Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Our founding father's idea aboutof a strong foundation was a democracy where people could live in harmony together , as one family, united by human rights, freedom, and equality.

This is evident through various articles such as the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

We have our founding fathers to thank that America has not collapsed over the years like so many others.

He knew that the U.S. would stand up for him, as the U.S. fights for human rights around the globe.

The strong foundation of human rights was established through the Bill of Rights in the US Constitution, which our founding fathers have so strenuously drafted.

This base has led to many US conquests of many other...

I gladly say thanks to my founding fathers for establishing a sense of equality into our nation. ---You wrote this sentence already.

I like your essay, especially the end. Good luck with school!

:)

Graduate / 'career as a physician assistant' - describe your motivation towards becoming a PA [2]

... I had been chosen amongst hundreds of applicants for a unique opportunity to participate in the fast paced world known as the emergency department, where healing the sick and injured was common placethat doesn't sound quite right in my opinion; maybe "was my/our duty and privilege". ?Both and PA and the doctor worked feverously to stabilize the patient and I knew I had a role to play as well. Dr. Rosenthal, the man that tended to this injured man that evening and coincidentally has been my mentor for several years.

As a student of your Physician Assistant program, I look forward to participating in opportunities that will enable me to broaden my experiences in health care. As a biology student, I was actively involved in conferences and seminars, which enriched my knowledge of medicine.The refugee youth project I participated in focused on assisting low-income families; especially children with after school programs.

Nice work. Hope you've found my revisions helpful :)

Writing Feedback / 'Inoculations against cow flu' - essay [4]

Everything has possibilities and inoculations against cow flu are not an exception.(This last sentence could be worded a bit more clearly) This was a heated debate between people in the past. In these situations, thorough evaluation considering all aspects of negatives and positives effects are required. Especially when in regards to humans lifeAN umerous of people hold the opinion that they... In addition, not all people are able to exercising and getting a force healthpractice good health. . I would believe that inoculation with its possibility of death is less danger from having cow flu than depending on strength the quality of one's health.

Besides the revisions I made, I suggest you clarify and downsize your conclusion a bit; summarizing your thoughts without being repetitive or confusing. Good job and have fun in school!

Undergraduate / "About the sea' - "About me essay" [5]

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to see this, but it was a miracle that I did, as you should have started a new thread. Yay, it's good to know you're in Biology and have kept your passion all these years!

Growing up, I can remember my room and how it looked.

...lamp sculptures that looked like dolphins, and a little fish tank in which was home to my pet fish, "Landrew".---Ha ha! Landrew!! I love it!

I received decent grades and always managed to pull through, but it occurred to me that I hadn't really done anything of significance ---I think you should just add the word 'yet' here, and end the sentence.

---at this point in my life.

Growing up in the desert, I knew that there weren't a lot of opportunities relating to what I wanted to do.

Somewhere I could learn, grow, discover, and accomplish my dreams, but after many attempts at trying to get a job in California, and Washington, and various...

Nice powerful ending! Good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / Narrative writing on "we all had different ideas about the parcel" [3]

I have to tell you, this first paragraph is BEAUTIFUL and is exactly the type to draw the reader in immediately. Excellent.
After two hours my attention was diverted by the door bell.I was indeed surprised thatintrigued as to who it could be.
Well, it is a strange story indeed but I would not say "weak". I think something that might tie it all together nicely would be to add "To be continued" at the end, to add a little more depth and suspense! The only other thing to remember is to make sure you leave a space after periods in between sentences. Good job and good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Interview paper with an entreprenuer, Cynthia Odo [2]

...Twelve years ago, she started her business, while leaving LIVING in New Jersey.
Her decision to move forward was warranted because there was only one other shop that provided those specific services, and most customerS ...
She chose a location that was visible. EASILY ACCESSIBLE
ALONG WITH With owning a business there are THERE COME losses that you will experience.
Great Job! Along with some minor revisions, I would only suggest that you consider strengthening your closing statement a bit. Good lck and have fun!

Writing Feedback / ROSARY, MY BEST FRIEND [2]

Ever since I met my good friend Rosary, ---You don't need a comma here.---several years ago, she has been my best friend.

