Undergraduate / My selection of Major and Why. JHU's essay, Also Cornell's essay. [4]

I confess to being a habitual explorer.

Frequently, my analysis yields a discovery which...

It is even more so inspiring to read in that day in age, the innovative logic it took to suggest something so profound.

I believe that when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer.

I don't think you could force House into any place he didn't want to be! :) If you do write about him, you should elaborate. If you need to shorten the essay, you could easily cut about half of paragraph three, making your points, and also making the essay less confusing.

Undergraduate / ProTrack Engineering Co-op program Florida Tech [5]

People tend to distinguish between knowledge and action and pursue them separately. They usually put knowledge first and save the action for later.

It is very different to learn a text book by heart and later on face the real world's challenges than to learn from theory and also practice and be aware of the problems and situations one must go through in life.This is a little confusing, and could be fixed by dividing it into two sentences.

The importance of Pro Track Engineering Co-op is that it enables me as a student to not only excel through a text book but to apply concepts to actions.

...I have awoken a passion for environmental sciences, specificallywaste water treatment, renewable energy and sustainability.

The ProTrack Engineering Co-op also enriches my resumé and a grants me with the experience that will help me find a job after college.

Undergraduate / "The Statue" - Bucknell Supplement Essay [4]

I continued forward as the heel of my shoe broke the silence, hitting heavily on the hardwood floor.

However, for me, this assembly proved to me that I could speak smoothly to any numbe...

I no longer feel apprehensive at the thought of public speaking, nor do I dwell...

...and compliments, I had proven that I could approach a weakness, something outside of my comfort zone, and make it a success.

Undergraduate / GWU: FBI to Boxing [5]

I know that I could benefit from this, as I believe that having a global perspective is the best way to view and learn things. from.

I love learning new ideas and how they relate to the real world.

I could use the knowledge I gain from the University to pursue a career in the justice system, which I have recently become very interested in.

I'd be especially interested into going to Israel or China, because both are countries rising in national significance and both happen to be offered by the University.This sentence is confusing. Study abroad programs are offered?

I've always loved going camping, fishing, and backpacking, and would be thrilled to participate in activities where I could do go out and experience nature.

... where I could develop my martial arts skills and meet others who enjoy the same things as I do .

Undergraduate / St. Olaf College Essay-your self-designed course [2]

If I could design my own interim course, it would be the Industrial Park Course, a course that explores different aspects of industrial parks from different perspectives.

To have a more profound understanding of the topic, I would combine areas of management, geography, sociology and environmental science. together.

I have been around industrial parks since I was young.

My family lives near a small industrial park in a small town...

...I find that diverse industrial areas differ greatly in management levels and work efficiencies.
...wisdom, industrial parks cannot be separated from the society.

When considering various matters concerning industrial parks, we need to put them into...

Why do those parks change people's lifestyles so much?

Terms like "low-carbon" and "energy-saving" have become popular. among people

Thus, the Industrial Park Course will undoubtedly involve areas of environmental sciences since industrial parks are traditional and big sources of pollution.

By gaining knowledge in environmental science, I would know the industry's impact on...
I cannot help but carry them out if possible.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - MSc of Geology [2]

Your essay is coming out very well, but it would be good to say something about the school to which you're applying. Why would that be the perfect place for you to study?

My parents encouraged my interest by enrolling me in schools with programs geared towards mathematics and sciences.
During my courses at college, I found that I had an aptitude for geochemistry, and decided that I could combine my interest in volcanoes with geochemistry.

As an asbestos analyst, I am trained in the use of Polarized Light Microscopy (PLM), Phase Contrast Microscopy (PCM), and Transmission Electron Microscopy (TEM).
For lead, I am trained to do analysis ,using Flame Atomic Absorption.

My ultimate academic goal would be to earn my Ph.D., but by first enrolling in a master's program, it will allow me to...

I am interested in doing petrological and geochemical analysis to help...

Undergraduate / Math, continuous learning - Discuss the subjects you have excelled. [2]

...which mean a lot to us and make us feel distinct from other people.

The reasons why I like these subjects aredue to the following reasons,their interesting aspects , the roles they play in our day-to-day lives of us and finally because it is a non ending study.

Math and science, especially chemistry, have always been of my greatest...

...perhaps a medical doctor is what led me to gaining much interest in the subjects .

In chemistry however, I became very acquainted with it through my first lab and chemical mixture.
This lab experience made me read more about chemistry and taught me why some things...
Math, like chemistry, plays a significant role in our lives.

Finally, I like math and chemistry because of its non- ending study. you said this in the first paragraph.

