Graduate / Eyes through the world - my personal statement (applying Finance master) [18]

Oh... to match the last sentence you need to really use a VERY unique word that the reader will remember throughout the essay.
I think you can come up with one! Extend the metaphor... of landing in a new place... extend the metaphor so that it includes some unforgettable concept that the reader will recognize at the end and remember from the beginning. It has to be more complex than "landing in a new place."

:-)

Undergraduate / Who Influences You? Culinary Institue of America Admissions Essay [2]

As a child, every braised goat and vegetable-of-the-season stew my mother would put on the table had these little bones in it. ---Werid intro!!! I like you already.

But the sentence is hard to understand, and that diminishes the coolness:
As a child, every braised goat and vegetable-of-the-season would become a stew, and when my mother would put it on the table it always had these little bones in it. ---There, that is a little better. :-)

Run on sentence!---> It wasn't the bones I was after, though; it was what was nestled in between them. ---I fixed it with a semi-colon.

A buttery, translucent marrow, which has now begun to grace the menus of every gastropub and french restaurant Manhattan has to offer.---nice.

That's the first food I fell in love with. Bone Marrow. Sigh, just saying the words are giving me goosebumps. Since then, the epicurean in me has devoured every other part of me. ---Ha ha. hahahah! How did you get to be so awesome... I like this so much...

It is, after all, one of the seven deadly sins. ---You are so right! Well... not exactly, but still...

You are going to be accepted to the school, for sure. Maybe not as a member of PETA, though. :-)

Undergraduate / "Increase my knowledge, improve my entrepreneur skills" personal and education goals [9]

Clarify by elongating this sentence:
The school had a bad reputation because of student misbehavior, so the staff became stricter. ---Without adding those words, it does not make complete sense.

Eliminating most of our freedom that other schools have. --This sentence is incomplete. Do this:
...became stricter, eliminating most of our freedoms that students at other schools have. A lot of us lost pride for our school because it seems seemed more like a prison. school .

You must add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph. If you do not add a sentence, it will seem like you ignored the prompt. You are supposed to reflect on your goals. So... add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and let it be a sentence that tells how this bad experience shaped your goals. Let it become a theme for the whole essay, and reflect back on it when you write the conclusion.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Evaluating the teaching effectiveness of the professors" - GRE, Omega [5]

Another way to improve it is like this:
Add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and let it be a sentence that expresses the main point you are making. Add a sentence, and when you write it, pretend you have to answer the essay prompt in a single sentence.

Do you know what I mean? Imagine you have to answer this in a sentence instead of in a whole essay. Add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

If you do that, you will always double the quality of your writing! :-)

Undergraduate / "I worked at an athletic camp" - Is This an Example of Leadership? [4]

...volunteered to take them and work work with them on their basic skills for...

this sport while the other campers did what the schedule intended them to do. ---ooh, you worded this quite well. I like the way you personify schedule.

... used different various techniques to help boost their confidence because ...

:-)

Research Papers / Types of Cruiser Motorcycles [4]

Now frame these 3 statements within one overarching theme. That may seem complex, but it is not. You need to add a sentence to the beginning and then add another to the end. Prior to that first sentence, make a statement about what it all adds up to.. the reason for writing about these kinds. Catch the reader's attention.

At the end, add a sentence that tells... "What does it all mean?" Again, you are repeating the overarching idea that unites the three things.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a very intrigued learner" - My strength (Ohio State Application Form) [4]

There is one thing that I do best, one thing that gets me going in my everyday social and academic life, and that is seeking for understanding. ---This does not really mean anything. I think the concept you are trying to say is one that you have to be able to name in a more specific way. Seeking understanding... person, situation... what is it you are really saying?

My favorite sentence: As a seeker, I see life is an interesting subject.

I learn to understand economics and politics in my home country, Malaysia by reading a lot from various sources. ---See, you are biting off more than you can chew. If you say this, you need to show some understanding of the politics and econ.

