Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

Any observation, insight, comment, provided its not dull, will do.

Undergraduate / 'love for my country' - Stanford essay: intellectually engaging idea. [4]

1. Sentence 1: Are you looking in the hands of your friends, or is the flag waving in their hands also? This is syntactic ambiguity.
2. Sentence 1: It's not readily apparent what "in front of" is modifying.
3. Sentence 1: "many other delegates" would cause a person to think some previous mention of a delegate or delegates has been made, which is not the case; therefore, "other" is unnecessary and confusing.

4. Sentence 2: "complete families" misuses the word "complete" definitionally, also lending your work another source of currency for ambiguity, in this case lexical ambiguity.

5. Sentence 2: Children are cleaning cars in traffic lights? This is blatantly incorrect.

So you have a smooth 2.5 errors per sentence and I don't think that's even a fair estimate of the greatest portion.

Undergraduate / Geerd Diercksen, Essay A: some one who has made an impact in your life [7]

1. Sentence2/3: "He used to work ... they have been ..." makes a tense error.
2. Sentence 5: So his wife's name could be "touring", the way you phrase it.
3. Sentence 5: "took him and his wife touring" joins a past perfect tense verb with words of some intent that I cannot place; it sounds like colloquial wording that errors flourish in.

4. Sentence 6: Ok, if this guy is not alive, which it does sound like, why do you continue to refer to him in the present tense with words such as "is?"

5. Sentence 6: This is just a combination overflow citation I am urged to make. Try balancing your writing: with "learning about other cultures" following it, "traveling" seems lonely and disfavored. Other than that, you're working in circles lexically. He is the kind of man who ... and because of this, he is the kind of person that I want to be??? You may as well aspire to be a person who loves traveling and learning about other cultures, since it's the crucial point you're making. This makes for the third consecutive sentence beginning with "He." The sentence is not very compact. All the talk of "kind" decentralizes this person, making him secondary and common; and this spate is just getting at what is wrong with the sentence, passing on what could and should be rightly said.

5/6 errors per sentence. If you have a 500 word essay with an average sentence length of 20 words, that's about 21 hard errors.

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay: How can Appalachian State help to reach your career goals... [3]


This is actually fun, citing the first 5 grammar errors and stopping.

1. Sentence 1: Limiting goals are* not what come* to mind when I think of my personal goals. I'm assuming that you meant "limiting" as an adjective based on the context. If not, or rather, because it's even possible you didn't mean it that way, it's also an error of ambiguity, but we'll try not to double count.

2. Sentence 4: "introduces me gently into" does not really work here. If you're going for metaphor, you'd be introduced to* not "into" the real world. If you're trying to describe this in a straightforward manner, you're falling short; it doesn't make sense.

3. Sentence 6: "to" is superfluous.
4. Sentence 8: "so much scenery and things to do" is incorrect. You have to use a modifier with "things to do", otherwise the sentence lacks parallelism and sense, and could be using "much" together with "things", probably the real error at issue here.

5. Sentence 9: "When college stress gets the better of me I will have many serene places to go visit.": I'll just simplify and point out the purposeless use of "go."

So there you have it lady, you made it through nine short sentences. If you have 45 sentences, safely assume 25 hard errors. If there are 90 sentences, you can expect at least 50 errors.

Writing Feedback / the Beatles - Favorite Band [3]


The first sentence is a fragment. What exactly is "the group?" The group... changed its* name to "Johnny and the Moon Dogs" (need the quotation marks here) in 1958. A friend of John Lennon, Stu Stutcliffe...

When you have five irrefutable grammar errors in less than five sentences, it is unrealistic to expect that someone understand you.

Graduate / SOP - PhD Linguistics [9]

I appeal to whomever holds the power to deactivate user accounts to act on this scurrilous, deplorably childish user, if (s)he persists with the drivel sampled so far.

Graduate / SOP - PhD Linguistics [9]

Yes, they might be unaware that the error is wrong; once informed that it is, they should be able to figure out WHY it is wrong. But whatever, I was feeling lazy and so it seems everyone else is too.

The idiom of "wearing different hats" is supposed to describe that a person performs various functions. Now figure our why "not the least of which ... research ... training clients" is incorrect. Try to keep in mind what you're referring to, continuously, or you may find that you stop making sense.

Undergraduate / 'African-American men swayed' - UW Cultural Difference Essay [6]

Ok, maybe a ghostwriter instead becase you do seem to have a general idea, it's just the technique (direction/way) which is lacking.

Graduate / SOP - PhD Linguistics [9]




first three errors I noticed: you should be able to figure out why they're cited

Writing Feedback / History Class - Canadian Great Depression Essay [3]

I read only the first paragraph and find the emphasis on stock prices indicative of a grand misconception about the cause of the Great Depression.

