Writing Feedback / In-class practice - cheating in college should be punished with expulsion [5]


I like this... very poetic!

Here is a lesson that will always be useful for you:
AFFECT is a verb. EFFECT is a noun. So... use "effect" here instead of affect.


You can use hyphens for this kind of situation:
hard-working, knowledge-craving----That is what a hyphen is for.

Great job with this! To make it stronger, use this strategy: refute the counter-argument (Google that term if you do not know it). That is what the essay is missing. :-)

Writing Feedback / The important memorable day in my life - descriptive narrative essay [3]

When you use "although," you do not need to use "but"...
Although it was my first day in high school, but it was excellent.

"one of the students"
"one of the coins"
"one of the days of the week"
(Always plural)
I was lost and I had to ask one of the student students about the room number where I was going to take a class.

Capitalize the name of the country:... said she was from morocco Morocco.

You have a very nice writing style! :-)

Writing Feedback / Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it? [8]


You can pluralize it this way:
... from different points of view.

And I see that Turbina already pointed out that "moreover" is one word, not 2.

A lot of great corrections are in this thread. I guess you are very popular here, Aria. :-)

Great job! Type it again with the corrections if you have time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prize money and fame as motivation to sporting champions [5]

You don't have to use "whom" in that first paragraph. Just use "who."

Also...
By introducing prize money and giving them an opportunity to attain fame, society has indirectly sent a message about the possibility of career stability in the sport industry. With this change, uncertainty is no longer viewed as a hindrance for them and they strive for excellence in the profession because they are aware that great performance in sport will certainly bring about lucrative rewards. ----I made many changes here. I hope you take this opportunity to type the sentences 10 times each. That will enable you to make your grammar perfect.

You cannot use "has" and "motivates" this way: It has definitely motivates t he athletes to push themselves to greater height .

It has definitely motivated the athletes to push themselves to greater heights.

I agree with your argument! In fact, you explained it in the best way I have ever seen. You are absolutely right when you say that society improves its athletes by offering great financial rewards and career stability.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is environmental damage evitable if a country is developing? [7]

You write very well! And thank you for all the great help you have been giving people. :-)

Here is a little error:
Taking everything into account, I strongly believe that pollution and environmental damage is are avoidable if both the government and people co-operate and take parts in protecting the environment.---There are 2 things, so use "are."

Also, whenever you write an essay the end of the first paragraph is like the sharp point at the tip of the sword. Use that spot for a sentence that tells the main idea of the essay. I think you should add that powerful sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Elderly people alone or with their family (TOEFL Essay) [7]

Great edit, Dumi. I guess that word could also be "homes," because where I live they are usually called retirement homes.
What do you think about it, Teodora? Did you want to write "holes" or something else?

Here are a few ideas:

We must think first and then to choose which way is better in our so busy daily lives.

On In the first place, to live together with your parents means having one really big place for living, where everyone needs to have space for himself. Also you must be more careful ...---You wrote the rest of this paragraph in a very nice way!

Oh, but I see you used "addiction." That is the wrong word.----> In addiction addition, they can take care of their grandchildren.

Okay, practice typing these sentences the correct way.
:-)

Undergraduate / "My Motivation; nothing truly goes as planned or how people want it" - UC Davis [2]

The best thing to do is trim away all the excess and leave only the powerful stuff:
Throughout life, I have learned that Nothing truly goes as planned or how people want it to; and I respect that I accept that truth. With that knowledge, I have come to appreciate the opportunities that I have received thus far. ------See? I like to just trim away asmany words as possible while leaving the meaning.

That leaves more of the reader's attention available to understand your story and the lesson it contains. Nice job! This is my favorite sentence: I can genuinely imagine myself there.

I have always striven to do well in all aspects Can you be more specific?.... but I was without purpose and passion.

