Writing Feedback / Rich countries should give the poorer other types of help instead of a money. How do you see that? [7]

Hi Diep,

I must commend you on your expertise in the use of the English language. The proficiency that you display and the formation of your paragraphs show that you have spent time learning the rudimentary English grammar rules and how to apply it to your essay. While this would easily rate a 6.5 or a 7, I believe that the essay could be further improved by concentrating on a very important factor of your essay. The experience of Vietnam with regards to the use of foreign aid is a topic that should have been the central focus of the essay.

Why do I say that? Simply put, the strongest essay discussion or evidence is always the one based upon the personal experience of the writer. In this instance, your country, being a recipient of foreign aid would have been the best evidence to use for your agreement with the statement provided. By expanding upon the experience of your country and the shortcomings of the foreign aid financial programs, you would have provided the strongest possible argument in support of the need to receive alternative help from rich countries.

Alongside this discussion, you could have also given some specific examples of alternative help that your country could have benefited from instead of the generic mention of types of alternative help that could be extended to the country. These examples would have tied in directly with the example of the way financial help does not work well for your country and how the alternative help could truly be the lifeline that the impoverished people of Vietnam need to get a step up in life.

Overall, this is a very strong and solid essay that already works in this form. The suggestions I made are only meant to help you tighten and focus the content of your essay on a strong central theme for discussion within 40 minutes.

Undergraduate / Time is my biggest fear. It goes but never comes. It flies but never slows SCAD Statement of Purpose [2]

Your story is quite touching Davies. It is enough to tug on the heart strings of the admissions officers reviewing your application. However, it is not the correct information that should be contained in your statement of purpose. What you wrote fits more in a common prompt essay. A statement of purpose needs only provide 4 pieces of basic information since you are applying for masters degree studies. Revise the essay to present the following:

1. Your reason or purpose for wishing to attend higher academic learning after college.
2. The number of years that you have worked in a relevant field which will prove the necessity of advanced studies on your part
3. A summary of your college education accompanied by relevant training and seminars that relate to your interest in the field.
4. Your long and short term goals and a discussion about how the university can help you attain this through a masters education.

Like I said, your current essay is more of a personal essay than a statement of purpose so you need to correct the slant of the essay to become relevant to the prompt. My checklist will help you do that.

Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

Ahmad, no, I did not fail to take Steve Jobs and Bill Gates into consideration when I wrote my response to you. However, I felt that they are not proper examples of young successful leaders because they both has something in common. They were both ousted from their respective companies due to their lack of management abilities. Steve Jobs, as we know, was famously ousted from Apple by the board because he lacked "people skills" which are necessary to properly motivate your staff and oversee a successful company. Bill Gates on the other hand, chose to "resign" rather than be asked to leave. After all, he still owned the company. Both of these men are examples how young leaders lack the ability to control, direct, and properly manage their companies due to their lack of experience and in effect, their young ages. That is just my opinion though. I am sure others will have a different take on the matter.

Speeches / Pushing to the limits, have fun; exciting and challenging place. Adventure to Mount Everest (speech) [2]

I believe that your speech will be further improved if you can create a sense of personal connection between the adventure that you want to undertake and why. Are you challenging yourself to accomplish this task? Why is this adventure very important to you? What do you hope to accomplish at the end of it ? Consider that Mt. Everest is not considered mostly a tourist climbing destination instead of what it used to be, an insurmountable obstacle that brought a sense of pride and honor to those who conquered it. How does this history of the mountain reflect the kind of adventure you might have? Remember, people sometimes die during this trek. So address the possible problems and pitfalls that are included in this adventure as well. Those are some topics that you can include in this discussion :-)

Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

I would like you to reconsider your argument. While the young people do have the brash ambitiousness to propel their ideas forward, they do not have the proper life experience with which to make it a reality. This is evidenced by the failed movement on Hong Kong by the students. They did not gain the attention of the proper authorities, nor the chance to air their case properly because their young leaders did not have the life experience with which to deal with the political environment. What the youth lack is something most important in leadership which the elders possess, a sense of diplomacy, an understanding of social, political, and world relations, and the ability to understand that sometimes, meeting halfway is what is best for all concerned. Don't give me that line about the world being over taken by young people because of Mark Zuckerberg etc. That is a dream world. Look at the world leaders, do you see anyone at the age of 20 and above but below 40 leading a world economy? Are there true leaders in that field who can bring world peace, a stable economy, and true leadership to his people? Nope. That is because life experience, academic and social learning, are lessons that are learned and experience as a person ages. That is what makes him an effective leader and gives him the ability to succeed where the young leaders may fail.

Scholarship / Good academic record, service work makes me an ideal candidate to be considered for a scholarschip [5]

Your CV is the intricate form of information that you should be providing to the scholarship committee. The compressed form will remind them to pay attention to the highlights of your CV or ask them to look deeper and consider your more important qualities as a scholarship candidate. So there is no redundancy in using bullet points in your letter. To use the bullet points you can say something like the following:

As a student, some of my qualifications that should be of particular interest to you are:
1. I am studious
2. I always strive for the perfect grade
3. I live to learn

More discussion about my aforementioned traits are dealt with on a more complete form in my CV.

As for your conclusion. You can make it stronger by mentioning that you are a self supporting student who earns just enough to cover you basic expenses. You know that you need higher studies in order to create a better future for yourself and you hope that they will take a gamble on you and help you achieve your life goals and ambitions through higher education.

Writing Feedback / I still hear my grandmother yelling at me asking me to stop playing on the streets [4]

The essay that you wrote is very nice to read. However, it does not really answer the essay prompt. There was a failure on your part to explain the importance for today's children to understand and experience nature. The whole essay seems to be just an introduction to the topic and thus, lacks the substance that the response needs in order to be the effective. I suggest that you revise the essay. Instead of this lengthy discussion that doesn't really offer a response, hark back to the time you experienced nature because you played outdoors. Explain how that helped you become a better person and what that experience offered you in terms of social development. Then compare it to the way that modern children are enjoying their lives tied to their gadgets. Don't discuss just the health repercussions of their interest in gadgets. Explore further towards the lack of social skills development and the inability of children to entertain themselves sans gadgets. Those are but brief examples of how you can better respond to this essay prompt.

Undergraduate / It is an honor if I can give a hand to celebrate 100 years establishment ceremony of business school [2]

While this essay already works, I believe that the start of the essay comparing tuition fees to the way a person learns, is out of place. Rather, I would have instead compared the two programs (my current university as opposed to UIUC) and launched into an explanation of how the program at my current university no longer fits or is limited in scope when compared my career plans. Then the choice to transfer to UIUC will become not only clearer but appear to be a necessity for someone who has serious academic and career goals. The first part of your essay is too trivial in approach and does not really present any solid reasons towards the need for you to transfer. There is no need to give a background of your history in the United States. Just answer the question outright or present an introductory response that gives a solid direction or reason for your transfer, expanding upon it in succeeding paragraphs.

Scholarship / I do not posses the required funds to cover the cost of the program - CET Summer study scholarship [3]

Konstantin, rather than using a line of reasoning that makes you sound like a spoiled brat, why not appeal for the scholarship based upon your positive qualities and traits that will be further honed and enhanced by your participation in the summer study program? Remember, just because you want to attend some activity and your parents cannot afford to pay for it, does not mean you deserve to get the scholarship. You need to present plans for your future development that align with the scholarship program you are applying to and your personal objectives as well. Right now, your scholarship letter does not really present any appealing and strong reason that should make you a strong contender for the scholarship. Remember, you need to make yourself stand out from the other applicants. So present positive traits and goals rather than complaints in your essay. That is what the scholarship committee will remember the most with this current essay, that you are complaining about being the youngest child and your parents having spent on the children before you so you can't get what you want. That is not the image you want to portray when applying for a scholarship. Revise the essay to show your positive traits.