Reading enlightens me on what are happening and why did they happen Too obvious.

The meaning of understanding leads me to become mature and not easily to jump into conclusion. The meaning of understanding does not prevent people from jumping to conclusions.

Do not misunderstand me. I think you have a great idea. I recognize this problem. You are a profound thinkier and good writer, and because of that you try to explain more than can be explained in a short space. Your way to jump up to the next level as a writer is to get the other half:

The first half is to know how to write beautifully. The other half is to focus what you write so that one essay = one big idea. Do that, and all your skill will drive that idea. It will be awesome. :-) Here, you are trying to cover many ideas. The concept of "seeking understanding" is too big, broad, and vague.

So... get specific about what you are good it. It is something a little more specific than seeking understanding.

Undergraduate / I know how to calculate complex equations mentally without lots of writing or no writing at all [6]


This is very, very well-written. I don't think you should do an introduction like this, because it is "extra." It is redundant... a statement of the obivous. But you really did a good job with it.

Okay, I thought about it, and I like your writing style so much that I think you should keep the eloquent introduction. But at least get rid of these words:

First of all,

I would like to thank you for reading and evaluating my application to the University of Toronto. I humbly submit this essay as per your priority requirement. I believe that without proper education, I will not be able to achieve my dream of ____________ (Sum up your plan... what you are all about). s; therefore I want to be able to sustain myself and become more independent.

:-) I notice some excellent ideas from Hockey520... that is some of the best feedback I have seen today.

Writing Feedback / Olevel: Internet/Computer harm or not? [8]

I think you should say research instead of researches:

...research, and so on.

Besides, there also appeared the bane effects that the Internet has brought about like pornography and hackers. However, I strongly believe that Internet does more good than harm for the various reasons. (Right here, add a thesis statement that tells the main theme or concept of your essay).

First of all, communication...

No need to capitalize here:
...to the Global global free trade.

Right here, it is supposed to be PLURAL: by spreading pornography and violence, which is are considered rampant nowadays.

The ending is excellent! I'm sorry, I don't know how to rank it. I think you probably will pass, though! You write at a high level of skill.

Writing Feedback / Rising China and its future: planned or liberal economy? [3]

The size of the government, or the capacity of its intervention defines a country's overall economic policies.
or you can say:
The country's overall economic policy determines the size of the government and the capacity of its intervention. Among the economic...

Because the government is very influential to over the economy of China, it was able to focus its investment on certain critical industries. Unlike liberal economies, where multiple industries sprang spring up spontaneously, the Chinese economy was developed through stages, focusing its...

The US, on the other hand, which is currently striving to come up with an extensive health care plan, is hindered by the liberalist economic policies to which it has traditionally clung. on .

Great job!! This is an interesting essay. You can make it much better if you "refute the counter-argument." That means you can use a whole paragraph to explain the argument that would be made by someone who disagrees with you, and then try to show that your argument is more sensible. :-)

Undergraduate / "From Vietnam, to major in finance and accounting" - Personal Statement UW Seattle [2]

This is the kind of sentence where you should use "that of"---> I think my academic history is a little bit different from that of other people.

I think it looks better if you do this:
to live in USA the United States.

No need for "how" here:
This might sound similar to the way how Amazon and ...

You are missing a letter:
here to sit with Gorge?"

Let's see a new draft! Try to type it with these corrections. :-)

I never feel that I have lear ned enough.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: On the value of history [4]

Yes, Dumi is one of my favorite people!

Capitalize Internet, because it is a proper noun.

It is hard to judge whether what happened in the past is irrelevant relevant to our daily lives now. ---It is unnecessarily complex if you use irrelevant. :-)

no need for the s on "war"
...basic problems such as war, discrimination and poverty still exist.

Great job with this sentence: By reading others' whole life stories in a short time, a person can gain lots of experience that cannot be obtained in real life.

