Undergraduate / "inspired by my parents' life story" - MIT Describe the world you came from [3]

Here is another correction:
My family is very diligent and hardworking; we believe that education and determination represent the path toward a successful life.

I was inspired by my parents' life story stories, especially my father's.

Using their life story stories as a guide, my parents ...

:-)

Graduate / SOP for German University - Master of Computer Science Smart Systems [5]

I think your first 2 sentences are unhelpful, and you can make the essay better by cutting them from it. That way, it would start like this:

t's difficult to remember when I first touched a computer. My first relationship with computers started with playing games at the age of 6. I became extremely curious when I saw the Yamaha YIS-503II MSX computer for the first time, which had its own monitor and keyboard, so when I reached seventh class in my secondary school and took private lessons in programming. ---Now it will begin with that sentence that has the word curious. I think people immediately become curious when they see the word curious, so they will be immediately interested in your essay! :-)

Less is more. Cut the unnecessary words:
I want to pursue my knowledge in computer science and also receive a deeper knowledge in IT than I have now.

This essay will be more impressive if you mention some of the articles you have been reading recently, because that will show how proactive you are (instead of passive). Show that you are proactive, that you are reading a lot of articles about very recent research. :-)

Undergraduate / "a program at a local nursing home" - Common App Short Answer [4]

Ha ha, awesome... this made me really happy when I read it. I bet they found a lot of old friends on Facebook!! :-) And Youtube is great, too, because it has videos from way back in history... we can see more of what was going on in 50's now than people could see THEN!

So... you did a great thing. Now, add some ideas about how you might like to continue this kind of work in college, and add a memorable thesis statement for the essay. It can be one long paragraph or two short paragraphs.

:-) thanks for doing this great service for those senior citizens. (I was probably one of them in another life.)

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins outside of school essay- "Music is my life" [4]


Cool Brianna, this made me laugh... it is funny to talk about having no social life... and to talk about it as though you are giving a lecture.. ha hahaha...

When you write a compound sentence, you should use a comma:
The great majority of my friends are in band, and I ...

Therefore, this making music is what ...

Nice... But you need to add more? How about giving this a theme> It is not enough to just answer the question. You need to make them remember you. The humor did accomplish that, but a great, unforgettable theme will be even better. I think you can go on to explain the way it is to have no social life, and then explain how you will try to use music to solve that problem, which it also causes. :-)

Graduate / "Food Process Engineering" - Personal Statement Critique (PhD) [3]

Cannot is usually one word, not 2 words.

...because during my undergraduate study I had personally experienced...

I, therefore, wish to continue with the same motto in all my future endeavors.---When I get to this part, I feel that you need another sentence added to the end of the intro paragraph, because you need to show how this theme relates to the main idea of the essay. Show, at the end of that first para, what your message to the reader is going to be.

It is my pleasure to mention that I was born in Guntur, which is located in Andhra Pradesh, a south Indian state and raised in Vallabh Vidyanagar, an educational township, located in Gujarat, a western state of India. ---You should revise this sentence so that your birthplace is mentioned as part of a statement that helps to explain that main idea of the essay (the main idea expressed at the end of the intro paragraph.)

...which was well appreciated by my school fraternity.---When I get to this sentence, I think you should refer back to the Gandhi quote in some way... it is your responsibility to show, in each paragraph, some evidence or explanation to support your main message to the reader. And that message is linked to the quote, because you chose to link it to the quote in your intro.

One person's life influences the lives of an unbelievable number of people, ----I don't know if this is really related to your main idea. Be careful not to let your essay be full of all kinds of different ideas.

One Essay = One big idea.
One paragraph = one smaller idea to show that the big idea is true.

In conclusion, I would like to add that the essence of university education lies in the synergetic relationship between the student and his department. ----Another great idea, but like I was saying... you really need to go back to the intro paragraph and revise it so that it introduces a MAIN THEME that unites all these good ideas. What do all these concepts have in common? Try to establish a theme at the end of that intro paragraph that will be a common thread running through all these concepts from the body paragraphs.

Your experiences are obviously very impressive!! Just try to solidify that theme!!

