Posts by EF_Kevin

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Making an ideal society (opinions and solutions) [5]

Hello again, Annika, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are helping more people that anyone recently. Please visit this page. essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

We are lucky to have you here!

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / The main reason of spreading rubbish on planet Earth [2]

In our contemporary world, people are not concerned about spreading waste all over the planet Earth.

I like the way Anikka fixed the second sentence.

The main reason people spread rubbish is that they are not quite informed enough by the government about the consequences of negligence with waste.

In other words, people are not conscious about the dangerous and risky process of destruction on our beautiful planet.

:-) Please practice these sentences!! I made many changes.

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / "What is a good son or a good daughter?" - TOEFL iBT sobject [7]

I'm always impressed when I see an essay that Anikka helped with. Very good work here!

I'll give some other suggestions:

A good son or daughter should have several merits, especially merits related to their behavior toward their parents. Some of these important qualities are ...

We always owe our parents because of their countless efforts and devotions for growing us.----very good sentence! I would use "raising us" instead of "growing us."

So, it is our duty that obey them in all their true commands ~~although~~ even when their commands are the opposite of what we want.

Also, a ~~goon~~ good son or daughter should respect to their parents and never do ~~the works or say the statements that annoying them.~~ or say things that annoy them.

In conclusion a good child, son or daughter, should have many good traits related to other people, especially their parents. ----This is another great sentence! I just made a small change to it.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Undergraduate / Need help writing about short and long term education and career goals. [4]

Hi Melissa,

If you don't know where to start something like this, it is important to do some soul searching. You want to do med. transcription, but you don't know any short and long term goals. But doing transcription should be a way of achieving some kind of goal. Why do you want to do that instead of being a P.A. or a nurse or an admin person?

Search your feelings, Luke! You have to be able to envision the future, and it has to have details. If you read enough articles about med. transcription, that is the place to start. Read several articles, and you will think of goals while you read. If you are not interested in the articles, you might not be interested in this field.

As for the essay, I think you should start with the body paragraphs and write the conclusion last. Begin with a body paragraph about a short term goal. Once you have written a paragraph, it will get easier! :-)

And also, I really mean it about reading some articles. Read articles, and you will think of LOTS of short and long term goals.

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) old building preserve or demolish? [5]

Here are a few ideas I'd like to share:

With the acceleration of economic development, there is no denying that less land is available for new buildings.
I'll show you when to use "is" and when to use "are" in this situation:
Less land is available.
Less money is available.
Less water is available.
Fewer resources are available.
Fewer scholarships are

Plural:
Buildings, as the emblems of...

Besides, old buildings contain plenty of ~~memory~~ sentimental value to people, which could not be ignored.

In addition, old buildings are ~~a big amount of fortune~~ important sources of inspiration for architects and other designers.

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / Are we free to make our own choices in life, or are our decisions always limited [6]

Yes, excellent! It is supposed to be impracticable or impractical. Either of those words would work, but I don't think impractable is a real word.

...were before, but it is true that we cannot...

... less limited when choosing extracurricular activities and...

typo here: for daily couses whcih will...

Use plural, with an "s" because you have more than one neighbor:
One of my neighbours is...

I usually hear arguments with her parents about economic issues.

...should not by regarded as obstacles, but should rather be considered as contributions to the stability and harmony of the whole society.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / Should Schools Offer Moral Class? (SAT and homework) [4]

If someone pays you to accuse nine black men of...

Okay, and if you use "pays" you should also use "will" instead of "would."
the gang rape, even though the black men have never even touched you, ~~would~~ you lie or would you reject the offer?
Do you see what I mean? You could also do this: If someone paid you to accuse... would you...

Your choice is would depend on your moral...

values - do you value integrity, justice and non-racial discrimination very high and much higher than money? --Yes, and it is also important to consider whether you have enough compassion to abstain from ruining the lives of those men.

Use "a"------> We are living in a society, and we are members...

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2:People nowadays are more easily influenced by fashion [4]

have a question:
is it formal to "first....secondly..."

