Undergraduate / "Happiness" - Creative Essay - Art major [4]

The fainting faint sound that came from an old, beaten up radio brought my awareness to the present moment, and slowly I rea lized what I had just gotten myself into. I had never...---I added some words to try to make sense of it. I don't know what the sound of a radio did to cause you to realize what you'd gotten into.

My brand new white canvas waited in front of me impatiently.----awesome personification

Kind of like life when you think about it . This sentence is incomplete and unhelpful. Blank and intimidating, it was full of endless possibilities, just waiting for you to splash it with color.

...pursuing an education in (the artistic field??? Seems like a strange term) may not lead me to...

Well, it would be good if you also had a plan to study internet marketing and perhaps got involved with a particular industry where you could profit from art. It would be great if you had a business plan. You can improve the essay by making a simple business plan with many specific goals and a timeline. Google this: how to write business plan

:-)

Undergraduate / New engineering experience--Extracurricular Essay [4]

past-time pass time (i.e. pass the time) activity;...

learned more about personal values---- later in the paragraph, you have to explain this.

Less is more:
must admit t The job was exhausting at times, and ...

In On many other...

This job was really important to me because it succeeded in showing me what my true passions really are helped me to recognize my passion for (specify, what do you call this passion? Something other than just structural engineering? What is it to you?), while at the same...

time giving me a new perspective of on engineering.

Awesome... this is very impressive!

Undergraduate / "My fervor for global issues" - international significant experience [7]


what a terrible comparison for a teacher to make! I was in AP classes, too, but even then I knew the kids with lower GPA often had the real wisdom... :-)

I enjoyed writing my research paper on US foreign policy in the Middle East, a phenomenon I would have never foreseen sophomore year. --unclear
My enjoyment of writing my research paper on US foreign policy in the Middle East was a phenomenon I would have never foreseen sophomore year. ---see how this is clearer? Maybe you can think of another way you like better...

Google this: how to write paragraph topic sentences
The first sentence of a paragraph should try to capture the main idea of the paragraph.

This is a great essay, but your goals seem ill-defined. A passing reference to a possibility of a position at the World Bank is not a good enough vision of the future. Do not just wait to see what happens in the future. Choose now, and then adjust your decision as needed. But choose right now: Where will you work, and what work will you do... it is not necessary to make a final decision right now, but it is necessary to express clear goals if you want to be a competitive applicant. :-)

Undergraduate / Mrs Fryman helped me come out of my shell - A&M Essay A [3]

Whenever you have 2 complete sentences connected by a conjunction to form a compound sentence, it is good to use a comma:
Twenty pairs of unfamiliar eyes turned to look at me, and I immediately felt self-conscious.

This essay makes the reader feel good while reading it, and that is a real accomplishment. However, strictly speaking, it is boring. As stories go, this is not a page turner. It will be great if you can add more tension in the beginning by showing that something was being missed or lost... or that you were in great distress. Or you can make it more interesting by ending the first paragraph with a sentence about a particular CONCEPT that this experience makes you think of. What concept is demonstrated when a student feels empowered by a teacher? Let's give this essay an unforgettable theme.

:-)

Undergraduate / A Series of Fortunate Events (sudden exposure / The telescope) - Common App [6]

I am not sure about the way you used "awaking." I am googling around, but I can't find a good answer. I would write, "Waking up on a ..." ---but your way of writing it might be okay... I'm not sure.

It created a painful pinch in the pit of my stomach, slowly rising from there to engulf my body, torturing my mind into giving up its earlier beliefs. ---wow, impressive...

The soft, relaxing bed seemed to be tempted tempting me to take...

It's the risks we undertake and experience we gain that creates character and signifies signify us.

Well, I feel privileged to be reading this. The description is brilliant, the concepts are meaningful, and you really shared something valuable by sharing these ideas. I hope the AO reader likes it as much as I do.

Undergraduate / "In a family of ten..." - my family, school, background CU Boulder Short Essay [3]

That first line is full of numbers... the reader does not need to know the numbers.

