Undergraduate / Bachelor of Science UBC supplemental application essay - OPINIONS! [5]

That is a smart idea, Shahbaz! Thanks for helping so thoughtfully. I think I agree, but the problem can be solved by presenting the grade in a sentence that is worded carefully. It is possible to give this info in a way that suggests that all grades were good.

:-)

Undergraduate / "write about the honour roll awards" -UBC Supplemental Help [4]

If you are giving them info they can see elsewhere in the application, you should do it in a way that uses as few words as possible. Mention it in passing, but make sure the essay you are writing has its own distinct theme. Make sure you have a clever word or term that will stick in the reader's mind. If you have a great theme, you can give this info about your success in a way that helps to explain the theme.

:-)

I don't know how much this helped! I don't fully understand what you are being asked to write... ?

Undergraduate / Engineering Essay for Columbia University - "Envirothon" [2]

Ever since I can remember going to school, my strengths have always been in math and science. I really think it is a mistake to begin this way. It is important to be original, and TOO MANY people begin this kind of essay by writing about what "I have always been" doing or interested in.

This is a run on sentence:
My strengths were not in the memorization skills required for medicine or the creative spirit required for art or writing, they were in the conceptual understanding of math and science that is required for engineering.----Just change that comma to a semi-colon and you will be okay! :-)

... needs our dire help. ---I think it is important to word this in a different way, because this is actually not the right way to use "dire."

And use a colon here: ...should be determined by one concept: how much contribution one is ...

:-)

Research Papers / Ralph Waldo Emerson and the Transcendentalists [3]

I see a close connection between transcendentalism and Buddhism. I guess transcendentalism comes from Hinduism and Buddhism.. I know Emerson studied that stuff. It might be the most important subject for study! :-)

So... you have an impressive ability to write complex, correct sentences. However, why the stop-and-go traffic? Look here:
These two philosophies, individualism and connecting with the Over-Soul, of Ralph Waldo Emerson and the Transcendentalists, are supportive of each other ...----These commas are unnecessary. Do this:

Emerson and the other Transcendentalists adhered to the philosophies of individualism and connecting with the ....------See? No need for all those disruptive commas.

This is the same situation:
The Transcendentalists, along with Ralph Waldo Emerson, were zealous admirers of Nature, and therefore the Over-Soul. ----Just use his last name after giving his full name once near the beginning of the essay. And revise the sentences so that all the commas are not necessary.

:-)

Essays / "How Uban Legends Work" by Author Tom Harris - Summary of an essay. Title? [3]

Your essay is a separate, distinct piece of writing. It will be a summary, but the way you introduce it will establish a theme. Establish a theme in your intro, and make it a memorable concept that you want the reader to remember. Get a concept stuck in their mind to help them easily think about how YOU explained this story, and you will have a winning summary.

Everything you write should have its own theme. Even if it is a summary of something else, your piece of writing has its own "personality."

:-)

Oh, and in answer to your question, I think you should use a title and subtitle in order to express your theme.

Undergraduate / "striving to reach my goal is more important" - Pre-College program for Sophomores [7]

Your hard work will pay off! Thanks for being an example of diligence and creativity.

It's not about choosing a different, equally vague adjective. It's about messing with the reader's mind:
I had a magnificent childhood, what any child would dream to have. I had leopard cubs, otters, peacocks in our the yard and acres...

See? Let the reader figure it out. That is what the mind responds to. If you give all the info the mind recoils, but if you let the reader figure some of it our on her own... that is cool.

:-)

I had leopard cubs, otters, peacocks in the yard and acres...----This is an intriguing intro! The reader will not need to be told that it was magnificent.

Grammar, Usage / Confused by the clause ("all but / he") - help me parse a sentence [7]

Yeah, this is a really hard sentence.