Book Reports / Romeo and Juliet: "The Mantle of Mistakes" [4]

None of us are omniscient and an omniscient power is perfect and makes no mistakes. Well, you can't really thank me for reading your essay, I just read the first paragraph and it seems alright, excluding the glaring error. :)

Letters / My answer for the prompt of HSBC MT program. What do you think? [3]

You can cut all reference to anything that doesn't seem relevant as an answer to:

why the career choice you have selected is appropriate for you, why you have selected HSBC and what your career objectives are.

why is this career choice appropriate?
why HSBC?
career objectives?

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Topic of my choice) - The True Gratification of a Black Belt [4]

"A boxing glove flew by me at lightening speed, yet at the same time in slow motion. My breathing was rapid but in my mind I was relaxed - or at least I was trying to be. Being in the ring with someone 15 years older than me, just a few inches less than ten inches taller than me, along with ten years of belt seniority over me is not just intimidating but a bit frightening. The moves are quick and the evasions are essential."

What are you getting at with the vain attempts to portray balance? They don't make any sense.
Being is not a word you ever want to use to begin a sentence, as a verb. Why do you say 15 years older? You may as well say "just a few years less than 18 years older than me."

Graduate / I had been a big devotee of fairy tales; SOP for MFA of Design/art department [4]

- The essay could sound more professional and say the same.
- Get off yourself and elaborate on issues.
- The better question is which part(x) is useful?

I can't follow more than a paragraph without asking myself "What did I just read?"

Undergraduate / "I guarantee to not let down this marvelous institution" - FSU essay [5]

Look chap, you are supposed to describe how these words play into your life. Rather, it sounds like you are snatching them up with wild fervor to win a scavenger hunt. Change your approach.

Book Reports / I need help writing a personal response essay on Identities by W.D. Valgardson [3]

There's hardly anything personal about your response. Try reflecting a little more.

Undergraduate / 'African-American men swayed' - UW Cultural Difference Essay [6]

"was"

Impersonal was"

Do you realize how awkward that sounds? Impersonal can't even describe a sensation while we're on the matter. Lose the thesaurus and find a compass.

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

My fault, I didn't communicate clearly:

I don't mean "seek out" in the true sense, but more as a comment on the "chronology." "Seek out" subtly means to give order to the events. She already has these qualities and one way or another thinks tomboy is a good word. So instead of portraying a random word from the dictionary as intersecting with her personality, she should take a more direct approach; obviously she looked for the word tomboy AFTER her personality developed, causally, so her existing approach is twisted ("amazed").

These thought patterns must be corrected or they recur again and again, ruining the organization of a lot of essays.

Writing Feedback / Icy Metamorphosis - Can you help me edit this [3]

It's obvious you write well, but I have another problem with your essay. "Benji" sounds like a petulant child so the switchover into mature first person, can't really make sense.

Also, I have a strong hunch that you picked this general format off from somewhere recently. The ending is very classic but a person doesn't come up with it in this situation unless they've been exposed to something similar in recent memory; just something to keep in mind and be careful with.

In its most simple form, for lack of a better example right now, it sounds like the story of the "boy who cried wolf." At that it isn't very imaginative or creative, but on top of it your teacher wants something out of Benji. The poor teacher can't figure out that you're tracing after a basic format thousands of years old, and that the format is supposed to stand on its own merit. Well, her naivete means you have to actually put in work. On the other hand, if she had evaluated your story as I have, it could be worse. You shouldn't be disheartened though: your writing is strong and all it requires is the commitment to think a little.

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

Voice is simply the outward extension of one's personality, enabled by a person's courage to exert their imagination. The odds are, if you are an outspoken person, you will have a large source to draw on when you write, and so your writing will exhibit similarities in versatility and vision. The difference between speaking (informally) and writing, is the second requires measured thought. If you happen to be a natural thinker, writing will come easy to you. Writing is captured communication, which can make a person uneasy about expressing thoughts. It is also more formal, a degree more serious than normal spoken communication if you will, and this illustrates a dimension of writing well known. Prose boasts the tincture of a person's mindset -- it allows readers to conceptualize the way a person thinks, providing insight into their thought structure. Even after a person has died, their writings remain; indeed, historians and anthropologists analyze important writings of historical figures, comparing the writings according to their voice and the phase of a person's life.

Undergraduate / Help with Common App Essay: "I Am an Alien" [9]

It's pretty good. The anecdotes you provide resonate deeply and the essay does not crack open or even stagnate in any paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]


- "Up until..." aint the best way to begin. But if you want: Up until June ... when FDR signed ..., African Americans were ... (don't use "not allowed", it's weak; rather use tough words like "refused", "denied", etc.)

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [12]

"almost nonexistent" these two don't gel well. try "scant", "meager"...

"However I wouldn't trade my camp experiences for anything else." this type of statement always struck me as lazy and unfair; it's a glib enough claim, but I question if there's truth in it.

