Writing Feedback / Arts government funding - GRE Issue essay. Review, grade, point out mistake or suggest improvements. [4]

Hi Riyasat, now that you have mentioned it, there are some points where the grammar can be improved or corrected. I hope you won't mind if I go paragraph by paragraph for your reference. My comments will include suggestions and rewrites that will serve as samples for your future reference.


- Since you have not stated any previous facts or information, you should not use "On one hand" in this instance. "On one hand" connotes that previous statements have been made, that does not exist in this instance so don't use that term. Instead open immediately with "Government funding..."


- This is a second opinion that you are stating. "On the other hand" does not really fit the sentence. Rather, the best way to open the topic would be stating "However, the mere..." as the word "However" connotes a new idea being presented or in this case, a different side to the issue. This makes the presentation more formal and academic.


- - Remember, you need to present your stand on the matter because it is required in the prompt :


Therefore, you are required to clearly state, support, and discuss your position. I agree that there are some instances where being vague in your discussion is the best approach to take in discussing the topic unless, as in this case, the prompt clearly asks you to state and discuss your stand using other evidences to support your side.

Actually, your stand is not very clear in the essay because you never connoted ownership of any idea or side. Your essay comes across more as a well rounded discussion of the issue. In this case, not clearly stating or taking a position really hurt your discussion since it seems like you do not have a clear opinion regarding the matter.

If you would like to revise the essay and post it again in this thread, I'd be more than happy to help you develop your writing skill and work on the grammar issues with you :-)

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE- MANUFACTURING TECHNOLOGY PROGRAM- ESSAY OF A SATELLITE DESIGN ENGINEER [4]

Saptarshi, let me start off by telling you that the format you have for your Statement of Purpose is all wrong. You are not supposed to write this as a formal letter since this is a formal essay. That said, the format of this type of essay follows the normal essay format and is best written within the specified word count. Removing the opening salutation that you have now will immediately fix the format of the essay. There is no need to formally greet the reviewer of your paper. Neither do you have to thank them for the opportunity to present yourself as a candidate for higher studies. Uou are note delivering an oratory speech nor defending a thesis. Therefore you have to delete the following from your introduction:



- Since you are applying for a specific field of higher study, you should use this opening to present your work experience as relevant to your future plans of study. Develop this line with more information about your professional experience.


- How exactly do your future plans for your career align with the course program offered by the university? How can they help you achieve these goals and what can you do for the university in the future? Be specific. Mention courses, notable names at the university you want to work with, etc.

In conclusion, it is always best to mention your short and long term goals after completing the program. The idea is to make your application stand out from the rest of the applicants and that can be done by showing them a unique plan you have for your future career.

It is important that you revise the essay using some of the guidelines that I have given you in order to create a more solid picture of who you are as a professional and as a student interested in higher studies. Add anything else that you feel might help highlight your application. It would be best if you work with us as you develop the final version of your application essay though so that it can be further polished and enhanced in the future.

Here's looking forward to your next draft :-)

Writing Feedback / Arts government funding - GRE Issue essay. Review, grade, point out mistake or suggest improvements. [4]

Riyasat, since I am not familiar with how the GRE is graded, let me just offer you some comments regarding the content of your work. As you requested, I will not look at the grammar errors since what is important in this essay is the message you are trying to convey and if you were able to successfully do that. The essay that you present is good enough for something written within 30 minutes. However, there are some aspects that you need to improve upon.

First of all, as per the essay prompt, you need to discuss the topic in alignment with your own stand. The way you wrote the essay portrays a more general rather than personal stand due to the lack of first person pronouns. In order to let the reader know that you are not discussing in generalized terms, you need to ensure that you use the words I or me within the essay. It is very important that you do that for this essay because you are being required to discuss your point of view regarding the topic. To be specific, you need to clearly state your stand in your introductory paragraph. Make mention of it after this sentence:


By stating your point of view immediately after that line, you will be able to clearly present the general discussion as you did in the second paragraph. Right now, your point of view is a gray area. You cannot stand in the middle of this debate. The prompt clearly dictates that you choose a side and support it while discussing the opposing side as well.

Second, it is very important that you properly develop your paragraphs in terms of supporting ideas, facts or figures. Most specially when discussing the general point of view. One of the portions that lacked adequate development and support is:


The above quote displays the lack of supporting facts meant to strengthen this discussion / belief of yours. Mentioning some ways that the continued support of the arts (by the government) helps improve society will help add credibility to your statement. I understand that you only had 30 minutes to develop, draft, and write this essay. Which is why you should only be discussing 2 sides to this issue: your stand and the one most important opposing stand (from your point of view). By narrowing down your discussion, you will be able to better develop the content and conclusion of your essay.

Undergraduate / Learning from mistakes and a future success - Applying to B.U and NYU [6]

Thanh, I think that the main problem with the essay you wrote is that you tried to provide as much information as you could for the reviewer to read hoping that it would paint a clear picture of a life experience that resulted in failure and lessons learned. While I will not discount the fact that your life experiences are interesting and truly enriching, you need to narrow down the focus of your essay in order to make it more responsive to the prompt. What I believe you have to do is concentrate on the activity that you believe you failed at at the most but also came away with the most lessons learned.

