Research Papers / Rough draft of alternative treatment plans for children diagnosed with ADHD [3]

Jennifer, I did about 5 research before yours and sad to say you share the same predicament as the others.

Here's what I can share.
The introduction, as simple as it is to understand, the introduction should be a paragraph that will introduce your readers to your research paper, a background of what the study is and it's purpose. Your introduction should be able to highlight the reason behind the study and making sure that it is going to start smoothly and progress from there.

Your citation can be modified further by adding the page number of the book or the material where you fetch your information, keep the facts and work from this facts, remember the more facts you can gather, the stronger your essay is. Depending on the facts you gathered is also the best practice to avoid any questions, now and in the future.

Use of words and it's meaning, when doing such scientific and clinically based research, it would help if you can define the words and break them in lay-mans terms in order to help your panel understand and better grasp your research.

Well, I hope my insights help.

Research Papers / Abolishment of the death penalty - 8th amendment from the Bill of Rights does not mention it [5]

Isabella, I'd like to share my insights on your paper.

Strength of your paper
- written well
- paragraph and overall presentation is precise
- overall word use is great

the weak side
- introduction started on a lot of jumbled ideas
- citation, examples, facts and figures are not solid enough to strengthen the credibility of the research
- as much as your opinion as a researcher / author of the paper is adding a personal note on this research,
you have to keep the overall essay strong and make your paper speak then you insert your personal view of the matter
- not being able to justify the research is not good especially because, remember, with the advent of technology, anybody can look up and search for any research and if they caught up with yours and you happen to have idea, entirely different from what it's suppose to, then that spells trouble.

Anyhow, I don't mean that you have to re-do the entire essay but add facts to your paper and that should do it.

Essays / How do I start an "A" essay on,"Is lying wrong or sometimes right." [8]

Mary, this is easy, do / answer the following and I can assure you, you will come up with a well written essay.

- what is lying
- why do people lie
- what are the pros and cons of lying
- giving our day to day living, what justifies lying as the best strategy to success
- at the first sight of unforeseen situation should you retreat to lying as a solution
- if so, why

Lastly, what is your take on this prompt, should lying be a good idea or just pretend that this doesn't exist.

Mary, as soon as you start writing, remind yourself to be objective and be ready for constructive criticisms as you pos it here on EF, we are here to help.

Research Papers / How are Arizona's children being affected by low state funding education levels? [3]

Jose, your research is by far the longest and the clearest research I have read, KUDOS on that!!!
You have written it in a way that a normal reader will definitely understand the message that you want to send across, more so the study that you made has a great relevance to today's issues. Sad but true and this is not happening only in Arizona but to majority of places all over the world.

Issues with education, the funding, the members of the faculty, wage claims and a lot more, never ending list of issues that just piles up everyday, without a doubt, the government is doing every effort to alleviate this pressing issue but the effort is not enough much less effective.

Going back to your paper, the citation can be improved by adding the page number of the information gathered from the author or the book and the source as a whole, what it does is it helps the credibility of the research and it extends your gratitude to the authors for working in part on your study.

Lastly, before submitting your paper, do another round of reading, I mean, I don't see any polishing to do, however it will help if you do the last review and this way you are sure that you have covered all your basis, oh, it will help if you can add a couple of sentences about your personal view of the issue to add a personal touch.

Research Papers / Alternative Methods to the Traditional Therapy "What Is There To Talk About" [3]

Stacie, I'm afraid I have to agree that your research needs a little bit of revision and the following;

- introduction needs a lot more facts and basic information about the research, this is the part that will spark a conversation about your research but with how you put it out in the introduction it's quiet weak.

- the research paper is about the discovery or the re-enforcement of findings, analyzed data and facts that we know today, this also needs to be in the introduction

- next is the basis of your research, you used the words, "controversy", which is like rumors and views or points of people with no direct collaboration in the field of study or research that you are writing about, this doesn't leave much credibility to your study and therefore doesn't make it strong

- the flow of your paragraph and overall paper is not very smooth, it lacks the transition from one idea to the other.

- citation can be in-context, where you write the cited party as part of the paper and write them again in the end of the paper, this way you don't just say thank you for their help in your thesis, this is also showing the value of their work.

Lastly, it will help to write your personal opinion on this issue in the last paragraph to add a personal effect on your paper.

Essays / If your did not get this scholarship, what are your plans for the next four years. 300-400words [4]

Yankey, here on EF we help a lot of students get through the same situations like yours,
now, I have a few guidelines that will get you moving with your scholarship essay.

