Undergraduate / Destroy and Build the Word with Scissors - CommonApp Essay about Personal Dilemma [10]

1st paragraph
- To explain, I probably have to explain two other things: My personality and Star Wars.
- From my very earliest of days,

Final paragraph
- I feel like I've lost a little bit
- about how instead of being just a scissor,
- I also want to say how I want to get more into film, becauseFilm is where I feel I can help create "magic"

- by breaking things apart into smaller steps duringand turn them into a movie process.
- but I don't know how that will fulfill the background prompt.( this phrase is not necessary )

Sanak, honestly, with this revision of your essay, it didn't improve from the original one.
I would also not let you re - purpose this prompt into your UC personal statement.

For the next essay, I suggest that you do a completely different one, something strong and with emotion, write from the heart with the purpose aimed at your academic success.

Letters / 'benefit from the opportunities' - Letter of Motivation for Master Program in Development Studies! [3]

Mayara, below are the final remarks.

4th paragraph
- There I had classes at the United Nations with diplomats,
- BesidesIn this regard , to further my

5th paragraph
- All of thosethis ( however the verb is done in the past, you are referring to our credentials and they should take the present form )

- pursue a career that will allow me to work in policy makingon formulating policies while making

Final paragraph
- Given my past history of commitment and dedication to the study of development challenges,
- I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to yourthe program.
- I am sureaim to exceed your expectations,
- because ofwith my academic skills
- I am confident that I would flourish in that environmentwithin the institution to be of service to the nation .

There you have it, the only thing that I want you to remember is to make sure that when you are writing a letter of motivation, know that you are writing to build yourself up and make yourself known to the institution, that you can be a great addition to them as much as they are to you.

Letters / 'benefit from the opportunities' - Letter of Motivation for Master Program in Development Studies! [3]

Mayara, I'll work on your essay, I'd like to let you know that a motivation letter, though it says it's a letter, it still needs to be written in an essay format.

It would help if you do a little research before coming up with your letter, how to do it, what are the information to include, the body of the essay and your personal inputs, this are just a few elements of the motivation letter and an essay as a whole.

So let me see what I can do, first three paragraphs first.

- With this letter I would herebyI would like to express

- Being a citizen fromof an emerging
- tools toand attempt to deal with
- After passing the entrance exam at the bestin two of the best universities in Rio de Janeiro,
- There I graduated with specializations in

- on the relationship between foreign policy and industrial policy
- during President Lula's government,

This are my thoughts so far, I'l get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Out of the few universities that I visited and applied for, UCF stood out the most. COLLEGE ESSAY! [10]

Vineeth, you've written a far more better essay from the original one and this is very good.
This means that you take constructive criticism and you work it out from there,it's also good to know that
with a collaborative effort of EF contributors you are able to come up with a stronger essay.

For future reference, please find the following guidelines;
- go straight to the point
- reserve some information that can be used for the next succeeding essays needed for the application
- be objective all the time
- keep your ideas mainstreamed to the purpose of your essay

Lastly, as much emotion you want to pour into the essay, have some reservation, you don't really want the admission panel to have a different take

on you as a person just from your essay, remember, the goal is to catch the panels attention and earn that slot for admission.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / "Fashion to me means how one expresses themselves in a creative way..." FIT admissions essay [3]

- Fashion tofor me means

- I'm the perfect candidate for thea perfect match for Fashion Institute of Technology
- because I am a driven and confident person who
- is eager to transfershare her skills and her experiences
- to become a successful studentcontributor and student in the institution .
- as a fashion buyerend market .
- Being that New York City provides
- fashion industry, I am convinced
- I believe my experiences have assisted my understandings ofundertaking in the fashion
- Technology is the perfect schoolright institution to pursue my career.

Jessica, this are my thoughts on your essay, for future writing reference, refrain from using small words in describing an institution or a company, you have to build the company that you want to be a part of, this is one way of telling them that you are dead serious in gaining admission.

Writing Feedback / Protecting wild animals or providing facilities for citizens by government [2]

- wild animals at the first glance may not seem important.( this phrase contradicts the first phrase of the sentence )
- emphasized by the government or
- if animals in the environment can beis a more serious
- issues to be invested money in themon .
- which I shallwill discuss in this essay.

