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Posts by EF_Susan
Joined: Oct 31, 2009
Last Post: Mar 28, 2016
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Posts: 2310  
From: USA

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EF_Susan   
Nov 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "Columbia University will challenge me and motivate" [3]

C U values a large student body and encourages individuality, so its students are diverse, dynamic and intriguing.

Boasting one of the top law programs, Columbia University will help me significantly prepare for being a really good ---This sounds juvenile...how about 'competent', or some word like it?

If I am part of a program that demands the best, I will want to exceed that and be the greatest.
EF_Susan   
Nov 21, 2010
Graduate / Anthropology and its holistic approach - Personal Statement Graduate Essay [2]

Your first paragraph sure is an attention grabber!

I was spending a month in the West Bank with a group of international volunteers, helping to bring food to Palestinian families who were unable to leave their homes because of military curfews.

... but after my first year I decided to take some time off and live it for myself.

Anthropology, I believe, is a powerful tool which can help people understand each other across deep divides of borders, languages, and barbed-wire checkpoints.---This is powerful writing!

Many of the classes I ended up enjoying more, were the ethnic studies classes...

Upon graduating, I would like to do field work in Juarez, Mexico which has the highest level of crime in the Western world, and to explore how this violence affects people living there, especially journalists, who risk their lives on a daily basis.
EF_Susan   
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "My grandfather" - Common app personal essay- person of influence. [3]

From time to time, I take out one of those old photo albums that my family keeps tucked away on the shelves. I constantly flip through each page, ...

A hope of staying by the ones who nurtured his small body with their own gigantic hands, giving him the hope of growing and becoming as big as those who would stay with him to this very day.

I can still feel her voice lingering in my mind whenever I do something wrong. I can still feel her kindness guiding me to a path of happiness.

I hope one day to find a cure for cancer so Nai nai will not have died in vain and that millions of other patients like Nai nai can prevail.

This summer, I have dedicated five weeks to attending a pre-college program at...

I think that at the beginning of paragraph 2, you should mention again the photo album, recalling these happy times as you look through it. This is because it's written in the present tense, so it would make it clearer. Nice essay!
EF_Susan   
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Corruption, chaos, hostility! (Experience, risk Personal Essay Evaluation) [4]

In the winter of 2009, at the tender age of fourteen, I was exiled to a far away , barbaric land.

At least, that's how being forced to attend a youth mission trip to the remote village of Ifewara, Nigeria seemed to me.

... there was no way I, a girl accustomed to fast food and faster text messaging, could live in the poster city for destitution.-----This is great writing!

... the mud houses lined with straw mats and despondence, ---again, this is so good.

... I ended up going during my spare time every day that week even if it was just to sing ...

Your essay is well written and interesting! You sure have a great way with words. Good luck in school and have fun!
EF_Susan   
Nov 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "following my family's wishes" - Evaluate a Significant Risk-Macaulay Honors Essay [2]

I have been conditioned to please, learning everything from how to ensure that there is never a streak on a clean window, to mastering the art of cooking rice.

One might compare me to a perfect solider, armed only with detergent and a ladle.----This is great writing!

I have learned my family's version of respect, when spoken to, look the speaker in the eyes, when being reprimanded, look at the speaker's feet.

I can look at any person in the eyes,yet this does not signify my respect for them.

Out of respect, I to have followed the laws of my family, often going against my own judgment to please others.

I could not conform myself to their limitations when it came to choosing a school.

As my mother looked for places that had suburban campuses and other superficial qualities, I searched for schools ...

Though some may say this life seems ideal, I struggle to see any fulfillment in it.

I really like the way you write! Good luck in school!
EF_Susan   
Nov 17, 2010
Undergraduate / UCF,"family culture" and "unique characteristics." [2]

It is not every day that you find yourself jumping from eighth period English to a flight from Miami to Paris.

Nor is it a common occurrence to be sitting in U.S history...

In the United States, I feel the relentless drive to be a part of the modern world and it's influence on the future.

... who shaped the modern world we live in today; these are the people who I aspire to embody in my future.

-----------------------------------

Coming from divorced parents who, for the most part, lived across the world from one another, at any given time, I was not a stranger to hardship.

The men and women looked tired and worn from the long days of working in the humid heat that felt suffocating if you remained in it too long.