It is okay in formal writing, but I hate it! People should not say "firstly" and "secondly"... but that is just my opinion! :-) I think it is better if you can introduce a paragraph in a more creative way. Actually, I really just hate the "ly." It is okay to say "First, ..." and "Second,..."

All too often, we have seen and continue to see people, especially youths, wearing various strange clothes with odd haircuts as they hang out on the

street.

Do this: could---> would
can---> will
If you cannot help asking them why they dress up like this, they will say...
----- see what I mean?

First, it has made our lives more colorful. Imagine how tedious our society would be if all people are wearing decent style clothes. ---I changed this so that it would be suggesting to the reader that she should imagine that tedium.

All things have...
Each thing has...
In my conclusion, the fast developing of economy and technology make people all over the world easily to influenced by popular things, but each thing has two sides, and we should try our best to make good use of its advantages and counteract its negative effects on young people.---I made a lot of changes here.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Making an ideal society (opinions and solutions) [5]

Awesome, Rose, you are so nice to spend a lot of time helping with this!

I guess I have to disagree about one idea, though: I think the word "customs" works well there in the beginning, and it is also okay to say people in the same society have the same laws. It seems okay to me. :-)

I'll add something to this sentence, too:
Another factor is the need for a good security system.

In addition, a good security...

This sentence is correct, but it is even better without "doing"---> Also, solidarity within a country is significant because it can lead people to success in ~~doing~~ everything.

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Writing Feedback / The Internet has transformed lives and economies_Essay [8]

Yes, those are great corrections, Anikka!

Also, "everyone" is one word the way you use it in that first paragraph. Make it one word instead of two.

However, it is not likely that will soon think and act in the same way.---I made a small change here for clarity.

Paragraph topic sentences:
Try to organize your essay like this: The first sentence of every paragraph gives an idea that helps to explain the main idea of the essay. The first sentence of every paragraph can give an idea to support the argument: The Internet will not make everyone think the same way.

However, the way you wrote it is great! I just wanted to give you a good idea about PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES.

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Undergraduate / "Voluntary teaching experience" Why are you interested in the Ohio State University? [2]

That intro has a determined quality to it, very impressive. The only part I don't like is here:
~~Getting a quality undergraduate education is the foundation of my academic career.~~ That's a statement of the obvious! Replace it with a colorful, interesting sentence, perhaps with some action verbs, and make it a sentence that really expresses a message you want the reader to remember.

Capitalize:
As Thomas J Mayer says, "The people...
Capitalize:
I hope I can start "Education for Citizenship" from The Ohio State University, share my knowledge with others in the future, and...

Truly, this is an impressive essay. I think you did a great job. As you continue to work with this essay, try to convey your excitement about the future as you envision it to be, and get very specific as you describe your goals. The more specific your goals, the better!

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Scholarship / My project for a small grant from the US embassy in Tajikistan [4]

That title seems more appropriate, but let's be more descriptive and poignant:
Land Mines are Killing Children

Use the word "land" any time you use "mine," or it will cause confusion.

Here is another idea:
Protecting Children from Land Mines on the Border between Tajikistan and Uzbekistan

It is an important project, so it should have a large title that gets people's attention...

EF_Kevin

Apr 10, 2011

Grammar, Usage / help and tips in improving writing techniques [13]

Could moderators place a mark in the excellent work? For example, put "[recommend]" in front of title

Good idea! I started a collection like that a while back. Check out this thread: Kevin's Collection of Example Essays -- "good structure."

That one is all about "structure." Structure is an interesting concept in writing. I hope you enjoy that thread!

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / "how stupid I am"; 5 minutes down-town [5]

Ha ha, it's good to correct mistakes, but try not to pay too much attention! It makes you go crazy!

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / Why are people attracted to dangerous sports, activities? 'to expose themselves' [2]

Great edit, Turbina! I am seeing a lot of helpful advice from you. Please consider joining our contributors (see the link at the bottom of the screen).