- Wild animals are important parts ofin the ecosystems.
- If they become extinction , the environment will lost its balance.
- Which means, each species of animals have their own position in the environment .
- For example, many food chains can be found in the certain area. ByWith the extinction of one species,
- makesgives a sense of happiness,

-People need to be protected by government or other nations.
- Food, education and housing are basic needs of different peoplehuman existence .
- Providing these facilities is very expensive for the government, therefore, government staffs should spend the wholethat's why a fare portion of the budgets is allocated on the welfare of citizens.

- What is more, by emerging thewith modern technology
- people can compensate some problems in the environment without natural processwork and be productive without affecting nature .

- Investing in some modern devices, human life can be independent from other creatures.

Well, overall, I must say, my head hurt in trying to follow where you are leading your essay. I did a lot of corrections to make sense of your essay, I hope it helped.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation For Game Developer in Norwegian University Programme [9]

Muhammad as much as this essay is called Letter of Motivation, you don't have to write it in a letter format rather in an essay format.

Let me try to help you out.

- to see in a local market and
- was afraid of the crowd and beingget beaten
- I hardly gotget the chance to play
- I saw first saw a computer in my cousin's home

- in my academic career ofin high school and
- I learned a lot in my present job and due towith my dedication,

- Obtaining a quality of masters of science from

- With my passion in the game industry and
- the desire to study,
- well in this program. I also believe that I can makeand render a significant contribution to this programthe institution .
Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.
Yours sincerely,( this sentences can be deleted )

That's about it for me, I hope the direct corrections I made helped.

Undergraduate / 'Tell us about your college career to date ...' - UW Seattle Personal Statement - Academic Elements [5]

Muhammad, first stop, you started your essay too personal and on a negative outlook, it may seem to have started good but not quiet, however, you were able to manage and get back on track just like how you manage your grades.

Let me share my thoughts further.

- I took the challenged myself by taking

- I hope to either becomeaim at becoming a successful UX Designer.
- I constantly survey students on how they want to see the campus

- and amI'm currently on that track.
- because I've always have hadas I develop a passion
- I know that UW will helpassist me in achieving my goals
- in beingbecoming a successful student, UX Designer and a person overall.

There you have it Muhammad, I made direst corrections on your essay, I hope it helps.

Scholarship / Leadership is not about titles, positions, or flow charts. It is about one life influencing another. [2]

Anvar, pulling your leadership essay from a quote is a refreshing way to begin your essay, I have seen a lot of applicants do different strategies in order to out do others and emerge from the competition, your idea of highlighting a quote is a rather unique approach.

I wish I will be able to enhance it further, please find below;

- For me, Leadership is being
- My firstAn experience of
- Being a second year student with worthycompetitive English language
- and a renewed sense of self-beliefconfidence ( self - belief is like being narcissistic) .
- finally the result of their hard studywork - entering the university.
- This practice taught me that leadership is not only about advantages for a leader oneself ,

- Also, I also believe that
- leadership skills as my occupation in the bank requires
- I am employed in the National
- which deals with abroadinternational money transfers in foreign currencies.
- I had the opportunity to display initiative to solve acute problemsminor issues .
- For instance,T here was a case when
- correspondent banks and other foreign institutions, this also lead to a better understanding of the international process and procedures that definitely taught me the values of a good leader, seek answers to address the issue .

- In the future I eageraspire to be a greater leader
- I believe that gettingmy admission to the Chevening Scholarship
- and education in the UK is the key forto a forthcoming young leader...

Anvar, this are my remarks on your essay. The submission is almost over so be sure that you do wrap this as soon as you can and submit accordingly.

I wsih you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch (majoring in filmmaking) - "why us" essay [4]

Anabelle, as much as i loved reading your essay, I find that it lacks the ability to back you up in this challenge towards admission to NYU.

The essay is like a summary of how you have a love-hate relationship of your chosen career, however you justify your career choice it doesn't answer the question, WHY NYU?

I suggest that you revise your essay and follow the guidelines below.
- what is your academic goal
- what are the research or steps that you took in order to come up with the decision in choosing NYU
- what does NYU have that will assist you in achieving your goals, career and personal goals
- should you be admitted to NYU, what are the attributes that you have that will benefit NYU in return

Anabelle, you have word restriction that may limit you from answering the prompt in full details but this should not restrain you from coming up with a stronger essay for admission in NYU.