Even though I don't see her that often, it is always good to know about her.

Rosary is quite tall and thin, and she has long, wavy, blonde hair but she usually wears it in a bob.---I think a 'bob' means it is cut short. (not sure though.)

She's thin faced and she's got a pale skin with some freckles and rosy cheeks .

She is very smart and sophisticated ; she loves fashion, that'swhich is why she is always well-dressed.

Some people claim that she may seems quite stubborn and bossy, but in reality, deep down she is an excellent person.

:)

Graduate / 'impacting the lives of others' - CASPA Personal Narrative [4]

"Behind each person is a collection of stories, and in order to fully understand a person,...

... kindness, and general sense of lightheartedness can improve a person's day and even their life.

During the days I spent in her room, I watched many doctors run in and out, some never even taking a second of their time to even introduce themselves to either my grandmother nor I.

For the first time since I had arrived at the hospital, my grandmother smiled.

... because I believe that the greatest satisfactions in life come from working to improve the well-being of others.

Your essay is coming along fine, and I especially like the last paragraph. Good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay about - Is spending a lot on parties is worthwhile or not? [2]

From a purely social point of view, the main purpose of inviting relatives and friends to a party is to share the hosts' joyful feeling and emotions as well as strengthen the bonds between hosts and guests.

Without the opportunities to holding or participatein parties, an individual would feel isolated from his or her social network, which would probably result in suffering from emotional problems.

In addition, the society can benefit a lot from holding parties in terms of boosting the economy and generating numerous jobs.

To sum up, holding parties is supported in terms of family and friends bonds, as well as promoting economic development.

By contrast, it is refuted to be a waste of money due to huge financial burdens on hosts.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Rumblefish'(Rob and Renee ) - Summary [2]

After five years of marriage, Rob lost his wife Renee to a pulmonary embolism, a blockage of the main artery in the lung.

Nonetheless, she kept writing. anyway .

The apartment wasn't very nice and the roof would leak drops of water whenever it rained .

Charlottesville was small, so they had to entertain themselves somehow.

They were DJs at the local radio station .

Renee was definitely a "doer"; she enjoyed adventure and had passion.

Rob spent more time with Renee more than anyone, but he still wanted more of her.

Five great years, and they enjoyed those years, never wasting a second.

This is sad and very interesting, I'm glad it was me that got to edit!

:)

Writing Feedback / ielts 2 - 'parents are superior to the teachers in terms of development' [4]

One suggestion I have is keeping all the information in your opening statement, but re configuring it in a way that creates s shorter, and more "to-the-point" introduction. I frequently advise people to develop an opening statement that will grab the readers sttention and interest immediately. While most content in most essays, especially the opening lines are of value to the work itself, it is ESSENTIAL to prime the first sentence.. That is all. :)

Writing Feedback / Computers make some jobs easier. [4]

My input is that as far as grammar is concerned with an "esl" student, as long as you get your message across adequately, then I feel grammar is unnecessarily a thing to fret too much over. Especially with English as your second language! The other necessary editing has been done, I just felt that was an important thing to keep in mind. Good job and good luck!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] - living on campus in a dormitory is the best choice to live the campus life. [4]

As I tell many of the students whose work I examine, BE MINDFUL OF REPETITION. It is important to determine which point are valuable enough, (if any to be repeated). There is a slight stray from structure here, so see if you can further or re-organize your thoughts in a more clarified way. Following the three key principles which are : Strong opening statement, an appropriate length of information to support this introduction, and a consciously conclusive and finalizing closer.

Writing Feedback / How I got my title as Prince of Nigeria-revision/shortening [2]

Well, first, try not to repeat yourself. Look for any less valuable feedback and eliminate it. Keep true to your core points, but develop a shortened version, focusing just upon what you most care to state. The language you use can really help to summarize; maintaining the core theme with less physical words. Hope this helps!

Research Papers / Research about some of the main health problems in America [5]

I completely agree with Duminda about "eating habits and the value of the language which you use. Great job and good luck

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Welcome! You have come to the "right" place, haha!! We, are more than happy to and successful at greatly helping, restoring, editing and inspiring. So, new friend, no question is wrong, no essay too long, no style improper with us. Glad to have you with us and look forward to working with you!!

