Undergraduate / Blurred Vision among American adults - Common App Personal Essay [6]

Julia, honestly, the revised essay is far better than the original one.
The paragraphs you made out of the full essay looks a lot better now, you can definitely see what difference it makes,
it's not an eye sore now and you can draw a lot of people to read your essay and help you with it.
Also, the message of your essay has streamlined to it's purpose and this is very crucial in making sure that your
essay answers the prompt.

Just for future reference, as much as you want to impart personal situation in your essay, refrain from flooding the essay with information, find the ones that are stronger than the other and include this and only this information on your essay, this is to avoid making your essay a plea of pity or hopelessness.

Well, that's about it for me, I wish you all the best!!

Undergraduate / Blurred Vision among American adults - Common App Personal Essay [6]

Julia, I have a few remarks for your essay.

- posting the prompt will help us give you a better insight and enhancement of your essay
- paragraphing the essay will help in the overall presentation of your essay
- an essay should have the introduction, the body and the conclusion
- on the conclusion part, it will also add a personal touch if you have a couple of sentences that pertains to your personal
view of the subject

I'd like to share my thoughts on what I consider part of the conclusion of your essay.

- was preserved but includedand played a great part in her life were now,
- WhichThis led to me to missing lots of school days in junior year,
- dependability and attention to detail make that tothat will my dream a reality.

There you have it Julia, I hope my remarks and guidelines help in enhancing you essay.

Undergraduate / "Failure Is Inevitable" - College Personal Essay [8]

Kierre, I'd like to help out on enhancing your essay.

- From a young age we were instilled with the idea of winning wasis ( always use the present form of the verb when quoting a statement ) better than losing.

- Nobody wanted to be thea loser.
- In my case I'mwas always headstrong about succeeding in everything I diddo .
- I realized that failingfailure was inevitable

( I suggest paragraphing the essay in two, then your final paragraph)

- For wW hen I was young I had not yet
- experienced much outside of playing in the sandbox outside ,
- Your eE ntrance into high school
- With thatThat being said, my goal for freshman
- I had already had years
- I breezed through my routine without any worries.

- Later tT hroughout the year
- I failed at makingdidn't make it to the cheerleadingthe team for my high school buthowever, I amwas blessed with
- another opportunity that I now could not imagine never being a part ofI now consider a part of my nature .
- This experience marked the beginning of my maturation as well.my maturity and now I now believe that...

There you have it Kierre, I'm sorry if I made my remarks too straight forward but I know they're needed in order to make your essay stonger.

Scholarship / How can study in Sweden and Masters degree help you reach your goal? Your Future plans? M.Letter [3]

- I decided to pursue a master's degree in Sweden whichas they are known to prioritizes real world problems.
- ideas and opinions will help me think innovativelydevelop in an innovative manner .

Lakshmik, as much as your essay talks about your intended country to study your masters, the essay is asking you for the information that led you to choosing the university and the course you are about to take. Therefore, I suggest that you omit a couple of sentences and boost the body of the essay towards the needed information of the prompt.

Let's continue.

- Group whichthat develops techniques

- With the knowledge I gain from the academia at KTH I suggest you elaborate the study or the learning that you gained from KTH that influenced your decision to apply to this institution, this is really crucial for the success of your application ) and the network

- I develop with the industries will helpassist me in the future to

There you have it Lakshmik, I hope I'm able to help.

Grammar, Usage / "It's a writer&character-based film that is mostly in touch..." - sentence from an essay about film [4]

Rose, I agree with Louisa, it would be best if you cut this sentence into two, here's my take on the sentence.

- It's a writer/ character - based film that is mostly in touchpertains towith the literature.
- and also novelizesIt encompasses the issue of fate in ana very effective way manner.'

There you have it Rose, I believe forming two sentences out of your idea is better than putting everything in one sentence with a lot of thoughts going on around it.

Looking at the sentence you made and compare it to the sentences after the revision, it turned the sentence to be more engaging and I must say, more comprehensive without deleting the idea rather keeping it intact and stronger.

I hope my remarks help and we would appreciate if you could post the entire essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Graduate / Debts and Loans - 'money has a great role in each section of human life' - IELTS2 [6]

- People living in megapolisesthe metropolis work for
- with its per centspenalty they are endangerin danger to lose their houses.

- SecondlyNext , lack of money
- Of course not !
- That's why it doesn't matter how much is one's wagesalary for a month is ,
- banks have to discuss the idea then decide whether they want to support it or not .

