Undergraduate / Why GIT short response max 150 words - Georgia Tech is the perfect school for me. [4]

- subjects that have interestedhas intrigued ( I guess this words are better fit )
- Therefore, I would like to take advantage
- putdedicate all my efforts into these clubs,
- while infusing my own. Thereforethus ( you used the word "therefore" already so it's good to play a different word into the sentence ) , Georgia Tech is the perfect school for me.

I believe 150 words is quiet short to express your reason in choosing such prestigious university, however, we have to work with the instructions and I must say, you have well constructed essay and very well done.

I only have a few remarks, most of them is just for you to play with words and not to use the same words all the time. I suggest that you read more to enhance your vocabulary and practice writing whenever you can.

Essays / How do I improve this sentence? - For a report on how the tourism industry is defined in Japan. [4]

@lim, this is very interesting topic. The tourism in Japan has been booming lately, a lot of travelers are drawn to it's beauty as well as intrigued with it's mysterious history. Now on this essay, you should be able to come up with a well - written essay by following the guidelines below;

- introduction should showcase a little bit of Japanese history and how tourism existed
- how does tourism help in the Japanese economy
- what is the impact of tourism to the Japanese community
- what are the pros of tourism
- what the cons of tourism
- what is the biggest hurdle that Japan is facing when it comes to welcoming visitors in Japan
- what is the effect of tourism to the overall welfare of the Japanese community

To conclude, how did tourism redefine Japan as a tourist destination rather than a mysterious country of Science and Technology.

I hope to see your essay very soon, post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Writing Feedback / The main reasons and several ways to tackle the inequality between developed and developing country [2]

- In recent years, most of the people focus are on issues
- related to the widea huge gap
- There are many notions that have been
- problem. B,b ut it still seems
- to be a hardnessissue to tackle.

- Nobody can doubt that in the quality of education
- quality of inhabitants
- rural areas are usually
- haveat a lower level rather than

- should be improved due to it is the mainas this can cause
- many people becometo experience unemployment
- suchand developing school facilities will definitely alleviate this situation .
- in my viewIn my opinion , the richmuch productive country
- isadvisableadvised to help the developing country
- withby supporting prosperity
- and investing money.

- To conclude, there are some reasons why dissimilaritywhy inequality arose between
- ...days among themthat are
- However, the collaboration with otherof both sides
- and involving developed country is needed to deal with this case.

Well, as you can see there's still a lot of remarks to be done in your essay. The grammar definitely needs to be polished and the logical order of your sentences are also a little bit challenging.

Anyhow, I made a few enhancements, I hope you follow through and the best of luck to you.

Scholarship / Chevening - STUDYING IN THE UK QUESTION; three courses - relation to the previous experience, future [5]

- I do not want to be just a part of a savvy
- ...intrigued me to think;, what
- ..want to take a part and be involve

- media that has been digitalizingdigitalized .

- games nowadays are considerably
- changing the way children play;, compared
- less popular recently than 10 years ago ,
- parents when they're trying to entertain children.

- get to know on how people behavinge

- digital media that focusingwhich is focused on how people interact,
- get insight for the role of digital
- they will bring me to understanding on how..

Indeed, social media transformed today's generation. However, it's still good to know that these technological breakthroughs are honed due to the need and advancement for greater welfare.

Graduate / Effective points for studying Petroleum Engineering as a EEE engineer [12]

- ...the most prospectiveprogressive one.
- So I am passionately looking
- I thinkbelieve this masters program
- will broaden my technical skills and expertise in the area

- ...that exploreformulate economical ways of exploring for oil and gas.
- In aA ll these years,
- ...through the recent few decades,

- Presently, I am currently working in

- I am aware that studying towards a MS in Petroleum
- the qualities which I believe I possess.
- I have excellent communication skills in English
- eligibility byin working with the professionals,
- and thus enhance my professional skills.
- In a word, I do believe, I am a competent candidate for the MS program.

Well, I hope this few enhancements of your essay, helps.
I don't know much about petroleum engineering, I just know that the demand for a variety of resources for oil and gas is absolutely sky rocketed over the past few years and having someone like you who's eager to further their study in such a complicated and rewarding field is very good to know.

