Undergraduate / "the best education program" - Transfer reasons for transferring/goals to achieve [3]

The end of my high school career was creeping up on me so quickly that I realized I had to make a decision, and quickly, about which college I would choose to attend in the coming year. This is a good opportunity for me to tell you something important. Do not waste the reader's mental energy with a long, obvious statement that does not do anything to help achieve your goal. Your goal is to convey to the reader that you are a serious student who reads in his free time about advancements in his chosen field.

After long talks with my parents, many .... heart was set on Secondary Education as my career choice. --You write well, but I am here to tell you not to include unnecessary sentences. Here is the first sentence of your essay:

I became so intrigued with the education program that Raritan Valley offered and as soon as I stepped out of my first education course, I knew that it was for me. (Now add a little about your philosophy of education, and then give a thesis statement that tells the main idea of the whole essay... your truth to express.

I want to be taught ---This is not very proactive. How about filling this essay with references to books and journal articles that inspire you.

Mu favorite part: In order to be successful teacher, I believe that I need to be a lifelong learner and I would love to partner with a school that has those same views.

I want to attend a college that has the best education program in the state of New Jersey and that will offer me plenty of field experience to truly prepare me for the workforce. nevermind this stuff that anyone could say. Every paragraph is an opportunity to EXPRESS important ideas about education in America... what is needed, what great advances have been made, what specialization you might embrace. Show that you are reading every day because you are so motivated.

And it is especially great if you find a book or article written by a professor from whom you will be learning.

:-)

Writing Feedback / British and Australian laws - to access to the past criminal record of the defendant? [2]

In this essay I will explain both of these view of point. points of view.

For some people the jury must be aware of several factors such as the environment in which the defendant grew, the reason that led him to make commit a crime, or other crimes, and so forth. if he committed them.

It is important for to ensure the community that this person will not commit a crime again.

On the other hand, the jury have has a duty to judge the present crime of the defendant and not his past crimes.
From my point of view, this depends on the kind of charge.

For example, this may be appropriate when the jury have has to judge a man who has already killed in past.
Okay, my friend.Practice every sentence. Type every sentence above 10 times! That is the way to program your brain with the correct grammar. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- student behaviour- causes and solutions [7]

In this case, the word requires is better:
Educating is a tedious task which requires meticulous effort .

A student is not the sole culprit in such cases. In fact, the circumstances and the society is are also responsible for a young mind that goes berserk.

So it is like this:
They are responsible for a mind ---> to go that goes berserk.
They are responsible for a mind that goes...

One thing is...
Two things are...
One thing makes...
Two things make...
The pressure of studies and the expectations enveloping a student's mind makes make them vulnerable.

One thing aggravates...
Many things aggravate...
Also, family pressure, like financial situations, problems with parents, disturbing and unfriendly family environment aggravate a student's

Public embarrassment makes them

Lastly, a student is like a clay which can be moulded into any ..

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- creativity-should it be given freedom or restrictions? [4]

Hello Ajit, you are right! Sorry I'm late.

Creativity is the ability to think beyond the obvious. ---intriguing first sentence.

I like the first paragraph. I see that the second paragraph is about social messages, and so is the third paragraph. Therefore, I think your thesis statement should mention social messages:

Hence, c Creativity originates in a free mind, and only a free mind is able to challenge societal norms. Creative artists must be given the freedom to express their ideas without any restrictions, because such freedom will maximize creativity and enable artists to challenge the status quo.

NEXT PARAGRAPH:
Time and again, creative artists like ...
Now it is excellent! The thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph now includes mention of "challenging the status quo."

However, artists should also know not to hurt the sentiments of the people. Many artists have been involved in controversies because of hurting the religious or social beliefs of the common people.---Well, I am not sure what you are referring to, but does this not contradict what you said about freedom? I think this part does not fit in the essay. Art that does not offend anyone is not art. :-)

I like the ending.

Faq, Help / Moderators may only be able to comment... [6]


Hi Ajit, I'll call it sympathy, because you mentioned that you know we are humans and that it gets busy. Sometimes all the essays are mind-boggling.

So, thanks for the sympathy! And thanks also for all the good help you have been giving people. Some EF members only give one or two sentences of feedback, but you are one of the people that give excellent feedback and help a lot of essayists. So... that is really cool.