Undergraduate / Amherst common app supplement essay, need help revising it! [6]

Revising it would be a mild term. You will have to write a new essay because I'm not interested in reading about your ongoing stresses submitted for consideration as part of an application.

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [10]

Essay 1 sounds like a pseudo-slugfest with someone who has been jamming your head in the toilet forever, when finally one day you refute these beatings as a matter of course. It's B grade comedy. This isn't the greatest example you could provide of a person who affected you in a curious way; it seems risky because you sound livid and the "self-confidence" you cite could be misinterpreted as "tenacity" >>>> "ferocity", though it's (the latter) very unlikely .

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

So many of these essays suffer because the authors chose early on to forgo any kind of instruction in logic. I mean, you're coming up with this word and its definition, then you're saying it amazes you because ... some reason. Flip the chronology around, where you seek out the word tomboy to describe an extant personality...

Essays / Media routines vs rituals [3]

So the question is asking you to identify, approach, and analyze until you come up with an answer.

"Can" = Is it possible
"some or all" = At least a fairly small but appreciable number
"our media routines" = You Define
"be regarded" = be thought of as
"media rituals" = You Define

Is it possible for at least a fairly small but appreciable number of X to be thought of as XX?

To that I would answer yes, without question. Why would I be answering the question otherwise? You're not given esoteric standards to hold your answer with, so go ahead and answer yes without hesitation. Of course it is possible for a relatively few of one thing to be regarded (by someone unspecified) as a more specific thing.

Look up the particular words if need be, examine what makes them different, and ask yourself how they could overlap with each other. When do a series of actions take on qualities that make them more than just routine but ritualistic? Explain how some media routines are correctly described media rituals according to the qualities.

Writing Feedback / Universities should give more money to their libraries than to students' sports [6]

"Although some people agree with the idea that universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their libraries, I do not agree with it."

It's good that you're using standard construction and it should benefit you eventually. That said, "although" is supposed to give acknowledgment of a fact but proceed toward something unexpected given that fact. Because some people agree, I would not suspect that you also agree, nor would I consider it worth mentioning with an extra measure of significance if you did not agree because some people agree. "Although" seems completely unnecessary to keep it short.

Graduate / My dream toward an unknown world -UIUC prompt [4]


Ok, as you "walked" inside, how long did it take... maybe 5 seconds maximum? 5 seconds is not all day. "Whose" refers only to human beings.

Undergraduate / An Amateur Photographer- Common App. [3]

I think "A picture is worth a thousands words" is the correct quote. You say it's true but don't offer anything in support of it. How do you "paint" a story?

This is basic cursory examination and you're not hitting the explanation of a gray saying even with another gray saying. It suggests something is off to me, like perchance you didn't give it serious thought.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay - To get a good grade is to encourage? [6]


Studying is not the same as learning. I have studied, memorized, regurgitated, and forgotten reams of information. Because in effect, you never refer to learning, your essay is penalized severely.

Writing Feedback / Excellence Is The New Average (Thesis trouble) [5]

Ummm, just how recent is this essay...?... because the Super Bowl incident can hardly be described as recent today.

This is the kind of rambling essay I have always found annoying. It's just a bunch of noise paraded as proper indignation; discuss ideas, make suggestions, take actions, but don't come up with this mindless drivel.

I bet it's hard finding an ending to this shrill cacophony that you call an essay, due to the sheer insanity. If you tried the simple procedure of contemplating an exploitable purpose for every stream of thought you wrote, BEFORE you wrote it, a miracle could possibly occur -- a reader might find meaning and anticipate a riveting ending. You don't have to worry about that problem right now though.

Undergraduate / B.U.- "This is me, and Boston is where I would like to be" essay : )) [3]

So I take it your three words are "enlivening", "compassionate", and "loyal."

Let me be restrained, not hypercritical, because your essay is requisitely well written and I like the subject matter.

Everything says the first paragraph can go. The three point format you seem to embrace can also go. All of the informal references can go.

Whether or not those adjectives accurately describe you, they are very strong ones to choose for this essay. As I said, the first paragraph must be cut or modified... since it only rehashes the prompt. I think you focus too much on the laughing itself in the second paragraph; tweak it to indicate the source of that laughter. The point format has never been my favorite but I think you do ok with it. Lose the informal mannerisms, no joke. Lastly, fix the grammar errors to tighten up.

This example illustrates the areas wanting work.


So you're writing in a strangled sort of way and "one of" preceding "contagiousness" is unnecessary. Once you say characteristic of mine, you're setting restraints [using modifiers] that need to be observed and respected in the words that follow. "A" makes "one" useless, more importantly, awkward and incorrect. You already said it's of you, so how could it be of contagiousness from your laughter? Mistakenly, you're saying "of contagiousness from my laughter" as if it's a trait itself. You could always say "A noticeable characteristic of mine is one of a humble upbringing...pause... characteristic ... That further qualifies the characteristic so it's not only of you, but it ALSO belong to whatever category, but that is a different sense of the word "of."

