Writing Feedback / Happiness directly relates to economic success [4]

it is undeniable that happiness directly relates to economic success nowadays.
Maybe say it like this: "It is obvious that a person's happiness is related to their economy."

From my point of view, the success of economy plays an important role in happiness of each other for may reasons.
Or you could say: In my opinion, there are many reasons why the economy plays an important role in an individual's sense of fulfillment."

Firstly, having a fair finance,people can spend their money comfortably without worrying about any problems.
Don't use "firstly, secondly, etc." These are unnecessary. I would try to be more clear about your reasons for the economy relating to people's happiness. "having fair finance" does not really mean anything-- use some really good examples, like 1) affordable access to goods and supplies 2) access to a proper education 3) available jobs that pay enough money to meet basic needs 4) access to healthcare

Undergraduate / 'State Track Meet in Triple Jump' - Common App Extracurricular [2]

Five years had passed from when I first stepped onto the runway; since then, I'd grown to love the sport in leaps and bounds-literally.

Say: "My love for the sport had grown in leaps and bounds-literally"

Track is a never ending challenge of what can be achieved.
Maybe say it like this: "Running track is an example of a never ending challenge, there is always more that a runner can achieve."

The idea that the limit of my abilities directly correlates to the effort put forth comforts me in other aspects of my life that I cannot control.

This sentence is confusing, the way it is written, I know what you mean though.

Track dared me to explore new depths of myself both mentally and physically, and taught me the importance of team camaraderie, from rising up after struggles to celebrating our success together.

Can you expand on these thoughts? Instead of combining them all in one sentence, maybe describe how you learned these qualities one by one.

Although I came up short last year, look out for me in May. I continue to strive forward.
Can you provide more details? Say how you are continuing to improve your skills as a runner, and that you expect the best for yourself.

Undergraduate / Article on in-kind donation; research on TOMS and similar organizations [2]

Hi :) I have a few suggestions.

Try to organize your thoughts. You have a lot of information on your topic, which is great! Be sure to answer the prompt, it is asking you to form an opinion. So, strongly and clearly state how exactly you feel about the companies. When you say "There are actually several drawbacks that come along with in-kind donations." that is leading up to some great ideas, but you never exactly say your opinion, which is necessary for this paper.

First off, they damage the country's economy in the long run. Every time goods are shipped in for free, local companies that sell the same thing shut down, which also loses jobs for workers. One researcher, Garth Frazer looked into "Used-clothing Donations and Apparel Production in Africa" and found that over the period 1981-2000, there was a 50% decline in employment and a 40% decline in production.

Can you add more reasons to support this? Add some solid facts besides the fact that one researcher did a study. You are on the right track, but add more to this if possible.

Undergraduate / UF Essay-Contributing to the campus-unemployment issues [3]

Hi :) You have done a good job with your essay. I think I can make a few suggestions for you.

"You can do this", she thought to herself. Nervously, she ran a pep talk in her head as she approached the oncoming traffic of students. "Just go out there and don't stop till you help at least one person. One person is a world of difference because unemployment is a big issue." The girl took a deep breath and stepped forward.

I think you should tell this beginning part in first person, as it becomes confusing when transitioning to the next paragraph. Maybe you should make this intro a bit longer by adding a few more details, create a setting that the reader can imagine.

So, instead you should do it like this to make it sound better: "I shouted out to the crowd walking by, passing out flyers as I spoke. "Hey, hey you! What's your name?" The girl I spoke to stopped suddenly and turned around, slightly annoyed by the approaching stranger."

And, "Cici looked hesitant but I wasn't going to give up,"

"I promise you can do this. There's nothing to worry about, this was put together for you to take advantage of."
Don't end a sentence with "of"

Cici was a girl on my campus who later thanked me for leading her down a path she would not have explored without my encouragement.

You did a great job by helping! Can you clarify this statement a little bit? This is a major point in your paper.

It was truly a humbling experience to know I was able to step up to the role of being a leader for another student as they took on the challenge of succeeding not only in their education, but in the workforce as well.

This sentence is too long, can you split these ideas up into 2 sentences?

Undergraduate / UC Topic 1 - Independent Girl; Describe the world you come from [2]

Work on the beginning of this paper, make it clear what your topic is right away. The part about driving does not connect well to the rest of the paper. Be sure to shine the best light on yourself and try not to sound too negative. It makes me feel sad for you, but I don't think this is the best way to show yourself to admissions officials. So, in a straightforward way, explain that you were not nurtured or encouraged in a caring way. Explain why those experiences made you more independent and strong. Say why this strength will make you more resilient and capable of making it in this world. Say how you learned at a young age that the only one who will achieve your goals is you, and you have gained the confidence to do that. With these skills, you will be very successful and competitive, in order to excel in school and in the workplace. You can do it! Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'hard work can pay off and be so rewarding' semester at sea entrance essay [4]