:-)

Book Reports / THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS - thesis statement and three topic sentences [5]

Yes, this is a good way to practice. So, think of a topic sentence first. Actually, they want you to answer their questions, so I guess you should make topic sentences out of the answers:

Why does Mariam refuse to call witnesses at her trial?
Why didn't she try to escape with Laila and Tariq?
Do you think Mariam made the right decision?
Even though her life was hard, Mariam wishes for more of it in the end. Why do you think that is?

The teacher should allow you to do 4 topic sentences for the 4 questions. Answer each question with a sentence, and each sentence will be a paragraph topic sentence.

When you have done that much, post it, and we will see if we can help!

:-)

Essays / How to write an essay about yourself ? [15]

Hi Menchie, let's see something you write! I look forward to seeing what you can do. A lot of people improve their skill and make friends here. Welcome to EssayForum! :-)

This makes it easy: Start every paragraph with a TOPIC SENTENCE that tells the IDEA OF THE PARAGRAPH.
Every idea gets a paragraph. Know what I mean? It's easy.

You can have one big theme that you keep referring to, a theme for the whole essay. Express that in the first and past paragraph.

Just make a powerful presentation of yourself. Open up the floodgates of your creativity.

Writing Feedback / "One should never judge a person by external appearances" - TOEFL iBT- subject [5]

Many people use to judge others from their clothes, faces, and families, but...

As I concede, it is natural that fitness, fairness, and so forth are always preferable in society.----Do you see where I added a word? Also, I don't think "as I concede is a good introduction for the sentence. Can you introduce it in a different way?

Moreover, we never could determine the intelligence or fitness of people in terms of their families or living place. For example, some of people who have...----You had an extra word there... :-)

To sum up, I know that always the appearance of people creates a very questionable impression in our mind, and I believe...

Great job, keep practicing!

Essays / Passing By Nella Larsen (a literary analysis paper) [5]


Sounds okay... but I'm not familiar with the story. The answer is not obvious, is it? If it is obvious, it won't make a good essay.

That's some good advice from Byamba, but I want to add another suggestion:
Write the intro last!

One essay = one big idea.
one paragraph = one smaller idea.

Write the body paragraphs. They contain the 3 or 4 ideas that all mash together into your main idea. Know what I mean?

You have to write a paragraph about each of the ideas expressed in the essay, one paragraph=one idea, and then you will know WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. You will know your message.

Only then will you be ready to introduce it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "taking a right business decision" How will you contribute to the study groups in MBA [2]

The percentage of taking likelihood of making a right good business decision in of a diversified group is much higher than it is in a group of people with similar attributes, background and knowledge, the simple reason being the number of ideas and more importantly the solutions which arise in a diversified group is are higher.-------The sentence seems a little too long now, but I had to put the 2 sentences together to make them grammatically correct. If you say "the reason being," it has to be part of the previous sentence. It should not start a new sentence.

I am local, but also international .I worked with very big multinational companies with 500 employees' onsite and managed 50 people on one shift but I also have the experience of running an organisation with just 20 personnel.---Excellent experience, but add a sentence to the end of this paragraph to make it RELATED TO THE MAIN IDEA OF THE ESSAY. That is most important. Make it so that every paragraph helps to express one big idea, which is stated in the introduction, the main idea of the essay.

It will be great if you add a little more reflection and self analysis in this last paragraph:
My rich experience of living and working in different countries, positions and organisations after surviving extremely challenging circumstances will add to the intellectual and otherwise diversity of the student group.

:-)

Thanks for helping people so much at EF!

Writing Feedback / "a merchant in the year 1000 CE" - a diary on the silk road [4]

Let's simplify this sentence:
It was a long journey, to go through but I looked forward to it with great anticipation.

Nice ending!!---> In fact, I was immersed in the mystery and the magic of the Silk Road as a result of travelling to the exotic places which I had never been to before and which I will never forget.---it is possible to take out a few words, as I did, here. No big deal, though. This is good writing!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] environment problem, is it an international problem? [3]

Awesome, Annika... I always am so happy when I see a thread where you participated, because you give high quality help.