- Thirdly,P eople who have problems
- It is well-known fact that the most brainiest individuals are risenwho garnered good education rise from poverty
- understandable they want to prevent their moneysecure their finances but also clerks
- they also have to understand they are ruining lives.

- ConcludingIn conclusion , I canmust say only that it is
- very heavyunacceptable to live with heavy debts and
- one should think very muchfirst before turning to banks, because besides the money they
- lend you as a bonus also manycomes with a lot of rules, many percents and sinister things whichthat are hidden in every loan.

Mary, this is the final set of corrections on your essay, I spent a considerable hour to tackle it and honestly, it's not looking good at all, I mean the way you write is a direct translation of your ideas, I'm not saying that it's wrong or unacceptable, however, when writing, you have to fine tune and use the proper words that better describe your ideas, more so, use different words in your sentences and not one word all through out the essay.

Scholarship / Maritime defense - Chevening (leadership) to write essays as answers for their questions [3]

Neo, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay, well, indeed it's last minute and the Chevening Scholarship is wrapping up, anyhow, it's not too late, you still have a little time, having said that, I'll work on the last 3 paragraphs of your essay, I believe this is the part that needs a little bit of enhancement.

3rd paragraph
- NearingTowards the end of my
- first year in the military band,
- to persuade a few out of manymembers to stay.
- From then on , I learned that leadership
- From then onIn this regard , I took on the job of section leader and head secretary.

4th paragraph
- ProceedingMoving forward to the polytechnic (high school),
- leadership position. B,b eing the team leader of my final year project group ,
- During the startIn the beginning of the project,

Final paragraph
- I learntT hroughout the years that leadership is not simply just being strict and in control.
- I did not change buthowever my perception of leadership changeddid ,
- from the young immature viewpoint to the realiz ation of what it really isleadership and life is a whole .

Neo, I know that were against time now and this is not good, for future applications, mind your time and manage it well and I do hope my direct remarks helped!

Graduate / Debts and Loans - 'money has a great role in each section of human life' - IELTS2 [6]

Mary, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.

- difficulties connectedting with money,
- Not in a very far past, ( don't forget your punctuation marks, breath) people borrowed
- and sometimes because sometimes they'reof they were not able to give
- including even stopping being in touchcontact with each other .
- Now instead of this traditional method of gettingborrowing the needed money,
- we have banks which give some amounts of moneythat provides our financial needs .
- There are many reasons why people borrow great quantities of money from banks today.
- are really unable to give back as a reason of which they even are put into theand even end up in prisons,
- but to mehowever it is more important to make it easy to take loans.

- Firstly , in many cases lack of moneyfinancial gain causes family divorcesfeud .
- Many families collapse because they do not have the opportunity
- to increasesustain their cost of living.

Mary, as you can see, there's a lot of work to be done in your essay, I take a break and I'll get back to you as soon as I can to complete the remarks.

Undergraduate / Collaborating with different people [4]

Mary, it would help us a lot if you post the prompt of the essay you are responding too, this way we will be able to see if the essay answered the prompt properly or if the transition is good, etc., anyhow, let me help you with grammar and the overall essay presentation.

- ideas started to dramatically change dramatically .
- High school made my spectrumcreated an even wider horizon ,

- In high school, I met many people who had conflicting life styles with mine.
- ( Mary, before jumping to the "cosmetology" subject, make a connection between the sentences.
I engage myself in Cosmetology and it put me to work
- Everything was flipped on me because I had
- Mostly everyoneof the students in my class enjoys parties,
- I was a fish out of water with them , and when

- My feelings were altered because no longer wasI was no longerI feeling inferior to them.
- It was just them telling mea very warm conversation about their life.
- The stories they told me were meant to amuse me,

- Everyone does different things within their lives,
- to everyone, even if they are completely different from meregardless of anything .

Mary, this are my direct corrections on your essay, mind the connections of your sentences as this will definitely make or break your essay, this will also determine the flow of your essay and how the readers look at it.

Undergraduate / Destroy and Build the Word with Scissors - CommonApp Essay about Personal Dilemma [10]

1st paragraph
- To explain, I probably have to explain two other things: My personality and Star Wars.
- From my very earliest of days,

Final paragraph
- I feel like I've lost a little bit
- about how instead of being just a scissor,
- I also want to say how I want to get more into film, becauseFilm is where I feel I can help create "magic"

- by breaking things apart into smaller steps duringand turn them into a movie process.
- but I don't know how that will fulfill the background prompt.( this phrase is not necessary )

Sanak, honestly, with this revision of your essay, it didn't improve from the original one.
I would also not let you re - purpose this prompt into your UC personal statement.