Despite t The fact that I like math and chemistry doesn't actually mean that I pay less attention to the other subjects.

This came out much better than your first essay!

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for Photography University -- Review needed [3]

Well the first thing I suggest, is that if they say a 500 word limit, you should make sure you cut this down, as you don't want to give the impression you ignore rules!

Actually, you could cut the whole first paragraph without detracting from your essay.

I was raised with under the impression that photography was suitable just as a hobby,--nothing more, nothing less-- and it was not until high school that I realized that photography could hold promise...

... as even though I emigrated from China to Canada at the mere age of five , I still feel a deep sense of longing...

Book Reports / Intro of Jem Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird [4]

In the novel, "To Kill a Mockingbird," written by Harper Lee, Jem (Jeremy) Atticus Finch is one of the most important characters.

Jem is the son of Atticus Finch and the eldest brother of Scout,by four years.

The book starts off with Jem as a nine year old boy...

Moreover, Jem even teases Scout for being acting like a girl more and more every day .

Jem moves into adolescence and becomes Scout's protector by the end of storyline .

While Jem grows in hisout of childhood, he becomes more mature and idolizes his father.

For instance, Dill sneaks up to Scout's bedroom from escaping. ..

Was he running away from home? (I have not read it.)

Undergraduate / NYU (summer in Italy, new yorker - Alicia Keys, poem, movie, program of interest [6]

My Italian comprehension and speaking improved and I met many great people. It might sound better like this; My speaking and comprehension of Italian improved, and I met many great people.

-----

her two childhood dreams to create one life of happiness.

This must-see film documents Chelsea's struggle to make a name for herself in New York's music industry, as well as travelingaround the world to satiate her craving for experiencing new cultures.

...sharing music with others and helping to spread the joy of music.

This is great! Good luck in New York and have fun in school!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - The red road [3]

The country wind blew into my face, covering me with the warm red dust like a giant welcoming hug.This is beautiful! Great writing![/b]

Passing by the savory food stalls and the verdant...

...kept rushing to my head, and uttered the words I'd waited so long to speak...

red basalt road seemed to be buried under layers of the scattering dust, thickening with each place that I visited .

Those that had always been nurtured me, loved me, and supported me.

...met the strangest of friends, and learnt through countless of mistakes.
[b]
You are an amazing writer, it was a pleasure to read your essay.

Undergraduate / I will fit right into Mudd's tightly knit community [3]


This is a boring, plain way to start. If you feel inspired, grab the reader's attention with something strange or intriguing... something unexpected.

Perusing is a word that suggests casualness, not seriousness... maybe you want to say "studying the website..."

This is good if you are trying to prove that you know a little about the school, but the impressive way to do it is to show how you have a specific plan and that this school is perfect for your plan. It is great if you admire a particular professor or want to get involved with a particular student organization. It is great if the school philosophy is a perfect match for your personal philosophy. The important thing is to explain not only about the school but also about your specific plan.

Don't tell them about the small size of the school, or anything else they obviously know.

I see a little note to yourself at the end there, ha ha, don't forget to delete that...

Undergraduate / UVA Short Answers - my favorite word, and something that challenged me (theatre) [3]

I was confused at first, as to what your favorite word was. I think your essay would be better if you reversed the first and last paragraph. Try reading it that way, and see what you think. That latter paragraph begins by succinctly stating your favorite word, and that is refreshing.

Thanks, BTW, for all the great help you have been giving people!!

I agree that the ability to justify our actions logically is necessary if we want to succeed, but just as necessary is the ability to let life surprise you -- to be moved with the waves rather than doggedly set on swimming straight forward.----> I think it is better this way for a few reasons. One important reason for changing the semi-colon to a dash is that the semi-colon should be followed by an independent clause, and the phrase that the sentence ends with is a dependent clause.

-----Add a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that will be your thesis statement, like, "..but I was about to find out that..."

Undergraduate / Supplement essays for Brown's engineering; '\I was not born to be an engineer' [3]

First of all, I think you should scrap the first sentence, or at least reword it for the sake of clarity. It could start, "For the first fifteen years of my life, I had absolutely no interest in..."

My hatred for math and science...

...Rapid Product Development class changed my whole entire view of the...

Because it was the first time using the 3D program, my teacher, Mr. Musgrove and I learned by trial and error.

I started the tutorial out by making a simple dice.

...worked on different parts and assembled it all together at the end.
My outstanding design confronted the disadvantage?? This doesn't make sense to me.

...most of my time working on projects and wantingto pursue my career in the field of engineering.

Although her lecture was about less than an hour long, my dream of becoming one like her was determined.