This is the "passive voice"...---->This will be proven by analysing the impacts of globalisation on the environment and the advantages of cooperation in an attempt to solve environmental problems which lead the effort to solve these problems individually to meaningless. -----You can google this: difference between active and passive voice.

Also, when you say "This will be proven..." What is this? You mentioned 2 abstract ideas in the first sentence.
Actually, in formal writing it is good if you always follow the word this with a noun.
This claim will be proven...
So.. make that claim clear! :-)

I see that you made the idea perfectly clear at the end of the essay, but the intro paragraph makes it a little muddled.
The body of the essay is great, very clear and logical! Nice job...

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] increasing business and culture contact would lose cultural identities? [2]

...and they enable the globalization to make an advantageous impact on us in several respects.

Besides ,the advantages we have in business, the global culture homogeneity has enriched our lives by enabling us to appreciate a variety of cultures .

Capitalize the word Internet.

.All of these have been integrated with cultural identities and instilled to us in a daily basis, therefore, these experiences are so powerful that override the influences of cultural globalization.---You are so wise! I agree. When cultures blend together like the the sugar and cream in my coffee, it is a beautiful thing. The resultant culture will be no less meaningful than the older cultures.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay on working in professions for faculty [2]


I think this will be better if it says "for" instead of "to"...

I don't see many errors, and it is all quite clear! Here are some ideas:
...between professional work and teaching duty. As we know, one main task for faculty is to conduct lectures and seminars in college and universities, which will take a large amount of time and energy, and this migh t be undermined by too much professional work through attracting time from that for that takes up time that should be spent preparing for the class.

In summary, in on one hand, faculty can't stay in the academic world only for preventing the consequence that students' knowledge will become obsolete and inadequate for discussing the recent researched. In another On the other hand, faculty...

:-) I like your ideas!

Writing Feedback / The Internet has transformed lives and economies_Essay [8]

Oh, I think my brain played a trick on me, and I thought it was okay, but... it is not correct.

However, it is not likely that in the soon time, everybody will think and act in the same way.
You can do this:
However, it is not likely that everybody will soon think and act in the same way.
or
However, it is not likely that in the near future everybody will think and act in the same way.

Writing Feedback / [Anne Boleyn] - Famous person I want to meet [6]


Yeah, I know what you mean. You have to go get the info from the websites, but then you have to explain it in your own way. That can be very difficult for people who learned English as a second language! :-)

Graduate / "Public service" - NYU - Why Wagner, why now, and why you? [5]

Oh, that makes sense! Well if they did not ask about that it would be a great opportunity to show how PROACTIVE you are by telling about how you read articles by these profs, etc...

Anyway, that is just one idea. The point I want to make is that we want the reader to feel a sense of OBLIGATION to give you access to whatever you want, because you have such clear vision of the future with many specific goals and ... clear intentions.

:-)

Writing Feedback / All my life i had been wrong and now i had to pay! [12]


Use a hyphen:
right-minded


Take it easy dumbdumb, you are missing the point of this kind of collaboration. You have to get all sorts of reactions to find out the effect your essay has on people. You did create confusion that detracts from the reader's experience, because the reader immediately thinks of "Mommy" when hearing that name. In order to enhance the reader's experience it might be better to rename Momi.

Also, the way Jamliu challenged you caused you to reflect on little details about your writing, and that sort of metacognitive practice is a big part of what you get from collaborating here. Know what I mean?

That first para is very powerful. Your way of telling the story is really effective. You're very talented, I think! One idea: You cose to be mysterious about who Momi was, but is that necessary? You used great imagery, but the image cannot be complete in the reader's mind if you do not let them know who Momi is.

:-)

Scholarship / "a blind curiosity for medicine" - Education and Life [4]

I agree, Amy!


Well, the prompt calls for discussion of goals... so it might not be necessary to write about financial need.