I'll try to fix this part in the intro:
Today people, especially juveniles, are attracted to some new activities and sports that seem weird or dangerous. b~~ut they like to do them.~~ There are many reasons for ~~why they like~~ their enjoyment of these dangerous activities, and I will mention some of them. (RIGHT HERE, ADD A "THESIS STATEMENT" THAT EXPRESSES THE MAIN IDEA OF THE ESSAY. THEN, END THE FIRST PARAGRAPH.)

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / Ielts graph: Mobile Phones Market in 2005 & 2006 [3]

I think in that first sentence the word "several" or the word "various" might be better than "different."

Also...keep were with were---> The two companies which were the most similar ~~was~~ were Sony Ericsson and L.G.

This has to be 2 sentences:
Both had about 6.5% in 2005. However, Sony Ericsson went ...

In general it is clear that there were a lot of companies which were competing with each other to get higher ~~share~~ shares in the worldwide market of mobile phones.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / Some people think widening the roads is as solution for traffic.Do you agree? [3]

This one confuses me...
What is "man's"???

This is my interpretation:
Traffic is known in the international word, and it consists of three agents: people, routes and vehicles.

These agents cause disarray if ~~mans~~ people don't pay attention to traffic laws.

According to recent statistics, using methods from three groups can improve traffic problems in our society, and they are:

In traffic engieering,~~ways and~~ roads should make easy conditions for transport.

I hope this helps a little! Remember to capitalize the first word of every sentence.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / (IELTS topic) innate talent or pratice makes perfect? [3]

I don't know if that intro is suitable for the test or not. I think it is very cool! Whether or not is is suitable for the test depends on the test guidelines.

However, I see another errors that Turbina did not correct:
I once read a heated debate about whether ~~should~~ YaoMing should have changed his nationality before his daughter was born. ----You had placed the word "should" in the wrong spot.

Here, I'll add "the fact that"
That private issue that generates public concern enables me to think about the fact that people are born with talents or train to be excellent.

Let's also use "consider to be"
Some people consider that sport or music stars to be those people born with beneficial genes that they inherited.

Personally, I believe innate talent is the gift given by god, which puts advantaged people a step ahead of common people, who are struggling to achieve to a comparable level.---You write in a very nice way! I hope these small improvements help you.

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Scholarship / My project for a small grant from the US embassy in Tajikistan [4]

In 1999-2000, Uzbekistan took action to protect its...

... territory from terrorists by mining the border between itself and Tajikistan.

Soldiers mined those areas where for centuries people visited each other's homes, herded cattle, and engaged in farming, hunting, etc.

- To teach children to identify minefields.
- To teach children simple computer skills, and also teach girls basics of clothing production.----- Boys need to know about clothing production, too. In the 21st century, girls and boys must be taught the same way.

- -Organize ~~showing~~ educational activities that will show scenes of children participating on the problems and dangers of minefields.

The project is really important for supporting children from cross-border regions who are at risk of being blown up by landmines.

The union of ~~peoples~~ people affected by landmines and other explosives does not have previous experience managing grant funds because the organization was found in December 2010.

Okay, I think you did very well! This is such an important project! Good luck with it!
I suggest changing the title: ~~THE BASICS OF VITAL FUNCTIONS SAFETY~~ The project title should say something about land mines that the efforts you want to lead to improve safety.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Graduate / An MPA in Law and Public Management that allows for you to go to law school [2]

ive been out of school for 5 years the gre would be a nightmare at this point.

Oh! That is understandable... :-) Okay, let's see how the essay is...

I'll add "the" and a comma:
The English philosopher George Moore once wrote, "A man travels the ...

This statement best ~~describe~~ describes what comes to my mind when I think about continuing...

~~It has been 6 years~~ Six years have passed since I left home, and...

Prior to ~~being~~ ?? Prior to beginning my course work as a graduate student, I enrolled in...

You have some impressive ideas here, and you have some impressive skills and accomplishments, too! But why did you write it in all one long paragraph? It is SO important to use separate paragraphs, I cannot even emphasize it enough. You cannot succeed in law or management if you do not use paragraphs correctly. A paragraph is like a box you use to manage your belongings when you move to a new apartment. Without boxed, it is just a big mess.

