Undergraduate / Beethoven's Opus 109 - Stanford Essay - Intellectual Development [9]

Donut, I believe that you need just one more paragraph to complete this essay. The concluding statement must reflect the kind of intellectual maturity that you developed as an artist while learning to play Opus 109. Earlier in the essay you claimed that you came to understand that in order to play this piece properly, you needed to have a deeper sense of pain, of intellectual maturity. So, your failure to properly play this piece, and your eventual understanding of what it takes to play this piece must have led to a type of intellectual maturity that has come to be reflected in the way that you play your pieces now. I believe that indicating this in the essay will help it to close on a highly revealing and intriguing note.

Graduate / The proseminars in particular attract me. Seeking an advice on Personal Statement for MIT Sloan MFin [7]

Ng, I see two paragraphs that can be removed from the essay because they do not really help to enhance the responses to the 3 questions posed in the prompt. I advise you to simply delete paragraphs numbered 1 and 5. Also, you can remove the letter type introduction at the beginning of the essay. This is supposed to be formatted as a straightforward essay because of the prompt requirements. This is not a motivation letter but rather, a statement of purpose. Therefore, the formatting to be used is not that of a letter. By the way, if you complete the removal of the previously mentioned paragraphs, along with the letter formatting (salutations and closing greeting), the essay will be reduced to a word count of 464. So you will go comfortably below the maximum word count. The overall content of your response is applicable and direct to the point. The reviewer will definitely appreciate your short, informative, and verifiable essay.

Undergraduate / How do you improve the life of others? MIT essay [8]

Antonio, the anecdote that you are sharing tends to be more concentrated on your self satisfaction that comes from helping the others in your community to become exactly like you. You are proud of the influence that you have on them because you are creating clones of yourself. The essay is not asking you about how you gain self satisfaction from the community work that you do. Instead, it is asking you to discuss how the community is improved by your presence or the activities that you perform within the circle. Therefore, you need a more community inclusive activity that is not related to your expertise in Math. It has to be something that helps others discover something good about themselves, achieve something that they could not before you came into their lives, or something that helped the community because you made sure to help them.

Try to not focus so much on Math in all your essays. Diversify your topics so that the reviewer will not get Math saturated in your essays. Do you have any other social activity that does not relate to Math but still has you participating in a social development exercise? It doesn't even have to be focused on the community. As the prompt dictates, you can even discuss how some things or a specific thing that you do within your family has helped to improve the family dynamic for all the members of your family. Maybe that would be something that you could develop more easily?

Undergraduate / I need to go further in my efforts. Common application essay for Transfer 2017 Fall [7]

Zhang, there is a clear redundancy in the first and second paragraphs. The information you provide are mere repetitions and continuations of the first discussion. I would like to see you combine the first two paragraphs in order to create one solid flow of thought in your opening statement. Accomplishing that will show that you have a clear number of reasons for wishing to transfer, instead of coming across as a student who is unclear about his reasons for transfer, which is the image the current essay portrays due to the redundancies. A person who is unsure of what he wishes to say tends to keep repeating his statements in an essay so you have to avoid that pitfall. Aside from that observation, I do not believe that the essay itself requires much work. The presentation is tight and informative. It gives the reviewer room to consider your reasons for transfer, which are quite strong and highly uncommon as given reasons.

Scholarship / UGRAD Program will be a great chance for me to show up with new ideas and new thoughts [3]

Fatima, either you have not fully developed your essay paragraphs or you have not written the essay properly. All of your early paragraphs remain under developed and lacking in focus. These seem more like unrelated statements that do not really qualify your ability to become a good participant in the program. You should work on developing your paragraphs but first, you have to choose the top 5 topics that you feel will best represent your discussion. Try to keep your essay down to only 5 -6 paragraphs because this particular version is too long and informative in the manner that it should be. If you edit your earlier paragraphs, you will most likely be able to present a more coherent, cohesive, and accurate representation of your ability to be a great participant in the program.

Undergraduate / Body and mind synchronized through the dance - Undergraduate supplemental essay [4]

Kalei, I am not clear on why you dance just for the pleasure of it. While you give a highly descriptive explanation of how you feel when you dance, you do not indicate why you dance. What do you get out of it? How does dancing satisfy something within you? Is it a craving? A desire? A purpose fulfilled? It appears that you have given a very superficial response to the essay prompt. There is no depth in your response. The reviewer does not learn anything about you as a person from what you have written in relation to the activity. when you are doing something, there has to be a purpose for it, even if you are only doing it for pleasure. What kind of pleasure are you trying to achieve by dancing and why? Those are some guide questions that you can use to further develop or totally revise your response.