It was a constant reminder that there are people in the world who have nothing, and I knew that I wanted to become part of the solution to that problem. in my future.

I can hope to bring a well-rounded individual, who is passionate and driven to b e the best I can possibly be, ...

Your essays are very well thought out and well written. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan   
Nov 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Culture/Roadblock in life, UCF Application essay [2]

Being part of the Haitian culture has influenced many aspects of my life.

Every day I try to emulate the drive and hard work that got her through her hardest times.

I am confident in my ability to overcome whatever challenges I will face.

The next year will mark the beginning of the most important time of my life.

For the ending, you could say that you come from a long line of strong women and will live up to your heritage?
EF_Susan   
Nov 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "If I was suddenly unable to play music...." Oberlin conservatory admissions essay [2]

It' s hard for me to imagine my life without my ability to play music.

Creating music has been a central part of my life ever since I was very young, to the point where I can hardly imagine my life without it. ---You should change this, as you just said it it the previous sentence.

However, the music world has so many different sides to it, playing an instrument is only one of them.

I could teach, or conduct, or compose, or even become a sound engineer.

There is such a small, wonderful window of opportunity for music in childhood, that is being ...

Learning music is like learning a new language; it is almost impossible to gain a full mastery unless it is introduced and studied in childhood. ----You shouldn't state this as fact, because most musicians probably didn't start in childhood. You could say 'it SEEMS almost ...'

Besides the fact of ease in learning while they're young , students who study music simply do better in school.----Are you sure about this?

My goals for my future career have always been to do something that makes me feel like...

Your essay is coming out fine, but I think you should write a little more about being a pianist. At what age did you begin to play? Was it because it was taught in school?
EF_Susan   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "a career in economics once I graduate" - George Washington Supplement [3]

Sure, I had heard of GW partly because my best friends sister went there.

Looking back, I laugh at my ignorance for ruling out George Washington University before I knew what it was really all about and what it had to offer.

Ever since visiting the U.S. capital and George Washington University campus, I have been drawn to the international atmosphere, which is unlike anywhere else in the United States.

Helping toAttaining a stable and dependable global economy is one of the challenges the world faces in trying to rebound from the financial crisis of 2008.

Whilst in the process of taking AP Economics in high school, I have found out that it is my interest and passion that I intend on pursuing at a higher level of education.

I know that George Washington will allow me to do this, which is why it is at the top of my list.

Sorry it has taken so long to get to your essay, we've been pretty swamped here. I hope everything goes well for you, and good luck in school!
EF_Susan   
Nov 15, 2010
Scholarship / "Multilingual, learning disabled brother" - How I overcame difficulties in my life. [2]

In my life I have learned to overcome difficulties. These difficulties which have helped me develop the strength, skills, and character needed to succeed.

To begin with, academically, it takes more for me to fully grasp new concepts.

By doing so, I had to study harder but it was worth it. The value of hard work has been taught to me by my mom, who raised my brother and me alone, and taught us the value of an education.

Being multilingual is the skill that I am proud of; it has enabled me to help others.

She knew that he was smart and told him to always strive for the best.

Seeing Alex strive so relentlessly at school yet none-the-less , make just passing grades was reason enough for me to push myself.

He has been, and children like him will always be, my motivation to become a teacher who not only cares but who will make a difference in their lives.

You don't mention until the end of your essay, that you want to become a teacher. I think you should mention this in the beginning too, so it all ties together. Being bilingual will be a big plus as a teacher!
EF_Susan   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / From Philippines to America, a humble and hard working family - Rutgers Essay [2]

Rutgers seems to be a miniature model of our world.---Nice sentence!

I hope to learn, experience, and create a network at Rutgers and in turn, share my experiences, ideas, and culture.

My parents brought our family to America from our homeland, the Philippines, in hopes of finding opportunities to improve our lives.

Every time I visit, I have to readjust because I've become so accustomed to the American culture.

Your essay is coming along fine, but maybe you should write one more sentence at the end, about how you will share your heritage, adding more color to the tapestry of Rutgers...something like that. Good luck in school and have fun!
EF_Susan   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "a conservatively Christian home" - USD supplement help? [3]

My home and family have always been a mixture...This sentence would be much stronger if you add to it, like, a mixture of what?