- create an introduction that will highlight who you are as a person
- what motivates you
- how does your day look like
- what are your strength / weakness / hopes / dreams and ultimate goal in life
- next paragraph
- answer the question, what if you didn't make it to the list of the scholarship grant
- what would you do, back up plan will be a great help in cases like this
- what are your second, third or maybe fourth university or college of choice
- would you change your course of interest
- if so, what would it be

Lastly
- give your essay that right attitude of optimism, always hope for the best
- if so, what do you possess that will be a great addition to the institution and how will you carry the name of the institution you belong

Yankey, this are just a few guidelines that I believe will get you started, once you have a draft, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Letters / Letter of Reccomendation for Education Master Program - on behalf of my Professor [8]

Hi Alfisa, I'd like to help out with your letter.

- It is my pleasure toI am writing with pleasure in recommending Fadlila for admission to your graduate program.
- I'm impressed bywith her skills
- and her fortitude in the social science field, particularly inof elementary school education.

- qualityqualities by constantly
- kept herkeeping excellent grades

- Her prominent traits areShe's enthusiastic, ingenuous,
- and exceptionally dedicated as an education learnereducator .

- FadlilaShe also has a promising writing skills
- and in overall good communication skills as well.

I highly recommend her very highly and please feel free to contact me for any further information.

Alfisa, it's quiet long and as much as I don't doubt that your recommendation is genuine, I believe you have said so much about the student to the point that you lost the idea that she is gunning for a Master's degree and not just another course in college.

Try to add a sentence or couple about her professional capacity and credibility as a future member of the faculty.

Research Papers / Stop the killing of dogs in shelters [3]

Theresa, indeed, your research paper is a rough draft, there is still a few improvements that can be done to make it stronger and more informative.

I'd like to share my thoughts with you.

- clearly state the purpose of the research, this should be covered in the introduction,like writing a normal essay
- fact and figures, citations and examples, this will help boost the credibility of your study, so work it further towards gaining probable insights on your research

- word meanings, not everyone is aware of such horrendous acts in dog shelters or animal shelters in general and it would help if you will be able to elaborate your words further to level up with normal comprehension

- pros and cons, this should be discussed in the body of the research or allot a dedicated paragraph or two and write about the pros and cons euthanasia and the effects it has with the animals around as well with the people taking care of the animals in the shelter

- your citations are written well in the end of the paper, that's good

Finally, add a paragraph, writing about your personal opinion on the pressing issue, remember to be very objective in doing so.

I hope this insights help you to further modify your research paper.

Research Papers / Adverse Childhood Experiences Effecting the Workforce [4]

Lean, with all the other EF contributors who reviewed your research paper, I agree that it does need a little bit of improvement.

You tend to focus on issues definitely related to your research however, do not waste a paragraph of writing about the same idea and not elaborating it properly.

Create a mainstream of your study and work it out from there. The following paragraphs after your introduction are great and has a smooth transition to the sequence of ideas to follow though, this construction should be consistent all through out the paper and not to get stuck in one aspect.

Citation and examples, facts and figures, gathering all this information are very essential to your paper and you did a great job on this, this are crucial information that if not gathered correctly will leave a very negative note on your paper.

Also, for future writing,it would be great if you can incorporate personal opinion, thoughts and ideas to better the current situation of the subject at hand.

Overall, you have written a well structured paper, I wish you good luck and keep writing1

Graduate / 'disaster preparedness and infectious diseases' - Environmental health at U of M personal statement [6]

Chika, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay, at least for the last two paragraphs.

- We organiz ed group counsellingcounseling sessions

- During my 18month( no need to specify timeline ) internship at the UC hospital,
- but from "preventive" approacheslearnedheard via rumors,

- Environmental health at U of M appeals to me becauseas its faculty researches
- to someday( your futuristic approach should be coupled with optimism) work on
- I have first-hand experience ofon environmental factors that
- I am therefore, confident that I have a wealth

Well, Chika, that's about it for me, not much corrections really, you have a well written essay and you have justified the purpose os your prompt.

For future reference, refrain from adding verbs that connotes negative insights, this might affect the overall message of your essay.

Research Papers / Fighting For An immigration Reform [3]

Miriam, after going through your paper, here's my thoughts;

- the paper is written pretty well
- paragraphing it and the overall presentation may still need improvement
try to put a little bit more space after each paragraph, I'm not sure if this is just how you present it
when posting here on EF but be sure to create a space like a breather for the reader, more so
for the defense panel who needs to go through your paper thoroughly
- grammar and sentence construction can be enhanced as well however it's already written good
- citation, I'm not sure of you consider the open and close parenthesis (...), a citation already because when you
do citation you have to include the necessary information.
- page number
- book or manual or the origin of the material matter of facts of course
- author and accreditation if you have is way better to be included
You do have it written at the end of the essay but it would be best if you can incorporate it already
in the paper.

As what I mentioned, overall the research paper justifies it's purpose, all you have to now is to have other EF contributors to share more

insights that will help you out in enhancing the paper further.

