Undergraduate / My performance in the Talent Show and further competitions - meaningful talent essay [11]

@davidy, there's another student who is dong the same prompt, she goes with @PokeMonica or something like this and she got a lot of response on how to enhance the essay. I know you did too but I think it will help if you have another essay to get some ideas from or comparison at least. Now, let's see if you want to include the sentence to your essay, let's have a look at the outcome.

- This is a world filled with unpredictability, but I am glad that my impromptu talent improvisation makes myself ready all the time.
( this is what I think for the first sentence that you want to add a s a header for your essay, let me know what you think )

- Everything was going just fine;, every note flew out from my saxophone,
- ...at least improvising is better than to stopping the performance unnaturally.
- The judges' comment was...
- They were feeling all kinds of pressure;, two...

Well, there you have it. a few corrections and just a reminder for future writing pieces, use a comma instead of a semi colon in breaking your sentences. Though semi colon help in separating specific elements of your essay, a comma is what you need to stress out words and phrases in your sentences.

Undergraduate / There are a million and one different things to consider when choosing what college to attend. [3]

- Growing upTaking care of animals has..
- ...always been my passion;
- ever since I wasas a little girl...
- ...Tech and it has been implanted...
-My teacher's pastprevious students...
- Hearing about the fun labslaboratory activities they got...
- I fell more in love with the...
- University more and more .
- The town of Blacksburg, Virginia is a beautiful oneplace and. Bb eing able
- The campus at all times of the year is breathtaking. Withand with it being....

I believe your genuine reasons to be part of UV Tech is good enough to grant you the admission, you wrote the response to the prompt to the best of your knowledge which is very well done. It's just a pity that you have word restrictions because of course, this restricted you to write an even more elaborated essay, anyhow, after the corrections, your essay should be good to go. Best of luck to you.

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch School of the Arts - Review "How We Define Creative Entrepreneur" [4]

- Being an artist nowadays require beingsomeone to be intricate...
- ...and multi-layeredmult- dimensional .
- At this point in time , we can...
- Today artists today take more responsibilities by creating their own labels,
- CulturalMusic giants like Kanye West..
- I am convinced that being a multi-layeredtalented artist...

Well, as a creative person, you definitely should have a lot of creative juices in order to take on the higher stakes of this very challenging industry, not only will you have long nights of squeezing your brains out for could- be, would-be ideas, you also need to make sure that you stand out, you are second to none and of course make sure that you keep your ideas safe and protected from plagiarism.

I hope my remarks help in enhancing your essay.

Graduate / Essay for Master in Management Study Northwestern University---Contemporary Managerial Issue [5]

- ButHowever from the employees'( no need for the apostrophe on the word "employees" ) point of view,
- their choices are between to jumping ship
- and stayingor to stay .
- ...the proper use of statistical data which...

Well there's not much to work on as you have written the essay quiet good. I know you can write more however this should be able to suffice what is asked of the prompt. Employee retention can be a very stressful thing to do, the company do so much to please it's employees and keep the information from going beyond it's boarders but then again it's up to them to choose what they want and when they want. The only thing that a company can do is to be consistent, lawful and of course put a little heart in everything they do.

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavor, do let us know what happens.

Undergraduate / A Reflection Across History [5]

1st paragraph
- Not all people will share your perspective on issues;,
- Naturally, this attitude set me at odds withfrom my peers,
- The visit to the museum fostered in me a hunger in me

Last paragraph
- I stepped out onto the sidewalk;, the clamor

This is very minor remarks I made on your essay, I must say that the only thing that you have to consider is your punctuation marks, a comma can suffice the break that will put a stress on the phrases. A few grammar remarks but overall, everything should be fine and it's a well - written essay.

The reflection you had is absolutely helpful as you face life as a whole person, redefined by the realization you have with life.

Scholarship / Study plan for a BSc course KGSP-2016. I want to be a entrepreneur. [3]

@alif, I'd like to help out and work on the first part of your essay.