I wish to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Writing Feedback / 'Marx's views have shaped the world that we live in today' - Essay on Marxism [3]

Christopher, I totally agree with you, nobody will be able to grasp Marxism without digging deep into the ideology or even reviewing them first before writing about it.

I commend you for coming up with an in depth analytical view of the subject. Believe me, I'm no expert on this subject matter, it would be nice to read and review the subject again but it just doesn't come to me, now, going back to your essay, I say it's written well and the paragraph format makes it easy to read and comprehend.

More so, your ability to factor in and incorporate a lot of ideas into one essay is very critical however, you were able to manage it very well.

Your vocabulary skills is also very significant in coming up with a powerful essay, a more analytical way of looking at this ideologies and roll them into an essay that is apt to the level of a normal reader. Believe me, I tried to read and emerge into this ideas but some of the words used in the context is just overwhelming that I have to look them up in the dictionary every after couple of sentences, you made it reachable and light for readers like me.

Lastly, you have diced up the idea and the concept of German ideology and made it known to a certain level.

Research Papers / Research Paper- Benefits of Technology and Children- Peer Review due tonight! [2]

Kendra, here's my thoughts on your research paper.

Positives:
- you made a very interesting paper on modern day technology
- a good writer does not only rely on the research itself but also to what she has learned about the subject and that is just what you did

- the paper does not only depict the advantages and disadvantages of technology in our lives but also showcase you writing skills,
you made sure that you'll be able to bring a little bit of everything altogether.

Negatives:
- not much really, for future reference, just try to keep your ideas in one paragraph and elaborate it from there, following this, create a new paragraph for a new set of ideas that you have, this way there is a uniformity in your paragraphs.

Work citation is also very well done.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay task 2 -Damage of the environment is an inevitable consequence of worldwide improvements [2]

Emra, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

-Nowadays, environmental damage is
- a controversial issue facing many nations around the world is facing .
- Some people argued that the rise of the standard of living greatly causingcaused environmental damage.
- Others contendargue that there is no

- The first thing about environmental damageFirst things first, this is that it is athe result
- Therefore, the rise of the standard ofmodern living put a cost to our environment and thus, efforts should be taken to prevent it.

- is a consequence of the standard of livingway we live , but it is also influenced by the society's own negligence.
- ThusTherefore , the environmental damage is a consequence
- of both human negligence and the standard of livingwhat we do and what we don't do towards keeping our environment's survival .

There you have it Emra, I wish my remarks helped, I do believe that you need to expand your vocabulary as you used very few words over and over through out the essay, make it a hobby to read, this helps you increase your vocabulary.

Research Papers / Postpartum depression - Research Paper - Looking for constructive criticism [2]

Felicia, I'd like to share my thoughts on the better part of your essay.

- The partner and/or family member(s) will havecan expect an increase in their duties;
- because not only isdoes the mother being impactedaffected by this disorder,

- The main reason why there is a small number of women
- being diagnosed and treated is because there is athe lack of recognition.

-These methods encourage the mother to take control overof her own mental
- These methods will help speed up the recovery for the mother, child, and otherthe rest of family members around.

Felicia, I'm not so sure of the facts you have gathered in your essay as I haven't really looked them up, I just want you to be sure that the facts and figures are correct because this will make or break your essay. Also, you have to be sure and make up your mind in which linking word are you going to use such as "and/or", partner/father, etc., this will give you a better look and construction of essay not to mention being able to read the paper better.

Overall, your research paper is written well, I also suggest that you add a little of your opinion regarding the subject at hand but be sure to be objective.

Undergraduate / Development trajectories of Indian economy since Independence - correcting errors in the SoP [7]

Aiden, thank you for taking my remarks into consideration and as you can see there is a lot of help that you can get from EF contributors, now let me share my thoughts on this part of the essay.

- After diligently following the newspaper articles by P. Sainath, one of the first Indians who has worked on the agrarian crisis extensively, and perusalingperusing (is the right for of this word in conjunction to your sentence )

- "Those Who Did Not Die:Impact of the Agrarian Crisis on Women in Punjab" revelatedrevealed ( this is the right form for this word ) the reality of women caught in the vortex of the agrarian crisis.

The correction above should be perfect for your essay.
Aiden EF is a collaboration of educators and writers and it's absolutely great that you keep our remarks and follow through, this gives us the a lot more reason to do our job and continue to be of service to you and to fellow educators.