About our system for helping people: EssayForum became very popular in the past several months, and we have more activity than ever. We are trying different approaches to make sure everyone gets some help, and if we land on one system that we will always use, I'll let you know!

Here is an idea: Sign up to be a contributor, and that way you will be able to add EssayForum to your resume, list of activities, ect. Also, you will have access to the Contributor & Moderator forum, where you can meet great people who are like you. The contributors are the people who are very serious about giving good help and getting good help.

You are right about everything, and you really do deserve more help than we gave you. Unlucky! I'm going to go look at some of your essays right now. Kevin says: "The squeaky geese gets the wheel."

Good luck on Saturday, Ajit!

Writing Feedback / Essay about Scientific Wonderment- feedback [3]

Only include what is needed. Leave room for the reader's experience:
Standing at a shore, I notice the fluid movement of the rushing waves crashing along the shore. Each wave is...

Can't start a sentence this way:
Until finally, I stand before ...---It has to be a continuation of the previous sentence if you use "until" this way.

Do not address the reader when you are getting all preachy like this.. do not say "if you were to..." the reader is the educator, and you are the kid. That is sort of how people think. And it is usually bad form to write in the second person with this kind of essay. Also, you are not doing a good enough job of justifying all these topics you raise. They have to somehow be related to the theme of the essay. It seems like you are just reciting what you know.

Quantum theory postulates that on subatomic scales, knowing the history or future of an atom is not ----I am very impressed with your scope of knowledge, though!!

We humans are mere sculptors, chiseling slowly but surely into the marble that hides the true face of nature, until we form our own sculpture of the way we perceive nature to be, but not necessarily how it really is.----awesome sentence. I don't know why I want to kill the word mere, but I do.

Anyway, overall this is impressive writing and impressive knowledge. The problem is that it does not express any specific, practical goals. It is so broad, covering so much but now stabbing the reader in the heart with one poignant, unforgettable theme. :-)

Put the focus on what is important to you so that the focus does not seem to be on showing off your knowledge. These are my ideas for you, but of course I am only one type of reader. Not all readers will think the way I do. You'll be impressive regardless of how you write it.

Graduate / (studied bio-informatics) - SoP for bioinformatics for PhD [2]

A sentence needs a subject and a predicate. This sentence has only a predicate:
Had a financial crisis at home. --Add "I" to the beginning of it.

Use an apostrophe: that's what I ...

Typo; as aproject ...

Oh, I have a great idea. I do not like the sentences at the beginning about not knowing what you want to do. Those sentences are not helpful! I think the first sentence of the essay should be this one:

I have studied bio-informatics during my graduation and post graduation. Even though I don't have any experience in developing algorithms, I could always use my experience as a computer technician and my experiences in ...---Look at how powerful this is!!! Wow, what a great intro.

That first paragraph is weak, and I think you should kill it. Start with this GREAT second paragraph, and continue its theme. :-)
...long term research career in genomics. Another reason is good faculty profile. Instead of saying this, about the faculty profile, kill the whole first paragraph and make room to write a little about some book or article written by a faculty member. Write about some specific faculty members whose work you admire. Just an idea...

Great job!!

Scholarship / "ambition of civil engineering" - Canadian University of Alberta [2]

In that first sentence, you only thing you accomplish is to make me think about the word matriculating. The rest is just fluff, meaningless high speech.

I want to try to give you an idea about how to write in a substantial way:
express my creativity.

Here is the first sentence of your essay:
I have also travelled through many places and discovered many engineering masterpieces.---It is a beautiful., meaningful sentence that expresses the fact that you have developed your intellectual interest through experience. But if you can change "places" to a more colorful noun, it will be better.

After that great first sentence, continue an intro paragraph about sustainable engineering. Do not include any fluff about being a well rounded citizen, Nobody cares about that, and nobody cares about the legos.

As I continue to read, I find no more fluff. This is high quality writing.
I see the university as an extension of who I am---perfect

Currently, I am facing a major obstacle in my life: my father ...---Another great paragraph. I wish you all the best. I have heard great things about megadoses of vitamin C. Watch a documentary called "Food Matters." You will be interested!!

Okay, great job, sorry to be so critical of the intro. May you never again include fluffy, insubstantial sentences in an essay.

