Scholarship / People that are nobody and wants to be somebody. APU Japan: Scholarship Essay [3]

Yasmin, you certainly had a lot to say in your essay. Unfortunately, nothing you had to say actually led me to understand why you feel you should be awarded this scholarship and how receiving this scholarship will help you achieve your educational goals. Your essay just rambles on about the merits of scholarships and how you first of people who apply for scholarships does not answer the prompt provided. In this particular statement, you must consider and concentrate on all the reasons and aspects of academic study that you will benefit from as a recipient of the scholarship. Explaining how you plan to spend the scholarship money, your dreams and goals for your future, and your current financial situation that requires you to seek a scholarship grant are all aspects of the statement that will help you to accurately respond to the question posed. What is the actual word limit of the statement response? Don't be afraid to go over the word limit as we can edit it down to the requirement, provided you finally have a response that will actually help you get into the running for the scholarship grant consideration :-)

Letters / Writing a petition to get into graduate school, despite my low GRE scores [2]

Right off the bat I can tell you that trying to discredit a national or international standardized test is not the way you want to go in your essay. While I agree with you that the test is not an accurate reflection of your true academic capacity and interest in the course, the point is that the test is a part of the consideration for some college and graduate degree courses. So rather than trying to discredit the exam, own up to your short comings that could have led to your low test scores and then explain how those events adversely affected your performance. Aim to get the admissions officer to sympathize with your plight more than anything else.

Offer an insight into your actual ability as a student, as a learner, and as a social person. While the GRE did not reflect those aspects of your personality, you can openly discuss your strengths as a student and social person. Try to deviate the attention of the admissions officer to your strong points. Explain your strengths in such a way that will negate the GRE test scores without having to constantly tear down the test and the validity of its results. You will not be doing yourself any favors by doing that. Instead, you could earn the ire of the admissions officers instead.

For a strong finish, concentrate on your ability to deliver more than what the GRE test score would lead them to believe that you can achieve. Explain that while you understand that the GRE is an integral part of your admissions consideration, you have high hopes that your other credentials, accomplishments, and achievements will far outweigh any GRE shortcomings you have.

Speeches / "The Courage to Dream Gives One the Courage to Persevere, Conquer and Influence" [4]

While it is good to use a historical figure to help illustrate the point of your essay, I believe that these types of essays always benefit the most from the sharing of a personal anecdote or story that shows how you had the courage to dream, persevere, conquer, and influence people. This sort of speech is inspirational in nature and more often than not, calls upon the writer to draw upon his personal experience in order to make a serious connection with his listeners. Keep in mind that Jackie Robinson, though a historic sports figure, belongs to a by-gone era and may not be familiar to all of the people listening to you. Try to come up with a more recent example or use yourself as the basis of your speech theme. It is important to have a story that can engage your listener and I do not think using a sports figure from the 20th century will be as effective as we might think it is. I would also limit the use of quotes from other people in the speech. You should be able to discuss the theme based upon your own understanding of the topic rather than relying on other people to explain the topic for you. Doing your speech that way will enable the listener to get a uniquely new perspective on the issue and thus, create a more effective speech for you.

Undergraduate / I was born in Toronto Canada, into a very troubled and unfortunate family; reasons for transferring [4]

Are you transferring from one college to another? That is normally the reason that a person writes a personal statement for transfer purposes. While I read a very detailed biography coming from you, I did not see any proper reason for your wish to change universities.I am assuming that you are currently enrolled in some university and wish to move to the University of Michigan for a specific purpose? If that is so, then you need to state the reasons that you wish to switch universities. That is not very clear in this essay as you concentrate solely on your biography which, does not really say much about your academic reasons for the transfer.

Now, as a personal essay, it is very effective in the sense that it shows your development as a person, your life trials, and how you overcame them. All of which as aspects covered in separate common app essays. This allows the admissions officer to learn more than normal about you and your background, the question is, when is too much information too much? Draw the line at some point regarding your personal information. Or choose to concentrate either on the effects of your move to the United States or the trials and tribulations that you had in adapting to your new country. It is always best to discuss and fully develop only one topic in a personal essay as opposed to half developed dual topics, which is currently the case with your essay. It would be to your benefit if you opted to develop the personal story that you best feel applies to the requirements or falls alongside the other common essay prompts that they university requires.

Essays / A experience that you would like to have? My adventure is to climb Mount Everest. [3]

While I agree that brainstorming the idea as to what will comprise an adventure for you is correct, it might be difficult for you to do that if you do not have any idea where to begin. I suggest that you Google the blogs of people who have already trekked to the top of Everest and look into the travel packages that are included in such adventure tours. Take note of the important or interesting aspects of those blogs or tour packages and then try to formulate your possible adventure using the experience of others and your research. Go to Youtube and look up "adventures on Mt. Everest" and learn from the vlogs of those who have already had their Everest experience. All of these can add up as you try to draft your adventure essay. Figure out which of the information you have noted appeals to you the most and then write your first draft based upon those collective adventures. You may find yourself imagining new adventures for yourself, original adventures, based upon what you begin to envision doing on your own trip from that point. Once you come up with those scenarios, you will have a first draft that we can effectively work on with you :-)