Hi :) You are off to a good start, but you do have some minor grammar issues. So, besides describing your experience with your dad, you should mention a few other things. Describe the education you have had so far, and relate that to what you hope to achieve academically. Say what qualities you have that will make you a good candidate for this. Explain in some detail what your plan is for the future. Explain your short term and long term goals. Name what steps you intend to take to reach your goals. Say what your educational experience at sea will do to help you along the way to success. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / How do I make this essay special? MIT Attribute Essay [4]

I'd like to hear more details, and a short example of a situation where you mastered a high stress scenario. Name some personal qualities about yourself that relate to dealing with stress. It is true that some people crumble under stress because they lack the confidence to ride through the storm. Dealing with stress takes ability to assess a problem and quickly use critical thinking skills to find the best solution, without letting worry slow them down. This is a quality of many people who work in professional jobs, so maybe relate this to your career path. Is this personality train innate, or did you have to learn it, sometimes this comes from a life of trials which build up your ability to deal with stress. You have one really long sentence that needs to be adjusted: Attending a "pressure cooker" high school has only exacerbated the stressful environment in which my peers and I are expected to learn to the point where we live in a constant fear of the next 5-point homework assignment or any grade lower than a 95.

Undergraduate / 'National Institute of Mountaineering' Common App Essay: A significant Experince [4]

The day before, I had a little experiencepracticed a littlethe day before , learning foot and hand placement, but collectively I had no clueI was unsure of my climbing ability .

It was a lovely morning, the air was crisp with the sun maturing over the horizon.

To my surprise, I was at the top; I was filled with success.successfully made it to the top.

My hands quivered, my feet were sliding and losing their grip, and my back was sliding off of the rough rock face.

A feeling of claustrophobia was engulfed my mind; the walls were getting too close w hile I was still climbing.continued to climb.

It was difficult, but ultimately I faced my fears.

Whether areor not I have been successful in a climb,

Undergraduate / 'Rubik's Cube' - Tips for my paragraph? [2]

I think that when you try to solve any puzzle, you must start with the most basic part or piece. Even if you match 2 cubes of color, you have made a small victory, you have made a step in the right direction. With determination and critical thinking, you can gradually solve the puzzle, little by little. Your main goal is to do your best, try as hard as you can, concentrate, focus-- these are all qualities that you need in school and life. When comparing your life and school to the rubik's cube, keep it positive! Some of the things you say sound honest, but depressing. I don't like the confusion, I like the ideas and interest in your future. Put down the cube and create a path, a walkway, brick by brick, step by step, pave your own path to success.

Writing Feedback / 'Time of judgement' - college essay [2]

I like your story, it is very well done. You have a good writing style and a nice way of describing details. I like the way you added your innermost thoughts into the story. There are some moments of "rambling" that I think need clearing up, for example "The riffs and chords resonate through my bones and travel up my nervous system and reach my brain and I'm not even aware of any separation between me and the guitar, because there is none." When you speak of judgement, you are alluding to the rest of the essay... "He points his finger at me, the finger that signals the approaching time of judgment." This is mentioned again at the end of your essay, how judgement is on someone else now... it would be beneficial to your paper to elaborate on the judgement theme. There needs to be some kind of moral or purpose to your story, because it is only a story without any other information. If this is for a college entrance application, then you need to work on making this more than just a story, even though it is great, give it a reason for being. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "My heart stood still as Glitch took its first shot"-University of Florida Essay [2]

Facing challenges like this hasshaped and influenced my character, academics, and interests toward an enriching and contributing college career.

I was interested in working with other aspiring students and engineering mentors who shared my passion and interest for engineering.

As a first year rookie team with minimal experience ,we gladly accepted the challenge.with minimal experience,W e dove headfirst into the arduous task of organizing our team and preparing for the build season.

Because I have a passion infor engineering and want to share it with others, I displayed initiative by taking chargeand assumed the role of beingthe lead mechanical engineer. WithI completed the assignment of mentoring fellow classmates on the principles of engineering.andI successfully oversaw the construction of Glitch, and that was the perfect job for me.

Writing Feedback / Causes, effects, and solutions to DIVORCE [2]

Causes, effects, and solutions to DIVORCE
Be sure to discuss each of these topics equally. If you were to create an outline of your paper, it would include:
Intro: Divorce is a major issue... here are some things that I will elaborate on...
Body 1) Causes... why does divorce happen? Here are some reasons...
Body 2) Effects... When a couple divorces, what are the repercussions?
Body 3) Solutions... connect the solutions to the effects, what good can come out of a divorce, and how can those problems be solved?
Conclusion: explain the purpose of your essay, and wrap it up with something serious but inspirational.

Try to organize your thoughts before you write them all out, be simple, clear and concise. Stick to the point, say exactly what you mean, and you may want to point out a personal experience if possible. If you do these things, it will be easy to stay on the right track. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'unique heritage and traditions' - Rutgers College Essay [4]

Hi :) Your essay looks really well done. I like your topic, and you give many reasons why you are writing about that topic, It is interesting and intelligent. I chose a few things that you may want to revise. Good luck in school!

