Essays / Rules about using 'I statements' for a hook [4]

College essays and personal statements should be written in the first person, so I could not imagine why it would be incorrect to use an I statement in the first sentence...

Undergraduate / Career in the computing industry ; Goals at Queen's University and beyond [3]

Hmm... This is the prompt:


What you wrote was a "Why I want to go to Queen's" essay, which is different. Stick to the prompt. What do you want to learn at Queen's? What clubs and activities do you want to participate in? What specific career do you want to pursue; where do you see yourself in ten or twenty years? Or, if you aren't sure, do you think Queen's can help you figure it out?

Undergraduate / Sinking Deep into the labyrinths of my mind lays an itch- WHY Uchicago? [4]

[Moved from]: Deep in the labyrinths of my mind lies an itch

A. I like the Superman-Batman one better.

B. The beginning of your essay is definitely very engaging, and I like the way you connected it to your (Extracurricular? Job?) teaching children. Maybe I would like to know more about the upbringing that made you so driven to pursue knowledge, as well as the details of your teaching (Where is this? How long have you been teaching?). The end is still a little generic; I know you already talk about UChicago in another essay, but all the things you described could be found in most colleges.

Thus, by providing me with a challenging curriculum, the University of Chicago is a stimulating center where I seek to intellectually thrive and learn the true concept of education.

Why do you think UChicago can teach you the true concept of education? What do you think the true concept of education is?

Scholarship / Exploration is key; U Michigan - Bell Scholarship [3]

I agree with Chelchelch. The way you presented your dual interest in engineering and medicine makes me uncertain about how well you would use the money, and I'm sure scholarship essay readers would feel the same.

Instead, write about how you are interested in engineering and medicine, and then elaborate on how you think engineering could be important to the medical field (Biomedical engineering could be the next innovative way to treat cancer or help people with disabilities, for example).

Also, write a little more about you. Why do you want to be an engineer, and why do you want to be a doctor? It's more than just liking the subjects; what do you want to generally do with your life (help people, invent something, etc.)?

Undergraduate / Chartered Accountant - Schulich School-Business Admin [9]

Remember, this essay is not "Tell us what you want to study at the Schulich School of Business." It's "Tell us why you want to study at the Schulich School of Business." You have to do some research into the school, it's teaching methods and opportunities, offered courses, etc. to let them know why of all the business schools in the country, you chose that one.


I like this sentence, but almost everyone would write about how they want to go to a college because it has "diversity" and a "world-class reputation".

Undergraduate / I am proud to say that I have good study habits - UW Madison [2]

To many people, grades are very important. I would be one of the people who agree that the grades people receive in school play a vital role in their futures . Grades may seem like just a letter on a report card that students receive four times a year, but they are more than that to me; grades reflect a person's progress in a class. Every time a quarter ends, I eagerly await seeing my report card. To me, the grades I get show that my hard work has paid off.

Q: I have been struggling on writing on writing a book for high school students, which will be presented on my graduation ceremony coming up in two months. I have been struggling with the outline but its tiring writing it. I want suggestions on the content and sections under each content. I will be grateful with the help. Before I forget here is the name of the book " Habits of highly successful students" or "practice of an effective student".

A: you could include a whole module on case studies of past successful students.. you know, you could interviewing them and writing up a list of what we need to do to be an effective learner. just an opinion. :) good luck

Undergraduate / 'I move. I change. I create.' - UPenn Ben Franklin essay [4]

I agree with Epsilon; I would definitely elaborate on what things you do that support you labeling yourself a mover, and how you developed into that kind of person.

Undergraduate / TRAVEL to the USA; Umass Lowell & Umass Amherst -EXTRACURRICULAR/ WORK EXP [9]

I think you should continue with your application. Any supplement essays are just another chance to show them that you do care about applying there, and no college admissions officer will throw your application in the trash if they see a typo. They get that you are an international student and that sometimes, things slip past the radar. More than anything else, your writing emitted a lot of sincerity, which will by itself be a nice wake-up from all the cheesy writing they've gotten before. Also, I'm sure that isn't the worst essay they've ever read.

