Undergraduate / The Big Move to Jordan at the age of eight. Common App 2015-2016 Prompt College Essay. [3]

Well, tacolol, since this particular college gave you a topic to write about, you have to abide by it, otherwise you can always choose a different college or organization.

Now, let's tackle your essay;

- It's funny if I think about it ..., ( never add a continuous period on your essay )
- I can remember it clearlyas day ,
- like as if it happened only just yesterday.

- Before I arrived toin Jordan,
- Shyness had overcomereigned on me,
- I did not know why, I seemed to feelfelt excluded

- what would have been like if I had stayed in America
- not evernever known about
- shaped who I am today, giving me an identity of who I really am.
- Ever sS ince then, I've become

There you have it, I hope my remarks helped. Be careful of your word usage, in writing an essay, choose the words that can denote a positive outcome on your essay and this will transcend to the admissions staff.

I wish you the best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Penn State Activities Essay! Tell me if I should include more or revise it! [3]

- One of my favoritethe activities
- that I enjoy doing the most is
- being a part of the
- I took it upon myself to preparethe responsibility of preparing food
- a dish to then send to a shelter in a local town.
- sells ice cream is that it makes people smile!
- Keeping me busy and involved brings theut most joy out of meto my life .
- I like challenges that require me to solve something .

Marco, I believe you have elaborated the activities you enjoy doing in this essay, should you have any hobby or anything that you would like to try later on, you might want to include that too, check if the Penn State has any field or space for other activities that you think you want to be involved in like lawn tennis or any sports that you haven't tried, this is a good way to incorporate the school in your essay.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope I was able to help.

Scholarship / Briefly outline your vocational goals. Describe the factors that have motivated you to pursue your v [2]

- This career decision wasis largely made after
- impeded the growth of a productthe market ,

- Ghana for my high school andthrough college education ,
- the lengthenedlong commutes due to poor roads were irksome.
- got me interested in building a neighborhoods that foster
- community fellowship by making

Oforiwaa, I hope my humble remarks help. Most of the remarks I made is very minor, just to patch a few words that can enhance your essay.

Going back to the prompt, I believe you have covered what is asked in the prompt, I'm not sure if you have a word limit though, reason I say this is because I would also like to suggest that you build your reason on choosing this scholarship and aside form the future goals what will be your short term steps in order to get to your long term goals, I wish you all the best in this application.

Undergraduate / READMISSION ESSAY - why did you leave NYU, what were you doing then, how you finish your course now? [7]

Esther, first of all to be part of NYU is an achievement, having left for your gap year is not the best thing but hey, you do what you have to do and bounce right back up. Failing is a challenge one has to go through to determine what's in store for them and this is a challenge to be taken up and not to be soaked into.

Now, in writing your essay, write as much as you can, you don't need to be answering the prompt in bullet points or in numbers but your essay should give the admissions officer to admit you back in NYU. The questions are guidelines for you to be able to come up with an essay that comprise the information that the admission officer need to know. Don't worry, if they are not content with your essay or if you don't feel that the essay is good enough because the officer will let you know and will tell you what to do next, normally they will let you come in for a follow up interview to verify a few information that will justify re- admission.

I may not be an expert in re-admitting students but here's what I can say, your essay is more of the details why you failed and continue failing, this leaves a negative impact on your application, the admission staff will look for your eagerness to get back on track, go back to school, continue learning and make the best out of your time in NYU.In writing so, you have to prove that you have full dedication in your education and unwavering support to NYU and NYU alone.

Along with your will to go back to the university, make sure that you prove a strong desire to learn and make a difference not only to yourself but to the community as a whole.

I hope to see a revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Experiences on living in San Francisco and Panama City - Motivation for Pursuing Graduate School [11]

- narrative snapshots taken offrom the botanical
- tropical botany:, a moment
- In my future research, I am interested in researching and in documenting

As I read through your essay, it felt like an opening of what will soon be a research on a scientific breakthrough, this is no joke, you have nailed and figured what to input in your essay and what matters most in the scientific field. Indeed, the young generation is the future generation, a lot of students keep aspiring for the impossible, writing it, acting upon it and continuously learning about it, fueled with passion and the desire to help for greater welfare.

Aside from the remarks I made above, I believe you should be able to give your essay a go.