Undergraduate / Northwestern attracts me with its dynamic biology program and renowned professors - Pers. Statement [3]

- First and foremostof all , Northwestern
- attractsinterest me with its dynamic
- I am deeply interestedintrigued in biology,
- I am fascinated by biology because we are essentially embodiments of biology in our most basic state.What fascinates me is the fact that every bit of us speaks Biology

- Northwestern is a clear choice for medecision made .

- I am excited atwith the thought of being able
- Operation Smile, Alternative Student Breaks and Peace Project specifically interest mein particular is my activity of choice .
- There are simply an abundance of groups that intrigue my interestme .
- I hope to join some of these student organizations and become an impactfuleffective member.

- {indented} With Northwesterns top-notch quality inof both academic and non-academic
- university whichthat would perfectly suit my interestsperspectives and would be an experience that I would cherish for the rest of my life.

Undergraduate / ¨In the Face of Adversity...¨-VCU CommonApp Essay [5]

- As co-president of my school's gay-straight alliance, Spectrum, we,
- The other co-president and I along with several members
- including weekends, we had finally finished
- Stress levels mounted until the other co-president
- forto me, it was never about
- The experience of working and getting to know andas well as help others
- on a personal level and having fun doing so, served as a reward in itself.

James, above are my corrections on your essay, hopefully it helped.
On a personal note, indeed there's no shame in walking out from responsibilities when you are drowning
with stress already, it doesn't help staying in a program when you are just pretending you can do something when you can't do anything at all.

I wish you the best of luck!

Essays / Application Essay: personal information which may include exceptional hardships, challenges, etc. [3]

Dani, I agree with Louisa, you pretty much have an idea of what to write already, all you have to do is formulate the introduction, like how it will sound structure wise and with a good flow towards the body of the letter that will elaborate the purpose of your essay.

Your dedication to working hard and achieving goals with your moms motivation may sound very common, however, the difference lies on how you will illustrate this in your writing.Remember to write objectively, as much personal as you want to write your essay, it's fine so long as you keep the mainstream of your essay to it's purpose.

Lastly, since part of this prompt asks you to write about your contribution to the diverse community you are about to be part of, cite examples of activities you did in the previous institution or the community you belong and incorporate it in UTSA's practice, culture and standards. Having said that, keep a balanced approach on your writing in order to establish your credibility and capability as a student more so as a great addition to UTSA.

I hope to see your essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Graduate / 'Business and mathematics have been in my life always' - Imperial College Master for Finance essay [4]

Estefa, I'd like to share my insights to your essay.

- guided by the environmental trends and making predictions.
- I makemade the decision to apply
- for Master in Finances at Imperial College
- because the curriculum contents combines areas
- about I feelthat I am very passionate about such as
- As well, I would be pleasedI am dignified to pursue a program
- honor to take classeswork with professors who
- havea broad experienceseasoned in the financial sector such as Walter Distaso and Dr. Lara Cathcart.

- Business and mathematics havehas always been in my life always .
- soand they taught me that everything in the life is a business and a science,
- and that I should win everything for my merits.
- My own kind of business as a child was if I gotis when I get a good grade
- in kindergarten my parents would be happy,
- soand I might receive their congratulations and get a candy on the weekend.
- I got to know the value of money and in this sense mathematics was my alliedally .

- and studious girleager to learn, that despite of my short age in that moment , I had big goals.
- At school I competed in math Olympiads
- At the moment, I am currently working in a consulting company as a Financial Consultant focused on business strategy, financial and management controls areas, assessing banking and energy sectors and enterprises.

- I daily work assessing financial risk by usingwith programing and financial tools.

Estefa, this are my initial remarks for your essay. I did find it a little difficult to understand due to the fact that what transpired on your essay is a direct English narration of your mother tongue and not how you express it in English, however difficult, there is always a room for improvement and practice writing is definitely a great helper. I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Graduate / My involvement in CO2 capture research - SOP for PhD in Chemical Engineering [2]

Hi Tsai, I'd like to help out in your essay.

1st paragraph
- I have always enjoyed studying chemical engineering and been actively engaged in endeavors toactivities that ( as much as you want to use big words on your research, using conversational words does help as well ) exploit the role of this discipline in environmental protection.

- that equipping the plant withhaving a local exhaust
- application of chemical engineering to a more tangible environmental problems.

2nd paragraph
- This research experience would motivated me to dig deep into CO2 capture technologies.

3rd paragraph
- Failures in the experiments happen,...

Final paragraph
- For example,W ith an average global temperature increasing by 1℃,
- Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering will affordbe able to provide me ample opportunity

Tsai, I must say, you're essay is very engaging, believe me, I'm not a big fan of engineering and science in general but you talked me through it by writing a very informative and knowledge driven essay. The remarks that I made are very minor and done in a manner to enhance your essay and make it stronger.