I wish you the best of luck, do let us know how it goes, we would love to hear from you.

Undergraduate / While seemingly simple, questions of ethics, honesty and integrity are sometimes puzzling. Caltech 2 [3]

- ButHowever, he was adamant
- and warned that if not complied toI don't comply ,

- Initially I thought of the following
- my ideals. But, but the exam
- registration deadlines were nearingis near
- it left a huge mark on my belief system .
- The wrong decision I did cannot be undone in this case.
- What I can do is enlargeto strengthen my circle of influence,
- so that one day my voice is heard and I can instill values
- of integrity and ethics in the generations to come.

There you have it, a few modifications from my side, I do hope it helps in enhancing your essay. I believe the example you gave on this essay is beyond your control, things like this, you can only hope and pray that it will come to their senses one day that what they're doing is wrong and believe me, people who practice such corruption, never go far.

Undergraduate / I wasn't entirely sure about what type of engineer I want to be - Statment two for UW-Madison [4]

@jm, I will wrk on the second paragraph of your essay, first glance of your essay, I must say it's quite short and a few flaws at the beginning of the essay.

Anyway, let's go ahead and make additional enhancement of your essay.

- WithT he University of Wisconsin-Madison
- beingis the only..
- and with my strong Wisconsin roots
- this seemed to be the most logical choice for myself.
-...great sense of pride in whatever it doeseverything they do .
- ...job are among the things I plan on
- opportunities that are beneficially

So we're just done, and my verdict, it's not as strong as an application statement can be. First of all, you have to convince the admissions officer to grant you admission and this means you have to elaborately write your academic background and how this lead you to choosing such a university, next, you have to make sure that you are sure of what you want within the institutions curriculum in order not to waste anybody's time then you can incorporate your essay on talking about your Wisconsin roots and the rest of the essay. However, I know that with the help of EF contributors you will be able to come up with a much stronger admission statement.

Undergraduate / My performance in the Talent Show and further competitions - meaningful talent essay [11]

@davidy, I'm glad I was able to help, and it's absolutely fine to keep the word "improvisation" through out your essay, remember that this is just a suggestion and it's still your final revision that will matter in the end.

Now, when it comes to the confusion on the punctuation marks, this does not affect the grammar of your sentences because punctuations marks are use to stress and to give life to your sentences, notice that when the exclamation point is used, the one who reads the sentences feel a happy mood or a spark of joyful feeling, this is the purpose of this little addition to your sentences and believe me, they help a lot, specially in sending the right message across to your readers.

There you have it, you still have your final revision to do, I leave you to do that for now and I hope to read the final one of your essay.

Best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / How glasses have shaped my world - UC Prompt 1 [4]

- I am convinced it had begun in the

- Coping with a visual
- I want to do in life;, I yearn to fuel...
- For thatthis reason,
-...community that gave tosupported me.
- It is beyond me how a society could bring shame upon a group of people for something they have absolutely no control over.( I'm just not sure what you mean by this sentence, I believe this needs revision, however, I can't do so as I can't get the message you were trying to tell )

- And I want to see their reactions...

As much as I want to see your essay as a motivation or a driver to those people that are considered minority, I feel like you want to prove something and this is fueled by your desire to seek revenge for those people who look down or who treat you as one of the general public. Well, as much as this is a craving for success, I'd like to see you motivating yourself for that genuine desire to help and educate others, for greater good and greater welfare of the community you belong, more so to send a very strong message that, man are created equal. Equal in everything, no more, no less.

I wish you the best of luck and let us know the outcome of your application, we'd love to hear from you.

Scholarship / My former supervisor at Tanzania Cigarette Company had the best leadership and influencing skills [12]

- When speaking ofTalking about leadership and influencing skills,
- there is only one person comes into myto mind,
- He has been very instrumental in equipping me withhoning my leadership skills
- training them and get them to be good leaders too.
- Therefore, through him,Backed with his influence I am proud to call myself an upcoming young leader.

- By usingIn practicing leadership and influencing skills I have acquired,
- I was able to learn quickly planning instructions quickly
- Being a team leader...