Best of luck and we'd love to hear from you.

Grammar, Usage / 'Be involved in strengthening community bonds...' How do I paraphrase this statement? [4]

- encouragingencourage volunteerism and philanthropy,
- engaging the youth,
- resilient society,( no need to add a comma if the phrase is followed by the word "and") and deepen
- the sense of national identity and affinity forto its country.

Ashly, this is quiet a long sentence for you to put together, I suggest not only re-phrasing them but also to cut them into 3 sentences instead of 2.

The remarks I made should be able to have you come up with another sentence in order to break them down, it's like a bunch of thoughts and ideas, crunched in a couple of sentences building a rather confusing statement.

I hope my humble remarks helped.

Scholarship / "You can lead a horse to water trail, but you can't make it drink" Chevening Scholarship Fall 2016 [3]

Vignesh, I must say, I enjoyed reading your essay, it's written pretty well.
However, I got a little bit confused on the main goal of the essay, in the body of the essay, it seemed to have lost focus, let me just say it went out of way from the supposed to be origin of the essay. The transition of the essay may be good but not really supporting the flow of the paragraph, you have to make sure that the sentences remain focused and has only one straight path to get to.

I understand that you are able to answer the prompt and your essay will stand out in the admissions desk, I'm not saying that you are sure to get granted the scholarship, I wish I van tell you that, what I suggest is go and proof read your essay maybe one or few more times and try to tweak the second paragraph to creat a good flow, transitioning to your balance of career and your passion.

I hope to see the revised essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Scholarship / A time when I overcame one significant obstacles that I were able to improve other people's lives [4]

Samuel, I may not be Louisa but I'd like to let you know that us, being contributors here in EF, we can only coach you as much as we can and of course provide a strong and constructive criticism.

Now, what I advice you to do is to follow a few guidelines in order to come up with a good essay.

- having this unfortunate event that caused your family all your harvest, what do you think you could've done to alleviate the situation
- did this help your family in any way
- how can you consider yourself being a breadwinner
- do you think this helped your family overcome such hurdle

Lastly, what is the effect of this action to your family, more importantly to yourself.

I hope with this guidelines you will be able to come up with a good essay and I wish to see it posted here in EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / A dream reflects one's unconscious emotional state and life goal - VT personal statement [3]

- Many people have a dreams while they are sleeping.
- The dream has wide range of nature from freightn ing to happy.
- Young people without rich family background get
- poor reward compared to the amount
- many people say that the life is unfair.
- people get what they have doneworked for it .
- Therefore, I cannot actualize dream of people who wants to achieve their goal but do not give an attempt to earn that.Having this super powers will give me the chance to reward those deserving. (233)

JunHee, honestly, I still want more from your essay, it lacks that detail or the image that will stand out in response to the prompt, remember this is for VT, it will support your application and the admissions officer will look into all your essays and roll them all together and they will come up with the decision for admission or a grade scale.

I say, you revise the beginning and the ending of the essay and I hope to see the revised essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Motivation Myself to Live Stronger in Life [4]

- MotivationMotivate Myself to Live Stronger in Life

Tiffany, as you can see the first hit of your essay is in the title and this is not so good for your essay and to you as the author of the essay, you have to be very careful and make sure that you review your work before someone else does, however, us in EF will do all that we can to make sure that you have a well written essay, so let me try to help you out;

- me to live a meaningful in life .
- The first thing I need to do is motivatedto motivate myself.
- I treat everyday as final day of the life.
- myself thatto try to do
- I work six days a week,
- I just need to get started
- you will falling in love with it.
- I know that to do odd things
- can make my life will become more beautiful and more meaningful.

Tiffany, I'd like to stop making remarks from here, I'd like you to see the difference of the sentences after the remarks so you can see how it is, I hope you follow through, the reason I'm doing this as well is for you to be able to construct your own sentences using the base form of the verb or word because this is where your sentences fall apart and one more thing, I believe the closing sentence of the essay is not posted, we would love to read that too.

I hope to see your revised essay complete with your closing sentences.