And when you get here, I feel bad for the other kids who apparently by implication were the kids who were "not good."--->


most students simply do just enough to get by, uninteresting uninterested in what they are learning. --Yes, they are, and as a result they do not have any specific goals to write about in college essays. Do not be one of them! Use this essay to discuss some of your goals for the next few years and the way you will improve this world.

earning a doctorate then becoming a psychiatrist and making innovative breakthroughs ---This is not a goal. It is just a passing reference to a broad field. Discuss the types of psych that appeal to you -- cognitive, behavioral, psychoanalytic? existential? Discuss some articles by psychiatrists whom you admire. Show that you are doing a lot of proactive reading.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Endless possibilities" - undergrad essay for FSU [2]

It was during that moment that my...

Our character is built from our experiences but all of us have innate strengths... All this stuff is too vague and philosophical. At this point in the essay, you should intrigue the reader by sharing what intrigues you. What is it that has become important to you? Instead of philosophizing about strengths and ideals, tell the reader the story of your interest that developed and why this school's program is perfect for you as you enact your plan.

a helping hand to a coworker... Let's not group sacred spiritual stuff with helping someone move. Not that helping someone move is not sacred spiritual stuff, ... it seems like you are just listing experiences here. I want to know what drives you, what mission you are on.

You have such a great writing style... I hope you know that. But I have to criticize you for being too philosophical and not focusing on your action plan, your vision of the future.

Fill this essay with concrete value, promises about goals you will achieve. :-)

Writing Feedback / The Importance of Brotherhood and Loyalty to Personal Beliefs (obstacles) [3]

No comma necessary here:
I look up to his confidence and hate his anger.

However, despite everything, there is the defining moment where when one realizes that --- a 'moment' is when, not where.

This is a great essay about brotherhood. I think many adult readers will be thinking like this, though: If he was rebellious, tough love may have been necessary.

So.. if you can find any way to acknowledge the wisdom your grandmother has, even though you opposed her, it will show that you think in a clear, objective way. Maybe she was entirely wrong, but if you can find a way to express awareness of her wisdom (if any) that will make the essay more credible. :-)

Writing Feedback / A new educational system and students' motivation [5]

A small change is necessary for the verb, because you said "throughout history"---> Throughout history, there is no doubt that education has constituted the backbone of a healthy society. --that is true!

...that a decrease in...

Thus, students are likely to have difficulty in adapting to a new...

Your English is quite clear, and you are writing about a very important topic. I think your writing is very meaningful and anything you write is valuable enough that it should have at least 3 or 4 sentences in the last paragraph. Give a few sentences to really express your message in that last paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / Volunteering for Atelier de Soustitrage extracurricular activities or work experience [3]

opportunity of volunteering to volunteer my time for Atelier de Soustitrage, one of the leading...

We can use active voice instead of passive:
My supervisor made me I was given the task responsible for checking the reading speed of subtitles of hearing impaired children and of making these...

Awesome, great job. I hope you find a lot of success, and you certainly will because of your enthusiasm.

Undergraduate / "on my journey to college/myself" - LMU Supplement [2]

I think you wrote this very well. Here is a little error, though:
The ultimate test of our true identity is weather whether we are willing to risk our dreams in order to save ourselves from judgement and rejection. --Also, it is unclear. The ultimate test involves the question of whether we are willing to risk judgment and rejection in order to follow our dreams.

In some places, you did not capitalize the word "I" or the first word of a sentence.

failing Failing is part of being a human; one cannot find happiness when we are she or he is too scared to fail in life. It is a lesson ...

I think this essay should say more about the specific details of your dream that you mentioned. Do you have a well developed dream of the future? If so, share the details.

:-)

Undergraduate / LMU: Why is the Journey to oneself the most dangerous? [2]

The first comma in the essay is not necessary. It is better grammar if you omit that one...

Same thing here... no need for a comma:
I can either choose to please myself or please the people around me.
Actually, this is better:
I can either choose to please either myself or the people around me.