Undergraduate / "The Fainter" - Undergrad supplemental essay about a challenge [3]

Nilen, when you talk about the Nationals. Please specify what nationals you are talking about because the reader may not be familiar with the activities of the toastmaster club. Aside from that, you should expand upon the discussion regarding how you developed from being a "fainter" to someone who was finally confident enough to speak in public. It would be beneficial if you can discuss how your experience this time around differed from the first experience you had. That is, what changed for you this time around? Why were you more confident about the speaking in public now? In hindsight, why do you think you fainted the first time at the MUN? Why were you more confident this time? The comparison will clearly show how you came to develop as a public speaker and clarifies the idea behind how you learned how to manage the situation.

Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

Alex, you can omit the last paragraph in this essay. Since you have not had an actual chance to visit the campus, it is not necessary for you to present information that comes across as hearsay because you got the information from second hand sources such a student blogs, Youtube videos, and other similar sources. That weakens the impact of the essay. Currently, the essay feels very strong because of the interest progression that you developed. It gets negated when you say that you have not had the chance to visit the campus yet. Your objective should be to make sure that you close the essay on a strong note. That can be done by skipping the last paragraph. You can either develop another closing statement or you can just end the essay with the information in the current paragraph 5. It won't hurt to close the essay at that point. It closes strong because of the reference to you being an unconventional learner who will benefit from the offerings of UPenn in both the traditional and non traditional educational offerings.

Undergraduate / An essay that shows why I am going to be a great participant for the UGRAD scholarship [4]

Ahmed, there is a difference between being an active participant and a GREAT participant in the UGRAD scholarship program. The question is not whether you will be an active participant in the program but rather, if you can manage to be a great participant based on criteria other than academic. You do realize that there are thousands of participants or applicants to this program right? All of them will have similar credentials to yours. So these activities and academic achievements are not as impressive as you make them sound. There are always going to be better qualified applicants for the program who will outshine you. That is the keyword in this instance. Outshine. How can you outshine the other applicants? What sets you apart from them? What achievement do you have that the others might not have reached? The narrations of information that you have presented doesn't really make you stand out. What else can you offer the program that might make you a great participant? Focus on something that you have achieved that would indicate a compelling reason to consider you as more than just a possibly great participant in the program.

Undergraduate / Several facts that convinced me, that Northwestern is the best choice - another why school 'X' essay [3]

Tim, there is a very common feel to this response that you developed. It lacks a sense of specificity when it comes to the methods by which Northwestern will be able to help you learn both in and out of the classroom. The fact that your opening statement is based on the presentation of a TV host and an actress, even if she is a graduate of the school, does not give your essay much strength nor sense of seriousness.If you remove that paragraph and instead, focus the discussion on the classes and internships the university has to offer, then the response will be off to a great start. I would not discuss so much of the field trips because that makes it sound like you are going to school only to take a tour. Keep the academic sound and feel of the essay throughout.

Undergraduate / Lafayette supplemental essay: I read so I can listen [4]

Khoa, I do not believe that your essay is good enough for the prompt. You read so you can listen. Fine. But what does that do for you? You explain that you learn about racial discrimination and other things, then what? There is no corresponding action on your part to change anything. You just read and became educated about a topic. End of story. The essay is asking you about your civic mindedness. The method by which you contribute to the improvement of a society is the focal point of the essay. Why do you do something ?

For example, you can say that I am a Red Cross volunteer. Why do you volunteer at the Red Cross? You volunteer at the Red Cross because you want to help the under served communities of your area of residence when there are natural calamities. This is your way of giving back and letting people who need help know that they are not forgotten and that people are willing to help them, whether they as for help or not.

Think deep, think social relevance, think of personal improvement through service to others. That is the kind of slant that will make this response an interesting and enlightened one for the reviewer. That is what will make him interested in what you have to say and make the essay memorable to him.