...detailed idea while working with machinery used on a daily basis.

Undergraduate / "Animal lovers" - how your interests and related experiences influenced major [2]

It has been about 9 year's since the death...

Spike taught me some of the greatest lessons in life and remains still to this day my...

They continually resorted to mental and physical abuse...

He had been abused by his previous owners who left him with scars all over his body. and.

I felt sorry for him and took him home.

... day, but the minute I got home there he'd be. He would come up to me all excited,...
Spike however suffered from a medical condition known as Epilepsy, a disorder that causes repeated seizures .

In their eyes, he was not worth a penny. of their time.

From that point on I knew I wanted to be a veterinarian .

"How many people can make you feel rare ...
..many people can make you feel extraordinary?

Undergraduate / "getting out of my own way", How to answer college app essay questions? [7]

I take this essay as an opportunity to write this essay to summarize my cultural background, personal growth, and achievements. Besides mentioning my academic goals, I will also describe how they shaped my interests.----but you also do more than that in this essay. You should also mention in this thesis statement that you will describe your experience in Georgia and time spent in the military.

My Father through marriage was a military man... (this is confusing)

My fascination with understanding human development will guarantee...

I guess its called, "building self-confidence."

Undergraduate / "Every war has an end" - Brown inspiration and influence essay [2]

In any United States history class, students learn about the 1960s, and how protest...

to express their anti-war views in hopes that their movement could somehow sway the perspective of the nation.

To glimpse upon the spectacle from the perspective...

...a gathering of miscreants whose sole purpose was to hang out and start a bonfire when darkness descended. This is great writing!

If I could accurately compose a letter in such a fashion then perhaps someone would sympathize and unite in the fight.This could be made clearer.

Undergraduate / Three characteristics best describe me, how can they contribute to the college [4]

You're a good writer, your essay is interesting, and your great personality shines through! Here are some things you could fix;

People around me say I am a caring person.

I like to talk to them about their lives and truly hear their voice.

My friends always question how I can be so calm and positive...

In life, maturity plays an important role. in it.

I have a very clear mind all the time.

Not only these characteristics I have, I am also have creative, enthusiastic,...

...I am looking forward to contributing to Boston University.

Undergraduate / Food science - Cornell CALS/ selection of major [2]

...complete the essays that correspond to your primary and alternate choice. You didn't mention an alternate choice.

This sentence is unclear;
There had been a 'basic' list of objects, which I could only check off with one or two for partially knowing.

However, after about a week of sitting in the refrigerator, it still had the same texture as it had when it was bought.

I learned that these different preservatives usedthat were done had an impact on the outcome of food.

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement event or experience [10]

This is great, I like how you used your own art as an example, and the colorblindness makes the essay very interesting! Here are a few minor things;

It had taken me over a month to complete, but I thought that...

As usual, my art teacher meandered...

I had never quite known what she meant by how I was "choosing different colors". I always felt that I had portrayed the original object in grave detail.

Life is seeing from a different perspective,...

Undergraduate / Lafayette Supp - Describe an academic or creative interest or accomplishment [3]

Ever Since I was a child,I've loved Math and always tried to be a step ahead by always trying to learn new topics and going further in the class.

In Jamaica to be placed into High School you must take an exam consisting of four tests, (write out the word here) Math, English, Science and Social Studies, with topics ranging...

Over the next four years, my math grade improved significantly, and rarely getting...

At first I put the blame for my low grade...

I have now realized that the reason why I didn't achieve higher grades was not because

...but it was because the studying I did was just not enough, and I suffered the consequences...

Grammar, Usage / metaphor for feeling out of control [7]

My advice is to write down four or five strong words that describe the feeling, then get out your thesaurus and look each one up. I can pretty much guarantee you will find the perfect way to say it. Please let me know if this helps you!

Undergraduate / How I First Learned About Bowdoin [4]

I think this is great and to the point, but that you should not write "Bowdoin" so many times.

I listened carefully to the things she had to say about Bowdoin College, and researched Bowdoinit on the internet that night.

...in Smith Union to chat about her experiences at Bowdoin there.

How do you feel about these changes?

Undergraduate / essay about my passion for music and how it has influenced me as a person [2]

Although singing in front of others sent a pure sense of...

From a very early age, I wanted to, and have, to quite an extent, attained a strong understanding...

...opportunity to teach the basics in a school for the underprivileged children.

During my brief time with them, I was able to come in close encounters, withlearn about the hardships these children go through,...
I realized how these people get through what each day that brings with it,...

The more I concentrated on my studies, the more I felt my passion slip through my fingers.