Rather than talking in general terms, as you are doing in this version of the essay, I suggest that you review your work experiences as a car washer, waiter, and coffee-maker (the proper term for that isbarista) and try to find the most significant work failure that you had. Once you have chosen which failure you want to concentrate on, analyze the situation and list down the lessons that you learned from that specific failure. You can even rehash the existing content of the essay to signify the lessons you learned. Remember, the instance, the specific failure is more important than relating how you were listless on the job, not really performing, being compared to your father, etc. You need to cite a specific failure and how it occurred then explain the lesson you learned.

Close the essay with a self-reflection of who you are now and how you are thankful for that specific failure in your life because it helped you become the person you are now. Concentrate on the fact that while all life experiences teach us a lesson, some lessons, such as this specific one, teach a lesson that you carry all your life. Or something to that effect.

Scholarship / What do clowns, airplanes, and insects have in common? -- Questbridge Biographical Essay [6]

Hi Abraham, this essay most certainly presents your academic and personal life on open book terms. It was really interesting to read all about the bullying you had to overcome, the effects of constantly moving on your self-esteem, and how you eventually overcame the bullying. Now, here is the thing, the essay in my opinion, should not concentrate so much on the negative aspects of your life. You need to balance the negative (bullying, moving) with the positive ( academic success, increase in your sense of self-worth, etc.) in order to better balance the essay.

More than half of the essay presented the effects of the moving and bullying upon you. You need to concentrate more of the essay upon presenting how these events, as they happened, helped you to learn new things about yourself and how you used that knowledge to help survive the situation. Try to talk more about how you overcame the situations as you relate them. Don't leave that information for the end of the essay. At this point, the positive portions seem to be a mere after thought since you did not really provide the same amount of space to discussing how these events helped shaped your aspirations and personal life. Since you have 800 words allowed in this essay, you can actually use 400 words for each discussion.

That said, you should be conscious of the fact that just because you have an 800 word limit, that does not mean that you need to use all of the word count in your essay. Rather, you should try to relate your response within 500-700 words. The shorter the essay, the better the chance that the reviewer will actually read your essay to the very end. You can accomplish this by concentrating on the more important topic of the two. My vote is to discuss the bullying rather than the moving. While both moving and bullying have become common topics for essays, bullying always proves to present more information about the personal development of a person. That is why I am recommending that you revise the essay to make it more specific and allow you to better portray your character on paper for the reader.

Overall though, I agree with what the other posters said, the essay is good. However, revising it will allow you to better present your response in accordance with the prompt.

Letters / Topic: You are on your holiday in Bayview hotel. Write to your friend. [2]

Tran, your letter has a number of grammatical errors that need to be corrected. For example:


Grammar rules dictate that no formally written sentence should begin with "And" or "Because". This sentence should be written as : "Guess what! Bayview Hotel is a family run hotel where I am being treated in an extra special manner." or some variation of that sentence. I am not sure what you mean by you are "being treated with many specific disk. "

The overall structure of the letter is not as informative as it can be. Neither does it accomplish the task of enticing your friend to join you there on vacation next time. You need to work on strengthening the first part of the paragraph that reads:


You could describe more of the hotel and its facilities at this point. Paint a more vivid view of the beach, the hotel, etc. Describe it in such a way that your friend will be able to visualize what you are describing and in the process, stir up envy and make him want to join you next time. Building up the location in the letter is also a better way of building up the fact that it is a family run hotel so it offers other services and amenities that other hotels do not have.

There is also no clear explanation as to how your vacation connects with the friendship album. Explain that you can grow the album collection with photos of your next vacation where you hope your friend can join you. Remember, the whole idea behind the letter is to open your friend's eyes to the fact that he is missing out by not being with you on vacation.

If you'd like to rewrite the letter in order to try and make it better, we will be more than happy to help you practice this type of letter writing :-)

Scholarship / When I turned sixteen, my freedom has ended. Questbridge 'experience' essay [3]

Hi Mattie, while the essay you wrote is quite good, it got lost a bit while you were telling your story. The impact of the essay can be even greater if, rather than veering away from the job interview after your talk with your father, you instead brought us into the actual interview room with you and described that experience leading to the point of having to answer the question about your flaws. The reason I believe that you should do this is simple, the prompt specifically asks you to describe the experience. In this case, the essay should not be about your preparation for the interview of the Zen - like wisdom of your dad. It should be all about that moment when, after all of your preparation, you came face to face with the interviewer and you heard the question being asked.

We did not get the sense of how that actual asking of the question helped you to change your perspective and helped you develop the answer. What I gather from your current response is that your father gave you the answer to the question. The soul searching or analytical aspect, the personal involvement with finding the answer to the question does not really exist and has weakened the overall response to the prompt. One way of responding to the essay while keeping your father in the story would be to revise the way the event actually happened. Thereby removing the focus of the essay from the interview and placing it upon the moment you had with your father instead.

