Writing Feedback / TED Summary : The World's English Mania [3]

Muhamad, where is the link to the video? It seems that you wrote a summary which does not really pay attention to any major details, points of discussion, or information from the essay other than what you chose to present. Perhaps that is because it was easiest for you to remember this generic information? Your essay is definitely lacking some data that could have helped to make this summary more informative. In terms of your use of the English language though, you are showing an intermediate ability to inform people in English. You are coherent where it counts and you have managed to present your summary in what would seem like a proper progression. That does not erase the fact that your summary is only 4 sentences long which, by all accounts, is too short for this to be considered a truly informative summary statement.

Writing Feedback / It is the teacher's responsibility to make a student learn the material. [5]

Kinnie, without knowing the actual prompt that you are trying to answer, I still found myself highly impressed by the essay that you wrote. I found your argument to be logical , cohesive and with a clear line of thought progression. I am just worried though that you might have missed out on discussing both sides of the issue as is often required in these sorts of essays. There are just one or two points that I believe should be called to your attention as those parts have a direct effect on the way your essay would be scored. Is there any chance you can upload the prompt so that I can rest my fears about that aspect of your writing?

In your paragraph about the teachers needing to prevent the distractions that affect the students, I am not sure why you had to circle back to the Math example. Normally, you should strive to present at least 2 examples in the essay. That is, 2 different examples. Now, in the classroom and during tutorial sessions, the students are made to put away their gadgets. So how exactly is the teacher supposed to prevent distraction during this learning process?

You have shown a great deal of ability in expressing your thoughts in the written English word. If you can supply the prompt requirement, I am sure that I will be able to offer more advice regarding your writing improvement.

Writing Feedback / Mathematic and science as the main features in the industrial revolution era [3]

Yurike, your summary should have been written in a summarized comparison form because the article indicated that there were two tests being discussed as far as relevance in rating the students learning capacity. These exams were the TIMMS and PISA student rankings. The article is actually far longer than the summary that you wrote. It also lacks much of the pertinent information that is contained in the article. The shortcoming of your summary comes from the mistake in the information that you decided to present. The information that you actually have in your essay would have been best presented as the latter or the concluding statement of your summary essay. Had you presented the summary that way, the examiner would have gotten a better idea regarding your ability to do comparisons and understand long, intricate, and data driven articles.

Writing Feedback / IELTS summary task Papua New Guinea Hides Some of the Most Dangerous Volcanoes on Earth [4]

Dioba, will you consider adding some information to this essay for its informative improvement? While the summary is sufficient, the only way to prove your claims about the most dangerous volcanoes existing in Papua New Guinea is to also provide information about the immediate effects of the explosion. Just mentioning the height and range of the explosions would further improve the content of your summary. You should have done that because you made mention of the Volcanic Explosivity Index which is tasked to measure the eruptions. What was the use of mentioning that index when you did not mention the measurements of the eruptions when you listed the volcanoes in the country? Make sure that when you write your summaries, that you double check your information to match all of the important data included. In this case, the measurements should have accompanied the index.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article - Speedy bat flies at 160km/h, smashing bird speed record [4]

Lincoln, your article summary should have been presented in three parts, just as the original article was presented.This is because the article discussion was divided into three parts covering the event that happened which is being reported, the assumptions as to how the bats gained so much speed, and then finally, the realization that the scientists had no idea as to why the bats flew that fast. That said, your summary does try to present most of the information in the article. Although, the presentation doesn't really leave the reader as informed as he could be due to way that you seemed to rush through the summary. When writing a summary based on an article that has sub topics in the discussion, make sure that you cover all of the important data presented in the sub topics as well. At this point, this essay informs the reader, but does not clarify the points that he will find himself asking towards the end of your summary report.

Writing Feedback / British societies facing more problems caused by globalisation. WHY BREXIT HAPPENED? [3]

Hi Bambang, I was just wondering, who was the speaker at the forum? I mean, I know who the speaker is because I watched the video. But if you are presenting this information to a person who doesn't have access to the video and can only read your summary of the talk, you will leave that person wondering about who the speaker is, what his background is that makes him an authority to discuss the Brexit vote, along with the where and why he was invited to give this lecture. You gave some pretty simple overviews of the information from the video. I wish you had developed the explanations with at least 2 sentences more for each. Just so that you could have enlightened the reader a bit more about the topics covered during the video talk. Not a bad summary though. I know you will continue to improve your summary skills as you progress with your practices.