Scholarship / The Proportion of overseas students graduated from universities in different Canadian provinces [3]

- A comparison of the number of the proportion
- is illustrated byin the bar chart.
- students graduated washas dominated in...

- Predominantly, the graduate
- Next, Nova Scotia and British Columbia

Hasbi, I must say that you have analyzed and presented the data properly, however, for future reference I would suggest that you keep a wrap up idea of the overall analysis in the end of the essay rather than having them in the beginning and then again in the end of the essay.

I hope my remarks did help in enhancing your analysis and your essay as a whole and also, mind the words you use when you refer to the time frame, such as the timeline when the graph and the records were taken as well as the words you use to denote such information, otherwise, it's a well written analysis and good luck!

Writing Feedback / The Citizens Obstacle to Change Their Living in A Novel Place in Three Problems [3]

HI Devi, I'd like to share my insights on your analysis.

- The bar chart re presents the citizens obstacles
- when they changemove to live abroad in
- a novelmore suitable place and there are problem
- matters that are based on their age,
- such as having friends, obtaining living placefacilities and understanding the local tongue.

- InWith the young
- However, the fewest problem in finding companion is on people over
- 55 years old at 23 percent, while people inof 34 to 54 years old get difficulty
- only at thirty-six percent.

- It is clearly seen that the people over
- 55 are totally complicated to conceiveconverge with diverse languangelanguage which is in 54%.
- In contrast, the youngest people are easier to comprehend aboutOn the contrary,young ones are learning the local language andbut they get the lowest level at 29%.

- Nevertheless , different with

- Ultimately, the all age people has almost the same problem in some parts, but the oldest group experience understanding language as difficult case which get much largest level than the others.the older the person becomes, the harder it is to grasp the changes they face in living abroad.

Devi, you tend to write like how you say it in your native tongue, this is direct translation that is very common to people who are not native in speaking English, in order to refrain from doing such, practice English as much as you can, read and write in English, this way you will be able to enhance this abilities.

Essays / The Origins of Capitalism? Need help with Essay Thesis [2]

Dave, I believe that there is a student here on EF who is also working on this essay of the ideology of Karl Marx, in order to come up with a well written and strong essay, first things first;

- research, take a little bit of data gathering and information to support your essay
- the topic that you have, Origins of Capitalism, is rather a broad and in depth analysis of capitalism
- incorporating the idea and origins of capitalism with that of the German ideology is quiet a sensitive topic so be very objective in your essay

Having said that, do a healthy comparison of your draft, when you have one, with that of the other students, this should give you some insights to make your essay better.

Lastly, write your opinion, remember to be objective, on the subject matter and what you think of capitalism in general.

I wish to see your essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Research Papers / Denial of a Fathers' Rights and the Negative Effects [4]

Shauna, as I review your essay, first things first.

- paper presentation will help the readers follow through your essay if you present the paper in a well defined paragraph,
they will not see it as a paper full of eye sore information but an informative research paper worth reading

- grammar wise, it's fine, fine because you have tendencies of transpiring your ideas directly unto your writing like how we do when we are talking to someone.

- the information, facts and figures and citation on your research is done in a manner that is required to justify the purpose of the essay

Overall, your essay is written pretty well and a few modification on the construction, paragraph and the total presentation of your essay and you should be able to submit the research to get ready for the defense.

On a personal note, parents lack of devotion to their kids will leave a bitter childhood that is very crucial in a persons development, I'm speaking from experience, not mine but I know a few with such dilemma that eventually led them to just forget that their parents exist or that it's possible to have a complete happy family, however true, life must go on.

Letters / Formal Letter to my local council [3]

Juan, let me give you a direct remark in writing a letter.

Lucena, Córdoba
10th November 2015

November 10,2015
Lucena Cordoba
Town Planning Department
Town Hall ( it will help if you can put the address of the town hall )

Dear Sir or/ Madam,

I am writing to file a complain about the conditions of my street in (name of street ) (Benamejí).
It has not been repaired for years and all the neighbours are disappointed with this situation.

First of all, someFew years ago, all the streets around the block were fixed and their conditions improved.
My street, which was getting worse bywith the constructions, did not get any improvement at all .

To make matters worse, during these years, most of the streets around mineours ( you are speaking on behalf of the neighborhood ) have been closed and the vehicles have been crossing by myour street.

This has damaged even more the conditions of the street even more and the wheels of the vehicles.
In addition, by theto this conditions, it is really annoying to hearing the sound of the vehicles.

I strongly urge you to reconsider the idea of fixing myour street.
I trustam confident that you will dealtake action with this issue and I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfullyBest regards ("your's faithfully", is written to someone you love ) ,
Juan García.

There you have it Juan, keep this as a formal guide in writing letters for your future reference. The errors on your sentences lies mainly in your grammar and the lack of linking verb usage that would complete the sentences.