I hope you continue writing and spread the news about EssayForum.com
Best of luck!!!

Graduate / Architecture is a unique industry. In my world, Architects are gods. 500 word application essay. [5]

Anita, as much we would like to be personal on our writing pieces, I don't agree on your approach of this letter.

You started it with admitting your weakness, which is ok but not ideal when your aim is to prove your capability in studying this subject and make it a profession.

Remember, what you are in this essay is what you will present to the admission panel and you don't want them to see your weakness, I mean I don't want you to pretend that you don't have any weakness at all, but maybe we can incorporate that in the body of the letter and not in the beginning.

It's not ideal to start on the negative side of things, more so, you do have a pretty good knowledge about the architecture industry so build up from this and point out the strength and your capacity in learning this subject.

Leaning towards the end of the essay, this is are my thoughts.

- he stoodpointed out say that people should
- not be afraid to challenge the status quo and although Architects certainly do challenge the status quo in their work ,
- they rarely challenge it within their offices.( this phrase is not necessary )
- Architecture is a traditional apprenticeship based on profession

I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / "Jonathan, you're just not good enough" - Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance - Personal Essay [4]

1st paragraph
- my prior confidence and enthusiastic sparkenthusiasm were replaced by

3rd paragraph
- I earned a place i n the team
- my determination instilled values in me that I have applied to many other facets of my life.

Final paragraph
- It was thisis determination that motivated me to achieve
- my goals andthat which I never would have been able to dream.

There you have it Jay, I made my remarks direct to the point in order for you to see the difference of the essay on a different perspective.

I hope my remarks helped, for future reference, try not to use the same words all through out your essay, play with words, and oh, reading a lot can help your vocabulary, so try to do so if you have free time, also, don't forget the purpose of your essay, you tend to go beyond it's purpose or what the prompt is asking so be very careful. Overall, your essay is written pretty good. Good luck!

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Samrudha, let me share my thoughts, though your first paragraph is the story of what sparked your interest in Engineering, it should not be written as dark as it is.

Try to mellow it a little bit, such as;

Back of the stage is where I took a spot in watching a play for an inaugural ceremony, everything and all that the program was about to do seemed to be doing pretty well until, a snap from one of the wires that linked the microphones and all that is needed for the stage to function left the event high and dry. On my side however, it sparked an interest in this vast complexity of wirings, mechanics and Engineering in general. (at this point you can continue with this sentence below)

- This was a herald which made me change my specialisationspecialization to electronics and telecommunication...

To start your essay on a positive note, a vibrant environment also draws readers and the admission panel to your essay. More so, it speaks about yourself and the kind of person you are.

Remember, your black and white writing is like your heart and soul and taking a risk in writing an essay that starts with a negative note is not worth it.

I wish my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / "Great East Japan Earthquake" - it changed the whole my life [4]

Jay, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

1st paragraph
- distance made me feel as though the world was truly endingworld is going to end .
- School buildings and apartment complexesBuildings throughout mythe city, were utterly destroyed.
- On the newsT sunamis rose to record heights of over 100 feet,

2nd paragraph
- Soon, I adjusted to my life in America

3rd paragraph
- A motivation arose within me, one that inspired me to help those in need- people who live in poverty and pain inspired me .

Final paragraph
- then I would be a very different person than I am today.
- Thus, it is because of the most disastrous event in the history of Japan
- that I have been given the most wonderful gift known to man:
- a desire to change the lives of those who need it the most.

Indeed, very heart warming and true to the facts essay you have there Jay.
I made a few corrections that can hopefully enhance your essay and ultimately, to decrease the word count.

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Samrudha, I'd like to commend you in coming up with a detailed essay, it's precisely written for it's purpose.
However, looking at your essay on a different perspective, as much as I would like to get to know you with your essay, I think it's a bit lengthy.

You took too much space on elaborating your technical skills and know- how, don't get me wrong, yes you have to detailed and elaborate in your essay but you have to make sure that there is not much information on your essay to the point that you are drowning the reader.

