Undergraduate / I am no stranger to getting punched in the face; Martial Arts -Childhood to Adulthood [4]


... Good hook :)
Well, you've got an interesting story to tell, but what is most important here that needs to have the focus is the transition from childhood to adulthood. I think it is not well focused here. Through your martial art experience you need to show them this transition. I feel you need to work on that. Make sure your essay is analyzing your personal growth process, its not about bragging about an accomplishment.

Undergraduate / One should have an aim in life; U Toronto; Engineering [4]


.... Well, you open your response with a bit of a negative sentiment .... Telling them that you didn't have a target (even in the past) is like telling them that you don't have a vision for life. I don't think that can do any good for you with admission. I strongly suggest you to rephrase this sentence. You need to talk about what inspired you to choose Engineering as your major. So more enthusiasm when talking about your passion for engineering - tell how your passion was formed and how keenly you pursued it.

Undergraduate / 'studying at Cate' - "Writing a novel is like driving a car at night" [4]


Why do you sound so uncertain? I don't think such negativity would help you impress anybody. You need to show that you are sure about your accomplishments. So say like;

in which I am going to swim across the ocean of challenges. .... something like that :)


... there you are, here you sound more confident :D

Research Papers / Disability Culture (10% has some disability):A Nigerian's Perspective [3]

.... very good advice by Altaa


.... challenge has / challenges have
However, due to the rampant level of corruption in government, many of the pressing challenges that Nigerian people face with disability are yet to be addressed.


... you repeat the same phrase " people with disabilities" too often.


there has been a growing pressure form non governmental organizations for the need for implementing social programs to address the challenges faced by disable Nigerians.

Undergraduate / It was an eye-widening experience ; Place where I perfectly content [2]

First, you should have a more meaningful title for your thread. (I had to attend to this one) It is the forum rule and it also helps you attract others for more their feed backs.

Well, I this prompt expects you to tell where and when you are most content, and then analyze the source of that contentedness. But I find a little focus is given to describe this most important place. It is true that it is about you that those admission guys are interested in knowing . However this sounds like what happiness means to you sort of and it is not well aligned with what the prompt requests you to answer. This essay prompt, like all of the options, is asking you to be introspective and share with the admissions folks what it is that you value , but it has to be told through that particular place or environment that you find perfectly content.

Writing Feedback / The importance to have second language ; First paragraph [6]

Ok... if so, this should contain the reasons and examples to support those reasons. Generally it is good to have just one reason per one body para. For example, take the first reason;


Now instead of going to tell another reason, you should now give a specific example to support this reason. Otherwise you cannot convince the reader. (Also, if you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL, they give you marks on these features ) Then take the other reason to a new para and support that too with an example.

Graduate / SOP for MS in CS with Text Minining, Information Retreival, NLP focus [4]


I beleive in this is the definition about SOP which I found in one of the websites;
the statement of purpose, in the eyes of Department Heads, Program Chairs, and Admissions Committee members, can be the most important document in the application. Other parts of your graduate-school application - test scores, transcripts, letters of recommendation, writing samples - do not say as much about you as a person as the statement of purpose can: your proudest accomplishments alongside your fondest hopes and dream

So, in my view it should tell them your background, how your interest in the field developed, what you did to pursue your interest, your future goals and how this program help you achieve those goals.

I feel this SOP is not in line with this structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Pay attention to preserve culture and environment [8]


... this is your prompt and it is not written properly and sounds pretty confusing.
I think you should re-post the title correctly. Without knowing that it is difficult to check the alignment between your writing and the prompt.

Writing Feedback / No one can deny the benefits to be gain from leading a hand to in needed nations [3]

First, there are few admin requests I have for you. You should have a more meaningful topic for the title and open all your IELTS essays in the Writing Feedback forum. These are not just forum rules but they help you earn more meaningful comments too.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Should the government sponsor artists or artists sponsor themselves? [4]


art has played / arts have played


an essential role


.... past decade and modern society sound a bit contradictory... You can keep it in more general form;
Arts play an essential role for the betterment of any society.
You write very well.... Try and avoid simple grammar mistakes.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] the most important characteristic to be successful is intelligence [2]


.... this has a few issues in terms of grammar;
People who become successful in life possess certain prominent characteristics such as honesty, diligence etc.
In my point of view, there is one important characteristic which is playsin the most important role to achieve the goal in my life. [/quote]

Well .... your prompt does not speak about your characteristics. It asks you what is the most important characteristic that you think would help one be successful. So, do not narrow down the scope of your topic and preserve it in its original form. The above line is going out of topic. It is important that you read the prompt carefully and understand clearly. Your writing should always stay with the topic.