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

Marco, if you did not truly do any actual work related research for the book you wrote, perhaps it would be best to omit that for now, but make sure to mention it in your personal information sheet just in case it will have a positive effect on your application. Don't forget that the HR people are on the lookout for interns who can also enhance the working experience of the regular employees and who, in the future can be considered for regular employment. So don't discount the importance of being a published author. Instead, you can mention any actual experience that you have with relevant software programs. Make sure you have used the programs and that you have a degree of expertise in it as it may come in handy in your work as an intern. The cover letter, is just meant to be a summary of the information that you have submitted in document form to the HR of the company. It is not the only basis of your application so do not worry if it is sparse. It is supposed to be short and to the point because it is just a formal introduction of who you are and what they might expect of you. The true analysis of your application comes when they review the documents you presented along with the cover letter. If you have any relevant work experience that can prove your value as an employee (hard work, team player, etc.) then go ahead and present it. Make sure the letter does not become too long though. 3-5 quick paragraphs ought to suffice :-)

Writing Feedback / Modern technology has more negative effects than positive ones: Agree or disagree? [5]

Hi Ahmad, mo internet connection was lousy all day yesterday so I was not able to review your work as promised. I hope you won't mind a late review on my part. The work you did is insightful, contains up to date information about the effects of technology and social media on the lives of people and is effective in presenting food for thought for the reader's consideration. I found some grammar problems that can be easily corrected though. While similar to the corrections above, I have a different take on how to correct the sentences, if acceptable to you that is :-)


- Rather than saying that the argument cannot be true, I would instead have said that it is a debatable opinion based on the reasons that you cited.


- ... from face to face to an unrealistic...


- I would have rephrased this to the more professional sounding "Such a conclusion cannot be reached without being based on empirical research, which is often lacking in these types of claims and therefore, can be concluded only as having come from the personal opinion or prejudice of the person making the statement."


- ... who I love, but who, due to circumstances, are far away from me,


- ... right to a certain degree ,


- are some of the solutions posed to the current crucial problem of air pollution.


- ... to produce a cleaner atmosphere.


- ... in the phenomenal enhancement of medical science ...


-... by the less significant...
I hope this edit helps :-)

Speeches / "The Courage to Dream Gives One the Courage to Persevere, Conquer and Influence" [4]

What is the main theme for your essay? Is it supposed to be about courage alone or the story of the courage that Jackie Robinson had during his lifetime? Those are two different topics although both are based upon the premise of courage. Your essay should clearly center around one or the other instead of trying to deal with both in one speech. The start of your speech is about courage alone then suddenly shifts to the story of Jackie Robinson and his courageous life, before shifting gears again. That tends to confuse the listener. There is no clear transition nor explanation as to why the speech is set up this way. You need to use transition paragraphs in those instances. There are quite a number of grammatical errors which affect the overall enjoyment one would get from listening to the speaker, so that needs to be addressed. Not before we address the theme of the essay though. Improve and finalize the content of the essay then we can deal with the grammar error correction. Just so we can correct the final form instead of drafts.

Undergraduate / ...I would continue leading my Science Club - one of the activities [2]

Work more on the inspiration angle of your statement. Explain how the program inspired you to pursue STEM to a higher level and why you feel a sense of responsibility towards the newer members. There is no need to explain that the new members have less education that you. The members of the group are not important. All that you need to let the reader know, is why you would want to continue this activity and how you hope that by continuing to pursue it in college, you will be able to gain greater inspiration for yourself in your field of study. The inclusion of the information about your middle schoolers does not really help the essay in any way and only takes valuable word count from the actual development of your reasons for wishing to pursue this activity. Make it clear that there are continuing benefits to your participation in this club that you do not wish to miss out on. If that includes finding the next Einstien or inspiring others then let that thought be the last 2 sentences of your statement. It will have the most impact and will not affect the development of your statement if placed at the very end.

Undergraduate / "When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do" [2]

The best thing for you to do at the moment is to just write about what inspires you. You say that you want to talk about your curiosity and how it helps your art. So go ahead and discuss that. Just talk about whatever comes to your mind. Be as long and descriptive as possible. It does not matter if you feel like it is not answering the prompt, is a weak essay, or just does not feel right. What we need to draw out of you at the moment are the thoughts and feelings that will create the response to the essay. Draft those into a rough essay and post it here. We can then analyze the content for you and let you know which parts should be included, why and how it should be built up in your essay, and finally, how the chronological order of the discussion in the paper should be. The current introduction that you have is good, But I suggest that you open instead with the statement about your curiosity about art and the way you mother called it "concoctions" in order to write an interesting opening statement. The quote from Walt Disney should be put on ice for later use. Maybe as part of your closing paragraph or something. I am sure we can find a place for it if you really want to use it as a part of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / As the time progress, my body is struggling to handle the weight, empowered by the gravity. [2]