Begin each paragraph with a TOPIC SENTENCE, and the powerfully explain that idea.

One paragraph = one idea.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / Should history be taught in academic life of any student? [15]

Whether it is worthy or not studying history today is quite an interesting issue.

Here is the sentence you planted in the reader's mind at the end of that paragraph. I think you should add a sentence to the end of that paragraph, and let it be a sentence that sums up the main idea of the essay.

Do not end the first paragraph by saying it is interesting. At the end of the paragraph, give your main idea for the essay.

So, what is the main idea? I think it is like this:
History is obviously worth studying, but in order to survive in this modern world some other subjects, such as mathematics and science, are more urgent and consequential. That is the way to sum up your main idea.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / corrections in my essay "aspects of teenage life" [18]

I did not notice this until now:
Most teenagers are in a complex over their appearance and surroundings and want to see themselves as a perfect models without any disabilities and "abnormalities" in their features. ~~are big issue for them.~~ I fixed it and simplified it.

People try to avoid abnormalities. ;-) But I think abnormalities are cool.

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / [Anne Boleyn] - Famous person I want to meet [6]

First of all, I am very impressed by her pride and her willingness to stand up for her rights and wishes.

A good example of this quality is the beginning of her relationship with Henry VIII.

Her action in this case shows her sense of morality.

Second she was ~~good~~ well educated, and her marriage with Henry VIII made her a key figure in the political and religious upheaval that was the start of the English Reformation. -----Wow, great sentence! Oh, wait a minute, I found that sentence online. It is a complex sentence, so I thought maybe you had copied, it, and I see that you did copy it from a website! But I know you are just trying to find the best ways to write with correct grammar.

Anyway, I think it is important to try writing without the help of any websites, and I will tell you if you have errors. By the looks of this essay, you will easily pass the toefl.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / [Ielts]anti-social behavior,why and solution.. [4]

do you think it should be "in"...maybe...to my opinion...."that" is more suitable

Yes! I agree. It's like this:
There are several reasons that contribute to this phenomenon.

As you continue to practice English, use short sentences instead of long, complex ones:
With the revolutionary change in the last half century, the entire human society has experienced great progress in varied respects beyond our wildest expectations . Meanwhile, the problems of...

And I'll make a small change to the end, too:
In brief, only when individuals develop themselves in a healthy way and hold strong moral values can the antisocial behaviors be decreased to some extent. Furthermore, governments should ensure the economic environment can be developed in a healthy way.~~style~~

Practice these corrections. :-) You write very clearly... keep practicing!

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / [ielts graph] Underground Railway Systems / popularity [2]

Oh, I see that Turbina has a good idea. Instead of saying "London was opened in XXXX," you should say:

First of all, the London underground railway facility was opened in 1983, which makes it the oldest in among of the six cities, followed by...
--------------Do it like this:
...which makes it thee oldest among six cities... ------ practice it that way.

Paris,Tokyo,Washington DC, ~~etc~~ Do not just write etc. Name them in order.-----... and Los Angeles last.

In terms of size, London's railway has appeared to be the biggest with its 394 kilometres of route.

However, interestingly, passengers per year of Tokyo revealed the highest number with 1927 millions, though its size was less than half of London's size.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Dissertations / Topics for Ph.d in Management (CRM or educational system) [2]

Ideally, you pursue your studies and eventually develop a special interest. That interest motivates you to complete a Ph.d...

Do you know what I mean? Your creativity should come from the correct place. If I suggest a list of topics, it is as though I am giving you a bunch of dismembered body parts to build into a human being.

The correct place to look for your topic is RECENT ARTICLES. The topic that motivates me does not necessarily motivate you. If you read some recent articles that FASCINATE you, pay special attention to the "literature review."

Most professional journal articles will have a lit review. That will show you much of the recent work that has been done. The word YOU do depends on what has already been done.