Undergraduate / "Juggling Lemons" Common app option 5 [3]


Great sentence! And I am so jealous! I feel like I could never juggle 4 things.. But I learned from KingsCascade.com how to juggle 3 things.

I think that last sentence of the first paragraph is... well, add a sentence after it. Add another sentence to sum up the idea you are conveying in this essay. The big idea of the essay.

You should have more about this: learnt to focus on the task at hand--- and you should do more REFLECTION and self-analysis, know what I mean? Talk about the significance of it. As an amateur juggler, I know it is a wide-eyed meditation. You can talk about that meditative state of mind.

typo: egardless

I know my advice is very late, sorry!

Undergraduate / "college experience" - why is emory good match for you? [3]


Hi Julie, sorry it took so long to get help! I want to mention that touching on aspects of the school is only important when it helps to show that going to this school is part of a plan that you are very serious about. If a student has put a lot of planning into the prospect of going to this school, the Admissions person feels inspired by the student, and s/he feels that the student deserves all opportunities.

I think this should be at least 2 small paragraphs instead of one big one. Or maybe one big one and one small one. But use paragraphs, because that gives you the opportunity to give a memorable, meaningful sentence and then END a paragraph.

When you do that, the reader's attention lingers a little on that last sentence of the paragraph...

You have a "lock" theme at the end. It would be great if you also had something about a lock at the beginning of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Haruki Murakami: Share with us a few of your favorite books" short answer [3]


Best sentence ever... I'm so happy to have read it!

I couldn't stand it when my friends walked...

Oh, I see that Mateusz already corrected some of that.
I feel like a sentence should be added maybe to the beginning or end of one of the paragraphs. Can you add some clarity to this by perhaps ending the second paragraph with a sentence that expresses a main idea that is the theme for your essay? The essay needs a theme to hold it all together. :-)

Scholarship / CPA accountant - Describe how you plan to help fulfill the needs of your community [3]

You can take some words out of that first line:
After college I will be a Certified Public Accountant able to perform public accounting work for the state. Hopefully I will get an internship during my college years and would be working work with one of the accounting firms in the state of New York to help my community.

Nice! You have some specific details and admirable aspirations. This will be well received, I think. But you should separate it into 2 or 3 paragraphs if possible. That makes it clearer and better structured...

Writing Feedback / Discuss the roles of language and reason in history. [3]

Yes,it makes sense! You write very well, too. Is this a research assignment? Are you supposed to use books and articles?

That "outline" for the intro paragraph looks like it is a paragraph already.

Never use an outline too strictly. Just find great sources, and write what you learn from them. Share what you learn, 1 or 2 paragraphs for each book/article. Try to keep a theme that unites them all.

If you get stuck, you need to just get a new article and start a new paragraph.

When you have written a lot of paragraphs about articles, go back to that introduction and revise it to suit the theme that developed while you were enjoying those articles.

:-)

Dissertations / Need help on security issues on cloud computing research topic [25]

Hi Saju,

This is a subject I have never thought about in my whole life. Can you tell me a little about it? I know a lot about research design, so maybe I can help you.

Please tell me the name of one or two articles that discuss this topic.

:-) Welcome to essay forum! I hope you meet a lot of great people!

Poetry / Lineage by Margaret Walker [7]

I'm not telling!

You can't just post assignments here to avoid doing the work. If you are willing to spend some time learning a little about the terminology they are trying to teach you, write a little list of the terms being discussed in class. The poetic devices, I mean.

List some of them, give a little sentence of explanation for each, and then people can give you their ideas about whether you chose the right ones.

I have to remove the poem, too. Please don't post stuff that appears on other websites! :-)

Welcome to essayforum!

Graduate / "a community pharmacist" - Masters of public health Personal Statement [2]

...shows that such policies has have not substantially increased the motivation of smokers to stop nor has it have they reduced exposure of non-smokers to passive smoke within the home environment. ---or you could keep it all singular and use policy instead of policies...

she developed from her parents. --I know what you mean here, but you could word it more clearly. ...from taking the example of her parents...

Maybe unnecessarily wordy here:
Instead, I would like to maximise my input to public health thus making it contribute to public health efforts that are structured, evidence-based, and capable of demonstrating real added adding real value and focus on the needs of the population. ---still a little wordy and overblown!