You want "success"; that's clear from your essay. Don't let the fear of failure or rejection stop you from reaching it. Good luck.

Undergraduate / MEXICAN AMERICAN/ALFREDO QUINONES-HINOJOSA; Experiences -Promotion of DIVERSITY [5]

Maybe I would just focus on your experience working at the clinic and your impression of Dr. QuiĂąones-Hinojosa, which is the latter 199 words of your essay, and build off of that, writing how he showed you that diversity is not passive like the color of your skin; it's an action, the stereotypes you challenge and the people you influence. And then you can work in the open-mindedness you learned as an American, and elaborate on ways you will use open-mindedness and your understanding of diversity on a campus and in a medical career.

Scholarship / "GIVING THEM A FIGHTING CHANCE", CHCI LATINO SCHOLARSHIP [2]

I am blown away by the eloquence and power of your essay and your story! I would leave it as is, since it is still under the word limit. Just one extra word:


Great job, and best of luck!

Essays / Superman: Hero, Inspiration, Tyrant, popular epigraph [6]

Very interesting to read! I'm just left a little uncertain of why you feel commercials are so important to television and to people, and why you feel so passionately about this that you wrote a whole essay about it.

Undergraduate / CONSUMPTION & BI-PRODUCTS; Petroleum Engineering SOP - University of Wyoming [7]

You could definitely put the background about the engineer in your opening paragraph.

My suggestion would be to put the paragraphs after your opening one in chronological order from grade school to now... I think it would also help if you put in what you just mentioned about your electrical engineering class. Doing those things would definitely create the impression that your passion is building from the past to the present.

And I definitely did understand that you were mathematically inclined; I don't doubt your passion for mathematics and engineering, because you made it so clear. I guess I just didn't understand why you took solace in such a different field for all of college, and what you weren't getting from that field that made you turn back to mathematics instead of just sticking with English.

Hopefully, that made sense...

Undergraduate / MEXICAN AMERICAN/ALFREDO QUINONES-HINOJOSA; Experiences -Promotion of DIVERSITY [5]

You have a very interesting background, and an interesting take on this prompt. I liked how you integrated your Mexican culture into this essay, but I would have liked to see a little more of that, as well as a little more organization in your thoughts. You could structure it by writing about being an American: how you promote diversity by listening to others' opinions and learning from others' cultures (be specific!).

Then you could write about being Mexican and elaborate on your family, heritage, or lifestyle. Then you could write about how you admire someone who broke racial stereotypes and circumstances to become a neurosurgeon. And then you could write how you want to promote diversity by breaking the status quo.

And you could conclude with how that both your open-mindedness and your desire to do whatever it takes to impact others will help you promote diversity in the future as a doctor.

Essays / Choosing a topic; RTA School of Media Research-Based Essay [4]

Are we alone? - Maybe you could get some statistics about how many people feel lonely, or research the definition of "alone". This could relate to "Are we alone in the universe?" which has to do with space research.

Albert Einstein once said, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." How does this apply to you? - Maybe research different educational systems and analyze how they could hold some people back from learning in different ways.

A biography is where you research a person. A bibliography is where you list the authors, titles, and websites (If they're on the Internet) of all of your sources. You can Google search "Sample bibliography" for an idea of what I'm talking about. Make sure you find out whether the format you're supposed to use is MLA or APA or something...

Undergraduate / AMAZING OPPORTUNITY for LOW INCOME STUDENTS; Upward Bound Bridgee [7]

Hmmm... I'm not the most creative person out there, but it depends on whether you want to have UB reach out to the community or teach them something, or whether you want to make the people in UB closer, or whether you want to bring other people to UB. I don't know what kinds of things you like to do or are good at, whether you'd rather plan an event or create something, so that part has to be up to you...

As for your goal to be a teacher, I think it doesn't matter if you repeat yourself a little. You don't have to present four different parts of yourself; your answers can complement each other. The first one would maybe have to have more emphasis on what you want to teach, what kinds of things you've done to start working on that goal, as well as any accomplishments you've earned. The third one would maybe be more of a narrative about how you've been a role model to others.

Undergraduate / AMAZING OPPORTUNITY for LOW INCOME STUDENTS; Upward Bound Bridgee [7]


Yes, please!