What I suggest for you to do is to shorten the technical part of the essay like this below;

- Softwares like Eagle, TopWin, Keil, Proteus, MATLAB, Xilinx,etc., are some of...
- These softwares provides computational model of the circuit to enhance the understanding of complex phenomenon of circuit designs and components. Attending workshop on Embedded system uplifted my inclination towards Micro Controllers and Micro Processors.(this sentences can be deleted )

- Coupled with my skills in programming languages like C, C++ I learnt in 11th n 12th, I started writing
- programs to control the behaviourbehavior of electronic circuitry.
- Deeply kindled by my zest for electronics I spent the spare time in my home designing small electric circuits like smoke alarm, infra red door alarm, remote controlled home appliances and some other wireless circuits.

This are just a few of the sentences that can be deleted, believe me they don't affect the overall purpose of your essay, it helps your essay not to look so rowdy or overloaded with information.

I hope my remarks help.

Graduate / "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think" PhD SOP [3]

Maryam, I agree with Louisa, you did a personal statement and not an SOP.
An SOP is an essay highlighting your academic achievements and your future career and professional goals.
You are obviously having doubts on what to write in your essay, so I suggest you do the following guidelines.

- know the purpose of your essay
- it won't hurt to do a little research on your target audience for your essay
- know the informations and facts that should be included in your essay.
- conduct a healthy comparison of your essay or your ideas here on EF, a lot of students has written good SOP's already and they will definitely help you

get your essay done.

I'm not saying you have to completely do a new essay, just revised it and lead it towards stating your purpose, your goals and academic achievements should be the highlight of your essay. I wish to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / 'dreams as big as oceans'; I wrote this statement of purpose for an exchange application [3]

HI Ailia, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- I'm a girlperson ( this word is more mature and professional ) with
- dreams as big as the oceans.

- Butand since I like challenges,
- I optedfollowed their suggestion and embarked a new journey towardsfor premedical
- at inter-level in college. I literally took it as a challenge.
- After getting done withcompleting inter- level ,
- I aspired to be a journalist because:,m y country
- Also, I also hate the fact
- therefore if I spendingsome of my time studying in
- the US it would certainly help me in achieving my career goals .

This are my contribution towards the enhancement of your essay. I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / Development trajectories of Indian economy since Independence - correcting errors in the SoP [7]

- yet susceptible byto the development
- one specific issue specifically really
- made me question my own self
- and that was oregarding f farmer suicides in the country.
- And,T his is why I felt that
- it is necessary to understand the delicatecomplicated situation
- and the seeking of novel forms
- Hence, i t is this challenging
- through learning about theories and programs

This are my thoughts on your essay. Hargun, the only thing that I see as an issue is the use of the words, some of the words are not in the right place or not in the right thought of the sentence, the way you want it to appear in your essay.

I hope that my remarks helped.

Scholarship / How computers change our working conditon? [3]

Loung, this are my remarks for the rest of your essay.

3rd paragraph
- Another point worth stating out is that computers
- as the tiniest spots of the universe( this phrase is not necessary ) ,
- are nominated into as the dominators of nature who could "traverse"
- AlsoA t this point evolve the term evolve "Nomad workers"
- colleagues anywhere they they like as long as strong internet connection is sustainable.

Final paragraph
- eased off the pressure placed on each individual
- while improving the efficacy of the working process.
- workers can now be more flexible in their jobs,
- become proactive in theproductive and following their own schedule, and thus,
- more degree of self-contentment could beis achieved.

Loung, as you can see there's still a lot of work to be done for the last and final paragraph in your essay, however as I said there's always a room for improvement.

I hope my remarks helped.

Scholarship / How computers change our working conditon? [3]

Loung, first of all, it will help if you have the prompt posted here on EF too. It will help us properly evaluate your prompt and answer the question if you were able to answer the prompt given.

I'd like to take your essay one paragraph at a time.

1st paragraph
- Looking back at the history of mankind history ,
- as stepping stones for various humankind's historical turning points.
- AndN ow comes the most anticipated era,

2nd paragraph
- we should point our scopeI'd like to turn into the working environment of factories.
- how a drastic a degree have computers changed the way we work.
- with a machinery one, rendering factories

Loung, this is my initial remarks on your essay, what I notice here is your word use, you seem to place them in the wrong post or order in your sentences.

I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Scholarship / I have organized a mega sport event. Will this fact help me to convince on my leadership skills? [3]

HI, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

Reading throughout your essay, I must say that the process towards executing your leadership skills is written in a way that we as readers were able to follow.