A.
- In the case ofWith regard to my proficiency in English,
- I have been learningstudying it...
- from my kindergarten school as my second language.
- ...known to me as like as English.
- If I getShould I be granted the scholarship,

- After arrivingAs soon as I arrive in Korea...
- ...to enhance my reading skills .
- So thatIn order for my upcoming bachelor's degree...
- ...course will seemcan be easier tofor me.
- ...will practice the Korean language more and more
- ...so that I will be proficient as like as a native of Korean .

There you go, I hope you follow through with the corrections for the rest of the essay and the best of luck.

Undergraduate / A new perspective: Priveleged vs. Unprivileged...PENN STATE Personal Statement [4]

- ...the United States all of my life.
- ...my parents never let me forget thefail to remind me of my roots.
- where I originally came from.( this is not necessary as it is obviously stated in the previous phrase )
- loud auto car noises,...
- it also has many components that could improve mainly orphans. ( I'm not sure what you mean by this phrase, please elaborate )
- AfterAs soon as we arrived,
- ...many orphans there are there in India...
- I appreciated the things I am able to have like my family and my education.
- For the next week, me and my cousins and I collected
- this one week of providing service to few of the many
- orphans and it made me feel accomplished as a human being.

There you have it, just a few remarks from my side. The only thing that I can say, which is a common mistake for us whose speaking English as a second language is that we seem to do direct translation when it comes to writing and even when we talk. This is fine and what we can do to overcome this is to practice, speaking the language more and write whenever we can.

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship Follow- Up Project Essay. Just answered ques.; needs more depth and gram. check [3]

Hi @taryn, I'd like to work on the needed work on your essay.

1. Briefly outline your proposed project to promote the Gilman Scholarship and international education. How will this project impact your home university or home community? What are your project goals?

- I would create an illustrated journalMy proposed project to promote the Gilman Scholarship...
- and international education. will be to create an illustrated journal.
- The journey would be filled with drawingsillustrations of my...
- ...International Program Center onat UNCG...
- ...campus as a way to promote studying in Hong Kong or an other available region.
- Art is an easyeffective way to catch people's attention,
- so the goal will beis for students..

2. What is your target population and how will your project impact this group?

- Young people will focus more on pictures
- or creative drawingsillustration than reading.
- The IPC scheduled classroom presentations...
- ..focus and not to drift away...
- ...student onin the campus;, however
- I will want this project to be presented
- to more of the freshmen class.
- SinceAs they are younger,
- I feelbelieve that they will beare more..
- ...plan to studyin studying overseas inin preparation for their future academic career.

There you have it, quiet a lot of remarks and I hope they help. I must say that the struggle I faced with your essay is the form of verbs that you used, you tend to be futuristic that you forgot this essay is written to depict your goals for the future so the verbs to use should be in present form.

Undergraduate / What would you fight for? & Describe yourself, Honors Program Application [6]

1. My mom believes in Voltaire's "Life depends on motions" so that she laughs at my motto that "Life depends on staying motionless" (very humorous)

2. I have been learningstudying the Chinese bamboo flute for over 8 years
- and therefore beI am fond of pop music that containsincorporates the traditional part of Chinese instruments.

3. Despite my love for watching basketball games, I still prefer DOTA2 sinceas it requires no outdoor preparation and prevents potential harm but can still train my reflexes and cultivate the team spirit.

4. Though I'm always considered as a nerd,
- I learnstudy for the sake of learning, reading (mostly historic and scientific fictions) for pleasure,
- and write (short stories in random topics) for gettingin order to getthe constant flow of imagination out of my chest.

5. I studied Cantonese on my..

I still have to determine the relationship of the questions to your prompt and reading through, I must say that some of the sentences needs more improvement and I did the best I can to improve your essay, I hope it helps.

Graduate / Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. [14]

@Iro, I read your response to the EF contributor and she's write, it's very essential that you remain on the topic and writing objectively when it comes to a more sensitive piece of writing. Before I begin to dice up your essay, I'd like to wish you the best of luck in this endeavor and I hope my little help, makes a difference.

2nd paragraph

- ...and the support displayed
-...regardingtowards the student's grade.
- ...mother revealed to me that both...
- I assured her that we wouldwill work...
- ...matters is not to never give up.
- During tutortutorial sessions,
- I wasam overjoyed withby the student's
- I gotget to experience...
- that and watch seniors depart tofor their dream universities.