I have friends that come from all different corners of the world. For example, my best friend, Danny, is from the Middle East and he lives in a very religious Muslim family. When we first met, I was very unaccustomed to his traditions, and I thought that he was weird.forhis manyHe followed Muslim customs such as only eating with his right hand and how he always shavedkeeping his armpits shaved.

I think this needs a better transition from the sentence introducing Danny to the description of his customs... "Danny is an interesting person because he comes from a completely different culture than my family's background." (this sentence now introduces what is to come in this paragraph)

Furthermore,itDiversity has taught me how to come to respect and acknowledge certain beliefs, even if I am strongly against them.as well asI have mastered the abilityhow to effectively communicate with people who come from different cultures.

Undergraduate / Overall Richness of Campus Life-Michigan State Undergrad Essay [2]

I like what you have written, it is very straightforward. Is there anyway you can include anything about your personality and show some individuality? Try to find a way to stand out. Otherwise, your essay might sound the same as many other applicants'. You mention "comfort zone" twice... maybe you shouldn't use that phrase because it makes you seem unsure...

I have several characteristics that will allow me to contribute to the richness of campus life.
Maybe say it like this: "I believe that I can make a significant contribution to the richness of campus life."

It is easy for students to become just another face, particularly at a large university, but I intend on taking full advantage of the diversity at MSU by breaking out of my comfort zone and becoming an active member of the East Lansing community.

This sentence is too long. Maybe say it like this: "At a large university, it is easy for a student to just blend in with the crowd, but I want to stand out and be noticed. I want to make my voice heard, get involved with my teachers and classmates, and become an active member of the community."

Undergraduate / 'Fatherly Advice' / 'Learning in Vietnam' - entrance essay A & B [2]

Hi :) You have a lot of grammar issues that need some work. I will pick out a few things that may help you, these are suggestions on grammar improvement.

Working hard will pay off in the end. This is a simple statement that my father uses when he is stressed out or when I am stressedworried about homework. Although he has stated many of different kinds of quotes, this has appealed to me most of all . The reason for it is that this quote means so much to me is becauseI have beenit has motivated me multiple times during thosestressful times.of stress . It has built me up to try the best that I can be and succeed in the future. As a father, he wishes for me to go through a better life than his struggling life. My father displays many great qualities and he isc ourageous, humorous, and intelligent. ï all are qualities of what of my father depicts as.

During the time he has lived in America, he has learnedthe English literature, which has benefitedbothhimself and other foreigners because he helps translate those who only knew Vietnamese.

He has beenI have considered him to be one of my favorite role models asbecause he taught me that education is important since itwill help me to build a stronger future.

By l earning more about my father's past,has made mecompared my past to his and I have been overwhelmed.
Work on this sentence, it is confusing. Lead into this paragraph with a strong sentence that explains what the paragraph will be about. Say "When I think of my father's background and struggles, I realize that I can learn from his experiences."

Undergraduate / "Black Powers" -- Main Essay for Dartmouth [5]

In allthe greatest seriousness and certainty that you could possibly ask for in a housewife, Mom added: "It keeps you healthy."

As I approached one after another suspicious-looking officers giving me looks of suspicion , fear took in charge of my heart.T he smell, so strong - would they have a search dog that didn't like themight react to the smell of walnut and jujube?and barked at me?

I though to myself" Oh please don't discard it into random garbage where it laidwould lay with some unfinished General Tso's Chicken in a box." - Mom had to wait two and a half hours in the pharmacy before all the jujubes were dried,andground and well mixed...

Thus, I never could not wait until the officers toasked meto explain what those powders were.

Eagerly, I felt anthe urge to defend myself as soon as they unzipped my suitcase

NowThen, the officer was wiped the inside of my suitcase with a piece of dusting paper that tests for potential "foreign viruses" ; I knew the drill, and I bet you he had caught sight of the obnoxious Ziploc bag.- though vaguely, didn't I just see him frowning?

Undergraduate / I'm from Afghanistan and I want to continue my education in a college in the USA [4]

The use of cutting-edge technology and top learning facilities, excellent teaching, coupled with personalized study programs and individual attention make the United States' education system an outstanding education system!

Global rankings have repeatedly show the dominance of United States' education system.
Graduating from an American university means a lot to Afghans, it will have a huge impact on my future ambitions and goals.

You may want to say it like this: "The united states has an outstanding reputation for their educational system. The personalized study programs are second to none, by utilizing cutting edge technology, excellent teaching, and individual attention. When researching global rankings, the USA's educational system and universities exceed all other countries. As student from Afghanistan, obtaining a degree from an American college would have a huge impact on my career and future ambitions."

t isA fter a good deal of self-evaluation,that I have decided to pursue graduate studies in Information Technology and Network Administration. I naturally made t his decision followed naturally after carefully considering my past experience in this field.theThis is my area of my interest and my ultimate professional ambition, which is to start an internet service provider company in Afghanistan.