When I choose to please other people, I risk not? being who I really am and if I choose to please myself, I know that I will risk not? being Where did these question marks come from?

accepted by some people. I know that on my adventure in discovering who I am, there will be times that I will fail, and times when I feel as though I cannot move on. But I also know that in order to succeed, I must fail. There will be instances when.... the decision to please yourself and not your peers. Because at the end of the day, you will always be stuck with yourself, and not your peers. ---I want to cross out all that stuff, because it is too abstract and obvious. At the end of the essay, I think you should get very specific about how YOU are going to embody the ideal of being who you truly are. Get specific at the end instead of pontificating about needing to fail in order to succeed, etc... everyone has heard that already. At the end, use that opportunity to share your plan with the reader, including your short term goals for actualizing yourself. :-)

Undergraduate / Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru, PM of India - "a historical and influential figure" -Common app [4]

One method we talk about here at EF sometimes is neurolinguistic programming (NLP), which is based on Ericksonian hypnosis. I want to recommend it for you, because it is a very useful subject... very useful for someone with your interest in having command of words.

I think that last paragraph needs to have another sentence at the end. It is a short paragraph, and the essay will pack a harder punch if you express them main theme at the start and also at the end. You expressed yourself well at the end, but at the beginning despite beautifully constructed sentences you do not establish a theme for the reader to enjoy.

If you don't add a sentence to the end of that first para to express a theme, the reader has to follow you from topic to topic without knowing what it is all about or what to use as a reference point. At the end of that first para, after saying it is "the man who inspired me to help," give a sentence that sums up the message of this essay... can it be expressed in a sentence?

Anyway, I see no errors, and I think it is very impressive.

:-)

Undergraduate / Ryerson Radio and Television Personal Essay 2011. [5]

This sentence is not complete:
Something about the way a single word can make a face light up, even rescue someone's entire day.

It is okay, because you have 'poetic license' to break rules sometimes... but you could do this:

Something about the way A single word can make a face light up, even rescue someone's entire day.

My whole life I have been fascinated with how things work This is TOO common. It is excellent, and your writing is excellent, but this is something everyone says. Everyone going into a science, anyway.

. As a kid I would go to surely annoying lengths to figure out just how that clock ticked, why that TV channel was static and even took old radios apart just to see what the inside looked like. Seriously, I see this SO much. It is not bad writing or anything... just too common of a thing to say.

sail away from the safe harbour to chase big city dreams and explore this mysterious world.---This is cool, but it will be better if there is a mention of a theme like this at the beginning and end. At the beginning of the essay, you introduced some things that could be the essay's theme, but then you moved on to different themes. Can we repeat one excellent idea twice -- at the beginning and end? That will help, I think.

Also, it might be better without so much at the end:
I would like to thank you for investing your time in me. and someday I hope to pay it back to you.

Writing Feedback / Why is my MOM my hero -opinion proof paragraph (reasons, examples) [4]

Well, you'll have to prove that teacher wrong. You should start a student charity organization to help people who are suffering right now, and the teacher will have to admit that you are capable. :-)

My mom is everything. Sh e's smart, she's caring but most she is a courageous mother to me. That why she is my hero. Since I was born my parents had lived in peru Peru. My mother had always thought I needed a better education.

english English

... doesn't every mom too care for daughter/son her child's nutrition?

Now that I have grown up in a American Life life, I have gained more...

Thats why my mom is my Hero hero.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL SPEAKING-The most embarrassing moment for me [5]

The most embarrassing moment that ever happened to me is that I ever got walked into a male restroom by accident.----ha haha ! That happens to everyone sometimes...

Google this: action verb
Look above, and see how I added an action verb. Action verbs improve the quality of writing.

Because it was an exclusive restroom in a corporation, ----hahahhaha! Excellent...

and there were no signals to indicate that it was the men's room.

Because it had no difference with to distinguish it from the female roo m, I did not know I was wrong until I saw two women got walk into the next room when I got out of the room.