Undergraduate / Dual identity of Asian-American (Princeton Supplement) [10]

Kevin, the essay is too long and has a tendency to wander in the discussion of the prompt. If you would be open to writing a new essay, you can actually use this version as the basis of the content of the next version. The best way to develop this essay would be to present an opening paragraph that dictates how you see your life and its meaning. Then you can focus on how you are a satellite baby. Limit the discussion of your parents migrant background to almost zero because their background and your ideas about it are not relevant to the considerations the prompt provides. Think of how your experience of growing up straddling cultures and how these have helped to make your life complete in order to deliver the response that would better suit the prompt requirements. Explain instead how the multi cultural upbringing has given your life more meaning and created a well rounded and culturally conscious person whose life was made meaningful by the background your parents gave you.

Undergraduate / Contrary to most millennials, I was terrible with technology. [5]

Alyssa, when you speak of an extra curricular activity, it should refer to something that you do after school, where you manage to excel. You are not supposed to discuss an activity that you were not able to excel in. That is because the extra curricular activity is supposed to portray your strengths, other than academic, which can help you excel as a student or student leader once you go to college. What you have shared is not a good experience for the prompt. I hope that you have some other, more relevant extra curricular activity where you can show some talent or other form of excellence that can interest the reviewer in further learning about your through your application essays and other documents.

Undergraduate / Operation: Duke Supplementary Essay For Trinity College of Arts & Sciences! [10]

Emily, you need to be more specific about what attracted you to Duke than just general statements about classes, research opportunities and other generic information. The essay above shows your potential to discuss more relevant connections that attracted you to the university. The problem, is that you do not display a familiarity with the university curriculum, campus, professors, and other academic or intellectual opportunities because you do not mention these departments, subjects, professors, or programs specifically. You have to become more detailed in the discussion by presenting a familiarity with the university offerings. The reference to the game of Operation is irrelevant to the response required. Try to focus your response on Duke as you have come to know it, sans any future references to your study there. Respond in present time conditions instead.

Undergraduate / An incident that happened two months back. LESSONS FROM FAILURE (COMM APP) [7]

Barry, if you just focus the essay on your failure to comply with the I.D. requirements for a SAT taker, then the essay will have the "failure" theme in it. It will highlight the failure caused by your carelessness. However, you will have to adjust your ending to show that you were able to successfully take the SAT the next time around in order to create the "lesson learned from failure". You do not need to tell the reviewer the story about the company that led up to the SAT test. He is not interested to that and it is irrelevant to your failure to present the correct ID at the testing center. So if you just omit the story about the company and just say that you were scheduled to take the SAT's when you were prevented from doing so on a technicality, then the essay will have a reduced word count but a more focused response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / High School Fair - Extracurricular Activity Supplement [5]

Kelly, the first part of your essay is very relevant to the expansion of the discussion of your extra curricular activity. It is highly informative and focused on properly presenting your position and activities in relation to the cancer cause. The activity that you shared is not enough to promote the benefits that you gained from this activity. The second paragraph can be revised to highlight the various extra curricular educational lessons you gained while promoting your advocacy. Talk about how this particular organization has helped you not only develop leadership skills, but also taught you about who you are beyond being a student and mere participant in the activity. Try to reflect on the lessons you learned there which you would not have learned if you were not part of the activity. That way, you can portray a personal cultivation and development based upon your participation in the organization.

Undergraduate / "Man's greatness" Ashura--a Turkish dessert [7]

Do you see how I liked your post Mualla? That means it is a very good version when compared to the previous one and I am suggesting that you use this version of your prompt response. This incarnation of your response works very well for the prompt. It delivers on the information required and you managed to choose a very interesting topic to develop for it. I know that it is a word limited statement so I will not make any changes to the voice of the essay anymore. It is actually very clear in meaning and shows why you had to do that activity. The reason behind it is clear. So should not have any more worries regarding the response that you developed. It is ready for use. The fact that your single act of trying to change things for your family resulted in a closer neighborhood for all concerned is priceless and could leave an impact upon the reviewer that the previous version could not have done.