Graduate / 'All roads have led me' - why I want to be a P.A [3]

What I knew was that I admired their wide angle of autonomy, their ability to work in different areas and the amount of time they could spend with patients.

After seeing our patients, we reviewed our findings and came up with a diagnoses and then presented it to a physician for approval.

I truly enjoyed this process and found myself coming to work early and leaving late in hopes of seeing more patients .

When I finished training, I entered college where my experiences interacting with...

Eventually I was hired by Saint Louis University Hospital to run their E.M.U, but again, my responsibilities were limited.

Both my experiences in the military and working in hospitals settings have given me the opportunity...

I had been out of college for over 15 years before starting this quest towards becoming a Physician Assistant. Upon returning to school take prerequisites, I discovered that my time away and experiences in the work force have given me a maturity, focus and set of priorities that I lacked when I first entered college.---This is great!

Great essay. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Dissertations / I'm about to start writing my dissertation... [4]

I would suggest that if you have hit a roadblock, try completely scrapping everything you have on the chapter thus far. Honestly, starting from scratch and trying a brand new method or thought process can and most certainly will help. It will give you new understandings and reinspire you. Stop what you're doing; rearrange your current set-up (or forget it entirely) and it will help you become re inspired.

Dissertations / (Cancer support and services) Methodology for capstone proposal [2]

Well, to answer the issue of if your eval.is actual actually comparison : All you need to do is use language such as "aside from, as opposed to, " and don't forget that, when mentioning multiple sources, even when the information is virtually the same, you can say things like "Just as", "in relation to", etc. and not only is it thorough and necessary to study multiple practices, ideas, IT'S STILL COMPARISON, EVEN WHEN YOU use language like a fore mentioned!! :). If comparison is one main goal, it's all about the language and not whether there are opposing points.

I think you should be ok, good luck! Hope this helps!!

Writing Feedback / 'Modern culture understanding'/ GRE AWA [3]

Contemporary culture is a very broad and complex concept that is hard to be understood thoroughly.

Just becoming independent and limited by the experiences, the youths are excluded from the think tanks which can cast profound influence on the society and cultures.

We can feel their sense of pride when talking about "their" facebook, "their" internet commercializing idea, and "their" new pop star Justin Bieber .

This is another reason pointing to youth trends as the key to understanding the modern culture.

Globalization for example is an indispensable part of modern culture.

Looking at the more and more populargrowing popularity of foreign language schools and tutors, surrounding by increasing number of multilingual young people who are embracing a life of flying between different continents and bridging the different cultures , one can easily

Instead of studying youth trends, tracing back to the history in this case would be a more efficient way to...

Social modern culture is such a rich concept, covering all aspects of human society ranging from language, cooking style, dressing code, political and economic system, etc.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'You must be humble' - exemplification paper on respect [3]

Throughout my whole life, I was taught to have respect for others and myself.

If you believe someone is a good person and they are doing the right things in life, then you tend to have respect for them.

... saying please and thank you, and saying ma'am , or sir.

There usually wasn't enough room at the table for us young kids, so my cousins, brothers, sisters, and I would offer our seats up to the adults if they needed them.

In order to not be disrespectful, you must be humble, to accept people the way they are.

We should not judge a person without knowing their story.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'reports on vicious crime attract a lot of viewers' - IELTS2 Essay [5]

It is sadly true that nowadays, reports of vicious crimes attract a lot of television viewers and readers of mass media.

However, whether the coverage of the news should be banned or not on TV or in newspapers, as it might influence people in to committing crimes is going to be discussed in the essay.

I hope this is helpful. When you finish your essay, send it back here for an edit if you like.

:)

Research Papers / ENG102 research about integrated [5]

We don't write the essays for you, you have to write it first, then send it here for an edit.

Book Reports / Edgar Allan Poe Essay [2]

Edgar Allan Poe was born in Boston on January 19, 1809.---Start new sentence here.