For the next essay, I suggest that you do a completely different one, something strong and with emotion, write from the heart with the purpose aimed at your academic success.

Letters / 'benefit from the opportunities' - Letter of Motivation for Master Program in Development Studies! [3]

Mayara, below are the final remarks.

4th paragraph
- There I had classes at the United Nations with diplomats,
- BesidesIn this regard , to further my

5th paragraph
- All of thosethis ( however the verb is done in the past, you are referring to our credentials and they should take the present form )

- pursue a career that will allow me to work in policy makingon formulating policies while making

Final paragraph
- Given my past history of commitment and dedication to the study of development challenges,
- I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to yourthe program.
- I am sureaim to exceed your expectations,
- because ofwith my academic skills
- I am confident that I would flourish in that environmentwithin the institution to be of service to the nation .

There you have it, the only thing that I want you to remember is to make sure that when you are writing a letter of motivation, know that you are writing to build yourself up and make yourself known to the institution, that you can be a great addition to them as much as they are to you.

Letters / 'benefit from the opportunities' - Letter of Motivation for Master Program in Development Studies! [3]

Mayara, I'll work on your essay, I'd like to let you know that a motivation letter, though it says it's a letter, it still needs to be written in an essay format.

It would help if you do a little research before coming up with your letter, how to do it, what are the information to include, the body of the essay and your personal inputs, this are just a few elements of the motivation letter and an essay as a whole.

So let me see what I can do, first three paragraphs first.

- With this letter I would herebyI would like to express

- Being a citizen fromof an emerging
- tools toand attempt to deal with
- After passing the entrance exam at the bestin two of the best universities in Rio de Janeiro,
- There I graduated with specializations in

- on the relationship between foreign policy and industrial policy
- during President Lula's government,

This are my thoughts so far, I'l get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Out of the few universities that I visited and applied for, UCF stood out the most. COLLEGE ESSAY! [10]

Vineeth, you've written a far more better essay from the original one and this is very good.
This means that you take constructive criticism and you work it out from there,it's also good to know that
with a collaborative effort of EF contributors you are able to come up with a stronger essay.

For future reference, please find the following guidelines;
- go straight to the point
- reserve some information that can be used for the next succeeding essays needed for the application
- be objective all the time
- keep your ideas mainstreamed to the purpose of your essay

Lastly, as much emotion you want to pour into the essay, have some reservation, you don't really want the admission panel to have a different take

on you as a person just from your essay, remember, the goal is to catch the panels attention and earn that slot for admission.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / "Fashion to me means how one expresses themselves in a creative way..." FIT admissions essay [3]

- Fashion tofor me means

- I'm the perfect candidate for thea perfect match for Fashion Institute of Technology
- because I am a driven and confident person who
- is eager to transfershare her skills and her experiences
- to become a successful studentcontributor and student in the institution .
- as a fashion buyerend market .
- Being that New York City provides
- fashion industry, I am convinced
- I believe my experiences have assisted my understandings ofundertaking in the fashion
- Technology is the perfect schoolright institution to pursue my career.

Jessica, this are my thoughts on your essay, for future writing reference, refrain from using small words in describing an institution or a company, you have to build the company that you want to be a part of, this is one way of telling them that you are dead serious in gaining admission.

Writing Feedback / Protecting wild animals or providing facilities for citizens by government [2]

- wild animals at the first glance may not seem important.( this phrase contradicts the first phrase of the sentence )
- emphasized by the government or
- if animals in the environment can beis a more serious
- issues to be invested money in themon .
- which I shallwill discuss in this essay.

- Wild animals are important parts ofin the ecosystems.
- If they become extinction , the environment will lost its balance.
- Which means, each species of animals have their own position in the environment .
- For example, many food chains can be found in the certain area. ByWith the extinction of one species,
- makesgives a sense of happiness,

-People need to be protected by government or other nations.
- Food, education and housing are basic needs of different peoplehuman existence .
- Providing these facilities is very expensive for the government, therefore, government staffs should spend the wholethat's why a fare portion of the budgets is allocated on the welfare of citizens.

- What is more, by emerging thewith modern technology
- people can compensate some problems in the environment without natural processwork and be productive without affecting nature .

- Investing in some modern devices, human life can be independent from other creatures.