Okay, well here is the deal:
The brief is a piece of paper that gives some information.
The brief explains that an argument that was made by someone called the solicitor general is not "gospel." In this case, gospel refers to the Holy Bible, and it is a figure of speech. It means that it is not the way the justice department usually works. It is not the "bible" of the justice department. It is an exception to a rule.

The brief says the argument is not the justice department's norm.

The argument "contends" that Ashcroft is immune and "all but" ignores his disgraceful conduct. That means it almost ignores his disgraceful conduct and "contends" (i.e. "argues") that he is immune from prosecution.

If you still have questions, let's talk some more. I think many people will benefit when they read this thread.
:-)

Scholarship / "I work well with others" Florida Southern Scholarship (Change * hard work taught me) [8]

...taught me perseverance and adaptively adaptivity, but most importantly they taught me what is permanent: family and hope. ----I changed the structure of this sentence a little. Adaptively was not quite right. But more importantly, I want to challenge your idea a little. If you want to find out your true identity, you might have to notice that family and hope are not permanent either. :-)

I really like some of your sentences in this essay!
... to provide encouragement and aspiration inspiration for a better future.---Google around to see the difference between aspiration and inspiration. An aspiration is an ambition.

Do not say "embarrassed of..." This is a common error many people make.
When I entered kindergarten I rarely spoke because I was embarrassed of about my pronunciation.

Nonetheless, I practiced speaking to my stuffed animals at home. ---Excellent imagery here! Specify which animals. Were they bears? Monkeys? The reader loves to see a clear image.

I spent a portion of the school day in ...

Is this what it is called? ----> an attorney specializing in Special Education. ---Is it usually called a disability lawyer? What do you call a lawyer specializing in special education? I feel like there is a different word for it.

Well, this is looking very good!

Undergraduate / Structural Mechanics, Theoretical Mechanics and Mechanics of Materials - Statement [5]


Yep, that is why we have Twitter and everything else that requires short busts of content.

And that is why Yoda talks in short, strangely structured sentences.
Yoda would say, "Pay more attention you will when I speak fewer words. Mmmmmm...."

Undergraduate / Occidental Transfer- "The Importance of a Community" [3]

Hi Jessica, you write beautifully. I want to mention something about "however," however. You should not use it in exactly the same way as "but."

Brown is an amazing school, however, but I have come to realize that no matter how amazing a school may be an individual must feel a personal connection with the school to make the most of what it has to offer.

-------------I sometimes use "However" at the beginning of a sentence, but never in the middle like this. Google around about the correct usage.

I don't really like the word prestigious here, and actually I don't like the sentence at all:
By attending Occidental, I can continue to pursue a prestigious education in an environment better suited to my needs and personality. It is great if you can revise this reasoning so that it focuses on your particular career interests, your specializations of interest, etc. Do not focus on prestige, class size, or location. Focus on your plan and your goal.

Occidental's unique hands-on approach to learning makes Occidental an exceptional school. Nah, I think you are reaching here for something to say. It is really important to renew your focus on the specific goals you are trying to achieve and use this essay to explain your plan.

Your writing is very impressive!

Writing Feedback / Being Perfect not only in school [5]

I like that first sentence! But the correction suggested by Saysi is important. Take away that s.

Also, let's say this in a clearer way:
I'm still a student, so I cannot do much damage. it is not quite harmful. I think the situations is much worse when I get to work. Although, I have experienced tragically suffering from my perfectionism in school. ----Ha ha, I really like this theme you are using.

Therefore, I decided to allow myself be spontaneous and slacking off sometimes.

I believe that my perfectionism will get me going and do my best. However, I don't want to be an extreme perfectionist. someday .

Undergraduate / 'Kon Tum, Vietnam' - important achievements and contributions(community,music)- [4]


That's okay, less is more!

Life always contains moments that can fully change one's life experience forever. ---do not use "life" 2 times awkwardly.