I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Graduate / This is my SOP for Polymer Science course. Do reply with your inputs. College applications time! [3]

@gaya, I'll be working on the first three paragraphs of your essay, I will get back to you on the other part of it.

1st paragraph
- I believe in and have often..
- Polymer Science is a truly a broad...
- multidisciplinary( you have used this word at the beginning of the essay, try to find a different word perhaps)

2nd paragraph
- ...that one class of the materials..

3rd paragraph
- I am especially curious about the structurestructural property

You have a very elaborately detailed essay and constructed in a very logical order. As you can see I only made a few remarks as your essay is written quiet well.

There are, of course, very little corrections that can help enhance your essay.
For now, this is what I can share and I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Intellectual vitality Essay for Stanford -- sisters v. pilgrimage (250 words) [5]

- Not only did this experience reveal, within me, resilient curiosity within me but also courage.
- Being that I am inherently shy,
- ...and studylearning skills: myand yes I do have the potential to apply them.

Intellectual vitality essay, sounds very strong and the purpose of the essay is very significant. It entails a profound proof of your intellect, academic background and achievements and while it was a fun and entertaining essay, your writing piece also depicts your intellectual capacity however, I know that you cam write more and better piece of essay. The strength of your essay lies on the fact that you are able to write an intriguing yet entertaining piece with the collaboration of life experiences.

Now, I made some corrections as you can see above, I hope they help, the issue that I see in your writing is the lack of linking words that enhances an essay or perhaps this may not be needed but just for future reference, be sure to add adjectives and play more with words.

Undergraduate / It all started with a workbook my mom ordered for me - My interest in Japanese language and culture [5]

@amyo, I will be very straight forward in making my suggestions for your essay, this way you will see the remarks pretty easy and you can follow through easily.

-...Japanese, and she bought me
- a self-teachingstudy workbook so I could do just that.
- ...when I gotget home from school,
- I'd work through a page or two of the book and felt amazedamazing

- Not long thereafter duringon my..
- I was notified bythrough a letter
- ....Virginia's Japanese Governors' School of Language Academy.
- HeretoforeHowever , I was alone...

- The 2014 Governor's Japanese Academy did not disappoint me and I met amazing people.

@amyo you'll be glad to know that there is also a student here in EF who is interested on Japanese education, I just can't remember what the name of the student is but just like you this student is also aiming for the UV to take on a Japanese education, you guys share the same interest so I guess you will get along very well. When I com across the students name, I will send you a message so you can start a, hopefully, lifelong friendship.

Undergraduate / "Shall we Dance" - a Japanese movie. UVA College of Arts and Sciences Essay [6]

- and study Japanese.( on this part of the essay, what do you mean by "Japanese" is it the culture, the language or the literature, please be more specific )

- ...dull life of a Japanese...
- ..dancing changeschanged his life for the better.

Well it seems that you are rather interested and intrigued with the Japanese culture, history, lifestyle and the overall Japanese association instead of being passionate about it. Now, what you have written may not be the best essay for an admissions application,however, you'll definitely be able to come up with a good essay, may be a few more paragraphs, a couple more and you should be good to go. The overall focus of this essay that you wrote is the movie and though it is helpful in developing your love for the Japanese culture, it should not be the center of your essay. Remember that the goal is for you to get admission to the UV.

I hope the remarks I made help a little bit, I hope to see you re- written essay here on EF, Best of luck to you.

Undergraduate / Growing up in Poland and then after 17 years applying to the US colleges - Tufts Supplement Essay #2 [4]

- ...most influential factor onin the person I am today.
- ...was at my grandparents'( an apostrophe is not necessary for the word "grandparents", this is a common mistake of writers as they caution themselves for just in case situations when it comes to proper input of punctuation marks, this is very minor remark but it will make a difference if you don't have it at all )

- house or going to church with the whole family.
- My tight knit familyrelationship taught me the..
- ...importance of being close to my family throughout life.

-...advice they have said toimpart on me.
- As I transitioned into the life of an "American",
- I had to put in into learning English...
- or don't give it anything at all.