Well, overall, I must say, my head hurt in trying to follow where you are leading your essay. I did a lot of corrections to make sense of your essay, I hope it helped.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation For Game Developer in Norwegian University Programme [9]

Muhammad as much as this essay is called Letter of Motivation, you don't have to write it in a letter format rather in an essay format.

Let me try to help you out.

- to see in a local market and
- was afraid of the crowd and beingget beaten
- I hardly gotget the chance to play
- I saw first saw a computer in my cousin's home

- in my academic career ofin high school and
- I learned a lot in my present job and due towith my dedication,

- Obtaining a quality of masters of science from

- With my passion in the game industry and
- the desire to study,
- well in this program. I also believe that I can makeand render a significant contribution to this programthe institution .
Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.
Yours sincerely,( this sentences can be deleted )

That's about it for me, I hope the direct corrections I made helped.

Undergraduate / 'Tell us about your college career to date ...' - UW Seattle Personal Statement - Academic Elements [5]

Muhammad, first stop, you started your essay too personal and on a negative outlook, it may seem to have started good but not quiet, however, you were able to manage and get back on track just like how you manage your grades.

Let me share my thoughts further.

- I took the challenged myself by taking

- I hope to either becomeaim at becoming a successful UX Designer.
- I constantly survey students on how they want to see the campus

- and amI'm currently on that track.
- because I've always have hadas I develop a passion
- I know that UW will helpassist me in achieving my goals
- in beingbecoming a successful student, UX Designer and a person overall.

There you have it Muhammad, I made direst corrections on your essay, I hope it helps.

Scholarship / Leadership is not about titles, positions, or flow charts. It is about one life influencing another. [2]

Anvar, pulling your leadership essay from a quote is a refreshing way to begin your essay, I have seen a lot of applicants do different strategies in order to out do others and emerge from the competition, your idea of highlighting a quote is a rather unique approach.

I wish I will be able to enhance it further, please find below;

- For me, Leadership is being
- My firstAn experience of
- Being a second year student with worthycompetitive English language
- and a renewed sense of self-beliefconfidence ( self - belief is like being narcissistic) .
- finally the result of their hard studywork - entering the university.
- This practice taught me that leadership is not only about advantages for a leader oneself ,

- Also, I also believe that
- leadership skills as my occupation in the bank requires
- I am employed in the National
- which deals with abroadinternational money transfers in foreign currencies.
- I had the opportunity to display initiative to solve acute problemsminor issues .
- For instance,T here was a case when
- correspondent banks and other foreign institutions, this also lead to a better understanding of the international process and procedures that definitely taught me the values of a good leader, seek answers to address the issue .

- In the future I eageraspire to be a greater leader
- I believe that gettingmy admission to the Chevening Scholarship
- and education in the UK is the key forto a forthcoming young leader...

Anvar, this are my remarks on your essay. The submission is almost over so be sure that you do wrap this as soon as you can and submit accordingly.

I wsih you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch (majoring in filmmaking) - "why us" essay [4]

Anabelle, as much as i loved reading your essay, I find that it lacks the ability to back you up in this challenge towards admission to NYU.

The essay is like a summary of how you have a love-hate relationship of your chosen career, however you justify your career choice it doesn't answer the question, WHY NYU?

I suggest that you revise your essay and follow the guidelines below.
- what is your academic goal
- what are the research or steps that you took in order to come up with the decision in choosing NYU
- what does NYU have that will assist you in achieving your goals, career and personal goals
- should you be admitted to NYU, what are the attributes that you have that will benefit NYU in return

Anabelle, you have word restriction that may limit you from answering the prompt in full details but this should not restrain you from coming up with a stronger essay for admission in NYU.

I wish to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Writing Feedback / 'Marx's views have shaped the world that we live in today' - Essay on Marxism [3]

Christopher, I totally agree with you, nobody will be able to grasp Marxism without digging deep into the ideology or even reviewing them first before writing about it.

I commend you for coming up with an in depth analytical view of the subject. Believe me, I'm no expert on this subject matter, it would be nice to read and review the subject again but it just doesn't come to me, now, going back to your essay, I say it's written well and the paragraph format makes it easy to read and comprehend.

More so, your ability to factor in and incorporate a lot of ideas into one essay is very critical however, you were able to manage it very well.

Your vocabulary skills is also very significant in coming up with a powerful essay, a more analytical way of looking at this ideologies and roll them into an essay that is apt to the level of a normal reader. Believe me, I tried to read and emerge into this ideas but some of the words used in the context is just overwhelming that I have to look them up in the dictionary every after couple of sentences, you made it reachable and light for readers like me.