There grew a distance I could not cross, a barrier that made my dreams seem far-fetched, and lack of practice made matters worse.

...always had an inexplicably strong faith in me and I hope these experiences will aid me in leading a successful and fulfilling future.

Graduate / Review of Statement of Purpose- Msc Petroleum Engineering [3]

Your essay is looking good. Here are a few suggestions;

Since the beginning of my secondary school education, I have been aware of the challenges posed by developments in science and technology.

This awareness grew into a profound interes t, becoming the force that drove me into the sciences.

Then towards the ending of my secondary school education...

I am a member of the Society of Petroleum Engineers.

...Petroleum Industry in Nigeria or any other part of the World.

Undergraduate / "Into the Light" -- Significant Risk Essay [7]

Determined to push myself to my intellectual limits, I had let my passion for music to grow stale from disuse.

To perform would mean to be at ease with lights piercing me as... This just doesn't sound right! (maybe "blinding" me?)
I could not help but feel frightened and anxious at the thought of losing myself in the whirlwind of...

After finding out I landed the role of the soprano 'Constance', I could...

For almost the first time in my life, I was truly understanding the extrovert and engaging in foolish acts of humor.I love this!

I earned valuable friends and embraced their sexuality, even though it often differed from mine. I think your essay would be better without this information, as it really has nothing to do with your subject.

Writing Feedback / Pieces of Literature (section of a magazine) [2]

It seems like you could use a 'lead in' sentence at the beginning. One sentence perhaps giving an idea of what Sonata-Allegro is like or sounds like?

The story of life is an ever flowing, intricate piece of work, and influenced by...

Open doors paved the road ...This just doesn't sound right.

I dabbled in music, in art, and language., and so much more.

------------------
You are such a great writer, rhythmic and descriptive! I feel this second essay would be so much more powerful if you cut out the first two paragraphs and start from the third. Try reading from there, and see what I mean.

Undergraduate / My art works or my through the musically inclined voice, FSU Vires Artes Mores. [9]

These guiding philosophies,that which this great university stands by, I believe are embodied and reflected in my life. that made me be the great person I know I am. I think the "show, don't tell" rule should be applied here.

These words relate to us because as human beings, the values these words signify are what we live by and guide our life off of.This is about YOUR life!

All are essential in our everyday lives .

.. because the choices we make every day are made with our emotions...
No one could ever be right than that statement. This sentence is unclear. You could either fix it or leave it out, it's up to you. I don't think it will hurt your essay though, if you leave it out.

God gave me many talents that now I can share with the world to .

Undergraduate / Common App essay (person who inspired me) [2]

Very interesting essay!
If you're going to mention the quotation, you should include it in your essay! (The actual quotation.)
It's taken a considerable amount of time to understand the importance of that person.Do you mean Mahatma Gandhi or the poor person you imagine?

You should write more about Gandhi, relating his inspiration to your life, and also if you spell his name different ways, which I see is ok...

textbooks textbook

In the intro paragraph, you should have one sentence that explains what your essay is all about. Your thesis statement.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay for Middlebury, American, Smith, Mount Holyoke, Dickinson!! [2]

Maybe you could add something at the beginning, some reason you have felt afraid to drive. Do you know how that fear came about?

Sometimes I get to be independent with them when they give me rides.Sad! I remember those days!

Driving has always been, and still is, a struggle for me.

I've seen my friends get their licenses and also how their lives have changed because of it .

Undergraduate / 'comfortable expressing one's opinion' - Haverford: Honor Code Essay [3]

I think it was a good idea to tell about the teachers who did not live up to their responsibilities. It enabled you to give examples of how teachers who have lost the passion for teaching, cause students to lose some passion for learning.

...view while still being able to assert their opinions in a respectful manner...

I think passion is the most essential element in creating an effective...

Undergraduate / Help with my Pratt personal statement. (Graphic design) [2]

Art has always been a passion of mine. When I was no older than five I would keep myself company with a paintbrush and a canvas.----> This seems like a very generic thing to say. Every artist can make that same statement,'art has always been a passion of mine.' It is not very original. Part of the art of composition is to be strong right from the first sentence.

Here is a great first sentence for an essay: Growing up, I would always find myself sitting in the art room at my school trying to find a way I could make a living in a field that was so subjective. ----> right away, this sentence has me interested in the question you raised. I sugest using this as the opening sentence when you do your next revision.

My collage search soon led me to the prestigious and well known Pratt institute.

I feel that it is my responsibility as a person to make my life worth something, and to ensure that I serve a purpose.

