Graduate / personal statement (Chemistry majored, I am a little worried with the structure) [2]

The last sentence of your second paragraph is very strong! It would be great if you could work one like this onto the end of your first paragraph.

I found a great deal of joy from doing experiments...

...although its capability was not as strong as I had anticipated.

This experience furthered the knowledge that I acquired at school, especially since I had limited accessibility...

I am confident in my ability to learn and use advanced equipments .

This experience allowed me put into practice what I have learned in theory:...

I served as a co-chairman of our Student Union and led the group to ever best by my excellent social skill. That needs to be revised.

I expect to gain additional knowledge in organic chemistry, which will allow me to participate in the development of economical and environmentally friendly chemical products.

Graduate / Application essay for PhD in Biological and biomedical sciences [3]

Wow, my head is spinning! This is some great writing and a well set up essay. I'm pretty sure they'll see that you belong at that school.

I think your essay would start out better if you reverse the first and second paragraphs.

Is it only the consensus sequences that guides DNA-protein...

I have tried to explore a few of these questions in my current research project.

This is very well written, but you seem to have much more technical information than belongs on this type of essay.

In your last paragraph, you mention faculty you would like to work with. You should include some specific quality of each of them, which you can find by logging onto the schools website.

Undergraduate / 'more fortunate than my mother' - UC prompt #1- My World [2]

The end of your last paragraph seems to end abruptly. I think you can fix this by reworking the last sentence, and putting it at the beginning of the last paragraph.

When thinking about the world I come from...

Even though she could not participate in any extracurricular activities, she worked very hard at school and always made the honor roll.

She chose not to spend her paychecks on the luxuries she had gone without, but to just save her money .

I also do not have the same survival instinct as my mother since there was no need to develop that.

Undergraduate / Adelphi Essay - My Love for Art [2]

I like your writing style, right from the first attention grabbing sentence! Here are a few minor things;

I love art. Ever since I was a little, I've loved to draw.

It wasn't until when I went to school that I discovered my drawing talent.

It wasn't until high school, that I finally attended art school.

I would visit the school's art gallery every day after class to view the works of the experienced students.

At my art school, the students and I not only learned about art, but also more about ourselves.

,,,sketching room for visitors who wanted to sit down and draw sculptures and paintings.

Undergraduate / Fashion has always been an important icon in my family; FIT fashion merchandising [2]

Ever since For as long as I can remember, getting up every morning...

I remember when I was five years old at the time and I dressed up...

...put on Earth to do. Don't capitalize earth.

...but with having the greatest passion for fashion merchandising as I do , there is.

When I got to the end of the essay, my thought was that you are not as serious about your studies, as you are about being fashionable! You don't want to give that impression.

Maybe you should leave out the part about only staying at the last school for one night. Also, you should not say you'll settle for never having a secure job by attending FIT. It sounds as if you don't really believe there's a future in it. Write a thing or two about specific things about FIT that will help you develop your career goals in the fashion industry.

Graduate / What are the differences of these MFA admission requirements? [4]

Here are some links that may be helpful to you;

sundialmedia.com/lori/shyba_CV.pdf
english.ucf.edu/graduate/creative.php - 11k

The letters of recommendation won't have anything to do with the questions; the questions are for you to write in your own words in essay form. I hope this is helpful!

Undergraduate / 'conquering the obstacles' - UC 2: My greatest accomplishment [4]

This is some great writing, well thought out and interesting. What a powerful essay, great story and wonderful person you are.

and was brainwashed into judging them as heretical.

However, things began to change when my mother fled with me to...

...and in tenth grade evolved into an academic and social success.

stay in the proper tense;

When we first arrived on the scene, we were unsure who the victims were. But whether they were Muslims or Jews, terrorists or their victims, my experiences have taught me that all life has value and people should be treated equally.

Essays / Should gay people be allowed to adopt children [6]

I cannot think of any disadvantages either, but why worry about that? If you believe they should be able to adopt, start your essay with a powerful first line stating your opinion, have a strong thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph. The next paragraph will back up what you say...and at the end of your essay, reflect on your stance again to tie it all together. Have fun with it!

Undergraduate / Which of the academic and social communities are most interesting to you? [2]

I love the quotation you opened with!