Scholarship / Good academic record, service work makes me an ideal candidate to be considered for a scholarschip [5]

You want to format this letter in such a way that you do not repeat the contents of the documents you have submitted for their consideration. Instead of writing everything in paragraph form the way you have now, I suggest that you keep this essay down to 3 paragraphs. Using the first paragraph to introduce yourself as a candidate then the second paragraph will be in bullet form, highlighting your achievements and accomplishments (both academic and extra curricular) which you believe they should note in your application. Finally, the third paragraph will reiterate your interest in pursuing your academic studies with their help, explaining the reasons why you need the scholarship in order to fulfill your tuition needs. Reasons such as being a self-supporting student and the like should help your application.

Graduate / My thesis led me to a deeper understanding of what the future holds for me. [5]

Elith, you can actually use both as a basis for your desire to work in an advanced field of interest in Supply Chain Management. You can start by explaining that you have a long experience in sales retail where you were exposed to the most basic foundation of supply chain management. Explain how you felt that more could be done to help your store branch receive the supplies faster and more efficiently as the store was suffering from a backlog of client orders and reservations. Imagine how you would have improved that setting and use that work experience in that context. Then, as a translator, explain how you have an understanding of the international basis of business these days and that having experience as a language translator has always been beneficial in your line of work as you manage to talk to some clients in their native tongue, making them feel at home and eventually leading to better purchases for your store. Explain how you see that relating to the supply chain management international supply situations. Expanding on those using my suggestions should help strengthen your essay to a point where it will be more than usable :-)

Writing Feedback / You don't have to work hard to be successful, just be lucky. [2]

Even though you were not given a format for your paper, you should have used the default MLA formatting for this essay. I see that you have a number of quotations and references to the original source of the information in the essay, but you failed to give a proper citation for it. In all higher level academic papers, proper quotation of sources whether in-text or paraphrasing, must be properly noted or referred to within the text in order to give the essay a sense of validity. The in-text citation should include the author's name and original title of the work in quotation marks within a parenthesis.

About the content of your paper, you are supposed to argue both sides of the issue. However, you did not successfully do that. The feel of your essay instead comes across as a persuasive essay rather than an argument one. If you review what you wrote, you only discuss the "work hard" part of the argument in great detail. The "lucky" part is only a mention at the beginning, thus creating the persuasive point of view instead. If you revise the paper to discuss the "lucky" part in the same depth as the "work hard" you will be able to create a better argumentative paper.

Graduate / My thesis led me to a deeper understanding of what the future holds for me. [5]

Don't you have any current professional experience to present in support of your statement of purpose? Since there are only 30 slots available, you can expect to be in tight competition with the other applicants. A majority of them will be presenting impressive professional work experience, training, and other relevant professional information in their statements. What you need to do is highlight your professional expertise, present as much seminars and training experience that you have completed, and scale back on the college information. As a masters degree student, your college education is no longer as important as you think it is. Masters students apply for higher studies due to immediate professional needs, which tie in directly to the long and short term goals of the applicant. If you can reflect that information in your essay, you should be at least in a competitive position as the others once you submit your documents. The current SOP that you have is not really the kind that will present you in the best professional light (which is of the utmost importance in your application) and may not help your application the way you think it will.

Graduate / Courses and work with foreign people helped me develop global perspective and independent thinking [3]

Your essay has pretty solid information to present with regards to your statement of purpose. However, the beginning of the essay is weak. Don't spell out all of your academic accomplishments for the admissions officer. A masters degree student is expected to be able to present more of his professional expertise as the basis of your application rather than you academic accomplishments in college. Your college education should only be a mere mention and should not take up more than a paragraph. Concentrate your essay more on your professional career, your professional training, seminars completed, and explain how this university in particular will be able to help you achieve your long and short term goals as a professional. Rework your introduction as well. Right now, your introduction is not strong at all and is an empty statement which will only disinterest the admissions officer instead of interesting him in learning about your purpose for application. Present your purpose within your introductory paragraph in order to formulate an effective hook that will provide the needed teaser for him to continue reading your essay.