You could explain that you were preparing for that particular interview question and you did not know how to respond to it. You had a talk with your father and somehow, your conversations included a specific activity where you were defeated. However, you came away from it learning something new about yourself that helped you develop as a person. Thus, a weakness became a strength and the talk with your father, helped you change your perspective or opinion of yourself and your weaknesses. Do you think that could work for you?

Undergraduate / Special Education, Campus - Essay Review for UCF Admission Essay [3]

One of the important factors to remember when developing an essay in response to this prompt is that you need to find an alignment between your personal reasons for attending the school and the mission / vision / objectives / goals of the school as well. What you need to define in this type common essay is your character in accordance with what the school describes as their idea of a good student. While I see that you have tried to present your best qualities and traits both as a person and as a student in this essay, you should not try to use all of those information within one prompt. Try to choose the single quality or reason within yourself , in direct relation to UCF that compels you apply for admission to UCF and then build the essay around that.

The main idea you have to convey in this essay is how your personality can be enhanced by the UCF experience and how you will also enhance the experience of those around you. The metamorphosis idea is a good one. However, you need to relate that in a way with a specific reason or two for opting to attend UCF. Once you make the connection, writing the rest of the essay should become easier. Since you said that this is only a draft (unfinished), you have a lot of room to revise and edit the essay to better suit the prompt.

Be specific in the your response. While being all descriptive and wordy in your response is good in some cases, it does not really offer much of a benefit to this version of your essay. Go directly to the point of the prompt. Give the response / reason within your first 3 sentences in an interesting manner. Having read this essay, I know that you have the ability to write such an introduction. Remember, you need to reel in the reader from the very start. So placing your direct response first and then getting descriptive towards the latter portion always works to your benefit. Right now, the essay does not really make that direct connection.

My advice is this, try to write another version of this essay. One that concentrates more on the connection between you and UCF, then review the prompt again, make sure that in your point of view, you have accurately answered the prompt. We'd be very happy to help you reach that state of writing :-) Again, this is a good start, it can be the basis of your next essay version. Give it a try :-)

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS - The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this [4]

Irfan, I can see that you are having a hard time expressing yourself coherently in this essay. Most of your paragraphs became under developed as a result of this. You have a tendency to present an idea without actually developing the supporting thoughts behind it. Therefore, your essay does not successfully deliver your message, concerns, or thought process. Take for example the following paragraph:


- There was nothing in your introductory paragraph that could have prepared the reader for this "additional" stand that you took towards the end of the paragraph. You need to always remember that readers need to be set up or introduced to the next idea that you will be discussing, then that new idea should be discussed in a separate paragraphs. You need to use connector words and insert a transition sentence in order to bring this paragraph together.

While your succeeding paragraphs deliver valid reasons, you did not really create very convincing statements to have the reader believe in your stand on the issue. It is not enough to just give acceptable reasons, you need to draw upon other examples of logic in order to create a believable conclusion for your essay. One way to strengthen your essay would be to delve upon your personal opinion of the matter and using your personal experience to support your conclusion. That way the connection between your logic, other people's beliefs, and the opposing argument come full circle as a valid and acceptable discussion on the matter.

It is also very obvious that you tried to use a thesaurus or dictionary for some terms as you did not use them properly in the sentence. An example of this flaw on your part is the following sentence:


- Instead of saying to exemplify, you should have instead said "Take for example" or "An example of this..." Exemplify means to show or illustrate by example. So you have the right idea, you just did not use the correct version of the word for the sentence. That in turn created a wrong grammar scenario for the rest of the paragraph.

Remember, the examiner will be more impressed if you use simple words to express yourself. He is not out to find out how many big words you know in the English language. He just wants to know that you have a basic grasp of the language that will allow you to express yourself coherently whenever necessary.

Graduate / "Counseling Moves" - Graduate Essay to Pursue a Masters in Counseling [4]

Hi Monica :-) The essay you wrote really covers the prompts you were provided. That is a good thing. The not so good thing is that by responding in such a cut and dried manner to the prompt, you lost your chance to truly present yourself and your personal connection with counseling. You need an eye catching moment at the opening of the essay to accomplish that. One way you can do this is by presenting your story. You mentioned in the essay that you too underwent counseling at a certain point in your life. Use that experience to build on the essay.

You can use that personal experience to create the connection between your motivation and aspirations to become a counselor. What was this life event that led to your realization that you wanted to reach out and help other people? How did those counselors affect you in such a distinct manner and you decided to follow in their footsteps?Those are some questions that can help explain the development of your aspiration and your objective in becoming a counselor. You also need to be clearer about your personal asset and you believe it will help you achieve your aspirations as a counselor.