In our contemporary society, during the age of massive globalization and permanent pursuit of money, power and fame, people begin to forget the primary value of communities they live in as well as tounderestimating the importance of the collaborative engagement with communities and favor they can get from it. Okay, this whole sentence needs to be revised for clarity...easily done if you make it two sentences.

Since it was founded , University of Pennsylvania has always been an important means of uniting people, bringing them up together and setting a common goal.

Hence after years of development and improvement, numerous of academic and social communities were formed, serving the needs of residents of Philadelphia and the Philadelphian community as a whole.

My parents have always taught me to help others ...

Undergraduate / Perseverance Innovate Achievements - Personal Statement to UC [4]

My advice would be to start your essay with the second paragraph. Then, go on to tell about how rejection will only make you stronger and work harder, maybe working in parts of your first paragraph.

But for three years, I sacrificed spending time with my family and friends in order to acquire the preparation.prepare for this audition.

Soon a clear, soothing voice came out ofmy mouth.

After several more singing auditions the judges shortly announced the results.

I said, "Yes," in a heart beat.

No matter what the circumstance is there will always be a time when I arrive at a point of rejection.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:::working for a small company - more chances are to boost in your job [2]

You did a good job of making clear your thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. Your whole essay is well done, but I did find a few minor things;

In recent decades, more than thousands of large companies have been built all around the world.

In this respect, some people emphasize on the role of gigantic companies in today's industry ...

...seems more rational due to chief reasons being discussed in the followingthis essay.

Moreover, another reason motivating me to hold such an opinion is the recent study having been done by the researchers of McGill...

your abilities and skills can be more apt to be noticeddiscovered by your managers.

...objectives in order to be promoted at your work.

While I do appreciate huge enterprises and their contribution to mankind , my status as a young man makes me to appreciate better workplaces.

Writing Feedback / Toefl : lifestyle individualism VS collectivism [2]

This is coming out very well, but I did find a few mistakes;

Living in community based upon collectivism was the widely held belief . "belief" is not the right word here!

...by others because everyone people rely on one another.

Thus, this society is deprived of financial in equality.

...they always have someone help them solve the problems. On the other hand, individualists have to solve their trouble by themselves. This is better as two sentences.

Hence, they will not have drastically mental problems...

Undergraduate / MPH Essay: Choice of degree, program, concentration [2]

You are an excellent writer, this is great. The first thing that stood out to me though, is that you don't open with a clear thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph.

Also a few spelling mistakes;

We hear about health care reform, AIDS, Bird Flu, Swine flu, cancer...

Disparities in health in developing nations, increased prevalence of chronic diseases...

In Cochabamba, Bolivia I worked in a public health clinic located in an under-served ...

To begin to answer these questions, study design, ethical research guidelines, bio-statistical applications...

...a hubbub of policy and research...

...not just an amazing program and CEPH accreditation but also...

Undergraduate / My world, my Greek family, my dreams - UC Prompt #1; Weightlifting and Psychology [12]

Be careful with punctuation; I have very strong roots in my Greek heritage, because, from a very young age,...

an equal pace; even now I'm proud to say I can speak, read, and...

This sentence seems incomplete and should be revised for clarity; I've had the opportunity to try many different sports, however sticking to the three I've done in high school. If you're going to mention three, say what they are. Or, you could leave that part out.

It's great the way you tie weightlifting to psychology, it makes so much sense! Your ending should reflect back on your Greek heritage or something from your opening paragraph, and this will be even better.

Undergraduate / MacCauley Honors Essay Topic See the World [2]

Your first sentence is a great attention grabber!
You need to make a clear thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph to clarify what your essay is about. The prompt is a book, artwork...

Your ending is awesome, but just fix the first paragraph so the ending sums it up.

Their greatest fears, aspirations, and sentiments were all confided in the cracks... I think this sentence would be better if you start with, "They had confided their greatest..."

Undergraduate / My half-sister UC Prompt #2 [3]

This is a great essay and a nice story!

...especially for the damage he caused to our family.

"Instantly, I knew I would love her, regardless of the sins that created her, much like the Pearl of my father's Scarlet Letter." This is such a great sentence!

...restoring our relationship back to its previous state.

...whom I knew had repressed their feelings of hurt like I had , each...

Writing Feedback / Toefl - "not everything in life is according to our wish" [2]

This is basic part of our life.

There are many things in our lives which are forced to do, but that are the part of our responsibilities.

