Writing Feedback / if it should be parents who choose the partner of their children [5]

I guess you have written this essay in preparation for IELTS or TOEFL. It's always good to include that purpose in the title so that it helps you earn more feedbacks. Also, this thread should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum ( I moved it from Essay/ Term papers to Writing Feedback).


hmmmm... yea, that is correct.... soul mate is also correct and comes with a more romantic effect :D


When partners hold too much expectations from each other without prior knowledge of their characters, the chances are more for them to get disappointed when they come across their incompatibilities in their life together.

Well... you have lots of good ideas and strong sentences here :)

Undergraduate / I'm stuck here wondering about my future; Transfer to old west bury [3]

It's good if you included the prompt so that we can understand what this writing is exactly about.


This is going to be the biggest challenge for me because like any other parent I too would want to spend as much time as possible with my daughter while also maintaining a sound balance between the two roles, a mother and a student.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: applying community service in schools serving a good purpose [7]

Your introduction needs more focus towards the essential features that can help you earn marks for this task.

Graduate / Strong interest in Aerospace Engineering; SOP for MS in AEROSPACE Eng [7]


I think this gives a better opening to your SOP than the first line. That sounds too stereotype.


This speaks of your interest in aerospace engineering.


You say this without evidence. It's better you say that through your credentials, achievements etc. Otherwise it does not carry much weight and also may sound as if you are boasting about yourself.

Undergraduate / "Mental Transformation" - UC; World I come from [5]


I come from a family, which , for generations, didn't place much value for education.


Both my parents were born into large families in which they were frequently told that college wasn't a high priority in life.


They attended high school with no intention of continuing their studies further, both due to financial constraints and lack of encouragement.

Undergraduate / My grandmother abruptly passed away; UC- Personal experience [3]

Well.... I too feel this response does not really answer the prompt. This question is more focused on how your personality was shaped by the incident. This sounds more or less about a person who inspired you and not a particular incident that left a great impact on your life and shaped your personality. I think this is not strong enough to convince those admission guys.

Undergraduate / "It's true, I am afraid of dying; Brown Transfer - field of study [3]


Am I such a selfish person for dreaming of a world that ends when I wish so?


Since that morning, I have been both fascinated and terrified by death.


I like if you leave this line out... There is too much repetition of the same idea :(

Writing Feedback / The charts below show the number of girls per 100 boys in all levels of education. [2]

Use the "Attach file(s)" feature that appears on the top in the Message block. Then select your file and post it to the forum.

This is the structure I recommend for this task;
1. Introduction -


2. Overview - explain the main trends very briefly
3. Details- Discuss patterns with more details and statistics.

Writing Feedback / How do movies or television influence people's behavior? it is part of our lives [5]


You can present this idea better;
In present, people get updated about the news of far away places thanks to Television.


Secondly, TV is a heavily used media for advertising due to its ability to address masses.


Keep it in plural - sounds better.


.... pay attention to the fixes I have made in this line!

Writing Feedback / Public utilities and surroundings are the primary factors to consider before moving to a place [7]


I don't find much meaning in this line.... Your introduction sounds better without this line.


Therefore, if I want to change something in my hometown, it is the current traffic congestion I experience everyday which I consider as a waste of our valuable time on the road.

You need to keep your writing more aligned with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 2] Trees are essential for the existence of the human race [5]

That's not a big issue... especially a person with good writing skills like you.

Scholarship / 'Becoming a tutor' - participation in extracurricular activities [4]


Throughout my high school career, I was fortunate of being involved with several volunteer projects that my school offered.


However, my volunteering as a peer tutor had the biggest influence in shaping my personality to who I am today.


I see your tendency to have your sentences crowded with too many words. It disturbs your flow of ideas and makes the reader lose interest. Try to skim the main idea and present it in a simple, yet interesting manner.

Writing Feedback / Study English in an English-speaking Country is the best ? [4]

There are few things you should follow if you intend to get others attention to your writing. First, include the purpose (TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc.) in the title so that others get a better idea about the purpose. Second, include the prompt in the essay. These would help you earn more meaningful feedbacks.


If we can learn a language like English, that helps us communicate with many other nationals because English is an international language.
Studying English in an English-speaking country such as Britain,America,Australia is better but it is not the only way to learn English.