- ...employed immediately after graduatinggraduation .

- With all theseArmed with my leadership...

I hope that you get granted with this scholarship as you are not selfish and you have the passion to share your knowledge to others. Having said that, I hope the little help I made, enhance the essay further.

Undergraduate / My performance in the Talent Show and further competitions - meaningful talent essay [11]

@davidy, there's another student who is dong the same prompt, she goes with @PokeMonica or something like this and she got a lot of response on how to enhance the essay. I know you did too but I think it will help if you have another essay to get some ideas from or comparison at least. Now, let's see if you want to include the sentence to your essay, let's have a look at the outcome.

- This is a world filled with unpredictability, but I am glad that my impromptu talent improvisation makes myself ready all the time.
( this is what I think for the first sentence that you want to add a s a header for your essay, let me know what you think )

- Everything was going just fine;, every note flew out from my saxophone,
- ...at least improvising is better than to stopping the performance unnaturally.
- The judges' comment was...
- They were feeling all kinds of pressure;, two...

Well, there you have it. a few corrections and just a reminder for future writing pieces, use a comma instead of a semi colon in breaking your sentences. Though semi colon help in separating specific elements of your essay, a comma is what you need to stress out words and phrases in your sentences.

Undergraduate / There are a million and one different things to consider when choosing what college to attend. [3]

- Growing upTaking care of animals has..
- ...always been my passion;
- ever since I wasas a little girl...
- ...Tech and it has been implanted...
-My teacher's pastprevious students...
- Hearing about the fun labslaboratory activities they got...
- I fell more in love with the...
- University more and more .
- The town of Blacksburg, Virginia is a beautiful oneplace and. Bb eing able
- The campus at all times of the year is breathtaking. Withand with it being....

I believe your genuine reasons to be part of UV Tech is good enough to grant you the admission, you wrote the response to the prompt to the best of your knowledge which is very well done. It's just a pity that you have word restrictions because of course, this restricted you to write an even more elaborated essay, anyhow, after the corrections, your essay should be good to go. Best of luck to you.

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch School of the Arts - Review "How We Define Creative Entrepreneur" [4]

- Being an artist nowadays require beingsomeone to be intricate...
- ...and multi-layeredmult- dimensional .
- At this point in time , we can...
- Today artists today take more responsibilities by creating their own labels,
- CulturalMusic giants like Kanye West..
- I am convinced that being a multi-layeredtalented artist...

Well, as a creative person, you definitely should have a lot of creative juices in order to take on the higher stakes of this very challenging industry, not only will you have long nights of squeezing your brains out for could- be, would-be ideas, you also need to make sure that you stand out, you are second to none and of course make sure that you keep your ideas safe and protected from plagiarism.

I hope my remarks help in enhancing your essay.

Graduate / Essay for Master in Management Study Northwestern University---Contemporary Managerial Issue [5]

- ButHowever from the employees'( no need for the apostrophe on the word "employees" ) point of view,
- their choices are between to jumping ship
- and stayingor to stay .
- ...the proper use of statistical data which...

Well there's not much to work on as you have written the essay quiet good. I know you can write more however this should be able to suffice what is asked of the prompt. Employee retention can be a very stressful thing to do, the company do so much to please it's employees and keep the information from going beyond it's boarders but then again it's up to them to choose what they want and when they want. The only thing that a company can do is to be consistent, lawful and of course put a little heart in everything they do.

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavor, do let us know what happens.

Undergraduate / A Reflection Across History [5]

1st paragraph
- Not all people will share your perspective on issues;,
- Naturally, this attitude set me at odds withfrom my peers,
- The visit to the museum fostered in me a hunger in me

Last paragraph
- I stepped out onto the sidewalk;, the clamor

This is very minor remarks I made on your essay, I must say that the only thing that you have to consider is your punctuation marks, a comma can suffice the break that will put a stress on the phrases. A few grammar remarks but overall, everything should be fine and it's a well - written essay.

The reflection you had is absolutely helpful as you face life as a whole person, redefined by the realization you have with life.

Scholarship / Study plan for a BSc course KGSP-2016. I want to be a entrepreneur. [3]

@alif, I'd like to help out and work on the first part of your essay.