S, you should read about the various research methods -- survey research, case studies, correlative, grounded theory, and so forth. Then, read many article about research studies using those methods. You will have to read a few hundred pages of articles about management and CRM, etc, but if these subjects truly interest you it will be enjoyable to do all that reading. In your reading, you will notice what is missing. What topic needs to be covered right now in order to help improve practice, save money, etc?

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People are more fashionable now. What factors contribute to this? [4]

Excellent advice here. Kevin, please type the essay again using her corrections. If you have questions, ask us, and we'll try to help.

I'll give a few more ideas here:

Firstly, the media plays a key role in influencing people's opinions.

More and more media attention is paid to clothing, footwear, and accessories.

~~People are living in the world wherever media takes as the main interface to exchange information.~~ Try to simplify here. I don't know what you mean to say...

Television, magazines and outdoor advertisings are ~~fulfilled~~ filled with a variety of fashion displays which include new clothing collections on Milan fashion weeks, the iPad2 published in New York, or LV bags shown in Paris.---Is the iPad really a matter of fashion? Yes, I guess it is fashionable!

:-)

Fulfill means something like "satisfied." I think you meant to write "filled."

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Writing Feedback / corrections in my essay "aspects of teenage life" [18]

Hello Hafsa,

I came right over to this thread to see if I could help, because I saw your excellent discussions in some other threads. Thanks for being here and making EssayForum a better resource by adding your ideas!

Death of a parent or sibling (god forbid!) seriously impacts ones life. you actually feel left out when your friends and people around you talk about their respective parent, being very rich or brave or intelligent, when actually you have lost that person.

This is powerful writing! How insightful...

I see some places where you failed to capitalize the first word of a sentence, though. Also, I'll make some small changes:
The death of a parent or sibling (God forbid!) seriously impacts...

Add an apostrophe: one's life.

Capitalize:
You actually feel left out when your friends and people around you talk about their respective parents being very rich, brave, or intelligent, when actually you have lost that person.----Thisis my favorite part of the essay. I think you are a profound philosopher.

EF_Kevin

Apr 9, 2011

Undergraduate / "unusual to see a soldier contribute to his nation" Commonapp essay to Ivys [14]

Hello Friends, this is such an interesting threat. I assume the inspiration in the thread comes from the great essay. I like this approach you took, even though it is full of self-aggrandizement. This kind of essay is always full of self-aggrandizement as you try to present yourself in a positive way. But it is gracious to give credit to some concept instead of keeping all the credit... for example, something or someone might have inspired you to be so committed and passionate. What is it that caused you to be so motivated? Give credit to that concept or person who motivated you.

As for the title... think about what concept you want to share with the reader and make the reader remember... I wonder if there is ONE WORD that perfectly expresses that concept. What is the word? Maybe it is a word that will make the reader think for a long time.

You are very creative!

EF_Kevin

Apr 8, 2011

Undergraduate / "my commitment to continue to challenge myself" - UC Davis waitlist essay [4]

I believe UC Davis will be the right choice for me because as a first generation college student, I would like to aim as high as I can, and UC Davis is the best college that will help me succeed in that. As a student serious about his education, instead of taking a light load in my senior year, I took 3 AP classes -----Very impressive.

I don't know what I want to do yet, but I do know that I want to make a change in this world, and to do that I need a great school to prepare me.----not so impressive. This whole sentence should be cut. Do not talk about indecision. You can have multiple careers. Instead of saying you have not decided, list 3 subject areas that fascinate you. Presentation is everything.

~~I believe UC Davis has all the right tools, teachers, and programs that will help me become successful no matter what path I choose to take.~~ meaningless. Discuss a specific prof whom you admire.

Whether I decide to become an engineer or a psychologist, I know UC Davis will prepare me for the obstacles that will come in life. This is why UC Davis has always been my first choice, if given the opportunity, school I would choose to enroll. Thank you for giving me this opportunity, and I look forward to your decision. This does not convince them. You can convince them by making a TENTATIVE PLAN. Think of something you might do. Take action as though you were certain. It is okay to list a few subjects that interest you, but I hope you will name some SPECIFIC GOALS that you can achieve by using the SPECIFIC RESOURCES at this school.