Lastly, you have diced up the idea and the concept of German ideology and made it known to a certain level.

Research Papers / Research Paper- Benefits of Technology and Children- Peer Review due tonight! [2]

Kendra, here's my thoughts on your research paper.

Positives:
- you made a very interesting paper on modern day technology
- a good writer does not only rely on the research itself but also to what she has learned about the subject and that is just what you did

- the paper does not only depict the advantages and disadvantages of technology in our lives but also showcase you writing skills,
you made sure that you'll be able to bring a little bit of everything altogether.

Negatives:
- not much really, for future reference, just try to keep your ideas in one paragraph and elaborate it from there, following this, create a new paragraph for a new set of ideas that you have, this way there is a uniformity in your paragraphs.

Work citation is also very well done.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay task 2 -Damage of the environment is an inevitable consequence of worldwide improvements [2]

Emra, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

-Nowadays, environmental damage is
- a controversial issue facing many nations around the world is facing .
- Some people argued that the rise of the standard of living greatly causingcaused environmental damage.
- Others contendargue that there is no

- The first thing about environmental damageFirst things first, this is that it is athe result
- Therefore, the rise of the standard ofmodern living put a cost to our environment and thus, efforts should be taken to prevent it.

- is a consequence of the standard of livingway we live , but it is also influenced by the society's own negligence.
- ThusTherefore , the environmental damage is a consequence
- of both human negligence and the standard of livingwhat we do and what we don't do towards keeping our environment's survival .

There you have it Emra, I wish my remarks helped, I do believe that you need to expand your vocabulary as you used very few words over and over through out the essay, make it a hobby to read, this helps you increase your vocabulary.

Research Papers / Postpartum depression - Research Paper - Looking for constructive criticism [2]

Felicia, I'd like to share my thoughts on the better part of your essay.

- The partner and/or family member(s) will havecan expect an increase in their duties;
- because not only isdoes the mother being impactedaffected by this disorder,

- The main reason why there is a small number of women
- being diagnosed and treated is because there is athe lack of recognition.

-These methods encourage the mother to take control overof her own mental
- These methods will help speed up the recovery for the mother, child, and otherthe rest of family members around.

Felicia, I'm not so sure of the facts you have gathered in your essay as I haven't really looked them up, I just want you to be sure that the facts and figures are correct because this will make or break your essay. Also, you have to be sure and make up your mind in which linking word are you going to use such as "and/or", partner/father, etc., this will give you a better look and construction of essay not to mention being able to read the paper better.

Overall, your research paper is written well, I also suggest that you add a little of your opinion regarding the subject at hand but be sure to be objective.

Undergraduate / Development trajectories of Indian economy since Independence - correcting errors in the SoP [7]

Aiden, thank you for taking my remarks into consideration and as you can see there is a lot of help that you can get from EF contributors, now let me share my thoughts on this part of the essay.

- After diligently following the newspaper articles by P. Sainath, one of the first Indians who has worked on the agrarian crisis extensively, and perusalingperusing (is the right for of this word in conjunction to your sentence )

- "Those Who Did Not Die:Impact of the Agrarian Crisis on Women in Punjab" revelatedrevealed ( this is the right form for this word ) the reality of women caught in the vortex of the agrarian crisis.

The correction above should be perfect for your essay.
Aiden EF is a collaboration of educators and writers and it's absolutely great that you keep our remarks and follow through, this gives us the a lot more reason to do our job and continue to be of service to you and to fellow educators.

I hope you continue writing and spread the news about EssayForum.com
Best of luck!!!

Graduate / Architecture is a unique industry. In my world, Architects are gods. 500 word application essay. [5]

Anita, as much we would like to be personal on our writing pieces, I don't agree on your approach of this letter.

You started it with admitting your weakness, which is ok but not ideal when your aim is to prove your capability in studying this subject and make it a profession.

Remember, what you are in this essay is what you will present to the admission panel and you don't want them to see your weakness, I mean I don't want you to pretend that you don't have any weakness at all, but maybe we can incorporate that in the body of the letter and not in the beginning.

It's not ideal to start on the negative side of things, more so, you do have a pretty good knowledge about the architecture industry so build up from this and point out the strength and your capacity in learning this subject.

Leaning towards the end of the essay, this is are my thoughts.