But anyway, that is the only sentence I don't like. This essay is obviously a meaningful piece of writing... seems like you already are beyond the level of a graduate student and contributing meaningfully in your field.

I relish the opportunity to commence my career as a public health specialist and anticipate the challenges it will present. One more sentence I don't like. Don't use any empty, formal sentences like these. If you want to include it, you have to infuse it with some concept that it represents, some idea worth sharing. Almost all of your essay is solid material full of fascinating ideas and anecdotes... that is what makes it good. Fluffy, empty sentences like this one have no place in this great essay. :-)

Graduate / "today's energy crisis" -Statement of Purpose Mechanical Engineering for MS admission [2]

I feel that today's energy crisis and growing pollution is are putting pressure on companies to be more energy- efficient and reduce emissions.

A very clear prospective ---be careful here... this is a good, cmmon mistake to avoid... perspective/prospective.

This essay is so excellent... it has a discussion of your intellectual interests, and you made the stuff interesting to me, too.

I was captivated by the field of Thermodynamics. ---I think you should add a meaning to this sentence. Don't just say it captivated you. Say something insightful about it.

I am good in engineering mathematics; I wish to contribute myself in development of Algorithms and Simulation methods to perform numerical experiments on the systems.---This is excellent, I think the expression of confidence in your skill is good. I think you should add one more sentence after this one, though. Make it a short, clear sentence that adds something to what you have just said.

Keeping this in mind, joining your University seems to me as is an excellent first step. Thanks for your consideration.

Great job!

Undergraduate / Changing an Idea into an Action from Leadership Point of View - Application Essay [5]

Paragraphs are powerful. In this kind of case, with a limit of 250 words, I would use 2 or 3 small paragraphs instead of just one. Using all one paragraph is like using no paragraphs at all.

But each paragraph is an opportunity to plant a memorable idea in the reader's mind.

The writing here is beautiful. My only suggestion, I guess, is to use paragraphs, or perhaps just separate 2 sentences at the end as a punchy conclusion. But one long paragraph is mind boggling. Anyway, you have great grammar, rhythm, variation of sentence length, and details to show how much insight you gained. This is a solid essay. I hope you check out the EssayForum Contributor Page.

Undergraduate / "Fashion" - an essay for the art institute of philadelphia [7]

You have two questions here, so you should answer in at least 2 paragraphs... one for each question. But then maybe you should also use a short intro paragraph to express a theme that connects the two big ideas together.

But anyway... use paragraphs! :-)

This part is confusing! --> The Art Institute Of Philadelphia allows you to be open and provides a quality learning experience with that said Throughout the time...--Maybe you need a period after the word experience? And you won't be capitalizing "throughout" unless it begins a sentence.

Your reason for wanting to go there is rather general. You could say the same thing about any decent school. Is there some professor at this school or some program of area of focus that is aligned with your own artistic aspirations? Do you admire the work of one of the professors or administrators, and if not, why not go learn from those whose work does resonate with you? You should answer in terms of your intellectual and artistic ideas... and that may sound intimidating, but actually all it takes is looking at what you love the most and seeing how this school can enable you to actualize more of it in your life.

So... of all the schools that could get you into the world of fashion, you choose this one. I hope it is because of the people you will be learning from and the fascinating classes that have more appeal than classes at other schools. :-)

Research Papers / My research paper on nanotechnology (both informative and interesting)? [7]

Hi Anita, I'm sorry I was not around to give any ideas when you had this emergency. I hope it worked out okay. In that kind of situation the best thing to do is find a few great articles that you can enjoy. That advice from your teacher is great: write the body paragraphs, and let them talk about some specific aspects of the field. AFTER you have written some body paragraphs, you should go write a specific thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, and let it reflect the themes that are emerging in the body.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence [2]

Today , some researchers according their researches believe that the genetic factors are much more influences influential on our personality than any other factors.

But some physiologists think family and society factors are more effective because a lot of samples indicates these diverses ??? What word should this be? ... a lot of samples indicate their influence?

Moreover they carried out a lot of changing changes with accurate studding ???what should this word be? ...all of experiences that samples had had in their life.

In my view, genetic factors are so important but if we notice need to influence of any event that may happen in our life we can develop our personality effectively .

Okay, my friend, practice typing these sentences with the corrections you have been given. Practice makes perfect!