A.
- In the case ofWith regard to my proficiency in English,
- I have been learningstudying it...
- from my kindergarten school as my second language.
- ...known to me as like as English.
- If I getShould I be granted the scholarship,

- After arrivingAs soon as I arrive in Korea...
- ...to enhance my reading skills .
- So thatIn order for my upcoming bachelor's degree...
- ...course will seemcan be easier tofor me.
- ...will practice the Korean language more and more
- ...so that I will be proficient as like as a native of Korean .

There you go, I hope you follow through with the corrections for the rest of the essay and the best of luck.

Undergraduate / A new perspective: Priveleged vs. Unprivileged...PENN STATE Personal Statement [4]

- ...the United States all of my life.
- ...my parents never let me forget thefail to remind me of my roots.
- where I originally came from.( this is not necessary as it is obviously stated in the previous phrase )
- loud auto car noises,...
- it also has many components that could improve mainly orphans. ( I'm not sure what you mean by this phrase, please elaborate )
- AfterAs soon as we arrived,
- ...many orphans there are there in India...
- I appreciated the things I am able to have like my family and my education.
- For the next week, me and my cousins and I collected
- this one week of providing service to few of the many
- orphans and it made me feel accomplished as a human being.

There you have it, just a few remarks from my side. The only thing that I can say, which is a common mistake for us whose speaking English as a second language is that we seem to do direct translation when it comes to writing and even when we talk. This is fine and what we can do to overcome this is to practice, speaking the language more and write whenever we can.

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship Follow- Up Project Essay. Just answered ques.; needs more depth and gram. check [3]

Hi @taryn, I'd like to work on the needed work on your essay.

1. Briefly outline your proposed project to promote the Gilman Scholarship and international education. How will this project impact your home university or home community? What are your project goals?

- I would create an illustrated journalMy proposed project to promote the Gilman Scholarship...
- and international education. will be to create an illustrated journal.
- The journey would be filled with drawingsillustrations of my...
- ...International Program Center onat UNCG...
- ...campus as a way to promote studying in Hong Kong or an other available region.
- Art is an easyeffective way to catch people's attention,
- so the goal will beis for students..

2. What is your target population and how will your project impact this group?

- Young people will focus more on pictures
- or creative drawingsillustration than reading.
- The IPC scheduled classroom presentations...
- ..focus and not to drift away...
- ...student onin the campus;, however
- I will want this project to be presented
- to more of the freshmen class.
- SinceAs they are younger,
- I feelbelieve that they will beare more..
- ...plan to studyin studying overseas inin preparation for their future academic career.

There you have it, quiet a lot of remarks and I hope they help. I must say that the struggle I faced with your essay is the form of verbs that you used, you tend to be futuristic that you forgot this essay is written to depict your goals for the future so the verbs to use should be in present form.

Undergraduate / What would you fight for? & Describe yourself, Honors Program Application [6]

1. My mom believes in Voltaire's "Life depends on motions" so that she laughs at my motto that "Life depends on staying motionless" (very humorous)

2. I have been learningstudying the Chinese bamboo flute for over 8 years
- and therefore beI am fond of pop music that containsincorporates the traditional part of Chinese instruments.

3. Despite my love for watching basketball games, I still prefer DOTA2 sinceas it requires no outdoor preparation and prevents potential harm but can still train my reflexes and cultivate the team spirit.

4. Though I'm always considered as a nerd,
- I learnstudy for the sake of learning, reading (mostly historic and scientific fictions) for pleasure,
- and write (short stories in random topics) for gettingin order to getthe constant flow of imagination out of my chest.

5. I studied Cantonese on my..

I still have to determine the relationship of the questions to your prompt and reading through, I must say that some of the sentences needs more improvement and I did the best I can to improve your essay, I hope it helps.

Graduate / Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. [14]

@Iro, I read your response to the EF contributor and she's write, it's very essential that you remain on the topic and writing objectively when it comes to a more sensitive piece of writing. Before I begin to dice up your essay, I'd like to wish you the best of luck in this endeavor and I hope my little help, makes a difference.