- he stoodpointed out say that people should
- not be afraid to challenge the status quo and although Architects certainly do challenge the status quo in their work ,
- they rarely challenge it within their offices.( this phrase is not necessary )
- Architecture is a traditional apprenticeship based on profession

I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / "Jonathan, you're just not good enough" - Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance - Personal Essay [4]

1st paragraph
- my prior confidence and enthusiastic sparkenthusiasm were replaced by

3rd paragraph
- I earned a place i n the team
- my determination instilled values in me that I have applied to many other facets of my life.

Final paragraph
- It was thisis determination that motivated me to achieve
- my goals andthat which I never would have been able to dream.

There you have it Jay, I made my remarks direct to the point in order for you to see the difference of the essay on a different perspective.

I hope my remarks helped, for future reference, try not to use the same words all through out your essay, play with words, and oh, reading a lot can help your vocabulary, so try to do so if you have free time, also, don't forget the purpose of your essay, you tend to go beyond it's purpose or what the prompt is asking so be very careful. Overall, your essay is written pretty good. Good luck!

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Samrudha, let me share my thoughts, though your first paragraph is the story of what sparked your interest in Engineering, it should not be written as dark as it is.

Try to mellow it a little bit, such as;

Back of the stage is where I took a spot in watching a play for an inaugural ceremony, everything and all that the program was about to do seemed to be doing pretty well until, a snap from one of the wires that linked the microphones and all that is needed for the stage to function left the event high and dry. On my side however, it sparked an interest in this vast complexity of wirings, mechanics and Engineering in general. (at this point you can continue with this sentence below)

- This was a herald which made me change my specialisationspecialization to electronics and telecommunication...

To start your essay on a positive note, a vibrant environment also draws readers and the admission panel to your essay. More so, it speaks about yourself and the kind of person you are.

Remember, your black and white writing is like your heart and soul and taking a risk in writing an essay that starts with a negative note is not worth it.

I wish my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / "Great East Japan Earthquake" - it changed the whole my life [4]

Jay, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

1st paragraph
- distance made me feel as though the world was truly endingworld is going to end .
- School buildings and apartment complexesBuildings throughout mythe city, were utterly destroyed.
- On the newsT sunamis rose to record heights of over 100 feet,

2nd paragraph
- Soon, I adjusted to my life in America

3rd paragraph
- A motivation arose within me, one that inspired me to help those in need- people who live in poverty and pain inspired me .

Final paragraph
- then I would be a very different person than I am today.
- Thus, it is because of the most disastrous event in the history of Japan
- that I have been given the most wonderful gift known to man:
- a desire to change the lives of those who need it the most.

Indeed, very heart warming and true to the facts essay you have there Jay.
I made a few corrections that can hopefully enhance your essay and ultimately, to decrease the word count.

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Samrudha, I'd like to commend you in coming up with a detailed essay, it's precisely written for it's purpose.
However, looking at your essay on a different perspective, as much as I would like to get to know you with your essay, I think it's a bit lengthy.

You took too much space on elaborating your technical skills and know- how, don't get me wrong, yes you have to detailed and elaborate in your essay but you have to make sure that there is not much information on your essay to the point that you are drowning the reader.

What I suggest for you to do is to shorten the technical part of the essay like this below;

- Softwares like Eagle, TopWin, Keil, Proteus, MATLAB, Xilinx,etc., are some of...
- These softwares provides computational model of the circuit to enhance the understanding of complex phenomenon of circuit designs and components. Attending workshop on Embedded system uplifted my inclination towards Micro Controllers and Micro Processors.(this sentences can be deleted )

- Coupled with my skills in programming languages like C, C++ I learnt in 11th n 12th, I started writing
- programs to control the behaviourbehavior of electronic circuitry.
- Deeply kindled by my zest for electronics I spent the spare time in my home designing small electric circuits like smoke alarm, infra red door alarm, remote controlled home appliances and some other wireless circuits.

This are just a few of the sentences that can be deleted, believe me they don't affect the overall purpose of your essay, it helps your essay not to look so rowdy or overloaded with information.

I hope my remarks help.

Graduate / "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think" PhD SOP [3]

Maryam, I agree with Louisa, you did a personal statement and not an SOP.
An SOP is an essay highlighting your academic achievements and your future career and professional goals.
You are obviously having doubts on what to write in your essay, so I suggest you do the following guidelines.

- know the purpose of your essay
- it won't hurt to do a little research on your target audience for your essay
- know the informations and facts that should be included in your essay.
- conduct a healthy comparison of your essay or your ideas here on EF, a lot of students has written good SOP's already and they will definitely help you

get your essay done.