Writing Feedback / CLIMATE CHANGE AND GLOBAL WARMING [2]

I think you did a good job of addressing all of your points. Do you need an introduction before your background, because background information generally goes in the introductory paragraph, and your first paragraph would make a good introduction. As for a conclusion, just reiterate that people may not be able to see anything wrong with the Earth right now, but climate change is still a pressing issue that needs to be addressed immediately, because the most important and lasting gift we can give the future a healthy Earth... Or something like that.

Undergraduate / AMAZING OPPORTUNITY for LOW INCOME STUDENTS; Upward Bound Bridgee [7]


I hate that question so much... My advice would be to treat as "Why it would mean the world to me to get this?" not as "What makes me more special than any of my competitors?" because everyone might qualify financially, but everyone has different passions. Write what you plan to do with it. How will you use that two-class opportunity to make your dreams come true, to prove something to yourself or to others, to help you reach the future you want for yourself, or to help you make the impact you want to make on the world?

What you write doesn't have to be as intense as the question sounds (Avoid words like "passionate," "determination," "driven," etc.), but to avoid the cliched answers ("I want to become a doctor," "I want to end world hunger," etc.), you have to dig deep and find the answer that only you have.

As for your project proposal, I think a PowerPoint might be the best (easy, accessible through the Internet), especially if they want you to make a presentation with it, but you could also do a poster or a video, I guess.

Undergraduate / CONSUMPTION & BI-PRODUCTS; Petroleum Engineering SOP - University of Wyoming [7]

Overall, it's good. I just want to know more about how someone so seemingly into literature and art could make such a jump into engineering, as well as what the applications of petroleum really are and why you want to become a petroleum engineer.

Undergraduate / "Imitation is suicide" ; Berkeley's HAAS business school U Transfer/ Personal [7]

Content-wise, I think you did an excellent job. You answered the question thoroughly, and even though you articulate well why you haven't fought the status quo, you also show how hard you are trying and how important you think the issue is. You also connect it back to business, which is a nice bonus!

Writing Feedback / Adolescence - Are parents the best teachers? No they are not. [2]

I believe that parents are not always the best teachers for us, but they are the most special teachers.

For example, there are many kinds of conflicts between parents and children when the children become teenagers(Like what?) . Adolescence is full of new and complicated feelings (Like what?),and many teenagers feel like no one else can understand what they are going through sometimes . At this time, some parents don't understand us like friends can . Teenagers' best teachers are friends because they help us when we feel disappointed, sad,or terrible (How?) .

Additionally , a child will be better trained with a systematic education. In school, we can learn professional subjects (Like what?) and we can meet friends (How will these things train us better?) . There are also many processes(Like what?) to improve our social knowledge and teach us life skillsto prepare us for adulthood and parenthood ourselves .

All this is not to say that knowledge from parents is useless. They are always at our side and give valuable advice . So, we have to rely on what we learned from parents (But... You can't just end your essay here, otherwise you change your stance on the essay.)

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]

It was my pleasure! I applied to URichmond for fun too, so hopefully the admissions officers will be in the mood for some unconventional writing!

Scholarship / Essay for Freshman Scholarships [4]

You mentioned many things your parents have taught you, and they seem a little unorganized. I think your essay would be more powerful if you just focused on one or two lessons.

I like the part where you mentioned that you will be the first one to go to college in your immediate family. A suggestion would be to make that one of the first things you write. Then you could write how because your parents did not go to college, they...

A. Understood and taught you that a college education is important (how they help you with schoolwork, taught you preparation skills, etc.)

But B. they also understood and taught you that you get some of the most important lessons not from school, but from life (playing with your stepfather taught you that there is a time for everything, your mother taught you perseverance, etc.)

Undergraduate / Leap of faith to Rice University - What motivated you to apply to Rice University? [4]

This essay says a lot about why you want to go to a college, but it doesn't say enough about why you want to go to Rice. Of the thousands of colleges in America, what made you pick it? What are you interested in studying there? What kinds of clubs or opportunities does it have that you are interested in? Every college has diversity and intellectual interest.

