Writing Feedback / "I would go off and watch Law and Order"; William and Mary "Continued Interest Essay" [2]

Hello,

Sending this would be a waste of time(Unless your intended major was suppose to be creative writing). The time for creative writing samples is during the initial application. Since you were waitlisted, what you wrote in your initial application must have been good enough to at least be strongly considered. What you need to do at this stage is to provide real substantive information to the admissions committee. What have you improved? What community services have you undertaken? What college prep courses have you signed up for? That is what they will want to see and what you should provide to get off of the waitlist. -AAO

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Pondering over the career and my aptitude; NUS - computer Engineering [9]

Hello,

This entire essay is horrible! You come off as very snobbish and elitist, which WILL put off admissions readers. You talk about how great you are and all the awards you have and how you learned from the lowly house-keeper's daughter. How could you possibly think this essay would paint you in a great light? All NUS is asking here is for you to fill in the blanks. What other experiences do you have that make whatever program you are applying to a great match for you now? My strong advice to you is to change the tone of this essay. Humility works wonders and will win you favors. Since I do not know what your main essay was about, or for what program you are applying to, I cannot fully help you. If you submit those here, I will be able to give you general guidance on how to change this essay.

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Philippines inspired me to craft my own art; SOP - TRANSFER [3]

Hello,

As you may already know, SCAD is the TOP art school in the United States of America. Admissions is very very difficult. Because of this, your SOP needs to be really strong. Out of a scale of 1-10, this SOP is about a 3. There is nothing unique here. Why SCAD? You do not talk about any of the resources of the school that you plan on utilizing. There is a strategy for applying to artistic programs in that your SOP should match your submitted portfolio. So whatever your portfolio contains should also form the basis for your SOP. So if your portfolio contains paintings and several sketches, your SOP should focus on the qualities of SCAD that will strengthen your talents in that area. We can help here.

Hope this helps.

Graduate / Cross the vast, aqua blue ocean - Discuss three accomplishments - Health Admin. MBA [6]

Hello,

While this essay is nice and heartwarming, this is not what any good MBA program is looking for. MBA programs are designed to enhance the leadership skills of students. The aim of this short question was to learn more about what experiences have been most rewarding to you. Normally,these should leadership experiences. While one accomplishment can be academic related - simply graduating is not a really strong accomplishment when compared to what your peer applicants will submit. Everyone has issues, as you know, with only 200 words here to discuss three issues, you will not have enough length to fully explain why graduating was such a major accomplishment for you. Therefore, I would suggest that you change your strategy here to where at least one of your experiences/accomplishments should be of a professional - one non-academic nature(Internship, job). One should be academic, but more of a true academic accomplishment like winning the top entrepreneur award at your undergraduate college, and the other can be about experiences that deal with group dynamics (volunteer groups, leadership roles/experiences, community service.) -AAO

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Album Review- There's no formula;NYUTransfer- Tisch Clive Davis Ins of Recorded Music [5]

Hello,

So that is good. Now I know that your writing/analysis is on topic. Your writing style is good except it is missing one very important element. When you negatively critique something, especially a creative piece, you have to give examples/quotes/references and then talk about what went wrong/right. So something like this..."His childish lyrics like "I'll run and go get an ice cream cone" make his music his music unbearable to anyone over the age of 12." So you always want to give the reader a sense of how/why you formulated your opinion. To best do this, you always need to provide a "sample" so that individuals who are not familiar with the artist can better understand your critiques and analysis. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / GMAT AWA ; Common notion, workers are genreally apathetic about mgmt issues is false [4]

Hello,

Several issues here. First of all, way too many grammatical issues here to get a top score AWA score. Secondly, you both agree and disagree with the assertion in this essay. In your second to last paragraph you state "Sometimes, the workers do feel apathetic towards management decisions." which contradicts your first statement that workers are not apathetic. When writing your responses you should pick one stance and stick with it throughout the entire essay. There is no room for standing on the fence on an issue/topic. Lastly, practicing for this section of the GMAT is almost a complete waste of time as it is rarely ever taken into consideration. Focus the bulk of your time on the other sections of the GMAT as they hold all the weight. -AAO