Undergraduate / BASE BALL - Common App- Northwestern and John's Hopkins [4]


This sentence is incomplete :(
What is the sport that lets you fail 7 times out of 10 and still be considered great?


I feel this is a bit overdone... Your response should have a better focus on you and not the sport. They know all these details, but what they don't know is an incident in which you failed. So you should quickly have yourself in the center.

Writing Feedback / "Whether or not violent media has a harmful effect on children" [3]

First of all, what is the purpose of writing this essay? Is this for practicing for TOEFL or IELTS? Or a classroom essay? Include the purpose in the title so that others can provide you with more meaningful comments.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 2] Trees are essential for the existence of the human race [5]

Very good introduction, as always :)

This body paragraph does not contain specific examples. It is a must feature for this task that you helps you earn marks.
Overall, you display excellent writing skills as I always mention. Fine tune your structure a bit more to go for an excellent band.
Good luck with IELTS!

Writing Feedback / university students required to attend classes; learn better when attend [3]


.... Secondly followed by Firstly gives a bit of an odd feeling to the reader. You better rephrase the second line;
The students who attend classes regularly get the opportunity to interact with fellow students and share their feelings.


Your examples should be of more specific nature. Also, this sounds like a reason and not an example.

Undergraduate / They called for a free and open political atmosphere ; Background or story [3]


Yes.... This response fails to portray you as a person which the admission people would really looking forward to knowing. Your story should tell them the formation of your identity and this response lacks that aspect. Make sure your essay captures YOU. I think it is better you re-do this one.

Writing Feedback / The salary of top management stuff and menial workers in big companies differ [3]


The salaries between the top management members and the members of lower grades differ significantly.


This difference helps motivate the ordinary workers for further development.


For me, this difference is absolutely justified.


First of all, a talented director is someone who would determine in which direction the company would go, whether it would achieve success and prosperity or whether it would fail.

Writing Feedback / Effects of computers on children/youth [7]


This is very well written. You've followed a good structure, excellent grammar and vocabulary, good flow etc. Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? It is good to state this purpose in the title itself so that others can provide you with task related comments.

This is good writing :)

Writing Feedback / UK economic structure had experienced considerable changes over the last century - the graph [4]

Well , the structure for this task is generally;
1.Introduction
2. Overview
3. Details


... as per that structure, you should have two separate lines as the first one well fits in with the definition of introduction and the second one which describes the main trends can be considered as an overview.

Good Writing!

Writing Feedback / Difference between Public and Private School [5]


.... this is a question, so the punctuation needs to be changed.


It is the dream of all the parents to educate their children by sending them to a good school.


Public schools and private schools are different in terms of cost.

Writing Feedback / University studies are easier than you think [3]


...but now you have a vast range of choices even within each field. For example, if we take engineering field there you find many engineering disciplines such as structural, communication, electrical, chemical, mechanical, petroleum etc.


Therefore, the students are left with ample choices to select the most appropriate area of studies in contrast to the limited number of study options available in previous eras.

Book Reports / Comparison - Myself Vs Elaine Risley in Cat's eye [2]


.... some repetition;
In the beginning of the novel the reader is introduced to the main character, Elaine Risley, a fifty year old artist who is originally from Toronto.


I think this needs a little more work in terms of clarity. I like if you rephrased it.


During her childhood, Elaine transforms herself from being a timid submissive girl to a brave and fearless child who eventually scared the leader of the group of girls that tormented her, namely Cordelia.

Undergraduate / Poverty was not an issue to deal with; UBC - Experience that caused me to rethink [3]


Being raised as what type of child? poor? or rich?
This sentence does not deliver any meaningful insight to the reader about your background.

I think you need to work a lot here. You need to discuss something that changed your old perception about it. So, tell them what you first thought as poverty and how it got changed later. This response needs more strength.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: people can communicate faster and more conveniently using phone or e-mail [4]

Pahan is right. It is the forum rule too. Have one essay per one thread. :)
Overall, I too agree with Pahan. Now that you have grasped the right structure and present your essay very well. I think now you can move on to practicing a different task. Without any problem you can get a very good score :) Good Luck!

Scholarship / My father is my role model; Courage to Grow Scholarship [3]


Some help for trimming down your word count :)


My father, my role model forever, died from cancer when I was only twelve years old. ...2 words saved :D


I don't understand why included the first part :( Did you mean that when you needed your father's support the most, he's dead and gone? If that is so, you need to improve this line.