Writing Feedback / "Your generation will be the one that changes everything" - ENG101 [3]

You are right about your essay rambling on. It also deviates from the basic compare and contrast format towards the end as you discuss much broader topics than just your parents. Later on in your essay, you seem to be tackling on the whole debate regarding the generation gap. Try to bring more focus and direction to your essay by stepping back and examining the relationship that you currently have with your parents. What do you normally argue about? How do they say your generation is different from theirs? Base the essay content on just one or two of those topics for the most effective compare and contrast discussion. Remember, the point of this issue is not to just keep pointing out the differences between you and your parents, but also, to compare how you are alike in some ways. Strike that balance in the way you write the essay and your rambling should stop. Limit the topics for your discussion and you will find focus and a central theme for the essay as well.

Writing Feedback / Is it a good idea to compete for the right to host international sport events? [2]

You need to lengthen this discussion when it comes to the part about your personal opinion on the matter. I feel that your discussion about the economic benefits of bidding for international competitions is quite weak. It lacks a personal point of view that shows a deeper understanding of the economics behind the events and the benefits that the overall economy of a nation can gain from hosting it. Your personal point of view in this essay is supposed to be the most compelling opinion explained here. It should be the one that could either tip the balance in favor or not in favor of your chosen side. Please discuss it better and make sure to create a strong, understandable, and believable platform for your position.

Writing Feedback / Should we choose a job to earn more money or to have a contribution to the society? [2]

I absolutely love the personal opinion that you present in this essay. By showing that there is actually a balance to be found between the need for money and job satisfaction, you have widened the net for the discussion on this topic. It has created food for thought for the reader and allows the reader to take a step back so that he or she can think about what the real reason they have for their job is and in the process, find satisfaction in what they are doing. This is an essay that clearly looks at all the sides involved. The depth of the discussion is enough to present evidence that you gave a great deal of thought to the sides presented in the discussion. Keep up the good work :-) Your writing is improving with every essay. Just don't give up.

Writing Feedback / Should employees be allowed to do some work from home? [3]

This is a well discussed essay that covers all of the topics that you need to discuss regarding telecommuting and office work. However, instead of using just mothers at the example of people who will benefit from working from home, why not use a more neutral example. For example, discuss how some people work better when allowed to simply deliver their tasks without supervision. The existence of the home amenities often translates into a more relaxed and comfortable work atmosphere for other home based employees and thus, aids in a better result in terms of work productivity. Since your opinion is also being asked for, why not place yourself in both situations and explain why you feel that you would work better in a particular situation? Do you think that would work for you in this essay?

Graduate / After graduation, I will be involved in the Hospitality industry. Post study plan. MBA. Glion (GIHE) [2]

Your post study plan is not unique in its approach. You are basically telling the admissions officer about plans that almost all other applicants will be saying. What the essay needs is a post graduation plan that will stand out from the rest of the applicants. Try to create a career progression plan for yourself. One that starts with working as an employee in the hospitality industry, gaining work experience that will enhance your professional profile alongside your academic training, then end it with a broad ambition statement. How do you see yourself reshaping or injecting a new sense of vitality into your F&B, HRM community? Try to think forward 5-10 years. Maybe you have plans for a new kind of hotel service, food service, etc. that could be a new standard in the hospitality industry? Relate those plans and how you plan on achieving it. That is the kind of plan that normally stands out for these applications.

Undergraduate / Making the world a better place, even for the underprivileged drives - why I chose this program? [5]

The rest of the essay at the moment is fine. However, once you change the direction of the essay to reflect a more specific educational goal or objective, you may find that changing the rest of the essay will be required in order to better reflect, represent, and explain your educational goals. It would perhaps be best for you to write 2 versions of your revised essay. The first one, will revise only the part that i am suggesting and the second one, will hold a totally new essay that, to your understanding, better supports your essay thesis. After completing the revision work, you can then compare the two essays and then decide for yourself which essay works best for the purpose of your essay.

