Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

Serik, most of the information that you have placed in this letter is actually meant for your statement of purpose essay. That is the essay that you submit to the university for the consideration of your masters degree application. Since this is an application for a scholarship, the committee is actually looking for some other information from you that you should be presenting instead of the narrative that you now have.

In place of the purpose, you should be discussing your motivation for wishing to apply to masters degree school. Talk more about the problems that your country is actually facing, or a specific problem that you wish to address by attending masters degree school. Talk about, to a lesser degree, the college preparation and training that you have which might guarantee that you will be able to successfully complete the masters program. Give an example of the kind of solution that you think can be applied to the problem in order to defend your motivation for applying. Connect your solution with your current training and work experience. Then indicate that making that solution a reality is the motivation for your desire to pursue higher studies. Make this short but informative.

Your essay is really running very long at this moment and needs to be reviewed for content. The reviewer will consider all of the documents that you will be submitting with the application anyway so you don't have to be overly informative in this letter. Over views or summaries of the information will be sufficient enough. Just to let the reviewer know to keep an eye out for more details of that particular aspect within the rest of your application requirements submitted.

Basically, you should keep this cover letter between 3-5 paragraphs. Six paragraphs is just way too long. Review the essay again and try to find the parts that you can either delete or shorten the content of so that the letter will serve its actual purpose of simply introducing you to the reviewer in an overview format.

Towards the end of the essay, explain how the scholarship can help you achieve your plans by helping you offset your academic fees for the next year. Explain the relevance of the scholarship to the problem you are trying to solve, if such a relationship exists. The motivation for your desire to win this scholarship has to also reflect the fact that you are willing to work with the scholarship in the future, should they decide to award you this financial aid you are seeking.

Undergraduate / I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life easier [9]

Aswin, you should be telling this story as a flashback to a time in your life when your keen interest in computer hardware and software development was developed because of an educational need. Start the essay with an acknowledgement of your keen interest in these two related concepts. Then explain that you never thought that you would get to this point in your college career because your life experience with computers started out very difficult and almost impossible to attain. That way, the story that you will tell has a strong motivation for your current interest and shows that as a child, you learned the meaning of "necessity is the mother of invention" so to speak. You did what you could without a computer and succeeded even then, in pursuing your interests without getting caught in the lie that you told. That makes your background story poignant and admirable. It creates a point of interest for the reviewer that isn't just quite there in this version. Try to revise the start of the essay. It might help to create the discussion point that will entice the reviewer to give your application a shot.

Undergraduate / Why Rice_This was when I first learnt about Rice, as I watched the YouTube video of Joe Wong [6]

Martin, if you really want to include Houston in the essay then you will have to do some research regarding the programs that the university offers which will offer you a chance to work as an intern or part time employee at businesses that relate to your chosen major. The only way to include Houston in the essay is by relating it to your studies at Rice. Try to find ways and means to gain training opportunities outside the university but still, under the supervision of the university since it will be a sanctioned or recommended learning experience. That way you will show the reviewer that you are aware of the academic opportunities offered by Rice in relation to the community surrounding it. I will reiterate that it is important for you to find the training programs through the university so that you will not deviate too much from the "Why Rice?" question provided.

Writing Feedback / We have to depend on technology which makes our life easier, but we need to use it in a proper way. [5]

Jone, your overall score for this essay could be a 5 in terms of task accuracy. That is because the essay prompt clearly asked you to pick either a negative or a positive side to discuss in the essay. Instead, you opted to discuss both sides which meant that you did not really understand how you were being asked to choose just one topic to discuss. Next, your paraphrased prompt was not as close to the original prompt in explanation as it could have been. It is also too short as it is less than 3 sentences in presentation. All of these factors combined to lower your task accuracy to a 5.

Cohesiveness and coherence shows your potential to improve in scoring. Your presentation could score between a 5 and a depending upon the other considerations that the examiner will have in considering your discussion presentation. Lexical Resource, could also range within a 5 or 6 because did try to use some uncommon words and the mistakes that you had in using the words did not really make it difficult to understand what you had to say. Grammar accuracy and range would also be scored a 6 at the most because your essay was not difficult to comprehend even as you tried to display your simple and complex grammar skills.

Overall, I believe that your bandwidth score would be a 6. Next time, make sure to address the task as indicated in the prompt. Try to learn how to identify when you should discuss one or two sides in an essay. That will help to increase your task accuracy score and your overall bandwidth results.

Scholarship / How best to present Home country benefit essay for Commonwealth Shared scholarships. [2]

Albert, Please expand on the content of your essay in reference to your post study plans upon your return to Malawi. In this essay, you speak of wishing to deal with water and and environmental management. However, you speak of it as a potential future career for yourself. What you have to do is speak of these as actual plans that you hope to enact once you get back to Malawi.

Explain how you plan to execute these plans, if you require the help of the government or other institutions in order to enact it, and how you hope these plans will help to improve the lives of those in Malawi. Keep in mind that it would be best if you could file reports regarding the progress of your plans or, if you can take pictures to show it to the scholarship committee after you graduate. That is how you can allow the scholarship to measure the success and benefits of your project.

Undergraduate / My unusual family experience. Something fundamental to comprehend me. [3]

Jessica, I know that the way that you told the story is quite negative. I know it is the truth and yet, I would prefer that you somehow placed a positive spin on this story so that the reviewer will not see an unwanted child but rather, a child who was raised to be strong, have self-confidence, and the ability to look out for herself just because your parents felt it would make you a better person. I would spin this essay in the following manner:

As a child of 6 growing up in a career centered family, my parents did not feel it necessary to treat me with kid gloves. They did not have the time to raise a child in the same spoiled manner as my peers. Don't get me wrong, my parents loved me in the best way that they knew how, they just had a different mindset about what abilities a child had. In their opinion, a child is just as good as an adult if given the room to grow that way.