I cut that information right out of the essay. The reader does not need to know the name of Kon Tum. Also, I think you should delete the whole first paragraph and begin the essay like this:

The first one My first life-changing experience was the time I spent in Kon Tum, a remote province in the west highland of Viet Nam. as a participant in the campaign organized by the Red Cross Group of District Phu Nhuan in Ho Chi Minh City with the aim of fiving a free health check to impoverished people in Kon Tum, I was mainly assigned to help other members in the group to distribute medicine to the local.

I am happy to have you participating in this forum! Thanks for the work you have been doing. :-)

Writing Feedback / "parents can not be termed as the best teachers" [3]

It is quite true that the first lessons of one's life are learned through parents but that does not necessarily entitle the parents to be the best teachers.

You used entitle in an interesting way here! I like it, but it is not really accurate.

Use the apostrophe: in a person's life.

In this kind of situation, use commas:
Parents, being human beings, are not flawless.

Here, I found a small mistake:
Apart from that, as soon as a child passes through the initial years of life the other factors come into play, like the society, the teachers, the friends and the other people around them.-----Can you find the small change I made?

Writing Feedback / Both genders go out of their homes to do jobs spending too much time at work [10]

I'm glad! Thanks, we need all the help we can get. :-)
And you should be listed among the contributors because of all the time you invest helping people!

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

This is a good question, Tong Gao. Many people have asked this question and similar questions. We have to be allowed to collaborate and use the Internet to practice together, so the administrators of the tests need to acclimate to this new paradigm. We are not going to stop using the Internet to collaborate and learn, so they need to develop their own technology so that they will not make such mistakes.

As for your concern, I want to mention that anything you post in this forum will appear next to your name, because the name you give when you register appears in every post. So, if anyone ever questions the originality of your writing you can just link them to this thread.

But I understand your concern about the exams. You have to just take your chances and do your best. I would not worry about it, but too often I do not worry about things I should worry about. Anyway, maybe if we practice enough together here we can become so skillful that our sentences will always ring with unique style and detail. :-)

Undergraduate / "striving to reach my goal is more important" - Pre-College program for Sophomores [7]

I had a wonderful childhood, what any child would dream to have. I had leopard cubs, otters, peacocks in our yard and acres of lush and greenery around me. ---I still want to try to make this more efficient or something... "wonderful" is just too vague. Some words are better than others. But if you use wonderful, you can at least empower the whole sentence:

I had a [give an awesome adjective here] childhood, with wonders any child would dream of having -- leopard cubs, otters, peacocks in our yard and acres of lush and greenery around me.

Life in the city is beautiful.---beautiful is like wonderful... not very filled with meaning. Compare it to the same sentence with a good word:

Life in the city is dynamic.-----even this is not such a great word...
Life in the city is efficient.------this word makes the sentence meaningful. But if you use beautiful, the reader does not get much meaning, because they don't know how you think about the word beautiful You might be a person who thinks life is beautiful everywhere. Anyway, beautiful and wonderful are not good words. I am prejudiced!! :-)

Undergraduate / "peer-pressure has lost its grasp on me" - UBC Supplemental - Ethical Dilemma [5]

Don't be stressed! Study what interests you, write about it, and contribute to your field. Make your contribution, and reap the rewards. No school can determine your destiny.

:-)

Letters / Research Studentship - covering letter or letter of application for PhD studentship [11]

Yes, please visit the "Unanswered" threads. Thank you!

Please start a new thread with your 6 page paper. I look forward to reading it.

If you rewrite this one, please post it in this thread, below.

:-)

Scholarship / Healthcare program - a citizen of Nepal applying for the scholarship to UU [4]


Oh, wow... my favorite sentence.

Okay, it is well written, and... I like Linmarks' ideas, as always... and I really feel that another sentence is necessary at the end of the first paragraph. Look at the first sentence of each paragraph, and see what is the main idea of the whole essay. Capture that idea in a sentence, and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

:-) nice job!

Undergraduate / UF High School Junior Summer Program - Youth Entrepreneur's for Leadership [5]


Ah! the first paragraph is boring. It is interesting to you, because it is all about you, but to me, the superficial reader, it is irrelevant.