I'm not saying you have to completely do a new essay, just revised it and lead it towards stating your purpose, your goals and academic achievements should be the highlight of your essay. I wish to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / 'dreams as big as oceans'; I wrote this statement of purpose for an exchange application [3]

HI Ailia, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- I'm a girlperson ( this word is more mature and professional ) with
- dreams as big as the oceans.

- Butand since I like challenges,
- I optedfollowed their suggestion and embarked a new journey towardsfor premedical
- at inter-level in college. I literally took it as a challenge.
- After getting done withcompleting inter- level ,
- I aspired to be a journalist because:,m y country
- Also, I also hate the fact
- therefore if I spendingsome of my time studying in
- the US it would certainly help me in achieving my career goals .

This are my contribution towards the enhancement of your essay. I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / Development trajectories of Indian economy since Independence - correcting errors in the SoP [7]

- yet susceptible byto the development
- one specific issue specifically really
- made me question my own self
- and that was oregarding f farmer suicides in the country.
- And,T his is why I felt that
- it is necessary to understand the delicatecomplicated situation
- and the seeking of novel forms
- Hence, i t is this challenging
- through learning about theories and programs

This are my thoughts on your essay. Hargun, the only thing that I see as an issue is the use of the words, some of the words are not in the right place or not in the right thought of the sentence, the way you want it to appear in your essay.

I hope that my remarks helped.

Scholarship / How computers change our working conditon? [3]

Loung, this are my remarks for the rest of your essay.

3rd paragraph
- Another point worth stating out is that computers
- as the tiniest spots of the universe( this phrase is not necessary ) ,
- are nominated into as the dominators of nature who could "traverse"
- AlsoA t this point evolve the term evolve "Nomad workers"
- colleagues anywhere they they like as long as strong internet connection is sustainable.

Final paragraph
- eased off the pressure placed on each individual
- while improving the efficacy of the working process.
- workers can now be more flexible in their jobs,
- become proactive in theproductive and following their own schedule, and thus,
- more degree of self-contentment could beis achieved.

Loung, as you can see there's still a lot of work to be done for the last and final paragraph in your essay, however as I said there's always a room for improvement.

I hope my remarks helped.

Scholarship / How computers change our working conditon? [3]

Loung, first of all, it will help if you have the prompt posted here on EF too. It will help us properly evaluate your prompt and answer the question if you were able to answer the prompt given.

I'd like to take your essay one paragraph at a time.

1st paragraph
- Looking back at the history of mankind history ,
- as stepping stones for various humankind's historical turning points.
- AndN ow comes the most anticipated era,

2nd paragraph
- we should point our scopeI'd like to turn into the working environment of factories.
- how a drastic a degree have computers changed the way we work.
- with a machinery one, rendering factories

Loung, this is my initial remarks on your essay, what I notice here is your word use, you seem to place them in the wrong post or order in your sentences.

I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Scholarship / I have organized a mega sport event. Will this fact help me to convince on my leadership skills? [3]

HI, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

Reading throughout your essay, I must say that the process towards executing your leadership skills is written in a way that we as readers were able to follow.

I like the fact that you made the essay very detailed from the forming of the group all the way to proper designation of tasks and the victory in the end, you were their all through out the process and you made sure that everybody is in the same page. This traits is indeed, the traits of a good leader.

Now, I'd like to focus your thoughts on the last paragraph of the essay, I believe it can be further enhanced.

Oh, the word environment , correct it as well.

Final paragraph

- We got more thanWith over 50% participation
- it was the biggest achievement of thatfrom the event for me and my team.
- The event went aslike gravy train.
- That event was Eldorado in my career as it providesd me with the
- opportunity to practice and refine my skills ofin leadership.
- have ability to organize a team that have samewith one goal,
- remainbe consistent, passionate,
- throughout your journey and you will achieve yourthe desired goal.

There you have it, for future writing reference, make sure to include your linking verbs as they complete the sentences.

Undergraduate / A Place That Makes You Dream [2]

Brittney, first of all, it would be helpful if you posted the prompt as well so that the contributors will be able to justify if you have written the essay in response to the prompt. For now, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- buthowever I think, in a way I took it for granted.
- plus I tried new foodslocal cuisine .
- While I didDoing these things I discovered
- I thought to myself, if thesethis small towns in thesethis ( remember the difference of "these" and "this" and use them appropriately in your sentences ) huge countries hold some of the greatest things,

- support myself when I traveled , so how would I do that?
- combinedcoupled with my love for beauty
- and blogging would be put to usewill definitely be useful .