:-)

Undergraduate / "a reanimated (and sentient) Lucy" - NYU Mini-essay 3 [2]

I have an idea to make this sentence more powerful: We've lasted, we're still going strong, and that there's so much more out there for us to find and to do. (The way you had originally written int, it was an incomplete sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / North Carolina: How I Spent My Summers - Princeton Supplement [4]


Cliche, not meaningful... you know that rule, "Show, don't tell." When you use a lot of modifyers, like "absolutely," and especially a cliche like, "Absolutely loved..." that is telling instead of showing. Dazzle the reader with interesting examples. :-)

Good style in composition is like kicking a refrigerator three times until it falls over. Give a strong kick at the beginning by using a sentence that expresses the main message or concept you want to share. Kick 'em again in the meddle by referring back to that concept. Then, kick them one last time at the end. Have a theme that is the message of the whole essay, and express it 3 times. For this... you are just telling what you did in the summer. It will be best if you show that your summer activities reflect the same interest that makes you want to choose the college program of study that you are choosing. That should be part of your main message to the reader. :-)

Undergraduate / "a promising engineering aspirant" - Why did you choose Carnegie Mellon? [3]


All this content is vague and abstract. These are just nice words, not meaningful words. They want to know about your plan and how their program fits with the plan. Some students have no plan, so if you have been thinking about your short term goals, let them know by expressing your plan in this introduction.

As I continue to read, I still see very little about your goals. You are a great writer, but this essay is not as good as it could be, because you do not seem to have a well-developed plan for the next few years. :-)

Undergraduate / Looking on objectively - Common app essay [10]

Yes, delete that paragraph! Well, that is what I would do, but I often do foolish things... still I think it should be deleted. I like your theme a lot, but that paragraph is sort of meaningless and redundant as you expect. When a reader reads those sentences, nothing really new is learned, and no new insights are discovered. Also, I hate the words "I believe" in an essay, because it is always better to just state when you believe instead of adding those words.

Here is another suggestion:
I live to people-watch. I think God intended for me to people-watch.

:-)

Graduate / "Dr. Ellen's teachings" - Vet School Essay [3]

This is a run on sentence:
I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaking hands on the horse's neck, I exhaled as I pushed the needle in. You can fix it like this:

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaking hands on the horse's neck. I exhaled as I pushed the needle in.

or
I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaking hands on the horse's neck, and I exhaled as I pushed the needle in.

This essay is excellent. It captures the attention, introduces the theme, and then expounds your interests in a really excellent way. You even got the correct use of "effect" as a verb, even though it usually is a noun:

effect positive change in the lives of ----This is correct, but a lot of people get this wrong...Good job!!!

Undergraduate / "about pen coats!" - extracurricular activities Common short [3]

"Has anyone u sed pen coats? Give them to me please!" People called me a learned rubbish collector because I gathered pen coats from my classmates every Friday afternoon in case they threw would be thrown away at home.

From a young age, I have realized that daily accumulation amounted to unpredictable, striking consequence.---This is a great sentence!!

When you thoughtfully consider something, that is reflecting on it. When you act in a way that shows sensibility, your actions reflect sensibility. So that is 2 different meanings, and it depends on if you say "reflect" or "reflect on." ---> Every time I saw mounds of pen coats at home, not only did I reflect on stories that accompanied some of them, but I also felt ineffable contentment and courage as what I had done would surely influence my lifestyle in future.

You are great!! This is a meaningful accomplishment.

Undergraduate / "to expand my education and obtain an accounting degree" - Reasons for transferring [10]

I had failed because of...

I remember commenting yesterday on the words "Isolated from..." but that must have been in a different essay you wrote. I think you need to say separated from instead of isolated from. When you are isolated, I think by definition it means separated from the rest of whatever is being talked about... so I think the word isolated should be used by itself and not with the word "from."

At the end of the essay, it seems to be about diversity, but at the beginning it seems to be about getting your priorities straight. I think you need to try to use a great word or phrase to establish a theme that the reader will enjoy throughout the whole essay. :-) You write very well!

Undergraduate / "students and engineers" - Common Essay: Scuba Diving [4]

I also wanted to mention: Milky Way and Universe are both nouns that should be preceded by "The."

The universe...
The Milky Way...