That is why every time we went out, I always struggled to keep up with their walking pace. Time was precious to them and walking fast was a way of accomplishing things faster. This is a trait that I picked up from them and has helped me pursue more things in life because I have more time to do things in a day. Each time I hurt myself, provided I was not bleeding or in need of emergency room care, I would be told to shake it off and get on with whatever I was doing. My parents words each time I would fall while learning a sport or a new activity was, "You are not bleeding. There are no broken bones. You are not dying. Why are you crying?" showed me that in life, provided we are not being held back by actual physical injuries, nothing should prevent me from accomplishing anything that I have set my mind to.

I grew up with seemingly indifferent parents. Other kids would take the way they were raised against their parents because they were not cuddled and pampered. I am thankful to my parents for not treating me that way. I grew up self reliant and able to pursue my dreams and ambitions. All because my parents trained me to be the best of who I can be, by allowing me to fail, then have to pick myself up. Just like they have to do in their daily lives. That is what most people have to understand about me. When I tell my stories, they see an unwanted child. I see, a child who grew up to be the best she can be because her parents knew she could do it.

This is an example of how you can take a negative and present it as a positive. Always analyze the situation before you write about it. Try to find the good in the bad and the light in the dark. That is what I did here. Use it as an example of your next version or use this version if you wish. I look forward to your next step with regards to this prompt.

Undergraduate / Boston College Supplemental Essay- Physics is a part of me! [9]

Nicholas, first and foremost, your essay is besieged by an age problem. As much as possible, you should not make reference to age in any essay, specially when speaking of an experience that happened long before the age of consciousness and understanding (13 and above). Next, the situation that you are presenting is more applicable to a personal statement rather than a personal best essay.

For this essay, you must think of a scenario where you found yourself needing to solve a solution in a creative manner. Think of say, getting a flat tire on the road without access to a towing service. When you checked the equipment for changing tires, you found out that the angle wrench was not among the tools. But there was, a monkey wrench in the tool box so you used the wrench to take the nuts off the tire so you could replace it.

That is an example of a creative presentation of a situation where you responded effectively and showed a creative best in your personality. There is nothing like that reflected in your current essay so you cannot use this essay for this prompt. I have given you an example of a scenario that applies to the prompt. All you have to do now is find your own scenario to write about.

Undergraduate / Why Rice_This was when I first learnt about Rice, as I watched the YouTube video of Joe Wong [6]

Much better Martin. However, the second paragraph has such a generalized description that you can apply it to any university in the United States. My suggestion, is to make your response a simple, straightforward 2 paragraph essay. Use only the first and third paragraphs of this essay to create your response. It is strong, diverse, and shows an academic and social connection without repeating information from your other essay responses. By the way, please change the all caps "ALL" to the proper capital and lower case writing. Don't shout at the reviewer by using all caps. In my opinion editing the essay in this manner makes it ready for submission, unless you have some other or additional concerns you wish to address before finalizing the essay?

Undergraduate / Math is a language and I use it to express my thoughts. Supplement essay [6]

Mualla, look into balancing the discussion in your essay. You have spent at least 80 % of the essay discussing your love for math, then 10 % discussing computer science, and another 10 % explaining why Cornell can help you better pursue your interests. You don't need to discuss your experience with the Rubik's Cube in this essay. That happened so long ago that its relevance to your current interests are no longer applicable. Your current discussion about your math interest is already acceptable without it. What is not acceptable, is the fact that computer science is such a minor discussion in this essay.

While I accept the fact that computer science will only be your minor, that does not mean that your discussion regarding this intellectual interest should be that minor as well. Consider that Math and Computer Science are practically synonymous in discussions and applications, it would be in your best interest to further develop the reasons behind your computer science intellectual interest in relation to Maths.

By discussing the two interests in a connected manner, your reason for opting to enroll at Cornell becomes almost obvious, if not a given for someone pursuing a line of study in such a complicated field. The rest of the essay about how Cornell can help you is good as it is. Now, focus on improving the intellectual interest aspect for a far greater effect on what has the potential to be a great essay.

Undergraduate / Taking Down the School Website - Caltech Supplemental Essay - Ethics and Honor System [6]

Kat, it is important that you show the reviewer that you have integrity and honor in this essay. While it is good that you opted not to cheat on your test. The fact that you did not say anything about it to the authorities of the school shows that your integrity is not that strong. Doing only partially right is not the same as doing the right thing. The right thing to have done here was not not cheat and inform on your classmates. I know, that sounds extreme. That is the kind of school that Caltech is. Remember their motto is; 'No member shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community.'

In this instance, while you did right not to cheat, you allowed the cheaters to take unfair advantage of others. Granted that the test questions were changed. What if the questions were not changed? What then? Those with the cheat sheet would have managed to take unfair advantage of the others. What we need here is a story wherein you did the right thing morally. The key focus should be on the prevention of unfair advantage over others. Do you think you can revise this essay or maybe have another story to tell more along those lines?

Undergraduate / Essay about New Years Resolution- three main goals for the near future [4]

Zoe, in the first paragraph, instead of citing the figures of people who tried but failed to complete their New Year's resolutions, why don't you instead discuss the importance of completing your new year's resolution instead? That way your teacher will understand why you are making these promises to yourself and why it is important for you to accomplish these resolutions.