This intro paragraph needs a concept that will intrigue the reader and make the reader feel empowered to discuss a new concept.

Here it is!------> The point of the forum is allow student musicians, artist, writers, and inventors access to an intellectual think-tank to express themselves, and gain feedback and critic from their peers; which is crucial in the stimulation and development of their creative talents.------This is a meaningful observation. It expresses what is on your mind and what is on your agenda as a scholar. You understand this opportunity for artists. I want to point out that this is the most interesting aspect of the essay.

Here is another meaningful sentence: I can also contribute encouragement for divergent thinking and independence among those around me at the program while bringing my talent of bringing out the best work from people, and my infectious personality to truly enhance the community of the YELS program.

Do you see what I mean? These are the sentences that are meaningful to the reader. So... emphasize these concepts!

You write very well.

Undergraduate / "Yes, I am an idiot.." - My Common App Essay ( Fictional Character) [6]


It does, but now that I am looking at it again, I guess I think you should try to answer the question earlier in the essay. The reader can get frustrated, especially if he is the authoritarian type. Answer the question sooner in the essay, and you will make the reader feel placated.

Anyway, I am just saying that because you made me think of it. A smart reader will recognize your thoughtfulness and intelligence... no changes are really necessary!

Undergraduate / "economics was the right career path for me", common app transfer columbia university [7]

It seems redundant to say warm summer and dark night.

It is a warm, dark summer night, awaken by---This structure here does not seem to make sense.

the ticking seconds of a clock and with the first tock of a minute, --I like this!

Like the seconds that continue to run, (add a noun here) are similar to the many steps towards becoming something greater.

This sentence is not complete: Despite the fact that enrolling at Miami-Dade College, at a glance, seem like an impulsive mistake.

However, I do not perceive it as a blunder, but instead I see Miami-Dade College as...

It's important to divide this into paragraphs for good organization. I think, also, as Linmark said, it is very important to highlight what you intend to do. That is what can inspire the reader most.

:-)

Undergraduate / "believe in challenging the status quo" - Showing my Value Personal Statement [6]


If you mentioned him in the essay, then he would become a theme, and this use of his dream expression would be an excellent way to advance your theme. But in order to do that, I think you need to mention Kind somewhere in the essay.

... attending programs in Universtiy which are already being clarified in other essays. As you can see, those are only short-term goals. I thought searching my long-term career goal shuld be my mean purpose in University. ---About this, I think it makes sense. Many topics might be covered in other essays, and you have to stay focused on your goal for this essay.

:-)

This is a great thread!

Writing Feedback / An essay on 'tiger mom' - what should an ideal education be like? [5]


This sentence should be revised so that it expresses the main argument. Can you sum up your argument in a sentence? Revise this so that it succinctly gives your argument.

As an alternative, you can add a sentence before ending the first paragraph. Add a sentence to capture your argument/opinion.

Tiger Mom is an extreme case here, and I do not blame her for doing so. for her decisions. This is because...

when many other Chinese students are working like what is illustrated above, it is normal that Tiger Mom does not want her daughters to get eliminated by the more and more increasingly competitive world. However, is it really...

Put these 2 paragraphs together as one:
However, this does not mean that an ideal education is measured by academic results alone; it should also provide opportunities for schoolchildren to explore the world and be more like a human being. For instance, schoolchildren should...

Do not capitalize after a semi-colon: ... talented in areas like sports and arts; education is, after all, intended to help individuals find their own talents and make good use of them.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Keys To College Success Summary Writing Assignment [8]

I like this essay. It is very clear and meaningful. I think the last paragraph could have another 2 or 3 sentences added to it. You made a great discussion here, so it is worthwhile to expend a little effort to add some extra concept at the end. Add an "extra" idea at the end, and let it be related to the main messages of the essay. What is the final thought you want to give the reader at the end?