Undergraduate / Common App #2: Failure - I am well-versed in the poetry of orchestra [8]

The essay should be as simple as this:

When I was in middle school, I had the chance to become part of the school orchestra as the second in command of first violins. I was a pretty good violinist who had won regional awards for my playing skills. My success as an amateur violinist made me cocky and over confident. So I tried out for a slot in the all-state orchestra. Confident that my skills were worthy of state level attention. All it took was one audition piece for me to realize that I wasn't worthy of the level of attention that I sought. I did not get accepted into the orchestra. I was devastated. I was humiliated by my loss because I had already bragged about how the audition going to be a piece of cake for me. Failure did not occur to me because I was confident that my path towards the seat in the orchestra would remain unchallenged. Little did I know that this was nothing close to the reality of my playing skills.

I lost because I had made a mistake while playing during the audition. My over confidence proved to be my downfall as I lost the slot based on the 2 mistakes that I made during an almost perfect audition. I had failed myself because I believed too much in my own publicity. I refused to accept the failure. I knew I could do better. So I challenged myself to get over my failure and deliver a successful performance at a lower level than a state orchestra.

After months of pushing myself to face my failure by developing a better playing style, I was accepted into my school's symphony orchestra. Like musical variations...

All you have to do is simplify the presentation like I did above. The ellipses show where the remaining original and applicable information from your essay should be placed in the essay. Please use my sample as a template for your revision. That is the best example that you can use for better developing your essay response.

Undergraduate / Overcoming obstacles like Allan Iverson. Personal Statement - Person of influence - NBA Star [2]

Iverson does not represent anything related to your background, identity, or interest in the way that this essay requires. I think the problem is that your essay is severely focused on Iverson as your idol instead of how he inspired you to do some pretty impressive things in your life ever since you came to idolize him. Normally, this essay is best used to represent a particular discussion that the other common app prompts do not allow for. In this case, you have just chosen the wrong topic to discuss. This essay that you wrote is more geared towards the "person who influenced you the most" prompt. In my opinion, you cannot use this essay with this prompt. Review the prompt requirements again and decide what it is about your personal background, interest, talent, or skill that you feel will best introduce your personal side to the reviewer. Opt to discuss something that is not related to your major or the other prompt requirements. Pick something that best represents your character development on paper.

Undergraduate / Personal statement: Lessons learnt from baking [5]

Like I said, some adjustments can be made to the content of the essay to make it more usable. Refer to my comments in post # 3. That should help you revise the essay without having to change too much of the content. The conclusion is fine. Don't worry about it. The essay just needs to lose a few paragraphs and adjust some content in order to serve the purpose of the essay. Yes, it was a bit all over the place at the start. However, my suggestions for the revision will help to make it more focused and on target in terms of the essay prompt. A little more work has to be done in the conclusion. Focus more on clarifying the point that you are the recipe in progress and that you are still trying to find the perfect recipe that will best help you achieve success.

Undergraduate / Common App #2: Failure - I am well-versed in the poetry of orchestra [8]

Neither version is better. Both are too wordy and do not respond to the prompt directly enough for the reviewer to remain interested in what you have to say. Change the topic. Don't use the orchestra. Pick a simpler topic that everyone can understand. Your response should not be technical based as that requires a specific type of training to help one understand what you have to say. In this case, you are beating around the bush too much and not really saying anything that the reviewer can take as a response to the prompt. Don't make him analyze your essay for a response. Try to present your story within 5 paragraphs. Not in a mini novel like you have written here. This essay doesn't work for the purpose it was developed. It would be best if you wrote a new one that has a different failure and success lesson focus. That new essay might work better for the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Commitment and responsibility. Leadership Essay - Leadership skill I posses [4]

Dina, the best way to start off your essay discussion is by revealing to the reviewer what your idea, understanding, or concept of leadership is. Then connect that to a discussion about how commitment is a leadership skill that has to be valued by all people because a leader who does not possess the skill of commitment is not an effective leader. After that, you can launch into the narrative about your leadership time when your resolve to the commitment of your duties was tested.

The essay that you wrote became weak because you did not try to create a definition portion based upon personal experience first for leadership and commitment, if you work on presenting that section before you move on to the narrative regarding the event that you led, then the essay might work better. By the way, don't spend too much time on explaining how you never saw yourself as a leader and other things. Just present your leadership activity, without doubt or exaggeration. Be factual, deliver the necessary points and the essay will be better for it.

Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplement: Rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence [6]

Close but not quite. It was not necessary to combine the first two paragraphs. However, since you did that, we can make it work better by adding a simple sentence in the middle of it all. The sentence could go something like this:

While there has long been a debate about ... I am of the opinion that... mainly because I see the universe as a book...