I would change the resolution about saving up for your own PS4. That is a selfish wish and doesn't really have a potentially good influence, outcome, or benefit to you or for those around you. Bear in mind that New Year's resolutions are always made with the conviction that these changes will help you to become a better person or at least, bring joy to others. So, your resolution about wanting to create web page is exactly the kind of resolution that this essay should contain. Therefore, the last 2 resolutions you have listed are good additions to the essay. What we need to have you work on developing further and better, will be the first 2 paragraphs so that those will be aligned better towards portraying better reasons for a New Year's resolution.

Undergraduate / 'helping hand at the end of your arm' My Common Application Essay for the Ivy League Colleges [5]

Saad, for starters, you cannot start sentences with the word "And". The word "And" is a conjunction which usually signifies a connecting word. While there is not hard set grammar rule that says you cannot and should not start sentences with connecting words, it has become a matter of writing style and tradition that prevents us from starting sentences with conjunctions. It just makes the sentence sound like it is starting from the middle instead of an actual beginning.

Content-wise, your essay lacks only one important factor in order to be considered prompt adherent. We need to read about how your parents reacted to your becoming fiscally responsible for your education. Was this something that was met with apprehension? Or were they supportive all the way? Since this is an event that marked your transition to adulthood, the reviewer needs to get a better idea regarding how you were accepted by your parents as an equal in terms of earning capacity and taking control of a portion of your life. That is the best way to show that your transition to adulthood was well received by your parents.

I would not worry about the grammatical errors. Keep the essay written that way. This essay serves as your preliminary interview. So the reviewer should know that your English is not as perfect as it can be. That is because your actual interview might soon follow so your English speaking abilities need to reflect your written abilities. Aside from these observations, I believe that your essay is well developed, written, and should be highly beneficial to your college application.

Writing Feedback / Factories not stadiums, is what we need. Do you agree? Argumentative essay [2]

Azeddine, Somehow I don't feel like you posted the complete prompt along with the essay. The reason that i say that is because your paraphrased presentation of the topic is extremely short. Therefore, it does not accurately deliver the pertinent information necessary to consider your paraphrasing complete. It should be at least 3 sentences long to be considered even remotely a complete restatement of the prompt. You only have one sentence. The problem with that statement is obvious.

Watch your punctuation. Do not use etc. and ellipses in formal and academic writing. That is a violation of writing etiquette and shows a lack of professionalism on your part. If you must, mention 3 related points and then end the sentence. Never use "etc." Another thing, what is with that rogue parent in the second paragraph? You did not bother to proof read this before you submitted it did you? You have to make proof reading and editing second nature to you when writing these essays. Specially when your passing a test relies on it as in this case.

Your argument regarding the lack of need for stadiums could have been better presented if you had bothered to develop the paragraph that supported that stance in a separate paragraph. By including it in the discussion of the warehouses, you did not really give the reader a chance to get to know the other side of the argument. Thus creating a lopsided discussion that was more slanted towards your chosen position. This does not allow the reader an educated opportunity to decide which side he would like to support.

Basically, the essay could have been better developed and presented. I have offered you some comments that you should keep in mind as you develop your writing skills with your upcoming essays. I hope to continue to see improvement in your written work as the days go on.

Undergraduate / Discovering new secrets of NATURE AND WILDLIFE. Statement of Purpose - New York University [2]

Aman, the first question that your statement of purpose should answer is "Why Biology?" Since you are writing this statement of purpose for undergraduate studies, your line of discussion development will be altered a bit from that of a masters degree student. I hope that you will take note of the guidelines that I will be providing you in order to shorten your essay. We need to make it short but relevant for your application.

Let's start with the first paragraph. In this section, you should open with the idea behind your desire to study biology. This is the one time that showing how your interest in biology started from childhood will actually help your application. Show the reviewer how you first came in contact with Biology and what fascinated you about it.

In the second paragraph, indicate what your plans are for your future that tie in with Biology. Do you plan on taking the career a step higher and take the MSAT so that you can become a doctor in the future? Or perhaps you wish to work in a laboratory as a biologist? What would your concentration be as a scientist with a degree in Biology? This is the purpose part of your statement so you have to be very clear about it.

In the third paragraph, you should present any research that you did as a high school student. I can see that you have some research to present, but these relate more to chemistry and psychology. While these are alright to present to the reviewer, it would be better for your paper if you actually have a project study related to Biology to present.

The fourth paragraph should show off your academic accomplishments, but without the reference to being the Head Boy. This particular discussion deviates from the prompt topic and as such, is unnecessary to present. Focus only on Biology because that is the major that you hope to be accepted in by the university.

The final paragraph, should explain why you have chosen NYU as your first option for your studies in Biology. Explain what it is about a NYU education that you will not experience, academically, at any other U.S. university. Reiterate your desire to enter the university during the upcoming term and repeat the information that you plan to take these information to your home country upon graduation.

Undergraduate / Explain a social issue with solution, tell what you need to learn to contribute towards its solution [2]

Darshan, don't focus on the unsolvable by taking on a world wide notion of eradicating poverty. Since you will be a foreign student in the USA, what you need to do is focus more on a problem in India that you will work towards solving by receiving your education abroad. Now, this foreign university based education should be able to help you learn some pretty specific information that can help you contribute to a solution once you return to your home country.

Since Lehigh is considered to be one of the best Economics schools in the country, focus on the economics of India and what classes at Lehigh can help you learn about how to solve the problem. Look into the course curriculum for this one. Talk about the classes you hope to take that can help you develop a program that can help to at least ease the burden of a poor economy in the country. Think about other methods by which the problem can be solved in your country based upon the classes that you will be taking or the work of the professors that will be teaching these classes. No, writing about it will not be enough. You need to develop a real probable solution to the problem.