The internet business is one of the most promising ones in Afghanistan. I have already done a lot ofextensiveresearch and I had the chance to be trained in some areas in Herat's IT incubator by IBM consultants. I feel that a proper education in the United States will give my professional ambitionscareer a huge boost!leap in the path to success

After r eading reviews by students who attend or have attended XXXXXX College,and their positive reviews and feedbackreally made it easier forled me to become interested in XXXXXX College.

Another point in beingreason that I am interested in XXXXXX wasis that I have family living not that far from the college which is very important for me, as adapting to living in United States will be a lot easier.

Undergraduate / 'Imperfect, but inspiring' - Common App Essay [3]

Hi :) Your essay looks great to me! Let me make a few minor suggestions.

His arms, as well, are also scarred,overatop thick muscle, developed throughout years of manual labor.

His hands are perpetually stained black from the oils and grease that he works with.from his work.

Although in appearance, he appears to beis the most frightening person I have ever known, he has had the most unbelievably profound impact on my life.

It was him thatHe taught me to never judge a person based on what they wear on the outside, but instead by what is in their heart.

He is strong, but year after year, I see him gradually become less and less capable.

It is not necessarily about good grades or having a perfect life, it is about doing your absolute best to overcome the trials that we all face.

Undergraduate / Tell me about your self - essay type for application job... [2]

My name is Ryan B. Cuizon Jr. and I live in Ph.5 Bagong Silang Caloocan City. I graduated infrom S.T.I College of Novaliches in the course ofwith a Diploma in Computer and Electronics Technology.during my studiesThrough this education, i learned more about computer history and how it helps the people in daily life. I actually learned the skills of a Computer Technician when i goes in myperformed On the Job Training in Manila.My OJT was at Standard Today, a News paper Company were in their arewhich had lots of computer problems.where were going toThere were many things to fix, like computer reformatting, diagnosing, fixing uprepairing cables, networking, and some data entry. i really enjoyed my OJT. And iAlso,takedI took a vocational course named PC Operation,werein which i trained to become a DATA encoder. I enjoy this course, because after 3 months i canlearned to type 45 to 50 word per minute in correct hand position.and i am also computer literate because that isPart of the course taught mebecome literate in the computer literacy. My strength isskills are based on my knowledge,and skill i obtained in my studieseducation, and life experience.in my life. My goal i s to finish my 4 year degree , actually after i finish my vocational course. i proceed my studies in computer engineering and it credited what i finished that is why im 3rd year irregular student but i stop because of financial problem and i need to help my parents too. I know its hard but there is nothing impossible in God trust him and he will guide you in the right way...

You may want to work on the last few sentences, they are a bit confusing. i hope this helps! Good luck with your studies.

Writing Feedback / 'Myths are the symbols of humans primitive cognition about the world' TOEFL ESSAY [2]

We are living in a world that isconsists of substances which are ,scientifically speaking,the productresult of the Bigbang that happened a trillion years ago.all the things around usEverything in the world is real,touchable,or in other words,they are in thea state of existence. (Be careful with this statement, as it is not exactly true- there are invisible, untouchable, unproven things as well...)

ThereforeM yths is stupidare just fantasy ,simply because they are the symbols of humans' primitive cognition about the world.The i magination that exists in a child's brain is redundant.say,T he emergenceconcept of imagination is only burdens people's daily work that hasis heavy enough.do you agree with that?I think I will give the same answer as yours toward these questions,including this one with no exception.

This requirement of this essay is to write your opinion about this subject, to choose a side and make a good argument. Try to give your opinion in the first paragraph. "I feel that... reality is much more important than fantasy, and that reading should be focused on facts and science." Then, in the next paragraph, give several reasons why you feel that way. You don't need to be super persuasive, just say what you think, and try to write as if you are stating facts, not just chatting with other people, so avoid using "you, us, we..." and speak as if you are writing an article.

Writing Feedback / Essay: compare and contrast between communicating by mobile phone and letter [3]

SineIn the past, people have written letters to communicatecorrespond with others.soL etters became thea major form of communication . NowadaysMore recently , people use another way, this isalso use mobile phones to communicate . Therefore,T here are numerous similarities but also differences between communicating by mobile and letter, and there are some differences between them . I will outline some of these.

The first important similarity is thatThanks to mobile phones and letters , wepeople can easilymake contact with each other easily in every wherecountry of the world.

Maybe you can not see each other, however, you still talk with them, share your experiences and you can also know about your friend life.

This may sound better. "Even over a great distance, friends can still talk and share experiences." Try to write objectively, like you are writing an article, instead of a persuasive essay. Write as if you are stating the facts, not talking to people, instead of saying things like "you still talk with them". So, avoid saying, "you, we, us..." Instead of saying "express your feeling" Say, "express feelings".

