Undergraduate / Why is Education Important? - the seed of life - Topic B- UT [10]


political reasons?? You are talking about education not politics. Use numbers to impress the reader (people love numbers). Connect the statistics to the importance of education.

google "unemployment rate of uneducated workers" to find good information and articles about this issue.

Graduate / My struggle with letter of Interest for master degree [6]



In my opinion, this is a good letter.
Good luck

Graduate / I am most interested in Publick Health education and policy - personal statement [2]

You wrote a good personal statement and your work covered what the prompt asked. But, I have some suggestions on the content of the essay that may help you (better to say, I hope the comments help you :))))


It would be better to briefly state your interest (what major are you applying for) in the first paragraph.

I think if you open the introduction with some information about that day like date, or time can make the event more believable. For example :"It was 5 AM of the day xxxx (date). I was calmly sleeping om my bed in the dorm of xxx (name of the dorm). Silence was dominated over all sounds in the dorm. Suddenly, I was woken up with pounding on my door..."


Talk more about your activities in AIDS Network. Highlight this part. Have you ever done a scientific or empirical research on this problem? If yes, you should mention it (even if it is just a term paper, you can state it)

Undergraduate / Common Application-EC Short Answer; American regions math league competition [2]


I think you should talk about one of these things that the prompt asked you. What you wrote is a school experience, or better to say, an exam experience. The aim of this prompt is that to find other aspects of your personality and your life besides school life. For example, talk about a volunteer work that you have done, or talk about one of your professional experiences that has positively affected you.

Are you a sportsman or a professional athlete? If yes, talk about one of your sports activities or a competition you participated in.
In all of these cases, you should argue how these activities or experiences could shape your personality and why they are important to you.

Hope this helps
Ahmad

Graduate / My struggle with letter of Interest for master degree [6]

My name is abc. I accomplished a comprehensive Undergraduate Program with honors in Computing and Information Systems at the University of London (Goldsmith Collage, UK) in the year 2006. The challenges in the curriculum have inspired me to pursue my graduate studies towards a master degree. As mentioned in my resume, I have as well someteaching and industrial experiences, which strengthen my practical perspective on my area of specialization.

A completion of this Master's Degree at YYY University will be an excellent springboard for my future career and will provide mewith the knowledge and confidence to realize my dreams. Furthermore, the courses, this program combines, perfectly match forperfectly my professional projects and academic expectations.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.I am eagerly waiting for your kind reply and really appreciate your time and concern.

Writing Feedback / Writting a argument synthesis essay about Divorce and children [3]




Do not repeat this phrase. Reword it to something like this :"The children who spend their lives in such families/environment" OR "Living in this type of family may bring children with psychological issues/damage"







use synonym like "bring up"


Do not repeat "According to". U can write: "Dr. XXX points out that," OR "The statistics, presented by Dr. xx, revealed that..."

Overall, it is a great work. Have fun
Ahmad

Undergraduate / Florida Gulf Coast University Essay Question; 'The feeling of winning' [2]

The feeling of winning can only be described as complete satisfaction, pure and simple. I stood in my retreat block with my marching band of 190 members, waiting fervently for our placing to be announced. Throughout the history of our band program, we havehad become accustomed (OR "it had become routine for us to gain ...") to getting fifth or sixth every year in our Florida Marching Band State Competition (FMBC), but this was the year for us to "make our mark" as my band director has said. This year we would hope to make it into the top five bands in the state.

You wrote a good essay, but I think you can also talk about the effects of this experience on your character. what lesson did you learn from the experience? For example, you can talk about "hope" or this famous statement "Fail is the key of success". (Just a suggestion)

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / The Fruit Section - story for english 9 [3]

What is the message of this story? I think you should work on this point. You found you mother, so what you tried to convey to the reader? I mean, describing an event is not enough for writing a strong story, but the main idea of the story and the conclusion that the reader comes to is also should be considered.

I think you should describe the place that the even occurred. In this way, you can help the reader to find himself/herself at the same atmosphere.

Talk more about your feelings when you lost your mom. Writing any details of your feelings would make the story more interesting.

Hope this helps
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'My town is in Gaya' - IELST exam essay [5]


The best way for improving your writing skills is reading various texts with different subjects. Reading not only helps you to become fimiliar with a wide range of topics, but also it familiarizes you with different structures of sentences.It also teaches you how to use words in appropriate context. In addition, write as many essays as you can and then post them here. The members' comments would help you to find your errors more easily.

In order to improve your vocabulary, you can prepare a notebook and allocate each page of it to a specific subject. Then, write the related words to that subject at the page. The topics like "environment", "Family", "tourism", "social issues", etc. are very common topics that you should work on.

