Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay about capital punishment [6]


I agree with legend777. You display very good writing skills, however, you need to adopt a good essay structure in which the reader feels comfortable in following your ideas.

Writing Feedback / Most of the people do not have adequate knowledge of the place they are traveling to [3]


.... you are so correct :)


.... Take this idea to another sentence. Also, there are grammar issues here.
This is my suggestion;
There are two ways that one can do this; travel by self or travel in a group led by a tour guide.

Writing Feedback / BABYSITTING; Narration of process essay [5]


First thing first and you need to make sure everything is in place and order before the baby arrives.


all the rooms are clean and safe / everything in the room is clean and safe


Have a few things that can capture baby's attention to keep the baby occupied and without having he or she approaching everything that is in vicinity

Writing Feedback / 'intellectual sources'; Colleges should better prepare students for the future. [3]


Why only now a days? Haven't them being so in previous eras?


I think you need to follow a more logical structure for your introduction.

Writing Feedback / What are the pros and cons of immigration? [4]

What I meant was that when your essay is not so appealing to read, others would not be interested in reading it. The outcome would be you'll be left with only one or two comments. So, present your essays in a more neat and tidy manner. Then others would have some interest to read.

Undergraduate / Event, formal or informal - CHILDHOOD to ADULTHOOD [3]


Honestly, I don't believe that defining moment of my transition from childhood to adulthood really came until I shifted from junior year into senior year in the last summer.


What are those events? Better start telling them now itself.

Undergraduate / 'In my society standing up to the elderly' Work experience. What do you think? [5]


exactly.... yes, "standing up to" has a different meaning for us. It usually means that, to rise to an upright position on the feet. So as amymaria comments, it's better you explain what it means.

In this question, you are supposed to talk more about your extra curricular activities or work experience, I wish you had more emphasis on those aspects.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Government is not necessary since we can redress many problems by our own. [5]

First, it is always good to have your prompt included in your writing because it helps us understand what your prompt expects from you and align your writing with it.


our living conditions become much better / our living condition becomes much better


human beings - two words
Also, this sentence is confusing and difficult to understand as to what you try to mean :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY:WHAT CAN WE DO TO PROMOTE EQUALITY? [7]

thanks Pahan... that's good work ;)

Writing Feedback / In some countries most of the people prefer to rent a house rather than buy one [7]

Well... follow this format for your introduction; When you think on these lines, you'll have a natural flow :)

Writing Feedback / Discuss the impact of the influx of immigrants and foreigners into Singapore. [4]

While it is true that the influx of foreigners and immigrants hashave brought about negative impacts such as frustration and resentment felt by the locals, the positive impacts still overweigh the negative impacts.


... is it the low birth rate or the insufficient levels of man power or workforce you are taking about? I mean how would foreigners can help Singapore with low birth rates if they are in Singapore for short tenures?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Dancing plays an important role in a culture. [4]


... I replaced the word country with culture to align your sentence more with the topic.
In every culture, people engage in dancing for entertainment, socializing and to relieve their stress.


Dancing is also an important aspect of the culture that represents the unique features of that culture and the beliefs of its people.

Writing Feedback / What are the pros and cons of immigration? [4]


.... you should present your essay neatly, otherwise you cannot expect to draw other's attention. Avoid sms type of language in essays, because it is very difficult for others to follow you.

Also, include your prompt or the topic with your essay so that others would know what it expects from you to provide more relevant feedbacks for you.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL INTEGRATED:The objectives of Dinosaurs' crests [5]

Well.... I may not be the best person with giving you scores. But I think this is very well written and follows a very logical structure. So, I expect that you would get more than 12 points ( at least 12 points with the toughest examiner .... lol) out of 15.

Don't worry about your scores. Worry about managing time.... So practice with time and I'm sure you'll go for a very good score :)

Writing Feedback / Choosing and wearing clothes by high school students [7]


.... this hook does not sound very meaningful... Rather it is not catchy... :(
Cloths are an essential as well as a very important aspect of our lives. .

Writing Feedback / TOEFL INTEGRATED:The objectives of Dinosaurs' crests [5]


... don't use numbers in the essays. Write them in letters unless you mention dates or years.


.... Very good introduction.