The reason that you need to develop a concrete problem and solution to it is that your possible solution, if implemented, will help you leave a long lasting impact, not only on India, but on the world in general. What can be considered a small platform for the launch of solutions to the local problem of economics could, in the future, explode into a world-wide applicable solution with some modifications. So start your thinking with a small problem, but then expand it to a probable world wide application as the method of you leaving your mark on the world.

Undergraduate / What do you and LeHigh have in common? [2]

Darshan, there are no real commonalities for you to speak of in this essay. In fact, the information that you are sharing as a "commonality" sounds more like you just took it from the website of Lehigh. Your claims of having commonalities based upon the vibrant life on campus and in the classroom can only be made if you actually did a campus visit and experienced these for yourself. Did you accomplish a campus visit? If so, then you should declare that in your essay and give the statement a more personal , based upon actual experience tone. Otherwise, don't mention it. It really sounds like it just came off the student brochure and will not help your essay.

Commonalities between you and the university have to be based upon common values, objectives, a common mission, or common ideology. Have you tried looking at the university website for information about these? One of the notable aspects of the university is its promotion of "intellectual and moral improvement" among its students. Do you have that in common with the university? Or perhaps you also believe that practical skills need to be combined with informed judgements and strong moral self-discipline? These are some of the founding beliefs of the university that created their mission, vision, and objectives for their students and educational tasks. The motto of the university is " Man, the servant and interpreter of nature". Is there any way that you could also have that in common with the university as a belief? It is a liberal arts school. So what do you understand about how Liberal Arts are taught at Leigh? Any chance that is a commonality as well?

I believe that I have given you enough clues as to how you can best angle this essay to represent the best commonalities between you and the university. I hope that these will be able to help you better develop a more relevant response to the essay. I look forward to reading your revised statement.

Writing Feedback / TOPIC OF AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE I AM WRITING ON: THE CAREER WOMAN [5]

Go ahead and use my suggested title and topic if you wish to Chizaram. I am glad that I was able to be of help to you. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or if you are uncertain about something. I will be here to assist you in whatever capacity I can. I would be honored if you would use the title I gave you. Here is another suggestion if you don't mind. Try to find the top 3 feminists in Nigeria and make sure to work them into your report. That way you can show that feminism in on the rise and is very much active in the Nigerian career scene. It is pivotal that you also show a short history of women's rights and their treatment in your country throughout the ages. If there is a particular date that is relevant to the women's rights movement there, make sure to include it in your report. Remember, the history of the feminist movement is just as important as discussing is current status in Nigeria. History will be the basis of your modern outlook in this case. Good luck with your article. I look forward to reading it.

Writing Feedback / TOPIC OF AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE I AM WRITING ON: THE CAREER WOMAN [5]

Chizaram, your title is as stale as day old bread. There is nothing unique about it that makes it pop off the page or encourages anybody, specifically the females, to pick up their table to read your article. You need to come up with a stronger title for your article. One that clearly represents the thesis statement of your essay and encourages the women to learn from it. Here is a trick that I learned while I was enrolled in creative writing class. The title of the story, or in this case, the article, can be developed last. That is because you should focus on creating the content first. The title, comes after you have completed your writing. That is because there is a tendency for the title to be developed during the writing process.

So if I were you, I would first, clarify the topic for discussion, because right now, the essay has a very broad coverage and doesn't really have a clear focus that the reader can be interested in, then, I would review my article and try to come up with a snazzy title based upon some of the information that pops at me while I read it. Right now, the article doesn't have any new information to present to the readers. There is nothing you have mentioned that have not been mentioned in other articles before. If I were you, I would focus the article on "Feminism in Nigeria: The Rise of the Career Woman" instead. That way the article can focus on information that other women may not know about but would actually want to learn about.

The article can talk about feminism as an ideology in your country, how women are taking to representing that in the workplace, and present some female role models in your country and how they have overcome obstacles to become a successful career woman there. That is the kind of article that would stand out and make the readers willing to read about it.

Undergraduate / College Supplemental Writing: 'What is your dream ?' (250 words) [5]

It is alright to keep the unused space exactly that, unused. You don't need to submit a full 250 words to the reviewer. That is just the maximum word count for your essay. That is not your target word count. If you review your essay and you feel that the content and message are on point with what you wish to convey to the reviewer, then the essay is all set for submission. Did you remember to change the opening sentence of your second paragraph the way that I suggested that you do? I believe that the change will help to further enhance your discussion and align the essay more with the prompt.

By the way, don't underestimate the reviewer who will be reading your essay. Most of these reviewers have a background in the major of the person whose application they are reading. Don't make the mistake of thinking that the reviewer is under capable of understanding your work. There is a reason he is a reviewer, he understands your background, and can create a proper conclusion regarding the validity of your application based upon your essay and your submitted documents. So don't be afraid to use terminologies.

If you can prove that you have the proper background to support your application through the use of those terms, then go ahead and do so. Don't just immediately assume that the reviewer is lazy, dumb, uninformed or, he won't understand what you have to say. There is a reason he is the one considering your application and you are a mere applicant hoping to get into his university.

Undergraduate / This is my dream. It will become my reality soon. [4]

Your response to "What is your dream?" is much better when compared to your previous essay. The only problem that I can see with this essay is that you presented a clear dream, that of curing cancer, along with an abstract dream, that of solving problems. You need to find a specific topic to discuss in this essay. The most logical sounding discussion lies in you dreaming of curing cancer. That is, provided you are a biology or pre-med major. If you are not enrolled in a course leading to a career in medicine, then maybe that is not the approach for you to take.