During his lifetime , he was one of the most celebrated writers of dark poetry and fiction.---Actually, he never really was very famous as an author during his lifetime, I don't think.

The work of Edgar Allan Poe has many themes and literary devices, including setting, symbolism, and importantly imagery.

One example of it is "And the silken, sad uncertain rustling

... in "The Tell-Tale Heart" when he describes the old man's eye, which is the reason why the murder occurred.

Although imagery and symbolism are very important for Poe's Gothic style, his use of setting impacts his writing better than the other elements Poe provides. in his writing.

The setting Poe uses in "The Black Cat" is that the story opens in the cell of a prisoner the day before he is to be executed by hanging.

:)

Book Reports / "Lyrical Ballads", Wordsworth - Poetry paper [3]

As one reads Wordsworth poetry, o ne find themselves---You can't say it like this, as you have 'one' and 'themselves'. 'One' can only be a he or she.

...understanding everything completely as was intended .

For instance in "Simon Lee", Wordsworth writes "And still there's something...

He also chose to talk about the life of the common person and the life they endure .

He chose scenes and places they could relate to , unlike other poets, that he felt wrote to the upper classes.

The verses "Books! 'tis a dull and endless strife: Come, hear the woodland linnet, How sweet his music! on my life, There's more of wisdom in it". Explains how books are not always useful to the working class man and how they are only of use for a short time. ---This sentence is hard to understand, and should be revised for clarity.

The ways in which he expresses these thoughts are simple and to the point.

Wordsworth was a man of education and could have used words that were above the understanding of many people of this time.

:)

Letters / ILETS TASK1: A letter about renting a Honda car [3]

I rented a Honda car from your Olaya's office branch last Friday, the 1st of June.

On last Saturday, I was on the Highway of King Faisal going to Dammam.

As I tried to get out onto exit 7,when when a car passed into my left side and hit the left posterior rear stop lamp, then drove away.

I called the police,when the car has been pushed in that accident, but the policeman said he could not help me, as the other car drove away, and he advised me to write a letter to your main office to get the permission to fix it myself before returning it to you .

I am looking forward to hear from you soon.

First you should ask if they have insurance! :)

Undergraduate / "About the sea' - "About me essay" [5]

The sea has always deeply fascinated me.---I really like how you started this, with 'the sea' and 'deeply'. It's a nice play on words!

Having lived in Las Vegas for most of my life, I didn't get to spend much time near the ocean.

I can tell you though, that growing up with such a love for the ocean has not only opened my eyes to a world of environmental issues and remarkable discoveries, but has also defined and shaped the person I am today. ---This is great!

You are not a terrible writer, your essay 'flows' nicely and is very descriptive. Are you going into biology? If so, this is a perfect lead in. When you finish your essay, send it back and we'll have another look!

:)

Writing Feedback / Draft: Women's Health vs. Religious Freedom [2]

It is also noted that, "Women who use OCs have more regular and predictable menstrual cycles, with a reduction in the days and amount of menstrual flow, which in turn reduces the risk of iron deficiency anemia. The incidence of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) may also decrease some in women using oral contraceptives.---Make sure you remember to add quotation marks at the beginning and end of each quote. I don't know if it should be after 'anemia' or 'contraceptives'.

It is therefore imperative that women inform themselves about the benefits of contraception, and define for themselves what constitutes a religious employer.

I ask readers to inquire what their rights are as an Americans , and how those rights compare to their rights as a religious person?

Women must demand that religious leaders not only seek not only religious freedom, but healthcare equality.

What an excellent essay! Well written, to the point, and very informative. Hopefully, you're going into politics!

:)

Undergraduate / 'The frontiers of research' - Transfer Essay: Texas A&M engineering [2]

Many students only choose what is popular among their faction of friends or what has the most promising career prospects in terms of financial and aesthetic compensation, with neglect to the single most important element: a true passion for their area of study and destined career path .---Great beginning, very true and insightful!

Having grown up participating in sports and being around the trucks and farm equipment of my father and grandfather, I have always been fascinated...

It was not until my time at Lone Star College that I truly developed a love for math, science, and problem solving, along with the desire to apply these learned principles to better engineering of mechanical systems and processes, to further enhance the world around us .---Would they enhance the world around us, or would they enhance our lives?