However, the professor rejects this claim by pointing out that most animals with a sensitive sense of smell, do have well-designed brains.
Very good writing.... You really don't have to worry about TOEFL writing tasks :)

Writing Feedback / In some countries most of the people prefer to rent a house rather than buy one [7]


... Rather than saying it this way, you can present the same idea more creatively;
There are obvious advantages in such decisions in terms of cost and facilities. However, we also cannot deny the fact that these decisions are free from any drawbacks.

Now go to your body paragraphs to talk about what are the advantages and disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / Friends and family have a lot of topics to talk together and sharing their opinion when watching TV [11]


Watching television is the most common thing that people do during their leisure time.


... you should keep general statements like these in present tense because they keep happening.


... This sentence is really not necessary since you are going to defend your opinion in the body paragraphs by giving reasons and supporting them with examples. Conclude your introduction with expressing your view clearly.

Please include a meaningful topic in the subject field in your future posts.

Writing Feedback / It is certain that a country's success is built up by several factors [2]


... it's not the quality, .... it is the status of economy or economic development/ progress


... this prompt is different from other agree/ disagree essay topic. There is not such argument mentioned in your prompt. It says ;


As per prompt, there is a statement that economic progress is used for measuring a country's success and some people have a concern of having some other factors also in that equation that is used for this measuring. It does not talk about two sets of people having opposite views. So you should align your introduction accordingly with what your prompt suggests.

Also, please include a more meaningful topic in the subject field and open this type of essays in Writing Feedback forum.

Undergraduate / Raised in multicultural hippy island of Ibiza, Spain; Central to my IDENTITY Essay [3]


Without any serious ponder, she packed everything, got her two daughters in her "Made in USSR" Lada and drove heading the West.


I feel it's better you improve the flow of the latter part. It seems you have a few ideas packed together and they don't flow freely in a logical manner. So, I like if you re-phrase that part.

Writing Feedback / Parents and adults should have a say in important decisions of teenage children [3]


.... you start your introduction with the background of your essay topic. It's better if you start with a hook that grabs the readers attention to your writing. The hook should be something very relevant to the topic and also catchy.

Writing Feedback / Small age kids have fresh brains, they are curious and grasp things easily. [2]

Throughout your essay, I find some disturbance in your presentation of ideas. I don't say your sentences are grammatically incorrect and your essay structure has issues. In fact you are quite good at them. However, I feel you can tell the same idea in a simpler, yet more interesting and convincing manner.


Take this line for example. Here, your ideas seem to be scattered here and there. What is the reason you suggest? It is that young children should feel that school is an interesting place. For that, the schools should provide them with facilities for all those extracurricular activities. This simple idea needs to be presented in a more convincing manner.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Children managing their own money - best way to learn responsibility [8]



.... your prompt is specific on handling money and don't go out of topic. When you say "responsibility" it involves many aspects, not just money. So, you limit your scope to what the prompt suggests.

manyMany people argue about learning teaching their children the financial responsibilityto handle money at in young ages or adulthoodis good. ... You should complete the sentence. Also - parents teach and children learn

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Schools should provide practical knowledge and skills to students [4]



Is it you who disagree with this statement? This sounds rather vague :(
I wish you follow the structure I suggested in your previous thread for constructing your introduction. Always conclude your introduction with a statement that expresses your position very clearly.

Undergraduate / My parents and two brothers; UC Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from [2]


.... this gives an impression that they positively contributed towards motivating you. But as you proceed it's kind of different approach. I wish you give some clue here itself.

My world revolved around the four characters that were my mom, dad and two brothers. Unfortunately My memories of childhood do not include playing with dolls or running around in parks. Instead, they include watching my brother threatening to kill my mom.

At a later stage you can tell that these experiences shaped your currently personality.

Writing Feedback / Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others don't [8]


Before introducing the topic, try to have a hook statement which grabs the reader's attention. It should also be relevant to your topic too;

The words competition and cooperation have opposite meanings. Some people argue that competition should be encouraged among children because they believe that rivalry between children would provide them with motivation. However, others hold the view that we should promote cooperation between children in order to instill team spirit in them.


Here you make a clear statement as to what position you hold. You can hold a moderate stance, but better tell it here.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that parents should teach children ; INTRODUCTION [5]

Education is one of the major factor that directly impact on beinga person becoming a good member of society. ... a good hook


This is fine.... you introduce the argument.... But you should have stopped at this point.