As for the activities portion, I would like you to think back to your previous experiences. Choose one significant experience where you somehow managed to counsel someone who needed it and then describe how your help affected the person in a positive manner. That will help to prove that you have the mettle to make it as a counselor and that you will be effective in this line of work. I hope that my advice helps you improve your essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Rich countries should give the poorer other types of help instead of a money. How do you see that? [7]

Hi Diep,

I must commend you on your expertise in the use of the English language. The proficiency that you display and the formation of your paragraphs show that you have spent time learning the rudimentary English grammar rules and how to apply it to your essay. While this would easily rate a 6.5 or a 7, I believe that the essay could be further improved by concentrating on a very important factor of your essay. The experience of Vietnam with regards to the use of foreign aid is a topic that should have been the central focus of the essay.

Why do I say that? Simply put, the strongest essay discussion or evidence is always the one based upon the personal experience of the writer. In this instance, your country, being a recipient of foreign aid would have been the best evidence to use for your agreement with the statement provided. By expanding upon the experience of your country and the shortcomings of the foreign aid financial programs, you would have provided the strongest possible argument in support of the need to receive alternative help from rich countries.

Alongside this discussion, you could have also given some specific examples of alternative help that your country could have benefited from instead of the generic mention of types of alternative help that could be extended to the country. These examples would have tied in directly with the example of the way financial help does not work well for your country and how the alternative help could truly be the lifeline that the impoverished people of Vietnam need to get a step up in life.

Overall, this is a very strong and solid essay that already works in this form. The suggestions I made are only meant to help you tighten and focus the content of your essay on a strong central theme for discussion within 40 minutes.

Undergraduate / Time is my biggest fear. It goes but never comes. It flies but never slows SCAD Statement of Purpose [2]

Your story is quite touching Davies. It is enough to tug on the heart strings of the admissions officers reviewing your application. However, it is not the correct information that should be contained in your statement of purpose. What you wrote fits more in a common prompt essay. A statement of purpose needs only provide 4 pieces of basic information since you are applying for masters degree studies. Revise the essay to present the following:

1. Your reason or purpose for wishing to attend higher academic learning after college.
2. The number of years that you have worked in a relevant field which will prove the necessity of advanced studies on your part
3. A summary of your college education accompanied by relevant training and seminars that relate to your interest in the field.
4. Your long and short term goals and a discussion about how the university can help you attain this through a masters education.

Like I said, your current essay is more of a personal essay than a statement of purpose so you need to correct the slant of the essay to become relevant to the prompt. My checklist will help you do that.

Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

Ahmad, no, I did not fail to take Steve Jobs and Bill Gates into consideration when I wrote my response to you. However, I felt that they are not proper examples of young successful leaders because they both has something in common. They were both ousted from their respective companies due to their lack of management abilities. Steve Jobs, as we know, was famously ousted from Apple by the board because he lacked "people skills" which are necessary to properly motivate your staff and oversee a successful company. Bill Gates on the other hand, chose to "resign" rather than be asked to leave. After all, he still owned the company. Both of these men are examples how young leaders lack the ability to control, direct, and properly manage their companies due to their lack of experience and in effect, their young ages. That is just my opinion though. I am sure others will have a different take on the matter.

Speeches / Pushing to the limits, have fun; exciting and challenging place. Adventure to Mount Everest (speech) [2]

I believe that your speech will be further improved if you can create a sense of personal connection between the adventure that you want to undertake and why. Are you challenging yourself to accomplish this task? Why is this adventure very important to you? What do you hope to accomplish at the end of it ? Consider that Mt. Everest is not considered mostly a tourist climbing destination instead of what it used to be, an insurmountable obstacle that brought a sense of pride and honor to those who conquered it. How does this history of the mountain reflect the kind of adventure you might have? Remember, people sometimes die during this trek. So address the possible problems and pitfalls that are included in this adventure as well. Those are some topics that you can include in this discussion :-)

Writing Feedback / A/D: Who is a better leader, an old person or a young one? [8]

I would like you to reconsider your argument. While the young people do have the brash ambitiousness to propel their ideas forward, they do not have the proper life experience with which to make it a reality. This is evidenced by the failed movement on Hong Kong by the students. They did not gain the attention of the proper authorities, nor the chance to air their case properly because their young leaders did not have the life experience with which to deal with the political environment. What the youth lack is something most important in leadership which the elders possess, a sense of diplomacy, an understanding of social, political, and world relations, and the ability to understand that sometimes, meeting halfway is what is best for all concerned. Don't give me that line about the world being over taken by young people because of Mark Zuckerberg etc. That is a dream world. Look at the world leaders, do you see anyone at the age of 20 and above but below 40 leading a world economy? Are there true leaders in that field who can bring world peace, a stable economy, and true leadership to his people? Nope. That is because life experience, academic and social learning, are lessons that are learned and experience as a person ages. That is what makes him an effective leader and gives him the ability to succeed where the young leaders may fail.