I have particular interest in the continued innovation of the automobile and aviation industries , as well as the development of alternative means...

Texas A&M offers the most efficient means of obtaining my goal via the proximity of the campus,---(to what?)--- first-class research facilities and laboratories...

With these motives in mind, I anticipate being a part of the engineering program at Texas A&M, and I hope you will give my application a sincere consideration.

:)

Scholarship / 'to serve Maldivian government' personal statement for application to masters program [4]

My life in secondary school was the period where I began my interest in my current field.

During those days I enjoyed all the subjects related to the business and also subjects related to the economy.

In dDespite being a hater of reading, I enjoyed reading business related books and articles.

After, my secondary school I joined to Bank of Maldives, and the duties I performed were quite related to my studies.

After one year experience in the accounting field, I decided to go for higher studies and started to look for an opportunity to study.

After completing ACCA and the degree program, I got quite a few good job opportunities from different local companies and government agencies .

Out of all those, I chose to join one of the highly ranked media companies of Maldives...

In addition to the duties and responsibilities of my post, I have carried out several projects for my employer, like taking responsibilities...

After completing my Masters program, my first preference will be looking an opportunity to serve Maldivian government.

:)

Writing Feedback / HOME SCHOOLING IS ACCURATE OPTION [3]

You definitely need to develop a more inviting, and more broad, introductory statement rather than just jumping right in like that..
First, I will explain about the positive aspects of home schooling for parents.
Parents feel responsible for the education of children and they want a closer relationship with their childrenthem.
Basically, the parents seek for the best training methods for their children...,
Second, the positive sides of home schooling received by childrenNext, we'll discuss the benefits of home-school for children which are as follows:
.Besides the revisions I made and a few grammatical errors I would only advise you to just tighten it up a little bit in terms of summarizing just a bit sooner and perhaps looking for areas of repetition. Otherwise, well done and excellent information and insight. Good job and good luck!

Book Reports / Convergence Culture by Henry Jenkins (three key concepts) - how to start? [2]

Well Are you having trouble finding an example to use? Because that part is up to you. What I can help with is advising you some of the main principles of essay writing which are as follows. #1) Always display a strong, descriptive (but not overdone or very long) opening statement. One that will grab the reader's interest. #2) Stay on the subject. While it it can be helpful to slightly stray from your actual statement with personal experiences, satire, etc,. it is important to stay primarily focused on your assignment. #3) After a few (or however many) paragraphs to support your theory/research/opinion/story you must develop a meaningful and conclusive ending. The closing statement is also one of great importance. So GET STARTED!! (AAAAhhhh, "starting" ...That's always a tricky one for me too:) Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / 'he is right people to work and learn from' - reflective Journal [2]

Even thoughwe had only a few months of working together, he has contributed a great deal to the group work.

He has a rich knowledge of literature.

This qualification assists the group to analyze problems and apply knowledge in a class room setting.

To be more specific, he came up with the concept of power for personalization (?)---and provided variety sources of literature to back it up.

He never refused to work outside class time and even weekends .

However, surprisingly due to his high level of creativity and imagination, combined with flexibility leads him to act out of the direction of the lecturers sometimes without informing us .

For instance: during a simulation game, he acted as separatist movement which is not out of setting up by lecturers at the beginning.
I highly recommend that he is the right person to work with and learn from.

:)

Essays / 'A basis for human rights' - What would you tell the founding fathers? [7]

...Her magnificent presence makes me feel honored to be born into Mother America. I thank my founding fathers for making it possible for us all to live together as one family, united by human rights, equality, and freedom. ..(that previous sentence is beautiful)[/i]

I think this paragraph needs more of[i] an intro, rather than mentioning "horror, horrifying" instances in the first sentence...
Chen GuangCheng's story horrified many around the globe as humanity hears of how this blind civil rights activist was abused and harassed ...
by his Chinese captors. Chen daringly escaped to an U.S embassy in Beijing, willingly placing his life in the hands of the founding fathers of America. Chen knows that the U.S. will help him because of America's fight for human rights throughout the globe.