Undergraduate / "Nam is an enthusiastic and humorous guy" - Essay on Myself [6]


I think you should start the essay with what I quoted above. In fact, you should introduce yourself first, and then talk about your personality.

In addition, I think you should talk about your hobbies and your sociability where you are talking about your personality and the things that you like. Write why you like these things and why you listen to music, for example, in your free time.

Undergraduate / What you learn from cultural difference? rigor in eastern culture/ vigor in western world [2]


It is not clear that you are talking about what cultures. I know you have mentioned them in the body, but it would be better to briefly state them in the introduction too.




Sorry, but I think in a social science like philosophy you need to think more about logical issues in comparison with experimental science like physics. I think you need to revise this part


You wrote a very good essay. You had very clear ideas throughout the essay. Hope you found the comments useful.
Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / Why is Education Important? - the seed of life - Topic B- UT [10]


What you suggested before are fit to the essay. How about this one :"How dose education benefit society?"


I am glad that you found the comments helpful. Yes, I will review your work once I got time. By the way, "Feedback" is an uncountable noun and you cannot use it in plural form:))))))

Undergraduate / Experience essey - U Wash Appl; my parents restaurant/ involvement with volunteering [3]




Do not repeat "to help". Use different sentences and words for conveying your ideas.

Overall, it is a good work
Good luck
Ahmad

Undergraduate / cross-cultural differences in pictorial metaphor in advertisements:Iran and western [2]


I omitted "of" in this sentence. Sorry

Undergraduate / Why is Education Important? - the seed of life - Topic B- UT [10]


I think it changes nothing, since the advantages of education are the things that make it important. In fact, education is a useful thing, and I cannot find any disadvantage for it, can you?

Undergraduate / Following my role model; UC/ World I come from [2]

The prompt asked you to write about the world that you come from. it means that you should talk about the environment that you raised in. The prompt did not ask you to talk about a person who influenced you. For example, you could talk about your family. Your culture, the environment that your parents provided you with and its effect on your behavior and abilities,are the things that you can talk about.



Repetition.


Do not repeat the word "need". You can reword this sentence like this :"When I faced an obstacle that I couldn't overcome alone, I knew that there is a reliable person who can help me- that person was my grandma."


This paragraph is too short. elaborate on it. You can add one of your memories in this part.

Undergraduate / Peace corps motivation essay draft. I registered into a Geopolitics class... [4]

The first paragraph (OR introduction) is a little long. It contains 133 words, while the body, which includes only one paragraph contains 114 words. I think you wrote many details in the introduction. In fact it includes all parts of an essay (introduction, body, and conclusion. If you give many information in the first paragraph, nothing would be left to say in the rest of the essay.

Of course as the resulting solution of our conversation he sayssaid "Peace Corps". I had never heard aboutknew such a humbling program existed before this meeting and since then it is all I can think about. After researching on the topic and attending information sessions I realized this wasfound it perfect for me. With my experience as a Patient Care Assistant and Literacy Volunteer Program Coordinator I only hope you would use my skills to their capacity and more("YOU" refers to whom? Elaborate on this part. You did not mention why this program was great for you? How could your experiences help you to come up with the task?) .


Talk about these things in the body.

I have briefed myself as much as possible about the living conditions I could potential face, being homesick and lack of utilities; I would be foolish to say I am not afraid. However, my love of people and hunger of getting to know them and their cultures over powers whatever challenges I may faceencounter (Use synonym) . I am ready to adapt, teach, learn, help and grow in every way possible.(In the body you should introduce yourself as a person who is able to do these tasks) I want to be used and give all of meinvest all my energy and time in this program and I will work with all my heart and soul for those 27 months in my host country and only take back the stories of a lifetime

Undergraduate / 'career in videography' - Why Did You Choose Your major? (Supplement Paragraph) [3]

I've chosen to pursue a career in V ideography, because I prefer to see the world through a viewfinder. For the past four years, I've been passionate about communicating stories and ideas to people that matter (what has happened to you through last four years that made you to become interested in communicating stories? You wrote 108 words, so, 92 words left that you can add to your essay) . I've read books, taken classes, and most importantly gotten out there and shot videos myself (How could these experiences shape your interest in art?) . I want to enter a field where both my love for the art, and great education, will make a difference in the world(This is a great goal? It sounds unbelievable) . I feel that the best way to do this, is to become one of the many passionate Emerson students, whom are known for both being great at what they do, and loving what they do.