Scholarship / The dies had been cast before I was born, setting in motion many hardships and struggles [2]

Hi Angelica, I brought the essay down to 289 words by focusing the content more on your story rather than your mother's. I also did not rewrites in certain sentences to make it flow better and deliver a stronger message. I hope this works for you :-)

The die had been cast before I was born, setting in motion many hardships and struggles. At the time my mother was pregnant with me and my brother was three years old, my father had a stroke leaving him mentally and physically disabled. The state of New Mexico declared my mother "unfit" to care for my father plus two children and issued a legal separation between them. My mom, my brother and I were then forced to move to Bernalillo and live in low-income housing. Growing up in the projects, I never saw much of a future for myself. I saw how unsuccessful the older kids growing up around me turned out to be. They ended up either dropping out of high school, going to jail, doing drugs or getting pregnant. I thought that I was doomed to this same fate. I thought that because I was poor, I was not intelligent and would never amount to anything, because of this thought I never really tried at school but somehow managed to get by with decent grades. It was not until middle school that I realized that academics could be my way to a better life. I realized that my circumstances were not limitations, all that mattered was how hard I was willing to work. It was like a switch went on in my head asI poured every ounce of my being into my school work. I put in extra hours studying and staying after school for tutoring. Academics became an outlet for me and I now have a positive outlook towards the future. I feel empowered and excited in knowing that I am in total control of my life and have the power to do anything I want.

Undergraduate / Chemistry sparked my first friendship - Johns Hopkins University essay [6]

Ngoc, there is just something uncomfortable about the way your essay reads. It seems like it is trying too hard to become intellectual. Let me show you a more relaxed, yet still academic way of writing this essay. This comes in at 284 words:

I come from a world of student assistance. As an unofficial tutor to my classmates who needed help in Chemistry, I look forward to doing the same for my future classmates at JHU. The aid that I offer my classmates goes far beyond Chemistry. I am more than willing to help them study for their other classes as well because I believe that it is through the shared experience of study, or learning, that we will come to bond together as classmates and peers.

The experience that I wish to continue building upon at JHU is one that I firmly believe in as my current experience with helping my peers with their own Chemistry learning problems has shown me that no man can honestly claim to be an expert in any field. In fact, by helping my current classmates and friends with their lessons, I have found that i have come to learn more about the subject, topic, and my own strengths, as well as weaknesses as a person, student, and tutor.

As a tutor at North Seattle College, I found that Chemistry and Math challenged me the most, fueling my passion for more learning in the field of Chemistry even though I sometimes struggled to make myself understood by my peers who did not have as strong a foundation as I in the field. By coming to JHU, I look forward to igniting the same passion and desire for Chemistry and other subjects that I have within my peers. I am confident that together, we will be able to find the answers to their questions, if I do not have the answers ready for them yet. Which will be rare and far between.

The essay that you need to write should only be this simple and informative. You do not need a complex back story to respond to it. Your back story instead diminished the impact of any contribution that you wish to make to the JHU community. Use the above as a template, or in totality if you wish.

Scholarship / To me, invent something is a dream for a lifetime. Scholarschip Statement of Purpose [4]

Basically, you should explain your interest in the field and how the advanced studies will help you fulfill it. From there, you should also mention the scholarship program and how their program / donation to your studies can help you become a successful student. Try to cut down most of your essay to only the most important information that covers any or all of the following:

1. The reason you wish to attend this summer program
2. Why you feel that this summer program is something that can help you achieve future success.
3. How the mission and vision of the scholarship program can help you give back to your community.
4. The specific reasons why you feel you should be awarded the scholarship. While financial incapacity is the common reason used, you should try to come up with a new reason. Perhaps something that implies how you require additional resources in order to cover the costs, thus making it appear that the scholarship will be helping you, not shouldering all your expenses.