Scholarship / Good academic record, service work makes me an ideal candidate to be considered for a scholarschip [5]

Your CV is the intricate form of information that you should be providing to the scholarship committee. The compressed form will remind them to pay attention to the highlights of your CV or ask them to look deeper and consider your more important qualities as a scholarship candidate. So there is no redundancy in using bullet points in your letter. To use the bullet points you can say something like the following:

As a student, some of my qualifications that should be of particular interest to you are:
1. I am studious
2. I always strive for the perfect grade
3. I live to learn

More discussion about my aforementioned traits are dealt with on a more complete form in my CV.

As for your conclusion. You can make it stronger by mentioning that you are a self supporting student who earns just enough to cover you basic expenses. You know that you need higher studies in order to create a better future for yourself and you hope that they will take a gamble on you and help you achieve your life goals and ambitions through higher education.

Writing Feedback / I still hear my grandmother yelling at me asking me to stop playing on the streets [4]

The essay that you wrote is very nice to read. However, it does not really answer the essay prompt. There was a failure on your part to explain the importance for today's children to understand and experience nature. The whole essay seems to be just an introduction to the topic and thus, lacks the substance that the response needs in order to be the effective. I suggest that you revise the essay. Instead of this lengthy discussion that doesn't really offer a response, hark back to the time you experienced nature because you played outdoors. Explain how that helped you become a better person and what that experience offered you in terms of social development. Then compare it to the way that modern children are enjoying their lives tied to their gadgets. Don't discuss just the health repercussions of their interest in gadgets. Explore further towards the lack of social skills development and the inability of children to entertain themselves sans gadgets. Those are but brief examples of how you can better respond to this essay prompt.

Undergraduate / It is an honor if I can give a hand to celebrate 100 years establishment ceremony of business school [2]

While this essay already works, I believe that the start of the essay comparing tuition fees to the way a person learns, is out of place. Rather, I would have instead compared the two programs (my current university as opposed to UIUC) and launched into an explanation of how the program at my current university no longer fits or is limited in scope when compared my career plans. Then the choice to transfer to UIUC will become not only clearer but appear to be a necessity for someone who has serious academic and career goals. The first part of your essay is too trivial in approach and does not really present any solid reasons towards the need for you to transfer. There is no need to give a background of your history in the United States. Just answer the question outright or present an introductory response that gives a solid direction or reason for your transfer, expanding upon it in succeeding paragraphs.

Scholarship / I do not posses the required funds to cover the cost of the program - CET Summer study scholarship [3]

Konstantin, rather than using a line of reasoning that makes you sound like a spoiled brat, why not appeal for the scholarship based upon your positive qualities and traits that will be further honed and enhanced by your participation in the summer study program? Remember, just because you want to attend some activity and your parents cannot afford to pay for it, does not mean you deserve to get the scholarship. You need to present plans for your future development that align with the scholarship program you are applying to and your personal objectives as well. Right now, your scholarship letter does not really present any appealing and strong reason that should make you a strong contender for the scholarship. Remember, you need to make yourself stand out from the other applicants. So present positive traits and goals rather than complaints in your essay. That is what the scholarship committee will remember the most with this current essay, that you are complaining about being the youngest child and your parents having spent on the children before you so you can't get what you want. That is not the image you want to portray when applying for a scholarship. Revise the essay to show your positive traits.

Scholarship / Good academic record, service work makes me an ideal candidate to be considered for a scholarschip [5]

You want to format this letter in such a way that you do not repeat the contents of the documents you have submitted for their consideration. Instead of writing everything in paragraph form the way you have now, I suggest that you keep this essay down to 3 paragraphs. Using the first paragraph to introduce yourself as a candidate then the second paragraph will be in bullet form, highlighting your achievements and accomplishments (both academic and extra curricular) which you believe they should note in your application. Finally, the third paragraph will reiterate your interest in pursuing your academic studies with their help, explaining the reasons why you need the scholarship in order to fulfill your tuition needs. Reasons such as being a self-supporting student and the like should help your application.

Graduate / My thesis led me to a deeper understanding of what the future holds for me. [5]

Elith, you can actually use both as a basis for your desire to work in an advanced field of interest in Supply Chain Management. You can start by explaining that you have a long experience in sales retail where you were exposed to the most basic foundation of supply chain management. Explain how you felt that more could be done to help your store branch receive the supplies faster and more efficiently as the store was suffering from a backlog of client orders and reservations. Imagine how you would have improved that setting and use that work experience in that context. Then, as a translator, explain how you have an understanding of the international basis of business these days and that having experience as a language translator has always been beneficial in your line of work as you manage to talk to some clients in their native tongue, making them feel at home and eventually leading to better purchases for your store. Explain how you see that relating to the supply chain management international supply situations. Expanding on those using my suggestions should help strengthen your essay to a point where it will be more than usable :-)

Writing Feedback / You don't have to work hard to be successful, just be lucky. [2]

Even though you were not given a format for your paper, you should have used the default MLA formatting for this essay. I see that you have a number of quotations and references to the original source of the information in the essay, but you failed to give a proper citation for it. In all higher level academic papers, proper quotation of sources whether in-text or paraphrasing, must be properly noted or referred to within the text in order to give the essay a sense of validity. The in-text citation should include the author's name and original title of the work in quotation marks within a parenthesis.