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]


Actually, thinking of how you could make your diction and syntax match your tone is extra-writery of you; I just think that when writing college essays (especially answering straightforward prompts), natural is best.


Maybe if you start by describing how your mind wanders or how you meditate on a normal day. And write that you never give life such intense thought. Then make it clear that that event pushed you into a new way of thinking, into the depths of your fears and insecurities to confront the nature of the reality you always accepted before.


I definitely caught that, but I didn't know that was the experience, because you had mentioned asking a girl out, which could also be a way you stepped out of your comfort zone.


Maybe if you wrote something about playing with fire or dancing too close to the flames, aiming for a succulent outcome but ending up with one that was burnt irreparably.

As for your metaphors, if you changed your personification to a simile and wrote "my thoughts were flighty like deer running swiftly through a forest" and then, "How can I bring my mind from the dark, cruel forest to the peace and clarity of a mountain peak?" that might be a little clearer.

It's up to you if you want to keep going; it was fun editing your essay, so I don't mind if you just disregard my comment and start fresh. I definitely got the creative part, if it makes you feel better, and I did understand what your intent was, even if it came across as a little vague. I've definitely written some college essays I intended to be works of art but ended up being extremely incoherent and too off-the-wall to convey the emotions I had in my head when I was writing it, or to really capture my personality. I thought your essay was pretty good by comparison (mine didn't even have any deep epiphanies at the end like yours did).

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]

I think that your description of being rejected by a girl, while sympathy-provoking, is a bit intense for a college essay. Based on this piece of writing, I can picture you falling into some deep and dramatic depression every time you fail at something, and even though you said you'd realized that you should take failure with an optimistic perspective, you spent so much time convincing me that you were so depressed, I have trouble believing that you will change.

Overall, this was a very interesting--if not a little concerning--essay. Hope these comments were helpful!

Undergraduate / George's Secret Key to the Universe; Aerospace Engineering and why UMich? [3]

I like it! Only thing...


This sentence feels like it's missing something... Like, "the practical aspects of these programs present a valuable opportunity for me to spend my summer vacation time doing __________ "

Undergraduate / My role as a CONTRIBUTOR; UMich - My place within the community. [3]

I would say 1. Brief description of the community you identify yourself with (Elaborate more on the culture and lifestyle of NRIs), 2. THEN describe the values you've taken from your community (the perspective and desire to use your opportunities to benefit others), as well as your role in the community (contributor or leader, pick one; if you choose contributor, you need to be more specific with how you contribute, because most members of a community contribute something to it). 3. Support that with just one example (Your trip to India) because you don't have that many words, and then 4. say something about how you will continue to fill that role in the future.

My place as a contributor has been fostered throughout my childhood through activities such as volunteering in the church youth group, the Duke of Edinburgh Award and the World Challenge 2011 Kerala community service trip.

In summary, my main place is as a contributor but it is not the only place that defines me. Embarking on the Duke of Edinburgh Award Expedition put my leadership skills to the test and as a leader of tomorrow, my places are a contributor and concurrent leader.(Don't try to throw another role in there like that.)

Good start, and hopefully these comments will make it a little more coherent.

Undergraduate / Artwork deserves great attention; School of Visual Arts/ Reasons [4]

I'm happy to help! :D

Undergraduate / Artwork deserves great attention; School of Visual Arts/ Reasons [4]


You wrote a lot about why art mesmerizes you, which is good. But you only talked about your reasons for pursuing art in college in that last paragraph; you should elaborate. How long have you been interested in art? What is your preferred medium of art, and what do you like to draw? Do you want to use art in a career? What career? What do you want to accomplish by the end of your life, and what has art taught you about life that you are going to take with you to college and beyond?

Undergraduate / GIRLS WITH TATTOOS; Transfer to UT Austin- Issue of Importance [6]

Content-wise, I have no problems with this essay! It's an original spin on a cliched topic, and you made it very powerful, so kudos to you.