By creating the ownership of an opinion, you create a more personal insight into the essay based upon your understanding of the quote or your belief in something other than the belief espoused by Professor Jagannathan. It will help to make the essay take on your character or personality, or your scientific ideology or belief.

Undergraduate / This is what I love in Cornell University. Undergraduate CALS motivation essay [2]

Tim, I am a bit confused about the essay that you have written. If you are already attending Cornell then there is no need for you to be writing this essay. I know that you are aiming for a future projection type of essay but this is not the way to do it. Mainly because you have not spent any actual time as a Cornell student and therefore, you are not qualified to be making the claims that you made in this essay. It would be best if you did not approach the essay from this current stand point. Use a future looking voice. That means you should speak with a tone of expectation and excitement. Not one of a student already enjoying the university. In this current version of your essay, when you start talking about your father, it becomes a prompt deviation instead of a part of the prompt discussion. That is because the essay already depicts you as currently attending the university. In which case, the story about your father becomes out of place. It is my opinion that you should review the essay and change the discussion tone and point of view to be more prompt adherent.

Undergraduate / My Extracurricular Activity Essay for Colleges. EYP - European Youth Parliament [7]

Considering that Ivy league schools are interested in diversifying their student community, I would definitely use this essay for applying to their campuses. One of the criteria that they look for, which can be beneficial to you is your ability to be able to get along with people from all corners of the world. Having an understanding of other cultures is also a big plus because that means you can add to the student experience of the university.

As for additional explanations about EYP in the supplemental essay, if you feel that this essay needs the kind of help that an extended explanation in the supplement can bring, then by all means, do it. Explain and develop your participation in EYP further. However, towards the end of the supplemental essay, it may be wise for you to try and connect it somehow with your chosen major. I guess I would have to read the supplemental essay to be able to decide on that point. Remember, the supplemental essay cannot be attached to this thread. You will have to start a new discussion thread for that essay. I'll be monitoring for it and will respond to the new thread that you will be starting as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / Street style fashion in NY. Why New York University? Maximum:400 words. [3]

Jiang, focus your response on the academic aspect of the university. Omit the references to your city expectations, dreams, and interests. That is the go-to response for all the applicants. It would be best if you steer clear of that representation in your essay. It has a pretty strong reference to the academic capacity of NYU to keep you interested in your education. It also has a strong sense of how the university can create a world class person educated in the international campuses. So those are the strong points of your essay that are weakened by the reference to the city, as well as your dreams and aspirations that are more city than university based. If you can reverse that discussion to make it more centered on the academic side, then the essay should be ready for a final edit soon.

Writing Feedback / Commitment and responsibility. Leadership Essay - Leadership skill I posses [4]

Dina, kindly provide the complete prompt requirement in your next thread. I need the information so that I can better analyze the content of your essay. At the moment, the response you have written seems to lack focus and a central theme. So I am interested in learning what the prompt requirements are. Once I know what you need to to, I think I will be able to tell you which parts of your essay work or don't work and which parts to keep or delete. The essay has potential, it just needs to be polished in the manner that the prompt requirement provides. We might need to change the way that you discuss your leadership skill to become more of a ideology presentation first, then example based discussion second. I'm not sure of which direction to lead you in at this point. I really need the prompt requirement to be able to do that.

Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplement: Rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence [6]

Mualla, it sounds to me like you are writing an opinion essay here. In which case, the opening statement should clearly represent the point of view that you are taking regarding the quote provided. Sharing your opinion in the opening statement will actually help to create a smoother transition to the next paragraph. Right now, it seems like the first paragraph isn't really finished because you did not present your opinion of the quote. So when you suddenly jump to the next paragraph, there is a little shock on the part of the reviewer because of lacking or missing information in the previous paragraph. Overall though, the essay is pretty solid and clearly shows your ability to handle a scientific discussion, or debate, whatever you prefer to call it, in an insightful manner. This quality of discussion will certainly make the essay interesting to read and probably create a memory for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [11]

I was thinking that you could just change the term mistake with "problem" and solve the issue. The closing statement that you have related still applies with a simple word change. However, if you wish to change the closing paragraph, then go ahead and do so. Don't be afraid to play around with the essay until you get it to the point where you feel finally satisfied with your work. My opinion is that the word change should be sufficient enough. However, if you have some ideas as to how to improve your essay, I am going to be here to make sure that you get the guidance that you need in finalizing the content. Either way, it is important that the essay reflect the message that you want to deliver to the reviewer. We won't rest until you get the essay that you want.

Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [11]

Definitely go for prompt number 4. That way you get to use the whole essay without the need to revise it. If you want to make any changes to it, then I would like you to consider removing the experience of your father in a similar situation. I don't think it is necessary because you really developed a unique way of solving the problem you were faced with. If you want to add information, then add some comments about how the concert producer was unprepared for a blackout and had no idea what to do when the crowd became restless. That way, you seem very heroic, smart, and quick witted when you talk about how you divided the crowd for an impromptu performance. Those changes could probably make the essay even better because the full focus of the discussion is around you and your abilities.

Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplement: Rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence [6]

Mualla, I would not open a discussion about a quote with another quote. It seems like a cop out. It delivers the idea that you are not sure about how to discuss the quotation so you are using a related quote to respond instead. I think that the essay would be better presented if you discuss your understanding of the prompt, present your point of view first, discuss it thoroughly and then, maybe in the middle of the discussion or towards the end, you can present the Edison quote and give an opinion of how it relates to the original discussion. That would bring your ideas full circle and close the essay on a very interesting note. These types of essays require self pondering and analysis more than a response that is specific or based on other quotes. Your essay has the ability to do that. However, since the quote from Edison is nice, I would like to find a way to keep it in there.

Research Papers / Small firms, R&D, technology and innovation [5]

Virak, I would like you to consider the content of your abstract. As I read it, I found myself getting more confused as I moved down the paragraph. I think you need to reconsider your abstract and review it. It needs to be clarified for content. The point of the abstract got lost somewhere in the translation of things. Maybe you can try to develop a new one and post just the revised abstract here? It is really difficult to understand what you are trying to discuss in it. Maybe it is because of the transliteration of the paragraph from your mother tongue? Somehow, the abstract seems to suddenly end, without a proper concluding sentence. Maybe I just don't understand the report but, I feel like a lot can be said about clarifying the purpose of your literature review and what the final outcome of the review should be.

Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [11]

Tim, I do not believe that this story is the proper response to the prompt. This type of scenario is best applicable to either prompt 1 or 4. Prompt 1 indicates:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

While prompt 4 dictates:

Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma - anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.

There is no real failure to speak of in your essay was beyond your control. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent a blackout. Therefore, the failure was not on your part but it was a failure on the part of the concert producer. He is the one who did not prepare for such an event. That is why the failure us his and not yours. That said, and using the aforementioned prompts as evidence of the non-relevance of your response to the prompt, I would like to suggest that you develop a totally new, more applicable prompt response instead.

The correct response should indicate failure on your part in an activity where you lost control of a situation and failed to respond or make adjustments to the scenario that unfolded. Which resulted in the failure happening. That is where there is a lesson to be learned on your part. In this case, there is no lesson learned based upon the mistakes of your actions. So it doesn't work in line with the prompt requirements.

Graduate / MY CAREER PROGRESSION. Statement of Purpose for MSc in UoM [6]

Serik, rather than the generalized discussion of your studies, you have to present your final average mark for the subjects that directly related to your chosen major. That is a clear instruction in the prompt. So while the presentation of your total final GPA is good, it still needs to be supported by the presentation of your grades for your major subjects. I guess you can limit that to the major subjects that you took in your final year of college. Or, you can place a few subject grades in the paragraph and then refer the reviewer to your attached transcript of records instead.

Aside from that particular paragraph, the rest of the essay is sound and responds directly, accurately, and completely to the remaining 2 prompt requirements. Once you apply to corrections to the first paragraph, the essay should be ready for use. Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / Math is a language and I use it to express my thoughts. Supplement essay [6]

Mualla, the essay is more academic in nature so the last paragraph need not be there. That paragraph speaks of an extra curricular interest that is not required information for this essay. While it does still tie in with Cornell, it doesn't represent an intellectual interest that you can pursue at the university. So end the essay with a simple 3 sentence conclusion if you can in place of the current last paragraph. The overall essay can be used to respond to the prompt once the changes I suggested have been made. It is a great improvement over the past versions and really works well towards addressing the prompt. It ties your major with your intellectual interests and therefore, solidly presents the intellectual pursuits you will have at the university.