Undergraduate / Album Review- There's no formula;NYUTransfer- Tisch Clive Davis Ins of Recorded Music [5]

Hello,

So I took a look at the requirements for this program which can be found here: clivedavisdept.tisch.nyu.edu/object/ugrmusicportfolio.html . I did not see any requirement that instructs the applicant to write anything close to what you have done here. However, I may be wrong. Just in case I am not, please point me to where an "Album Review" is required for this program so I can help you better/. -AAO

Undergraduate / "Who's that, hunky?" ; UPenn Wharton-EXTRACURRICULAR [3]

Hello,

After reading all three of these short essays, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Are you a store manager of a liquor store or a drugstore or maybe a bodega? I have no idea. Are you serving these people who come stumbling in more alcohol or vinegar...again I have no idea. Finally, how is this your extracurricular as it reads more like a part-time job at your family business which reallllly doesn't count....again, I have no idea. So in conclusion, this essay simply does not do you any favors as it is wayyyy too vague to convey any sense of passion for anything that Upenn would be looking to see. If anything, your vagueness might work against you as someone could easily think that you willingly serve already drunk patrons more alcohol. My advise to you is for you to do a radical re-write off these. -AAO

Letters / Motivation Letter for applying to business school. [3]

Hello,

When applying for business school, your motivation letter needs to have more detailed than what you have provided here. They will want to know why you need another degree in business so soon after you completed your undergraduate? They will also want to know what are you really seeking from this degree. Why this degree now? So overall this is not a good motivation letter as it doesn't read as though you have really thought about the process fully. You don't really talk about why you need this degree and what your intentions are post degree. These are all the BASIC elements needed to write a decent motivational statement to a business school.

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Umich Transfer Essay, Community Essay Prompt (ADHD is beautiful) [3]

Hello,

I think this is a good essay that will be different from most, so you will stand out. However, you should know that 7% of the World's population is not a "tiny" community. You should remove that as it makes you seem slightly naive.

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / "My passion on Urban Planning" UIUC TRANSFER - Academic & Professional Goals [4]

Hello,

This is a good essay. Your travels lend credibility to your assertions. However, there is one major flaw. Your entire essay is more focused around the transportation aspect of Urban Planning. This would be fine except that you close by stating that your goal is to "create more efficient and aesthetically pleasing cities." Normally these are two seperate subsets of Urban Planning. For this short essay, you need to be as succinct as possible. Because of this, I highly suggest that you pick one track and stick with it throughout the entire short essay. We can help. -AAO

Hope this helps

Graduate / COMPUTER & MANAGEMENT; Statement of purpose for MBA [3]

Hello,

You have really amazing experience. Google and IBM will really speak volumes to Admissions officers, especially for an MBA degree. However, this SOP is very weak. Nothing here is tied together and it doesn't present you in a very strong light at all. A decent SOP is normally 1-2 pages unless otherwise directed by the program. You need to talk about how your interest arose, how it was developed and how you plan to grow further utilizing the resources of the program. You do not begin to do any of these things in the SOP you have presented here. We can help. -AAO

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Global Business at University of Southern California; Transfer essay to USC 2013 [3]

Hello,

As you might expect, USC is one of the most popular schools for transfer students. As such, transferring into USC is almost as hard as getting in as a freshman. Because of this, transfer applications and supporting documents need to be as strong as possible. While you give great reason for your why you wish to study mathematics, you do not give a strong enough reason for why USC? This will be the most pressing issue for anyone that will be applying as a transfer student. Why USC and Why now? Your why now response is easy---but your Why USC vs the hundreds of other California Colleges will need to be developed further. We can help -AAO

Hope this helps

Graduate / My enthusiasm towards electrical gadgets; Essay for Phd in Telecommunication [3]

Hello,

This is hardly a SOP. While you give great detail on your background, you do not talk about what areas you specifically wish to study and why you wish to study these. In a Statement of Purpose that should pretty much be your main objective. Also you need to talk about the program and the resources you intend to utilize there. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Scholarship / Desperate for guidance; Scholarship-Leadership experience [2]