About the content of your paper, you are supposed to argue both sides of the issue. However, you did not successfully do that. The feel of your essay instead comes across as a persuasive essay rather than an argument one. If you review what you wrote, you only discuss the "work hard" part of the argument in great detail. The "lucky" part is only a mention at the beginning, thus creating the persuasive point of view instead. If you revise the paper to discuss the "lucky" part in the same depth as the "work hard" you will be able to create a better argumentative paper.

Graduate / My thesis led me to a deeper understanding of what the future holds for me. [5]

Don't you have any current professional experience to present in support of your statement of purpose? Since there are only 30 slots available, you can expect to be in tight competition with the other applicants. A majority of them will be presenting impressive professional work experience, training, and other relevant professional information in their statements. What you need to do is highlight your professional expertise, present as much seminars and training experience that you have completed, and scale back on the college information. As a masters degree student, your college education is no longer as important as you think it is. Masters students apply for higher studies due to immediate professional needs, which tie in directly to the long and short term goals of the applicant. If you can reflect that information in your essay, you should be at least in a competitive position as the others once you submit your documents. The current SOP that you have is not really the kind that will present you in the best professional light (which is of the utmost importance in your application) and may not help your application the way you think it will.

Graduate / Courses and work with foreign people helped me develop global perspective and independent thinking [3]

Your essay has pretty solid information to present with regards to your statement of purpose. However, the beginning of the essay is weak. Don't spell out all of your academic accomplishments for the admissions officer. A masters degree student is expected to be able to present more of his professional expertise as the basis of your application rather than you academic accomplishments in college. Your college education should only be a mere mention and should not take up more than a paragraph. Concentrate your essay more on your professional career, your professional training, seminars completed, and explain how this university in particular will be able to help you achieve your long and short term goals as a professional. Rework your introduction as well. Right now, your introduction is not strong at all and is an empty statement which will only disinterest the admissions officer instead of interesting him in learning about your purpose for application. Present your purpose within your introductory paragraph in order to formulate an effective hook that will provide the needed teaser for him to continue reading your essay.

Writing Feedback / "Your generation will be the one that changes everything" - ENG101 [3]

You are right about your essay rambling on. It also deviates from the basic compare and contrast format towards the end as you discuss much broader topics than just your parents. Later on in your essay, you seem to be tackling on the whole debate regarding the generation gap. Try to bring more focus and direction to your essay by stepping back and examining the relationship that you currently have with your parents. What do you normally argue about? How do they say your generation is different from theirs? Base the essay content on just one or two of those topics for the most effective compare and contrast discussion. Remember, the point of this issue is not to just keep pointing out the differences between you and your parents, but also, to compare how you are alike in some ways. Strike that balance in the way you write the essay and your rambling should stop. Limit the topics for your discussion and you will find focus and a central theme for the essay as well.

Writing Feedback / Is it a good idea to compete for the right to host international sport events? [2]

You need to lengthen this discussion when it comes to the part about your personal opinion on the matter. I feel that your discussion about the economic benefits of bidding for international competitions is quite weak. It lacks a personal point of view that shows a deeper understanding of the economics behind the events and the benefits that the overall economy of a nation can gain from hosting it. Your personal point of view in this essay is supposed to be the most compelling opinion explained here. It should be the one that could either tip the balance in favor or not in favor of your chosen side. Please discuss it better and make sure to create a strong, understandable, and believable platform for your position.

Writing Feedback / Should we choose a job to earn more money or to have a contribution to the society? [2]

I absolutely love the personal opinion that you present in this essay. By showing that there is actually a balance to be found between the need for money and job satisfaction, you have widened the net for the discussion on this topic. It has created food for thought for the reader and allows the reader to take a step back so that he or she can think about what the real reason they have for their job is and in the process, find satisfaction in what they are doing. This is an essay that clearly looks at all the sides involved. The depth of the discussion is enough to present evidence that you gave a great deal of thought to the sides presented in the discussion. Keep up the good work :-) Your writing is improving with every essay. Just don't give up.

Writing Feedback / Should employees be allowed to do some work from home? [3]

This is a well discussed essay that covers all of the topics that you need to discuss regarding telecommuting and office work. However, instead of using just mothers at the example of people who will benefit from working from home, why not use a more neutral example. For example, discuss how some people work better when allowed to simply deliver their tasks without supervision. The existence of the home amenities often translates into a more relaxed and comfortable work atmosphere for other home based employees and thus, aids in a better result in terms of work productivity. Since your opinion is also being asked for, why not place yourself in both situations and explain why you feel that you would work better in a particular situation? Do you think that would work for you in this essay?