I don't think you should capitalize the subjects:
... used in chemistry. If the methods of physics and chemistry were...

:-)

Writing Feedback / favor food, why it's so special [10]

Kathy, you should add a clever sentence to the beginning to catch the reader's attention!

Also, you have a typo (fork): like beef, fork, turkey, or combined meat. If you are more creative and a member of fan of seafood, you can substitute meatballs with scrimps or your favor shrimp for the meatballs, but the dish still gives you a taste as excellent as that of the original.

:-)

Writing Feedback / if you do not do this, you will not have a successful life? [5]

Thanks John! I don't have an MSN, but you should join our army of writing friends and help us give people ideas about their essays.

Writing Feedback / Obamacare: Heading Down? (against the health care programs promoted) [5]


Usually, we become informed first, and write an essay second.

...is risking America to countless side effects.----In order to make this a good sentence, change risking to "putting America at risk for countless..."

... to radicalize Britain---This is not the correct way to writ it. Do you mean to say that he has involved government in health care?

The bill, on the other hand, could be passed--The bill has already passed, and it is now a law.

Obamacare, especially health care,---What do you mean here?

It's time for the democratic party and Obama to take a look back at their policy.--It is time for you to look at the policy. You have not gathered information prior to writing this essay? If you have not gathered information, you must be just repeating the ideas given to you by other people. When you write something, it is important not to go outside the bounds of what you know. Only write what you know. It is good that you cited a poll, and I think you should include more information like that. But in order to write in a persuasive way, the most important thing is to keep your claims limited to what you can support. So... write about the solid, sure information you have.

:-)

Undergraduate / MCPHS-Why I want to become a doctor...Women need my help over there [4]

Luck I like it without that word at the start:
Luck defines my life. My parents were...

...for my brothers and I me here in America.

Because I have been so lucky, I want to give back to those who have...

medical acssess access.

I think in the beginning of this essay it would be better if you gave a little more explanation about WHY women especially lack medical treatment (i.e. and are less likely than men to get the necessary treatment.) Also, I think of course you would not let feminist ideas make you discriminate against men... so be sure to mention that, too.

I think this should be separated into 2 paragraphs.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: Suggestion on improving the quality of instruction at the college [4]

Well, one great way to improve it would be to try to write 1 sentence that expresses the idea of the whole essay. Can you make a sentence that says something as clearly and convincingly as a whole essay? Probably not, but if you try, you will get a great THESIS STATEMENT to put at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Dissertations / The Passionate Shepherd Thesis statement [5]

You indicated that this is a thesis statement, but this is not how to write a thesis statement. What you write here is information. Information is great to put in the first paragraph of the essay. But the thesis statement will probably be written at the end of the first paragraph, and it should make a clever suggestion about the poem. To write a good thesis statement, you have to try to observe something about the poem that perhaps nobody ever observed before... it is your own unique way of seeing it.

That does not mean you have to figure out something nobody ever figured out; it just means you have yo be yourself and -- after deeply contemplating the poem and perhaps reading some reviews of it -- make YOUR unique contribution to the ongoing conversation about it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Advertisements increase sales volume - not wasting of a company's time or money [3]

Great job, Lisa the Kid, we are lucky to have you here!

A growing number of people believe that it is...

...waste of company's costs money, because they increase sales volume. Moreover, they provide consumer with each product's information.

Do not say you "disagree that"...
Instead, do this:
In conclusion, I firmly disagree with the suggestion that advertisements are a waste of...

:-)

Graduate / Peace Corps essay #2, My foreign exchange sister, Debbie [4]

were not difficult to adapt to, though it meant-----The way you wrote this, it is unclear what "it" refers to.

my acclimation to them involved getting used to...

... able to make the most of my experience abroad by using a few simple methods.---This makes me think you are going to talk about methods. I think, instead, you should revise the end of this sentence to mention Debbie or the concepts you are about to discuss. That way, it will be a nice transition into this:

When I invited Debbie into...