Scholarship / "I'm going to change the film industry forever!" -help forming my final paragraph [3]


I agree! It will be great to add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

Also, it will be great to use a colon here:
There's only one problem: How am I going to pay for this education? A few years ago this wouldn't...

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Confused by the clause ("all but / he") - help me parse a sentence [7]

When you say "all but" it is like saying almost. In this sentence, it means that something was almost completely ignored. It is a strange use of "all." Do not worry too much about it. It is a colloquial expression.

If I contend that you are one of the best writers at EssayForum, it means I argue in favor of the view that you are one of the best.

Does that help?

:-)

Scholarship / "to contribute to such active learner environment" - Singapore and USA [4]

You know, I think it is okay to say first, and it is okay to say firstly. I understand Tran An Dung's idea, but actually I think your way is alright.

However, I see some errors:

First, I think the desire to succeed academically will be my first priority as I contribute to such an active learning environment. ---Practice typing this sentence 10 times. The practice is more important than the application.

I attain attained second place in a Math competition at my school, so Math will be my first subject to focus on. My eagerness to learn and improve my knowledge will also lead me to accomplish good marks in other courses.

In order to do so I will ...
This part is too obvious! You can express your own unique idea and approach to a career. You can express the unique concept that drives you to have such success. So, give your most interesting insight at the end of the essay. :-)

Scholarship / "I work well with others" Florida Southern Scholarship (Change * hard work taught me) [8]


It's looking good, but I think the last sentence of the first paragraph should be one that captures the main truth of the whole essay.

Do you know what I mean? Capture that theme in a sentence. Pretend it is the only sentence the reader is going to see.

:-)

Graduate / "the finance knowledge and the entrepreneurial skills" aspects of the MBA [2]

Use colons instead of semi-colons in that intro!! It is a very good idea, but use colons.
This is where I am: ...

I like Platt's ideas, especially that last one about extending the idea.

In general, though, Musiyazviriyo, I am afraid I cannot help you. This essay is nearly perfect. I will be using it to show others an example of an essay that demonstrates real focus and careful planning. You did not waste any words, and you stayed very focused on showing your clear intentions.

I don't think you need any advice!! :-)

Undergraduate / Structural Mechanics, Theoretical Mechanics and Mechanics of Materials - Statement [5]

This is impressive! I want to tell you about powerful communication: less is more.

Use less content, and the reader's experience will be more.

Now I am a junior in Hunan University, in the last two and a half years, I was and after attending many courses during these courses I found that my talent undoubtedly lies in structure.

Structural Mechanics, Theoretical Mechanics and Mechanics of Materials which I learned in were some of the courses in which my performance very good.

Stay in the present verb tense here:
I found find it is so exciting when I finally know what layout of the building's structure is and how it is work to transmits the force to the foundation.

This essay is so enjoyable to read! Any reader with a brain will appreciate you. :-) Aim high!

Undergraduate / What you would name a story of your life until now - Emerson Supplemental Essay [4]


Beautiful, A.
Check out Strunk and White, because your writing has potential for great stuff. Learn the little subtleties of style.

Growing up I was a very shy individual, often keeping my thoughts to myself. ---You can express this in fewer words as part of a different sentence.

Despite the fact that I was a quiet child, I had a very creative mind.---this kind of assertion is not so meaningful. "Show, don't tell." If you show an example of this, you do not even need to resort to making the claim.

Anyway, this is brilliant. :-) Thanks, A. and Sidharth. Great thread...

Undergraduate / "my own creativity and analytical thinking to manage business" - F.I.T admission [6]

Well, Jerry it's great that you are helping so many people. If you sign up as a contributor, you can use EssayForum on your resume, applications, etc. I mention that just because it's the best thanks I can offer. Do you see the link to the EF Contributors page? (at the bottom of the screen)

Writing Feedback / "for a better world to live" - wealthy nations to share their wealth among other [3]

Thanks, Nadine. You are cool!