Undergraduate / 'Fears of hospitals' - motivation towards becoming a Physicians Assistant [2]

She worked long hours, which gave me ample time after school to explore the hospital while waiting to go home.
Here is another way you could say this: "She worked long hours, and I spent a lot of time exploring the hospital as I waited for her after school."

The time I spent and the encounters I had with these professionals helped me realize that the healthcare field is something I want to be a part of my daily life.

Or, you could say it like this: "By spending time with medical professionals, I realized that I want the healthcare field to be a part of my daily life."

I was fortunate to learn that the comfort I felt inside hospitals would help me overcome obstacles that I would soon face.

Ryan was an amazing older brother and an even better friend, but he had a few issues that put him in precarious situations.

I was always the onetostayed with him in the hospital, per his request, and I was the only one to visit him every Sunday in rehab, and the only one he would call when he was in a sticky situation.

Losing a sibling at such a young age is not something anyone is prepared to deal with.
Maybe say it like this: "Nobody can prepare for the shock and despair of losing a sibling at such a young age."

Undergraduate / 'The world of cinematograph did not let me go' [2]

Firstly I perceived the sense of at-oneness with cinematograph quite early - in the very childhood.
This may sound better: "During my life, I have always felt a connection to the world of cinematography."

It laid in long, complicated movies with various faces and cordial soundtracks, which entered my life so that it is still played there; movies on the old embossed screen of the huge box with jams and background noises, but none the less awesome.

This sentence is too long and a bit confusing, can you clear this up, and create 2 sentences out of this?

I watched movies at myin the old Granny's house, movies from the wood table covered with wattled cloth .
This is not a complete sentence. I fixed it for you.

They have always been making me to reconsidercaused me to constantly reevaluate my entire life.I tend to invert everything, and dissolve into the weird dreams of myself , from where sometimes it is too hard to get out.awaken.

But I had nothing more to talk about, nothing more to live for. I just felt I had to write, write, write and write, giving up everything else, even when everyone were laughing at me, even when everyone were telling me to change the way and no one believed in me.

This part is essential to your paper- clear this up. This is key- you are introducing your best talent which is writing and analyzing films.

Undergraduate / Literacy rate of Pakistan -local, national, or international concern [2]

The literacy rate of Pakistan is hardly 45 percentage .
You could say it like this: "In the country of Pakistan, the literacy rate is disturbingly low; only 45 percent of people can read."

Every year,thousands ofthe educational system is plagued with illegal meansactivity and corruption,are being reported , which ends with no result .which has no solution in sight.

Pakistani students take examinationsunder nowithout security and vigilanceor discipline.M any students take mobile phones , notes , andacademictextbooks with them.andThey take examinations by cheating , moreoverand many students will use money and relations for a passing test score.good result .

Undergraduate / 'My passion for speed' UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 [2]

August 3, 2011, a drunk driver hopped into the driver seat, ignited the engine, and recklessly drifted out of the parking lot.recklessly. His vision was blurred and his mind was altered.He sped through the red light and made a sharp left turn.

Our angel was left brain-dead days later, and our tears continued to stream down our faces.
Use one more sentence before this one to create a better transition. Say something like "The accident sent a shock wave through our community, as our friend became another innocent victim to a drunk driver." (btw.. I am so sorry for your loss, it must be a difficult subject to write about and you are very strong!)

When I saw "R.I.P" statuses on social media, I was traumatized and overwhelmed with the rush of emotion.

The excruciating loss of a great friend caused me to realize howthat human life is extremely fragile.human life is.

As a Chinese immigrant...
At this point, starting with this idea, begin a new paragraph (try to make your essay have an intro, body, and conclusion)

Undergraduate / 'Overcome my greatest challenge in life: Depression' Five paragraph Impact essay [3]

My best friend Sabrina made a huge difference in my life.because I learnedA longside her, I learned to believe in myself, I found the courage to follow my dreams, and I overcame mythe greatest challenge in my life: Depression.

For years, I used to second guessed my skills as a graphic designer.for years.

Sabrina was an architecture student herself, thusand was highly interested in design and the shape of things.She always showed great interest in my work and got easily excited about it.

When I would be afraid I won't get the job doneworried about deadlines, she reminded me of where I (had?) stood half a year ago and how much progress I (had?) had made since then.in only a half of a year.

Over the years, this made me realize t hat I am truly a great graphic designer, with ambition and passion, who has achieved a lot at the age of 22.

Undergraduate / Dream Odyssey, Desperation and Inspiration-Columbia GS Autobiographical Essay [2]

Emerson said, "The sun illuminates only the eye of man, but shines into the heart of the child."
This sounds like a great way to open your essay, I love a great quote like this!

On that morning, it shined into my heart, inspired me to suck out the marrow of life as hard as I suck in the air in asthma, to inhale the fear of death and breathe out the fire of life...

This sounds a little odd, clear it up, and say exactly what you mean, the analogy is a bit off.