Hello,

"It appears that every girl wants to be a Barbie, Nicki Minaj is the hair color queen, and the thing she influences is bad intact weave. Every boy in a neighborhood wants to rap and sing, but none of them want a PhD." Please do not generalize. In an essay about leadership, the last thing you want to do is cast a wide gaping net on an entire population. Stick to the prompt and talk about your leadership experiences rather than what you may think of a group of individuals. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Innovative products/ Nerd; USC(Engineering)- Benefit society?/ GEEK or NERD? [2]

Hello,

First I'd like to say that your response to the first prompt was fantastic. I got a good chuckle from your taxes response and think it is really original. Good. Now for the second half of prompt one - where you take a complete nose-dive. In comparison to your taxes response, it is rather dull. Maybe you should talk about your fitness goals here and how you could utilize your passion for fitness to help one of these companies produce products/services that address the fitness goals of many in society. That will tie in perfectly with your taxes answer. This would mean you would have to pick another reason for why you are or are not a geek or nerd. For this essay you need to give a firm answer such as something that you do that is or is not considered geeky or nerdy. Fitness goals would be too general here, but saying that you are the captain of the football team for example would be more direct and easy for anyone to visualize. -AAO

Hope this helps

Graduate / Desire/ Coursework & Exposure; SOP- Master's International Affairs / Relations [2]

This SOP is fine except for a few points. You do not really talk about what it is you really want to do. Are you applying straight out of undergrad or did you work a little? If so, talk about any job experience you may have had and how that helped steer your desire to study international relations on the graduate level. Also, you need to really detail WHY? WHY? WHY? Did you participate in any governmental programs? Any type of poverty relief program? Are you the child of diplomats? What exactly is driving this passion? Fully flush out projects that you have actually been involved in to show a true vested and demonstrated interest. -AAO

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Shadowing Ogechi/ Rating/Opportunities; How you learned about NJIT & Why applying? [2]

Hello,

So you participated in upward bound---a very good program. This program really helps high school students learn a lot about several different colleges. How did NJIT differ from other colleges you learned about? Why/How did it stand out? I like the fact that you talked about visiting the campus and shadowing your cousin. Now you should have a good understanding of the resources available at the school. What you need to do now is link the resources available at the college to things you wish to take advantage of. Be specific and give at least one or two examples. To save on space you can remove any references telling NJIT how great it is, they already know this. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Do you think that Harvard - with it's 30,000+ applicants and 90,000+ essays divided between no more than 30 readers will put much effort into trying to understand your essay? You over thought this essay and in doing so made it very convoluted. I understand you put a lot of work into it. But with these short essays, you do not have the luxury of hoping someone fully understands you. There is a reason for word limits. It forces the writer to get to the point quickly. You did everything but! If I were reading your application, I would flat out reject you because you did not write effectively nor efficiently enough. However, lucky for you, I don't work for Harvard admissions. Applicants really need to understand. Your application is like a resume. You have about one minute in front of the reviewer to make a solid impression. Those that pass that test are then seriously considered. Unfortunately at the Harvard level, there are more qualified applicants than spaces so the game then shifts to "how can I or why should I reject this applicant." I say this time and time and time again, the best essays are the ones that are simple, to the point and convey passion clearly and concisely. Trying to be overly philosophical fails more times than not. -AAO

Btw, as a former admissions officer at an Ivy League College, I can tell you that this is the main reason why so many Valedictorians or students with a perfect 2400 SAT or students with a perfect 4.0 GPA get rejected. Because many of them feel that they are writing essays that will wow the reader when in reality it helped send their application to the deny pile.

Here is a good example of an essay written on a commonly written topic. after reading that essay you will probably understand how you could have conveyed your message in a clearer way.

Hope this helps.