I want to talk about this mistake at the beginning. Here are some sentences that are correct:
Every nation is different, and each has various achievements.
All nations are different, and they have various achievements.

This sentence is incorrect:
Every nations is different.

This is incorrect:
They has various achievement.

This is correct:
Every nation is different. All nations have various achievements.

Undergraduate / "MUN Club Leader at school" - activities, Common App Short answer [2]


Native speakers are not at a different level. They just have a different dialect. Your way is just as good.

Jerry, you are great...
This edit is very good! I'm really impressed with some of the suggestions. Please check out the EssayForum Contributor Page.

Here is another bit of advice. That first sentence is boring! You need a first sentence that will make the reader VERY interested. You can catch the reader's interest if you make a unique observation, making an observation about the experience based on your own unique personality.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Study at home using technology or study at traditional schools? [9]

...studying at a traditional school that has its own network for online learning thus enhancing the social and learning experience of the school with the new horizons that are being opened by the computing and online technologies.----You have a very god idea here! I think you should add another sentence at the end to make it clear. This sentence is long and complicated. Add a sentence to explain the combination of approaches that you would prefer. :-)

Writing Feedback / "your claim of being a bona fide student in New Zealand" - GAP YEARS EXPLAINATION [4]


This is a poorly written sentence. It is unnecessarily vague.

Honestly, I would not give these people any of my time if I were you. This is not the way to give encouragement to a student. Go to school in a place where they will appreciate you!

If you want to use this essay to persuade someone, you should spend some time with the first sentence: I am applying for visa permit to study in New Zealand because I want a career in hospitality industry.

Forget the rest of the essay. How can you make this sentence as strong as possible? How can you make this sentence perfect? It needs to express more than just the name of your field of interest. It needs to introduce the CONCEPT that represents you.

Try to use some of these changes suggested by Alesha, and work with that first sentence. Pretend the first sentence is the only sentence the reader will see. What will you write to express your strong resolve to succeed in the tourist industry?

Book Reports / what is shakespeare saying about death in hamlet? [4]


This is not really a theme... I mean, it is, but when I think of a theme for an essay I think of a unique observation. Think of it this way... those links above will take you to discussions given by some people who know Shakespeare's work very well. Other people who know it well will have different opinions. If you know it well, you will have your own unique opinion. Your opinion will be unique because it is like this:

Shakespeare's writing X Your personality = a unique insight.

Express that unique observation at the end of the first paragraph.

You might need to read several analyses. In addition to the links provided by Nata, Google this:
Hamlet character analysis
Hamlet analysis
Hamlet theme

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Important qualities of a good supervisor (boss) [6]

I'll correct some of the grammar, and I hope you practice each correction 10 times. That will teach you the correct habits.

These are qualifications that many others admire and emulate.

The challenge in business is getting harder and harder every day.

Without teamwork, accomplishment is a dream. ---Good sentence!!
A desired manager's challenge is to motivate teams for collaboration.

A qualified supervisor creates a shared vision which everyone believes, and they work together to get the job done. ----Very good sentence! I made a small change.

Even though the great attitude a boss might have a great attitude, without empathy, all other attributes are meaningless.

Life has ups and downs, and a supervisor is the one who takes you up when you are down. Once you fail, s/he believes that you are able to succeed one way or another. ---Very good!!

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Noise levels have impact the quality of our life? [2]

I think you did a great job with the organization. I see that you gave a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, and then you began each body paragraph with a topic sentence that supported the thesis.

I would change the thesis to make the essay more meaningful:
There are many noise sources which cause this issue and they should be prevented as soon as possible. The thesis statement is the heart of the essay, so it should be very meaningful. It should not be obvious.

Look at each topic sentence, and try to think of a UNIQUE observation that is being made in this essay. Do you notice any new truth in this essay? A truth you have never before noticed? When you look at all the paragraphs here altogether, do they give you a new insight? Share that unique, interesting idea at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)