I like the fact that you made the essay very detailed from the forming of the group all the way to proper designation of tasks and the victory in the end, you were their all through out the process and you made sure that everybody is in the same page. This traits is indeed, the traits of a good leader.

Now, I'd like to focus your thoughts on the last paragraph of the essay, I believe it can be further enhanced.

Oh, the word environment , correct it as well.

Final paragraph

- We got more thanWith over 50% participation
- it was the biggest achievement of thatfrom the event for me and my team.
- The event went aslike gravy train.
- That event was Eldorado in my career as it providesd me with the
- opportunity to practice and refine my skills ofin leadership.
- have ability to organize a team that have samewith one goal,
- remainbe consistent, passionate,
- throughout your journey and you will achieve yourthe desired goal.

There you have it, for future writing reference, make sure to include your linking verbs as they complete the sentences.

Undergraduate / A Place That Makes You Dream [2]

Brittney, first of all, it would be helpful if you posted the prompt as well so that the contributors will be able to justify if you have written the essay in response to the prompt. For now, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- buthowever I think, in a way I took it for granted.
- plus I tried new foodslocal cuisine .
- While I didDoing these things I discovered
- I thought to myself, if thesethis small towns in thesethis ( remember the difference of "these" and "this" and use them appropriately in your sentences ) huge countries hold some of the greatest things,

- support myself when I traveled , so how would I do that?
- combinedcoupled with my love for beauty
- and blogging would be put to usewill definitely be useful .

- duewithto the glorification of fair skinned women in the country.
- and learn more about the lands that I go toplaces I visit .

- Who would think that a school trip could conjure up huge dreams?
- WhileP reparing for my trip, I never expected to plan my future, as well.

Brittney, the ending of your essay surprised me a lot, is this a supplement essay for UM?, well, if it is, it's not that strong, well written but needs a lot more information on the part of your academic background and goals.

Anyhow, I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / 'failure to audition for drum major'. Common App - "The Major Goal" [3]

- In the marching band,

- I talked with theto two new drum majors,
- When April arrived, my director sent out the emails regarding auditions.
- I wrote my request, notingwith the emphasis on my passion for the activity,

- year of potential friendships and experiences.

- Those years will holdThe coming years will form new friends and stories, and my

Harrison, you made this story very soft and easy to comprehend, readers and moderators will definitely agree with me that your essay is packed with heart, dedication to the craft and the power to let everyone know that failure is always coupled with success, learning and a lot of figure - things out episode. Indeed, if there's one thing life to offer, it's constant change, change for the better and the cycle continues.

Anyhow, I made a few remarks, I hope they help in enhancing your essay and by the way, avoid writing in direct translation of ideas, keep your sentence in present form.

Scholarship / I hope to expand my social and professional network and meet more people in Chevening [3]

Julia, I hope you understand how serious the Chevening scholarship is, it's a very competitive scholarship that builds students from ground up.
The prompt, first of all, is asking for your professional background when it comes to networking that leads to becoming a good and sound leader.

Now, I did a thorough understanding of your essay, you lost a few points already, you made an essay where you made the admission staff think of facebook and all this social media sites, I understand that this may be some sort of networking for you but this is not what will make you into an effective leader let alone be able to participate in the Chevening scholarship program. All this social media sites and following is solely for your leisure time, don't get me wrong, friends will always be there to help you out and make things better but this is not the case when it comes to this application.

What I suggest for you to do, is to streamline your academic standing, cite experiences where you draw a following, like shouting out for a cause in school that led to a movement, maybe a school activity that you have in mind that created an organized association or a simple thought of coming with a better understanding of a task that led to it's proper execution. Examples like this does matter when answering this particular prompt.

Remember, the Chevening Scholarship is one of the sought after scholarships there is and you don't want to miss your chance of taking a spot, so revise you application, follow through from the advice you got form EF contributors and advisers and you should be able to come up with a powerful essay.

I hope to see the revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / 'A girl with depression, anxiety and without any self-confidence' My experience in helping others [3]

- realm of what is thought of as an average.
- I observed them and their natures .

- The girl had the face of a cherubbinangel ,
- the voice of a sirenmermaid , and the demeanor
- She was the first person towho look at me as someone of importance,

- Determined not to give up on my first true friend I indulgeduncover her issues,

- Yet, out of all of our long nights, staying up and talking, there is
- TheThat one night I was not available
- and just so happened to coincided with her darkest day.