I knew they must have thought that there was something wrong with me. --ha haha, so many of your sentences made me laugh. You are great.

Student Talk / Poor SATs vs. good ACT [12]

Some great insights are available here in this thread. It is true that they often claim to look only at the highest scores, etc., and the purpose of that is to reduce the possibility of scores that do not reflect your real aptitude. That high score will help you. But also remember that it is a human that makes each decision. Humans are unpredictable creatures. Sometimes, you have to just say "yes" to whatever unfolds for you... there is no certainty in anything except your ability to express your real self in response to whatever happens, so settle in. And if you have the time and money, you can retake that SAT -- but do it for yourself, not for the sake of meeting anyone else's standard.

Graduate / "Strategic Intent Aggressiveness"- business administration [4]

Thanks for your kind words, Andy. We are lucky to have you!

Writing Feedback / The study of history places too much emphasis on individual - SAT [2]

...to the efforts of Churchill or Stalin, Ignoring ignoring uncountable and ordinary soldiers who risk their lives in the frontlines.

Without their strength and unselfish sacrifice, Churchill can could not have defended against the attack of the Nazis.

Without his continual strive striving and steady belief, maybe the slavery will would exist in England for another several decades.

Each of both owns an indispensable and complementary position in our study about events of the past.

This is very thoughtful, but I think you can express a theme that is more complex. It is to simple to just write about the fact that all people contribute, not just the famous. I think you can go a step further and introduce a concept based on your own observation.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Words have Power" - Journalism entrance essay at Ryerson University [3]

Words have power. You grow up hearing "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". This isn't true. Even after more than 125 years the racial statements and the degrading references are just as powerful.---This is a powerful opening to your essay!

The constant reference to the idea that a race can make someone less of a person influences the position taken by society.---What reference, for example? You should elaborate here.

However, literary scholars argue that changing the word, which appears 219 times within the novel, is rewriting history.

Rob Morrison, an English professor at Queen's University...

By erasing the truth of history, it is difficult to monitor the evolution of humanity.---Good sentence!

...single word has the potential to change or maintain within a society forever.---I don't know if 'maintain within' sounds right.

Powerful essay, good subject.
Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Scholarship / "To become a teacher" - Why do I want to be a member of City Year corps? [2]

I can learn more about how inner-city schools are struggling to ...

I currently volunteer in an elementary afterschool program with 'at-risk' children.

My goals in education extend beyond the US. In 2009 I volunteered with Amigos de las Americas and Save the Children. I taught classes to primary school children in Honduras. This was an amazing experience, and inspired my dream: to work as a teacher with education-focused, non-profit organizations in developing nations. ---This is great!

I love to speak Spanish and teach English. ---You should mention maybe, whether English or Spanish is your first language.

Good luck and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "I didn't choose Photography, Photography chose me"- F.I.T ESSAY [4]

A Fashion fashion magazine came in the mail; just like any other curious child, I experienced sparked interest. ---I had to change some words around... IT was not just like any curious child; you did something, not "it."

From the first page to the last I was in awe and amazement at the photographs. In that moment the only thing that came to mind was, "Where's mom's camera and how can I create these imagines of my own? "

:-)

Undergraduate / "track and field" - Georgetown - Important Extracurricular Short Essay [4]

When you write an Admission Essay, you should write with the intention of making the reader feel inspired to send you along your chosen path unimpeded. How can that be done? I think the kids who set several serious short term goals are the ones who inspire the reader. The kids that have clearly given a lot of thought to their chosen field and formed strong opinions about it... they are the ones that are most appealing and inspirational to the reader.

This essay has a great theme: I struggled in high school until I found strength in running track.
But I think it is better to express that theme in one sentence at the start of an essay that is about more than just running. Talk about your running experience as part of the framework for your current perspective -- which is focused on your future. Talk about running, and find a way to talk about how that deep meditation of running is related to the aspiration associated with your chosen field.