You should place the reference to the gym as the place that you feel most content somewhere at the start of your essay. If possible, make it a part of the hook in your introduction in order to immediately draw in the admissions officer and give him an idea of what kind of discussion will be flowing through your essay. After you do that, present a summarized idea of how you felt before you went to the gym rather than offering more than half the page to the questions and dissatisfaction you had prior to discovering the benefits of going to the gym. After that summary, you should fully discuss and develop the sense of contentment that you feel at the gym and why it is of the utmost importance to you. At the moment, that importance is a mere footnote in your essay app rather than one of the main parts of the essay. Remember that the contentment portion is one of the most important aspects of the experience you had at the gym, which is why you are being asked to describe and discuss that part of the place or environment in as vivid detail as possible. My suggestion is to merge the following 2 paragraphs in order to deliver a better content for your essay:


combined with:


makes more sense when read together as a paragraph rather than apart. Then this paragraph:


could become a part of your concluding paragraph. It feels like it has more impact as part of the end of your essay rather than having it in the middle portion.

Writing Feedback / While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenses. Share your opinion. [3]

While you discussed the benefits and drawbacks of being a working student in great detail, you forgot to answer one point of the essay. As I reviewed the essay again, in case I missed it, I tried to find any reference to how you felt about students having to work in order to help with their school expenses. That was referenced in the prompt through


I was hoping that your introductory paragraph or the 1st body would make reference to this question with a response from you. Yet I reached the end of the essay and did not really find out how you felt about students needing to take on work after school to help defray the cost of their studies. You really need to address that part since it was specifically mentioned in the prompt even before you were asked to discuss the drawbacks and benefits of being a working student. I suggest that you add that voice to your essay in order to bring the essay full circle and make it more responsive to the prompt provided. After you do that, we can work on the grammatical errors and sentence structure problems of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Online Shopping increase in our daily life [2]

Faraz, kindly review your essay for capitalization errors and problems. The country is called the United States and is always capitalized since it is a proper noun. You currently have it written as


. You also have words like price and product written with the first letter in capital when it should not be written that way. I understand that you may be wanting to emphasize those words for some reason but in this type of essay, you need to follow the proper written grammar rules otherwise your grade or score will be adversely affected. I am only commenting on the general errors in your essay at the moment as I am not sure about what the prompt you are responding to is at the moment. You need to provide that to us so that we can offer a better review of your written work. I have noted a number of grammatical errors that need to be corrected but I am refraining from pointing them out until I am sure that you have responded to the prompt properly. It is important to know that the response you wrote is correct before making any further changes so that we can limit the need to revise the content of the paper. I look forward to finding out what the prompt is.

Undergraduate / Outstanding character: volunteer helping my church leaders in any paperwork / joining lacrosse team [2]

Isabel, you took the meaning of the prompt too generally. Do not offer a generalized description of the way you accomplished the traits that were enumerated in the prompt. Take the time to actually offer solid examples of activities that you have participated in wherein you embodied those traits. You already mentioned the activities in a general listing, all you have to do is break them down into paragraph form so that you can expand upon them and offer a better picture of the trait that you claim to have displayed during that situation. I realize that you may have a maximum word count for the response but you need to create a very solid picture of who you are in terms of those traits in order to offer an effective reply to the prompt. If you can offer a longer response, even if you have to go over the word count, I'd be more than happy to help you bring the count down to meet the maximum number by editing the content for you. Right now, the essay needs to stop sounding so ordinary and instead sound like you are a stand out applicant at the university. It is achievable if you are willing to rework the essay to make it that way :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The famous adage 'No pain, no gain' is by far the most logical expression I have ever heard. [4]

Yes, it is not only a deviation from the topic but it is also out of place. Your relationship with your sibling cannot be compared to the relationship you have with friends because of the blood relation. That means regardless of the problems you have with your siblings and the mistakes that they make which you may stand by and watch or choose to prevent, the fact that you are related by blood as siblings will cause your relationship to never change or, even if it is altered, it cannot be altered the way that a friendship can be altered. Think about it, a sibling is a relative for life while a friend can be discarded and replaced once it becomes inconvenient or illogical to continue the friendship with that person. So a sibling example is really not a solid example to use in this case.

Good luck with your exam. I know you can pass it. Have the confidence to know that you are well prepared and are able to do your very best during the exam. I hope you can let us know how it went for you :-)

Writing Feedback / Do you think that arts need to take a large part of the school timetable? Agree or disagree [4]

The choice is actually yours. If you add it to the main body, you will be able to better develop your arguments and present additional evidence in support of your claim. Thus making the idea better developed and applicable to the debate. My only concern, should you decide to write this as part of your concluding paragraph, is that the idea will be left under developed and discussed. As we both know, the concluding parts of these essays tend to simply be summaries and concluding statements, which do not really allow for a complete and thorough presentation of additional information. So while you can add it to the concluding paragraph, I feel that the information will best serve your essay as an integrated portion of the main body of the essay. A simple additional paragraph around 5 sentences long ought to suffice for this purpose :-) Of course the final decision as to where the additional information should go is up to you. Place it where you feel most comfortable doing so.