Hope this helps
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, teenagers should encouraged to do unpaid community work [3]


This is OK. I read it again and I got your idea. It was just a misunderstanding. Sorry

Graduate / Statement of Objectives for MIT. Request for assessing. [9]


Sorry dear, but this is not a good introduction. I tried to write something for you. It may help you:
I was 9 when my father bought me my first computer. From that day on, computer became a part of my life. In fact, it became my close friend that helped me to do my homework, spend my free time by playing computer games, and it familiarized me with a new world, called the Internet. As time passed, I could see the fast progress of computer science and this dynamic nature of the science inspired me to pursue my education in the filed of xxx. When I was accepted to the university of XXX, in XX(year), as a bachelor computer science student I found myself in an atmosphere where everything stood in the basis of scientific investigations. This academic environment helped me to improve my research skills and, now, I want to continue this journey to reach my dream for being a successful researcher. I believe, studying as a graduate student in a good reputed university would take me one step closer to my goal. Therefore, I determined to study, in the field of xxx, at one of the best worldwide universities, MIT.

Do not list your experiences. Open a paragraph with a topic sentence. A paragraph, like an essay, needs an introduction. Topic sentence is the introduction of a paragraph. Elaborate on your research experiences. If you attended a conference you should mention it. If you published a paper, highlight it. Do not use too many "I am", "I have". Use different structures and statements.

Try to improve the body and then put your work here. I will help you to write your essay. Don't worry :))

Graduate / Statement of Objectives for MIT. Request for assessing. [9]

I am a little confused. Is this a SOP (Statement of Purpose)?? Would you you please let us know what the prompt exactly asked you? If this is a SOP you should follow the template that I wrote below:

1) Introduction: Start it with an attractive statement. I recommend you to open the introduction with one of your personal experiences through which you found your interest in this field of study.

2) Body:
2.1. Talk about your educational background (Try to write about your personal experiences here for supporting what you claim)
2.2. State your professional background (if applicable)
2.3. Talk about your dreams and goals. Why are these your goals? In what research area you are going to study. And why did you choose MIT for pursuing your interests and goals. How can MIT help you to achieve your goals.

3. Conclusion: Finally write about the academic atmosphere of MIT and its facilities, as well as mention that you can shape your academic and career skills if you join this good reputed university.

You can organize the SOP in the way that you like but all these points should be covered.
One more time, please put the prompt here to other members give you better suggestions.
Google "Writing a great statement of purpose" to find valuable information for writing a SOP. In addition, read as many sample as you can to find out how you should write a SOP.

Graduate / PANDA and BES||| experiments;(Nuclear physics) PhD motivation letter [9]


Font : Time New Roman
Size : 12pt

Wish you luck

Writing Feedback / Science VS Religion - what is best for the people? [14]

You essay is a great work. Grammar, organization and vocabulary all are good. But I have some suggestions with regard to the content of the essay that you will find them below (hope the comments help :))))


it is not clear why religion works better than science in the case of supernatural issues. May be an example could clarify this matter.



suggestion :"Science has a dynamic nature and it continuously experiences new changes.

Why has religion kept intact for centuries but science changes every day? I think you should clarify it

Letters / cover letter for a visiting researcher position (fabrication and characterization) [4]

Dear Prof. xxxx

I am writing to inquire about the possibility toof joining your research group as a visiting researcher.

My main research area has been so far the fabrication and characterization of xxxx. The major objective of my PhD, defended early this year, was to find novel ways to modify the xxxx. I mastered the techniques needed to fabricate xxxx and characterize them with a variety of techniques such as xxxx (It would better to name some of the techniques that are related to the research area of the professor. Write about your publications if applicable.) .

Recently I was granted a postdoctoral scholarship from xxxx. The grant is based on a proposal entitled xxxx which I had submitted to xxxx; it was evaluated and accepted by an expert board. With thisThrough the project, I would like to explore xxxx for xxxx applications.

During this fellowship I will have the opportunity to spend maximum one year as a funded visiting researcher in another institute. I would like to take this chance to join an academic group working on xxxx. In fact, I would like towant to (I changed it since you used "I would like" in the previous sentence) challenge myself working in a new research field and I believe that with my experimental background and motivation, I couldwould help me to have a valuable contribution.

I have noticed that you have done an extensive range of research works inon xxxx so I would be grateful if you would give me the possibility to join your group, staring any time in spring or summer 2013 for a period of at least 6 months (I think you should talk more about this research group. Talk a little about the publications of the professor that you have recently studied and it would be useful if you write some sentences about the facilities of the laboratories.) .