It will be easy and meaningful! I added the word "in" so now it is 200 words ;-) but I really hope you remove the vague affirmations that it is a good school and replace them with specific facts, goals, plans, and self-imposed deadlines. You are a "man on a mission."

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 8, 2011

Scholarship / "the defining moment in my education" -gaining scholarship for meritorious candidates [14]

can u please give me an idea as how to start and how to conclude the SOp

Hi Anika, I'm sorry I did not get a chance to look at that other essay before the deadline. let's look at this task:

how the proposed study will benefit their home country

So, what will be your career? That is the way to answer the question. Does India need more people to choose the career you choose? Maybe India needs someone who will choose the career you are choosing and approach it in a particular way.

What is your way?

This is very simple: Describe what you want to do in the next 5 years, and do some research about this profession in India.

You should show HOW SOMEONE IN YOUR PROFESSION CAN IMPROVE INDIA.

Do you see what I mean? This can be a very beautiful essay. You have to get in touch with your vision for the future.

EF_Kevin

Apr 8, 2011

Undergraduate / Nursing school - a scenario that challenged your core values & how you responded [4]

Great job, Kerri!

Chun, I like this essay. I'll do a little with this paragraph:
I was crying out from my heart. However, I could not do anything but keep walking as if I had not heard it.----The way you wrote it was not bad, but this is even better.

Such ignorance challenged/ led me to think about----either of those words is fine. I like "challenged"

Simplify here:
~~Trains of thoughts/~~ I was inundated with ~~trains of~~ thoughts and emotions from my family to all teachers and friends

From this experience, I had opportunity to appreciate what I had taken for granted and reflect on my identity as a proud Korean and Asian.

~~For~~ Once more, I murmur it to myself and laugh it off.
"Ching - Chang - Chong"

Very cool, Chung!!

EF_Kevin

Apr 8, 2011

Essays / How to get started with a difficult assignment. [4]

Hello Friends,

I just had to use a very important strategy, and I want to take a moment to share it with you:

If you have a project that seems so complicated that you feel overwhelmed, try this strategy. Just do one thing. Just break off one piece of the assignment and do it. I had to write something recently for some guy's website, and it was about a business I do not know much about (real estate). How could I write a whole website for someone about a business I do not know very well?

I surprise myself every time, because if I just find one little piece of it that I can do the rest falls into place.

I wrote a section about "social responsibility," and I was able to come up with something cool to say. It gave me an idea about how to write the "about us" section. After I had written that, I thought of a new strategy that I suggested to the guy, and he thought it was a good idea. I used that strategy as my starting point to write the main page, and suddenly the site is almost completed.

So, when you have to write a 15 page research paper and you do not know where to begin, remind yourself that this is a process of exploration. If you are going to explore a mansion, you cannot expect to see it all at once. So, do not look at your assignment instructions all it once.

Just find one article to read, and write about that article as a way of getting started. Do that for another relevant article, and you will be well on your way. Don't feel overwhelmed, because it will all become clear once you get started.

And once you get started, complete it in any way you can. Whatever you can do right now is good enough. You'll keep getting better and better.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 7, 2011

Graduate / So You want to be a parelegal, how come? [2]

please be nice

Hah, ha, okay, I'll try!

Use a comma before quoted stuff:

Martin Luther King once said, "Take that first step in faith...you may not see the whole staircase, but take that first step."

This is a run-on sentence:
When I applied for graduation from John Jay College I noticed that something was missing from my transcript, I did not declare a concentration.
When I applied for graduation from John Jay College I noticed that something was missing from my transcript; I had not declared a concentration.-----I don't know if I like this sentence! It suggests that you did not realize you forgot to declare a concentration!

You have a great, eloquent way of writing, but you did not use any paragraphs! You cannot write in all one long paragraph. That is like when someone calls you on the phone and tells you 10 different things without stopping to take a breath. The reader cannot follow it.