This aspect of my life alone, has taught me the importance of acceptance, and tolerance.

These two tools that I've been blessed with ...

My participation in student government has not only emphasized the importance of tolerance, but also taught me the importance of humanity.

Being in the school band as a student leader also taught me the importance of having a passion for something, and the perseverance and determination to reach it.

As a student at the University of San Diego, I feel I would contribute to the university community by passing the things I've learned, thanks to my background and interests, along to others.

Many people have different blessings, but teaching someone these skills; humanity, tolerance, acceptance, passion, perseverance and determination; instills tools of life which are a blessing each person should have.
EF_Susan   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "Tied with nature, economics programs" -Why Hamilton? Hamilton's supplement essay [2]

In my search for the perfect college , my first criterion for colleges was the institution's area.

I remember dismissing many colleges for having a small area, as a small area meant less nature. ---I would scrap this sentence, you don't need it.

After spending countless hours in the search for a college that matched my ideal , I came across Hamilton College.

I am particularly drawn to Hamilton, due to their strong emphasis on recycling and its attempts to conserve the environment.

The charisma of environmental conservation has intrigued me since I was a young boy, but due to such social restrictions, I haven't been able to actively engage in protecting and conserving the environment.

But I believe that through Hamilton, my desire to study environmental conservation definitely won't go unanswered.

I love to write and am looking forward to sharpening my writing skills at Hamilton.---You're very good at it already, they'll be lucky to have you as a student.

Academics aside, the admissions staff has always been obliging in answering my questions.
EF_Susan   
Nov 15, 2010
Book Reports / Inequality in A Thousand Splendid Suns - Quote needed [2]

The title of the book refers to a phrase from the poem "Kabul", by the 17th-century Iranian poet Saib-e-Tabrizi. I think a line from the poem would be perfect, and here's an example;

One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs
And the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls

Here's the poem in its entirety, but if this isn't what you're looking for, you could look at The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, which has many little chapters on life, love, children, war, and several others. Good luck with your essay! Here's the poem;

Kabul - oldpoetry.com/opoem/28283-Mirza-Muhammed-Ali-Saib-Kabul
EF_Susan   
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Communications to help people in India and in the world" Ohio State University Essay [2]

College is a time when students further their education in order to achieve their goals for the future.

. According to the NRC, Ohio State University's S chool of Communications was recently ranked third overall in the field, and is among the elite communications programs.

This convinces me that Ohio State University is the school where I can get the best possible education in communications, to strive towards...

Driving home every day I saw a girl around my age, her emaciated...
EF_Susan   
Nov 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "sympathetic solutions, essay on empathy" - princeton supplement [2]

It was just another day at school,when my best friend came up to me and said, ...

A long minute of uncomfortable silence followed ,
in which I tried to recover from the shock and envisage as to why a person who I thought had the best in life, who was always upbeat and cheerful, had suddenly fallen off the edge.

I inquired about what the reason was, and she gradually began pouring her heart out to me.

... when she discovered that he had been cheating on her, so she brok e up with him.

It was a sad coincidence that my friend's mother had her cell phone at that point of time.

I realized that she needed to be reassured that people who mattered to her, loved her too.

I comforted her, reiterating the fact that it wasn't her fault, while also emphasizing that no matter how tough life is, suicide is never an option.

I also persuaded her to talk to her mother, and when she did, her mother realized her own fault.
EF_Susan   
Nov 13, 2010
Undergraduate / The international student association, Rice: what will you contribute? (culture) [3]

Growing up, I have always taken for granted...

Living in the Caribbean country of Trinidad and Tobago all of my life, has exposed me to, and given me a great appreciation for a vast number of different cultures.

I will bring these cultures with me to this university, adding cultural diversity and cultural awareness to the school community.

In Trinidad, numerous cultures live in harmony, each with their own dress, food, music, religions , norms and even language.

Living in this type of multi-cultural society, has molded me into a very receptive person, open to many different cultures, as there is nowhere in the world where so many different religions and cultures are accepted.

... learn about cultures, festivals, food, and many other things unique to the Caribbean, like the Steelpan and Carnival.
EF_Susan   
Nov 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / How War and/or Militarization changes gender roles (5 paragraphs) [2]

The military and war, helps to formulate our understandings of patriotism and this country.