:-)

Scholarship / Creative idea about survive in the desert exchange scholarship [4]

Hi Twinkle, this is such a strange essay prompt! I really think the way to make it impressive is to somehow express your academic interest in the way you answer. If you were going into the field of law, you could devise an elaborate plan that involved providing legal services by using the Wal-Mart stuff, or perhaps bringing a lawsuit against wal-mart. If you were going to get involved with politics and public policy, you might decide not to use any of the walmart stuff because you are morally opposed to its business practices. You do not have to be realistic. The best thing, though, is to answer in a way that expresses this personality you are trying to convey, this person you are... a unique, creative thinker focused on a particular field of study.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I have an addiction to Dunkin Donuts Coffee" - Undergrad [5]

Mind if I prophesize? I foresee you looking again at this essay and noticing the other excellent theme that has to go with the Dunkin coffee theme. Sometimes, you come up with a great trait for expressing a character's personality, and for you Dunkin is part of a cool trait; but it is only half. The other concept that should be included in this essay is waiting there in your mind, waiting to be noticed. As it is, the essay does not contain much substance, but as a great concept to blend with one associated with your academic interests or professional plans... that will be substantial. :-)

Research Papers / Canadian flag debate, Medical care act, Terry Fox's marathon of Hope/ Canadian History [3]

Don't bump threads. You obviously write well, and that means you are able to help some other people in addition to requesting help. Go help others in the "unanswered' category, and ask them to look at your essay, too.

Medical care act,--probably should be capitalized?

... and Terry Fox's marathon of hope.---I don't know what this is, but it probably should be capitalized, too...

The word opportunistic is probably not the best choice. People use that to refer to sneaky manipulators.

The Marathon of Hope was a marathon ran coordinated by Canadian ...

I'll add some commas here:
These are the moments that make us feel proud to be Canadian, and like John Diefenbaker said, "We shall be Canadians first, foremost, and always, and our policies will be decided in Canada and not dictated by any other country."

:-)

Writing Feedback / if you do not do this, you will not have a successful life? [5]

The way to get a lot of help is to go help a lot of people and ask them to look at your essay and return the favor.

As we know, perseverance keeps bright the key that opens the treasure of achievement. ----Wow, this sentence is almost excellent. You should change the word bright to the word... um.. it should be:

As we know, perseverance cuts the key that opens the treasure of achievement.--ha ha, now it is perfect. "Cutting" a key is how keys are made, but "bright" does not aply to a key.

... little Scottish lad, Ferguson, allowed the...

You are over-qualified for the toefl. You are ready to just jump into your chosen field, because your English is excellent.

Undergraduate / "Frozen Yogurt is in my Future!" Why Business? Essay [2]

Let's use a word other than cut in that first paragraph, because "cut" might be wrongly associated with cutting class in the minds of some slow-thinking readers. :-)

How does it sell for five dollars? Back in the slums of the Philippines, this product will would never sell.

I ask myself again, how do businesses really thrive? When I got to this part, I stood up and shook my computer's hand for displaying such excellent writing on the screen. You combined business with your experience of shared happiness and appreciation... and you even included mention of culture in the Philippines. I can say with confidence that this is better than anything I could ever write -- very powerful writing here... :-)

This is why I want to take business.---Right here, in the same amount of space you use to write this, you could write something with twice as much meaning. Add an action verb other than take, for example, or be more specific about the topics that interest you in the field of business.

Oh... Sweetgreen was founded by grads? This essay is just about perfect, I think ;-)

Undergraduate / Brandeis - Raised by dinosaurs, Robots, or Aliens! [3]


These words could be more specific and descriptive. In the same amount of words, you can express these ideas but with action verbs and imagery words (Google "imagery words" "list")

Aliens are the independent and have a complex mind of their own.----When you get to this sentence, I am suddenly lost. The stuff you write is very interesting, though! It's just a little too formless and abstract.

So... if it is completely abstract, it is like a creature without a skeleton... just a lot of squishy mess.

:-) I think you should add a few clear, specific sentences so the reader knows the main point of the essay.