And you can do this:
... will incorporate customs with which I'm comfortable while learning and...

:-) nice job!

Undergraduate / "Growing up with severe asthma" - Rice Transfer, Natural Science [5]

Very clever intro. Use "number agreement"---> ...inhalers became my best friends.

In continuing my path towards becoming a pulmonologist, I am confident that applying to Wiess School of Natural Science is one of the best decisions I could possibly make during my undergraduate career. I think you can say something more specific right here.

Through this choice I will acquire more than just a degree in Biochemistry, but the---no, this form of sentence does not work.
You should write it with a semi-colon:
... more than just a degree in Biochemistry; I will also gain an opportunity to expand...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their teenagers [5]


Sometimes a short sentence is better at the beginning of an essay, because it catches the reader's attention:
Should parents and relatives make important decisions for teenagers? is very common for peoples' modern lives and also it is a common matter nowadays in some debates. While some people argue that...

:-)

Writing Feedback / A study: Not being a native English teacher has been reputed as a drawback? [3]

Maybe you can be clearer here at the start:
...native English speaker had been reputed as a drawback for those wishing to work as English teachers.

Use a hyphtn with "non"---> non-native

English teachers who define and deal with can provide insight about Eszeter's problem of...

You write very well!! I think you should explain more about the purpose of your study before describing the forum site. First explain all about what the topic is, and then explain HOW you will approach the problem using the site.

This project seems very complex, so keep it as simple and focused as possible! :-)

Essays / How has the study of english literature changed over the last century [3]

That is a tough question. But then again, for graduate studies you have to be ready for tough questions. You have to read books and articles about how English lit is taught.

For example, can you find a text book that was used in the early 20th century? But do not just start reading old text books and trying to compare... you need an article or book to guide you... You would find such a book if you were taking a graduate class about teaching English lit. If you find out what text book is used in a course for people who will be teaching English literature, you will find your answers.

I searched, but I cannot find any articles for you :-(

Wow, you know what you might have to do? Search a database for "English Literature" and then read books and articles from early 20th century, and compare them with books and articles from the 21st century. Along the way, you might find the perfect article to guide you... something that discusses new methods of teaching eng. lit and how they are different.

Graduate / MBA: Page number 221 of your 300 page autobiography (how to start it?) [4]


Wow, I think we were late with our reply, too, since you wrote this over a week ago. YES, please start a new thread for every essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Some practices harmed Chinese people's interests and damaged their emotions - GRE [3]

What goals should be defined considered as worthy to attain? ---I think considered is a more fitting word here. After all, we are not actually defining anything.

You write in a very eloquent way, but maybe sometimes it is overly complex. For example, this sentence could be revised to include only about half the number of words:

First and foremost, the means taken to achieve a goal can in turn prevent the goal from being achieved, thus rendering itself worthless.

An example comes from the realm ecology serves aptly to exemplify this opinion. ---And again here... I would just write: To use an example from ecology, in a district where the ecosystem has been dominated by one species ...

It is factaries Factory owners and bussinessmen who would most likely to welcome the building of...

...the final decision.

I really enjoy your style of writing! :-) For you, I recommend Stephen King's On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. (EF_Kevin's favorite book)

Undergraduate / "Talk about an experience traveling or Living Abroad" - feedback [2]

I love that first sentence...

In the second sentence, you used subsequent the wrong way:
When I first heard about my subsequent upcoming (or impending) move four years ago, a feeling...

Good use of "brewed"---> of anticipation brewed in me.

...couldn't grasp the idea of it.---But what do you mean? Prior to this sentence, you should mention what was so bad about it... how long would you be there, etc.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.---Well, you WOULD have had it another way if you had had your way before the move. This sentence should be reworded to say:

I wouldn't want to change anything, because my experiences taught me ____________- (Say something UNFORGETTABLE!)