Writing Feedback / Do you think that arts need to take a large part of the school timetable? Agree or disagree [4]

These are very compelling arguments that you have presented. However, I seem to be missing one part of the essay prompt while reading your response. While you agree that arts need to take up a part of the school learning program, how much of that time do you think it needs to take up. Keep in mind that most of the schools in the Western and European hemisphere are beginning to either shorten or eliminate the arts programs in their schools, you should be definite about how much time you feel the lesson plan should devote to the arts curriculum. It is not enough to agree with one side in this case, you need to also dictate how much of the time you think it should take up. For example, arts classes should be held for 45 minutes twice a week, then the reasons why you believe this will benefit the students. I do not find any fault with the way you grammatically set up your essay. It is quite professional, analytical, and delivers proper reasoning and logic. You should score highly on this practice test even though it is lacking one response element. I suggest that you revise this essay to include the missing prompt element with a simple explanation as to the time frame you think should be allotted to the arts lessons. The reason I ask you to do this is because it will add a strong supporting element to your agreement to the statement that arts needs to take a large part of the school timetable.

Undergraduate / The importance of human body for the mankind -My biomedical / biomaterial S.O.P [5]

Your essay reads more like an autobiographical research paper rather than a statement of purpose. It is too long, has too much information that does not actually help the essay along, and does not immediately present the necessary responses to a statement of purpose. I suggest that you consider a revision of the paper based upon the following guidelines:

1. Consider the reason that you want to enroll in graduate school. What is your main purpose? Is it merely educational, or does it have a professional connotation to it? Are you interested in further studies in order to advance your current career position? Or is this for scientific research achievement?

2. How long have you been working in the related field? What kind of relevant work experience do you have in relation to your masters degree?

3. Aside from your early academic training, have you recently attended any relevant seminars or training courses that relate to your chosen masters course? If yes, then please list them and what you learned from it.

4. What are your short and long term goals in terms of your career achievements? How do you expect these advanced studies to help you achieve your short and long term goals?

Those are the most important requirements of a statement of purpose and pretty much sums up everything that needs to be contained in your revised essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The famous adage 'No pain, no gain' is by far the most logical expression I have ever heard. [4]

Your reference to the adage really does not connect with the essay prompt so it would be best to try to develop a different hook. Perhaps refer to an anecdote from your personal experience about a friendship that was placed in peril because you chose to keep your silence when a friend was was about to or had made a mistake. Then offer your opinion on the matter. You need to present a clear agreement of disagreement on the matter. Prior to presenting your reasons for supporting a side.

The example that you used, your sister having made a mistake already, is different from allowing or letting a friend make a mistake. In the instance of your friend, you know that she is about to make a mistake and you have the opportunity to prevent it from happening. Don't confuse the two scenarios. Do not make assumptions as a matter of fact because nobody can truly predict how an intervention will be received by the other party. It may or may not end your friendship. Don't bat for the worst case scenario immediately. That may not be the case for you.

Now, you claim that you would rather allow your friend to make a mistake rather than preventing the mistake from happening. What if you stood by and allowed the mistake to happen and, worst case scenario, your friend dies in the process? Was it truly worth keeping silent about your friend's actions?

Not to say that your answer is wrong but, I believe that you rushed the writing of your paper. You failed to give ample time, say at least 5 minutes to the analysis and consideration of the topic being discussed. Don't always think of writing everything on a personal level. You don't have to constantly place yourself out on a limb to answer a prompt. Just consider the logical and common known information for the topics before you write.

With regards to your concern, no, TOEFL tests will not always ask personal questions, it will ask about current events and pop culture. Maybe some history, but very rarely will it ask you a personal question, if at all.

Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

Honestly, the essay is fine. The only problem like I previously mentioned, is that you use examples that require a certain type of expertise to understand.You need to bring your samples closer to earth for the ordinary man to better understand. Try to keep your essays less technical and use simple, everyday vocabulary whenever you can. You don't have to strive to sound academic all the time. Formal yes, academic, not necessarily. If you want to give the essay another go then do so and I will offer a new review. Otherwise, go on to the next practice prompt so we can continue with your writing exercises and hopefully, make new progress :-)

Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

We have an open discussion about the topic. Which is a good thing thing :-) So let me address your concerns and questions with my explanations. No offense taken on my end.

One of the first things you have to remember is that when you are writing an IELTS or TOEFL essay is that you will be dealing with people who are not familiar with your profession. So while your example works for you, being a tutor in the field of science, it may not be easily understandable to the reader, so err on the side of caution and use more practical examples that can easily be understood by anyone reading your essay.

I did not mean that your essay was not related to the topic. What I was pointing out was that there were 2 ways to view the essay prompt. I showed the other way that the essay could be written based upon a different understanding of the prompt requirements. While you consider that vocational and professional schools are more practical in modern times, the fact that the exposure to these programs do not exist in high school for most students means that they will not be able to consider non-degree related professions upon graduation. Exposure to non-degree related classes in high school or earlier will help them discover their niches, talents, and abilities make the idea of attending professional school more feasible for these students and agrees with the prompt in terms of the need for practical lessons to be taught in schools.

What is viewed as dated and irrelevant today may still have some practical uses in current education. Remember, not everything that is an old concept is useless or irrelevant. Sometimes, it comes across as a necessary part of evolution, since what is old can be implemented in a new manner.