To shine, bright like the sun.
Another sunny day 20 years ago,my birth also lighted up the my parents' world. They would name me Hui, Sunshine, hoping the sun will finally shine on our family after the political turmoils of Cultural Revolution,which killed my dissident granddad and the Tiananmen Square 1989,which forced my activist parents out of school into rural labour.

This is a really nice transition. I would break up the really long sentence into 2 shorter ones though. Try to connect these thoughts to the end of your paper.

But to make my admission possible, I should write a love letter to Columbia Univeristy in a thousand words plus one solemn and hopefully life-changing promise,

"You are the love of my life," you read.
I swear, under the divine wisdom of Alma Mater,that I will spend my life proving it.
I think it would sound better to write a reminder about the sunshine here, and this ending could be better, it is a little weak compared to the rest of the paper, I think the love letter is too much, a bit corny, so mention something about how the alma mater will help you gain the skills you need for the future, or something like that. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Successful godmother of mine' - UT AUSTIN FRESHMAN ESSAY A [2]

I am writing about my godmother. She comes from a successful family, but she does not act like it. She has overcome alcoholism (she became an alcoholic after her mother's death but has been sober for 3 years) and beaten her smoking addiction. A throughout my childhood she made sure that I had a true family environment for me to escape to, especially when my parents were fighting.

Hi :) What you have written is a good start, and you have decided on a person to write your essay all about. However, many many people write this type of essay about a family member, so in order to make it really "stand out" you may want to consider a different person to write about (A mentor, teacher, public figure) By choosing a more unique topic, it may help prevent your paper from getting "lost in the shuffle" If you decide to continue writing about your godmother, then be sure to include a few things: What about her is so special, and exactly how did she influence you, and how is this influence going to effect your future. What lessons have you learned from her, and how did these lessons shape you as a person. I hope this helps! Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - Aspiration to be an OBGYN [3]

This is a great start for your essay! I really like the way you have written this little story about your family. I can suggest some word changes an dhelp with your grammar.

I was b orn into a family of five with twoand my parents have been married for twenty years.andI have two siblings that I grew up with, and I amwas blessed to have a family that is so close with one another. One particular thing we love to do as a family is having a special moment after eating dinner together.At the dinner table, is that we remain seated in our seats and just talk about anything for an hour or so. We don't get up, wash the dishes, and go back to our own business. Instead, we talk with one another, happily enjoyingin each other's company.

My family and I can talk about anything. One particular thing thatEspecially, we love to talk about is how my siblings and I were born, and how pregnancy was for my mom. My parents would tell us that pregnancy was a long process of nine months and it's extremely excruciating to give birth but in the end, it's worth all the pain and waiting to have a baby in your arms. Kids and babies is actually my favorite topic to bring up with my family because we all adore kids especially since my mom's job is childcare.baby-sit babies and kids as a job. I would actually be her assistant in helping with the babies and kids. I would assist in changing the diapers, feeding the baby, putting the baby to sleep, and making them laugh.

Undergraduate / Responsibility is something I have had to face my whole life - UF admissions essay [6]

In the world we live in today, some people are not always accepting of other's life choiceslifestyles and in some cases, this kind of news could mentally and emotionally hurt a person.

However, I have always been taught that acceptance and love is most important, and despite that information, I was able to continue excelling in school as well as my social life.

To me, the greatest calling ofA citizen's greatest responsibility is beingto be accepting and loving thy neighbor.

I accepted my dad as he was and that is very important to meI am proud of my ability to take this in stride.

Words can only say so much about a person, which is why I would love the opportunity to show the Gator Nation what I am capable of.

I would suggest adding a sentence about responsibility at the end here, in order to connect to the beginning of your essay. Nice work!

Undergraduate / Name One Song That has influenced you Virginia Tech app essay [2]

The reason for which this band has influenced me so greatly is that each person who listens to their songs gets their own message from every one of them.

Maybe say this: The beatles have a signature sound that evokes limitless interpretations, which is why their songs have influenced me greatly.

The effect this band has on me is that they have helped me keep an open mind. When I enjoy one of their songs, I develop my own conception of what they were symbolizing through the lyrics.

Possibly say this: "I have learned to keep an open mind, due to the effect of their songs. I am able to develop personal meaning from the symbolism in the lyrics." I am trying to help you avoid being too "wordy"

"Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds"
The prompt question is asking you to talk about one song- so I think you should focus on this more, expand on the way this song has an effect on you... I think that with some of the things you wrote, you get off track from answering the question fully. Tell the reader why this song is so meaningful to you.

I think we must thrive in life for the "answer."
This is good, but if you can make your final sentence connect to the beginning of your paper that would be best. Begin with "Lucy" end with "Lucy" You can do this! Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Introducing myself to a roommate -- Oreos and Nutella [2]

It may seem a bit peculiar to you initially so I best explain now so we can get over the awkwardness that will likely follow.