As soldiers and civilians exposed to war, they risk violations of their basic human rights. Like what?

War and militarization affects gender roles in families of the wives and parents of soldiers, as well as displaced families of war-torn countries. ------I do not understand this sentence at all...'families of the wives and parents of soldiers'?

... example of support, moving around or even changing jobs to support her husband's military career. ------This makes it sound like soldiers don't get payed, they do.

"As Lutz states, "there is no workplace more supportive of a masculine identity centered in power, control and violence" (517). ---------good point!
EF_Susan   
Nov 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Dad immigrated to America from Barbados, Summer bridge essay [4]

I come from a Low income family that relies on government assistance.

My mom never took an interest in school and later dropped out. My mom stressed to my brothers and sisters the importance of getting an education,...You should change this a little bit, like maybe say that when your mother was in school she dropped out, and has always wished she hadn't. Then that would be the reason she stressed the importance of getting an education.

I was also part of Student Government, where I got acquainted...

As a senior, I know having a college education is a very...

Through your Care program, I will be given the tools to succeed, in life and the support and guidance needed and to get through my transition from high school to college and to be a more productive citizen.

Finally with Summer Bridge, I would have the opportunity to advance my education at Florida State University, w hich would guide me to be a better person, in life and further prepare me for life's challenges.
EF_Susan   
Nov 13, 2010
Essays / Documented Essay concerning the mosque that is to be built near Ground Zero [2]

Hi Tiffany,

The way I check for plagiarism is to google selections of text and see what answers I get. If you post your essay here and include your full name in your profile, I would find the essay here with your name next to it. But I don't blame you for wanting to be careful!

The Mosque near ground zero is controversial, because the effort to build it is called the "Cordoba Initiative," and the "Cordoba" refers to a giant mosque that was built in Cordoba Spain, and I think it is associated in many people's minds with the idea of Islam conquering the western world. So, the arguments against the mosque are based on the idea that the name of the Cordoba Initiative is intended to be like a celebration of a victory at ground zero, which would not be appropriate.

The other side of the argument is that freedom of religion is obviously an important American value. And the name Cordoba also is associated with an era of peace that occurred after the victory in Spain, and so instead of referring to an Islamic victory it could simply be referring to the ideal of peace.

Anyway, the most important thing is for everyone to try to heal up and be tolerant, especially at Ground Zero. I look forward to reading what you write about it!

Google around to find videos with Imam Rouf and the other people who are speaking about this issue! There is a lot of info online...
EF_Susan   
Nov 10, 2010
Undergraduate / I don't fit in the stereotypes, Chinese culture - where you come from: UC Prompt #1: [3]

Walking up and down the streets of Chinatown, I could smell the hot, steamy, juicy scent of dim sum, the sweet, savory scent of pastries, hear the booming sounds of Chinese music, and see the eye-catching, sparkling dresses of Chinese culture.

Being raised mostly in American culture, going to Chinatown always interests me because it's like a different world.

Throughout my whole life, there have been times when I've been affected by the stereotypes that have been placed upon us.

Despite all the hard effort I put into my school work, it still feels like I've failed, compared to others.

I am able to be my own person who likes to watch sports, listen to all types of music, and dream of being able to travel around Asia.

Though I'm not a strongly religious person, ...

Recently, my sister introduced me into Asian music, and it too has influenced me to learn more about Asian-American studies...
EF_Susan   
Nov 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "go as far as I can in this world" where you come from, your aspirations [2]

In some ways, you could say that I shouldn't have achieved all the accomplishments that I have.

Never concerned with me, my dad always chastised me for all things academic.

I needed an A plus not an A minus. I needed to join all the volunteer services and join all the honor classes, no matter the toll it took on me .

I had no visible boundaries as to who I could be.

Instead, I used both of my parents values to explore the endless opportunities I had. on the other side.

I was able to run free and find out exactly the person I wanted to be.

In the process, I became part of a rock band, I found my niche in mathematics, and along the way I associated myself with people that would support me.

With my new-found forte's I began to embark on an endless journey - to go as far as I can in this world.