I hope to read your revised essay as soon as you can get to writing one :-)

Undergraduate / Making the world a better place, even for the underprivileged drives - why I chose this program? [5]

Rather than giving a generic response such as "making the world a better place", try to come up with a more solid reason for wishing to pursue this academic field. You need to present a specific idea of the career goals that you have set for yourself and how your educational goals relate to it. Within 900 characters, you can manage to present both if you do not make your essay sound like a student invitation brochure that indicates common knowledge information about the university to the admissions officer. Try to explain a more definite goal such as "creating an improved water filtration system that will set a new international standard" or something similar. This type of educational goal will then allow you to use information that you know about the university, such as their mentor, training, or internship programs, that can help you achieve that final goal. This essay asks you to present your familiarity with the university and your chosen major in the briefest but most informative way. So try to deliver that.

Scholarship / If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish - you feed him for a lifetime [4]

Definitely. Your essay has to come full circle in order to properly plead your case with the scholarship committee. Reinforce the connection between the success of your academic career with the scholarship grant and the eventual benefits that your community will receive once you return to your mother country to help your community. Keep in mind that the scholarship wants to know how you will be able to help your community, so you need to highlight the facts relating to how the grant will help you achieve your academic and professional goals. It is important that you properly distribute the word count (if you have one) to accurately present all of the information that will help you become a good scholarship candidate.

Scholarship / To me, invent something is a dream for a lifetime. Scholarschip Statement of Purpose [4]

Rieny, when you are applying for such an important masters degree scholarship, it is more important to highlight your future and your current potential as a professional and a student. The essay you currently have is quite long and does not really have a specific direction except to be a biographical statement on your part. To make your writing more effective, please consider sharing your ideas for a future goal that you have set for yourself with the scholarship committee members. Let them know how important this scholarship is to you because of the benefit that society can gain from your advanced studies. Highlight the fact that you have a unique dream and ability that will be wasted if you are not given the proper financial help to assist you in achieving those lofty ambitions and dreams. Assure them that supporting your studies will not be a waste of their finances due to various professional and personal reasons. Having a proper direction for your future career oftentimes inspires the reader to support the applicant.

Undergraduate / Flex Path submission for WPI - I have created a portfolio exhibiting my artwork and sewing projects [3]

Try to deepen the meaning of the reasons why you chose to submit a portfolio for your application instead of your test scores. Try to explain why you feel that your work speaks better for you than any grades you can submit. Then offer an insight into the reasons why you chose to to submit a self portrait, and hand sewn materials. The explanations you have right now are too shallow and narrow minded in expression. What you need to do is expand upon the explanations by opening yourself up to the admissions officer and letting him feel the emotions, sentiment, and thoughts behind the works that you chose to submit. Offering an opportunity to the admissions officer to see who the person is behind the work is the key to making your portfolio more effective in stating your case for admission.

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree: Students need one year of break after finishing high school [4]

Since this is an agree of disagree essay, you should have also represented the side of the discussion that states how a gap year benefits the students who have just graduated from high school. Remember, some of these kids could be coming from financially strapped families and a gap year is the only way they might be able to eventually attend college. You said so yourself the work market is highly competitive now, and some of the blue-collar jobs, can be filled by simple high school graduates. Allowing high school graduates to take a gap year would enable them to mature more fully and truly decide upon what their college major should be because they will have experienced real life and by then, know what niche they will want to fill in the world. An A/D essay needs to view both sides of the issue in order to have a balanced discussion. One or two paragraphs of the opposing point of view would have helped to balance your work.