Undergraduate / 'My grandparents have the most significant impact in my life' - Study Abroad App Essay [4]

I have been interested in learning Mandarin since high -school, and always wanted to go to study abroad to improve my language ability.

...Chinese proficiency but have also had opportunities...

Thanks to this precious time in Taiwan, I strongly feel that I've become a more mature person.

...history and culture courses to know more about the country where I live in.
I believe that it would be very fascinating to view business-related issues from different cultural perspectives .

I hope I could also help enhance the strong connection between the two universities.

My time at National Chengchi University and these eighteen months in Taiwan have already been filled ...

Graduate / Personal Statement (Graduate School of Education/Credentials and Masters) [3]

Here are a few minor things;

...I looked at the words in amazement because it was the first time I had encountered a phrase that encapsulated ...

I met the boy whose powerful words I now quote, and the rest of the inspirational...

If As a mentor I had such an impact with these high school students, that I thought that if I became a teacher, I could...

My counselor once told me that I should just work at "Jack in the Box" ...What a nasty person!

So, I made myself available for tutoring at night,...

... can breed compassion and inspire success amongst people.

My advocacy work and my experiences in the classroom fuels me to continue working with the youth well beyond graduation .

... these aspirations, I yearn to research about teaching instructions sensitive to the students' background...

Undergraduate / My mother, my first teacher - the person who i admire [2]

... shows me the right way, always supports me greatly, celebrates my birthday and does many...

Perhaps, the thing that makes me admire her the most is that she was my first teacher .

Sometimes, Sometimes when I was down because of failures in my life, I always went to meet her for asking some advice. As expected , I always...

I also admire her for her personality which is a mix of honesty and strong faith in G od, cause and effect.

There is a woman who takes an important part in my life and changes my thought and action.
I think I am a happy person because I have such a great mother.How do you think of your mother?

Undergraduate / 'the red shield logo' - Macalester supplement essay-why mac? [2]

I think your essay might be better if you left out the first paragraph. Try reading it from paragraph 2, and see what you think.

As a person who has never been abroad before, I longing for broader perspectives

I kept moving to those places ever since I learned in a small village's elementary school.This isn't clear. Should it say,..since I learned "about them" in a...

Through my constant efforts and striving , I am now ...

On the other hand,I am also attracted to school's commitment to addressing climate change...

...environmental problem with global perspectives are indispensable .

...activities of MacCARES, a perfect match of my personal interests and future ambitions .

... came from just the school logo, my intuition proved to be right after my future research.

Undergraduate / Cornell Human Ecology--Biochemistry + Small Town [2]

The town is called Bassfield.

... with something like joy thrown in on rare occasions .

As I walked through the umber halls of my elementary school, I pondered the disgusted looks on my classmates' faces.

Racial slurs were thrown, and I the only warmth I was

...through the chaos of puberty ...This is great!

As I learned new techniques, my curiosity was sparked...

I applied biochemistry in my research in order to gain a...

...unchangeable lifestyle to a more modern, accepting one, and continue on the pursuit of gaining knowledge in a field I have sparked interest in.

Undergraduate / Person's character - Florida State University Essay: Mores [5]

From your essay, it sounds as if all three of those values is reflected in your life. Here are a few things to fix;

I never expected a large aspect of my character to...

Back then, a local gang often met a few blocks away from where I lived, which was ironically on the path that I took home from school.

Confusion as to why I was being punished for making a decision.

I stuck to my decision to forgive , and never reconsidered.

Undergraduate / " My African Safari Adventure" - COMMON APP. ABOUT ME ESSAY [3]

While this does give the reader a sense of who you are, it would make the essay more personal if you give a little more information, like how old you were at the time, how you came to be there in the first place, things like that.

...anticipating that something unexpected might be looking back at me .

I looked out at the rolling hills, and at that moment the beauty of nature overwhelmed me with peace and stillness as though time did not exist

We spotted dozens of grazing impala and a family of giraffes ...

We hid behind some bushes to get a better peekat the amazing sight,...

He taught me that even though his family lived a struggle every day, they ...

...who live fully with love and make do when worse comes to worst.

Undergraduate / Princeton Quote Essay---Engaging a troublesome child [3]

Your essay is interesting, I was hooked as soon as you mentioned Ethan.

...searching for where Ethan had hidden my lesson planner this time.

...if I could make Ethan feel as though he played a larger role in my lessons,...

I tried everything from playing "Bible Hangman", to...

Seeing his new found curiosity, I knew that...

...education is not about control, but about...

...stubborn people in my life if I approach them the right way.

...they too can be reached, has proven to be the impetus that drives me to teach..