:-)

Undergraduate / "students and engineers" - Common Essay: Scuba Diving [4]


If you understand the wisdom behind this concept, you won't need to ask others whether you are showing or telling. The idea is to do something indirect.

Telling: Fright or anxiety has never stopped my desire to explore the unknown. I know I won't be satisfied unless I try out and see it for myself.

Showing: So I gather myself together, and jump in with my whole self.

Check out how great it becomes without the telling: "Bioluminecence, that's what those are," my first instructor Jimmy told me three summers ago, in inky lukewarm water, waist deep. I struggled adjusting the buoyancy and held tight on my buddy's arm the whole time that night, frightened that I might get lost in that unknown world, but when I surfaced after thirty minutes my face was glowing, exhilarated. I gathered myself together and jumped in with my whole self. (Now add a sentence that describes the state of mind you experience when you take a leap of faith, overriding fear.)

Time really does get lost, when the reality is mixed with the surreal. ---I don't know exactly what you mean with this sentence, because it uses to many words subject to varying interpretations. It would be good if you could simplify this; even though it is a really cool sentence, if you have too many words subject to varying interpretations, the whole thing loses its meaning.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ethan Frome Analytical Essay - Sledding Passage [2]

Please do not paste content that appears on other websites! :-)


Does this sentence accurately express the main idea, the main message of your essay?
I notice that at the end you assert that they "send a message about choices." I think this is a great idea that you should write a few sentences about in the intro paragraph. Make sure that intro paragraph really expresses your main message to the reader. :-)

I like this sentence! --->Not only does this speak to the time period, but it also speaks to Ethan's future state of mind.

Writing Feedback / Conscience upholds a string of moral values in life; SAT practice essay [5]

I think it will be a better essay if you add a thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph. That paragraph is very short right now, and I think you can improve the whole essay by adding a sentence that tells the main message of the essay. Add it at the end of that first paragraph.

One thing epitomizes, but two or more things epitomize. Use the correct plural:
The cruelty and ruthlessness in Adolf Hitler, who came to power in Germany in 1933, epitomizes epitomize the...

Awesome! I challenge you to add that thesis statement at the end of paragraph 1, and also I think you should add one last sentence at the end of the LAST paragraph... and leave the reader with some "extra" final thought to consider. :-)

Undergraduate / "my dreams of becoming an engineer" - Duke Supplement essay [4]


Try very hard to come up with a totally original way to talk about this, because unfortunately a lot of students tell about their childhood love of taking things apart to see how they work. Hundreds of essays like that are written each year.

So, make it original and funny if you can.

meddling with mechanisms---Awesome. You are not only an engineer but also a wordsmith, and engineer of awesome sentences.

Great job, but if you can find a word of phrase to use as a theme, a memorable theme, something that unites the 2 or 3 main ideas you express here, that will make the essay perfect. Give it a theme so that if someone asks me, "What is it about?" I can tell them easily in a few words.

Undergraduate / "A good match for all of me" (Why Stanford) [4]


It is good if you can avoid sentences that fall into the category of "I have always been." So many students write that they have enjoyed something since a young age. Even to say you have always been curious is a little too simple. Dazzle them with a, great, intriguing example.

My curiosity and plethora of interests are what make me - well, me. You have a cool writing style, but this kind of sentence is just too obvious. Even though you write in a great way, you are still not allowed to include truisms like this. :-)

Focus on showing examples, interesting examples of your particular outlook and curiosity... fill it with examples, like filling a nutty candy bar with nuts.

Undergraduate / (father debate, natural world, dishes) Why Stanford, Intellectual Vitality and Letter [8]


I always prefer to have stuff like this revised so that it is not so cliche, so common. To say you were interested in something since childhood is just so common in these essays. I think it will be better to SHOW that you loved it since childhood by replacing this sentence with one that mentions a specific example of something you did at a young age, action you took based on this interest.

I like this sentence: Her idea of using small molecules to disrupt cellular processes in bacteria interests me deeply because it may be an effective way to study pathogens' cell wall biosynthesis. --This really shows your understanding of her work.

Undergraduate / "Pioneers and visionaries" - Columbla [4]

The check theme is cheesy. It sounds like a commercial. It is better not to just list the good qualities of the school. It is better to give some sentences that express why this school is better for YOU than other schools. It might not be best for everyone, but it is best for you because of your well-developed interests.