Undergraduate / I read the question and my face tightened when I saw the one word that stood out to me: FAMILY. [3]

Vivian, aside from the fact that the transition of the essay is very smooth, I must say that you were also able to write your essay with no pressure.

Reading your essay is like reading a story that has a meaning and a dream that is definitely fulfilling.

I'd like to share my thoughts on your grammar and make the necessary corrections if there's any.

- I really am truly grateful to have been
- Growing up, I was taught to be selfless and to always put other first before myself.

- That'sThis is the kind of people my parents are.
- No matter how busy they are, they always put infind time for me.

- I certainly know for certain that I want
- to have a career in betteringto better the lives of others.
- Never in my life have I considered being anythinganybody ( anything is to refer to a thing, anybody is for a person) else, but a doctor.

- I want to become someone who people can come tothat people can count on when they need help.
- I want to have the honor of having people entrusting me with theirbe the trustee of peoples saddest and happiest moments.
- As a doctor, I can heal people. I can make them feel better-I can make them feel happier. No matter how difficult it is to become a doctor, I believe that if you have a dream and a passion for something( becoming a doctor is not just "something", you are going to become a life saver and that's not just something ) , the outcome is worth all the blood and sweat you put into it.

There you have it Vivian, I added a few words and phrases in your essay, for future reference, avoid writing in direct translation, this is when your mother tongue tends to dictate what you think and it transpires to your writing. Practice writing more will help you develop your writing skills.

Undergraduate / 'The humiliation you may feel' - Personal Statement- My background [4]

Minju, if it's not too late, I'd like to share my insights on the last two paragraphs of your essay.

- During these years, my life revolved around me trying to hide
- my problemsissues instead of coming to terms with it.
- was at an all-time low at all time until around seventh grade,
- untilwhen I met Anna.
- not care about me for my physical traits.
- The only trait that mattered about mewasis my personality.
- and that most people will not even pay them any mindattention .

- great the impact of one's actions could have on another's life: positively and negatively.
- The hurtful comments and gestures that my classmates said, for them, might just
- Because of theseThis events, I always try to keep intaught me to be
- mindful of the outcomesof my words and gestures might have on someone else .
- who, on the outside may look fine, but on the inside,may look physically fine but are suffering inside .
- Because of this, I learned to become a more understanding person and strive to become a person like my friend,
- a person who shoneshowed me a new light on me .

Minju,this are the corrections I made to enhance your essay, it's really a lot of work and trying to understand how you create your sentences and find sense out of it, however, there's always a room for improvement, review the English language rules, mind the verb forms, your word usage as well the sentence construction.

Undergraduate / Why UChicago? It will challenge me, kick my ass, drain me, and destroy me. [2]

Camila, I'd like to help you out with the first two paragraphs of your essay.

1st paragraph
- a constant e scape from the bliss of ignorance, and the
-why can't I enjoy a simple life full of careless sets of actions?
- Because isWell, it's wrong, and instead
- So let's us live in freedom!, being aware
- knowing what's wrong and making it right for once and for all,
- using our resources to the full of its potential, because otherwise it would be a pitiful waste.

2nd paragraph
- At UC hicago this is a living principle,
- people are eager to know, tothey talk about ideas and theories,
- learning the theoretical orand practical understanding
- spending your time watching documentaries like "Cowspiracyconspiracy ( be very careful with your spelling, in this sentence the effect of a misspelled word is very heavy as you depict a serious issue, I dig deeper and this documentary is indeed worth watching) " or "Winter on Fire:

There you have it Camila, please find my remarks above.

Undergraduate / "Failure Is Inevitable" - College Personal Essay [8]

Kierre, you basically have only 20 words spot to complete the 650 word count.
Out of the idea above, please find my revision below.

Shortly after this failure,I gathered my strength and volunteered to the team, this way I can show my dedication and undying support, this action paid of in the end.

This is my idea of the 2 paragraphs, this sentence consist of 30 words, in excess of 10 words right?, yes, but this is the most that I can do, otherwise the sentence will not make sense anymore. I'm sure there is always a way to cut the previous sentences and insert this one full sentence as part of your concluding paragraph.

The sad thing about word count is the restriction to come up with a more elaborate and detailed essay, however, there is always something to be done to make up with the word count that will not affect the message of the essay.

I hope my insights help.

Scholarship / Answers to the Mandela Washington fellowship for young leaders [5]

Final remarks for your essay.

Question 3:Describe the role you play in your community. Outside of your professional work, what do you do to improve your community? (100 words)

Answer:I have been working for several months now with Kgomotso Center,a place where Orphans learn different life skills to conquer life., for a couple of months now.

- The Kgalagadi area is marred with poverty and lack of education, andthus unemployment
- opportunities they can find in media sector .
- I also donate clothes to'm also involve in donation drives for these underprivileged children.