If you opt to solve a problem, you cannot be as general in take as you present in your second paragraph. Create an essay that fully discusses a problem, related to your major, that you wish to resolve. That should become your dream. Then talk about how you imagine yourself solving this problem in the future. It does not need to be an achievable dream. It can be hyperbole at this point. All that matters, is that you efficiently present a dream regarding a problem that you can resolve and how you hope to achieve a solution to it.

Essays / Cannery Row Question? How do people recreate the barest of spaces to mark individuality? Why? [3]

Sqscr, I think that there are a number of topics that you can discuss based on the different living spaces presented in the book. One of the things that you could analyze would be the way that college dorm mates lives. Consider, there are 2 people to every room that has a limited amount of living space for each person. Yet somehow, the students manage to create their own "living space" within the room. Showcasing their own identity and highlighting their individuality even as they share friendships and living space with a person who seems so highly different from him / her.

This kind of discussion can properly showcase the "owners personality" in what most people would either consider an open or private living space. Open because it is shared between two people and private, because each person has his own space within the area where he can do his own thing. I wonder if you can use this premise to create a full thesis for your school work?

Undergraduate / Taking Down the School Website - Caltech Supplemental Essay - Ethics and Honor System [6]

Kat, never ever tell a reviewer that taking down a school website was worth it. In fact, you are risking a lot by admitting to having hacked into and taken down your school website at this point in your application. Being known as a hacker to the reviewer could either work for, or against you. In this case, you essay sounds a lot like you are bragging about what happened even though you tried to sound bothered (a very little bit). Ethics and honor is something that Caltech takes very seriously. So, if you wish to tell this story, you have to show a repentant side. A side that realizes the consequences of your actions and the punishments it entailed, including lessons learned. What you should not do, is close the essay by saying that your actions were worth it. There is absolutely no acceptable justification for hacking into any system. You are lucky to have gotten off with a slap on the wrist this time. Don't brag about it. If I were you, I would not even share this information with the reviewer due to the possible negative effects it can have on your application.

Undergraduate / College Supplemental Writing: 'What is your dream ?' (250 words) [5]

Nanda, you need to think out of the box for this essay. When you are asked, "What is your dream?", you are being required to discuss your future dreams and ambitions in relation to your chosen major. Your first paragraph is too broad in scope. Even for thinking outside of the box, that is somewhat of an overkill because there is absolutely no way that you can eradicate global illiteracy. However, you can try to ease the illiteracy problem of your country. So focus your dream on solving the problem of your country. Basically, you just have to skip the first paragraph of the essay because it doesn't merge with the thoughts in the succeeding paragraphs.

Just change the opening sentence from "I aspire" to "I dream of..." in order to make it better reflect the prompt requirement. The rest of the essay from that point doesn't need to be changed. It works well as a response. If you wish to, you can use the freed up word count in order to further develop your thoughts, ideas, and sentiment in the more relevant 2 paragraphs that remain.

Undergraduate / Something you do for pleasure of it MIT-dancing [6]

Lorna, do you enjoy dancing just for the pleasure of it? Or did you dance just that one time at your cousin's wedding? Your response needs to reflect a hobby or activity that you do because you enjoy doing it. So, if you can describe how you learned how to dance at your cousin's wedding, and then developed that into a regular dance routine that you do, then the response to the essay will have become correct. You will need to create a continuity for dancing after the wedding and then present an explanation regarding how you continued the activity because you found yourself enjoying the activity. How did you feel while dancing? How does dancing relieve your stress? Try to inject some humor into the story if you can. It is important that the activity come across as something truly enjoyable to you because it helps you to relax and forget the stress you had for the day.

Undergraduate / MIT Supplemental Writing: Something you do for the pleasure of a busy life. [2]

Nanda, since you are being asked to provide an explanation of your activity within 100 words or less, I would not advice you to include that second paragraph in the statement anymore. It feels a bit rushed and almost out of place in your response. Maybe because it was not as well developed as the first paragraph. Since you lack the word count to actually make that activity more engaging in the eyes of the reviewer, it would be best to just skip it.

It is okay to provide a response that is less than 100 words because the essay instructions says that it is alright o do so. Your aim should be to present no less than 50 words in this case. Just work on properly closing the first paragraph so that it does not seem like it suddenly ended. That would be the best way for you to utilize the remaining word count. There is no need for a secondary, unrelated activity in the essay. It just makes the focus of the response confusing when you do that.

Undergraduate / Transition from Childhood: Mom and first generation college student [3]

Rajeeb, you need to find a more focused way of telling your transition story. You need to pick out the story that most reflects the addition of adult responsibilities on your shoulders during a time in your life when you were still most considered a child. The narrative that you are presenting is confusing as it seems you transitioned 3 times within the essay. That is not how this essay is to be approached. What the reviewer needs to know from you is how your culture or tradition initiates you into adulthood. In some cultures, this includes a child's first animal hunting kill (for men) or a house care taking duty (for women). This must be an event that provides an acknowledgement of your transition by the older people in your culture.