2nd paragraph

- ...and the support displayed
-...regardingtowards the student's grade.
- ...mother revealed to me that both...
- I assured her that we wouldwill work...
- ...matters is not to never give up.
- During tutortutorial sessions,
- I wasam overjoyed withby the student's
- I gotget to experience...
- that and watch seniors depart tofor their dream universities.

I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Graduate / This is my SOP for Polymer Science course. Do reply with your inputs. College applications time! [3]

@gaya, I'll be working on the first three paragraphs of your essay, I will get back to you on the other part of it.

1st paragraph
- I believe in and have often..
- Polymer Science is a truly a broad...
- multidisciplinary( you have used this word at the beginning of the essay, try to find a different word perhaps)

2nd paragraph
- ...that one class of the materials..

3rd paragraph
- I am especially curious about the structurestructural property

You have a very elaborately detailed essay and constructed in a very logical order. As you can see I only made a few remarks as your essay is written quiet well.

There are, of course, very little corrections that can help enhance your essay.
For now, this is what I can share and I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Intellectual vitality Essay for Stanford -- sisters v. pilgrimage (250 words) [5]

- Not only did this experience reveal, within me, resilient curiosity within me but also courage.
- Being that I am inherently shy,
- ...and studylearning skills: myand yes I do have the potential to apply them.

Intellectual vitality essay, sounds very strong and the purpose of the essay is very significant. It entails a profound proof of your intellect, academic background and achievements and while it was a fun and entertaining essay, your writing piece also depicts your intellectual capacity however, I know that you cam write more and better piece of essay. The strength of your essay lies on the fact that you are able to write an intriguing yet entertaining piece with the collaboration of life experiences.

Now, I made some corrections as you can see above, I hope they help, the issue that I see in your writing is the lack of linking words that enhances an essay or perhaps this may not be needed but just for future reference, be sure to add adjectives and play more with words.

Undergraduate / It all started with a workbook my mom ordered for me - My interest in Japanese language and culture [5]

@amyo, I will be very straight forward in making my suggestions for your essay, this way you will see the remarks pretty easy and you can follow through easily.

-...Japanese, and she bought me
- a self-teachingstudy workbook so I could do just that.
- ...when I gotget home from school,
- I'd work through a page or two of the book and felt amazedamazing

- Not long thereafter duringon my..
- I was notified bythrough a letter
- ....Virginia's Japanese Governors' School of Language Academy.
- HeretoforeHowever , I was alone...

- The 2014 Governor's Japanese Academy did not disappoint me and I met amazing people.

@amyo you'll be glad to know that there is also a student here in EF who is interested on Japanese education, I just can't remember what the name of the student is but just like you this student is also aiming for the UV to take on a Japanese education, you guys share the same interest so I guess you will get along very well. When I com across the students name, I will send you a message so you can start a, hopefully, lifelong friendship.

Undergraduate / "Shall we Dance" - a Japanese movie. UVA College of Arts and Sciences Essay [6]

- and study Japanese.( on this part of the essay, what do you mean by "Japanese" is it the culture, the language or the literature, please be more specific )

- ...dull life of a Japanese...
- ..dancing changeschanged his life for the better.

Well it seems that you are rather interested and intrigued with the Japanese culture, history, lifestyle and the overall Japanese association instead of being passionate about it. Now, what you have written may not be the best essay for an admissions application,however, you'll definitely be able to come up with a good essay, may be a few more paragraphs, a couple more and you should be good to go. The overall focus of this essay that you wrote is the movie and though it is helpful in developing your love for the Japanese culture, it should not be the center of your essay. Remember that the goal is for you to get admission to the UV.

I hope the remarks I made help a little bit, I hope to see you re- written essay here on EF, Best of luck to you.

Undergraduate / Growing up in Poland and then after 17 years applying to the US colleges - Tufts Supplement Essay #2 [4]

- ...most influential factor onin the person I am today.
- ...was at my grandparents'( an apostrophe is not necessary for the word "grandparents", this is a common mistake of writers as they caution themselves for just in case situations when it comes to proper input of punctuation marks, this is very minor remark but it will make a difference if you don't have it at all )

- house or going to church with the whole family.
- My tight knit familyrelationship taught me the..
- ...importance of being close to my family throughout life.