Undergraduate / "How to be rich: Working hard or Luck?" - (common app essay) [5]

Or were anyone rich because of his luck, I would expect that no one would desperately immerse himself in an endless loop of what-if questions. as he had exploited his luck effectively and efficiently. This sentence is excellent, but only if you cut off that convoluted ending of it.

One of the keys to success is manipulation of experience - a man should strive for the sake of gaining more useful experience (no comma necessary here) and use it wisely as a ticket to a shining future different from an ordinary laborer.

and without doubt Tan Passakornnatee is recognized as one of the richest people of Thailand. ---That is a pretty good example! Someone told me, "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity."

Luck is when opportunity meets preparation. ---Oh, ha ha, you have already heard of this idea. :-)

I have heard many people talking about their idea of either working hard or luck is capable of making anyone rich. They viewed view the world in a single dimension. at a one-way direction.

:-)

Letters / An entrance letter to my english learning center in Korea [3]

I thought carefully about my future during my high school years, especially about what ----This is the first sentence of the essay. The sentences that come before it are not necessary or helpful so I think they should be cut. I want to have you start by telling the reader something very interesting, and then DISTINGUISH yourself by sharing your "philosophy of education." Google this: what is the purpose of education?

Form your own opinion about the purpose of education, and share your ideas with the reader. Do not include any sentence that is not helpful for expressing your plan, your ideas.

I bet you can think of ONE sentence that really expresses your main idea. What would that sentence be? Write it, and then cut out all the details that do not help to explain that main idea. That is how to write with intense focus. :-)

Faq, Help / can i join this forum [8]

Thanks, Ryan, for welcoming our new member. Nas, i am glad you are participating! I hope we are able to help a lot. Every time you post something you wrote, people will make corrections, and I think you should practice typing the correct way 10 times. That is the way to reprogram your brain with good grammar.

As you type, speak the sentence aloud. 10 times each! :-)

Undergraduate / For country, for equity and for poverty gaps. SFS essay, global issue. [3]


Yes, and also, "What do people think they will accomplish by protesting something that is inevitable?"

Globalization has been beneficial in many ways.---wait a minute, when you write this sentence it makes me go back and see what you introduced in the intro paragraph...what is the main point of the essay? I think that you might need to add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph... make it your thesis statement.

Some may claim that the one simple solution to all these problems is to end globalization. ---I don't like this sentence because that would not be a simple act in any way...

Well... you have great info in this essay, but I think it amounts to something that should be expressed, both at the beginning and the end... a theme or thesis statement that will stick in the reader's mind. That is the important thing... the essay has to have one distinct message for the reader to understand. :-) I like that ending, but I hope you'll add some sentences to the beginning and the end to make your main assertion clear.

Graduate / Eyes through the world - my personal statement (applying Finance master) [18]

I have lost count of how...

I walked out on the aisle, and it actually reminded me the first time I travelled abroad for the international yangqin music festival when I was ten.


Good, but it lacks structure. Add a sentence to the first paragraph that can explain to the reader what the message of the essay is. Can you look at this essay and write a sentence that tells the main idea? That kind of sentence, written in both the intro and conclusion, can provide STRUCTURE.

:-)

Scholarship / "a Korean mother, a Caucasian father" - How can I contribute to diversity? [5]


That means you can do a very strong 5 paragraph essay with each para having 4-5 sentences (100 words).

I like the word various here:
with different various cultures and traditions.

I have traveled overseas to South Korea multiple times, and each time I have observed the different customs and lifestyles between there and here in the United States; one example is the difference in the foods. (Add a thesis sentence here and end the paragraph).

Identify all the ideas you introduce, and then write a sentence that expresses the theme that unites all your ideas expressed here. Use paragraphs, and google this: how to write a paragraph topic sentence

:-)

Undergraduate / "At first, only a superficial attraction" - Why Emory [4]


That is very smart. Always show an AO reader or potential employer that you are a person with a plan and that YOU CHOSE THEM because of the way they fit with your plan.