Writing Feedback / Rogerian Essay on Social Networking - The pros and cons of being a part of it [2]

Kevin, I think that you should consider omitting the portion that discusses the health drawbacks of social media because you were not able to provide additional discussion about it, such as the positive health results of social media, in other sections of the paper. So that section becomes irrelevant to the discussion. Most of your focus in the essay is on the privacy of the person using social media. There is no follow up discussion on the health consequences or benefits in other sections. Therefore, you need to remove that reference paragraph in order to keep your essay focused on the privacy aspect alone. That is of course, unless you can figure out way to use the positive health benefits of social media in the Similarities discussion.

For the Similarities portion, aside from cyber-bullying as a harmful effect, you can also discuss the way that social media is being used by terrorists to recruit people to their cause. You can discuss how social media is now a major source of news and information for its users, but then the problem is that because social media relies on the so-called "citizen journalism" to offer information, not all of the information that is gained from them can be accurate.

However, for the positive comparison, you can say that social media has helped to save millions of lives from cyber-bullying because of the emergence of anti-bullying support groups on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. You will need to do some research but you will see that these organizations, while they require that you give up some of your privacy in order to join then, ends up helping you in the long run because you belong to a safe social network meant to support you when you are feeling down because of bullying. You can also claim that the news on social media helps inform the reader and encourages them to verify the information before sharing it. The important part of this is that the reader gets interested to learn new things and respond to his changing environment because of the "citizen journalist".

Now, based upon the information that you will decide to place in the similarities portion, you may need to adjust your conclusion or find out what your group mates have written for the essay so that you can better develop your conclusion to support the group voice in the final paper,

These are some of my ideas as to how you can expand your similarities portion. I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / Boston University is the Perfect Utopia [6]

Yoosol, next time you post your essay here for your common app essay, kindly include the prompt that you are responding to so that we can check it for prompt adherence and relevance. Right now, I think you are trying to explain why Boston University is a perfect fit for you right? If that is the case, then your response is not really that effective. I'll give you some advice based upon the prompt I believe you are trying to respond to. My advice can change if you post the prompt and it turns out that you are trying to something other than the question I thought you were posed with.

One thing you have to consider when writing this essay is the point of view of the reviewer. That means that you should think like him and try to answer the possible expectations he may have regarding your essay response. In this case, you responded in a very generic way to the question posed. You have to be specific about the information that you are presenting.

Concentrate more on explaining the academic side of your desire to attend the university. Try to connect more of your academic interests with the courses offered at the university. You can't just rattle off that there are 250 classes offered, you need to specifically mention the class, why it is of extreme interest to you and how it relates to your early academic interests. We know what your major is, so why do you think Boston University offers you the academic learning environment you crave? What courses do you wish to take? Professors you wish to be taught by? Specifics that will tell the reviewer that you know the university's academic demands and that you are confident that you can meet the student academic requirements.

The final paragraph about the student community works in the overall concept of your response. I would most likely keep that part even after I learn what the actual prompt you are responding to is. Basically, the essay is good, but can be better. That is what we will work on delivering after you let us know what your prompt requirement is.

Undergraduate / I had always been infatuated with animated cartoon shows - USC Cinematic Arts Personal Statement [10]

Hi Mia, your essay is perfect content-wise as of this moment. Now you just have to proof read the essay for grammar and punctuation. Or some parts that can still be edited in order to further shorten the essay in an informative manner. For example, in the second paragraph, you can remove the first word "Initially" because you are already saying that you were fascinated by anime at an early age. There is a redundancy of sorts in that sentence and the removal of the opening word helps to fix that problem.

The same can be said for the term "short term wise" as it doesn't make sense to discuss developing your skills "short term" skill development is always something that happens over the long term. Long after you graduate from school, long after you have completed your masters studies. Your technique is something that will constantly develop for as long as you are working in this field.

I believe that once you address these simple edits, the essay will officially be ready to use. Good luck with your application !

Undergraduate / UC Prompt- OBSTACLES...Taking care of grandma [2]

Annika, indeed, this essay is quite personal. It is well written and portrays your difficulties in life. I know that you love your grandmother very much and that you are torn between feeling love for her and feeling trapped by caring for her. However, I believe that this essay should be saved for either an open topic essay piece or a background essay prompt. It would fit perfectly there and would truly highlight your background and the person you have become because of having to deal with this situation. Perhaps you can develop a more obstacle related story for this prompt instead?