I thank my founding fathers for providing a basis for human rights in the core of America.

Scholarship / "Why is a healthy lifestyle important in school?" Essay Scholarship [2]

On average, throughout one's day the goal is to feel satisfaction even if we do not realize it.

However, the things people do to be satisfied or the habits they have, dictates whether or not if they are living a healthy life.

This is not to say that, ---no comma here--- a student will automatically start skipping class and not completing their assignments...

Living a healthy lifestyle not only helps with discipline and avoiding bad habits, but it also aids one with staying focused on school and anything else.

Even though it is not a fact that living a healthy lifestyle makes a person smarter, it is safe to say that doing so helps with maintaining mental agility , thus making the daily routine of school ...

Once a student is focused on school with the aid of their healthy lifestyle, they can constantly push themselves to work to the best of their ability.

A good number of students always wait until the last minute to complete some kind of project or homework assignment, and risk getting late to class the next morning.

:)

Letters / Vetting of appeal letter for NUS. [2]

I would like to thank FASS for considering my initial appeal, as it has always been my no.1 choice of schools(?).

As such, I would like to request for an opportunity to be re-assessed as to my eligibility as a prospective student of FASS, of which I have faith in.

Getting into NUS is important to me since the things that I would learn from NUSthere are essential to fulfilling my mission, as has been the case of my polytechnic studies.

Getting into FASS would allow me to gain a holistic approach to arts, not only in producing works but also understanding how the community perceives as a whole, and all these are through the guidance of the professors in FASS's education.

I like your last sentence a lot! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / GRE issue essay (Effects of technology, human interaction)? [2]

The rapidly shifting world of technology has drastically changed the way in which people behave in society.

Technologies developed in the past several decades have fundamentally altered the socialization patterns and behaviors of this generation, in both positive and detrimental ways.

Developments such as texting, Skype, and Facebook have made available a myriad new ways of communicating and ...

This paradoxically hinders human interaction and isolates those who depend on such technology.

The ability to interact and keep in touch with one's friends at any time and place seems like a great boon at first, but over-reliance on this network stagnates (?) one's social skills, and prevents people from fully...

Besides being a hindrance to forging new social connections, technology can in a way replace human contact altogether.

Deep and dedicated friendships with plenty of face-to-face contact is eschewed in favor of hundreds and hundreds of barely-recognizable Facebook "friends", online gaming buddies who have never met in real life, and forums and web communities which provide comfortable places where the unpleasantness of real-life interaction...

Technology is a wonderful thing, and provides new and _ methods of human interaction. However, ---No, you should definitely not leave it hanging like this! I heard recently, that in the United States, in a third of all divorce papers filed, Facebook is mentioned! :)

Essays / 'A basis for human rights' - What would you tell the founding fathers? [7]

This is coming along fine. If you have to make it long, you could add the contrast between what was written, "give me your poor, your hungry,..." and compare how it was then, to the 'border wars' we have going on now, trying to keep poor people out of the country. (Just to liven things up!)

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Temperature and Ice melt' - Global Warming Essay [3]

You should incorporate a more defined opening/introductory statement, for starters...
As I'm quite sure you are aware, your grammar is still developing (esl etc). That being said it is clear tha in a very t you are a very articulate writer. You absolutely convey the facts and your feelings on them in a very effective way. I suggest you organize and structure your thoughts/facts just a bit more clearly. In addition to my previous revision suggestions, I would also add that a closing statement with more finality will benefit you a great deal. Good job, good luck and have fun in school!!

Scholarship / How to write an essay for getting Turkey scholarship in the field political science [2]

Welcome! Well I do have some advice for you. Your opening statement must be one that grabs the reader interest and inspires them immediately. For example, "It has been a dream of mine..."

Another thing to bear in mind: Although it is essential to state your goals, intents and purposes in an inspirational way, be sure to do so in an organized and non-repetitive way. There is an art involved in requesting/informing/describing/reporting on something in essay form in a thorough, but not dragging/boring way. And as long as you follow with a closing statement which is gracious and grateful, you should be alright! Good luck :)