By the way, you have to present only your voice in this essay. Remove all references to your mother's story because her story is not the focal point of your essay. In fact, she has nothing to do with it unless you count the time when you took care of her. Think about a time when your parents left you in charge of something important and you did it well enough for them to trust you with more responsibilities. That is when you will have written a proper response to the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / I had to overcome my greatest fear. I blacked out in front of forty-six delegates. MIT SUPPLEMENTAL [5]

Lorna, in the 3rd paragraph, you should have said "During the winter holidays that followed..." instead of "The upcoming winter holidays..." You need to be consistent in using the past tense because all of these events already happened. Next, when you say one, that is a singular form. Therefore, you should have said "one month" and not "one months" as months depicts a plural form. Don't forget that you also have some connecting word problems to take note of. For example, you should have inserted the word "the" in reference to "the Food and Security Commission at THE Regional MUN." As for the improvement of your vocabulary words, we can focus on improving that presentation once we are done editing the content of the essay. There is no sense in improving the vocabulary at this point because of the editing that needs to be done. Don't worry, I'll help you clean up the essay once we are sure that the content is already complete.

Undergraduate / I had to overcome my greatest fear. I blacked out in front of forty-six delegates. MIT SUPPLEMENTAL [5]

Lorna, you absolutely need a transition paragraph between your first and second paragraphs. The first paragraph delivers this impression that it abruptly ended and then changed topic in the next line. As with all essays, you need to ease the reader into the next paragraph by using proper transition sentences or, as in this case, use a proper transition paragraph in order to show a number of things to the reader. The transition sentence should help to introduce the events that happened after you fainted at the Regional MUN.

After you fainted, were you treated differently by your peers? How did your teachers react to your fainting? Were you teased at school because you fainted? What other reasons made you embarrassed by what happened? Were these the factors that led you to join the Toastmasters Club? Why did you decide to join the club? These are the highly important questions that should be answered in the transition paragraph. That paragraph comes before you explain that you joined the Toastmaster Club during the winter holidays that year. Make sure to indicate that all of these related events happened within the same timeline. That is what will make this transition paragraph an effective method of introducing the next line of discussion. The rest of the essay is sufficient enough to complete the prompt response. All you need to add is the transition paragraph in order to make it work better.

Undergraduate / Some thoughts about flying kites, Bradeis essay [3]

Jessica, I think that the essay will be improved if you decide to focus on one aspect of the kite flying activity alone. I have a sense that you have focused on the almost totally transparent string that allows it to fly overhead. Your comparison of the string with the way that we are controlled by unseen forces in our lives is quite extraordinary. That is why we should work on developing that insight within the essay.

For starters, you should develop the first paragraph some more. What did you mean by an inexplicable touch? There is something incomplete about that paragraph. I think it is because of the way the last sentence seems to just hang there, without any particular meaning. Do you have any thoughts you can add to that statement in order to make it blend better with the rest of the essay?

In the second paragraph, you kind of lose the reader because you are also confused by your statement. You start by wondering about the kite and its strings, then you think about the strings in relation to man, then suddenly, you are back to talking about the kite strings being pulled. Pick a focus for discussion in the paragraph and develop the rest of the thoughts around that subject alone. That will give the sentence logic and cohesiveness.

As for the last paragraph. I think it is an excellent statement to close the essay upon. However, my opinion might change depending upon how your revision turns out. I hope my advice helps you to better develop your very interesting essay. I am keen to see how this will end up.

Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectual vitality- Watching teletubbies [3]

Lorna, please do yourself a favor and do not use a program that you watched when you were 2 years old for this essay. The reason you should not do this is quite simple, there is no intellectual vitality to be taken from the musings of a 2 year old. You were neither able to understand what you were watching, nor create an opinion regarding what you were watching at that age. You were barely able to make out real words at that time. So you can see how hard it would be for the reviewer to believe the things that you are saying that you knew about at the age of 2.

In fact, reviewers do not take any experience between the ages of 0-12 seriously because the intellectual development of the child is not yet complete and as such, cannot be taken seriously as statements of fact within those ages. The actual understanding of life and the things that we view, in reference to an effect or understanding of what is going on does not totally exist before the age of 12.

If you truly want to prove intellectual vitality, then show the reviewer a well rounded interest in various topics. Show him that you are capable of discussing anything under the sun and that you are a voracious reader who learns from actual intellectual experience just as much as you can from books. The intellectual vitality is not limited to the written word. It extends to everything in our lives that we learn from. You just can't convince the reviewer that you had such a deep insight as a 2 year old. Most specially, not using the Teletubbies program.

Undergraduate / This is my dream. It will become my reality soon. [4]

Mualla, I admire your idealism and realism in this essay. You have managed to give a background of your dream, the history of some of your interests, and a hopeful rendition of your future. However, you are not being asked to look at your future from rose colored glasses based upon information gleaned about your interests or knowledge you have gained from books. This is not about a dream that can become a reality. This essay is all about how you will use a completed college education to give yourself a better future.

Think of the essay in terms of what your future plans are. Lay it out solidly. Lead into the kind of career you hope to have after college, where you see yourself headed in about 2 years, and your hopes for higher career goals after 5 years. You say that you want to contribute to humanity by solving problems. Which problems are these and how do you plan to start helping to solve them? Be realistic in your goals. Speak from the heart about the plans that you have. Make sure that your plans to solve these problems can somehow be achieved or you can at least lay the foundation for a solution within a period of time.

Basically, this is another, lower level post study essay. So lower your career goals. Think of your immediate future. How do you plan to survive? Where do you want to work? Why would you want to work there? How do you see your work there helping to solve specific problems? Make the problems specific. Mention the problem instead of problems that you want to solve. Start with one, almost easily solvable problem in this essay with an indication that you will want to solve more complex problems in the future.