...prove beneficial for us and we start to learn to like them.

Most peoples personal and professional lives are filled...

...you don't like to work with at the office and so on.

But we do this because we know that it is necessary to fulfill our responsibilities in life.

If a person does not visit to a doctor, he might not get well, and this would affect his professional life too. Thus, performing such activities would lessen other problems in his life.

Suppose a student doesn't like to study,...

Writing Feedback / Experience is the best teacher; influential person - Preparing for the Clep exam [4]

Hard to believe that English is not your native language, this is great!

Whether we are in the field of manufacturing or...

Something that experience alone could not provide, which is the ability to design anything. ...This sentence is incomplete.

...talent and to bring out the best in myself.

Many of the practicalities of our professions are learned...

------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------
We had several animals that we cared for, such as canaries, turtles, and a dog.

...through my teacher, through my brother made everything make sense and the logic of music became apparent.

...standing on the 8th story balcony of a 16 story building...

What a wonderful tribute to your brother. I hope he gets to read this!

Undergraduate / Dickinson college supplement-globally engaged citizen leaders [4]

Wow, your third paragraph is powerfully written! Also your ending is done very well. I did find a few things that need work though;

...and I was surprised to learn that my affiliation with journalism started so early in life.

This doesn't sound right, unless you had amnesia! How about, "I was surprised to 'recall' that my...?

As I became the minister of the editorial board...

I shuttled back and forth during breaks to assign my men different tasks, not to mention my starving stomachand at times, my stomach was starving when I was on duty for the broadcasting period at noon, but I loved the job.

But When it comes to work, I am always painstakingly meticulous , especially when I am working in the "press".

Undergraduate / UCF Essay Prompt "Bumps in the Road" [3]

Actually, if you got rid of the whole first paragraph, it would still be a great essay. You're a very good writer!

Immediately upon hearing that story, anyone would be able...

Stories like this even find ways to skillfully illustrate...

...resenting all those around him as if they had a part in making him move.

My grades suffered in classes I knew I had the potential of doingto do better in,...

...words, my eyes agape with disbelief, my head pounding with...

...forget. I felt like I had been made out of glass and that phone call was the hammer...I think this would be better as two sentences instead of one long one.

Writing Feedback / Are human needs for farmland, housing, industry more important than saving lands [3]

Nowadays, a growing number of people focus on an issue that which is the most important for human beings by comparing the needs for farmland, housing, and industry, to saving land for endangered animals.

Other people, nevertheless, extraordinarily object to the idea, that ignoring the endangered animals for the sake of constructions.

However, compared with the requirements of farmland and industry, the protection of endangered animals is a much more crucial problem that we can not ignore .

...the vanishing of the species may exertsan unimaginable influence...

for the animals who are closed to extinction.

outweighsthat of making an improvement of farmland, housing and industry.

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay about my future career plans-feedback [3]

This is pretty good, but you could make it better by logging onto the schools website to find something specific that sets them apart from other schools. A program, a professor, location, why is THAT the school you're interested in?

I'm determined and extremely positive, so I know that I'm more than capable of being part of your program and succeeding.

...and exceed your expectations. just like your other students,and I'm willing...

Undergraduate / Hospitals in Pakistan, International concern [7]

While I can tell that English is not your first language, it does not detract from the way you get your point across. Nice essay.

...as I watched my grandmother lay motionlessly ...

...hoping that my warmth and comfort would bring her back to me.

This shows that even money in Pakistan cannot re assure proper treatment.

In the past The government has announced plans to upgrade all distinct headquarter hospitals. However, as with other numerous decisions and announcements, the plans to upgrade of certain hospitals still await implementation.

but also help Pakistanis by providing them with better treatment and awareness.

Undergraduate / "The Mexican" Personal Statement [3]

I am always motivated to do well in order to reach my goals.

Though sometimes it's hard to stay focused and keep working hard, I can say that the two most important people who keep me motivated have to be are my mother and father.

They have played a huge role in (shaping, creating,?) .. who I am as a person today.

My parents arrived in this country with little money...

They eventually began working but worked long hours for very little pay, though all was worth it because...

As soon as I began high school I was determined to do my best, which I very well achieved my freshman year.

My sophomore and junior years were...

It was difficult to balance both my studies and work, while working roughly twenty-five hours a week.

Working throughout my sophomore...