The "of" you mean to use is for the sake of specific identity whereas the use I provided employs "of" in the sense so to indicate origin in a correct manner (without conflicting) with the first "of."

Contagiousness from my laughter is ambiguous for it is unclear what "contagiousness" entails, also because a contagion of good spirits does not rest in your control. If I cry wretchedly and people stop to stare, I cannot reduce a claim on how they react to package and present as a characteristic of mine. For those reasons (i.e. the sentence is overrun by errors) you should patch it up.

But all that precision is worth laughing over, overshadowed by the general kinks in your prose (strangled writing referred to just earlier), specifically your tendency to pass over the initiative, which makes for weak and awkward writing that spreads through and through.

Notwithstanding sporadic spurts of labored writing, this is a solid essay.

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay: Opportunity to travel [4]

This essay is contrived and chock full of errors. Coupled, they make good disincentive to pass on giving advice. If the latter wasn't true, I might indulge in bashing your quasi-reptilian underpinnings AND your unhealthy aptitude thereof to almost pass it on, falling just short in what is a sure exception.

Book Reports / To Kill A Mockingbird quotes for Mrs. Dubose. [7]

Welcome, if you're reading this you're on the internet. Here at the internet we have a lot of great activities: FOR example, dive into our google apparatus and explore what your heart desires.

Seriously, you're inviting mockery of a more vicious sort, the way you act.

Grammar, Usage / Toelf essay whether borrowing money from your friend is good or not. [5]

You kind of miss the essential undertone here.

Even if you were unaware of the general truth that money and friends don't mix, you could have asked yourself "hmmmm.. what is a reason why I might not be eager to borrow money from a friend or let a friend borrow money from me?" Whatever you spit out, if it makes logical sense the person grading this can't penalize you for exhibiting ignorance of the popular views.

Alas, I don't know how heavily grammar is weighted compared to critical reasoning, which is a critical component of competency in almost anything you want to do.

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


Personally I prefer "most" in favor of "majority." I'm not sure what grammar handbooks say.


I am just as excited for ... as I am for...


Certainly you don't mean you will follow her lecture when and only when you cannot help but ask a question about his life in Germany?


What does "that" refer to? I'm already 99% sure but if you get rid of "that" and "run" for a more descriptive expression (e.g. Somehow the ensuing discussion will find its way...) you are in better shape. Know when to use pronouns and when not; when to turn on your precision goggles and when to switch them off for show.


This is the single most important part of your essay because it allows for the opportunity to link an anecdotal particular on its last legs to some bigger idea which can refuel your essay and carry it. I think you did poorly and vision that where your essay came to a shuddering halt. In this respect you're not alone; this is quintessentially the area where people have the most trouble and flounder.

Undergraduate / Short answer for common app about music [9]

You don't provide a prompt so the only thing to work with is what you have:

Temper the categorical statements and focus on a few points. From what you have written, they might be:

1. Music can serve as an avenue of escape
2. Music can alleviate bad emotions

3. This would seem a common sense talking point: Music may allow people to express themselves as they would be otherwise unable.

Undergraduate / "faithfulness, wisdom, service" Prompt FPU [4]

What if you have a short memory? Rather than "life and its actions", try actions taken in life or an alternate improvement. Not quite sure what you mean by serve. Because you have served in different places, you are therefore a server in your community in all possible ways? Is there some hidden link between the first and second statement (conclusion) that only astute people can tease out? Yes, common sense has it that we do things for a reason. Even reading into your parenthetical expression, a person can't get far. Based on these observations, my judgment yells that you need to scrap the essay; but then as I think about it, my judgment predicts it would say the same for the next essay and the next. More than anything else, have a look at the errors and surmise what to do of your own accord.

Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]

That's a tepid opening you have:

I'd question your use of "solidified" and inform you that nobody's future is known. There are a lot more expressive ways to capture emotion and thoughts here. The idea you have is bare -- so noncommittal that it just wastes space. You seem a tad indecisive and all the while your paragraph isn't gelling on its own. Don't be so jittery; choose a central topic about that what you couldn't separate from yourself if you wanted. I mean, when you wonder silently what do you find yourself thinking about in earnest; what is important to you?

I don't know, if I'm writing about myself it's going to be heavy. But some people can't imagine or bear a serious approach to this kind of topic, and you couldn't force them to sit still. That alone is a pretty good indicator of the wide range of characters and personalities we find among us, so while one person's ontology might take center focus, another person's account might talk exclusively in specific worldly matters and another may recount their life history with a different kind of tempo giving way.