Graduate / Develop clinical work & research ; Career Goals for MD/MPH program [3]

Whenever an essay is limited to 100 words or less, that signals that they are really testing your ability to express your desire and drive to do something. As you know Med School is one of the hardest programs to get into. Why would you write;" I want to attend a top ranked metropolitan medical school." Top ranked med school? All med schools are arguably good. What difference would going to let's say Columbia Med provide you over Med School at the University of Alabama in achieving your goals of helping African Americans? Also, what benefit is added to this essay by starting off with; "Immediately following my post baccalaureate program....?" None. My suggestion is to really try to have this statement be more impactful by utilizing the valuable real estate as best as you possibly can. Remove useless fillers and really talk about what you want to do and why you want to do it. With so few words allowed, every word that you write in this statement needs to pull its own weight. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Graduate / Mathematical Statistics & application on Financial problems; SOP(PhD. Statistics) [2]

Hello,

It really really appears that what you want to do is go to wall street rather than anything that truly has to do with a PhD in statistics. I suggest that you talk more about how your interest came about especially with the financial aspect. Then you need to talk about your near and far future plans. Armed with the degree what do you want to do? Once you add these, you should easily get to 1,000+ words. Please note that depending on which school you are applying to, some professors(Who will review your application), hate when applicants pursue a degree such as this one for non-academic purposes. Also, please note that a PhD is not a desired degree on wall street and you will be more likely than not banished to operations or an insurance company. If you take a look at most Master's of finance programs, at least 25% of the class is made up of students that hold quantitative PhD degrees who have learned this lesson the hard way... So....if you desire is really for a wall street type job, you should really look at the Masters of finance degree. There is still time available to apply at several schools. -AAO

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for College about an educational dilemma that I have encountered [3]

Hello,

This is a great , well written, feel-good story. However, I am not sure that I see the educational dilemma...Where was the "fork in the road" along the journey and which choice did you make and why?. If your dilemma was to either accept your parent's claims that nothing was wrong with you or seek a professional diagnosis - you must clearly specify that this is the dilemma. Then you must weigh the pros and cons of each situation, closing with the choice you chose and why. Once you clarify this, this essay will be perfect. -AAO

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / International studies and the Global Awareness Program; Is Seattle U a good match? [2]

Good. I like this essay as it seems your focus will be on the Global Awareness program and you gave several examples to support why you desire to join this program. You also show that not only have you have fully researched the university, but already have plans to utilize the resources available there and are confident it is the right fit. Good job - AAO

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

This makes absolutely no sense. You tried to write on such a "high level" that your writing became too vague rending any message you tried to convey undecipherable. Fortunately for you the reader at Harvard might like this but more likely than not they wont. This is one of those mundane topics that the admissions counselors at Harvard will see at least 5,000 times this year. The vast majority of applicants will be 16 to 18 year olds. As such, most are right in the period where they start rebel against things that they were forced to do by their parents. Teenagers at this age are on the cusp of freedom for the first time and just like you did, a lot of teenagers will write about this but with greater clarity and success. As always, best of luck and keep your fingers crossed. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / City life/ Architecture/ Diverse culture; How UChicago satisfy my desires [5]

Hello,

This question went over your head. The prompt cleared asked how does the U of C satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning. This was the main question here. It forces you to research the university and its methods of teaching. Once identified, you need to explain how this type of teaching is beneficial to the type of learner you are. -AAO

Hope this helps

Graduate / Strong alumni net /Life-long legacies/Credibility; Automotive Engineering [7]

Hello,

This SOP clearly reads as though you didn't write it yourself. Not only that, but it appears that it was written by a non-native English speaker due to the abnormal overuse of "SAT" type words and the way the words are structured. However, the more important thing here is the content. It seems you have some good experience and great grades but this SOP comes off as overly confident. You continuously boast about how good you are at this and that and focus a good chunk of this SOP on things that you did alone but with a very selfish, anti-teamwork tone. It will rub many readers the wrong way as you seem overly egotistical. In an SOP your main goal is to point out your interests and how the program you are applying to has the resources to help you enhance those, but also you should come across as genuine, eager to learn, somewhat vulnerable and as a team player. This SOP fails on all these levels. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Research at the NNRC ; Statement of Intent, PhD applicaion, Electrical Engineering [3]