Graduate / There are many reasons in my life on behalf of which I can say that childhood is the best time. [4]

- There are many reasonevents in my life
- and on behalf of them I can saythat will attest

- First reason , which support my statement is when we were in our childhood we
- were not havingdon't have any
- responsibili ties and

- For eg. if we we used to go to school and
- due tofor some reason the school bus
- has not come,and instead of thinkingtreating the situation
- this as a problem we used to enjoy by playing games
- also it was also our parents responsibility
- And alsoW e used

Anu, life as a child is indeed very memorable, the best times of our lives, we are carefree, no worries at all, but now were grown up, fully aware of what's wrong and right, of course now we are educated and knows a lot more things than we can equip ourselves with. As you can see in your essay, there's quiet a lot of work to be done, I hope my remarks help and you follow through, your essay has facts and actions that are done in the past but this doesn't mean that you have to use all the verbs in past form, you are writing a memory of the past and actions are continuous so it should take the present form of the verb.

Undergraduate / I finally knew I was done searching; I was going to be a Hokie. [4]

Courtney, I believe you did your research and here on EF, a lot of students seek for constructive criticism and we do all there is that we can to help out but of course it will not hurt to research and compare notes, so I urge you to read a few of the students essays and answers to the prompt and you might just see that there's a difference and you can d better.

Now let me see if you need some help;

- I thought Virginia
- I finally knew I was done searching;, I was going to be a Hokie.
- While touring the campus inFrom a tour in September,
- involved in 4H since theat age of nine.
- I also wasam also fascinated with
- the community, and I loved it!
- They also have manysecure safety
- precautions to make students and parents feel safe and securepeaceful while they

Courtney, overall your essay is good and honestly what I would include as a reason in choosing VT as my school of choice is the relation to my academic goals, like writing about a course you aim at taking in VT and then you follow through with the rest of the reasons you have in this essay.

I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY HELP FOR ENGLISH 101 - a curiosity project for every week [4]

Ali, the assignment is simply asking you for two things;

- write something that you know you want to write about ( e.g. fashion, arts and craft, language, culture,..etc.)
- write as long as you have said enough and you convinced yourself that you have written all there is that you want to write

That's it, this is just what the prompt wants you to do, think of a topic close to your heart, something that you think you can write about all your time.

In doing so, make sure that the guidelines of the English language are met and you can have some of the guidelines to follow through;

- what is the topic all about
- what can this topic relate to you as a person
- how will this article affect the general public
- gather the facts and figures
- let your readers know that spending time reading your essay is worth their while
- make sure that you are objective
- cite examples, this normally helps to elaborate the subject at hand

Close the topic with your personal view of the matter.

I wish to see your essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Graduate / "IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT" and I know I can do it. Applying for Masters in MIS. [5]

Monica, I read through your SOP and I'd like to share my views on the final part of your paper.

- Meanwhile my interests were not only confined to academics;, I always

- The indispensa ble need of

- to which I will definitely contribute during my time theremy years in the institution .
- and students will help transformassist my transformationit
- into excellence that will make a lasting impression on in the world.
- Thanking you and eagerly looking forward for your acceptanceconsideration .

As my remarks may be minor, they are vital in enhancing your essay and hopefully help with your application.
What I noticed in your essay is your lack of words to use in your essay, some of the words are commonly placed and this gives an awkward understanding in your application, I'm not saying that you have to use big words but at least try to experiment and make your application stand out.

Scholarship / "We each have the responsibility of leadership and everyone must Strive for excellence" Chevening. [3]

- were always emphasized upon and the
- most respectable issuevaluable lesson I learned

- My first leadership experience came from being Heal th Project
- I'm responsible

- we succeeded to achieve foron getting
- 15 medical assistant and 76 promoters healthier

- Currently, in myMy current position as
- the head of the department
- at the university,
- I am responsible for carrying
- I hired, and evaluated, the performance of staff in the department.

- RegardingWith regards to research duties,
- we Performedperform high quality

Sahare, to tell you honestly, I'm not that confident with your essay.
I believe you could've done more in your essay than this one, I made a few remarks on your essay and I hope it helped.

What I would suggest in reference to your revision, write some steps you have taken that lead to influencing students to push farther and aim higher, I believe this will help a lot.