:-)
I like this essay. However, instead of giving so many details, you should try to stick with a single theme that will burn a hole in the reader's mind and make them remember you... a "message" for the essay.

Scholarship / "to achieve the knowledge and ambition in my chosen field" Why I should be considered [2]


That first sentence is something a lot of students say. It is overused and not particularly convincing.
The last sentence above, about your purpose being to pursue higher education, does not mean anything at all! So... destroy that sentence!! :-) My main reason to attend college is to pursue my higher education

break into my intended career path... there have been many financial setbacks---These things are not specific enough.

I want you to start this essay by telling the reader something you want to do very badly... something you want to do in your chosen field. Come up with something to say you ARE GOING TO DO. That is how to begin the essay.

Tell what you want to do, who you want to help, etc. Then, tell the reader how your education will be with the scholarship and how it will be if you do not have the scholarship.

Be very specific!! :-)

Welcome to EssayForum.

Undergraduate / "The Intolerance of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" - UT Admission --Issue of importance [2]


Wow, what a strong argument you make in this paper. It has all the elements... logos, ethos, and pathos. I see emotional appeal in the sentence above, but also you make a strong logical argument in the point about European nations allowing them to serve... and ... well, it does not have ethos. It would have ethos if you quoted the top generals who said they support its repeal.

But anyway, this is a very strong essay. It would be even stronger if you cited a few more sources.

But why still argue about it? We have repealed it now...

:-)

Undergraduate / "planning for your social work training" - need assistance with a MSW essay question [3]


This makes me think they are talking about if you have any issues that make SW the wrong career choice... or issues you need to seriously reflect on. These questions are actually intended to teach you... to begin your training.

So... in the interest of writing a competitive application essay, do a good job of self-analysis. Dig deep, and think about bias you may be susceptible to, strong feelings you have, etc... anything you feel passionate about can help or hurt you. Dig deep, and share some introspection.

:-)

That is how to impress them. And read some books or articles about emotional struggles faced by people in this profession... reading about them will guide your self-analysis.

Undergraduate / "the passing of my father" - proof read and help expanding - One meaningful event [2]

The first sentence is a run on sentence.
You should take out, "This was about..." just take the whole sentence out. It is not necessary.

Okay, you have a great approach, and the thing to do is focus on YOUR plan. Use this as a starting point, but write about your own plan and use a lot of details to tell what you intend to do. What will be your specialization in your field? What article are you reading lately?

:-)

Graduate / Exposure to Medicine + Career in Medicine (reasons) -- Med School Essay [2]

Excellent, very smart and funny:
...dental" conversations to be foreign and a little annoying. This view began to change while I was in middle school. My sister and I would occasionally assist my mother's office staff in turning over rooms and sterilizing instruments. Though the cleaning tasks were rote, I found my very limited patient interaction exciting.---After this sentence, give a few sentences that sum up the main message of the essay, and then end the first paragraph.

Start the story in para #2:
In high school, I realized I wanted to pursue...

smilingly "routine" interactions because---Great writing!! But... they were not smilingly routine... so .. make a little adjustment. You enjoyed them smilingly.

This is VERY well written. The ending needs to be developed more, though. Use a theme at the beginning and the end... some word the reader will associate with you and use to remember you. :-)

Undergraduate / "Attending the lyceum without any idea"- experience, achievement, risk you have taken [2]

I did not get out among the people much, and most of my time was spent alone with my thoughts, watching people and cars moving past the window of the lyceum.

The desire to communicate with others was so low that I even could not dare to talk friendly to others.

I knew no one of students except my group mates and...

I began to get used to being there as a sophomore and no other event changed and cultivated my personality more than taking part in the club "X".

It was an open club which gave a chance for members to show abilities and unique talents .

There I found it very essential and helpful and began to spend my free time there .

My communication skills changed so dramatically that I began to make pleasant conversations with others.