Also, I think instead of "researches" you should write "research studies." For example:
Many research studies show that genetic factors affect personality.

Book Reports / "An individual to judge right from wrong" - Grapes of Wrath, AP [3]


Well.. this part... both options mean the same thing, sort of. We come together as a community and form a government. Like Hobbes and Locke explain, we all give up a little freedom for a lot of protection.

But what about people who are not part of my society? That is the interesting question. I do owe protection and help to others in my society, because that is what I get, too. It is a deal. But maybe the test of morality is our willingness to help people from other societies.

Steinbeck begins to develops develop what he considers the "I" to "we" consciousness, a theory that becomes evident ...---This can be a great thesis statement.

Like a kaleidoscope turning, the intro you have here will change slightly to accommodate the ideas you present in the essay.

:-)

Letters / MATHEMATICS QUEEN OF SCIENCE- MOTIVATION LETTER [3]

I don't think you should start with "I have always been"... that is what all students do! Everyone has always been interested in such and such...

It would be intriguing if it began with the second sentence. Then, the first will go without daying:

I have always been keen on mathematics. Mathematical proof was the first point attracted me. "Why? Why we do this?" These were ...---Don't use commas and semi-colons if you have used a question mark. Question marks are punctuation marks, able to end sentences.

I like this part! ----> Since there was no bookshop in our town to buy mathematical books, I used to prove the theorems in my textbook which were not proved.

My passion for mathematics stimulated me to choose mathematics to study in university. statement of the obvious. Say only interesting things. :-) I bet you have a lot of interesting things to say.

Watch out for the typo here:
... traditional musical instrumens of XXX) by myself.

　
And here... concers returning to ...

... where everything is optimum .
despite havivg having the ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "interest in world cultures, communication": what can make you succeed in Penn State? [4]

I think you are missing a word here:
Eventually, it was only natural that I would seek to ...

It's better not to use more commas than necessary: In this way, at the age of 16 I decided to become an exchange student.

It's better not to use more words than necessary:
Of the countries available, I chose to visit the United States. I found this country the United States to be ...

After arriving in the States, I began attending a local high school. Another unnecessary, unhelpful sentence.

In order to develop social connections, I joined the choir and the track team and even participated in an art show. ---cool! Excellent...

I like the last few sentences a lot. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Liber's company mission and financial problems" GRE argument analysis. [4]

Well, ordinarily in academic writing you would be responding to an actual person, and you would know whether it is a he or a she. In weird cases like this, where I do not know the gender, I always use the female pronoun to help compensate for too many centuries of overusing the male pronoun by default. I also try to avoid saying "mankind," because I can say "humankind," etc. We have gender oppression in our language! :-) So... I try to stick with using "she" by default.

Undergraduate / small campus + Harry Potter + a curious person/dance/music - Occidental [4]

That first answer you gave shows that you write well, but you really missed an opportunity. You could be talking about your plan... the careers that interest you, and how you hope to design your education so that you can really accomplish what you want in this life. Do not talk about size and location. Talk about classes, texts, professors, programs, and student organizations...

You continue to miss opportunities throughout, about what you read and what you are curious about... I really think you make it more competitive if you get focused on a field of expertise. You can change your mind later, but for now choose a subject of interest, and attack it! What will be your specialization?

:-)

Scholarship / (SACUCCA) scholarship essay. How you have utilized your career service office? [2]

Right here you should avoid the sentence fragment by putting the two together:
I bumped into Sen. McCain at a local coffee shop and casually chatted about health care reform -- probably a pretty typical occurrence for many people living in DC.

I think you should pay more attention to structure. Structure comes from the first and last sentences of paragraphs. Not always, but mostly. The reader's attention lingers a moment after the last sentence of each para, and we also pause after reading the first sentence of a para. That is the structure. Make is so that this essay is like a bull's eye (target) with concentric circles, and right in the middle is the main idea, which should be expressed in the last sentence of the first paragraph. After that, the most important sentences are the first sentences of each paragraph.

Go back and see if you can add action verbs and imagery words to the first and last sentences of some paragraphs. Make it so that I could just read those sentences and I would deeply understand your main idea.