To provide more information about myself and my academic records I have attached my CV to this email. I am eagerly waiting for your kind reply and really appreciate your time and concern.for your review and look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Undergraduate / I can read Arabic & speak English; university of washington/ Cultural Diverstiy [4]

OK, I wrote that as a suggestion to show you how elaborate on this part of the essay.

Undergraduate / I can read Arabic & speak English; university of washington/ Cultural Diverstiy [4]

Suggestion:

Nowruz is not just a celebration. Noruwz encompasses different intellectual and philosophical concepts. It is the celebration of nature through which people praise, and worship God for all his blessings. The Nowruz culture asks people to think about their deeds over a year and it teaches them how to make their thoughts new. Nowruz also brings the culture of forgiveness and kindness to people as it stands in the basis of love. Nowruz reminds us about how worthy elderly are and gives young people lessons on how to behave to older individuals. I want to contribute these valuable concepts to the University of Washington by introducing the culture of Nowruz.

Research Papers / Tax problem in the USA - research assignment ideas? [5]


:))) OK, I am not an expert in this field and I cannot help you, sorry. But, I think you can get good information in the Internet. Google the topic and gather as much information as you can. Search the recent published articles in the websites "sciencedirect.com", "springerlink.com", etc. Sorry that my comment is not helpful :)

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1 Sociology & Asian American Studies [6]

I have developed a natural curiosity for the structure, development, and functioning of Asian American human societies. Studying sociology has helped shapemolded me into theas a conscious person that I am today; in combination with Asian American Studies, together they have guided me to understand my heritage, family, and my identity.


It would be better to avoid using the word "embarrassing".

In the summer of my junior year in High school, I got accepted into a program that would change my lifestyle and how I perceived my family. Southeast Asian Student Coalition Summer Institute at UC Berkeley changed my life(combine these two sentences as one.) .

My parents

SASC SI used a sociological approach to help me understand how much I have taken my parents' for granted. The social forces derived from the Vietnam War caused this but I've (do not use contractions) spent my whole life blaming my parents.

Great work

hope the comments help
Ahmad

Undergraduate / My Dad always says "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst"; princeton supplement essay [3]


You can make the opening statement more interesting. For example :Pope John XXIII says "It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father." I think I am one of those lucky children who have had a real father. A person who has shaped my thoughts, behavior and dramatically influenced my life.



You did not make this fact clear that how these words could positively influence you. Elaborate on it.


repetition. U can say :"when he is beside me" OR "I feel safe and happy when he is beside me"

Graduate / Statement of Objectives for MIT. Request for assessing. [9]

My name is Vladimir Nikishkin, I am from Russia and I am writing to apply forwant to join the Ph.D. program at Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT)MIT .

Why do I set MIT my top priority?

Because MIT EECS has no requirement for the GRE test, and it is too late to pass the test, as the results
will be delivered after the application deadline is passed. (This is not a good answer. You should talk about positive aspects of MIT and then say because of these advantages I want to apply to this good reputed university.)

I am still going to take the GRE, but it will only work for the next year, and I do not want to waste time(You should not write about the things that you do not have. This is a weak point and the admission committee will reject your application once they see this sentence. Do not write this) .

Why do I want to join MIT?

BecauseThe reason why I chose this university as the place for pursuing my career and study is that MITit is one of the few English-speaking universities which conduct research in Communication Complexity, which was the topic of my graduation work. The title of my xx (M.A or B.A) thesis was "Amortized communication complexity of an equality predicate problem." I am presenting this work at the Computer Science in Russia Symposium in July 2013.

You should write how MIT could help you to improve your academic skills. You wrote only one line to answer the question "Why do I want to join MIT". Talk about the opportunities that the university can provide you with, for example facilities and its special academic atmosphere OR faculty.

Hope this helps
have fun
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'My town is in Gaya' - IELST exam essay [5]

In finally (in the conclusion you should restate the thesis statement first.) i like to tourist come our town and we share build our relationship and that isbenefitsfor both sides .