Years later, as a high school freshman, my appreciation bloomed, and I decided that year that I wanted nothing less than to "grow up one day" and become a physician. ----actually, even though I like Amy's idea, I think this is okay. It's interesting, and the reader will understand what you mean.

During my first year in high school, I even became known for reading medical journals in class and trying to sound "professional" by naming off different symptoms of various diseases.---I cut some unnecessary words to make the sentence sleek. :-) Also, in this sentence I do NOT think it is cool to have the " " marks around professional. The word professional expresses your meaning well and does not need to be in quotes.

My favorite sentence: It is in my opinion that the most beautiful artwork is the practice of medicine.

You need to do more to answer the prompt. And include some response to the prompt in the intro paragraph... show them, early in the essay, that you are clearly explaining why you chose your major and what your goals are.

Get specific, and discuss medical advancements that interest you, medical journal articles you have read, and all the most recent developments in the aspects of medicine that fascinate you. :-)

Graduate / "perseverance and motivation" - SOP in Industrial Engineering for review [11]

Yep, post the revision. Also, when you help other essayists it is good to ask them to come visit this thread. Link them to it. That way you get a diverse assortment of ideas...

:-)

I look forward to seeing your revision!

Writing Feedback / "New Orleans Holiday" - A Holiday Memory -high school English essay [4]


You probably need an apostrophe here, right?

Add a comma:
They serve the best breakfast around, and this was my first time trying it.

Hyphen:
It is actually the oldest and largest all-women organizations.

:-)

You have nothing to worry about! You wrote this with excellent structure, excellent topic sentences... very good stuff, very clear. The only thing it is missing is a profound idea... some observation that makes the essay really meaningful. You will get an A for this, I think, but in the future make sure every essay has some kind of lesson or "moral of the story." Express your profound ideas when you write.

Letters / Leadership, Knowledge, Adversity, Service, Challenge, Goals - insight resume [5]

How many words/characters are you allowed to use for each of these? Be sure to use as many as they allow.

Capitalize "I"...
Do not capitalize high school:
When i was in High School I was in high school I voluntary volunteered for the young people to clean thier garedan for three hour and raising money for babies What do you mean here? Try to find out the name of the organization and look at how they describe what they do. This sentence is not clear.

I just noticed TURBINA'S correction, and I like the way she fixed the sentence! Do you like it, Askal?

The other one is I sending some foods for united state I also helped in an effort to send food to American soldiers in Afghanistan.

My biggest goal that I have for myself is that I want to become radiologist technician so that I can ______________________ (Explain why you want to CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY as a radiologist instead of as some other kind of professional. Explain your unique life plan.

I chose radiology as my profession when I was in grade ten, and I do not expect...

:-) Keep working at it! Do you have any questions about these prompts?

Undergraduate / "Mr. Parcher, my seventh grade basket ball coach" - person who influenced me [5]

I think the person part is not necessary if you have that me part:
a better Christian a better person and a better me.

I will always appreciate the way he always strives to reveal the good and light of a situation.---you can kill one of these "always"... 2 occurrences of the word is too much... ;-)

Oh, I just noticed ASHLEY'S idea for that sentence, and it is a good one! Very eloquent.
Thanks, Ashley, that is the way to share ideas so we can all improve. I wish everyone helped at EssayForum as much as you did here...

Maribel, if this is for admission, every essay should help your CAUSE. What is your cause? It is to show that you have carefully planned your education and that this school is a necessary part of the plan. That means it is good to draw a connection between parcher and this school (i.e. the way he influenced your plan.)

:-)

I think "rock and confident" might be a cliche...
Anyway, you have a very cool way of writing!! Very cool style. I hope these ideas help...

Undergraduate / "the MSE program" - I was waitlisted for UC Davis [3]

The next step is to go give other people your ideas and ask them to look at this thread in return. If you don't collaborate with the other students, I have to do all the work! :-)


Great enthusiasm, but no meaning. Add one special word to this sentence and it will become distinct. Do you know what I mean? One unexpected word.