Maybe say it like this: "This may initially seem peculiar, but I must explain some awkward things about myself."

I absolutely insist on a minimum of two fire extinguishers in our room. As an ex firefighter, I strongly believe in fire safety (perhaps a tad fanatically) and considering that when I attempt to cook, a disaster is simply waiting to happen.

Disaster? This sounds too extreme! If you have training, don't you know how to safely run a stove/oven?

Considering my signature dish is oreos dipped in Nutella, I know my tastes tend to terrify people, particularly my mum.
I wonder what your "tastes" are... i wish you would elaborate on this- although the oreos sound delicious. At this point, you are saying some negative things about yourself, you may want to shine a better light on you, I know what you are trying to do.. but it does sound really awkward...

I'll be quite frank with you, I don't plan on being in the dorm all that much. I would rather be tinkering down in the lab or relaxing at the nearest coffee shop than being confined in my room. I do warn you however, I have a horrible habit for spontaneous road trips. When the lull of boredom overcomes me I can't help but want to explore. Particularly with Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Jose just a car ride away, it seems an injustice not to do so.

Good stuff! But, road trips cannot possibly be a horrible habit-- be more positive! Make yourself sound fun and interesting!

Undergraduate / 'Malaysian road' - Stanford -- Intellectual vitality [2]

Searing heat; a forsaken strip of Malaysian road; nonexistent satellite reception. This was the situation I faced last summer when my vintage Mitsubishi Lancer stuttered to a stop on the way to Kuala Lumpur. An exciting road trip with three close friends, minimal supplies and a mountain of soft drinks had quickly evolved into a nightmare.

As you describe the atmosphere, use a bit more detail, and it was the environment you described, not "situation" which you called it. Explain the road trip part first, then create a sentence about what a dire situation you really were in.

To my amazement it worked. Perhaps not gracefully, but the car could move.
This is very important, try to write more about how you experienced this type of catharsis. Elaborate.

Engineering is not a vocation but in my opinion a philosophy combining the creativity of an artist with the pragmatism of a scientist in order to innovate

Good ideas in this sentence, but it is kinda sloppy, try hard to make this more profound- you can do it :)

Undergraduate / 'Our bodies are fragile' - Personal Stat for Loyola U Chicago [2]

Our bodies are fragile things when you get down to the parts.
You could say this: "When you examine the human body, it is clear how incredibly fragile it truly is."

There is so much more going on than we can fathom and I find it amazing that if one screw comes out of place it could be the difference between life and disaster.

Can you re-examine this sentence, maybe re-word it, it sound a bit off... maybe say how the body has such a delicate balance that must be maintained, and if something goes awry, it could be disastrous.

I work in a place where seconds counts.
Can you add to this sentence (you work in the OR?) So, say In the Operating room, every second counts. Then be sure to connect this 1st sentence in the paragraph to the final sentence in the para.

Many times I have hit our emergency responder pager and gotten ready to field an impossible amount of phone calls that will reach me in moments to ask about the situation.

This is a run-on sentence. Can you speak more clearly here?

There have been many opportunities in life I had not risen for when the time came, preferring to let them past instead.
Maybe say: "In my life, there have been many opportunities to take a chance, and I let that slip through my hands.

During s ome shifts I never sit down.I do multiple things at a time andMy job involves so much multitasking that I may not have a chance to go to the bathroom until the end of my shift, but I know I am useful.

Undergraduate / 'As a child growing up in the Bronx...' Questbridge Essay Review [2]

That's why if I had the power to open a center and educate these kids about how gang violence is affecting not only them, but people in the community, I would.

Out of this whole paper, I see this sentence as the most important idea. I think you should revolve the paper around this topic. Begin by stating that a youth center needs to be erected in your neighborhood. List off the reasons why this center is needed so desperately. Tell the reader about the things that the kids are doing, and that the center would be a solution. Then, list the reasons why the center would solve many problems. Explain what kind of effect it would have on the kids and on the neighborhood. Then, state what you would do personally to help this idea become a reality. I think that if you use these ideas as an outline for your paper, you will be on a better track. I hope this helps! Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Finance just seems to be my calling' Drexel University Application Essay [2]

Hi :) You have a nice solid essay here. Well done! I have a few ideas that may help, and some suggestions on changes, although these are minor things, your essay is great the way it is-- nice writing skills!

All of these were good classes to take but really didn't interest me all that much.
"Maybe say it like this: I learned a lot from these classes but..."

However, two of the other electives I picked were marketing and business administration.
You could say: "My two favorite classes were electives- marketing and..."

I found these classes hugely beneficial.
Or say it like this: "These classes made a significant impact on me."

It was here thatAt that time, I began to develop a strong fascination with the finance world, specifically the stock market.

Being a seniorNow that I am a senior , I've really been seriously committed to learning as much about the finance world as I can.