Hello,

I am not sure if your application deadline has already passed but this is not a strong statement of intent. First, your usage of the word "appliances" although not technically wrong, is not appropriate here. Using the phrase "real world application(s)," would be more fitting. More importantly, you failed to talk about every single major point that this statement requires. You really do not discuss why you want to study in this program. You do not talk about your strengths and how you would strengthen this program. Lastly, you provide several sob stories or excuses which the instructions explicitly ask that you refrain from doing. Take a look at some of my old posts here for the graduate level where I outline how to write a strong graduate level statement of purpose or statement of intent. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

Hello,

It's pretty funny that you knew the problem with this essay all along. You are right....this essay is indeed too cheesy and too fake. You are "a caged bird and need to fly free at Chicago." Ha! If only I had a dollar for each time I have read this very same statement. There is nothing unique about this essay. Surely you can find the same "freedom" at many other universities across the world. Why Chicago? Surely you can find rigorous academics as well...Why Chicago? This essay, as you have it written here will do your application no favors as it doesn't tell the admissions committee that you understand the resources that the school has nor does it show you have a plan to wisely utilize them. -

Hope this helps.

Graduate / Innovation and Entrepreneurship contest ;MS in Management Studies [3]

Hello,

It really amazes me how you could write a 1,000 word essay and still not answer the prompt. What this school hopes to learn about you from this essay is what are some of your leadership styles. What roles do you assume on a task? What strategies do you employ to help resolve issues? They want to read specifics. Stating " I have learned to take a holistic approach to problems..." outdoes really mean anything. You need to really flush out each step of this project for this to be an effective essay about challenges you faced. They want to read detailed specifics and more importantly exact steps you took to remedy real conflict as it arose. If you do this, it will be a great essay. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / My grandfather came to Surat at age of 19 / MIT - Family [3]

Hello,

This essay will certainly get you rejected from MIT. While you have good intentions here, this essay is very weak and is filled with too many grammatical errors. What you are doing here is telling a story. As much as we love stories, a 250 word limited essay is not a place for them as you just do not have time to fully develop one. Because of this, you need to provide short bursts of powerful statements that show lessons learned from your family. You then need to use these lessons learned to justify why you desire to study engineering. If you do this, you will be able to produce an essay that will be worthy of admissions to MIT.

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Connecticut College / Firewood - Meaningful place, Supp / Why Conncoll? [8]

Hello,

I only had a chance to review your first essay and it is in really bad shape. Not only does it not make any sense, but also, it is fraught with poor grammar and content that is absolute nonsense. You do not mention anything unique to CC college and just ramble from one topic to the next. What this essay wants from you is a sense that you have fully researched the institution and the resources they have to offer. It should be your goal in this essay to display this knowledge as well as to give the admissions committee a sense that you know exactly how you wish to utilize the resources of the college to help you achieve your future goals. We can help.

Hope this helps

Graduate / Dynamic research group of UF; University of Florida/ PhD(Pharmaceutical Sciences)-SOP [3]

Hello,

The content of this SOP is ok but needs to be strengthened for admissions to UF which is well know for its Pharmacy program. Also, and more importantly, it seems that you have a poor understanding of written English. This SOP is filled with too many grammatical errors that will make it hard for anyone to read from start to finish. For example you state " I made my find to step further in academia and therefore proceeded towards pursuing master degree. As a result, I worked very hard to develop good understanding and to fetch good score and that had helped me to get the admission into Pharmaceutical Science and Engineering stream at University of Leeds, UK," although I can decipher what you want to say, the poor grammar and structure of the sentence will make many feel that you do not have a strong command of the English language-- something that will be needed to complete the program. We can help.

Hope this helps.

Graduate / European Master in Strategic Project Management / Motivational statement [2]

Hello,

This motivational essay will need a lot of work before you can present it to any admissions board. While I somewhat understand what you are trying to say, you do not structure this essay in a way that makes you seem capable of undertaking a degree where the language of instruction is English. On the content front I like the example that you give about the trains, however, instead of making it into a story as you have done here, use it as an example of dysfunction and how the program you are applying to will provide you with the educational resources to help you avoid future calamities once you return to your home country. Also talk more about the program and align the offerings of that program to academic shortfalls that you currently have. - admissions advice online.