You see, when you are asked to write about an obstacle you had to overcome in life, you are being asked to analyze how you deal with situations that prevent you from currently achieving your dreams, ambitions, or aspirations in life. Why won't you let these obstacles get in your way? Or, if you have already overcome the obstacle, how did you do it and what did you learn from the experience?

In this case, there is no clear obstacle in your path. Rather, the existence of your grandmother portrays you as a selfless person who is willing to give up some of her freedoms for the benefit of someone she loves. Definitely, this essay is not about an obstacle but about a background story of your development as a good person. Since your grandmother is currently living, then your story with her involved in it is still ongoing and unresolved.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

Discuss more about the failure to win the competition. Present the hope you felt after learning you failed to win the competition. Bring the reviewer into your mindset at that time. Were you angry at the results? What did you feel after the results were released. Talk about how that failure helped you to get to know yourself better. I cannot write that part for you because I do not know what and how things transpired at that time for you. You can keep the mention of Mr. Mohamed provided you just mention him as your idol and then don't mention him again until after the loss where he gives you a pep talk. Just always keep the essay on you as the topic. I like the lesson you learned about there not being a real loss in life. It is a unique lesson to learn and I'm sure you will be one of the unique lessons learned.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

The thing is, if you keep his words in the essay, then you are name dropping someone whom you hope the reviewer will be familiar with. That is known as influencing the reviewer. Now, if the reviewer is familiar with Mr. Mohamed, then you are in luck. If he isn't, then you just wasted your word count. Always aim to get the attention of your reviewer using the merits of your own application. The essay is not the only consideration that is used when looking at your application. Your transcript of records will also speak on your behalf. That can actually help you show off your keen interest in science far better than the words of an unknown person. Also, your essay was strong enough even without referring to him because your failure aspect was very clear and the lessons you learned were more than adequate to help with your application.

You need a fresh set of eyes to look at and consider the written work you have here. Staying awake for 3 days to write essays will not do you any good. The essays you will be writing will be far inferior to the ones you could have written after getting adequate sleep. Tell you what, try to take a power nap. Try to sleep for at least 4 hours, then come back and read all the essays that you wrote. I bet that your rested brain will be able to show you some areas for improvement and you will have calmed down enough to have considered some logical changes to the essay.

Undergraduate / College Essay: What inspired you to apply to Union? (Limit: 150 words) [4]

There are a number of discussion points that you can consider for this statement. The first is the liberal arts education offered by the university. There are 21 departments at the university for you to choose your major from. You would be attending the Engineering department right? Mention that major in the response. Then discuss how you were inspired to apply because of the fact that you can have interdepartmental majors, as well as self-designed organizing theme majors. As a future NASA scientist, you would definitely be interested in learning foreign languages at the university because of the potential for you to be assigned to the international space station. Aside from those unique points, you have to figure out what makes their engineering department special and then use that to close the essay. These are some topics that you can consider for your response.

Take out the part about Union being along your top 63 colleges. You don't want the reviewer to think you used an online poll or losing to help you choose a school for college. He doesn't need to know that anyway. Clarify the portion about the telescope. What is it called and why would it be considered an honor for you to use it? You mentioned working alongside the Union professors. Name a few of them you are interested to work with. You can even opt to present an idea of becoming the professor's assistant if given the opportunity to do so. Double check your punctuation. You seem to have missed out on a few period placements in your response. I fully expect your essay response to be ready after you apply these changes and you double check for your grammar errors.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

Ehab, don't concentrate so much on Mr. Mohamed in your essay. He has become the central figure of this essay rather than you and the lesson that you learned. That is a prompt deviation and you will be penalized for it by the reviewer. I can understand your excitement at meeting your hero and getting to work with him somehow, and even, have him offer encouraging words after you lost. However, that is not the prompt requirement. You are supposed to only discuss the relevant information which can display how you learned from your failure. The lesson you learned from failure is clear. The way that you explained how this failure taught you that there are no real losers is something that can resonate with the reviewer, provided that you remove the attention grabbing mentions of Mr. Mohamed in the essay. Never allow the focus of the essay to be removed from you unless it is specified in the prompt. So, you will need to revise the content and presentation of this essay. That is, if you won't mind.

Undergraduate / Additional Information section in Common App CHECK [2]

Ehab. don't use bullet points when writing in this section of your application. It must still be presented in the proper conversational essay form as the other common app prompts. The problem that I can see with this particular presentation of yours is, aside from the problem with the format, you also do not have a clear progression when it comes to discussing your topics. I believe this is because you opted to use bullet points in your presentation.