What is the prompt? It's difficult to provide you a more meaningful feedback without knowing it.

Undergraduate / 'Teaching foundation' - UC UNDERGRAD APP ESSAY 1 [4]


Nothing irritated me more that answering the ever repeated question that what I want to be in future and having compared myself with other successful members in my family.


... brothers? I don't get it :(


This was a real eye opening for me.

Undergraduate / Technology can only changes our traditions not to destroy our traditional values [5]


good hook :)


It is better if you express your opinion at this point before concluding your introduction. Then it is easy for you to justify why you hold that opinion in the body paragraphs by giving reasons and examples. This sentence sounds a bit vague and doesn't really contribute to your flow of ideas.


children are becoming/ children become

Writing Feedback / IELTS letter- request for a training course to your manager [5]

Well... this is an official letter and generally we start official letters with a sentence to explain exactly why we are writing. It helps even if the person does not know us. This is what I suggest you ;

I am writing this letter to request for a training on French language in order to design the international version of our products. As you may know, I previously worked as a software developer and recently had a transfer to Sales Department as a Product Manager.

Scholarship / How my Hispanic Heritage has influenced my goals; SCHOLARSHIP [4]

Under these programs there are a variety of classes that will challenge me to experiment with my artistic talents , eventually allowing me to grow and improve as an artist.


.... sounds a bit repetitive since you more or less used the same words in describing your long term goal. This is what I suggest;
In addition to my dream of working for Disney Animation Studios, I would also like to exhibit my own personal art works in galleries and museums.


.... how about passing strong messages to society?

Undergraduate / Cultural or social environment essay for Peace Corps application: [2]


What is the connection between the first and the second line? In what ways Colombia was different to your hometown? It's good you had a better connection with these two lines.

I taught at a private, bilingual High school where I was able to openly discuss controversial subjects in my classroom.with my students.


I dedicated my time outside of the classroom to exploringexplore my town and neighborhood cities

Undergraduate / 'money' society's most significant challenge: stanford supplementary essay [2]

Well... I feel this is a challenge of all times. Even in the past, this is what led people to conquer others' lands or wage war against one another. So, I feel it is not something that is significant in the modern era. However, as you mention, the media provocation did not happen in the past and that is something modern,

Undergraduate / independence- i wish i were there. stanford: a historical event i wish i'd witnessed [2]

This is very well written. A few suggestions from me;




She was beacon of hope from all other African nations.


I wish I were there to hear Dr, Nkrumah's landmark speech to immerse in joy and hope of my people.

Undergraduate / 'Cause-and-effect' - UC -WORLD I COME FROM [4]


Work hard to prove her that she is wrong. I know you can do it.


She left my dad and the family and withdrew every penny that were in the bank accounts.


Her acts left us broke, hungry, nearly homeless and eventually ended up in their divorce.


and that kept him away from my childhood life.

Graduate / Data Science, Parallel Computing; SOP- M.E Computational Science&Eng [3]

Your SOP covers many important aspects what it should cover.However, I couldn't find much written on what your goals are and how this program would help you achieve them. That is also very important for the admission guys to know. Also tell them why you have chosen this school in particular.

Undergraduate / My career ambition is to became a fund manager; SOP - motivation letter [2]


I think you should have elaborated a little more on this experience. Tell them how you developed such mindset and what influenced you for that. It is always better to tell things through your experiences than making mere statements.

Letters / Letter of Recommendation- from Project manager for graduate school application [3]

Hi,
First, I have an admin request for you - You should selected Resumes -letters forum for this essay. Please select the most appropriate forum when you open a new thread.


Before taking up a full time position with our organization, she served as an intern for seven months and proved her technical skills and capabilities.

This is very well writtten :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS1: process by which academic books are published [4]

Where is the flow chart? It's good to upload all the diagrams so that others can refer to them while making comments on your writing. You can use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block for that purpose.


... this is good for the introduction.
Generally this is the structure we recommend to follow;
1. Introduction (you've done it well)
2. Overview (A brief overview highlighting the main trends or features)
3. Details (give more details and statistics)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL PRACTICE - I prefer to live in big city - more convenient and appropriate [3]


You should not narrow down the scope of the prompt.
Follow this structure;