Undergraduate / Language and Culture. Check my personal statement for UGRAD. [2]

Andi, your essay focuses on only one aspect of your interest for application as a UGRAD student. The sole focus on learning English on your part does not deliver much in terms of context in your desire to become a UGRAD participant. It would be best if you can portray yourself as a well rounded person who is interested in learning about diverse cultures, traditions, and the development of a global society through the UGRAD program. Keep in mind that you will be thrown in among global participants and the reviewer will wonder what else you have to offer the program aside from a desire to learn about English and its application in your own life. The essay should portray a give and take among cultures and academic backgrounds. What do you have to share with UGRAD participants? Don't focus on what you can get from UGRAD alone. Show yourself as a global participant who can improve the program because of your global interests that are represented within the UGRAD objectives. The objectives of UGRAD can be found online. Revise the essay to accommodate those specific requirements.

Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

Andy, I hope you are not angry at me for the use of the term "language limitation". I am going to limit my participation in this thread because I fear having offended you previously. I realize we have a communication gap going here and I will not do anything to further add to your feeling insulted, disappointed, dislike for my advice. I hope others here can advice you as well.

Like I said, the problem with your essay comes from the way that you presented the situation. You were unable to present a clear scenario that would explain why the teacher would storm out of the classroom and take you the "principal's office" so to speak. While it was not a negative event in the essay, a clearer set up of the scenario would have resulted in a better understanding of how the events unfolded in relation to the prompt. Please refer to posting #2 where I explained the lack of development in your essay. The succeeding exchanges that we had from that point in is where my use of the term "language limitation" stemmed from. Specifically refer to your response in #5. That is where I came to the assumption that you have an English language limitation. Again, my apologies for having insulted you.

Undergraduate / MATHEMATICAL OLYMPIAD - Princeton: Baymax influenced me [10]

Since this is a word limited essay, it is always best to go direct to the point in terms of discussion whenever possible. That is because the essay needs to grab the reviewers attention and allow him to learn about what you have to explain in a speedy manner. It would be best to totally eliminate the essay because that is actually the weakest paragraph in the overall presentation. A transition sentence is not necessary because, from the way I see it, the second paragraph actually introduces the Ted Talks aspect in a vivid manner. Through the interest of Baymax in Ted Talks, your second paragraph about how the man started a project directly ties in with his advocacy represented in the Ted Talk video. If it were up to me, I would remove the paragraph. Of course, if you want to keep it and just modify it in some way, then you can work on doing that as well.

Undergraduate / "Man's greatness" Ashura--a Turkish dessert [7]

You can probably try to create some sort of conflict within the community that can work with this essay. For example, a situation between your family and your neighbors that caused the two families not to get along. As the conflict progressed, you decided to step in before it got out of hand. That is where the Ashura sharing comes in. Or you could use a point of say, not being wholly welcomed in your community and you used the food to help the neighbors to get to know you and your family better. Kind of like using the food as a bridge between two cultures and a uniting factor that helped you to create a bond with the community. That way you can also highlight how the community came together much more after that because the others also decided to introduce their cultures by sharing their native food as well.

Undergraduate / NYU's personality--multi-cultural, logistician, and open-minded [7]

No problem Mualla, I am starting to understand that there are times when I say things that don't come across clearly to others. I am just glad that you are giving me an opportunity to explain further. I am not really instructing you to do anything too complicated or difficult. It just requires some review of your previous work on the essays for this university.

When you read the essays that you wrote for NYU, is there any essay in particular that you feel like you could explain yourself better? A point where you would like to add some information because you believe that the previous essay would be stronger or help your application better if you had a chance to increase the information about that topic? If you have a sense of that for any of those essays for NYU, then use the supplemental essay portion, since it does not tell you to discuss anything in particular, to strengthen the previous essay. You can say something like, "In relation to the discussion about common app prompt #... I would like to take this opportunity to explain myself further."

By doing this, you will be able to present your application in the strongest light possible and also, allow you to better convey your personality, character traits, beliefs in life, or advocacy to the reviewer in a manner that will tell him that you are an exemplary person in real life and should be given a chance to attend the university. Convey the idea that these are the reasons why you would make for a perfect candidate for the program. Say, I think you have a prompt that runs along those lines right? Maybe you can enhance that essay with the supplement?