Go back to the drafting stage. Outline the way that you want to discuss this essay. Which topic is the most important to you? Discuss that in a manner as clear as possible. Then follow up with the minor discussion points from your outline. In my opinion, you should discuss the following topics and nothing more in your essay:

1. The publication of your work in that magazine.
2. How your parents helped prepare you for college and a potential career at NASA.
3. Your extra curricular activities that help to make you a well rounded person .

The aforementioned topics will best suit this open topic prompt since it will allow you to touch on your professional side, your background, and your lighter side. All of which were not discussed in your common app prompt essays.

Undergraduate / College Essay: What inspired you to apply to Union? (Limit: 150 words) [4]

Ehab, sorry to burst your bubble but this 150 word statement doesn't work. It is rushed, does not show any keen interest in the university, and makes it appear that you practically didn't do any research on the special offerings and uniqueness of the university. First up, you need to clearly indicate that your interest in the academic side of the university is purely related to the fact that most of their graduates tend to end up working for NASA. That is the cornerstone of all your applications and should be mentioned as often as possible in this case because you are looking to enter into a specialized field. As such, the reasons you want to apply at Union should reflect your fervent desire to use the university to get into NASA. That means mentioning any classes you can take or programs that you can participate in which have a direct hand in your future career. Think classes in Engineering that will be a stepping stone towards your end game. Talk about the internship programs that might land you a spot learning directly from NASA in the future. Those are the kinds of reasons that would strongly serve as your inspiration to apply at Union. This is just my opinion on your essay. If you feel that you have work done on your current version, then take my opinion as just that, mere suggestions that you may choose not to implement.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

Ehab, I am sorry but I cannot give you my email address. That is against the rules of the forum. I will be more than happy to help you out with your essay here at the forum anytime though. Don't waste any time, just post the essay here right now. I will wait for your new post. We can work on the essay here together. What is the problem with your essay? Is the essay problem related to this existing one or will you have to start a new thread? I'm going to be online for quite a bit of time so now would be the best time for you to get that essay to me. Just tell me what the problem is and I will do my best to help you sort it out. It should not be difficult to do if we work together immediately. I'll be waiting for your essay. Post it as soon as you can.

Writing Feedback / Art Theft in relation to Society's Influence [2]

Ethan, the reason that you have a difficult time developing your closing argument is because your earlier work lacks information. The case comparison should have been the point at which you presented evidence of security negligence or inefficiencies at the museums. Perhaps you should have discussed the existing security measures during the first heist and then developed that to reflect the weakness of the more "modern" security systems in place for the new robbery that took place. These discussions I believe, belong in the Case Evident section.

In the Crime Opportunity portion, you tried to compare the security system of a bank with that of a museum. However, you did not present any actual security system examples. The lack of the security system comparison affected your ability to be able to circle back in your discussion, to the very beginning, middle, then end portion, which would have helped you develop your concluding paragraph. The final conclusion being that due to the lack of interest on the part of the people when it comes to art thievery, security measures will never be enough to protect these priceless paintings and copycat robberies will continue to exist. Mention that it is the lack of security that has caused quite a number of notable paintings to have been stolen and it seems, will never be seen again unless one deals with the art black market or underground / illegal art purchases.

I hope my ideas can help you develop a solid conclusion for your research paper. By the way, this was really interesting to read. I thoroughly enjoyed your work.

Scholarship / Nottingham Trent university (business administration) [10]

Sabrina, you do know that you can save your application form for further updating in the future right? So basically, you have the choice of giving an immediate response in the negative at this time or, you can wait a bit to answer that question until you get acceptance from the universities. You see, while you can apply for Chevening without having any university in mind, meaning you only have an idea of the course or courses you might consider studying, the reality is that your application requires that you have university choices to indicate along with the courses. If you opt for the second option and tell them that you have applied and are awaiting a decision, you will still need to indicate 3 courses and 3 universities in order to complete the form. As for which response will be the correct one or the best for you, that will depend upon you. Whichever response you are comfortable giving will be the right response for you. Unfortunately, I cannot make that decision for you.

Undergraduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR USEFP SEMESTER EXCHANGE PROGRAM [2]

Afreen, the reality of your essay is that it is severely under developed in terms of responding to the 4 points indicated. I am not getting a real feel of your personality in terms of interests and personal development. You need to offer a more intricate representation of yourself on paper. When you speak of your interests and personal development , the first thing you have to present would be information regarding non-academic activities. This aspect of your personality should delve on the civic aspect of your life. Any volunteer activities and hobbies that you enjoy doing would fall under this category because these are the methods by which you develop your personality, intellect, and moral values. All of which are topics that fall under personal development. The discuss your personal development goals in relation to your interest and personal development within this paragraph as these are inter-related discussions.

Your academic objectives should represent a well rounded intention for your learning during the semester exchange program. So that means that you should discuss the methods by which you hope to use your academic time to learn as much as you can during the program. These could include discussions of internships, campus based organizations / clubs that will promote an exchange of learning and ideas in the field of your interest, and any other possible learning activities offered by the school. Your academic objectives are so limited at the moment that it is almost non-existent in the essay. Needless to say, your academic goals should be well represented within this paragraph as well. It is important that you always create a continuity between your past and present academic achievements, with your plans for your future. After all, without the discussion of your past, it will be difficult to understand why you wish to follow a specific future path.

The reasons that you decided to pursue these goals in the US are quite flimsy at this point. It is simplistic in presentation and ideology. You need to develop a better line of reasoning for this paragraph as right now, your reasons presented are elementary at best and unimpressive. Try to look into your desired program a bit deeper. Some research may be involved on your part in terms of being able to better portray your program of study in relation to your plans for Pakistan and your bottom line reason for wishing to pursue this line of study.

Overall, the essay is a good draft. It is composed only of place holders that tell you at what point to discuss particular topics specified by your prompts. It does not deliver in terms of information and requires you to expand your discussion in order to create a more relevant and informative essay based upon the prompt requirements.

Graduate / I feel proud of my creativity. Personal statement for MA advertising [5]

HBY, now I understand how we should direct your essay. Since you can only write one essay for your application, then you should take it upon yourself to write the combination PS and SP. You have the personal essay aspect covered in your essay. So now you have to adjust the content to reflect your statement of purpose. I can see some parts that will already help you cover the SP portion such as the overview of your college education and your experience in the field.

I have a question though. Aren't you working in the field of advertising yet? Are you a college student going directly into a masters degree course? If you are, then we will have a bit of a problem with the statement of purpose as that normally covers your professional requirements in relation with your chosen masters course.

Now, if you already are working for an ad agency, regardless of your position, you should opt to discuss it and portray the idea of how your masters studies will help you advance your career. From that point, you need to thresh out the information as to how the university you have chosen can help you get ahead in the advertising field. Finalize the essay by threshing out your short term career goals upon completing your studies.

Let's see if we can successfully combine these two essays based upon your current essay. If you are going to submit a personal statement, you might as well make it count towards the serious consideration of your application.

Writing Feedback / To find work you love, don't follow your passion. TED 12 How could we choose a fulfilling career? [2]

Nurul, your essay offers incomplete information. You should have included a few sentences about the method of the study, how it was conducted, and what the survey questions asked were that helped the researchers arrive at this conclusion. The organization presentation should have included a background on the company in order to show the reader that the results of the study are coming from a reliable source.

By the way, you should have included the name of the speaker, date of the talk, and the location (if provided). These are necessary information that can help the reader decide upon the validity of the information you are summarizing. More importantly, you should have included a link to the original talk for us to use as a reference point for the information you presented in the essay. Without it, we are unable to double check the information and just have to trust that you actually summarized the video in the right manner.

Writing Feedback / A lot of people want to have a better life and it requires a good amount of educational background [5]

Reimarie, when you write an essay, you need to make sure that your opening statement reflects the important points of discussion in your essay. You must make sure that the discussion topic or the reason that you are writing the essay is something that the reader will easily understand and relate to. For example, in your opening statement, you indicated that it is easy to attain education these days due to the various types of schools available. However, there is no clear discussion point for the essay. The discussion point should be something similar to the following:

... face to face school. Even though these avenues of education are readily available to anyone who wishes to complete a college education, not everyone is aware that these types of schools exist. Most importantly, they don't realize that it is easier than ever for someone to find a school that meets his talents, interests, and abilities. This essay will compare the different types of schools and the kinds of students that potentially, opt to study in the institution.