-...advice they have said toimpart on me.
- As I transitioned into the life of an "American",
- I had to put in into learning English...
- or don't give it anything at all.

There you have it, a few enhancements from my side, I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / Villanova Supplement Writing - My Grandmother and Genuineness [5]

Hi @Csar, I hope my suggestions is not too late.
Kindly find them below.

- ...Sweet and generous woman
- but hadshe has blistering steel
- ...coating in her words.
- I can admit,
- now , that these...
- ..it was t he stream...
- ...pushed to the limits...
- ...quickly leftgot me worn out.
- I'm only a human, with limitations.

- I've begun to...
- I want athe compliment?
- I can achieve...
- ..."Yes, Nana" will beis completely genuine.

That's very noble of you to take care of our elderly, however, make sure that you take care of yourself too.
I hope my little help makes a mark on your essay.

Undergraduate / Dropping grades and then recovery - to overcome my procrastination and the lazy lifestyle [4]

Well Michael, initially running through your essay, I kind of grasping for air, as your sentences lacks a few commas here and there and this is not helping your readers understand the essay and message you are trying to send. Now let's slice up your essay and see if we can enhance it further.

- Around seventh grade, my grades began to drop, and I noticed myself...
- ...my attendance ofat a local private ...
- ...summer wasn'tdidn't really..
- ...helping me achieve...
- ...decided enough wasis enough.

- ...to what I would be learning thatthis upcoming year,
- ...and willpower I overcameovercome ( though the action has been done in the past, it still takes the present form of the verb)
- this obstacle stronger than I was before,
- improving myself in different ways a long the way.
- If I didn't push through and worked towards my ambition,

There you have it, I made the corrections as straightforward as possible as this will show you the difference between your original essay to that of the modified one and this will help you follow through for your future writing pieces.

Undergraduate / Mom motivates to succeed in life [4]

@rmaxena, at first I was not sure what you're aim in writing this quiet short essay and I believe you can definitely write more.

Having read your essay, it suggest that your mother had a pretty tough decision to make and the decision she made is absolutely the best decision she ever did. Now, there's no point of elaborating that part of your life as it is stated obviously in the sentence you have, her motivation throughout your life will be emphasize when you get into something that you will be very successful for and be known for.

Now, maybe an addition of couple more paragraphs should be able to lift your essay and will define it's purpose.
Oh and I made a few corrections on the sentences that you already have;

- Faced with many obstacles in my life I never...
- She works hard to make sure I'm well takingtaken
-...cared of so...
- ...I have to do the same to repay her.

I look forward to reading your full written essay here on EF, best of luck!!!

Essays / Single elderly people should be taken care of. Give a comment about this issue. [6]

- ...by a new technology...
- ...that analyses household sounds to ensure their safety.

- From breathing and, coughing...
- ...heat and humidity levels can also be detected by this machine that will ensure the safety of the user and the people in the household.

More so, the alarm is sent to the authorities that will respond at any given time to aid the elderly. This development in technology is absolutely beneficial and will give piece of mind to our elderly .

There you have it, I did a few remarks and a couple of sentences added to your essay, I hope you're not restricted with the number of words you can write so you can include my additions.

I believe you did cover what is asked in the prompt and taking care of our elderly is a noble thing to do.

Undergraduate / Right now, what is uniquely you?--Absence and knowledge--my story [8]

@McClunge, I hope it's not too late for me to give my advice in your situation more so to your essay.

Your essay is good enough in answering the prompt however I believe it lacks little pieces of information about your academic status, having said that, the essay is not aimed at your academic status rather to the personal side of you. I love the fact that you are able to elaborately write about your life and the challenges that came with it. Sometimes it's hard to write about our situation especially when somebody has to read it and definitely will give a feed back about it, as much as we want, we want to be objective with our writing but of course adding a little bit of personal touch wont hurt.

On a much personal side, don't be afraid to challenge your future, there is no such things when it comes to what you can do in designing your own life.