Instead of choosing one, I fused both and going from there became what I am going to forever pursue. ---This sentence isn't clear, like fused both of what? Also, what will you forever pursue?
EF_Susan   
Nov 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "chemistry, the phenomenal curriculum, advising systems" - Northwestern Supplement [3]

While following my dream of contributing to the community in the field of chemistry,...

In my junior year, my most challenging class, AP Chemistry, turned into my favorite one, despite several sleepless nights of work.

After school, I read the textbook, and I tried all the problems from the books. Should this say, 'solving all the problems from...'?

My interest in chemistry grew, and my grade exactly reflected my efforts.

I found that Northwestern is the perfect place for me to learn both chemistry and its applications for the global well being .

One of the unique qualities of Northwestern is small classesexperience through Freshman Seminar which will not only improve my interpersonal communication skills but also fulfill my intellectual curiosity by providing a small class in which I can closely interact with the professor.

In particular, I am interested in taking "Technology, Medicine, and Health Care" because I have a strong interest in the public well being.

Drug research includes not only the development of new drugs, but also the evaluation of new treatments for safety and efficacy.

...and superb research programs will allow me to apply chemistry to real life and expand my imagination in ways in which chemistry can help humanity.
EF_Susan   
Nov 9, 2010
Graduate / "Pride, passion and perseverance" - physical therapy entrance essay [2]

That, in and of itself, was a tremendous personal achievement.

Discovering the answers to these questions soon followed, with my studies at Florida State University,...

I wanted to utilize my new found knowledge, starting with building a solid resume in my field of study.

I was in the perfect position to continue on my career path, and planned on applying to various schools for my doctorate in Physical Therapy.

I have been ready to pursue a career in Physical Therapy for quite some time and with all of my financial and family struggles behind me, I feel that now is the perfect opportunity for me to take the next step.
EF_Susan   
Nov 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "the social and cognitive forces", UC Psychology Major Transfer [2]

I have always been fascinated by the social and cognitive forces that influence human behavior.

This environment allowed me to continuously observe the patterns in the thinking and behavior of my parents and people with different personalities and points of view .

My curiosity to understand not only the physiology of the human brain, but the function of the enigmatic mind, sparked in me the penchant toward the field of psychology.

My passion to understand psychologically caused dysfunctions, prevent them and promote welfare and a healthy lifestyle, has caused me to choose clinical psychology as my area of study.

I believe that the University of California is the best institution for building a solid foundation for me and instilling the required knowledge to contribute to my long term career goals in clinical psychology.
EF_Susan   
Nov 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Family, drugs and alcohol - who has shaped my dreams and aspirations" [3]

I grew up as a child whose parents divorced when I was a year old, yet...

My life began in a house located on a narrow, oak-lined street, illuminated with sunshine, and I was surrounded by devoted family members.
As a child, I was raised by a single mother and guided through life by my two older sisters.

I have experienced firsthand, how drugs and alcohol can i...

I have always admired the determination of my family members, because it has allowed me to be the best student, daughter, and friend I could possibly be.

---------------
Growing up with an array of many possibilities for the future would have left most children bewildered and lacking decision, but for me,my future had already been decided.

Its times such as these that kept me ambitious and determined to follow the path I had set my mind and future on.
EF_Susan   
Nov 8, 2010
Graduate / "the author for the book of Your Life Story" - MBA admission essay. [3]

Learning Adaptability.... ...11
My parents were constantly on move due to government service, giving me an enriching experience of diverse cultures from an early age.

Making a comeback... ...60
My joy of getting into NITIE was short lived, as I was diagnosed with typhoid and was advised rest for a month.

Becoming Vice President.... ....90
My assertive yet friendly demeanor and leadership skills got me elected as the Vice President of the batch. ---the batch?

The p innacle of my Vice Presidency came in the roaring success of a mega corporate event called Lakshya.

Touching experience... ...135
As an active volunteer of a tribal welfare NGO, I have visited many remote tribal areas.

While the simplicity of their life appeals to me , the paucity of education and health facilities is distressing.
EF_Susan   
Nov 8, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Personal stat: criminal law, area of study and a person I would bring to life [2]

The courses that I am most likely to select, concern sociology.

I am interested in sociology, as I want to learn basic human nature and their social interaction.

I want to study the behavior of people, factors that affects their thinking patterns, and the external forces influencing their decision making.