By strengthening your opening statement, you end up created a better, more interesting, and highly informative discussion within the succeeding paragraphs of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Study of Sociology Aspects of Art Theft [7]

Hi Ethan ! Thank you so much for the compliments. I am so happy that I was able to help you better write your essay. Don't worry about using the work that I gave as an example. Go ahead and use as much of it, or as little of it as you want. Anything I can do to help you out. I hope that you can come back to have us review your essay. I have a feeling that it will be much better now that you fully understand what you have to do with the essay. More importantly, you now know how to improve your presentation and content.

You will need to come up with the original thesis statement yourself though. That should not be too difficult if you will base the thesis statement on the example I provided. You just have to fill in the blanks after the ellipses I wrote. I'm here to help you in case you need help with the development of that aspect of the essay. Just sound the help alarm and I'll be here as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

Ehab, you made mention of the fact that the NASA website has a portion called "NASA Space Apps" which is designed to pose questions that participants have to respond to within 48 hours right? That is the question I am talking about having you add to the essay. After all, you indicated that you joined the competition with some other engineers as a team. So what was the problem you were working on? What was the solution that took all of 4 minutes to create? The response to these questions will help you better explain the part that you lost just because your response was theoretical and the other team was theoretical and hardware in response. That makes the failure clearer and conditional. It appears that you lost simply on a technicality. I hope I was able to explain the question and the guide questions clearly to you. Please don't hesitate to ask if you need further clarification.

Scholarship / Nottingham Trent university (business administration) [10]

No, it should not be a problem. However, you should make sure that you have already applied to these universities and are awaiting their decision regarding your acceptance. Once you hear from them regarding your application for admission, you should then go to the Chevening site and make sure to update your information regarding your masters degree course acceptance status. You can update your information anytime. That is a requirement. Remember, the scholarship needs to know that you have been accepted to a university before your application can go any further. It will help if you can tell them that you have gained acceptance into your first choice school at the very least. I hope you have applied for the schools already. The decision regarding your admission is imperative to your scholarship application. I wish you the best of luck getting into your school of first choice.

Undergraduate / I had always been infatuated with animated cartoon shows - USC Cinematic Arts Personal Statement [10]

In most regular essays, the closing statement is approached as a recap of the whole essay. A summary if you will, because you want to remind the reviewer of the important points you made about the prompt in the end. However, in the case of a personal statement, you can go in the opposite direction. If you want to add some important information to the concluding statement, which will not need to be fully developed in the explanation phase, then you can add that information there. The concluding statement needs to end the essay on a strong note and offer a memorable closing argument for your application. What information it will present, it all up to you as the writer of the essay. I can help you assess the quality of your new concluding statement if you would like me to. I can read the new conclusion when you upload your revised essay.

Undergraduate / My mom is always there for me. The Person Who Changed My Life. [2]

Hannah, hats off to you for choosing your mom for the center of this essay. She sounds like a great woman and a fantastic cheerleader. However, I think that you need to think of someone who is farther related to you than your mother. You see, being the child of your biological mother, it is her duty to help you improve your life. She was tasked with that responsibility the day you were born. Now, if you can tell me that you were adopted by this woman whom you call your mother, then the essay will just need to be adjusted to reflect that information and then it will become a perfect response to the prompt requirement. Right now, there will be number of you who will actually choose one of the two parents as a response to this essay. So you have to try and think about someone else for this response. Someone who was not duty bound to change your life and yet he or she decided to do that. Think of someone in your life who has taken on the role of a mentor for you. This person who is teaching you something about life that your mother would not have the time to do so. Who is this non-related person whom you listen to and whose advice you follow because you know your life will change for the better when you follow it? That is the person whom you should write about in this essay. Your mother, is like a safe, go-to response that will be submitted by many student applicants to the reviewer. If you want your essay to stand out from the pile, you will do well to pick someone else in response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

Go right ahead and use it. I won't mind at all. Just remember that you will need to adjust the rest of the paragraph to better fit the new sentences that you will be adding. If you can, try to insert some of your own words into the paragraph. You can opt to reword the current paragraph that you have to better merge with the statement I wrote for you. Try to include some sentiments about astronomy and information about the question that you answered as part of the contest. It just occurred to me that you were not able to include that question in the essay. Since you won your division, you should be sure to include the question and a summary of the solution your team developed. That way the reviewer will be able to judge for himself if you truly had a winning chance and only failed on a technicality or not. It just might help your essay if we slant that part of of your statement in a particular way.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #8-What sets you apart? Rough draft-notepad and italy [3]