I encourage you to be more bold, be aggressive in dealing with your approach for the future. Remember, You Only Live Once, so make the most out of it, I know this is a cliche but believe me it definitely works! Live your life the way you want it, the way you need it and the way you find happiness the most, because the next thing you know, life is over and you can never go back.

I wish that you practice writing more, it doesn't need to be an essay or a long piece of writing but writing more often, definitely helps.

Graduate / MBA Application essay explaining low GPA [5]

- ..when the going gets tough.
- quitting to quit is very easy.
- I wanted to give it up and go back home.
- ...away from your home and
- ButHowever, the college carried...
- ...in my life,whichthat no course work could teach me.

So you asked if this part of your application essay is convincing, I say yes, given the conditions that you have elaborated in the essay.

It is really a challenge when you're new to town and you try to blend in. It takes a lot of effort, time and long nights to think about how you're going to interact with the people around you. However, days and nights will pass and when you do good and hope for the best of everyone, everything will fall into place.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope my remarks help.

Scholarship / Executive and co-founder of the Information and Communication Technology Students Association [6]

@Nana, I read your essay and I feel bad that there is a word count restriction as this will limit you in writing a far greater essay than you already have.

However, let's dice up your essay and hopefully we can enhance it without going far from the limited number of words.

- Playing a leadership role in leadership ,
- I wasam an executive...
- ..our drive wasis to support,
- ...students towards attaining...
- Being one of the officials...
- I was always chosen to tutored students.
-...we have tutored and supported students...

There you go, I hope this helps!!!

Graduate / Advanced Computer Architecture / Electronic Devices - Review SOP for MS in VLSI [5]

2nd paragraph:
- ...have helped me ato build...

4th paragraph:
-These ,I feelbelieve ,
- ...and appreciate the hard work that goes inwith it.

5th paragraph:
- ...in school and college.

Conclusion:
- ...that is required whilein pursuing...

That's about it and don't hesitate to elaborate your work experience, it may not be related to what course you'd like to take or the course you graduated from but it definitely matter when it comes to your application. Remember, your current work situation is a great addition to your application, however not related, it may be a builder towards greater achievement in your future career and it will definitely increase your chances in this application.

Undergraduate / Busy and the most sensitive summer 15 when something had been changed - Personal Essay [9]

- ...deprived areas of the province for the sake of being among the children of there; showing a movie,to show a film to the children

- and givinggive them some...
- I really was really interested..
- ...conditions of deprivedthese areas;,
- I'm intrigued of how people live there,
- ...session somea few days before the trip.
-...and the audiences are mostly children mostly ,

- We started our trip at the four o'clock of Tuesday,
- ...serve the breakfast amongfor the children,
- One of the most interesting parts of the trip..
- tofor me was the period we were attaking the
-...the route of thereitself .
- Almost all of the route, I was listening to Yann Tiersen pieces during the whole trip .
- ..of the southern Iran,
- and the early morning's air and light was truly was awesome and unique.
- different,( there is no need to add a comma when it is followed by the word "and" )
- and their values wereon different things.

Well, as you can see @alim, there's a lot of room for improvement, I chose to be hands on and do the necessary correction sentence by sentence, this way you will be able to see the difference in the sentences after the corrections are made. The condition that you are writing this essay is based on a direct translation with what is going on in your mind which is affected by your mother language, I know, because sometimes I do the same, however if you practice the language and writing it as well, you will definitely make it perfect.

Scholarship / How I managed to understand this phrase: "Practice makes perfection" - 'challenge' scholarship essay [4]

- From tendera very young age,
- ..skills in ICT. ( it will help if you can elaborate what "ICT" means and why you chose this course)

- I carefully studied what he always does...
-I certainly did not understood...
- ...what "Practice makes perfection "
- means until I started to do a self-study...

Well, that's about it. My remarks are quiet few and minor but I hope they help enhance your essay and just like your attitude towards ICT, I hope you do the same with your writing skills, practice makes perfect, this is absolutely true.

Now, I highlighted on elaborating ICT and what it means because most of your readers especially here in EF will only have a general idea on what ICT means and elaborating it will truly help in gaining an understanding on your essay and what your trying to come up with.