Your career goals are the focal point of this essay. Discuss your goals in a comprehensive manner and make sure to indicate that you are sure that you can use your college education in an effort to resolve the situation or problem you wish to pursue a solution to once you graduate.

Undergraduate / LOR - recommendation for the course in Economics majors in the University. [2]

Prasoon, thank you for starting the new thread for your essay. I assure you that this will be the best manner in which to get the attention of the students and contributors alike. You are sure to get the best advice and comments this way. I hope that you took note of my previous suggestions regarding the improvement of your recommendation letter.

Remember, the essay has to sound like your teacher is the one speaking. Stick only to the actual activities, topics, projects, and other academic encounters that you actually had with this teacher. Do not speak of other activities that she does not have actual knowledge of. This letter needs to be class and class activity specific and not, general in tone. Your resume inclusion is a dead give away that the teacher did not write the LOR. I already cautioned you about the consequences of such actions. Please take note and heed it.

Remove the references to the "store stock exchange program" and "Adult Literacy Program". Those two activities are not related to economics. It would be best if you can come up with a LOR from your school counselor or class adviser and use these two projects there instead. It won't hurt for you to have 2 recommendation letters from 2 different teachers who helped and got to know you in different ways. This will show the reviewer that you have a well rounded interest in academics and socio-civic activities.

Keep the focus of this recommendation on your Economics background because that is the same as the background of your teacher and the classes that she shared with you. Don't include programs that she would not have helped you or guided you in accomplishing. The reviewer will automatically know that you wrote this letter because you did that. That will pose a problem for your application consideration.

Prasoon, remove the last 2 paragraphs in the essay. These refer to activities that do not directly relate to Economics and were not directly supervised by your teacher who supposedly wrote this recommendation letter. I can tell that you were the one who wrote this because it includes information that comes directly from your resume and is presented as such. It does not have the professional voice of an educator and often, veers into the extra curricular activities that do not really have a relationship with Economics, which is the subject that this professor taught you in. For a more professionally accurate voice, remove the portions that I am suggesting. That will remove the obviousness that someone other than the teacher wrote this recommendation letter. I feel like I have already given you this very same advice before and yet, here you are again with the same recommendation letter that still contains the same mistakes. Please correct the essay problem points as I have pointed them out so that the letter of recommendation can be of more significant use to you.

Graduate / SOP for Columbia Business School - Career Changer; relations between China, Japan and South Korea [4]

Prasoon, while I will give you advice for this essay at this moment, I advice you to start your own thread for the successive postings regarding this essay. The admin will most likely delete this post of yours because you are supposed to start your own thread for your original essay. You are not supposed to post the essay in the thread of another student. Please make sure to fix this mistake by posting your own thread for the revision of this essay.

I would like to call your attention to the fact that you did not properly open this recommendation letter. The teacher should have done the following in the opening paragraph of the essay:

1. Introduce himself to the reader as your teacher.
2. Explain what class he has taught you in at present and in previous years (if any).

From that point, the teacher should focus the recommendation based upon your performance in her classes. She should not be offering information about projects and programs that she did not have a direct hand in participating in as your teacher or adviser. That is an over reaching recommendation that will make the reviewer think twice about the validity of her recommendation and knowledge of your abilities as a student in her class.

What is very obvious in the letter is that the teacher is not the one who wrote the recommendation. It is too resume like and sounds like the student himself wrote a self serving recommendation that he just had his teacher sign on to. That is never the impression you want to give the reviewer because when you submit your application, you will be made to take an oath that all of the documents you submitted are truthful. Therefore, having a letter of recommendation that is obviously not written by the teacher will be a violation of that oath and could result in the non-consideration of your application.

Undergraduate / Searching for an university that would complement and complete my personality: precise but sharp [13]

Watch out for the use of capital letters. The word center in Whitman Center should be capitalized because it is the proper name of a place. That is a standard writing rule. Double check your essay for other possible grammar and sentence structure errors. Now, as for the content, you have room for further discussion development in the second paragraph. Do you have any idea of the kind of business person that you want to be in the future? If you do, then look into the specific programs that Syracuse offers and add that information to the paragraph.

By programs, I mean internships, training sessions, or exchange programs that seem exclusive to the students of the university. That should help to better illustrate what influenced you to apply at Syracuse. Do you know of any notable business alumna from Syracuse whom you consider a role model? Some names that come to mind as notable business graduates of Syracuse are the book marketing executive M. J. Rose, Foursquare co-founder Dennis Crowley, and William J. Brodsky who is the chairman and chief executive officer of the Chicago Board Options Exchange.

Using the names of actual people who came from the university as your inspiration for enrolling shows that you admire the academics and the social aspects of student life at the university. Look into the educational background of these people, note how their university influenced them to become business leaders. Then use that as the inspiration for the response to "Why Syracuse?" That should work better along with your statement about your personal reasons for choosing the university.

Writing Feedback / Advertising directed only to a particular target audiences who can make decision for their selves [3]

Hi Veronica. This essay is well thought out, has understandable reasons, and shows that you gave a great deal of thought to the examples that can best support your opinion of the given topic. I must tell you that I feel you could easily get a 4, at the very least, on this essay. There are some points that can be elaborated upon a lot more, such as the reason why you feel that the temper tantrum a child throws in an effort to get what he wants makes targeted advertising a bad thing. Considering that the only objective of the advertisement is to make a sale, regardless of how that sale happens.

Overall though, the essay is well organized. Just don't outline your essay in this particular format during the actual test. This format is only applicable for the first few practice essays as you try to memorize how to best develop the paragraphs. Don't make it habit to always write in this format. While there are some grammatical issues in the essay, these are negligible enough because it does not detract or change the message of the sentence that it is contained in. You should be pretty proud of the way you developed this essay. You are really off to a good start. I hope to see more of your writing, with improvements, over the coming days.