Your essay is pretty great, well told and interesting. Good luck in school!

Graduate / SOP for MFA in Studio in Film, Video and New Media [2]

Having entered to the fascinating world of Visual Arts has...

...was the piece that introduced me to the video technique.

...word video has become increasingly important ('to' or 'in') my work and...

Within which these documentaries, the diverse addressed themes will be...

If I would have had to define the duration and format of these,...

...will be a determining element in the future development of my work.

...cultural metropolis -a characteristic that as an artist I appreciate and value...

On the first hand Chicago is a cultural metropolis...

BeingThis is a very important factor,...

This is a very interesting essay, they will be lucky to have you as a student!

Undergraduate / "The importance of hardship"- UC Prompt [2]

My first thought is that you should let go of the first sentence. Someone who does not know you personally, would have no way of knowing and certainly, they could not tell by your writing. If English is your second language congratulations, because you have a better grasp on it than a lot of people born here!

...my parents decided to come to the United States of ...

...hardship my parents had the good fortune of living decent, middle-class lives.

Despite (a, our, or their ) comfortable status, my ...

...my parents understood that the future of their children would have a much better chance for success and prosperity in America.

...father had to work overtime, so my brother and I had to spend the night...

"You have to learn to overcome hardships in life or success will never come your way. in life ." I took the liberty of changing this, just because I liked it better with 'in life' just written once. No disrespect to your dad!

...whether it was in school or my personal life,...

as a detour on the path to success.

Writing Feedback / Comparative Essay for ENG 1100... subject: Depression [3]

This essay is very well written! It does seem to end rather abruptly. You can fix this by combining the last two sentences, which will also look better than having 'function normally' written twice so close together.

Depression is different from regular sadness in that it can lasts for months or even years.

Depression is a disease that affects ...

Serotonin is one of three major neurotransmitters, and is responsible for processing endorphins that cause stress. I made these two short sentences into one which flowed better.

Many depressed people may overindulge in fatty, unhealthy foods, while others may refuse to eat all together.

Dopamine, another neurotransmitter affected by MAO levels,...Watch out for spelling, as affect and effect are easily mixed up.

Undergraduate / How I Role Model (UC PROMPT #1) [5]

The word turbulent doesn't seem to fit the word 'thump', as it implies something that is ongoing, like a storm, a bad relationship, etc.

A loud thump caused me to abandon my homework ...

it was then that I realized my work had begun to pay off.

My concern eventually led me to confront my parents, who assured me that sooner or later it would all work out.

I began to realize how large of a part I was to play in his life,...

I am expected to be the epitome.The epitome of what? maybe perfection?

Undergraduate / UT austin "Issue essay" [3]

Wow, great essay!
...personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope ...you covered ALL of these!

I am one of the many people who believe in instituting universal healthcare. as My personal belief regarding this much-heated debate stems from long-term health concerns for my parents.

...which statistically means that age-related health problems are more likely to arise, and compounding this possibility...

Undergraduate / 'studying politics in-depth' - GWU essay about what influenced me to apply [4]

Out Of the many reasons that inspired me to apply to the George Washington University, the reason that shines out the most is politics.

In e very session, I have represented a different country other than my home countries such as the Iran, Myanmar, and Sweden.

Although the M.U.N delegates did not come up with a resolution that all the countries could agree on, I believe I tried my best to follow what the real representatives of Iran might have done.

M.U.N has taught me it's not easy being a country most people have aprejudiced notions on.

...and helped convince her to reform our school's system of education and extend fee waivers to more needy students in our school.

Graduate / ' I began my undergraduate career at ...' - SOP for PhD in biological and biomedical sciences..... [3]

This is great, a very interesting essay. You started out strong and kept the pace all the way through to your strong ending

I began my undergraduate career at ...., India with the vision of becoming a pharmacist. but My aspirations were soon redirected towards pursuing basic science, as I was completely fascinated by the whole range of research opportunities United States could provide.

At that point I had become familiar with the projects performed in various laboratories and decided to pursue my...

I believe that I can hone the skills I have developed in the laboratory in any field.

Undergraduate / USC prompt : "Perception of Mortality" does it agree with the prompt? [4]

While your first paragraph is good, I think the essay would start out stronger if you make the second paragraph the first. You should, of course, incorporate the first one in there too because it's great writing.