There you have it, a few enhancements from my side, I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / Villanova Supplement Writing - My Grandmother and Genuineness [5]

Hi @Csar, I hope my suggestions is not too late.
Kindly find them below.

- ...Sweet and generous woman
- but hadshe has blistering steel
- ...coating in her words.
- I can admit,
- now , that these...
- ..it was t he stream...
- ...pushed to the limits...
- ...quickly leftgot me worn out.
- I'm only a human, with limitations.

- I've begun to...
- I want athe compliment?
- I can achieve...
- ..."Yes, Nana" will beis completely genuine.

That's very noble of you to take care of our elderly, however, make sure that you take care of yourself too.
I hope my little help makes a mark on your essay.

Undergraduate / Dropping grades and then recovery - to overcome my procrastination and the lazy lifestyle [4]

Well Michael, initially running through your essay, I kind of grasping for air, as your sentences lacks a few commas here and there and this is not helping your readers understand the essay and message you are trying to send. Now let's slice up your essay and see if we can enhance it further.

- Around seventh grade, my grades began to drop, and I noticed myself...
- ...my attendance ofat a local private ...
- ...summer wasn'tdidn't really..
- ...helping me achieve...
- ...decided enough wasis enough.

- ...to what I would be learning thatthis upcoming year,
- ...and willpower I overcameovercome ( though the action has been done in the past, it still takes the present form of the verb)
- this obstacle stronger than I was before,
- improving myself in different ways a long the way.
- If I didn't push through and worked towards my ambition,

There you have it, I made the corrections as straightforward as possible as this will show you the difference between your original essay to that of the modified one and this will help you follow through for your future writing pieces.

Undergraduate / Mom motivates to succeed in life [4]

@rmaxena, at first I was not sure what you're aim in writing this quiet short essay and I believe you can definitely write more.

Having read your essay, it suggest that your mother had a pretty tough decision to make and the decision she made is absolutely the best decision she ever did. Now, there's no point of elaborating that part of your life as it is stated obviously in the sentence you have, her motivation throughout your life will be emphasize when you get into something that you will be very successful for and be known for.

Now, maybe an addition of couple more paragraphs should be able to lift your essay and will define it's purpose.
Oh and I made a few corrections on the sentences that you already have;

- Faced with many obstacles in my life I never...
- She works hard to make sure I'm well takingtaken
-...cared of so...
- ...I have to do the same to repay her.

I look forward to reading your full written essay here on EF, best of luck!!!

Essays / Single elderly people should be taken care of. Give a comment about this issue. [6]

- ...by a new technology...
- ...that analyses household sounds to ensure their safety.

- From breathing and, coughing...
- ...heat and humidity levels can also be detected by this machine that will ensure the safety of the user and the people in the household.

More so, the alarm is sent to the authorities that will respond at any given time to aid the elderly. This development in technology is absolutely beneficial and will give piece of mind to our elderly .

There you have it, I did a few remarks and a couple of sentences added to your essay, I hope you're not restricted with the number of words you can write so you can include my additions.

I believe you did cover what is asked in the prompt and taking care of our elderly is a noble thing to do.

Undergraduate / Right now, what is uniquely you?--Absence and knowledge--my story [8]

@McClunge, I hope it's not too late for me to give my advice in your situation more so to your essay.

Your essay is good enough in answering the prompt however I believe it lacks little pieces of information about your academic status, having said that, the essay is not aimed at your academic status rather to the personal side of you. I love the fact that you are able to elaborately write about your life and the challenges that came with it. Sometimes it's hard to write about our situation especially when somebody has to read it and definitely will give a feed back about it, as much as we want, we want to be objective with our writing but of course adding a little bit of personal touch wont hurt.

On a much personal side, don't be afraid to challenge your future, there is no such things when it comes to what you can do in designing your own life.

I encourage you to be more bold, be aggressive in dealing with your approach for the future. Remember, You Only Live Once, so make the most out of it, I know this is a cliche but believe me it definitely works! Live your life the way you want it, the way you need it and the way you find happiness the most, because the next thing you know, life is over and you can never go back.

I wish that you practice writing more, it doesn't need to be an essay or a long piece of writing but writing more often, definitely helps.