Annika, it is my opinion that you should rethink the content of your essay. It is currently more of a self description that a discussion of what sets you apart as a person should not be a descriptive essay of an eccentricity. It should instead, be something memorable about you that helps people to remember you as a unique individual. Think of how people would describe you to others if they are asked about you. What is the most memorable thing about you as a person? Usually, the thing that makes people remember you is what sets you apart from other people. So try to think in those terms. You can ask your friends to help you develop this essay by helping you pick your most unique character trait or personality which is not normally seen in other people. Try to think out of the box in this instance. Your uniqueness should be something that allows you to stand out in a crowd. So, ask yourself, what is it about you that people remember the most when they meet you? That is going to be your response to this prompt.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

Ehab, you can make the opening statement sound more interesting and engrossing if you wish to. You can make simple adjustments to the paragraph presentation that should help to excite the reviewer upon reading the paragraph. My suggestion is that you revise your opening statement to something similar to the following:

Each night, I would gaze up at the starlit sky and wonder why those burning rocks were so out of reach. Wasn't there anything I could to reach it from Earth? Save for joining the Mars mission, I knew that I had a piped dream when it came to my ability to achieve milestones in space. Then, one night, as I gazed at the NASA website on my tablet from the comfort my front yard, the stars seemed to have handed me the answer to fulfilling my dreams. Across the screen were the words " NASA Space Apps"...

Such an adjustment to the opening statement would help to shorten the reading requirement before getting to the point in your essay. It will bring the contest upfront and allow you to move immediately to the relevant information and discussion based on the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / The club ignited the fire in me to embrace my individuality - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [9]

Avipsha, you can definitely mention your response to the scenario as part of your concluding paragraph. Normally, the essay should be developed in the manner that the prompt presents. Since this question was given at the end of the prompt, the response should also be given at the end of the essay. Now, whether it will be an elaborate paragraph that details how you would respond to the same scenario in the future or not is actually up to you. A simple statement at the end, that sounds like you are reflecting on the past event and considering how you would respond to a similar scenario in the future should be enough to properly conclude the essay. Just remember that your response to the future scenario should have a personal touch to it as well.

Undergraduate / I had always been infatuated with animated cartoon shows - USC Cinematic Arts Personal Statement [10]

Mia, I hope you will not be angry at me for making the following suggestion. Use the closing paragraph that you have now as your opening statement. It is a truly strong and informative paragraph that more than summarizes the responses you have to the questions posed by the prompt. If the reviewer fails to read your whole essay for some reason, the mere reading of this opening statement will already tell him all that he needs to know. Don't waste that sentiment and information by saving it for the last part of the essay. Make use of it where it can be most effective for your application, at the start of the essay.

My idea, for the revision of your essay is to make it seem more personal and less technical. If you bring up your closing statement to the opening paragraph, you immediately create that personal interest that is all too important in these sorts of essays. From there, I suggest that you omit the current second paragraph because you are saying the same thing in the current 3rd paragraph, but in a softer and more personal tone. By removing the redundancy in statements, you further enhance the personal connection of your response to the prompt.

You might need to develop a new closing statement in order to tie up the discussion. I believe that your essay will come across as stronger if we follow this new format for your paper. I can help you develop a new closing statement if need be.

Scholarship / Nottingham Trent university (business administration) [10]

Sabrina, I am not sure about what you are trying to ask me here. I understand that the Chevening scholarship does consider your application regardless of whether you have admission to a university already or not. They are asking you to explain the types of admission to the university that you have been offered. This will help them in deciding which university they will be approving for your attendance. Do you have any admissions in order for the universities you mentioned? If you do, then respond yes to each question that is applicable to your application. Inform them of which university has given you and unconditional acceptance. That is your priority course and university. The conditional acceptances should be your second and third choices. You should only update the information your application if you already have some sort of acceptance pending at any of the universities you have chosen. If you don't have any acceptance yet, then don't respond to that portion of the application. Leave that in the hands of the scholarship committee for a final decision.

Undergraduate / The club ignited the fire in me to embrace my individuality - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [9]

Avipsha, this is a very good revision. It is detailed in letting the reviewer know about the difficulties you faced the minute you expressed a desire to change your college major. The way that you overcome the resistance from your parents is something that most college bound students have to deal with and the way you handled it was quite impressive. Now, for the single shortcoming of your essay. There is a portion in the prompt that asks you if you would still make the same decision if you are faced with a similar situation in the future. I did not see any response to that question within your essay. While I can almost guess what you response will be to that question, the reviewer will not have the time to second guess your response. So you have to be very specific and lay out the answer, in written form to that question. Once you properly develop your response to the hypothetical scenario, the essay should be all set for use.