Graduate / After graduation, I will be involved in the Hospitality industry. Post study plan. MBA. Glion (GIHE) [2]

Your post study plan is not unique in its approach. You are basically telling the admissions officer about plans that almost all other applicants will be saying. What the essay needs is a post graduation plan that will stand out from the rest of the applicants. Try to create a career progression plan for yourself. One that starts with working as an employee in the hospitality industry, gaining work experience that will enhance your professional profile alongside your academic training, then end it with a broad ambition statement. How do you see yourself reshaping or injecting a new sense of vitality into your F&B, HRM community? Try to think forward 5-10 years. Maybe you have plans for a new kind of hotel service, food service, etc. that could be a new standard in the hospitality industry? Relate those plans and how you plan on achieving it. That is the kind of plan that normally stands out for these applications.

Undergraduate / Making the world a better place, even for the underprivileged drives - why I chose this program? [5]

The rest of the essay at the moment is fine. However, once you change the direction of the essay to reflect a more specific educational goal or objective, you may find that changing the rest of the essay will be required in order to better reflect, represent, and explain your educational goals. It would perhaps be best for you to write 2 versions of your revised essay. The first one, will revise only the part that i am suggesting and the second one, will hold a totally new essay that, to your understanding, better supports your essay thesis. After completing the revision work, you can then compare the two essays and then decide for yourself which essay works best for the purpose of your essay.

Scholarship / The dies had been cast before I was born, setting in motion many hardships and struggles [2]

Hi Angelica, I brought the essay down to 289 words by focusing the content more on your story rather than your mother's. I also did not rewrites in certain sentences to make it flow better and deliver a stronger message. I hope this works for you :-)

The die had been cast before I was born, setting in motion many hardships and struggles. At the time my mother was pregnant with me and my brother was three years old, my father had a stroke leaving him mentally and physically disabled. The state of New Mexico declared my mother "unfit" to care for my father plus two children and issued a legal separation between them. My mom, my brother and I were then forced to move to Bernalillo and live in low-income housing. Growing up in the projects, I never saw much of a future for myself. I saw how unsuccessful the older kids growing up around me turned out to be. They ended up either dropping out of high school, going to jail, doing drugs or getting pregnant. I thought that I was doomed to this same fate. I thought that because I was poor, I was not intelligent and would never amount to anything, because of this thought I never really tried at school but somehow managed to get by with decent grades. It was not until middle school that I realized that academics could be my way to a better life. I realized that my circumstances were not limitations, all that mattered was how hard I was willing to work. It was like a switch went on in my head asI poured every ounce of my being into my school work. I put in extra hours studying and staying after school for tutoring. Academics became an outlet for me and I now have a positive outlook towards the future. I feel empowered and excited in knowing that I am in total control of my life and have the power to do anything I want.

Undergraduate / Chemistry sparked my first friendship - Johns Hopkins University essay [6]

Ngoc, there is just something uncomfortable about the way your essay reads. It seems like it is trying too hard to become intellectual. Let me show you a more relaxed, yet still academic way of writing this essay. This comes in at 284 words:

I come from a world of student assistance. As an unofficial tutor to my classmates who needed help in Chemistry, I look forward to doing the same for my future classmates at JHU. The aid that I offer my classmates goes far beyond Chemistry. I am more than willing to help them study for their other classes as well because I believe that it is through the shared experience of study, or learning, that we will come to bond together as classmates and peers.

The experience that I wish to continue building upon at JHU is one that I firmly believe in as my current experience with helping my peers with their own Chemistry learning problems has shown me that no man can honestly claim to be an expert in any field. In fact, by helping my current classmates and friends with their lessons, I have found that i have come to learn more about the subject, topic, and my own strengths, as well as weaknesses as a person, student, and tutor.

As a tutor at North Seattle College, I found that Chemistry and Math challenged me the most, fueling my passion for more learning in the field of Chemistry even though I sometimes struggled to make myself understood by my peers who did not have as strong a foundation as I in the field. By coming to JHU, I look forward to igniting the same passion and desire for Chemistry and other subjects that I have within my peers. I am confident that together, we will be able to find the answers to their questions, if I do not have the answers ready for them yet. Which will be rare and far between.

The essay that you need to write should only be this simple and informative. You do not need a complex back story to respond to it. Your back story instead diminished the impact of any contribution that you wish to make to the JHU community. Use the above as a template, or in totality if you wish.

Scholarship / To me, invent something is a dream for a lifetime. Scholarschip Statement of Purpose [4]

Basically, you should explain your interest in the field and how the advanced studies will help you fulfill it. From there, you should also mention the scholarship program and how their program / donation to your studies can help you become a successful student. Try to cut down most of your essay to only the most important information that covers any or all of the following:

1. The reason you wish to attend this summer program
2. Why you feel that this summer program is something that can help you achieve future success.
3. How the mission and vision of the scholarship program can help you give back to your community.
4. The specific reasons why you feel you should be awarded the scholarship. While financial incapacity is the common reason used, you should try to come up with a new reason. Perhaps something that implies how you require additional resources in order to cover the costs, thus making it appear that the scholarship will be helping you, not shouldering all your expenses.