Graduate / MBA Application essay explaining low GPA [5]

- ..when the going gets tough.
- quitting to quit is very easy.
- I wanted to give it up and go back home.
- ...away from your home and
- ButHowever, the college carried...
- ...in my life,whichthat no course work could teach me.

So you asked if this part of your application essay is convincing, I say yes, given the conditions that you have elaborated in the essay.

It is really a challenge when you're new to town and you try to blend in. It takes a lot of effort, time and long nights to think about how you're going to interact with the people around you. However, days and nights will pass and when you do good and hope for the best of everyone, everything will fall into place.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope my remarks help.

Scholarship / Executive and co-founder of the Information and Communication Technology Students Association [6]

@Nana, I read your essay and I feel bad that there is a word count restriction as this will limit you in writing a far greater essay than you already have.

However, let's dice up your essay and hopefully we can enhance it without going far from the limited number of words.

- Playing a leadership role in leadership ,
- I wasam an executive...
- ..our drive wasis to support,
- ...students towards attaining...
- Being one of the officials...
- I was always chosen to tutored students.
-...we have tutored and supported students...

There you go, I hope this helps!!!

Graduate / Advanced Computer Architecture / Electronic Devices - Review SOP for MS in VLSI [5]

2nd paragraph:
- ...have helped me ato build...

4th paragraph:
-These ,I feelbelieve ,
- ...and appreciate the hard work that goes inwith it.

5th paragraph:
- ...in school and college.

Conclusion:
- ...that is required whilein pursuing...

That's about it and don't hesitate to elaborate your work experience, it may not be related to what course you'd like to take or the course you graduated from but it definitely matter when it comes to your application. Remember, your current work situation is a great addition to your application, however not related, it may be a builder towards greater achievement in your future career and it will definitely increase your chances in this application.

Undergraduate / Busy and the most sensitive summer 15 when something had been changed - Personal Essay [9]

- ...deprived areas of the province for the sake of being among the children of there; showing a movie,to show a film to the children

- and givinggive them some...
- I really was really interested..
- ...conditions of deprivedthese areas;,
- I'm intrigued of how people live there,
- ...session somea few days before the trip.
-...and the audiences are mostly children mostly ,

- We started our trip at the four o'clock of Tuesday,
- ...serve the breakfast amongfor the children,
- One of the most interesting parts of the trip..
- tofor me was the period we were attaking the
-...the route of thereitself .
- Almost all of the route, I was listening to Yann Tiersen pieces during the whole trip .
- ..of the southern Iran,
- and the early morning's air and light was truly was awesome and unique.
- different,( there is no need to add a comma when it is followed by the word "and" )
- and their values wereon different things.

Well, as you can see @alim, there's a lot of room for improvement, I chose to be hands on and do the necessary correction sentence by sentence, this way you will be able to see the difference in the sentences after the corrections are made. The condition that you are writing this essay is based on a direct translation with what is going on in your mind which is affected by your mother language, I know, because sometimes I do the same, however if you practice the language and writing it as well, you will definitely make it perfect.

Scholarship / How I managed to understand this phrase: "Practice makes perfection" - 'challenge' scholarship essay [4]

- From tendera very young age,
- ..skills in ICT. ( it will help if you can elaborate what "ICT" means and why you chose this course)

- I carefully studied what he always does...
-I certainly did not understood...
- ...what "Practice makes perfection "
- means until I started to do a self-study...

Well, that's about it. My remarks are quiet few and minor but I hope they help enhance your essay and just like your attitude towards ICT, I hope you do the same with your writing skills, practice makes perfect, this is absolutely true.

Now, I highlighted on elaborating ICT and what it means because most of your readers especially here in EF will only have a general idea on what ICT means and elaborating it will truly help in gaining an understanding on your essay and what your trying to come up with.

Undergraduate / SOCIAL MEDIA - Blessing & Curse; Undergraduate Essay-Challenging a Belief or Idea [3]

- ...and thus it s far more difficult to avoid.
- InT his way,
- On onethe other hand,
- ...vulnerable than mostanyone .
- We innately crave others'for other peoples ( for future reference on the word "others", there is no need to add an apostrophe) approval,

- whether I alwaysregardless if truly agree...