Anything else I could find to mention, you can easily fix by reading the essay out loud to yourself;
I looked down and my legs and noticed that...

Situations that before I wouldn't think much of, now received deep analysis; it is safe, what negative outcomes may come from doing this, is it worth it?

Graduate / 'my technical, intellectual and creative skills' - SOP for in Petroleum engineering [4]

Google this: Canada Petroleum Engineering Programs.

I found this right away for you: canadian-universities/Universities/Programs/P etroleum_Engineering.html

Really, you are better off asking google instead of asking me! Here is something else:

gradschools/Subject/Petroleum-Engineering-International/307.html

Writing Feedback / ESSAY ON "THE WAR ROOM" MOVIE ABOUT CLINTON'S '92 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN [2]

Wow, you're a very good writer! Your essay is powerful and interesting all the way through.

The election under scrutiny is the election between...how about the word 'campaign' there? Then you won't have 'election' twice so close together. Or you could change it to; The election under scrutiny is the one between...or contest between

Carville, a hard-nosed kind of man, breaks down in front of on national television thanking is co-workers, family, army, and supporters.

The impact on one's life is so significant when participating in of a movement that changes the world that the finished product is almost unbearable.

Although seemingly contemptuous, all sides in a campaign contribute to making this behavior not only accepted, but promoted.

Undergraduate / UC promt 1: Environmental Studies [2]

This might not seem like a very strong subject to you, but you can make it interesting by the way you write it.
For example, if we take this sentence; I believe this is where my interest in Environmental Studies was born. and change it like this; "I believe my interest in environmental studies was born in a jar with a butterfly, as I watched in wonder..." Then make that the first sentence of your essay.

My fondest memories of my early education involved small science experiments and outdoors activities.

Being allowed to observe the growth and participate in the process turned abstract ideas into real, replicable, processes.

The combination of social and biological studies is the appeal to becoming an environmental studies and economics major. This needs to be revised for clarity.

Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt 2- Grandpa's Sin, My Revelation [4]

Well, your accomplishment was deciding to hold onto your bond with your grandfather even though he had hurt the family by having an affair. I think you should sum up the whole first paragraph into one strong sentence, then add it to the second paragraph. Your essay will be clearer and you'll have space to elaborate on how good it feels to forgive, how we all make mistakes, and how we can learn from the mistakes of others.

Undergraduate / 'undeveloped third world countries travels' BOULDER what can you contribute [3]

This essay is coming out very well!

As part of a group that traveled across the border by bus, we built houses for families that had no other place to live.

For my city's recreational program, I have volunteered as a youth soccer coach for the last eight years ...

Contribution and diversity have been a central components in my life.

Undergraduate / UCF has a well-established Nursing program and is very well-known. Why I chose to apply to UCF? [4]

This would be tighter and more interesting if you start it with your second paragraph. You don't need the first three sentences at all.

I feel that the College of Nursing at UCF is the best nursing program at which to obtain a degree in nursing.

UCF is a very good and well-known University.UCF is nationally known for many of its aspects, such as sports, academics, activities and has been rated a top public University in the United States....This sentence would be so much better if you inserted some specific things, for example, WHAT activities?

As he had a great experience there at .... , I hope I will have the pleasure to also.

Undergraduate / "ushering people in from sub-zero temperatures" - Stanford Essay [4]

Well, your first sentence sure is an attention grabber!

"Standing in a line that stretched forever gave me the chance to talk with people who held vastly different perspectives and opinions for several hours."...This sounds wrong, but we can fix it like this;

Standing for several hours in a line that stretched forever gave me the chance to talk with people who held vastly different perspectives and opinions. for several hours.

...and to this day, because of events like this, hair would've never been necessary.

You are a great writer! Thanks for the interesting essay, you gave me renewed energy for reading more today!

Undergraduate / "very diverse, delightful, and invigorating" - Rutgers Undergraduate Essay. [4]

This sentence is unclear; My life, by far, has been devoted to school and home in the books , studying and doing work.

At first, I thought my life was going to remain mundane, until one day I realized what was happening (?) and made a plan.

I figured that if I work hard now, I do not have to worry much about any difficulties that will come my way.

...and that if I put my heart into everything I do, life would reward me with many benefits.

The place was veryRutgers University is diverse, delightful, and invigorating.

Your essay is coming out well! You can clarify most of it by reading it out loud to yourself to see if it sounds right.