Question 4:Where do you see yourself professionally in 10 years? How will the Mandela Washington Fellowship help you meet your goals? (100 words)

Answer: I'm a journalist with already years of hands-on experience
- in different areas of reportingbroadcasting .
- My experience in reporting on different issues ranging from poverty,
- women empowerment,politics has prepared me to one day have a bigger platform one day,
- I believe that a talk show will accord
- my community the opportunity to advance and discuss issues and they canthat cannot be addressed in different venue . - This fellowship offers onean individual the opportunity to

- meet with people who can offer you valued advice,which i will need tothat will be relevant to start on the talk show.

Mammusi, this are the final remarks for your essay, I'm glad that I can help.

Undergraduate / Core Curriculum and location within the heart of New York - Columbia Supplment Essay: Why Columbia?? [3]

Minju, I'd like to help you out with your essay.

- What do I find appealing about Columbia? A better question to ask would be: What does not appeal to me about Columbia?I suggest deleting this part of the essay, as quirky as it may sound, it sounds like your mocking the one's who formulated the question or like questioning how they phrase the question, so be careful.

- up to new subjects that I have not been exposed to before.
- Through Columbia's Core Curriculum I am allowed this opportunity. Although, these classes, however may be rigorous,
- These curriculumsThe University allows Columbia's students to become well-rounded,
- not only intellectually, but also to be physically disciplined
- due to thewith it's strict physical education requirement.

- It is every college student's fantasy(speak only for yourself as this is your own essay) to live on a bustling,
- BeingL ocated within a populous city also
- means that it could provide many opportunities, such as internships,
- that many other universities could not provideoffer .
- Aside from internships, vast amounts of museums and exhibitions
- allowsforfurther cultural enrichment and entertainment for the students.
- This allows forgives students to take a break once in awhile
- from their busy school lives, todays and just relax and relieve themselves from stress.

There you have it Minju, I hope my remarks helped.

Scholarship / Answers to the Mandela Washington fellowship for young leaders [5]

Mammusi, I'd like to share my thoughts on your application.

Question1:Please give a brief description of your professional background and work. (50 words)
Answer: I am a state media,broadcasterreporter in the Kgalagadi district in Botswana.
- This includes researching on widerbroader topics /events
- of interest,sourcing interviews ofstories from professionals and casual people alike .

Question 2:Nelson Mandela said, "It always seems impossible until it is done." Describe a specific instance of when you did something that seemed impossible. How did you gain support from others who did not share or understand your vision? (100 words)

Answer:Last year i( "I" regardless of it's position in the sentence, is always written a capital manner ) was asked to produce a

- Firstlyof all the politicians...
- depict Botswana"s political journey to independence,
- how the political landscape has changed since then., ( mind your punctuation marks) and this
- accordedsuit them accordingly and providedthem the opportunity to address issues of concern.
- To talk about political disde -stabilization or
- lack of....( some information is missing here) and to
- have a sayjustification on the political clashes that occurred.
- I got mythe interviews and met the deadline

Mammusi, this are just the initial remarks I made for the first two questions, I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Failure Is Inevitable" - College Personal Essay [8]

Kierre, first of all, with all the suggestions, remarks and corrections made by EF contributors, have you tried re- writing your essay already?
From what I see, considering all the enhancement of your essay, you will be able to come up with a reasonable word count that perfectly justifies your answer to the prompt.

Normally, the word count is there to guide you on being precise and making sure that you don't overload your essay with information or write a lot of paragraphs that may mislead your idea of the prompt and what you consider will be helpful to keep your essay strong and dignified.

More so, there's no need to worry about word count, so long as you meet the minimum of course, what you should keep in mind is the concept of your essay, the overall idea that your essay presents and the information you provided that should correspond the prompt.

Moving forward, when writing an essay, practice writing a draft first, not the one that you are posting on EF but a rough draft that you made out of impulse as soon as you understood what was asked of the essay, after proof reading, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Remember, word count is a guideline, that yes you have to follow and consider, however this is not the biggest factor that will make or break your essay.

Scholarship / "moving the corporate ladder" - Chevening Career Plan [3]

Hanan, I hope my remarks to enhance your essay is not too late and will help you one way or the other.

- my first ,my short term goal,
- is to reach my dream position
- my second ,my long term goal ,

- I intend to work in the market access department for about three years ,
- during which I will be exposed to market needsstrategies ,
- in addition I will be working with global licensers( what exactly do yo want to imply in this phrase ) ,

- working for in my job as a business development manager .

- Both of myMy chosen career goals
- fall under the umbrella of UK priorities for
- high quality yet affordable medicines .

Hanan, I can't say that your essay is strong but it's not weak either, it kind of play in the middle, I hope your revised one if far better and mind your punctuation mark spacing, you don't have to put a space between a comma and a word, there's no sense of highlighting them because they are meant to put a stress on your sentences and not a highlight.