You have great potential as a writer, I think, so check out Strunk and White. Divide this essay into paragraphs. Think of one or two important ideas you want the reader to remember, and express them at the end of some of the paragraphs after you divide this into paragraphs.

:-) Welcome to essayforum!!

EF_Kevin

Apr 7, 2011

Writing Feedback / Independent life or living with family? [6]

Ha ha, yes, it works. If you have time, please go help some other people with their essays. Everyone needs feedback from multiple people. :-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 7, 2011

Writing Feedback / A Two-page essay discussing how the rest of the world view America. [2]

For many decades, America has been known as the...

After the September of 2001 tragedy, the position has changed.

Why have the American image and reputation recently become bad?

If you are using MLA style citations, no comma is necessary in the parentheses, and the PUNCTUATION GOES OUTSIDE THE PARENTHESES:
"American movies and television programs get mixed reviews while American science and technology engender substantial respect around the world" (Kull).
No date is necessary in MLA style. But if you are using the date, it is APA, so you should put the reference list in APA style.

Maybe you are using a style i do not know...

No need to capitalize military:
For example, the American military presence in the...

Furthermore, the way America deals with many international issues ~~gets a~~ causes substantial disdain in the region.

It is ~~obviously~~ obvious that the main motive that shapes negative...

Nice job!!!

EF_Kevin

Apr 7, 2011

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Do you agree or disagree the young children spend most of their time playing? [6]

Welcome to EssayForum, Wu!!

I'll show you the correct grammar for some sentences. Please practice typing with the correct grammar.

First of all, the development of children shouldn't ~~have~~ involve pressure.

The formal education ~~might be~~ makes it possible to teach our useful knowledge and information.

Most of schools ~~advocate that~~ try to help children have happy learning experiences so that they become lifelong-learners.

However, teachers can't make sure children totally understand the ideas that the books try to convey.

Thus, most teachers might hold a test to examine how well children learn.

By doing so, this will increase their pressure and ~~disobey~~ undermine the school's original idea.--Very good point!!!

When they grow up, they might remember their childhood.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 7, 2011

Grammar, Usage / help and tips in improving writing techniques [13]

All writing is copying. You have to use the same words and phrases that have always been used. So, let's collect words and phrases just like a collection of weapons to use in a battle.

As an English language and literature student, we have to read a lot of literary works and also write many essays. This is a long process if you want to progress.

Now use these sentences in many ways:
As English language and literature students, we have to read a lot of literary works and also write many essays.
As English language and literature students, we have to read a lot of literary works and also write many essays.
As people who care about the environment, we have to tell our Facebook friends about how to recycle their plastic and also write many articles about pollution.

You can learn one sentence very well and use in in many situations. That was my strategy for learning Spanish. I think it does NOT have to take a long time to get good at English as long as you make a good COLLECTION OF SENTENCES to use.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Apr 7, 2011

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: TV has destroyed communication among friends and family? [4]

Annika, you are so great!

Let me work on that first paragraph:
Some people consider television to be a technology that has destroyed communication among friends and family, while others tend to enjoy the advantages it brings.

Television shows affect one's communication with others in a negative ways by showing lots of violence and sex; nevertheless, we can decide to watch TV appropriately and enjoy beneficial and shared information it provides. ----Wow, this is a great sentence.

In my opinion, TV would not damage communication among friends and family, because ___________________________________ (try to sum up your main idea, and then end the introduction paragraph).

EF_Kevin

Apr 7, 2011

Writing Feedback / Nature or Nuture: the talent is important, but tenacity and perseverance are more. [3]

Great thread! Please practice the correct grammar as you can see in these posts by anika and jennyelbow.
Practice typing every sentence 10 tiems, and you will remember the correct grammar! :-)

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents -- for instance, sports, music, and so forth -- while others are not.

However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

~~It is a~~ A heated argument exists in people's discussions of nature and nurture. People have different ideas about those who have special genius in sports or music and others who have needed to train in order to excel.

:-)