I hope to read your revised essay as soon as you can get to writing one :-)

Undergraduate / Making the world a better place, even for the underprivileged drives - why I chose this program? [5]

Rather than giving a generic response such as "making the world a better place", try to come up with a more solid reason for wishing to pursue this academic field. You need to present a specific idea of the career goals that you have set for yourself and how your educational goals relate to it. Within 900 characters, you can manage to present both if you do not make your essay sound like a student invitation brochure that indicates common knowledge information about the university to the admissions officer. Try to explain a more definite goal such as "creating an improved water filtration system that will set a new international standard" or something similar. This type of educational goal will then allow you to use information that you know about the university, such as their mentor, training, or internship programs, that can help you achieve that final goal. This essay asks you to present your familiarity with the university and your chosen major in the briefest but most informative way. So try to deliver that.

Scholarship / If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish - you feed him for a lifetime [4]

Definitely. Your essay has to come full circle in order to properly plead your case with the scholarship committee. Reinforce the connection between the success of your academic career with the scholarship grant and the eventual benefits that your community will receive once you return to your mother country to help your community. Keep in mind that the scholarship wants to know how you will be able to help your community, so you need to highlight the facts relating to how the grant will help you achieve your academic and professional goals. It is important that you properly distribute the word count (if you have one) to accurately present all of the information that will help you become a good scholarship candidate.

Scholarship / To me, invent something is a dream for a lifetime. Scholarschip Statement of Purpose [4]

Rieny, when you are applying for such an important masters degree scholarship, it is more important to highlight your future and your current potential as a professional and a student. The essay you currently have is quite long and does not really have a specific direction except to be a biographical statement on your part. To make your writing more effective, please consider sharing your ideas for a future goal that you have set for yourself with the scholarship committee members. Let them know how important this scholarship is to you because of the benefit that society can gain from your advanced studies. Highlight the fact that you have a unique dream and ability that will be wasted if you are not given the proper financial help to assist you in achieving those lofty ambitions and dreams. Assure them that supporting your studies will not be a waste of their finances due to various professional and personal reasons. Having a proper direction for your future career oftentimes inspires the reader to support the applicant.

Undergraduate / Flex Path submission for WPI - I have created a portfolio exhibiting my artwork and sewing projects [3]

Try to deepen the meaning of the reasons why you chose to submit a portfolio for your application instead of your test scores. Try to explain why you feel that your work speaks better for you than any grades you can submit. Then offer an insight into the reasons why you chose to to submit a self portrait, and hand sewn materials. The explanations you have right now are too shallow and narrow minded in expression. What you need to do is expand upon the explanations by opening yourself up to the admissions officer and letting him feel the emotions, sentiment, and thoughts behind the works that you chose to submit. Offering an opportunity to the admissions officer to see who the person is behind the work is the key to making your portfolio more effective in stating your case for admission.

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree: Students need one year of break after finishing high school [4]

Since this is an agree of disagree essay, you should have also represented the side of the discussion that states how a gap year benefits the students who have just graduated from high school. Remember, some of these kids could be coming from financially strapped families and a gap year is the only way they might be able to eventually attend college. You said so yourself the work market is highly competitive now, and some of the blue-collar jobs, can be filled by simple high school graduates. Allowing high school graduates to take a gap year would enable them to mature more fully and truly decide upon what their college major should be because they will have experienced real life and by then, know what niche they will want to fill in the world. An A/D essay needs to view both sides of the issue in order to have a balanced discussion. One or two paragraphs of the opposing point of view would have helped to balance your work.

Undergraduate / When I was college hunting, I put my eyes out for liberal arts colleges. Knox supplemental essay. [2]

Okay, it was a bad idea to simply cut and paste the mission, vision, and objectives of the university as taken from their website. Your essay should reflect a kinship between yourself and the university. This is seen in the way that you explain how you share their mission and vision by sharing who you are as a person. Make sure to highlight the traits that you have which the admissions officer may find interesting as it is a close personification of the information you took from their website. Remember, you are not supposed to tell the admissions officer information they already know about their university, you are supposed to tell them about what interested you in seeking admission to their university, be it academic or their student community, be creative and unique. Don't give them a standard template essay as you have now.

Undergraduate / Where words or actions are not able to produce. Parsons The New School Artist Statement revision. [5]

Definitely knock the fancy words down a notch or two. Your essay will be better for it. I would place the inclination for painting in various mediums at the top of the essay. That way the admissions officer won't have to sort through the whole essay just to get the answer to the prompt. The more direct you can make your statement the better. Remember, flowery is good when you are writing creatively. When you are writing a word limited essay with the person who is assigned to read it also having to read about a hundred more essays to read within the day, it is always best to just answer the question directly. No beating around the bush. Save the reader time because if you place too many creative words, he could lose interest in what you have to say. More so if he has to sort through a long essay just to be able to "think" about what your actual response is.