Undergraduate / (my world could be my home with my family) UC PROMPT HELP? [6]


.... Without it this sentence reads better.


Therefore it has become my duty to take care of my parents after my sister got married.


I don't see much relevance of this sentence for this particular prompt.
It is better if had told how you got so much attached to religion, what influenced you and so on. Here you need to talk about your world and its significance to you. You don't have to talk about your future plans here.

Writing Feedback / The importance to have second language ; First paragraph [6]


What do you mean by first paragraph? Is this your introduction?
Generally an essay should include an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. If it is your introduction, you need to open the essay with an interesting hook that grabs the reader's attention. Then you need to introduce your background of your topic to the reader. Finally, you need to briefly introduce the points you are going to talk about in the body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Average weight of people is increasing and level of health decreasing,solution [4]

Well, I think you better pay more attention to the essay structure that can earn marks for this task.

Undergraduate / "Math just makes sense"- UC Transfer personal statement #1 [3]


.... the latter part sounds redundant.
... but math has always been the subject that I liked and excelled the most.


.... how about "uniqueness" instead of specificity
Using math outside of the classroom has made me even more fascinated by it

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Today's competitive society requires at least social independence from parents for survival [6]

Ok, I see you are new to this forum. :) Next time when you open a new thread, open TOEFL essays in Writing Feedback forum. :)
yyc1 has provided you with lots of useful advice. This is what I can suggest you. Follow this essay structure and earn good marks.

Undergraduate / I am an artist (COMMON APP) - CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [5]


I wanted them to see as not just the artist Atiqah, but Atiquh who is with an eccentric streak and a penchant for math and computers and may sometimes would rather let herself be pulled into a science project than paint all the time.


My decision to major in engineering was something that had lots of people raising their eye browse.
You have a very creative piece of writing here. Can feel your artistic talents through this :D

Essays / "Pros and cons" 's thesis statement for National interest and Values [7]

Well ... First list down a few national values of your country. Then write short descriptions about them. Such descriptions should include the benefit of such value to the individuals, to society and to your nation. Also you can talk about the actions your nation has taken to preserve such values and pass down to next generations. Do some research on them and include all the interesting things said about them.

Undergraduate / Tough Times; Influence byFamily history/Culture/Enviroment [2]

My parents divorced when I was six years leaving the entire responsibility of bringing up me and my brother on my mother's shoulders. Without having a stable income she found extremely hard to make ends meet for us. However, her courage and seamless love for us never let her give up her struggles. Seeing her perseverance and sacrifice for us, I developed a great determination to pursue my education until I reach my goals in life. I know it is the only way I can succeed in life and make my mother sacrifices paid off.

Writing Feedback / The Equal Rights: men should be responsible for children's upbringing [4]


Ok, you start explaining the background of the issue. However, opening your essay with a hook that can grab the reader's attention towards your writing would be a better idea.

Scholarship / 'No work until you graduate' - How do i overcome an obstacle in life; SCHOLARSHIP [5]


Ok.... it's good, now that we know the prompt :D


Don't repeat the question, it's boring :( .... tell your problem straight -

Through out my life I had cope with many hardships caused by my family's poor financial status. Be it feeding us or paying the house rent, my parents were put on so much stress in making ends meet . It is very sad and depressing for me to keep watching my parents' endless struggles without offering them any help. I am determined to save my family from this misery and the only way out for me is to go to college and earn a degree that opens the door for me to get a secured and well paid job.

Writing Feedback / SAT; Judging a book by its cover [6]



Well.... you may cite certain literature work as examples and that is no harm. However, in this particular case, I too agree with Pahan. When choosing examples, what is more important is to make sure that those examples are powerful enough to convince the reader about your reasoning. In this case, a real character (of course a famous person) like Mahathma Gandhi may be a much more convincing example as many people know who Mahathma is. He looked so simple and humble that his attire or appearance may not impress anybody, like the cover of the book. However, just like reading the contents of the book, when you ponder the character of Gandhi, then you'll understand the greatness of this man.