:-)

Graduate / Help with my motivation letter about Sustainable Architecture [2]

That's a great question, Emil. Sustainable architecture is a subject that a lot of articles have been written about. Maybe some different terms are used to refer to it? Anyway, if you want to know what a motivation letter looks like, just check out an article about sustainable architecture that interests you. The article is about some issue in the field, and whatever issue interests you is also certainly motivational to you. Your job is to read the books and articles you love and establish some goals based on what is important to you.

When you have established goals based on books and articles about this field, you will be ready to express them in and essay -- and we will be here to help! :-)

Scholarship / Orange Scholars(Home Depot) Essay [3]


I don't think this is your ultimate goal! :-) I think it is a means to an end, a step along the way. You want to attend med school because of what you value in life, what you aspire to do for the world and for yourself. It is all about what is meaningful to you...

Here is a little typo:
The history of my parents' experience helps explain...

My best advice for you: Spend an hour reading about different philosophies of medicine, different medical specializations, or recent advancements in medicine that interest you. Then, revise this essay to include some discussion of how you feel about these current issues. You are able to use the Internet, so you have no excuse to write an essay that does not demonstrate knowledge about developments in the aspects of medicine that interest you. As of now, you did not really do that, but I see that you do write very well and certainly are a dedicated student! So... they will be impressed by this, but not as much as if you show that you are reading every day because you are so motivated.

:-)

Undergraduate / An international transfer student. Questions on personal statement definition. [2]

Hi Daisy, this is a great opportunity for you to express what you are all about. Have you ever met anyone who was so inspired and motivated that she rushed every day to happily achieve all her goals? Someone who inspires you to take action because she is taking such purposeful, thoughtful action about something she cares deeply about?

That is what you need to do here. Your hesitation is understandable, Because many people are not quite sure about what their purpose should be in writing this kind of essay. But if you get into an inspired state of mind before you begin to write, maybe the reader will be able to share in your inspiration. An admissions office reader can really appreciate an essay that gives her or him a meaningful experience, and perhaps even inspires them a little bit. When you do that for the reader, it motivates them to help you achieve your goals, too. Plus, everyone knows the most deserving students are the ones who make a detailed plan with short term goals, and proceed as busy enthusiastically toward achieving them.

The light! And this is a great player but I think will benefit a lot of people in the future are killed when they stumbled upon it. I look forward to seeing what you write!

Research Papers / Electricity from Fruit- science project [2]

What do you mean when you say you need it done fast? I see that you are new to this forum, so maybe you think you can get other people to do your work for you? I hope that is not the case.

If you want to brainstorm ideas, make some friends, and get some guidance about how to handle difficult parts of a research project, you should tell us about the books you are using, what you have learned, what ideas you have for this project, and so forth.

You have to add some energy to the thread by writing a little, and then other people will know how to help you get from point A to point B.

Essays / Writing topics about agree or disagree with this opinion? [6]

This is one of the best questions I've seen a long time. I think the advice that has been given already is great, but I also want to add that "to what extent" means something like" how much?"

So, I think you should break down the opinion into a few parts if that is possible, or look at it in a few different ways, and give one paragraph to discuss each card for a way of looking at it. Refer to words or phrases that are used in the opinion, and scrutinize them. The essay should have one main idea, and you should express that idea at the end of the first paragraph. In the body paragraphs of the essay you can express smaller idea is that support your main idea.

You are great, and this is a great question; I think many people will benefit by visiting this thread in the future. Thanks, everyone, for making this such a useful page!

Undergraduate / "an excellent candidate for the Radio & Television program" - Ryerson Personal essay [4]

Solid! The essay really shows that you have been thinking seriously about college. That is sort of rare; many students just go through the motions, but you should feel very confident because you clearly have put a lot of time into planning. Yet, their prompt also creates a situation in which all essays will be detailed and meaningful because of the specific questions they ask. How can you give yourself an advantage over the competition?

One way might be to develop your Monday morning theme a little more. That final sentence in the essay stands alone, a bit redundant, not having anything you to the theme that you establish to the beginning. All would be really great would be if you could reference some recent books or journal articles that pertain to journalism as an important part of Canadian life. Any time you write anything, you can make it stronger by citing research, statistics, etc.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Inventive essay about shopping malls. [3]

I see that Kelsey already noticed that a period is missing from the end of that quote.