In the end, we both agree with with the same thing, that there is a need for practical lessons to be integrated into school lessons for practical reasons :-)

Writing Feedback / Students need to learn practical skills: Agree or disagree? [8]

Okay, I can sense a problem with the way that you presented your essay. You accidentally concentrated in the field of science rather than the big picture that the essay was asking you to consider. That is, "Do students need to learn how to do practical things in life in school aside from the academic lessons they receive?" The answer to that question is yes. If I may, let me show you another way to have answered this essay.

My apologies for hijacking your essay. I was trying to show you the need to sometimes, delve deeper into the background of the questions and the need to sometimes, but not always, refer to the past as a source of factual data for present day discussions. Let me know if I overstepped my bounds :-)

Writing Feedback / Making noise as much as you can!! Discuss two viewpoints :) [4]

It is only hard at the start Ahmad. The more practice that you get in essay writing, and the more widely read you become, the easier it will be for you to immediately develop usable and acceptable essay answers. I have had decades of practice at this first as a student then after graduation, due to my line of work as a researcher and writer so writing these essays are second nature to me already. It is also because of that exposure that I am able to better help review your essays :-) The ease of writing essays cannot be developed overnight. Neither can you speed up its development. The skill requires constant practice, constant reading, memorization in order to develop to a seemingly natural level of writing. Don't feel bad, be too hard on yourself, or expect too much from yourself at the start. You will eventually get to the level that you hope to achieve. Just keep at it and don't give up :-)

Scholarship / Nursing provides to people great care and improve their health. [4]

The one question your essay needs to answer in particular is, "Why do you want to become a "Pediatric Oncologist Nurse?". That is an intriguing idea for the essay. Not everyone who wishes to become a nurse has a specialization in mind so you should center your educational goals around that particular requirement. What is it about regular nursing that you feel is lacking so that you wish to specialize instead? How do you see yourself making a difference in patient care by becoming this kind of nurse and how does the specialized education you will be receiving allow you to address the specific needs of these patients? Those are the educational / career goals that you need to shed light upon in order to write a more responsive and revealing response essay.

Writing Feedback / Making noise as much as you can!! Discuss two viewpoints :) [4]

Another well written essay Ahmad. You have successfully presented your ideas in a coherent but highly serious manner. This essay topic is all about having fun and using informal English language to drive your point across. So there are some instances, which I will be pointing out to you, wherein you could used some relaxed English vocabulary instead. Instances such as:


- Those who reserve the right to make noise and party all night do so on the basis that they are simply exercising their basic human right to have funm sadly, as the expense of the peace and quiet of others.


- They believe that when a small issue like noise is controlled ...
- Don't use the word banned, the prompt never indicated a ban on noise, just noise control. Make sure to use the correct terms because interchanging of terms can and will affect the message the essay is trying to deliver.


- Taking into consideration though that all freedoms come with certain limitations, it is not unfair nor discriminatory for other people, such as myself, to advocate for a control on noise.

I agree with you though, the review examiners must be running out of topics for your IELTS tests. Either that or they just want to give you guys a break from the nose bleed causing thesis topics they have been throwing at you guys lately :-)

Undergraduate / I felt a small spark kindle inside me - Application Essay for Summer Biotechnology Program [6]

I believe that your current essay version truly shows the passion and interest that you intend on pursuing during the course of the summer program. There is a definite purpose for your aim to attend the program and you have given a simple background of your high school experience with science as well. I would have liked to have read about an epiphany moment between you and your science experience in high school in order to further heighten the impact of your essay but the information that you have in it right now should suffice. I understand that most high schools labs are not equipped with state of the art facilities and as such, could truly limit your potential as a learner. However, you made a solid enough reference to your high school exposure that makes it acceptable for this essay. The truly important part is how you plan on utilizing the summer program in immediate and future undertakings so you should be confident in the essay that you wrote. It is really a usable one at this point. In my opinion, you should not be afraid to submit this with your other application documents :-)

Essays / Should universities be available for all students or they should be given to only good ones? [5]

Think about the kind of society that you would be living in if only good students were allowed into the universities. Then consider if that is the kind of world that you would like to live in or have your children grow up in. Use that as the hook for your introduction.You can try to explain that there needs to be equality in education. Equality means that even mediocre students can get into college as long as they as they are willing to take the time to study. Explain that university study should be open to anyone who wants to learn or specialize in certain aspects of professions. It should not be limited only to the good students because doing so would also limit the ability of a society to improve the life of its people. Explain how being a good student does not equate to an increased benefit for society. Rather, it limits the potential of the young generation to discover how they can make a positive contribution to their world. That is something that they can only recognize and acknowledge if they are given a chance to attend university studies. These are just some starting points that I believe you can use as the basis for your essay. I hope it helps you out :-)

Undergraduate / 'countless educational programs offered' - Education among the American society - UT Transfer essay [7]

This is supposed to be a common app essay response so we do not need the works cited page. That said, you should do more than just post quotes from other people that you can use to meet the word count. My opinion, is that you should open the essay immediately with the effects and aftermath of the "No Child Left Behind" policy and how it has not helped advance the U.S. educational system. While you present an in-depth discussion and analysis of the problem, the solutions that you present are not as purposeful and well developed. It is important that you balance the two in your essay presentation in order to better highlight the importance of the change in the educational system for your and future generations. The hook that you used as an introduction is not really that interesting or enticing to the reader. Perhaps you could open with an anecdote about a child who failed a standardized testing but is highly intelligent in real world applications and the like. The point will be to pain the "No Child Left Behind" act as a failure of the educational system to actually educate the students from the very start of the essay. You need a compelling reason to keep the reader interested in this topic which is more often considered technical in nature by the educators and it little understood by the laymen.