- duewithto the glorification of fair skinned women in the country.
- and learn more about the lands that I go toplaces I visit .

- Who would think that a school trip could conjure up huge dreams?
- WhileP reparing for my trip, I never expected to plan my future, as well.

Brittney, the ending of your essay surprised me a lot, is this a supplement essay for UM?, well, if it is, it's not that strong, well written but needs a lot more information on the part of your academic background and goals.

Anyhow, I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / 'failure to audition for drum major'. Common App - "The Major Goal" [3]

- In the marching band,

- I talked with theto two new drum majors,
- When April arrived, my director sent out the emails regarding auditions.
- I wrote my request, notingwith the emphasis on my passion for the activity,

- year of potential friendships and experiences.

- Those years will holdThe coming years will form new friends and stories, and my

Harrison, you made this story very soft and easy to comprehend, readers and moderators will definitely agree with me that your essay is packed with heart, dedication to the craft and the power to let everyone know that failure is always coupled with success, learning and a lot of figure - things out episode. Indeed, if there's one thing life to offer, it's constant change, change for the better and the cycle continues.

Anyhow, I made a few remarks, I hope they help in enhancing your essay and by the way, avoid writing in direct translation of ideas, keep your sentence in present form.

Scholarship / I hope to expand my social and professional network and meet more people in Chevening [3]

Julia, I hope you understand how serious the Chevening scholarship is, it's a very competitive scholarship that builds students from ground up.
The prompt, first of all, is asking for your professional background when it comes to networking that leads to becoming a good and sound leader.

Now, I did a thorough understanding of your essay, you lost a few points already, you made an essay where you made the admission staff think of facebook and all this social media sites, I understand that this may be some sort of networking for you but this is not what will make you into an effective leader let alone be able to participate in the Chevening scholarship program. All this social media sites and following is solely for your leisure time, don't get me wrong, friends will always be there to help you out and make things better but this is not the case when it comes to this application.

What I suggest for you to do, is to streamline your academic standing, cite experiences where you draw a following, like shouting out for a cause in school that led to a movement, maybe a school activity that you have in mind that created an organized association or a simple thought of coming with a better understanding of a task that led to it's proper execution. Examples like this does matter when answering this particular prompt.

Remember, the Chevening Scholarship is one of the sought after scholarships there is and you don't want to miss your chance of taking a spot, so revise you application, follow through from the advice you got form EF contributors and advisers and you should be able to come up with a powerful essay.

I hope to see the revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / 'A girl with depression, anxiety and without any self-confidence' My experience in helping others [3]

- realm of what is thought of as an average.
- I observed them and their natures .

- The girl had the face of a cherubbinangel ,
- the voice of a sirenmermaid , and the demeanor
- She was the first person towho look at me as someone of importance,

- Determined not to give up on my first true friend I indulgeduncover her issues,

- Yet, out of all of our long nights, staying up and talking, there is
- TheThat one night I was not available
- and just so happened to coincided with her darkest day.

Very intriguing and interesting piece of writing you have there Daniel, you have the tendencies of writing a thrilling story.
The way you wrote the essay says a lot about you and I must say, you have a very deep understanding of your surrounding, you make sure that you keep a mysterious appearance whilst creating an interesting and intriguing nature.

I made a few corrections, very minor as your essay is written quiet well and it does justify the prompt.

Scholarship / My dream is my advanture - Chevening [3]

Deli, I believe you made your research before you decided to apply for the Chevening Scholarship and by now you already know that the competition is very high, not only that, this scholarship is cast with a wider net that means there will be thousands of applicants with far more achievement than you have, it will be challenging and you need more than academic and professional achievements to succeed in this application.

However, there's still a lot of ways to keep up with the competition.
For one, cast a healthy comparison, research and analytical thinking towards your application.
Keep an open mind and revise your essay, keep it at par and beyond what the prompt is asking, I'd say be creative and expand your horizons towards your approach on this application.

Also, consider writing a more creative piece of essay and combine it with your academic facts.
Your professional background should be emphasized too, remember becoming an efficient follower will definitely hone your leadership skills.
The current essay that you have contains information base on your experiences, this is an absolute must, however you have to enhance them by looking at the bigger picture, you also have to evidently show what the Chevening scholarship can contribute towards attaining your goals.

I hope to see a revised essay for this application posted here on EF so we can assist you further.