You should work hard on your grammar. Read as many texts as possible. Reading various texts would help you to improve your writing skills. Try to focus on the structures and the words used in the sentences. And remember, practicing is the key of success :))

Writing Feedback / My Biography (a freelance journalist, contributing writer, and activist) [3]

Mr. Abdul Malik is a freelance journalist, contributing writer, political and youth activist, human right worker in Quetta, Balochistan Pakistan. He has worked with a democratic political party Pashtoonkhwa Milli Awami Party believing in struggle for democracy, social justice, gender equality, national equity, human rights and human fundamental rights, peace and security, the said party is struggling for the sovereignty of Afghanistan and is anti to the conservative and so called religious, extremist and terrorist organizations and the foreign policy of Pakistan being engineered by the Army establishment(WOW, what a long sentence. A long sentence may confuse the reader.) . He has been struggling forover last decade as a political activist paving the way for a democratic governmental setup in the country, freedom of speech and all fundamental human rights. In this way he has arranged many political programs (what types of programs. It would be better to mention some of them) , have been part of election campaigns, students and youth activism and their recruitment in PkMAP and PSO. Being a senior cadre of Party and Organization, he has trained several teams working with him in political activism, press and media section of the party secretariat. Have worked for VOA Ashna Pashto service for two years as a freelancer and live reporter. In addition, he writes for policymic.com an AmericanUS based organization working democracy and media.

Writing Feedback / 'Sharing task' -Teaching small kids is the responsibility of both parents and schools [2]

I think you should pay more attention to the structure and organization of an essay. Start the essay with an introduction. Each introduction opens with a motivator. Then you should write the thesis statement and finally state you opinion. After writing the introduction write at least two paragraphs as the body. Through the body you should support your opinion. Each paragraph in the body has three main parts :Topic sentence+Supporting sentence + Concluding sentence (optional). Finally write a conclusion. In the conclusion you should restate the thesis statement first, then mention a clincher.

Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

One of the most important things that you should pay attention to during the interview is that you should be positive. Never use negative sentences. Sometimes they may ask you some tricky questions. For example, what are your weaknesses? Even in this case you should not use negative statements. Eye contact is another important thing. You should introduce yourself as a confident person. Gather as much information as you can about Yale. If they asked you about your academic skills or extracurricular activities try to explain them clearly and use the question as an opportunity for setting yourself apart from other interviewees. List your abilities and your experiences on a paper and talk to yourself about them. It would be better to practice with someone or talk to yourself in the mirror. Record your voice and then listen to it. This would help you to find your errors. And as you know, appearance is very very significant factor that you should take it into consideration.

Google "interview tips" to find loads of information in this concern.

Hope the comment helps
Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / Rubik Essay - self-development workshops common app essays [3]

You wrote a good work and your idea about the cube is a novel idea. Both essays are much similar to each other, so I cannot say which one is better. As you said, you do not need comments on grammatical errors I just focused on the content of the essay. You can find my suggestions below:


this part is not clear. What kinds of programs and how you could change your surrounding environment. It would be better to elaborate on it.


At the beginning you wrote about the influences of the cube on you, but in this paragraph you are talking about the similarity between you and a cube. I think these are two different issues and it has ruined the unity of the essay. If you agree with me, you should revise it (This is just my opinion).


Write the numbers under 10 in words, and capitalize the first letter of "internet".

Have fun
Ahmad

Graduate / PANDA and BES||| experiments;(Nuclear physics) PhD motivation letter [9]

As I said before, you should talk about the university/institute that you are going to apply to. Plus, it is not enough to list your experiences one by one. As you are talking about your experiences you should also talk about your abilities. Highlight your special capabilities and talent in this field of study.

In addition, pay more attention to grammar and avoid copying other students' works.

Graduate / PANDA and BES||| experiments;(Nuclear physics) PhD motivation letter [9]

I think you should talk more about where you are going to apply to. Where is it? Why did you choose this place for continuing your study, as a Ph.D student, at? Talk about its positive aspects, like facilities.

Research Papers / English and U.S.A. in the eye of Korean kids [7]

Nowadays, a huge amount of money is poured on "English education" in South Korea (henceforth, Korea) every year.
It would be better to state how much money is spent on English education annually. This makes the sentence more tangible.




Good work

Have fun
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'Poverty and luxuries of America' - community essay issue [12]

1. Unemployment rate
2. imbalance between income and living cost; inflation rate
3. Addiction to ecstasy, Alcohol, the Internet, etc.
4. Low level of parents' awareness on the importance of their children psychological issues
5. Increase in divorce rate
6. Violence in schools
7. Negative influences of Facebook on people's relationship

Does this help?

Undergraduate / Papa Murphy's ticket to college [3]

Sauce, cheese, toppings and do not forget the topping cheese! A seriesset of simple tasks comes together to create a delicious pizza. For over 8eight months, I have been creatingcooking pizzas for customers who have dared to try the Take 'N Bake concept. I started off as part of the inaugural staff for the first Papa Murphy's in Northern Virginia area and since, I have climbed the path of progressmy way to the shift lead position. Holding the only shift lead position, I have learned to take responsibility for myself and for those who are working under my controlsupervision .