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]


- You cannot "work as internship" as the internship is the position identification. You work as an intern. Intern is the classification of your position in the office.


- Yes explain to them why you want to work in this environment but do not remind them about information that they already know about their company. That is just a waste of their time. Instead, work on the positive work atmosphere reasons you look forward to participating in.


- These are definitely important point to present. I would approach this paragraph in this manner:
As a published author of the book XXX, I came to polish my use of computer and financial software which is vital in the development of financial reports. Skills such as ( present the skills in bullet form):

* economic analysis
* company analysis
*etc.


- Yes, it would be best if you could present the name and position of the person you are addressing the letter to. Revise that part of your letter in your next draft so we can work on improving that introductory statement.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The best way to relax and reduce stress is by spending some time alone. [4]

Kim, while your second paragraph does present a negative light of the way group relaxation may not be the best way to relax, the fact that you based it upon common sense and commonly known information about how depression is heightened by group gatherings makes it informative and a good method by which to compare the two relaxation techniques. Let's face it, there will always be times when there is no way to sugar coat some information. It will come across as negative no matter what you do because those are the facts of the case. So don't feel bad about it or nervous. You did well by presenting an informed discussion to your reader. Now, for the grammar errors that I spotted (with some suggested paragraph improvements whenever possible) :-)


- Pace is an essential element that drives people's lives. People live their lives according to their own pace which is why recognizing is vital to reducing stress.


- Let the reader get to know you, but not too much :-) Save some mystery for yourself. There is no need to present too much personal information in an essay of this general nature. Save those for your common apps.


- ... the stress is never released ... massive amount of stress increasing in size like... In the long run...
- It already understood that a reckless act was not thought about so there is a redundancy there. ... it could lead to the use of drugs...

About your conclusion. It is not really complete. You need to restate that you agree that spending time alone is the best way for a person to relax, given all of the comparative reasons that you stated above. Aside from that modification in the content of the final paragraph, the essay really makes sense to read.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The best way to relax and reduce stress is by spending some time alone. [4]

Hi Kim ! I am not sure about the others who will be reviewing your paper but I found myself hooked by the question that you posed. I also found myself giving an unconscious response and then reading on to find out what more you had to say. I am glad that you read my advice and that you found it useful :-) The way you discussed the essay from a personal level is one of the reasons that your writing seems to be stronger now that in your other papers. You effectively presented your personal reasons for wishing to relax by spending time alone. However, you should have compared the way people who prefer to relax in a group setting to your personal preference in order to have more effectively discussed the paper. By comparing the two methods, rather than inserting the introverted person into a group social setting, you could have presented the two different methods by which people relax and then offered an explanation as to how that may not really be the best way to relax, even if you do enjoy group activities. I spotted a few grammatical errors that can be corrected but because I do not know if you want to revise this paper after receiving feedback, I am opting not to point the mistakes out just yet. Let's save you one editing movement by correcting the grammar errors when you are already satisfied with the theme of the paper :-)

Letters / Making a cover letter for summer internship in finance - someone with some experience? [25]

Marco, you developed a pretty good start. Now, let me show you the correct format for this paper in a template version that you can actually wish if you want to, or edit and revise again so we can help you review and prepare the next version better. Here we go:

Ms. Nikki Darling
Cash Group Finance
123 Nokomis Blvd.
Birmingham, AL 35000

Dear Ms. Mikki:

I am writing in response to your advertisement which appeared in the JobGate platform of X University regarding the opportunity to work as an intern in your Debt Capital Markets Origination team.

I am very interested in seeking an internship with Cash Group. I possess a strong desire to explore a career in Investment Banking. I have worked as an intern in a consulting group since graduating. This internship helped me to develop resiliency and the ability to work under pressure. I have an uncanny ability for attention to details and the importance of working to achieve real goals. Additionally, my start-up "jobs" have taught me how to interact with a diverse group of people and I have developed vital entrepreneurial skills such as the ability to think innovatively and spot areas for development.

I would appreciate the opportunity to meet in person to share more about my background and the skills I would bring to your company. If you need any additional information, please contact me at 3333333333, or @@@@. I look forward to the opportunity to interview with Cash Group.

Thank you for your consideration.