This is a good essay with a good subject. I corrected some of the grammar, but no one will fault you for not having perfect English.

Good luck in school and have fun. :)

Essays / I need a quote / maxim for an essay [12]

It might help you to google around and find "Civil Disobedience" by Thoreau. That will explain this subject to you better than I can. It means that as a government "by the people'', we should be able to tear them down for their unjust laws. Also, this is a quote by Martin Luther King Jr. Don't forget to add 'Jr' after his name, because his father was a great man in his own right, so we should not confuse them.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive Essay: Description of a Flood [6]


Right here, make it "parallel" with the previous part of the sentence:
over the water and filmed the catastrophe.

Excellent, ominous writing... the rhythm is sort of steady and droning.
(I don't know if droning means what I am tryng to use it to mean.)

Do not use too many adjectives, or they lose their meaning. I don't like "pretentious" here, because it means something specific that does not seem to apply to the story. And... monstrous is probably a little too much, too... monstrous massacre is an example of one adjective too many.

Anyway, you are a great writer! For you, I definitely recommend Stephen King's book called On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - What things a movie tells about its country [5]

Let's use words that are specific.. not "things"...it reflects many characteristics of many things about the country that the movie was made in.----Also, it is better to write this: the country in which it was made.

You used both singular and plural tenses here. If you want to use singular tense, do this:
A movie is almost always made in the language of the country it was made in.
Also, like I said before, you should write: A movie is almost always made in the language of the country in which it is made.

And here is the same problem with singular and plural:
Therefore, movies are a microcosm that allows the audience to learn about their country's language and virtues.
A movie is a microcosm that allows the...
or
Movies are microcosms that allow the...
That rule is called "number agreement."
:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-experience or born traits?which is more effective? [6]

Personality is not physical appearance.

Personality is not thought about as physical appearance, but instead includes the attitude, aptitude, and behaviour all amalgamated in one term.----Now, this is a great sentence.

Not it, them.
Experience aids in identifying the weaknesses and turning them into strengths.

However, some people think that born characteristics are enough for the development. ---This is unclear. Do you mean to say that some people believe born characteristics determine everything about development?

But this is a myth, far from reality. ---I like the way you worded this sentence!

I have a suggestion for this one:
A diamond is a very precious stone, but without proper polishing it will remain as black as the coal along with which it is found.----another beautiful sentence.

Experience is a lubricant which reduces friction while facing various situations in life.---Ha ha, I don't know if a lubricant metaphor is the best way to end the essay. This is very good writing, though... but I think you should come up with a different idea... not lubricant. :-)

Writing Feedback / The movie "Troy", Achilles - someone you admire. How have they affected your life? [6]

I want to talk about a character in the movie Troy. His name is Achilles.

He was the great leader whom all the army depended on.

I changed a lot from because of that.

I set the goal of my life to be a good leader in field of economics.

I know that it would will be hard, but I want to be like Achilles.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged" ESSAY [5]


What do you mean? Indenting, like with the tab button?

Hey, thanks, William, for being a hero.

In addition to those edits, I'll mention that I think you can add a new dimension to this if you consider the opposite idea. How about adding a paragraph where you talk about the way people actually can have good lives without using computers. All they need is a system for satisfying their needs. So, even though your argument is right, it is also true that someone can be happy without understanding computers. :-)

Undergraduate / "the human and professional worlds" - Babson essay : a letter to your future roommate [3]

We achieved high school and----No, you did not achieve high school You can say this:

We achieved our goals in high school and are now about to live the four most intense years of our existence!----Cool sentence, but the intense years still might come later. :-)

Brilliant... very good writing here. But I think your first paragraph is too long. Can you separate it into 2 paragraphs about the two different ideas you cover?

of the subject.---what subject? Entrepreneurship? Clarify here, and I think you write so well... it will be good if you spend a few moments telling more about your career plan or academic goals.

Great job!