You do have some great sentences...This essay lacks structure, but that is something most good writers have in common. You seem to be thinking in abstract, beautiful ways, but in order to communicate powerfully to the reader in show that you know how the two create what is considered good composition, you should organize this essay by anchoring it to one solid thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, and also uses great topic sentence is and conclusions sentences for paragraphs. Really around out each idea you share with the reader and make sure that it's something a reader can understand. I think maybe you are more of a dollar, rather than an essayist... there is a subtle difference between poetry and essay-writing... well, maybe not.

But specifically, I think you should add especially to that short second paragraph. Add a good topic sentence, maybe, or at least add a few sentences at the end to complete the point you are making.

:-)

Scholarship / Family influence, strong study skill, financial assistance -Scholarship Prompt Ideas? [3]


Well, it certainly would require a lot of creativity, because of their question specifically about you, and we don't know you. But that is obvious! I think I can help you by throw you out to be strategic about it. You not think of your goal. Each of these three questions is an opportunity for you to show how serious and determined you are. The way you can say can reflect something about you. As you begin to write, it focused on your vision for the future in your many goals. Focus is specially a common goals that you can achieve in the next few years as you attend this school. When you talk about your family, when you talk about your study skills, and when you talk about the importance of getting some financial assistance, you can discuss those things in terms of your master plan. You a person with a plan, and as such you are inspirational to the reader!

Undergraduate / My educational goals and why I would like to participate in TSA Associates Program [3]


The first few lines of this essay represent an example of brainstorming. This is the way I read my mind trying to brainstorm ideas. You became very redundant here as you repeated the importance of education for your future into the tsa.

The trick is to find some good raw material for your writing. Raw material comes in the form of books and articles. If you read some books and articles it will be easy for you to get great ideas about what is going on in your fields today and what you can do to contribute. First read, then write. Establish some goals, and become familiar with the work of the people who will be teaching you. Can you find anything they have written? It is time to set some deadlines for yourself, and set some goals.

carrier career

Undergraduate / "I am in good financial standing at any schools" - applying to a US high school [4]


Ha ha, they did a bad job of writing the question!!


Ha ha, you are great. I definitely agree...

Well, I don't want you to not think it isn't better if you don't choose not to use not in a sentence, but... I definitely don't not understand your confusion.

Okay, just kidding about that.

Just write a sentence: I am in good financial standing with all previous schools.
Or if they make you answer "yes" or "no" you should do exactly what mqgstan said:
Answer "no" (i.e. I am NOT not in good financial standing.) It will be okay. :-)

Undergraduate / Volunteering at the Library-Common Apps Extracurricular [6]


This part is unclear to me.


I think I understand what Jeffery means, but actually it is not necessarily true. It is not demeaning, and referring to the simplicity was an important part of this distinct description. However there DEFINITELY is wisdom in what Jeffery said. In general, I agree, but in this case I really like your presentation.

However, Jeffery's idea made me reconsider, and I am thinking it might be possible to use an intro that is even better. You can still keep the same idea while beginning this essay with the most intriguing sentence you know! (ha ha, unless the most intriguing sentence you know is inappropriate!). I also want to mention that this essay shows a really high level of writing.

Essays / If I quote something in my essay for the common app.. - citation? [3]

You are supposed to. Yet, many kids won't and it won't be held against them. However, you will be so impressive if you use proper MLA or APA!!

In fact, I would recommend citing something properly specifically for the purpose of showing your ability to do so.

And if you have a question about citations, ask us! '
I think it is probably not accurate to say you will be expelled for failing to use a parenthetical reference. The other commenter probably meant that if you deliberately tried to make it seem like someone else's words were your own, that would earn you a consequence.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Personal essay about myself - my identity [2]

I want to find places to shorten sentence and build intensity in the writing:
To many high school students, music, sports, and hobbies are the things that shape his or her identity. To me, my experience of living in the a boarding house was a huge factor which shaped my personality. In other words, , in another words my identity.

... were many other girls that were in a similar condition, as I was, being born in a different county and not being able unable to speak in English.

When you end a sentence with "too" it is good to use a comma: My friends helped me so many times, too.

Lastly, I recognized bad characteristics of myself at the boarding house, where many other students live . I'm very stubborn. I get stubborn when I am choosing for something. For example, I had a small quarrel with my roommates about a shower time because I was being adamant with about changing it.

The last paragraph summarizes the ideas, but it should also add one last idea -- something extra for the reader to think about. :-)