-------------

If I could, I would most probably bring my mother to my ancestral home.

My mother died unexpectedly a few years ago, so there are a few things left unsaid.

I would just sit down and share all the experiences that I've had since she passed away and say the things that I didn't have the chance to say before she died.

I would share how I felt about her and tell her that everything is just fine and that I love her. ---This is so sad! I'm sure she's very proud of you. Good luck in school!
EF_Susan   
Nov 8, 2010
Undergraduate / positive role model, I have learned from my mother how to care for others [2]

For most people, childhood can no longer be relived, whereas I relive childhood every day through a group of toddlers ranging from 0-3 years old.

All I had to worry about was making sure they were entertained and were staying out of danger.

Now as I grow up into a young adult, my mother has held me responsible for new tasks.

Although this started out as an outlet to my stressful world, I am now yet again burdened with another responsibility.

She would push away the mushy grapes, spit out the skin of an apple, and resist from eating anything that smelled bad.

I spend hours interacting with her, ...who?

...positive role model not only for adolescents , but for people of all ages. My mother has taught me invaluable lessons, and I hope to pass them down to future generations.
EF_Susan   
Nov 8, 2010
Graduate / "Addressing problems by holistic ways" -Social Work Personal Statement--Grad School [3]

First of all, I would cut the whole first paragraph. The whole rest of your essay sounds serious and professional. I actually tell a lot of people to cut the first paragraph, as many are written before the writer has a clear idea of what they want to say. The paragraph is fine, but not quite in tune with the rest of your essay, which is excellent!

I grew up in a community of social structure and racial boundaries, but what I have learned through experiencing my father's alcoholism, is that addiction knows no social hierarchy. ---Well said.

The severity of the problem is exhibited by the children of addicted mothers : from birth, they are already at a disadvantage.

The mothers are eager to participate in counseling, but they often worry that their financial, health, and housing ...

Social work is about empowering a community through education and counseling in relationships, fighting for equality, and creating social change.

I know the clients are leaving the Drug Court team with the tools needed to form a self-sufficient lifestyle.

...I am able to be a mentor to women who have unplanned pregnancies and are at a loss as to how they will successfully parent their unborn child.

As a volunteer with this organization, I have learned about grant writing and how a non-profit organization can successfully serve a community.
EF_Susan   
Nov 8, 2010
Graduate / Physics statement of purpose to obtain Ph.D. in theoretical condensed matter physics [3]

However, I was able to persevere through my personal issues because I knew my father worked hard all his life in order to give me the best opportunities, and to see me succeed in my studies.

... the physics program offers many exciting research opportunities that will provide me with an intellectually satisfying experience.

The paragraph about your fathers illness doesn't sound like you are making excuses at all. All you have done up until your dad got sick, proves how serious and dedicated you are. Good luck in school.
EF_Susan   
Nov 8, 2010
Undergraduate / ("Princeton in the Nation's Service") How to Improve Princeton Supplement Essay? [30]

His rage was palpable; it burned fiercely, like a blazing oil slick on the surface of a storm tossed sea.

Although my body ached from the beating, I pressed on, my body shivering in the crisp and brumal air...should this say 'brutal'?

..., banishing the brumal midwinter's night chill. I just had to look this up, thank you for teaching me a new word!

Hate only survives when it goes to seed in the soul of the victimized, and its wicked roots spread outward. But hate will wither when those who suffer silently speak up and demand respect, as I have. ---This is powerful writing.

I will fight it, in efforts to empower all who suffer at the hands of the hateful. I will fight hate so as to achieve complete equality...
EF_Susan   
Nov 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "Time to get up! We're going hiking!" - UC prompt #1: The Hike Ahead [2]

"Time to get up! We're going hiking!" My dad pounded I slowly opened my eyes, moaned to myself, and slumped out of bed.---Add the first sentence to the first paragraph.

We finally found a sign indicating the waterfall to be another two miles ahead, so our choice was to either turn back, or continue our trek to the waterfall.

I walked with caution along the trail, keeping an eye out for sunbathing snakes, potholes, and poison oak that could result in a bitter end to a lovely day. ---This is great writing!