:-)

Undergraduate / "witty, impulsive, principled, and curious" -Stanford Short- bad form to use a joke? [7]

Its --missing an apostrophe.

If you use the joke, put " " marks around it. I was confused!
It's also worth nothing that I am extremely handsome ("chiseled," to use a more specific word) and I would be willing, if pressed, to serve as the face of Stanford.

Awesome!

(A face that's chiseled of GRANITE.)"----- I still don't get it! Maybe it is better without this part.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Melismas, Syncopations, and Cadences" - Columbia Supplement Essay [8]


At this point, in the beginning, you could be more specific about what you expected based on what you heard. Instead of just saying these two words, which amount to "good," you could tell something about the specific ideas about what was special about it. This will help you lead the reader's thought process.

Oh, I see in the new version, you only include "satisfying," but that is not a specific as it could be. :-)

I like this: paintings painstakingly

The last line is wasted. It is just a generic, nice thing to say. You can use that last line to leave a distinct idea in the reader's mind.

Undergraduate / "The essential is only visible to the heart " supplement essay [3]

If it is plural, put the apostrophe after the s:
'leaving my parents' sphere of control' is a wee bit more appropriate.

I think you chose a great quote for the intro because it starts be mentioning a secret. Whenever the word secret is used, it gets people's attention! :-)

Undergraduate / "Hey, we don't ride horses to school." - My Personal Statement [3]

find me angry or ignoring anybody.

But there was one exception: my avoidance of Kaidi, my high school classmate, lasted for half a month.

I was fifteen that year. Not necessary

Capitalize: ...urge to jump in and say, "You know ...

Capitalization: Later when we talked about first impression, I said jokingly: "Well apparently

Because I believe that i If we all try to understand the others there will be no fights or wars in this world, and the world will become such a better place.

:-)

Undergraduate / "understanding and appreciation of the diversity of our world" - Colby Supplement [3]

I have a great idea for this! Look at how much stronger it is if I cut the unnecessary words from the intro:
...the first thing I considered as the most important aspect of any college is was the way it celebrates...

If you compare it to an addiction, you have to describe some kind of activity that you do over and over and cannot get enough of.

I recomment eight instead of 8.

should I say instead: There's no turning back for me", or "i can't turn back"?--I like it the way you wrote it, there's no turning back. Yet, it is a cliche. Also, you might find inspiration when you look at it later today, and you might think of an excellent thought you want to leave in the reader's mind, something better than "there's no turning back."

:-)

Undergraduate / "As an American Muslim I don't agree for some US policies" - unfair situation [3]

This essay gives strong evidence to show that bullying is happening. It also makes an important point: the actions of a few extremists do not represent the whole religion. How can we make this argument even better? One idea is to suggest methods for improving young people's understanding so that they overcome the ignorance. What is a good way to educate people?

You can write about that in the conclusion if you want to. :-)

Undergraduate / Discovery a math secret [4]

Great use of the word remorselessly! :-) I have never seen that one. And I like the way that single word personifies the X5.

I glued the joints again and scrutinized X5 from all directions . ...

This is great! I can tell you have an excellent personality, and I think the AO reader will appreciate the energy in this essay.

Undergraduate / "Homeless in Victoria" - Princeton Supplement [6]

We wandered along the streets for hours and finally ended up waiting for dawn inside a 24-hour bank.

Try adding another sentence to the end of that first paragraph. That will give you an opportunity to make it a thesis statement that clearly tells the reader's brain what the essay is about. Make it a sentence that expresses the concept behind the essay.

I like the concept!! I remember reading one person's explanation of what it means to look at something in a meditative way. I think it was Jon Kabat-Zin. He said to look at something in a meditative way is to look at it without judging it at all. :-)

Undergraduate / "my inherited traits and lived experiences" - WHY BROWN [6]

Grammar error: The last two years of my academic career has have been similar to that of a Brown student.