This is a powerful part of the essay. I wish it was expressed closer to the beginning. You don't need the second paragraph... I think you could condense it into one good sentence that sums up the idea. I would like it if the first paragraph and third paragraph were not interrupted by that middle paragraph.

Ha ha... I hope that makes sense...

Writing Feedback / <Ielts> traditonal skills should be protected? [5]

Here are some ways to write that sentence:
When people are confronted by the situation in which our traditional skills vanish gradually under the fast-developing technology, some people argue that attempting to keep them alive is meaningless.

OR
When people confronted the situation in which our traditional skills vanish gradually under the fast-developing technology, some people argue that attempting to keep them alive is meaningless.

Both are correct! Look at the other changes I made, too. For example, look at "argue"...I changed it to the PRESENT VERB TENSE.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Group-studying couldn't be ignored - it still plays an essential part for us [5]

With many students complaining that a multitude of homework they need to complete are is entirely beyond their capability, some teachers...

assert that to assign group work is the best way to alleviate in order to release their burden, while others argue that studying in groups wastes more time compared with studying alone.

That sense of frustration immerses troubles you consistently, even keeping you away form from being a leader. any more.

Worse still, youngsters tend to turn to be self-centered and form the characteristics of selfishness and arrogance, which drive them away from others and causes them to be isolated.----You wrote a very good sentence here! I made some small changes though. I wrote about the "characteristics of selfishness and arrogance." That improves the clarity.

:-) nice job!!!!!!

Writing Feedback / dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely -Education [3]


Do not use "while" to start a sentence this way. Change that period to a comma:
The speaker says that the education system should help students to chose the fields which are suitable and interesting and in order to help them to get success, while I concede that it is really...

Also, CONCEDE is not the right word. It means to give up and admit the other person is correct. If I concede a point, it means I admit I was wring. So, use the word "assert" instead.

For instance ,Mark Zucherberg, the founder of FaceBook, who choose chose to give up studying...

So we can tell that the students' decision decisions are much more useful and powerful.

In sum, the chance to pursue an interesting and suitable field of study is very important when aspiring toward success.
:-)

Graduate / Career objective and how MBA will help achieve it. [6]


Clever idea, Sri!!!

Decisions are made.
Action is taken.
I strongly believe if right decisions were made and if proactive action was taken at the right time ...

Capitalize the word University when it is part of the name: I reached to a conclusion that MBA from Xxxxx University will empower me to excel in the particular aspect of implementing the theoretical knowledge into practice and I join the voice "Knowledge is not enough".

Writing Feedback / Educational institutions do not mean we can be deprived of what we insist [8]

Whether:
The issue here is weather whether educational institutions should...

dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to be successful. in a certain field.

Okay, excellent, I like your argument!

To put it another way, we do not...

Incomplete: It is the drawing out of what is in the mind,instead of inserting the

To make it more clearer, let's take a look at...

Capitalize the last name: Steve jobs

He has created and become...
He has created such a miracle with little college education and became become one of...

:-)
In this case, it is obvious, then, that it does not...

Writing Feedback / Sports professionals are able to make more money than other occupations [3]

Hello, Baxil! Nice to see you, too. :-)

... it is an unfair distribution of human welfare wealth. Let us examine these two points of view before I give my opinion. ----I changed the grammar here, but I think it is better if you write: Let us examine these two points of view, and I will argue that _______________________ (Give your main idea of the essay, and then end the first paragraph.)

However the althlete advocates would dispute affirm that the good payment is the consequence of long-term, harsh training.---I added a hyphen, changed a word, and added a comma. If I dispute that the good payment is a consequence of harsh training, that means I dispute that idea and believe that it is NOT a consequence of harsh training. The word dispute is strange. It is better to use "affirm."

As we known know, there are thousands of and hundreds athletes all around world, and in order to win...

In my conclusion, although...