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Doctor? Yeah i always wanted to be a Doctor. [2]

Hello,

Blah Blah Blah. Take a look at the thousands of past examples on this forum. This essay is so bland and monotonous that I almost fell asleep. This is the same type of essay that comes up day after day. You clearly state that you want to be a doctor, but what you submit here doesn't demonstrate that. Where is the attention to detail. Yes you are limited to 1000 characters but you have managed to use those as ineffectively as possible. Let's see:

The University of Rochester will challenge me not only as a student but as a citizen. (How?)
Its academic curriculum, which encourages each student to take a variety of courses (Courses like?)
will allow me to become a more holistic professional. (How?)
I am confident that this institution can provide me with a rewarding college experience. (Really?, How do you know this? You don't really give details on anything).

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Dream of becoming a CMU Tartan; Carnegie Mellon Application: Why Carnegie Mellon [4]

Hello,

As soon as I read "Carnegie Mellon first attracted my attention in grade school because I really like to eat melon" I would haul your folder into the rejection pile. Why??? Which grade schooler is equating melons with CMU unless for some reason you lived across the street? Part of submitting great essays is the belivability factor. If you start out with something that many will not believe - even if it is true, then it makes it easy for them to just discount the rest of your application. Additionally, the only aspect of this essay that is decent is the fact that you talked about the interdisciplinary nature curriculum. Other than that, you did not point out a single real reason why CMU other than what you might have read on their website or on a brochure. CMU wants students that are passionate about their program. Students who know exactly the resources the school offers and how they plan on using them. This is what they are looking for. They already know they have a great program, no need for you to tell them again.

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / passion for business, international diplomacy/Penn(Wharton) Sup; Engage academically? [8]

Hello,

As many here know, not only am I an Alumnus of Penn, but I also served as an admissions officer there. Because of this, I am always try to respond to Penn inquiries here. Unlike most questions asked by most top programs, there is a right answer to this question. Penn is looking for a specific answer. While I cannot tell you what that is, I can tell you that you did not respond on the level that Penn is looking for. The things that you have listed in your first essay can be found at any top undergraduate business program in the country. Why Penn? You should narrow your essay to focus on the resources that make Wharton --Wharton. - AAO/final-check

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Moral and ethics/ Endless patience; Yale "About me" /Influential Person, or Morals [3]

Hello,

While neither of these essays are of Yale standards, the second one is at least workable. The second essay is very cluttered and is not staged for a smooth read. If you want the reader to read the entire thing, you must stage the essay so that it flows smoothly. You start the essay off well by talking about his fame, but the transition into the two examples of how to end a phone conversation jumbles the flow substantially. Try to clarify this and put more emphasis on the lesson learned and how you have applied it in real world situations. - AAO/final-check

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / High heels helped me battle my inner demons../UChicago Arch-Nemesis Supplement [6]

Hello,

Kudos! This is a perfect example of taking a boring and overly used topic (self doubt, lack of confidence), and making it truly unique. Normally I tell clients to never point out negative aspects about themselves in an essay, but here it simply works. Really really well done and really refreshing to see a unique spin on a pretty mundane topic. - AAO/final-check

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Internship at the University of Technology PETRONAS; Cornell's Engineering [3]

Hello,

Really well written essay. To make this essay stronger, you should try to draw a comparison between the lack of resources available at your high school to those that will be available at Cornell. So instead of just saying Cornell is great especially for engineering, talk about a specific lab there that you cannot wait to explore. We can help. - AAO/final-check

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Alleviating the pain in others; Johns Hopkins: Why did you pick this major? [6]

Hello,

You are applying to Johns Hopkins for bio....how many of the exact same essay responses do you think they will receive? Answer: thousands! There is absolutely nothing unique about your response here. Everyone will state the "heal the world" verbiage. You need to inject passion and resolve throughout this essay. The internship is a good start but other than that, this essay is a clear flat-line Dead on Arrival. With 100% certainty, I can state that this essay will do you no favors in terms of enhancing your chances for admissions to JHU for a major in bio. - AAO/final-check

Hope this helps