Undergraduate / SOCIAL MEDIA - Blessing & Curse; Undergraduate Essay-Challenging a Belief or Idea [3]

- ...and thus it s far more difficult to avoid.
- InT his way,
- On onethe other hand,
- ...vulnerable than mostanyone .
- We innately crave others'for other peoples ( for future reference on the word "others", there is no need to add an apostrophe) approval,

- whether I alwaysregardless if truly agree...

Well, the ending is not that much to be hateful about, however, I feel like it's not as a compelling ending as you want to put it especially that you are writing an essay for your undergraduate course. More so, I'm not convinced that you have justified what is asked if the prompt.

The story in the last paragraph which is your ending should be the 3rd paragraph from the body and you have to come up with a well grounded conclusion.

Maybe something like this;

Overall, belief is challenged more times than you can imagine, what you can do is stay grounded at all times and weigh the pros and cons before challenging this belief. Moving forward, I believe that I can be able to establish my own set of beliefs and practice them religiously, for now, I think before I click on my social media participation and when my day is not going what I hope it will be, I turn to social media to pump me up.

Something like this on the ending of your essay. I hope this helps.

Scholarship / How did you become interested in your area of academic focus? What influenced your choice of this ma [3]

- ..a love offor teaching...
- ...they changed( "change" should remain in the present tense as you are writing an ongoing action )

- ..I knew teaching is really( I suggest deleting the word "really" because it makes your essay indecisive and this does not help your essay at all ) my dream job.

- I started out likingfocusing on math because...
- ..I was good at it; , it felt rewarding...
- Then as I started to take hardermore challenging math..
- classes, and the concepts...
- didn't always come as easilyeasy
- buthowever it was okay because I enjoy a good problemabsolutely rewarding and I enjoy every moment of it .

This is the help I'd like to give. I hope it enhances your essay. There's a lot of follow through, I know that English is not your strongest point but don't worry it's not your weakest either. However, there's still a lot of room for improvement and practice makes a lot of difference in your writing skills.

Undergraduate / Unforgettable quotes from the literature - Amherst essay [3]

Well, @schang, I believe you delivered what is asked of the prompt.
The points are met to be able to justify what was needed, I love the fact that you were able to blend your personal insights and experience to the essay and in doing so, you were still able to be objective to your essay.

What I did not appreciate as much is the fact that there is a word restriction or that you were restricted to have the maximum number of words that you can write.

It's a very good topic and you can definitely write some more. Literature is a broad topic, a lot of complex ideas can be rolled into a great piece of writing, however, it takes a lot of writing skills.

Nevertheless, you still have a long way to go, practice writing more, hone your talent everyday and be sure to refresh your language rules as it may hit you hard in your writing if you get left out or you make a mistake without the intention of doing so.

Undergraduate / Non-Academics That I Have Learned Through Academics University of Texas at Austin App Essay [4]

@Mack, running through your essay, I believe there are a lot of improvement to be done.
So here's my help for the first two paragraphs and I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

- If I did not have this competitivenesscompetition
- I do notdon't think...
- ...excelled so much in academics and extracurriculars.
- This competition has been my motivemotivation

- I am grateful that I overachievedhave strived and achieved enough in order to have a solid foundation as...
- ThisMy competitivenessnature will allow me to do my best
- My motiveinspiration has helped
- ...to get into a wonderful schoolrenowned institution and begin..

There you have it @Mack, I hope this helps.
I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Important life lessons from Panera Bread [3]

- ...to very many othera lot of people...
- aside fromother than my family and friends,
- ...of my coworkers hadhave .
- ...my friends'( an apostrophe is not needed in the word "friends" this is a common mistake that writers do as they are confused and nit exposed to reading or writing such words )

- Today, IN ow, I do understand
- This revelation has motivated to meto strive hard,
- just like some of my Panera friends do .

There you have it, I hope the remarks I made helps. And yes, not everyone's life is as comfortable as many of us, some are deprive and some have a little bit of everything not to mention those who have too much of everything but believe me, no one can have everything. The sense of discontentment always bore the human brain and will continue to hunt for satisfaction in their lifetime.