:-)

Essays / Martin Luther King Jr.'s Letter From Birmingham Jail - need help interpreting prompt! [12]


If you think of a single sentence that is inspired, energized, you can infuse the essay with life. Its value depends on the significan ce of the main idea. If the main idea is a new idea and a meaningful one, the essay is meaningful.

About the teacher's ambiguity: Why not just ask her? That is what you are supposed to do... teachers are supposed to guide you.

Good luck!! I'm glad you collaborate here with us.

Writing Feedback / Access to defendants' past criminal record - helpful and fair or not? [4]


Hey, I hope you know I was just joking when I said, "No, you don't!" etc.

I was just trying to challenge you a little.

Well, this is how I would do it:
However, the juries are people chosen through a careful and stringent selection process. They are picked to act the role of weighing evidences and testimony to determine if/whether facts presented are true and can be taken as a proof. If so, I believe the juries will carefully weight We hope that juries will weigh the defendant's past criminal records and determine whether it should be considered relevant or not to the case without prejudice or bias, but human error is unavoidable.

I made a lot of changes above: weigh, bias...

:-)

Writing Feedback / When does someone become an adult? Responsibility of an adult. [2]

Great idea. This is the age of COLLABORATION, and it is great to get a diversity of ideas. Posting a question like this on an online forum is a good way to do some original research. If you go to other people's threads and helped them, you can ask them to visit this thread. With enough work, you can get opinions from many people and write a great article.

But anyway, about the IETLS... google this: how to write paragraph topic sentences.

That is the most important thing to do. If you begin each paragraph with a good topic sentence, the essay will be strong. The paragraph can have explanations and examples to support the idea in the topic sentence.

So, if your essay has 5 paragraphs, it might have 3 big ideas. Each body paragraph is an idea.

Here is my contribution: Someone is an adult when they know how to control their emotions. You can be an adult if you control your emotions, and some people are older than you but they are not adults because they cannot control their emotions.

:-)

Student Talk / How to speak English fluently and correctly? [62]

Thanks, boumaaza, I think a podcast like that might be one of the best resources for ESL students.

Scholarship / Nursing: my experince will help the underserviced areas [6]


Okay, I see. The sentence gave me the impression that you were exaggerating. Don't take offense! :-) I am just telling you the effect it had on me as a reader. So... if you add a few words to explain how it was affecting the vertebrae, that might make it a lot better. However, it might just be that I am tripping out about it unnecessarily. :-)

Faq, Help / Adding a plagiarism filter. [7]

Hi Lorenzo, I moved this to its own thread.

So... it's possible to use a filter program that will recognize plagiarism automatically? The designers of EssayForum probably know more about this than I do...

That sounds really interesting. I'll ask about this, thanks for the idea!

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Essays / Martin Luther King Jr.'s Letter From Birmingham Jail - need help interpreting prompt! [12]


hey, wait a minute... I think the teacher may give you an A for a paper like the one you described. What are the "elements of language?" If the teacher did not say what she means by this term, you should be allowed to interpret it to mean logos, ethos, and pathos.

I think the approach you took sounds pretty good.

Anyway, my idea for you is like this: Never start by making an outline. Start by writing one awesome sentence.

:-)

Graduate / "perseverance and motivation" - SOP in Industrial Engineering for review [11]

Hey, this is beautifully written...

I'm not sure what this part means, but I think it has an unnecessary comma:
Lastly, the potential opportunity to, convert to the on-campus thesis option makes the program attractive.
I think that second comma is unnecessary.


It would be very good to cite or mention some recent research, very recent research. That would make this stronger, because it would highlight the way you are already keeping up with advancements in the field, reading journal articles, etc.

tremendous perseverance and motivation; I never give up in seeking my goals.---This is sort of a cliche. It will be much better if you emphasize a specialization that fascinates you, or some other niche interest, and express your tenacity in that pursuit. Let the reader associate you with your niche.

Choose a niche! :-) i.e. specialization
You can go a step further than listing general interests. You can share your unique idea, your unique concept or way of thinking about the field. Burn a hole in the reader's brain. :-)