Nice essay

:)
EF_Susan   
Nov 7, 2010
Writing Feedback / What do people do and think when they decide to do shopping? (Essay for LLI class) [2]

===
Nobody can deny the importance of shopping's effect on people's daily lives .

Although shopping has become a common part of social activities, people don't think seriously about shopping, they just consider it a daily job or a task, and the focus is on whether it is done or not.

In the following essay, I want to tell shoppers that how shopping affects their daily livesfrom both physically and psychologically.

Before deciding to go to a mall or a market, they should make a plan which helps them know...

It is better for them to make a list, in case of forgetting something to buy, and they don't need to worry...

Both making a plan and having a budget belong to physical affects because these are what people need to do. -----I don't think these would be considered effects of shopping, as much as getting ready to shop.

Actually, this simple activity always influences people's feelings and thoughts.

When there is a traffic jam on the way to a market, or when...

In conclusion, sometimes shopping is like having a party; people need to prepare for it with their hearts in order to make it more effective and comfortable.

I like your ending!
EF_Susan   
Nov 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "Christianity and Religion" experience/concept that intellectually excites you... [2]

Continuing through my sophomore year, I began opening my mind to the various views of the world.

I became interested by the different interpretations people had of religious ideas such as those in the Bible.

From Arminianism to Calvinism, these different opinions brought me to challenge my religious leaders, seeking answers and evidence for what they taught.

I searched outside sources for a second opinion regarding other religions as well.

My curiosity reached the point where I would stay up late researching Mormonism and Buddhism, looking into their origins.

It has brought me to a full understanding of other religions without such a jaded and protected mentality many young Christians today have. ----This is great, there should be many more people like you.

For myself, I see Christianity and the Bible as a never ending opportunity for knowledge that challenges me beyond anything public school has offered me.

You don't come off as close minded or ignorant at all, quite the opposite! Good luck in school!

:)
EF_Susan   
Nov 6, 2010
Poetry / "I'm an extinct human" - personal poem [3]

I like your poem a lot! It feels wrong to help people with poetry, as if I were being asked to change the colors of a painting. Hmm, if it were mine;

About to begin my life
I found myself ready to walk, run and jump
into this adventure in which no one assures you to succeed ---can guarantee my success

This adventure in which a branch is an enormous tree ---I am a branch in an enormous tree

This adventure in which a water drop is the ocean ---I am a drop of water in the ocean

This adventure in which my heart is redder than my blood
This adventure in which I take little things that mean more than their size.
My past is frothy,
My life unusual,
My face peculiar,
My fate immense, ---future

I'm an extinct human--no one can find a similar.---a unique human
EF_Susan   
Nov 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "my educational desire to answer what I don't know" - Early Decision to Brown [3]

Your essay is very informative and well written, but you don't actually say anything about yourself, besides the fact that you know that there's enough information out there to keep you learning forever. Maybe you should tell what you want to study, or say something about why that school is special. It's a good essay, but doesn't really have anything to do with you academically or Brown University.
EF_Susan   
Nov 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Why are you drawn to biology, science, society. [2]

One day, I hope to give all the people of my country the chance to have a healthy lifestyle - something many of the Filipinos are deprived of today.

In order to see all this come true, I intend to become a doctor someday and join the Philippine's Department of Health.

I believe that BIOA especially, will give me all the preparation I need for medical school through its rigorous science program.

BIOA and SCSO, unlike other regular intensive science pre-med degrees, will teach me to understand how cold hard scientific data and human and societal behavior are interrelated. ---This is great writing!

Such an understanding will equip me with all that I need to become the doctor I aspire to be - not just an indifferent stranger in a white lab coat, but rather a humanitarian, a philosopher.
EF_Susan   
Nov 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Optional, open topic essay: "My first concert and it's signifigance" Feedback? [2]

It was one of those days you count down to, and prepare for, for weeks ahead of time, even when there's no preparing left to do.

Not soon enough, did I arrive at my destination...

It also provided me with something else, something I wasn't expecting, that caught me completely off guard.

My friends and I were declared the outcasts, from very early on in middle school.

Such a phrase is the only one that can resonate in my ears longer than the ringing did, after that incomparable day.

Although not everybody in this world is kind enough and open-hearted enough to appreciate that motto, ...

I hope this gets to you in time!!
good luck in school!

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