This one should be a new line in which you express your view. You follow the right structure for the introduction and that means you should earn a good score on intro :)

Scholarship / The importance of a strong point of view; USA Colleges/ SCHOLARSHIP [3]


....need to explain what IB is.
An year ago I came to know about this organization that operates in some schools across the globe to provide a strong multicultural experience to those who attend them.


In January they began the preregistration process and in March I was called to the capital city Caracas, which is about 300 miles from my home city Barquisimeto, to take part in a knowledge test, which was the first step of selection process.

Undergraduate / The world can be compared to a seesaw both filled with highs and lows; FSU [2]


My mother didn't wear one because she used to receive many cold stares at her from others in the streets.


Hearing this story for many years, I began to grow confused as to why someone would dislike someone else's religious or other cultural beliefs.

Writing Feedback / Increased fees affecting demand for University degrees [5]


Increased fees are a result of government actions and plans towards driving the economy towards a more satisfying one for everybody.


However, after some years had passed, inflation kept rising making consumers uncomfortable with paying paying for certain goods and services.


This situation demanded to the government to raise tuition fees from £1000 to £9000.

Writing Feedback / knowing about the past cannot help people to make important decision today. [6]


Past plays a very important role in our lives.

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: Is it justified for the entertainers to earn huge salaries? [8]


Sure :)


... are we impressed or shocked? ....lol... This line needs improvement;
Nowadays, we often wonder about the huge salaries that celebrities earn in the entertainment industry.


... write in present tense as this is a current issue.

Book Reports / My story begins in Southern part of Mycomb Country -To Kill a Mockingbird Expository [3]


The society where I grow is interested in being prim and proper and well mannered, while I feel more comfortable wearing overalls and climbing trees with my brother Jem and our neighbor Dill.


So, as you may have already guessed, I have very little of a stereotype girl who loves dolls and dresses.


and the purpose of here coming to stay with us was to transform my nature into a proper girl and her first task was to get me rid of my overalls.

Book Reports / Scout is a really smart girl; Character Analysis (to Kill a Mocking bird) [3]


.... this sentence has many issues and pretty poor in clarity too.
Jean Louise Finch, also known as Scout, is an innocent good hearted five year old child who is also very naive and had no understanding about the cruelty of the real world.


This sentence is too long and such length gets you to make many mistakes. Write shorter sentences with better clarity.

Undergraduate / my concentration and drive will take me all the way to the top. - my contribution to FAMU [4]


What's the relevance of these two lines with the rest of your response?


I am a hard worker, I don't stop trying until I reach my goal.


I am always prepared to go that extra mile to get the job done as I desire.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL WRITING: In 20 years from now on, students will not use printed books any more. [6]

As a result, somebodysome people states that, students will not use printed books any more after 20 years



Well, your have the hook and also you have expressed your opinion clearly. But you have not introduced the argument properly. You need to tell both sides of the argument. Then only you should state your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Should animals be used to research? [6]


.... nowadays ------------> is
This sounds better had you used direct speech;
Nowadays, many cosmetic and pharmaceutical companies use animals for various experimental testing as a part of their product development research projects.


.... you don't have to give too much details in the introduction.



Make a clearer statement to express your opinion;
Although both arguments have valid points, I personally believe that using for animals for experimenting is not ethical and should be avoided.

Undergraduate / My dominating friend; FORDHAM UNIVERSITY [7]


As I set my eyes on my favorite photo, I find a naive little girl embracing her dominant best friend. ... well, this is one word extra to what you wrote making up your word count to 500....lol


Eight years ago I often dreamed of growing up fast to escape from having anyone bossing me around.

Undergraduate / UVA supplement-What's your favorite word and why? 250 [9]

The best way to express things simpler is to give examples. Tell the theory and then support it with a real life example. That helps the reader to grasp the concept better and follow what you write. Otherwise, the reader would be bored and would not take much interest in following you. :) .... Even I am very keen in knowing what it means ...I really like Chinese philosophical stuff :)

Writing Feedback / Why tommy douglas is the greatest Canadian? [2]


In my view, Tommy Douglas was the most outstanding Canadian although many may vote for Terry Fox. Fox, without any doubt, did contribute a lot to cancer research, however, it was Tommy Douglas who made it cancer surgery free for the public.


Thomas Clement aka "Tommy" Douglas is supposed to be the father of Canadian Healthcare.


Douglas assumed large responsibilities as being the leader of the CCF