Very intriguing and interesting piece of writing you have there Daniel, you have the tendencies of writing a thrilling story.
The way you wrote the essay says a lot about you and I must say, you have a very deep understanding of your surrounding, you make sure that you keep a mysterious appearance whilst creating an interesting and intriguing nature.

I made a few corrections, very minor as your essay is written quiet well and it does justify the prompt.

Scholarship / My dream is my advanture - Chevening [3]

Deli, I believe you made your research before you decided to apply for the Chevening Scholarship and by now you already know that the competition is very high, not only that, this scholarship is cast with a wider net that means there will be thousands of applicants with far more achievement than you have, it will be challenging and you need more than academic and professional achievements to succeed in this application.

However, there's still a lot of ways to keep up with the competition.
For one, cast a healthy comparison, research and analytical thinking towards your application.
Keep an open mind and revise your essay, keep it at par and beyond what the prompt is asking, I'd say be creative and expand your horizons towards your approach on this application.

Also, consider writing a more creative piece of essay and combine it with your academic facts.
Your professional background should be emphasized too, remember becoming an efficient follower will definitely hone your leadership skills.
The current essay that you have contains information base on your experiences, this is an absolute must, however you have to enhance them by looking at the bigger picture, you also have to evidently show what the Chevening scholarship can contribute towards attaining your goals.

I hope to see a revised essay for this application posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Essays / Opinion wanted about my literature thesis statement [5]

Travis, I believe you're on the right track.
I'm not so familiar with literature writing but knowing the background of what your aiming to write, you made the right statement.

I hope to see the entire thesis or at least the greater part of the essay in order to assist you further.
I don't have a doubt that you will be able to come up with a good thesis but of course fresh eyes for reference will not hurt.

Guidelines to follow can always be researched and here on EF we strive to provide constructive criticism to students and masters alike,
this are just a few reasons for you to rely on the views that EF contributors have.

I'm looking forward to your thesis here on EF.

By the way, what is it in literature that draw students in, I for one, is interested in this study, however I think it's a very deep study that for me is a little bit challenging, that explains why I didn't pursue this major.

Keep writing and good luck!

Scholarship / [Chevening Scholarship] From Zero to a Gradual Strive in Education Sector [4]

Dylan, reading through your essay, I have a question, did you take into account that you have word count restriction.
Maximum word count is 500 words, anyway, your essay is written like you are telling a story and you did what you want your essay to be, gradual flow of ideas and it has a very smooth transition.

However, going back to the prompt, it's asking for a detailed description of the universities that you have chosen in line with your academic goals and this information

is not on the prompt, you have not answered the prompt.

I suggest a few things, first, to review and do a healthy comparison on the essays of the other students here on EF, safe to say, do a little bit of research.

Next, make up an idea where you will be able to expand your thoughts in regards to the chosen universities where you aim to pursue your studies.

Lastly, exercise the same smooth flow of the essay you have right now, I'm not saying that you have to do an overall essay, just make sure that on your revised one you will be able to highlight what is asked of the prompt.

I hope to see the revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON: Tell us a story from your life... (Personal Statement Criticism) [4]

Elizabeth, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- And because I was used to taking care of my brother, I continued to do so without classifying it as a chore.

- being annoying;, she couldn't help it.,b ecause while growing up,
- she believed that excelling in school equatesto an easier life,
- so her concern overon my work was
- actually her way of ensuring my success.

- ButA lthough it took
- my growing apart from mymy relationship with my mom to arrive to this conclusion,
- Because now, I'm able to differentiate between
- AndA s a result, our relationship has grown stronger.

Elizabeth, your essay is full of words that are quiet unnecessary, I understand that you'd like to make sure that your essay is interesting enough to draw attention, however, you don't have to load your essay with this words. Your essay is written well, just a few remarks that may enhance your essay.

Undergraduate / "If you can't find happiness, then just create your own" - How I built my Happiness [4]

5th paragraph
- At the end of my Primary 4,
- my parents decided to move me to the school I'm currently in,from EQ Educare,
- sinceas they plan to send me to America.
- Due to this,T he colorful and exciting life I had soon became dull.

6th paragraph
- It made me think. If, if I can't join clubs, why not create them?
- I helped the debatersparticipants to hone their skills on preparation,

7th paragraph
- It was not until I became the Student Council President
- The colors that had left my life returned,I brought the color back into my life and I felt
- a bigger sense of satisfaction from this .