I wish to see your revised paper here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Top Architecture school, so prideful that simply creates a palpable electricity - why to be a Hokie? [4]

- from their inescapable school of colors to their Hokie pride;

- I became interested in this school when I found out it was ranked
- My passion it to become anlies in Interior Designer,
- While touring the schoolGathering familiarity in the school , I became
- does not lack any school spirit.
- Hokies bind together forming lifelong friendship and remain

Sarah, aside from the fact that your essay only has a few grammar corrections, I don't see any more remarks to be done in the essay, however, it would help us enhance your essay further if you have written the prompt. Well, as I understand though, the purpose of this essay is for admission to Virginia Tech and if I'm correct than you have to add a few more sentences about your academic background and what drives you in applying in VT, I hope to see a revision with the prompt included.

Undergraduate / Sleep Paralysis - Essay on having a meaningful 'thing' which completes you as a person [6]

Josh, as I read through your essay, I believe the first 4 paragraphs are already good and we have to focus on the last 2 paragraphs.

5th paragraph

- The inevitable failures hit hard:,
- I got the wrong questions wrong ,
- received a 40% on a test, and I still choke
- fostering a maturationmature stand that challenged my limits.
- I dug into my textbook, held pre - calculus practice sessions,

6th paragraph

- As I resist the insecurities from tying me down,
- in my own flawedflaws and imperfection ,

There you have it, my final remarks for your essay, again this is just my suggestions and what you think is the best for you will be the one that will matter.

What I think will help you more is to practice writing, review the language rules and read a lot to enhance your vocabulary.

Scholarship / "It is the art of getting someone to do what you want to do because he wants to do it" Chevening app [4]

@Yegzie1, I hope my remarks is not too late.

- and had to apply these skills in carrying
- out mythe assignment as the leader of those teams .

- ​I assumed leadership position early on in life,
- especially on the home front being the
- first and eldest( "first and eldest" is synonym to each other )
- child in the family beingI am held responsible

- ​I was selected to be a group leader
- There were 45 groups in all as the class consisted 3 departments.( this information may not be necessary )
- there was a need to work hard.
- I applied the leadership skills of strategic thinking skills ,
- Then weWe then selected the most eloquent of us.
- I simply mobilized and, coordinated and organized my team,

Aside from my remarks above, I believe your essay is written well. So far yours is the shortest essay I read in taking up the Chevening Scholarship.

I must say that yours is also precise and with just the right information needed for the prompt.

I wish you the best of luck and post your revision here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / I was born in Guangzhou, China and I moved to the United States when I was three years old. UC essay [5]

Laurie, your essay is quiet confusing, it's an essay application for UC and what I get out of your essay is your not - so - colorful childhood and all through out the essay, you were talking about your family background, how you perform poorly in your academics and how almost all your childhood life was not really that rewarding

Now, the essay should have the following;

- your academic background (which you have in the essay but it should be the rewarding part )
- your academic goals
- what is your motivation to meet this goals
- the courses or course that you want to pursue in UC
- how UC will help you in achieving your goals
- what can you do or contribute to UC
- what can you contribute to the community as a whole

Lastly, how will your cultural background raise your hopes for success.

This are my input, I believe answering this questions will help you come up with a better essay that will be your ticket to UC.

I hope to see your essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Graduate / Computer databases - review my SOP for Masters in CS [3]

Aviya, as I read through your essay, I felt like it is a very slow pace or the process of going to the point as it asked in your prompt is quiet slow.

I would appreciate and for sure the admissions officer too, if you can go direct to the point and answer the prompt.
Besides, this is a statement of purpose and the purpose is for you to be able to write and justify why you chose the course and the university as a whole.

I'd like to share my thought on the first three paragraphs, i hope you follow thru;

- I am applying to Indiana University for admission to the MS program in Computer Science as my aspiration and goal is to apply and hone my ability to deconstruct, analyze, and apply through academics alongside peers or through research with faculty members. I am of the opinion that the university's graduate program is an important first step in achieving this objective.( I'd like to re-phrase this first paragraph;

I am writing for an admission to the University of Indiana for MS Program in Computer Science, I believe the institution will hone my ability to....(here you can continue with the paragraph )

- The Computer Science department there exposed me to itsdisplayed a whole lot of excellent courses,
- which havehas given me a
- firm grounding in all the

- I am of the opinion that excelling inI believe that the study of technology
- requires a firm groundinggood foundation in theory
- and Databases gave me a firmstable theoretical base
- My performance in laboratory courses
- I have been involved in many course projects involvingworking closely with a group
- of students where I have beenoften stand a the team leader often .
- It also helped me provokechallenge my

Aviya, I must say that you don't have that much choice of words that you use in this essay, avoid using the same words or phrases all the time, this will lower the interest of your readers, not only that but this can also cause a great deal of misunderstanding in your essay, for example, the word "provoke" denotes a very negative idea when in fact you don't mean any harm but you mean you are being challenged, correct me if I'm wrong but this is how I see your essay.