As for your published work, you can mention it after the paragraph about your interest in Cash Group. Make sure that you highlight the fact that the research you did for the book will help their company spot possible problem areas and the like. Explain how your research knowledge will be an asset as an intern since you expect to do much research work for the regular members of the company. Something along those lines ought to work :-)

I look forward to your next version. I really believe you need only one more editing assistance before the letter is officially ready :-)

Writing Feedback / Every single man and woman has the freedom to believe what they wish to believe. TOEFL [5]

Kim, while there is a difference between agreeing and not disagreeing, a TOEFL essay is normally written from a comparison point of view of the opposing and supporting sides prior to presenting your personal opinion. When I write my essays, I always present an opposing side and then a supporting side prior to my personal point of view. My idea being that by weakening the side that I do not agree with, I strengthen my point of view and thus making the more winning argument. As for the way I divide my writing time, I do it in a way much different from yours.

I actually allow myself 5 minutes to develop my ideas for discussion. This includes considering a hook for the prompt. While it is difficult to always come up with an original hook, sometimes the hook already comes in the creative way that the thesis or prompt is presented. By making the question of the prompt sound more interesting to the reader, you can actually entice the him to read more about the topic. For example, I sometimes start my essay off with a question. An interesting question based upon the prompt before I present the prompt topic. It serves an effective lead in when you have the reader considering the question you just posed.

After that, I just write the basic ideas I want to discuss in sentence form. Just grouping together the related topics as I go along. This normally takes me about 10 minutes. These ideas will then form the foundation of the paragraph content. As I write the ideas down, I can already see which topics fit and which don't. I can also decide which parts will be harder to discuss within the remaining time so I can veto it at once. This gives me 10 more minutes to develop the paragraph forms since the basic ideas are already there in sentence or phrase format. I basically just connect the dots in that aspect, adding connecting sentences or transition sentences for the final form of the essay. Finally, I have 5 minutes remaining to review the content and spell check the paper.

I find that using that process helps me develop more coherent and well thought out essays. Of course the process may be confusing and useless to you but I thought you might want to consider some other writing styles that may help you develop a bigger pocket of time for reviewing your essay before submitting it :-)

Writing Feedback / Every single man and woman has the freedom to believe what they wish to believe. TOEFL [5]

Hi Kim, I caught just one sentence that I believe could be improved by the addition of one word:


- ... and be unable to create their own.

The essay is really very well written over all. It is hard to believe that you took only 30 minutes to write this essay. The insight that you have, based upon personal experiences, helps to boost the standard of your writing in many ways. First of all, the insight means that you have a direct connection with the prompt and you feel strongly about the discussion. Second, the fact that you presented and actual academic setting wherein you experienced being able to make your own decision more than supports the claims you made in the essay. Finally, you presented a discussion that, although it presents your personal opinion, allows the reader to come to his or her own conclusion as well based upon the arguments you presented.

I hope you won't mind my asking but, how do you have the 30 minutes writing time allotted in the practice tests? I might be able to give you some tips about how to better utilize the time. That is if you would want to hear about it :-)

Writing Feedback / "Dad, I am hungry!!" | "Hi hungry, I am dad!" - Change Leads to Growth [2]

The language and grammar that you use in this essay is casual yet respectful. It is reflectively written and takes the reader into your world as a child. I am just wondering what the point of the story is because you did not provide a prompt for it. There is a sense that too much time was spent on creating the back story of the essay rather than talking about how the violent events that normally occurred in your life affected you mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially. This essay should be a reflection of your growth as a person and how you changed in order to deal with what was happening. Show the reader how these events all added up to help you become the responsible person that you are today. Dwell on the past just a bit, but use it as an inspiration to tell us about how you became the person you are now because of it. The portion about how you dealt with the change in your life is simply too short and does not reflect any real direction for change or guidance on the part of the people you came to for help and advice.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Is it better to watch serious movies that are designed to make you think than just to watch? [5]

I like the approach that you took in discussing this essay. While you could have presented the thesis of the essay in a better manner in the introduction (the topic of the essay is not really very clear as a discussion relating to an agree or disagree stance), the manner that you presented your line of reasoning is interesting. Basing your opinion on a personal experience is always one of the best ways to present an argument. In your case, your experience as a movie-goer really comes through and exemplifies your opinion in a positive manner. That said, it would have been nice to have read you arguing the opposing argument on the issue because if you weakened the other stance in your argument, you would have further strengthened your stance and, if this were an actual debate, quite possibly won the discussion :-) There are a few grammatical errors here and there but those mistakes did not distract the reader from the purpose of your essay and thus, should not have have an effect on your final grade had this been a formal TOEFL test.

A little reminder at this point. Please remember that an effective introduction in a TOEFL essay always includes the restated prompt, overview of your discussion, and finally, your stance on the matter. Remember that the next time you formulate your essay thesis :-)

Letters / Garbage is a big global issue nowadays: Discuss on causes and suggest solutions [5]

Hey Ahmed, this type of essay writing is difficult to write if you are not widely read, are unfamiliar with the topic, or just do not enjoy writing this type of essay. As a practice test though, I can understand why it was given to you as a topic. This is the kind of test that is meant to help you increase your knowledge of current events and world problems that may or may not come up as possible IELTS essay topics. Needless to say, you should not have rushed the writing of this essay and instead, done some background work on it prior to drafting this essay. There are 3 topics because those are the commonly referred to questions about the issue of garbage collection worldwide. If you have calbe TV I suggest that you try to catch the program Trashopolis on National Geographic as this show deals with the problem of global garbage, its history, and the possible 21st century solutions to the problem.