Undergraduate / 'Winning the competition' - COMMON APP [4]

Good job by Woodstock :) Thanks!
Well, I wish you included the prompt as I am not too sure about what question you've written this response. Make sure you include the prompt with the essay so that others can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.


I began to read for enhancing my general knowledge, but soon I ventured into novels as well.


after that I developed confidence and interest in it and looked forward to participating in many more competitions.

Undergraduate / How Ping-Pong Shapes Me| Activity Essay [4]


It should be techniques :D
Well, I think this is a very good response. It reads as swift as the game creating perfect imaginations. Also, you cleverly use the game to provide insights into your character and personal development. I think you've done a very good job. Wish you good luck with your application! :)

Writing Feedback / Being a foreign language teacher is needed or not [4]

:) That's a good attempt. If you are practicing in view of improving your English writing skills, then IELTS and TOEFL topics are great. They are simple topics that are really good for a beginner to improve.

Graduate / environmental protection:discuss an issue of national or international importance and its [2]


It is pretty obvious that economic growth and environment protection are a harsh trade off. It is being a heated discussion for a long time, yet nothing much has been achieved in favor of environment so far.


I feel you should not dedicate a full para for this because these are too obvious facts for the reader. Shorten this section and connect that with the next para.

Undergraduate / I never expected a project to change and develop me; Transition Into Adulthood [4]

[


I feel this is the most important thing here. But you have not told how this "me" view changed to "we". You need to show that transition through your experience. There are whole heap of statements you make that you did this, you did that. If you talked them through your experience while having other people also in those examples, then your story is much more convincing. Hope you got what I meant!

Graduate / state- of-the-art areas in communication Technology; SoP for PhD- Wireless Communication [2]


Yes.... I too feel so.
You have lots of opportunities in other sections of your application to talk about your credentials and achievements. So SOP is not the place for you to list down all details of them. You can cut down a lot on such descriptions here. SOP should be aimed at letting them know you as a person - your interest in the field, how it developed and what you did to pursue you passion, what your future goals and dreams, and how this program help you achieve them. Be creative in SOP as it would be the one that they would understand you as a person.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Subjects taught in schools are to be decided by central authorities or teachers? [4]


.... "conflict" is a too serious word for this idea. It means a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one. This is only an argument, but not a conflict. For this task, it is important that you use your vocabulary knowledge wisely, having the most appropriate word to describe your idea. Also, after the hook, you need to connect that to the next sentence that you begin to explain the background of the issue. That is why I always say that hook needs to be relevant to your topic and it should provides a good entrance to your essay;

Schools play an important role in one's success in life and therefore the school curriculum should be focused on providing the best education to students. In many countries it is the central authority that takes decisions on school curriculum. However, some people believe that this responsibility should be transferred to educationists like teachers who are more involved with curriculum. They argue that the central authority, in other words the politicians, lack the necessary exposure or the best interest to perform this important task.

Now express your view.

Undergraduate / What is your favorite word and why? - Honesty [6]


These are the reactions of people who just discovered someone else's betrayal or dishonesty.


My family took a great interest in bringing me up to be an honest person.


You need to improve the presentation of this sentence. It does not flow well :(

Undergraduate / From Uganda to Boston - Rutgers [3]


Growing up in Easton, a suburb of Boston, my community offered limited opportunities to experience diversity.


.... many and "a small percentage" ? Sounds a bit contradicting. Do you mean it had only a small percentage of people with diverse backgrounds ? Or anything else? I don't get your idea.


.... the first part has been repeated several times in this para and therefore the reader knows that fact. This is what I suggest;
However, my family represents a fair amount of ethnic diversity.

Scholarship / Flying! What it means to me is; Scholarship [5]


While many other boys of my age were interested in cars and trucks, I was into things that were above me. .... I think this helps you to get connected to the next line better.

Well.... it is good had you posted the prompt together with the essay. Then we could have known what it requires and helped you align your response more with those requirements.

Undergraduate / What is Electromyography?; College English Analysis Essay [3]


Many diseases are very hard to diagnose. For example, no test can provide a guaranteed confirmation on Parkinson's disease.