Anyhow, I made a few remarks, I hope you follow through and the best of luck to you.

Graduate / An outline of your future career plans and intentions - Cambridge [6]

- Thirdly , Cambridge
- the diversity of cultures and cultivate personal characteristics such as being
- to expand my outlooks and learn
- Therefore, Cambridge ensures

- FourthlyLastly , the well-rounded
- ColorfulEngaging campus activities provide

- In sum,I conclude that my study in Cambridge

Ying, this is the final remarks for your essay, your essay is written pretty good but I'm still not convince, there's something missing from the details of your essay.

What is missing is the part were you have to share what you can do and share to the Cambridge community, I understand that you will be a great addition to the institution, however, what can you do to be of help maintain the Cambridge that is known to many as one of the best institutions. This information can be crucial to your application so I suggest that you insert a few sentences about this matter and you should be good to go.

Graduate / An outline of your future career plans and intentions - Cambridge [6]

Ying, first of all, the structure of your essay is nowhere near what is asked in the prompt, indeed it asked for an outline of your career plans and this should should be written in paragraph form and not like a calendar planner.

For the body of your essay, we will take it one paragraph at a time.

- Firstly , the rigorous
- which is vital for work analysis work .

- SecondlyNext , the dissertation
- I will establish a solid model by applying what I will have
- learned during the
- Besides, I will receive thea professional guidance
- The discussion with my supervisor will prevent me from diverging
- projects conduction in my career.

So this is the first part of my remarks, I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / I AM NOT AN OUTSIDER. I'm not a typical Egyptian. Common app essay [5]

Kayan, I read your essay and here's my observation.

- the prompt was partly answered, partly because you did write about the incident that will remain in your memory forever and is a part of your struggle as well as success, however, the prompt is also asking for something that you think will complete your application. You shared a story of struggle, of survival but not of an event that will answer what the prompt is asking.

- the logical order of your essay is quiet challenging to comprehend too, you went from a multilingual appreciation and diversity of your nature to the war in Egypt and ended to a book shelf of memory, what do you want your readers to understand, what is the message of your essay?, this are the questions I have.

- what I get out of your essay is you being diverse and multilingual but I still don't get it, see yourself as a reader of your essay and you will understand what I mean.

Now, I wish to see a complete revision of your essay here on EF so we can assist you further, the part where you were proving that you're bilingual is a good part other than that the whole piece should be revised.

Undergraduate / At times Blood is not thicker than water [4]

Fatou, I did, as what you can see, just a few remarks on your essay. It is written pretty good and I believe you did write this from the heart. You're a person willing to share time, effort and knowledge to those who need them badly and those who merely have any, I hope you continue this humble practice and keep moving.

With your essay, it has very good logic too, there is a good flow and the reader knows exactly where the essay is going, more over you answered the prompt to the best of your ability which is a very good characteristic of a writer who knows what they are writing about.

I wish you the best of luck in your application and do let us know what happens.

Undergraduate / Volunteering and tutoring - my contribution to the UIC Honors College community [5]

- I will helped contribute to the UIC Honors College Program in countless ways.

- I am passionate ofin assisting

- departments that need those thingswho need them .
- I have contributed over 400 hours of service;, I know
- I plan on making the university acontinuing the warm, welcoming place
- for any student or even civilianthat the university have for both students, visitors and civilians alike .
- as makehelp the university ato be safer , memorable place.

- I hopeknow that the university
- helpswill hone me to become
- getting into their medical school.

There you have it, my remarks for your essay. Grade for your essay I'd say 85% over a 100%, you have great aspirations for the profession and for the community as well, this is very evident in your essay, though this is not the only reason that the admission officer is going to see but this will definitely help a lot in your application. More so, you have written this piece very well and answered the prompt properly, I wish you the best of luck!!!