Well, the ending is not that much to be hateful about, however, I feel like it's not as a compelling ending as you want to put it especially that you are writing an essay for your undergraduate course. More so, I'm not convinced that you have justified what is asked if the prompt.

The story in the last paragraph which is your ending should be the 3rd paragraph from the body and you have to come up with a well grounded conclusion.

Maybe something like this;

Overall, belief is challenged more times than you can imagine, what you can do is stay grounded at all times and weigh the pros and cons before challenging this belief. Moving forward, I believe that I can be able to establish my own set of beliefs and practice them religiously, for now, I think before I click on my social media participation and when my day is not going what I hope it will be, I turn to social media to pump me up.

Something like this on the ending of your essay. I hope this helps.

Scholarship / How did you become interested in your area of academic focus? What influenced your choice of this ma [3]

- ..a love offor teaching...
- ...they changed( "change" should remain in the present tense as you are writing an ongoing action )

- ..I knew teaching is really( I suggest deleting the word "really" because it makes your essay indecisive and this does not help your essay at all ) my dream job.

- I started out likingfocusing on math because...
- ..I was good at it; , it felt rewarding...
- Then as I started to take hardermore challenging math..
- classes, and the concepts...
- didn't always come as easilyeasy
- buthowever it was okay because I enjoy a good problemabsolutely rewarding and I enjoy every moment of it .

This is the help I'd like to give. I hope it enhances your essay. There's a lot of follow through, I know that English is not your strongest point but don't worry it's not your weakest either. However, there's still a lot of room for improvement and practice makes a lot of difference in your writing skills.

Undergraduate / Unforgettable quotes from the literature - Amherst essay [3]

Well, @schang, I believe you delivered what is asked of the prompt.
The points are met to be able to justify what was needed, I love the fact that you were able to blend your personal insights and experience to the essay and in doing so, you were still able to be objective to your essay.

What I did not appreciate as much is the fact that there is a word restriction or that you were restricted to have the maximum number of words that you can write.

It's a very good topic and you can definitely write some more. Literature is a broad topic, a lot of complex ideas can be rolled into a great piece of writing, however, it takes a lot of writing skills.

Nevertheless, you still have a long way to go, practice writing more, hone your talent everyday and be sure to refresh your language rules as it may hit you hard in your writing if you get left out or you make a mistake without the intention of doing so.

Undergraduate / Non-Academics That I Have Learned Through Academics University of Texas at Austin App Essay [4]

@Mack, running through your essay, I believe there are a lot of improvement to be done.
So here's my help for the first two paragraphs and I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

- If I did not have this competitivenesscompetition
- I do notdon't think...
- ...excelled so much in academics and extracurriculars.
- This competition has been my motivemotivation

- I am grateful that I overachievedhave strived and achieved enough in order to have a solid foundation as...
- ThisMy competitivenessnature will allow me to do my best
- My motiveinspiration has helped
- ...to get into a wonderful schoolrenowned institution and begin..

There you have it @Mack, I hope this helps.
I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Important life lessons from Panera Bread [3]

- ...to very many othera lot of people...
- aside fromother than my family and friends,
- ...of my coworkers hadhave .
- ...my friends'( an apostrophe is not needed in the word "friends" this is a common mistake that writers do as they are confused and nit exposed to reading or writing such words )

- Today, IN ow, I do understand
- This revelation has motivated to meto strive hard,
- just like some of my Panera friends do .

There you have it, I hope the remarks I made helps. And yes, not everyone's life is as comfortable as many of us, some are deprive and some have a little bit of everything not to mention those who have too much of everything but believe me, no one can have everything. The sense of discontentment always bore the human brain and will continue to hunt for satisfaction in their lifetime.

Undergraduate / Why U Chicago - polymath education for an aspiring critic [6]

Hi, I would like to further the help you receive from other EF contributors, I hope this helps.

- In order to sculpt myself into theand be a critic...
- I know I have the potential to become, what I need, above all, isone and a..
- ...UChicago education is what would need .
- An education that lets 'knowledge grow from more to moresubstantial .'
- butand more importantly,
- I have boundlessthere is no boundaries for intellectual freedom...
- ...dimensions,- something the fundamentals to becoming a critic.