Graduate / I feel proud of my creativity. Personal statement for MA advertising [5]

HBY, I am wondering if you are being required to write a statement of purpose for your application aside from a personal statement? The reason I am asking is because there is a strong possibility of information duplication within the two essays, which should be avoided at all cost. You see, a personal statement should reflect your personal interest in the degree course you are interested in. Discuss its development and the immediate reason you feel that an MA course is required at this point in your career. That should be the focal point of the essay. Currently, the essay you have written is a cross between a personal statement and a statement of purpose. Now, some universities combine the two in one paper, which might be the case in this instance. If it is a combination paper then the content is proper and only additional information is required to perfect the content of the paper. If it is not a combination paper, then you have to remove specific information that belongs in a statement of purpose. Please advise as to which type of essay you are writing so that I can advise you properly.

Undergraduate / What can you bring on board - Calvin College [3]

Bless, you have a pretty good overview of the activities that you plan to participate in while at Calvin. Your previous academic, spiritual, and community engagements are really nice to read about. However, you are constantly speaking in past tense in your essay. What you need to do is connect the past activity with the future activity. That means you should explain the past activity and then find the proper organization at Calvin to mention in the essay in relation to the activity. The idea being that you are already conscious about the activities that you can participate in and that you are looking forward to joining specific Calvin organizations in order to gain the experience that you crave.

For the community aspect, try to find a civic group at the university that you share some things in common with. These organizations will allow you to project the kind of future community participant you will be while at Calvin. You could even suggest that you will continue the work you did in Ghana by establishing a branch of the YPG at Calvin in an effort to promote solidarity and cultural learning / understanding among students.

Also, I agree with AvR, you should develop your idea about joining the sports team as a separate paragraph. That is still considered community participation but deals with a different side so it should be a stand alone paragraph.

Undergraduate / I have lost in a competition, but I have won many things - IMP: Astronomy - Common App Essay [18]

Ehab, the essay is good enough for your application. It is really lighthearted reading that engages the reader and entices him to keep on reading. Just to find out what the point and ending of your story is. Speaking of the point of your story, you should think about revising the introduction to become shorter and more related to your experience. There is no need to offer the reviewer a history story about Egypt and astronomy. Unlike me, an ordinary reader, the reviewer can only offer you a few minutes of his time to review your essay. So your opening statement should be a killer statement, that relates directly to your narrative. Don't waste his time, just get to the point as soon as you can. You can start with 'For an astronomy obsessed person like me..." instead. This takes the reviewer directly into your narration without skipping a beat. By the way, don't use all caps and exclamation points in your essay. That is considered rude in academic settings and could make the reviewer think that you are shouting at him. Just keep it simple. You will be better appreciated for it.

Undergraduate / The club ignited the fire in me to embrace my individuality - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [9]

Since I am asking you to revise the content in a certain way, the answer to your question about content is no, you need to work a bit more on it in order to improve it. My suggested revisions should help you achieve that. The sentence structure and grammar are sound. That means that it delivers a clear statement about what you wish to say through the essay. In these common app essays, the grammar is not as important as the delivery of the message. That is because you need to be true to yourself in your written interview, which is represented by the essay apps. So, while your English may not be perfect and there may be some problems with your sentence structure, you are still able to express yourself in an understandable manner. I would not worry about those presentations at the moment. It is the content that you need to make sure you deliver on first.

Undergraduate / Discipline your emotions, or they will use you - Common app Prompt 2 [6]

Bharat, you need to change your story totally. It would be in your best interest if you show a failure that portrays a change in mindset for you. This particular story, specially since it involves a portion about you being spanked by your mother, just doesn't work. It doesn't work because you sound like a 5 year old child who ran away from home because he got hurt by the spanking. That is not what the reviewer wants to see. What we need to see in your essay is a sense of maturity. An example of how you became a better person because of a failure that you encountered. For example, maybe you were part of an activity where you were assigned a task that you were unable to complete and as such, the whole team failed. How did that affect the way you were treated by others? How did you feel after you realized you had failed the team? What moral lesson did you learn based upon the results of your actions? Those are some of the guidelines by which you should be developing your essay. Find that failure that helped you become a better person. Don't opt for a story that shows your actions to be similar to that of a petulant child. That is not the way to win over the reviewer in this instance.