Scholarship / 'I took some practical steps to choose the proposed universities' - Chevening: Studying in UK Essay [5]

Luthfi, I'd like to help out, here are my points you may use as a guide to enhance your essay.

- the scholarship is about you studying in the UK and why did you come to choose it
- its asking for the relation of your university course choices to your future academic goals as well as professional goals
- go straight to the point, this will signify that you understood the prompt and you exactly know what you are doing
- this is a prompt of your admissions for the scholarship and dotting them in numbers will not be advisable, I'd rather that you present it in bullets

- as much as you love UK as a country, you have to see how to incorporate this in your success or your road towards achieving your goals

- the last 2 paragraphs needs revision as well, they are in a very awkward part of your essay and also never itemize the universities as to rank, leave it to the admissions officer to rank them for you, all you have to do is to justify your choices.

Lastly, check the other students here on EF who did their paper for Chevening too, this will give you an idea of what will and should be in your essay, I'm not saying that you copy but at least you have a wider research before you launch your own application.

I wish to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Leadership, Networking, Studying in UK, and Post-Career Plan - Chevening Scholarship essays [6]

- 4. a crowdfunding platform specifically forfocused on education,
- co-founders; and this experience
- further reinforced the power
- of investingincorporating others in ideas
- that serves the betterment ofas a helping hand to others.

- them un till we
- attain milestones of both small and big successes.
- I have seen my students prove possibletheand perceived the impossible.
- AndL astly, I continue to lead and bring out

Well, there you have it, a few more remarks on this art of the essay, what I found and I would like to stress is that, you have to avoid the use of sentence that is directly translated by your thoughts, you have to come up with sentences that best explains your ideas and pen them down.

To close this remarks, I wish you the best of luck on this application and I hope you continue your humble efforts on sharing and giving good education for the youth.

Scholarship / Leadership, Networking, Studying in UK, and Post-Career Plan - Chevening Scholarship essays [6]

Hi Karthik, as I go through your essay, I saw how you turned your paper to an almost complete revision with the help of EF which is very good, this only means that you accept constructive criticism. Now, I'd like to share my thoughts and I'd like to take it per paragraph.

1st paragraph
- others to the betterment of themselvesfor greater welfare .
- and subsequently joiningjoined Teach
- For Malaysia's inaugural cohort to teach in a high-needvery demanding school for two years.
- staff member, as a
- fundraiser to scale upelevate the

1. 2Two of my students
- It tookThis thought me dedication,
- resilience and convictionreliability in my
- students'( omit the apostrophe on the word "students" ) potential
- I invest them in my vision for them,encouraged them to see my vision for them and how
- them in finaliz ing the goals
- we set as a class; and ultimately

2. time analyz ing and
- I realiz ed even the
- admin to formaliz e the approach, and saw my

As you can see Karthik, there's quiet a lot of remarks I made, I made this very thorough to help you out and make sure we leave no error in your essay.

Mind your spelling mistakes, this can be minor but this can make a difference in your essay.

I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / 'great programs for pre-medical studies' - My interest to study in Illinois Institute of Technology [4]

- I was continuously searching and searching
- Finally, I sawfound it.
- I was intrigued by thewith these facts

- students who wantaims to study medicine.
- This organization wouldwill help me
- are interested in pursing a major in anythingany aspects .
- HearingWith all the programs and organizations
- advantage of the opportunities provided therein your institution .

Arjun, reason being this paper on a restricted word count is that it will only take a few sentences for you to justify why you choose the IIT to be your institution in continuing your academic career. Overall, the essay is written well, just a few revision on the words used and verb tenses. For future reference, when a word is an ongoing or denotes future action it should take the present tense of the verb.

I wish you the best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / I love.... fish tanks -- Columbia Essay [3]

- It seems so trivial toand I enjoy
- attracts me to a fish
- is what the collection of fishit represents.
- plants is truly mesmerizing.and Columbia offers me just the same, the vital diversity that I desire.

- the older one is the higher up to hierarchy one isranks high ,

Well, the analogy that you put in the fish tank is very interesting and you're right, the fish tank is like a school, a university, an institution, only not for humans but for fish but it denotes the same environment, a tank of hope that someday, equality will reign and everybody will be treated equal, angel fish and ballast shark alike.