- More importantly,Furthermore UChicago
- is some where I belong.
- As a third culture kid,( I'm sorry but what do you mean by " a third culture kid" )

- It'sisalways hardgoing to take a while to elaborate to describe the best - minds of their generations of UC .
- YearsSooner or later, when people...

Well, becoming a critic is something very interesting, a challenging role that requires expertise in almost all aspects of life unless you have expertise which I believe yours fall in the English language or literature and this by the way needs to be established in your essay, because if I were to conduct an admissions process, I suppose you will have a major at least. Overall, it's well written, good enough for admission however for future reference, make sure that you use words that are conversational and not to make your readers guess what or where the essay is leading to.

The best of luck to you and do let us know how it goes!!!

Undergraduate / An activist of veganism - College Application Essay / Following The Prompt? [5]

- WithT hat being said,
- I have always wanted to develop a passion. (I say develop a passion because, passion is developed and not chosen like how you chose a course in college )

- I enviedenvy people who...

- ...that had ever happened to me!
- At thethat time,
- I didwas not...
- ...concernedmyself with the torture of animals.
- ...what the industry does to animals.for our food .

- But, once I wasHowever being vegan for...

Well, going vegan may be tough for some but it does have a lot of benefits. Way to go for you and the best of luck in this new found passion.

Now, your essay speaks highly of your passion which is very good, however, correct me if I'm wrong that the purpose of your essay is for a college application and this essay does not depict or justify it's purpose, I suggest writing much more about your academic background and add this story of you being vegan either to the body or incorporate it to the essay as much as you can without misleading it's purpose.

Scholarship / A Thousand Bus Stops - Scholarship Biographical Essay on factors which influenced my grow process [2]

- the most unsuspecting of places.
- After some time, my mom ran out of things to teach me, and told me about my mom ran out of things to teach me,(this is complete typo error, so be careful ) ..

- ...hardship and frugality have shaped..

- Even now,Now that I'm in high school,

Very compelling essay and a rewarding life, day in and day out.
I hope that my remarks help and with your endeavor in the future, I can only hope for the best. You did a good job in staying optimistic despite life's mischiefs and I know that it will not stop here so keep your grounds grounded and your hopes up higher than ever.

For future reference, I wish to see a lot more writing and play with words that can enhance your essay.

Undergraduate / 'hectic and busy life' - Challenges/Hardships That Affected You (Personal Statement!) [4]

- At the beginning
- theof summer before tenth grade,
- StartingIt started with a slight
- I knew I hadhave less..
- Because of thisWith my experience , as well as

- Freed from one burden,
- I see not the possibility of obstacle,don't see an obstacle but the future that I fought for.

There you have it, I prefer editing your essay right on then let you know what you missed. So, what I noticed is that your word structure is flowing not as strong as they should be, having said that, I suggest practice writing more and read a lot.

Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

Well Tika, I read through your essay and it felt so good to see that you were able to come up with a much better essay with the help of EF.

Overall, I believe, only the last two paragraphs need a little bit of enhancement, so here it is;

- Nonetheless, I comprehendedunderstand the situation..
- ...to empower me to flourishprosper .
- I was given anam blessed with the opportunity...
- I wasam determined...
- ...where I was freed meam free from any worries.
- ThereafterIn the long run everything seemed simple:.

- But if I havearmed with determination,...
- With theI draw inspirations from...
- fluctuatingchallenging situations in my life,
- I am committed on excelling to threeexceeding goals

There you have it, still a lot going on and it doesn't stop there. A day in our lives is a day of learning and exploration.

Way to go and the best of luck to you!!!

Undergraduate / Essay on my religion - my story. [6]

@asad, I think you were not able to grasp what is asked on this prompt.
To start with, the prompt is asking for an essay about your religion, however I'm not sure if this is the prompt or what you really want to write about. There's a very conflicting idea between what is asked for you to write about and what would you like to write about.