Speeches / The great history of Abraham Lincoln - presentation speech. [4]

HI, while it is imperative that you include the prompt of your essay when posting here on EF, it is also important that you gather facts and create an idea and focus in your essay. Now, from what I have here, let me try to help you out.

- Abraham Lincoln was born in 1809 in Kentucky,USA .
- He was elected as the 16th president of the United States in 1861.
- At that time, the country was having problemsfacing issues regarding the practice of slavery.
- This madeleft the country going to split upin great turmoil .

- After that,Shortly after, thea civil war broke
- Because ofHaving accomplished this, he was one of the greatest presidents of the United States.

- For example,H e underestimated his opponents and
- resulted an assassin was able to sneak into a box and shoot himto his assassination .

( this last paragraph doesn't make sense to me at all, I don't know now where your essay is leading to, if you can shed a light at this point of the essay, please post it here on EF so we can assist you further )

- In my opinion, Abraham Lincoln was very persistent. He attended school for less than a year. He taught himself to read and write. Initially, he worked on the farm of his father. He did different types of jobs before he settled as a highly successful lawyer and then a great president. After reading his story, I learnt what it means to never give up.

Undergraduate / Blurred Vision among American adults - Common App Personal Essay [6]

Julia, honestly, the revised essay is far better than the original one.
The paragraphs you made out of the full essay looks a lot better now, you can definitely see what difference it makes,
it's not an eye sore now and you can draw a lot of people to read your essay and help you with it.
Also, the message of your essay has streamlined to it's purpose and this is very crucial in making sure that your
essay answers the prompt.

Just for future reference, as much as you want to impart personal situation in your essay, refrain from flooding the essay with information, find the ones that are stronger than the other and include this and only this information on your essay, this is to avoid making your essay a plea of pity or hopelessness.

Well, that's about it for me, I wish you all the best!!

Undergraduate / Blurred Vision among American adults - Common App Personal Essay [6]

Julia, I have a few remarks for your essay.

- posting the prompt will help us give you a better insight and enhancement of your essay
- paragraphing the essay will help in the overall presentation of your essay
- an essay should have the introduction, the body and the conclusion
- on the conclusion part, it will also add a personal touch if you have a couple of sentences that pertains to your personal
view of the subject

I'd like to share my thoughts on what I consider part of the conclusion of your essay.

- was preserved but includedand played a great part in her life were now,
- WhichThis led to me to missing lots of school days in junior year,
- dependability and attention to detail make that tothat will my dream a reality.

There you have it Julia, I hope my remarks and guidelines help in enhancing you essay.

Undergraduate / "Failure Is Inevitable" - College Personal Essay [8]

Kierre, I'd like to help out on enhancing your essay.

- From a young age we were instilled with the idea of winning wasis ( always use the present form of the verb when quoting a statement ) better than losing.

- Nobody wanted to be thea loser.
- In my case I'mwas always headstrong about succeeding in everything I diddo .
- I realized that failingfailure was inevitable

( I suggest paragraphing the essay in two, then your final paragraph)

- For wW hen I was young I had not yet
- experienced much outside of playing in the sandbox outside ,
- Your eE ntrance into high school
- With thatThat being said, my goal for freshman
- I had already had years
- I breezed through my routine without any worries.

- Later tT hroughout the year
- I failed at makingdidn't make it to the cheerleadingthe team for my high school buthowever, I amwas blessed with
- another opportunity that I now could not imagine never being a part ofI now consider a part of my nature .
- This experience marked the beginning of my maturation as well.my maturity and now I now believe that...

There you have it Kierre, I'm sorry if I made my remarks too straight forward but I know they're needed in order to make your essay stonger.

Scholarship / How can study in Sweden and Masters degree help you reach your goal? Your Future plans? M.Letter [3]

- I decided to pursue a master's degree in Sweden whichas they are known to prioritizes real world problems.
- ideas and opinions will help me think innovativelydevelop in an innovative manner .

Lakshmik, as much as your essay talks about your intended country to study your masters, the essay is asking you for the information that led you to choosing the university and the course you are about to take. Therefore, I suggest that you omit a couple of sentences and boost the body of the essay towards the needed information of the prompt.

Let's continue.

- Group whichthat develops techniques

- With the knowledge I gain from the academia at KTH I suggest you elaborate the study or the learning that you gained from KTH that influenced your decision to apply to this institution, this is really crucial for the success of your application ) and the network

- I develop with the industries will helpassist me in the future to

There you have it Lakshmik, I hope I'm able to help.

Grammar, Usage / "It's a writer&character-based film that is mostly in touch..." - sentence from an essay about film [4]

Rose, I agree with Louisa, it would be best if you cut this sentence into two, here's my take on the sentence.