Detection therefore is merely a process of elimination of possible diseases and EMG scans helps in this process by tremendously reducing the list of such possible diseases.

EMG iscan also be used to diagnose diseases such as Huntington's disease without the use of any other test.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY ABOUT DREAM THEORIES; we have only brushed the surface [3]

but after centuries of interpretations and studies accumulated throughout the years, it's still a question to which we have minimallitteraly no answers


.... Well your introduction should introduce the topic and mention on the facts that you are going to discuss in detail in the body of your essays. It is not the first paragraph of things you need to tell. It is the brief description of your title and the things you intend to discuss. I think you need to add an intro for this essay.

Also, make sure that you include the topic or the prompt of essay in your thread. That helps others to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / One of the characteristics of successful leaders is the sense of responsibility for accept [3]


Well, leadership had always been in demand since the inception of this world, not only among humans, but in the animal world too. You should open your essay with a hook statement that should be creative, interesting and meaningful too. The hook should have the power to grab the reader's attention to your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; What is the best way to reduce crime? [3]


All around the globe, crime is something that is inevitably present.


What does this sentence mean? It sounds too abrupt and your flow does not continue disturbing the reader to follow your idea.


.... your prompt is not about judging criminals, but punishing criminals.
Many people believe that criminals should be punished with longer prison sentences in order to arrest the crime rate.
Please note IELTS essays should be opened in Writing Feedback forum !

Undergraduate / Etymology Proves That I Am Not Mundane; Syracuse Sup CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [4]


My parents were very traditional in their views on world,


and


sound contradictory to one another.


....avoid being too verbose, focus on your main idea -
My parents communicated with me and my siblings in our native languages,Ga and Twi (pronounced "tree").

Writing Feedback / [Toefl ibt-Opinion Essay] Should Attendance Be Required in College? [5]



... that latter part is pretty confusing.... did you mean -
For example, my friend Peter met with a serious car accident and had a narrow escape.


but he is an international student and by US regulation, international students should maintain a good record of attendance.

Well, you are not going out of topic, but you need to align your writing more with the task of your prompt. With practice you can improve and we will help you do that!

You too have a wonderful day! :)

Writing Feedback / GRE - ISSUE/ARGUMENT; All parents should volunteer time to their children's schools [3]

I like if you concluded this introduction with expressing you opinion rather than opening your essay with the opinion. It's better that you educate the reader about the issue first, by telling the reader about the background of the issue and then express your opinion. It's a more logical and convincing way.

Undergraduate / Common App: A story that is central to your identity? - Trains [7]

Well.... I feel your response for this prompt, central to your identity is not really in line with what they expect. I struggle to find how this response help understand that it formed your identity. I am going to quote some material I found in a website that explains how you should answer this prompt. Hope this would be helpful for you;

- Think hard about what it is that makes you, you. If you end up telling a story that hundreds of other applicants could also tell, then you haven't fully succeeded in tackling the question of identity that stands at the heart of this prompt.

- Your "story" or "background" isn't a single event. Being voted Prom Queen and scoring that winning goal may be impressive accomplishments, but by themselves they are not stories about the formation of your identity.

- Your "story" or "background" can take a variety of forms. Did you grow up in a difficult domestic situation? Did you live in an usual place that had a significant impact on your childhood? Did you or someone in your family have significant challenges to overcome? Were you surrounded by people who had a major influence on your development? Did you move frequently? Did you have to hold a job from a young age? Do you have a particular obsession or passion that has been a driving force in your life for years?

- Make sure your essay is adding a rich dimension to your application. You have 650 words to present yourself as an interesting and passionate individual who will be a positive addition to the campus community. If your essay is repeating information that can be found elsewhere in your application, then you're wasting this opportunity.

- Keep "diversity" in mind as you write your essay. By diversity I'm not referring to the color of your skin or your ethnic background (although these can certainly be a part of your essay). Rather, if a college admits 2,000 students, the school wants to see 2,000 individuals who each has a unique story and background to bring to the campus environment. The strongest colleges and universities do not have homogenous student populations. These tips for an essay on diversity can help you think about this issue.

- If you don't think you have a story to tell, you are wrong (at least I've never met a student who didn't have an interesting background). You don't need to have grown up in a yurt in the Himalayas to have a background that is worth narrating. A Connecticut suburb produces its own meaningful stories.