Undergraduate / When I was college hunting, I put my eyes out for liberal arts colleges. Knox supplemental essay. [2]

Okay, it was a bad idea to simply cut and paste the mission, vision, and objectives of the university as taken from their website. Your essay should reflect a kinship between yourself and the university. This is seen in the way that you explain how you share their mission and vision by sharing who you are as a person. Make sure to highlight the traits that you have which the admissions officer may find interesting as it is a close personification of the information you took from their website. Remember, you are not supposed to tell the admissions officer information they already know about their university, you are supposed to tell them about what interested you in seeking admission to their university, be it academic or their student community, be creative and unique. Don't give them a standard template essay as you have now.

Undergraduate / Where words or actions are not able to produce. Parsons The New School Artist Statement revision. [5]

Definitely knock the fancy words down a notch or two. Your essay will be better for it. I would place the inclination for painting in various mediums at the top of the essay. That way the admissions officer won't have to sort through the whole essay just to get the answer to the prompt. The more direct you can make your statement the better. Remember, flowery is good when you are writing creatively. When you are writing a word limited essay with the person who is assigned to read it also having to read about a hundred more essays to read within the day, it is always best to just answer the question directly. No beating around the bush. Save the reader time because if you place too many creative words, he could lose interest in what you have to say. More so if he has to sort through a long essay just to be able to "think" about what your actual response is.

Undergraduate / Instead of stylistic, I'm opting for a really realistic approach here - UIUC Essay [3]

The first essay was too direct and in your face in approach. It covered topics and reasons that are not of interest to the admissions officers. It was really not a very good essay to begin with. I am really glad that you came to your senses and revised the essay to a more acceptable essay that does not make you sound like you are begging for money or a scholarship. The second essay really works best for your interests because the essay is more polite in nature, educated in manner, and informative to the proper degree. I really recommend that you use the second essay instead. I believe it will serve your purpose better than the first.

Scholarship / If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish - you feed him for a lifetime [4]

You need a paragraph or so that interweaves your ideas for giving back to your community with the mission of the scholarship. At this point, the essay is quite informative regarding how you will return to your community and assist them in developing the unemployed or out of school youth. That is not all that the essay is asking you provide though. In order to complete this essay, you need to discuss the mission of the scholarship and how your plans fit into it. There needs to be a connection between the two in order to become highly effective in responding to the prompt. Like i said, that response should only take about a paragraph or two so just mind the maximum word count, if there is one, and your essay should be fine after that.

Undergraduate / "Plan ahead", "Better time management", "Always read the instruction first" - UBC personal profile. [2]

Depending upon the maximum word count for your response to the prompt, this is a very short essay. In fact, it is more of a statement response than an essay at this point. I advise you to reconsider the way you responded to the essay by expanding the information that you provided and offering a deeper insight into the problems that you faced and how you addressed the challenge of having to finish 2 courses in one month. Describe the way that you learned to use time management better and why you realized the importance of reading instructions first. Then end the essay by explaining how you now apply the lessons learned to your everyday life and that you believe your college life will be better off because of that problem that you faced.

Undergraduate / Where words or actions are not able to produce. Parsons The New School Artist Statement revision. [5]

The latter part of your essay discussing how Parson's can help you further your career is right on the mark. The problem with the essay is that the beginning and middle parts are simply filled with flowery words that do not address the prompt requirements in great detail. You need to explain what kind of art you make (pottery, painting, sculpture, etc) and then tell the admissions officer why you have chosen to specialize in that art. At the moment, your essay does not reflect a specific art form nor reason as to why you have chosen to work with that particular form. The essay need not be this wordy, you can just respond to the prompt directly, but properly. Specific answers are required because the prompt has straightforward questions posed.

Undergraduate / "Here's your winner and new state champion" - Common app #2 Prompt [4]

this is a highly effective essay that presents a clear idea of your progression from being self-centered and over confident, to failure, to redemption. Your story of redemption though, ran a bit long in terms of the back story that you provided. If you could accentuate more upon the lessons that you learned, it may serve a better purpose for your essay. While mentioning some historical names of people who changed the course of mankind is a nice effect, I don't really get the connection between their experience and yours. If you can make a clearer connection between the two, you will be able to more effectively use that passage. the conclusion should be stronger and longer since that is where you are discussing the two lessons that you learned from your experience. Make sure you also make mention of how you apply those lessons in your life today.