8th paragraph
- We can either choose to be sour, or just make some lemonade with it.
- If you can't find happiness, then just create your ownone .

Max, as what one of the books I read says, "life is a matter of choice", the moment you wake up, you have total power of your day and how it will turn out. Indeed, if you can't find happiness, create one.

Your essay ended very good, in the sense of the ideas that you put into the essay, however, the remarks I made is for you to delete unnecessary words that complicates the essay.

Undergraduate / Carleton first caught my attention, because of its size, location, and beautiful campus [5]

Anna, I'm afraid I have to agree with the other contributors, the essay doesn't correspond with the prompt.
To answer your question if this is a good essay to start, the answer is no, it's not.
Sad to say, the beginning of the essay doe not have any material that will lead you to the correct response to the essay.

Here are a few guidelines for you to come up with a better essay.
- what do you know about Carleton
- what are your academic background
- with this academic background what do you hope to take in Carleton
- what does Carleton have that sets it apart from the rest of the universities that you have seen
- in line with your personal goals, what can you contribute to the institution
- is there any ideas that you think will be beneficial to the institution

This are just a few guidelines that I think will help you come up with a better essay, I hope you follow through and post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / "If you can't find happiness, then just create your own" - How I built my Happiness [4]

Hi Max, I'd like to share my thoughts.

2nd paragraph
- medal to Julian Tan for his excellenceexcellent performance in tennis.

3rd paragraph
- Ever sinceFrom that day,
- I was raised up like a stereotypical Asian child;, I learnt the piano
- and I believed I could write and speak fluently.
- WithArmed with these talents of mine ,

4th paragraph
- I was coached by Julian Tan, my role-model .
- I was contented with my school life then .
- However, my life soon took a turn.

Max, this are my initial remarks on your essay.
I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / ApplyTexas Essay: Conflict in life [3]

- Then there's the ones who live a mixturemixed life .
- MaturingBeing a Mature individual meansis taking those feelings

- Emotional sadness doesn't describe how I felt, it was deeper .

- Also, I also reached out to my family.
- Being encouraged byThe encouragement from her made me so much happier.

- Sometimes life seems to not play in my favorbe unfair .
- Going through mythis darkness
- and finally seeing the light has showed me

Quiet a sad story you have there Mary, however, you know that there is always that light at the end of the tunnel as well as the rainbow after all the rainy days.

You did write this essay well, I'd like to remind you of the linking verbs, you seem to forget that you have them and you need them as part of your sentences, they may seem a few little characters but they definitely make a huge difference, they complete your sentence.

Undergraduate / UW Short Response. How would you contribute to this community? [3]

- I was born in Viet NamVietnam ( you are Vietnamese, so you should be able to write the name of your country very well ) ,
- butand soon I left Viet Namthe country to start High school
- and it also teachestaught me to
- have mutual respect towards other racesnationality. And, and having

- I come from a very different part of the world, soand I am excitedly

- Wrapping this up, withM y background and viewpoints

Danh, this are my thoughts on your essay. My only concern is that I don't see the essay to be strong enough, however, it's well written and what I suggest that you do to make your essay stronger is to write more about your capacity to contribute to the community, cite examples of volunteer work or any ideas that you have in mind that will help the community as a whole.

Undergraduate / Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, world citizen... [3]

Amani, I'd like to share my thoughts.

First of all, you did took a risk in writing this essay, you made sure that it will catch the attention of your readers, trigger questions and make your essay matter.

The essay is written well, quiet entertaining, risky, full of doubts, questions to be answered that only a specified observation will be able to answer or maybe not, maybe we just leave it to nature and for science to unfold itself, however, we ought to say no, we, as human being risk everything to get answers to questions that puzzle us, which is good and takes a lot of effort.

Now, if I were ask if you are a good writer, absolutely yes, you made sure that your readers are pinned on your article, you make sure that the readers are clipped to getting to know what your goals are, what your views of the matter is and what we can do to attain such goals.

Lastly, you made room for your readers to figure out what they could've done and what they can still do to make a small change everyday, because a small change is a change after all. No small thing should be left out, each single small effort is an effort and change will come with constant practice and cooperation.

I'm glad that I came across your essay and had read about it, it's just fascinating and entertaining altogether.