Undergraduate / 'National Institute of Mountaineering' Common App Essay: A significant Experince [4]

The action of climbing up a rock face, and then from chimney to chimney up a chimney was foreign to me.
I am not sure what you mean when you speak of the chimney, clear this up please

The question was, how would I make my ascent. At the top, I was filled with success; I did not know defeat, for I had climbed up a rock face, trusting my skills to save me.

Connect these two sentences somehow, because it is confusing the way they sound disjointed, one moment it is impossible, the next you are at the top, I don't know what happened in between.

I was in a very incommodiousuncomfortable place.

While I climbed, t he feeling of claustrophobia wasengulfed my mind and the walls were getting too close.while I was still climbing.

I was just two feet off of the ground.

People have hurt themselves while trying to live their perfect yet non-existent life, and I was in the middle of it.
Omit this sentence, it is confusing, replace it with another observation of human nature.

Undergraduate / 'Choose an issue of importance to you' "Self-Control" essay for UT Topic B [2]

How many problems can you think of that could have been easily avoided if someone had applied self-control? It's easy as how many people have access to a toothbrush but choose not to brush their teeth because of pure laziness which results in dental problems for themselves. It can even be as dumb as choosing not to go to a class or job because you'd rather sleep in which can lead to failing to reach your goals in life. We face problems every day when we choose who we are and what we do. With every choice we make, we are either working towards our goal or away from our goal. Everyday someone somewhere is struggling with a problem that they could have easily solved. Sadly, people tend to not realize that they have one major problem that gets in the way of all of their everyday problems. This so called major problem really isn't a problem at all, but just the simple idea of self-control. If people could learn to use self-control then they could make the right choices in life.

Don't start with a question. Also, try to put a more positive spin on this topic, you start out by talking about problems, then I see words like dumb, problem (too many times) and sadly. I feel depressed while I read it, so try to take a different angle on this subject and that would make the paper more positive and structured, be clear and concise, try not to be "wordy"

It's rather sad to witness the lack of self-control I see in people every day simply because self-control applies to everything we do. Happiness drives most of us to live our lives. We achieve happiness by reaching our goals. We reach our goals by applying ourselves to them. To apply ourselves we use self-control. Another way of saying that is self-control lies at the root of who we are. If we can't master the basics of self-control then how can we ever expect to get anywhere in life? I've asked myself this many times when I see someone with no self-control complain about how they failed their goal when they apply no effort into achieving their goal. I fear that self-control has been the number one reason for the problems that my generation faces and will continue to face.

You have many great ideas in this paragraph but you need to organize them better (it sounds a little bit like rambling, especially the first few sentences). Also, if you could explain some concepts that are related to self-control, like responsibility and patience, leadership skills, timeliness, motivation, and thoughtfulness.

Writing Feedback / 'Past achievements are requirements of a significant contribution' A GRE ISSUE [2]

Your introduction is a bit unclear, it is wordy and hard to understand. write it in a clear concise way so that the reader knows exactly what the topic of the paper is.

I will help you with some grammatical things:

Admittedly, theP ast achievements sometimesusually serve as cornerstones to new accomplishments. With the support of the experimental data or documents written by the virtuoso's , people nowadays can save a lot of time.onFor example, the complicated Classic Mechanics analysis or theperplexing Chemical Functions, and onare the basisfor these theories.S cholars are able to turncan refer to those newlyprevious predicaments thenin order to make further progress. If it were not for the invention of Function and Unit, there would be no Calculus, and scientists in the field of physics and chemistry could never work on the convoluted analysis. Moreover, past achievements also edify new ideas. The great success of the IPHONE in the global market has set a good example to IT corporations such as Samsung and HTC.These companies are deeply influenced by Apple's style, and they began their stimulation campaign and they will inevitably earn enormous profits soon.

Continue to work on your grammar. Nice work so far, you have many great ideas for this topic, try to be clear and concise. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Run, study, cry, yell, and learn' - Favorite place to get lost (UVA) - Music [2]

I sit snugly into my cozy, familiar armchair and heave a sigh of relief. After a hard day's work, I allow myself to get lost in the world of music. I gingerly place my near-dilapidated set of headphones onto my head and escape reality.

Immediately, the music begins with a soothing melody singing me to sleep the first minute and later drags me into a whirlpool of chaos.
This sentence sounds odd, re-word this part, I like the idea, but it is hard to understand "whirlpool of chaos" because the reader does not know what you are referring to. Maybe if you explain that say, heavy metal music creates this effect.

I drift and nod my head slightly as my music progressesnever ceasing toand completely captivates me.

I often get lost in music. I listen incessantly and lose all track of time. Every time I exitT hese long listening sessions, I feel like I've undergoneare the best form of catharsis: a cleansing of the mind. Music is an outlet for me to release my frustration and pent-up stress . Music is an outlet for me to release my frustration and pent-up stress. I run to music. I study to music. I cry to music. I yell in joy to music. I learn from music.

Work on the final sentence, try to come up with something more profound, explain how music has made you stronger or given you the the motivation to do so many things.