response in this essay will have to suffice. It is not as strong as it can be in support of the prompt but it is better than not having any sort of response to the essay. There is a semblance of how you helped to improve the academic life of these children so, while that is not as earth shattering or a truly contributing factor to the improvement of their lives, one can say that you at the very least, helped to improve their academic life. Inspiring them to possibly dream beyond the boundaries of your community through the help of Math. Go ahead and submit this essay. The reviewer might be able to see the special circumstances of your community contribution in the same way that I did.

Undergraduate / Linguistics, cognitive science, and diversity - "right college environment" Cornell Supplement [2]

Kevin, in order to call yourself a polyglot, you need to know at least 7 distinct languages. You need to be fluent in all 7 languages in order to even begin to qualify for use of the term. Since you know what? 4 languages? You can safely call yourself a linguist instead. A linguist is someone who is fluent in foreign languages. It can be as little as 3 languages. I believe that you should use the term linguist instead of polyglot in your essay. This is my only criticism of your essay, which you may or may not opt to consider for application to your work. The rest of the essay is highly engaging and clearly involves the offerings of Cornell that you hope to utilize in pursuit of your academic interests. I would not advise that you change anything regarding the content of the essay save for that word that I have brought into question.

Undergraduate / My musical journey provided me an alternate world - common app essay about music [3]

Justin, you need to clarify why you lost the drive to play the guitar in the first place. You can't just tell the reader that you decided to pick up the books and lost interest in guitar playing. What was the reason behind it? What motivated you to go for academic pursuits instead of your musical inclinations at the time? These reasons will form part of the foundation for the explanation as to why you decided to pick up the guitar again later on. Basically, the essay should reflect the two sides of your personality as a background. The side that felt a need to stop with the music in order to develop academically and intellectually, and the side that sought freedom of expression through music. If you can edit the essay to better reflect these two personalities, then this background essay will be more interesting and revealing to the reviewer in terms of getting to know you as a person.

Undergraduate / I need to go further in my efforts. Common application essay for Transfer 2017 Fall [7]

The funny thing is, I reviewed your essay upon reading your message and I totally got the sense, the feeling, that you have already responded to the prompt in the manner that you think is currently boring. Maybe it is is because you are too concerned and involved with the essay development? Sometimes, it takes the eyes of a different person to review the essay in order to let you know that you did a good job on it. I don't think that you need to adjust the essay to better reflect your reasons for transferring. It is very clear in the essay, as far as my opinion is concerned. That is why I do not think that you will need to relate any more reasons as to why you want to transfer and what you want to achieve. Unless of course, the information you currently have in the essay is not yet complete. In which case, you should go ahead and complete the essay in the manner that you know will satisfy your personal requirements.

Undergraduate / Columbia is in one of the most happening and amazing cities in the world [3]

Saransh, before you work on revising the content of your essay, I would like to call your attention to the Mission Statement of the university as indicated in their website. It would be in the best interest of your essay that you first read, understand, and analyze the mission statement as indicated there and then, and only then, should you develop a specific response essay to the question that has been given to you. You don't have to focus on the core curriculum for your response. You have to show a wide understanding of what Columbia stands for and how it is implemented in the university and among its students. If you can portray a belief in their value system as indicated in the mission statement, you will be able to deliver more relevant reasons as to why you would value a Columbia education.

Undergraduate / Something thay didn't go according the plan [4]

You should develop the problem and the lesson learned in an equal manner. One cannot be more important than the other. Regardless of what your friend told you, you have to create a balanced essay. Keep in mind that the reviewer that liked his essay will not be the same reviewer who will review your paper. The considerations will be different for you. So do not rely on the experiences of others or their instructions when developing your essay. In an essay that asks for 2 responses, the importance given is 50/50. Therefore, your concluding statement should be made stronger and develop more discussion of how you apply the lesson learned to your current endeavors. The essay has a good premise but lacks in development. Address the parts that need improvement and the essay should be good to go once that is done.

Undergraduate / An unknown place, where I was born. Writing Cornell supplement essay. [5]

Khusel, you have written a very interesting personal statement. It is engaging and introduces you to the reviewer in a somewhat interesting, more confusing than anything else, manner. Needless to say, none of the information that you wrote relates to anything that the prompt requirement asked you to discuss. There is no reference to your chosen major, the reason you chose to enroll at CALS, and more importantly, why you chose to study at Carnegie Mellon. The discussion you present is only related to your background. None of these information relate in any way to the instructions of the prompt. I think that you need to find someone who can translate the prompt requirements into your vernacular so that you can better understand how you should approach the writing of this essay. I cannot translate the essay for you and truth be told, the requirements are pretty straightforward. You just did not accurately understand what was required of your essay. Approach your teacher, that person should be able to help you better understand what you have to do with the prompt.