Now, to set things straight, you should write what is asked of you and having said that, let's say that the prompt is about religion, I have a few guidelines that may help;

- what is your origin
- what religion would you practice if you can choose
- what are your insights on the whole devotion aspect of religion
- would you be a devotee or somebody who prefer to keep your religion to yourself
- what would you impart to the religion that you choose
- to conclude, would you preach for the religion that you choose

As this is a very sensitive and considered taboo topic, I'd like to caution you to be very objective in your writing.
When you're done and good to go, post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Knowledge is useless if it is not shared with the world... [4]

- ...something as beautifulacademically important as Physics,..
- ...professor along the way ofwhile finishing...
- ...that because of my convictionwith my will and....
- efforts I am a really adequate student that wouldwill fit...
- ...a hardchallenging topic such as Physics,...

-...young scientists like myself right now .
- ...have one same constantin common ,
- which is that is they...
- ...obtain the best instructioneducation available,
- which took meand this lead me to apply at U.T. Austin.
- ...students. even though I am no longer a tutor,
- and that is why I appeal to you: to give meShould I be given the opportunity...

That's it, as you notice, I remained hands on and went straight to correcting your letter right up front, this is because I want you to see how much work is needed in your essay and what has to be done. This way you will be able to follow through and for your future writing reference too.

Moreover, I made the sentence not so centered at you, this is because you are pleading for the opportunity at the institution at the same time I made sure that the admissions officer will get to know your capabilities as a student and as a great addition to the institution.

Well, that's it for me, I wish you the best of luck and do let know how it goes.

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Well, @Firefly, I agree with @vaniespen, you did jump into a much complex part of your essay, the first sentence can be on the 3rd or 4th sentence of your essay, this is because you have to establish the purpose of the essay. I understand that the purpose is already written as the prompt of the essay but you still have to make it a point that your introduction is leading smoothly to the purpose of your essay. I say you start it with;

The field of data, information and software development never failed to spark an interest in me. My quest in gaining experience in the industry leads me to a much bigger and brighter future.

From here, you should be able to insert your first sentence and take it from there.

- Furthermore , it can..
- ...provide me with marketable...

There you have it, I hope it;s not too late for my help.

Undergraduate / Will admissions sneer at my essay? You decide! Applying UCF. [5]

Hi there, i'll be working on your revised essay. I hope it helps.

-...campus that UCF provides comes,...
- Luckily for UCF, they win at both...
- ...is right for me and it's apparent...
- ...that UCF brings what I needis needed to the table.
- At UCF, I feelbelieve I'll be...

- ...feeling over came upon me once...
- ...but none left the ima print that UCF did.

Well, there you have it. I just made a few remarks on making your essay so centered on your choice of university and what the university can offer, because you have to understand that the university is the one that's going to give you the opportunity of a good future and you owe it to them, should you be granted the admission.

Overall, this is definitely a much better essay than the original one, having said that, I wish you the best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Students from countryside - Scholarship essay help check my grammar [4]

Jackie, running through your essay, it does need a lot of grammar fixes, so let me help you out.

- It helps meonmy way finding a chance to change my future.
- ...scholarship to g o abroad.
- But UWC made..

- As an ambitious girl,
- Istill hold on to my dreams., I cry at...
- ...how to do,and when and ifi don't know if
- Im obsess bywith my goals.

- I always crave for athe chance to...
- ...a unique and challenging schools .
- I also have a special love withfor cultures and..
- ...countries inall over the world.
-...house and wandering on the streets to meet,..
- Im happy when i tell them about our cultures and help them.

- However i don't have much money to have such many trips. My family finance isnt allow me to do that. That's why i have to try a lot to reach that goal(this sentence is not necessary and will not help in your application, don't worry, the institution you're applying for certainly know you financial status )

- Therefore, if i were receivedgiven the chance this scholarship,
- i would have chancethe opportunity to explore the world,
- ...community with my love for culture love ,
- connect to people,
- cultures and contries, heal the world and make it a better place.and learn as much as I can
- I want to sent my thankful to all people who organize and work for this scholarship . thank you for reading my sharing!I do appreciate your time in going through my application and I hope to be able to contribute to your stemmed institution.

There you have it, quiet lengthy. I just hope that you practice writing more and read a lot to enhance your vocabulary. Also, keep in mind that when you're writing the word or letter "I" make sure that you do capitalize it.

Best of luck to you.