Your essay is written well, I know that you could've done more but this should suffice the prompt.

I hope my humble remarks helped and I wish you the best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Tulane! I'm struggling with coming up with something engaging! [3]

- became a much more bigger part of my life.

- but still tillto this day these
- feelings thr ough art helped

- Currently, I am now pushing myself to do
- workspieces that consist of
- I enjoy drawing works with basic ordinary( "basic" and "ordinary" are synonymous) things

I'm not an expert on Tulane standards when it comes to their admissions process, however, aside from the remarks above, I believe that your essay, depicts your eagerness ta take art to a different level, being able to know what your strength in art and where it lies whether abstract, nature or people, you have a definite subject and it doesn't restrict you from making other inspirational pieces. This is a very good characteristic of an artist, just like a writer, you have your strong subjects, where you can write a full book in a week of writing, on the other hand you are able to write different topics too.

I wish you all the best with Tulane and I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / My Dinosaur Bone Essay for Caltech - I don't think I am expressing myself well enough (help!) [3]

Marcelo, as I read through your essay, I felt your interest in things that can bring a lot of interpretations to people. Well, I must say that 200 word count to be maximum is not sufficient for you to justify your worth for Caltech but hey, they will not do such word count if they think it will not be enough. So far your essay, left a lot of what if's to someone who will read and come across it.

What if he get's into Caltech, What i he doesn't, what is he will do good and a lot more questions that will draw the interest of the admissions officer.

This characteristic is what the science field needs, people who cannot get contented on things that they see in the surroundings, there should be something else and it sparks when a demand arise, this is the traits that they go for. People who are hungry to discover what could become an invaluable asset to the field and to the community as a whole.

Now, your essay is written well, a few more amp and you should be good to go, never loose the framework of your essay, it's already in a very good path.

The thrill and the questions, what can this kid do to our society and to the science field is still standing so never let it fall.

Undergraduate / Eternal Happiness. A choice from the activities section of a Common Application [4]

Alaina, with the restrictions of the word count, I suggest that you go straight to the point of what is asked in the prompt and take it from there.

Reading along, I don't see any relevance of your essay to the prompt. The prompt simply asked for any activity, not Faith because faith is devotion to your religion or lifestyle. The prompt is asking you to write on some activity that you would consider doing again and keep doing while you can.

As much as you can be religious and devoted to your religion, I don't think that you consider this just an activity, because for me it's a lifetime commitment.

Also, the prompt is asking for you to choose amongst the list of activities that you have given from the previous prompt.
I suggest re-writing your essay and review your answers from the previous prompt, choose one activity that you think you will do and continue doing when you can.

It should be something that you like doing and not because you need to do it.

I hope to see you essay as an answer to the prompt here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Proclaiming Myself as a Red Fox (Marist Supplement Essay) [3]

- I find that Marist is highly invested
- in their students'( an apostrophe is not needed in the word "student" )

- Marist has so much to offer, and is even a Division One school.

Rachel, as wonderful as your essay is, I must say that it didn't have that power to supplement your purpose in choosing Marist as you school let alone be your home. I understand that the environment is a big factor in choosing one but more so is the academic side of the school, your goals and how will the school help you in achieving these goals. The essay focused more on the landscape of the institution and not on the important feature which is academic excellence, this should be the information on your essay. Now, I suggest you tweak your essay and make the second paragraph your first, how about that?,. Then, add your appreciation on the landmarks, the landscaping and the vibrant atmosphere of the environment in Marist.

I hope to see a revised essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Speeches / MICHAEL OHER - a homeless person and example of an extraordinary professional sport career. [2]

- professional sports career
- even if you don't have not even homea house to live?
- His name is Michael Oher and that's it's his family.

- he became a homelessness .
- He attended 11 schools during his first 9 years ofas a student,

- Finally he got to playing for a private

- and doesn't havehadn't enough academic
- A white family, which hadthat has two children

- where he got the best average of the team, and was also an athlete in the discus.( I don't get this part, kindly explain)

- In the last year, Michael improved
- investigation because he maybe hadn'tmight not have the required marks,
- and could have been under pressure to choicechoose that team.

-as All-American, the best athlete, twice,

Well, Juan as you can see there a lot of room for improvement in this essay, I must say that it looks more of an argumentative essay than an oral presentation.