The essay definitely feels rushed. There is very little development and direct response to the questions being posed. Taking time to have done some research using the questions as keywords would definitely have helped to make the paper you wrote better. Currently, it reads as it you were just providing responses to get the test over with. There is a lack of insight and deeper understanding of the questions and issues surrounding it. Your response to how the problem could be dealt with was quite technical in nature, leaving the laymen readers to question what ISO 1400 is all about.

The language though, is quite professional, direct to the point and tries to be analytical. I realize that you wrote this under time pressure but like I said before, this is not an ordinary essay question and it had a purpose for posing 3 questions. While you did respond to every question, it was really short and did not really offer the kind of responses one would expect of such an essay.

You are steadily improving grammatically and I applaud your knowledge of how and when to use certain grammatical rules. Just keep practicing and you will soon discover that your writing prowess has vastly improved :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Television advertising directed toward children under the age of five should not be allowed. [6]

Hi Kim, my apologies. I think your message to me got buried under the new posts. Thanks for the bump in the thread. Let me address the points that I referred to as disconnected.

When you read your introduction, the point you are trying to make is that advertising targets a certain demographic and location. As such, children under the age of five, who do not belong to a specific target of the advertisers should not be bombarded with advertising. In the succeeding paragraph, you continue with this line of reasoning, mentioning that children do not have the finances nor decision making process to make logical purchases. You mention marketing errors for these types of advertisements as well, pointing out the lack of ability to differentiate on the part of the children. You make a pretty compelling argument up to this point but then change your direction totally in your next paragraph where you begin to discuss the effects of advertising on the ability of a child to learn. Pointing out that children become automatons who do not really understand what they are doing and that they are now unable to actually learn and concentrate in the classroom because of the influence of advertising on their brains.

Now keep in mind that you presented marketing as your first reason for advertising not to be directed towards children under the age of 5. Then you suddenly shift, without transition or pause, to the effects of advertising on the learning ability of children. That is a definite disconnection. There was no transition paragraph to prepare the reader for this change, neither was there any statement that could have related the 2 highly different topics.

Those are the disconnections that I spoke of that I hope you will also consider when you revise your essay. Remember, in a TOEFL exam, it is better to fully discuss one reason or fact in totality, meaning completely, than it is to present 2 disconnected facts which will end up being under developed in the discussion process and could, in the end, affect the conclusion of your essay and the final grade that it receives.

Graduate / Personal Statement - MSc Offshore Engineering - Newcastle University [2]

You are not writing a formal speech for addressing the committee members nor are you writing a formal letter. Just write this personal statement as you would any other essay. It does not require a formal letter format. You are offering information in the essay that pertains to your academic background that the admissions officers can find out for themselves on a more valid level by studying the transcript of records and other academic documents that you submitted with your common apps. So this essay that you wrote is not particularly helpful to your cause. The best thing for you to do at this point is to delete this current essay and go back to the drawing board. Draft a new essay that is more geared towards portraying the development of your interest in Offshore Engineering and how you have some questions or ideas about how to further improve the technology in the future. Imply that the only way you can address these topics is by pursuing and advanced degree in the field. That is the kind of information that a personal statement should contain. Do not get it mixed up with a statement of purpose. That is a different essay altogether. The information you provided is only a summary of the documents you submitted, which does not serve the purpose of a personal statement. So you need to come up with a new essay that better addresses the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / "For any of you struggling to find your niche, do yourself a favor and think back to your childhood" [4]

This is an essay that shows the value of adult-education and how driven people will succeed regardless of age, once they decide to pursue a college degree. I feel like your essay would have benefited from having you portray some extra curricular influences that led you to your choice of career though. It just seems like hearing about Magic Johnson coming out in the 90's as HIV positive and an interest in viruses is not enough of a calling for a nurse. It sounds more like a calling for a medical degree. A nursing degree candidate usually presents an interest in caring for the sick and bringing comfort to the injured as they assist the doctors in their jobs. I don't see that reflection in your paper. Don't get me wrong, it does not lessen the impact of your paper, it would have increased the impact that the paper now has. The overall content of your paper addresses all the prompt requirements but could be shortened a bit because the paper seems too full and hard to read at the moment. I know, the formatting does not transfer in the copy and paste form but regardless, it is still a bit too cramped for word space. Can you reduce the content about your interest in viruses and aim instead for the advocacy goals that nurses commonly have? I really believe the paper will benefit more from a personal connection with the career you chose rather than the current cold and matter of fact decision you have made. Stating that this course meets the transfer requirements does not really create a bond between you and the profession. It makes it sound more like you did not have a choice in the matter and just did it to get the process over with. The essay is too cut and dried. You need to get a bit personal with the content, and I do not mean talking more about the trials you had in your life. You need to highlight how you decided upon your career based upon some personal or professional experiences.