[ Sitting in the basement with all our friends, my brother and I look at each other as his friend conveys to us his opinion on girls with tattoos. Being respectful, I listen as he announces that women with tattoos do not respect themselves, are trashy, and are all around bad people with bad personalities. He goes on to say he would never want to be seen in public with one and could not even fathom the idea of having a romantic relationship with a girl who had a tattoo.]This is just a suggestion, but maybe you could open with the dialogue, instead of just describing the exchange; it will get the message across in a more attention-grabbing way.

Good job, and good luck!

Undergraduate / FIRST time I flew looking for a job; RICHMOND UNIVERSITY SUPP - Leaving Comfort zone [10]

I'd say start by describing how you felt as you were searching for a job/flying by yourself. Then go into why doing that was leaving your comfort zone and why you decided to do it. Then write about what happened as a result, and what you learned from getting out of your comfort zone. It doesn't need to be in that order, but those are the main points you want to cover.

Undergraduate / Severe Anxiety & Chronic Depression; Transfer - Additional Information [4]

I think you should end with some kind of promise for the future. Something about how you aren't going to let these conditions stop you from getting an education, and how you will keep working hard until you can finally walk into a classroom without feeling anxious or take a test and ace it.

You have a very powerful story here. Don't make it entirely about explaining away a few bad grades. Show that living with depression and anxiety and constantly struggling with thoughts that want you to give up has made you more determined to succeed. You show that with your getting help, completing your homework, pulling up your grades, and transferring to another college. You just need to show it with your essay.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / My special interest in ASD; Speech/Language Pathology -Purpose Essay [5]

Overall, a very well-written and inspiring essay, coming from a high school senior interested in Speech-Language Pathology herself. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Courage to grow up to become who I really am; Why transfer to SUNY Geneseo? [3]

I like the opening quote of your essay, and I think you should work it through your entire essay. How will Genesco help you gain that courage to become who you really are? I would also recommend more details and specifics in the "Why Genesco" part.

Undergraduate / TO SERVE OTHERS; What defines me: LEADERSHIP/SERVICE/LEARNING/GLOBAL AWARENESS [3]

My biggest problem with this essay is that I'm missing details. You started with a really interesting opener, but I was confused about what you actually did. You said that Interact Club taught you all these things, but you didn't tell me what kinds of community service you did with them or how you learned from Rotary Club. You write that serving others is important, but you don't tell me why you think it is important, or what kinds of service you think is important.

Undergraduate / "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" essay for Hillsdale College [5]


It's a solid essay, but you spent a lot of time talking about how you were shy, and then explaining getting the job, but you have to write more about how you are different now.

Undergraduate / Football/ Psychology Courses/Class sizes - Emory Unique qualities -Transfer [6]

I like it! Two things though: A. As a high school senior freshly done with college apps herself, I have always seen "Why X Colleges?" include some non-academic features to their answer, so I can't verify what final impression this will make, although you certainly come across as very enthusiastic and passionate about Psychology!

Also, B. The prompt is asking for qualities. I don't know if that's the same as "things they have", versus "the atmosphere of the place". If need be, I'm sure you could work in something about how going to Emory has a freeing (interdisciplinary major) and daring (research, high academic standard) that feels like flying for your Eagle metaphor.

Undergraduate / History & My Engineer father; U of T Material Engineering- Why Eng? [3]

Relax. I've read so many essays by prospective engineering majors who have no idea how to write something more original and personal than "I think that being an engineer will help me get a high-paying job and impact the world one person at a time." So you're already pretty good in my eyes. And you answer all parts of the prompt, which is stellar.


Solid foundation and interesting read! Keep writing!

Undergraduate / Chemistry/ Small classes/ Activities/ Events; WHY PHARMACY? WHY MCPHS? [2]

This essay as is sounds very generic and plain; I did not learn anything about you. As I read your essay, I keep asking myself, "Oh, why does she want to do this? Why does she like that?" Why do you want to go to a smaller school? Do you talk a lot in your high school? Do you come from a small family? Do you learn best by interacting? What specifically is in Boston that you like; it has to be more than just "a beautiful environment". What activities do you want to participate in there? Why don't you want to go study as an undergraduate for four years at a college first? How are you so sure that Pharmacy is right for you? These are some of the questions I want to know the answers to, the questions that you need to answer to make your essay less boring and more "you".