The thing with your writing is that, you always try to push the words into the sentence or you're using words because you think it fits but it doesn't, you also have to watch out for your grammar as there's quiet a few errors there.

Overall, it's a good piece or writing but not for it's purpose.

Undergraduate / Sleep Paralysis - Essay on having a meaningful 'thing' which completes you as a person [6]

HI, Josh, I'd like to help you with your essay and focus on the much needed enhancement, we will be doing this a few paragraphs at a time so we will be able to thoroughly proof read your essay.

First three paragraphs

- can I liberate yourmy self from the

- enemy night after night quickly becomesbecame exhausting,

- AndA s I hopped from ( avoid using the word "and" at the beginning of your sentence )

Josh, so far, I can see that your essay is written pretty well. You are very descriptive, the failure, the process of sleep paralysis is deliberately written in full detail.

I will get back to you for the last two paragraphs of the essay, right now, I still don't see the relation of the prompt to your essay or of the essay to your prompt but as I said, so far it has been a good read for the better part of your essay.

As promised, I'll get back to you to finish the remarks.

Undergraduate / "Shortcomings in Mental Healthcare" UW Madison Application [3]

1st paragraph
- attention to the media circus

3rd paragraph
- Around 25% of ourthe homeless community suffer

final paragraph
- ButHowever it is significant,

This are my remarks, indeed there are a few students who answered the the same prompt and I believe that you did a good job just like most of the students here on EF, who try it on their own first, face criticism, objective remarks and revise the essay to be modified and ready for submission.

Two things for your future writing reference;
- use linking verbs
- avoid using the word "but" at the beginning of your sentence

That's it for now and I hope it helped.

Writing Feedback / I agree that young people prefer not spending time to help their communities. [3]

- at a young
- age wantwho want to rush

- by works and various
- Life in the city is tantamount
- Most of the timep eople most of the times
- should run to get to their works on time.
- Inevitably, they would arrive at home exhausted.

- ...someone who ishas not graduated
- needs to be

- and have the specialtiescapacity to help
- due to the congestion ofin the cities

I believe you were able to direct what the prompt is asking, therefore, the remarks I did should be able to modify the essay and you should be able to submit it.

Also, please refrain from using direct translation on your sentences because this can affect the grammar and your entire essay as a whole, mind your linking verbs too and make sure that you use words that will be conversational enough to comprehend.

Scholarship / At home Spanglish, outside English language / continuation of fashion studies [3]

Miriam, we will slice up your essay per prompt so that we will be able to see where the needed enhancement is.

- I have hada lotmany
- opportunities exercising the language even
- being back in Mexico,
- opportunity of beingto be a personal translator
- I've also gotten the opportunity
- I've even had the opportunity to practice
- my very badbeginner - level Japanese
- G oing to Korea, I hope
- to continue practicing and makingmake use
- of my english skills, but most of all I truly hope to master hangul and Korean pronunciation.

- in the many occasions I've moved and I learned
- states I had the had the chance
- for example,Just like Spanish, you don't just
- get one style of Spanishit either ,

Miriam, I want you to follow through for the next two paragraphs of your essay, reason being, I'm confused at your answer to the prompt. The prompt simply says, what is your study plan in order to learn a second language, I simply put this as, what is your plan of action in order for you to learn a second or any foreign language, I must say, though, that what I get in your essay is that you're mother tongue is Spanish, you lived in the US and from time to time, visits Mexico, this way you both practice, Spanish and English, you consider English your first language because it's what the community is speaking and what your using everyday. Now, all you talk about in your essay is about English and your exercising Spanish in more ways than one, however, this is not what the prompt is asking, you have to write your plans on going and studying in Korea with the hope of mastering the language and putting it into practice. Now you have my thoughts, let us know what yours are by revising this first prompt.

Scholarship / Executive and co-founder of the Information and Communication Technology Students Association [6]

- The group was created duein response to
- the low-level of number in
- ICT among students in the community,
- students towards attaining in-depth competency in the subject.

These are my thoughts with your revised essay. Aside form the fact that you were straight forward in the informations needed I believe that the revised one is absolutely better than the original one. I'm glad that you take suggestions and critics seriously and you take action at the same time.

I hope I was able to help.