Writing Feedback / GRE-University should require all students to take classes outside of the students' field of study [2]

Sun, you did very well for yourself in terms of developing your discussion essay. However, you were prevented from developing a satisfactory explanation of your argument because of your difficulty in using English syntax and vocabulary. The grammar was quite problematic in the sense that, although you are using the right term, you are not properly defining the context of the word in the manner of your use. Don't get me wrong though, you adequately displayed a critique o the argument along with an acceptable presentation of effective writing. That is why you could probably get a score that starts at the baseline of 4 with this essay. I never score on the increment side because I am not sure about how the actual reviewer would rate the existing problems of the paper. So I always deliver only the base score.

As a final word of advice, you need to work on using your transition words in order to create a more cohesive and coherent paragraph discussion. Don't be afraid to use connecting examples whenever possible. Show your full writing abilities at all times. That is the only way to get a higher score on this paper. You just need to practice developing your English sentences. Your sense of logic, understanding, and ability to explain yourself is already there. It just need to be improved upon.

Undergraduate / From a kid to an adolescent who surmounted the backbreaking real life crisis. [2]

Vlad, this is a pretty good response to the prompt that you have written. I have a question though, why are some words written in italics? Are you using it for emphasis or are these keywords required to be written that way by the prompt? If it is not required, then there is no need to italize the text. Just keep it straightforward in writing. You are being highly creative enough in your presentation that any more dramatic elements in your work will just tend to irritate the reviewer.

Now, about the content, there is only one element missing which you need to highlight. That is the fact that you earned the respect of your parents or the community for giving yourself so selflessly in your quest to help the others affected by the earthquake. Notice that the prompt requires that sort of acknowledgement in order to officially signal your transition from child to adult. The story you chose to tell accomplishes that effectively. You just need to make sure that the acknowledgement is there in order to make it official in the eyes of those around you and the reviewer as well. So you may need to edit the beginning of the essay in order to do this.

Don't be so detailed about the science experiment you were doing, that just deviates from the topic of the prompt. Try to just gloss over the experiment so you can immediately focus on the transition story. The sooner you get to it the better. Think of your word count. Don't run out of word allotment before you get to the acknowledgement of your adulthood. If you feel that you lack the words to express the transition properly, then edit the start of the essay some more. Look for ways to change the first 2 paragraphs if you can. That should work to better highlight the transition on your end.

Undergraduate / Tufts supplemental essay on collective participation; 'Constantly stepping out of comfort zones' [5]

Okay, we can revise the opening statement using the additional information. The most important thing we have to do is not mention any age references in the essay. So, the new introduction should look something like this:

When my parents purchased a house in a predominantly military officer neighborhood, there were worries as to how I might fit in with the other military kids. No sooner had we spent our first night in our new house when it became clear to all of us that we would not only be welcomed, but embraced by the neighbors in our community. At 5 AM that Sunday, the so called "military brats" were knocking on our door, inviting me to join them for a morning jog. Before I knew it, I was scoring in my first soccer game with my new friends, marching to military cadences that were made up on the spot, and doing the rounds, welcoming the other new kids who, just like me, had also just recently moved in. This army atmosphere...

This is just an example for you. You can opt to use it or just create a new one that you feel more comfortable using. Just make sure that you follow the line of description that I have here because this avoids the reference to any age, thus making the essay more "experience" rather than "age" specific.

Undergraduate / Tufts supplemental essay on collective participation; 'Constantly stepping out of comfort zones' [5]

Khoa, this is a pretty strong essay statement. You just need to remove the reference to the age that you have in the essay. Mostly because the reference to age is not really an integral part of the community that you are presenting. You just need to revise the opening portion in order to make this environment seem like the place where you lay your roots and developed your understanding of military life. My suggestion is that you open the essay by saying the following:

My (mom / dad) lives for service to the country. That is why I grew up in a neighborhood reserved for military officers. It is not uncommon for me to wake up at 5 a.m. on a Sunday to go jogging with other military children before we engage in a spirited game of soccer, learn some crazy and made up military cadence, or welcome some new kids to our fold. The army atmosphere...

By removing the reference to your age and simply describing the life that you have in the community, you tell the reviewer that this is an environment that you are still actively engaged in and hence, continue to be molded by the influence of the military families and their children, which is always a good, never bad thing.

Letters / 'A great future awaits him' - This is a Letter of recommendation from a Math teacher [4]

Amrish, the first problem with your letter of recommendation is that you do not allow the Math teacher to introduce himself to the reader. The teacher must indicate his full name, position, and length of time as your teacher. Another thing, you cannot have the teacher claim to be your foster parent. In any school recommendation, it must come from what is known as a "disinterested third party" who can speak about your character and abilities without bias for you. That means, they should not have a personal interest in your success. That is why parents are not allowed to recommend their children for admission to college. The same applies to foster parents. Remove that reference in the essay. It will be detrimental to your application.

Next, you need to cut down the length of your letter to only 3-4 paragraphs. This is just a letter of recommendation, which is similar to a cover letter in length. It should not run too long because this letter should only identify what the teacher believes to be your strong points as a student. So he should speak with the voice of an academician and not be too over involved with your development as a student, which is what is being currently portrayed in this letter. Just choose the top 2 traits that you wish to highlight about yourself in the essay and present it. Close the letter as soon as you can because the reviewer doesn't have the time to read such a long character reference letter. Keep it informative but short.