It's better not to end a sentence with a preposition:
...courses on topics I genuinely wanted to learn. I took an economics ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "the stiffness in cutting the cheese" - u of chicago supplement [5]

I like it at the end, but the beginning would be good, too. It is clever to put it at the end, but you have to leave some room afterward for some discussion. You should say the two people are represented by those who would have said, "Yes, it was my stomach," and those who would do what you did. It is only powerful to use humor like this IF you couple it with thoughtful discussion. You have to discuss the two types of people; otherwise it is just a story. Discuss them, and then somehow relate it to your college plans.

Also, use capitalization to begin dialogue:
Out of curiosity, a simple boy stammered, "Wait ...was, was that your stomach?" Yet what was I to respond? To promptly say "No . I farted," was pretty much off the list. I gave a nervous chuckle or two as everyone else erupted in laughs comically while that boy chuckled too and glanced around, looking almost as out of place as I was.

Inevitably, my friend later came to me and said, "You know, you didn't

Graduate / letter of recommendation for applying the master course of fire safety engineering [2]

for nearly six years, I firmly ...

...sincerely hope that I can participate in the project in September, 2011.

Public safety may be the greatest responsibility for structural engineers.

What is worse, In in high-rises there is a potential
...pursuing for over 4 four years. I would like to make a difference and face up to the challenge.

After graduated graduating from ABC which is consistently ranked in the top ten universities in engineering in China, I have sound theory foundation of building technology and mechanics. ---I changed one word in this sentence, but I also wanted to say it is a very impressive sentence and that your writing and plans are very, very impressive. In this sentence above, you can write, " After I graduated from," or "After graduating from..."

Graduate / The field of Power and Energy Systems, my SOP [3]

Exploring the state-of-the-art research done in my field of interest through by outstanding faculty members in Electrical & Computer Engineering program at Clarkson University, I am greatly inspired for about applying in this department to accomplish my aspiration ... If you refer to their research, you should say something about it to show that you really have been reading their research articles. What is the most recent article written by the prof whose work is most closely aligned with your interests? Show that you are already reading to catch up with the research being done.

to become a researcher ---You already are a researcher. I think you can have a goal that is more meaningful than to just "become" a particular kind of professional. Your goal should be to contribute to the field in a particular way.

hyphen: four-year

...and 'Switchgear and Protection' at senior level.

Okay, I apologize; as I continue to read, I see that you demonstrate that you have indeed been doing great work to catch up to the professionals in your the field of elect. power and energy systems. However, I still think you should cite some articles written by the professors teaching the courses you are so looking forward to.

Therefore, I am determined to pursue a research-oriented ...

...to become a successful, innovative professional and gives give assistance to accomplish my goals. The last line of the essay does not make sense very well. You should revise it and be very clear.

Even though I asked you to cite more research, as I continued to read I found that you actually did quite a good job. This is a strong essay! Good luck in your work!!! :-)

Undergraduate / Be an all-rounder mediaman--statement for Master of Communication and New Media [3]


Look at each part of the instructions. "Why you wish to study the program..." You need to talk more about the program. Show that you know a lot about what you are about to study in this program. You should also talk more about your career aspirations. I think the information about your background, GPA, and so forth is probably going to appear somewhere else in youar application, and maybe it is betternot to repeat it here. If possible, it will be great to use a memorable theme for this essay -- a theme associated with your number one aspiration.

Here is a small grammar correction, nothing too important:

My job covered almost all the costumer media which reshaped me into a mature and realistic media man.

I want to cross out a sentence that has a word that I think it not a real word (convincible), and also I think this sentence is not helpful. It just takes up space:

It is quite convincible that my adequate work experiences can make me get well-prepared for the new media market. I am eagerly looking forward to studying at your department. With your guidance, I will play a better role in China's new media industry.

Great ending! But I had to add an apostrophe and an s at the end of China. :-)

Undergraduate / scientists and poets; knowledge; direction - my personal statement for Ph.D program [8]

Here is a small change I would like to make, but the essay is not so awkward! :-)

One morning, in a remote town of Inner Mongolia in China, about a thousand years later after the famous ...

Oh, this is a very clever way to explain it! I like your idea... here is a small change you can make: Although my naïve venture out into the world was unsuccessful, it didn't discourage me; contrarily it galvanized me to explore the unknown in a more intelligent manner.

Awesome!