- It's a writer/ character - based film that is mostly in touchpertains towith the literature.
- and also novelizesIt encompasses the issue of fate in ana very effective way manner.'

There you have it Rose, I believe forming two sentences out of your idea is better than putting everything in one sentence with a lot of thoughts going on around it.

Looking at the sentence you made and compare it to the sentences after the revision, it turned the sentence to be more engaging and I must say, more comprehensive without deleting the idea rather keeping it intact and stronger.

I hope my remarks help and we would appreciate if you could post the entire essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Graduate / Debts and Loans - 'money has a great role in each section of human life' - IELTS2 [6]

- People living in megapolisesthe metropolis work for
- with its per centspenalty they are endangerin danger to lose their houses.

- SecondlyNext , lack of money
- Of course not !
- That's why it doesn't matter how much is one's wagesalary for a month is ,
- banks have to discuss the idea then decide whether they want to support it or not .

- Thirdly,P eople who have problems
- It is well-known fact that the most brainiest individuals are risenwho garnered good education rise from poverty
- understandable they want to prevent their moneysecure their finances but also clerks
- they also have to understand they are ruining lives.

- ConcludingIn conclusion , I canmust say only that it is
- very heavyunacceptable to live with heavy debts and
- one should think very muchfirst before turning to banks, because besides the money they
- lend you as a bonus also manycomes with a lot of rules, many percents and sinister things whichthat are hidden in every loan.

Mary, this is the final set of corrections on your essay, I spent a considerable hour to tackle it and honestly, it's not looking good at all, I mean the way you write is a direct translation of your ideas, I'm not saying that it's wrong or unacceptable, however, when writing, you have to fine tune and use the proper words that better describe your ideas, more so, use different words in your sentences and not one word all through out the essay.

Scholarship / Maritime defense - Chevening (leadership) to write essays as answers for their questions [3]

Neo, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay, well, indeed it's last minute and the Chevening Scholarship is wrapping up, anyhow, it's not too late, you still have a little time, having said that, I'll work on the last 3 paragraphs of your essay, I believe this is the part that needs a little bit of enhancement.

3rd paragraph
- NearingTowards the end of my
- first year in the military band,
- to persuade a few out of manymembers to stay.
- From then on , I learned that leadership
- From then onIn this regard , I took on the job of section leader and head secretary.

4th paragraph
- ProceedingMoving forward to the polytechnic (high school),
- leadership position. B,b eing the team leader of my final year project group ,
- During the startIn the beginning of the project,

Final paragraph
- I learntT hroughout the years that leadership is not simply just being strict and in control.
- I did not change buthowever my perception of leadership changeddid ,
- from the young immature viewpoint to the realiz ation of what it really isleadership and life is a whole .

Neo, I know that were against time now and this is not good, for future applications, mind your time and manage it well and I do hope my direct remarks helped!

Graduate / Debts and Loans - 'money has a great role in each section of human life' - IELTS2 [6]

Mary, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.

- difficulties connectedting with money,
- Not in a very far past, ( don't forget your punctuation marks, breath) people borrowed
- and sometimes because sometimes they'reof they were not able to give
- including even stopping being in touchcontact with each other .
- Now instead of this traditional method of gettingborrowing the needed money,
- we have banks which give some amounts of moneythat provides our financial needs .
- There are many reasons why people borrow great quantities of money from banks today.
- are really unable to give back as a reason of which they even are put into theand even end up in prisons,
- but to mehowever it is more important to make it easy to take loans.

- Firstly , in many cases lack of moneyfinancial gain causes family divorcesfeud .
- Many families collapse because they do not have the opportunity
- to increasesustain their cost of living.

Mary, as you can see, there's a lot of work to be done in your essay, I take a break and I'll get back to you as soon as I can to complete the remarks.

Undergraduate / Collaborating with different people [4]

Mary, it would help us a lot if you post the prompt of the essay you are responding too, this way we will be able to see if the essay answered the prompt properly or if the transition is good, etc., anyhow, let me help you with grammar and the overall essay presentation.

- ideas started to dramatically change dramatically .
- High school made my spectrumcreated an even wider horizon ,

- In high school, I met many people who had conflicting life styles with mine.
- ( Mary, before jumping to the "cosmetology" subject, make a connection between the sentences.
I engage myself in Cosmetology and it put me to work
- Everything was flipped on me because I had
- Mostly everyoneof the students in my class enjoys parties,
- I was a fish out of water with them , and when

- My feelings were altered because no longer wasI was no longerI feeling inferior to them.
- It was just them telling mea very warm conversation about their life.
- The stories they told me were meant to amuse me,

- Everyone does different things within their lives,
- to everyone, even if they are completely different from meregardless of anything .

Mary, this are my direct corrections on your essay, mind the connections of your sentences as this will definitely make or break your essay, this will also determine the flow of your essay and how the readers look at it.