Writing Feedback / Children are dependent on computer entertainment. Should they spend more time on outdoor activities [5]

Hey Ahmad, sorry about not getting back to you sooner. You already spotted the parts that need correction so I am not sure what else I have to correct for you:-) So I will comment on your content instead. For starters, I hope that you can learn to write your opinion essays without constantly using the word "utterly" to emphasize your point. I would reserve the word for more serious matters for consideration and other academic papers. Using it in constantly in your IELTS practice tests just shows that you have limited your English vocabulary to that single word in order to emphasize agreement. You could say things such as "I strongly agree, I passionately agree," or simply put, "I agree". You see, it is best to present a simple agreement at the start, building up the strong reasons for your agreement throughout the paper. Your strong connection to the opinion is better read than emphasized at the start :-) It offers a stronger build up for your reasons as the reader goes along as well.

Undergraduate / 'countless educational programs offered' - Education among the American society - UT Transfer essay [7]

It does not matter if the anecdote is made up. Believe me, if you do a Google search, you will come across stories of the students who did not pass the test. Their story can serve as the inspiration for your anecdote. It might even inspire you to create a new introduction for your essay. What matters is that you present a story that will serve to support your claim about the current shortcoming and failure of the American educational system. You can either use an anecdote, factual information (using statistics), or a personal experience of yours that made you consider the "No Child Left Behind" act a failure and a disservice to the students of the United States. I know that you may not know anybody who has failed the test yet so you will need to get creative in that respect. A little research and creative writing is necessitated in order to strengthen your argument in the essay.

Undergraduate / Chemistry sparked my first friendship - Johns Hopkins University essay [6]

You have the essay written in reverse. Yes, you should definitely mention that you are a tutor at present and it should be presented at the top of the page alongside the portion that says:


This is the hook that correctly answers the question about how you plan on building upon your passion, extra curricular activities, and the like as a student at John Hopkins University. By presenting those sentences as the first part of your introductory paragraph, you create stir the interest of the admissions officer. You entice the reader to find out how and why you plan on continuing to tutor students at JHU. The story of Casey will come in handy in presenting this reason. However, you still need to cut it down. The story is still too long. The story should not even mention your first day at Roosevelt High anymore. Just start at the part where Casey approached you to tutor her. Explain why you were chosen to be her tutor. Present the fact that you have been good with Chemistry from the start. Work on the revision from there in the method I presented :-)

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

The letter you developed is good enough to use. Go ahead and use it in the latest version form. You cannot submit a generic self nomination letter to these companies because their requirements for each position under their company will vary. The best thing for you to do is research the needs of the company, their background, and the qualifications that the people currently working for them have. From there, you can develop new, individualized letters of application that may or may not catch their attention. Like I said, unsolicited letters do not get very far in the companies but if you insist, then you need to write specific letters for each company. If you can write a new letter per company and post it as a new thread here individually (one company, one letter, one thread), then we can continue to help you formulate effective letters for them.

Graduate / The first important challenge my generation should aware is the Energy Sustainability [9]

Try this on for size at 960 characters:

Sustainable Energy is one of the major problems facing our world with dwindling resources. My generation has been tasked to maintain the current energy system, as well as developing new sources of energy in order to keep the modern world going. Part of this task includes making sure that environmental hazards such as noise and air pollution, chemical contamination of the water supply, and deforestation are eliminated or limited in order to create a successful balance between the existence of man and the care of the planet. After all, man and the earth exist in a symbiotic relationship. Once sustainable energy fails, mankind will cease to exist. The more recent generation has already started the ball rolling on sustainable energy with the creation of clean air pacts and other international environmental regulations, the future generation needs to further develop those ideas for continued application to sustainable energy programs internationally.

It's a template but you can use it in full if you want to. I won't mind :-)