That part at the beginning is cool and interesting, but I hope the reader does not get turned off by the nonstandard pluralization of those phrases... well, I was going to say you could take the s's out and it would be better, but I really like it with those s's... I just hope the reader can appreciate innovative writing.

I bet they will appreciate it...

At that moment I wanted to be this mysterious Emory freshman-to-be. I wanted to be talked about in this way when I was in college. Replace this with a sentence about how Emory fits with your own plan, in addition to being a school that will make people proud of you like they were proud of her.

:-)

Undergraduate / Bosnia Significant Experience; I was guilty of imposing my convictions [9]

Great intro! Action packed...
Try to trim away unnecessary words:

As The unsuspecting victim to of a karate chop, I staggered ...

Or add some coolness:
Suddenly the unsuspecting...

With my straight jet black hair, golden hued skin, and almond-shaped eyes, the boy must have made the assumption that, like Jackie Chan, I too was an outsider to his remote Bosnian village.-----I added a comma and crossed out a redundant "too," but I also think it is important to have sentences with internal... um, cohesiveness or something. What I mean is... you should not talk about his physical traits at the beginning of this sentence if the sentence ends with a comment about him thinking you are an outsider (i.e. non sequetor)

...Or in this case, to karate chop me in the leg. Now, I know better.---great, great ending... this is an impressive essay!

Undergraduate / Modernization of a Hometown - Common App [3]

Same Dan Brown that wrote the da vinci code? :-)


Boring! You must begin with a sentence that will intrigue any reader. I see that the essay is indeed interesting, but whenever you write anything it is important to attend to that first sentence. Make it a powerful sentence that can stand alone and give someone a cool experience on its own.

There is a lot wrong here:
With all that being said, t Strunk and White say, "Do not affect a breezy manner."
o attend this camp as a camper is one pretty penny.--I don't understand what this means. It costs a lot of money?

Sadly, many of my campers weren't all that passionate about rollerblading. ----I don't understand the logic of the sentences that precede this sentence.

Which leads me to It has to be part of the previous sentence if you start with "which"---> Sadly, many of my campers weren't all that passionate about rollerblading, whic h leads me to my experience with a certain 15 year-old camper who only ...

:-)

Undergraduate / interest in filmmaking + to improve personal development + Tunisian background - UCF [3]

Let's make it when instead of where:
where when I used to spend hours drawing pictures and making stories out of my imagination. A key point in my life is was when---and was instead of is. These are just nitty gritty grammar details.

Loving filmmaking is one thing, but another thing is entirely living it.---very clever!! I think they will be impressed.

The right education is always the key to a successful career, with University of Central Florida being one of those obvious choices. Too simple, too obvious! Come up with a more interesting and meaningful intro. :-)

UCF has such diversity regardless of one's appearance, ...

Furthermore, the faculty seems to posses all the up-to date facilities to help students reach every aspect of their potential.---At this part, you should mention specific resources you will use, because details like that show that you have a plan for your time at the school. That is a very important thing to show.

What also attracts me to UCF is the lifestyle outside the campus, in the wonderful city of Orlando. Partly because of my Tunisian background, I've...keep myself in shape. UCF being only 45 minutes from the beach, allows me to do so. With theme parks, restaurants, malls, and shops close to campus, ---All this is superficial. Write this essay in a way that shows them that you are so focused that you cannot stop thinking and talking and reading about film studies. Make it all about that vision, because the importance of your plan is what makes them feel the importance of admitting you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "interdisciplinary studies" - UNION COLLEGE SUPPLEMENT ESSAY [5]

I think it'll be better with " " marks:
knowing the "what," but also the "why" of certain...

issues, students just like myself. Being a curious student myself , I find the...

...gives one me the opportunity to learn more by also having the possibility to embrace my knowledge for future ...

This is looking good. To follow Kevin's advice even more, you can be a little more specific about the kinds of research that interest you (You have to read some recent articles for ideas). What chem and bio articles have you recently read? Mention one or two of them as examples of the kind of work that interests you in these fields.

This is seriously quite impressive now!