Undergraduate / "From France to India, or switching from Croissants to Masala" Common App' Essay [4]

I don't think it is necessary to specify "Germany" in that first line. The reader knows where Berlin is.

The first occurrence of the word that can be removed from the second line. Often, it is possible to improve a sentence by removing that word. :-)

I have had been living in...

I turned eighteen and got my French high school diploma seven months ago, ---This is overly complex... you write very well, so I'll give you high level writing criticism. I think I know the effect you are trying to get with this part, and I don't think you got it. Just look at it again and see if a brilliant revision comes to mind. Actually, i think this is a case where you get more power by simplifying and trimming away a detail:

I turned eighteen and got earned my French high school diploma seven months ago, ...
(and I added an action verb, too!) Do you see how it is better when it is not weighed down by the part about turning eighteen? That probably was a detail that hypnotized you in a cool way when you wrote it, so you kept it thinking you would share that experience with the reader, but actually the reader can't experience it the way you did. That's a frustrating lesson I guess all good writers learn. :-)

Today, I still wonder if it is the change toward diversity or diversity itself that is the most important, ---This is a part I don't understand very well. You could explain it a little more, I guess...

But really, I am just trying to give you some scrutiny. This essay is already very impressive. You think in a complex way! One good way to improve this, though, will be to add a memorable theme, a memorable phrase repeated at the beginning and also at the end.

Undergraduate / "different views and experiences about psychology" -Student Exchange SOP [4]

I strongly believe that a prominent college such as Lyon 2 will provide me with an exciting opportunity as well as more than credible experience in the field of Psychology.---I think this sentence is actually empty of meaning. It is too obvious, because you would not be applying if you did not feel that way. The important thing to do is show the reader that you have been reading about psych already and that you have a well-developed plan. I think you should revise this intro so that it includes a statement about the aspiration you are chasing, the specific difference you want to make in your chosen field.

Since then, have been torn...

deeper understanding of the cognitions, interpersonal relationships and environmental factors that guide and shape the human behaviour. ---This is what I am interested in. I think you should write more about the books and articles you have read, the types of psych that appeal to you, and ... show the reader that you are already studying and that in your reading you have developed a specific aspiration for the near future... some great splash you want to make in the world.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Stranger and Meursault" - Brown: a book that has influenced you [6]

You should reverse the order of these two sentences:
"Dude, he is just like you."
My friend snickered while sitting next to me in English class.

You did this twice: So class... ---Let's replace the second one with a different expression that means the same thing.

"Well, I guess what Camus is trying to convey to the reader is that..."---Why did you not reveal what you said about it? What you said about it can be what drives forward the meaning of this essay. It does not need to be what you actually said, but for the purpose of the essay it is important to paraphrase it and word it in a way that is like the climax of the whole essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Moving and how it affected me - common app essay [3]

As I start to read this, I love every sentence. Each time I think to criticize something, I have to stop because it flows along with a great quality... but when I get to the end of the first paragraph, it ends in a way that does not make a strong impression on my mind:

Unlike her former stay-at-home job, this job almost completely dominated my mom's time. I think it is best to add a thesis statement after this. Make it a sentence that tells the reader the main idea of the whole essay. Do that, and the whole thing will be more powerful and poignant.

I was accidentally placed in Calculus, a year ahead of my actual level, but caught up with the course in a few weeks. --This sounds like an excellent, fascinating theme for an essay. I would like it if you wrote more about it in this onr in some other essay. That is really impressive and interesting!!

Undergraduate / "Religion and Atheism" - Common App, significant experience [4]


Awesome, when I get to this part I am reflecting on how thoughtful and meaningful this is...

I realize that science and religion will constantly be against each other----Depends on your definition of religion. Some religion values empiricism.

This is a high quality essay, very good stuff.

I feel that you had trouble getting started, and once you got going it became great. I kind of want to kill these first few sentences:

I thought I was a pretty well-off man. Fourteen years old, I had the latest video games, the facade of financial security, transportation ... Korean church, where I took an active role and participated in many community events. And if you start with the sentence that comes next, it will be great!! Sometimes you have to trim the intro.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Why tufts?", "Child of two cultures", "What?Where?When?" - Tufts Supplement [2]

This is weak:
Diversity, I think, is ... ---Don't write like stop and go traffic.

communication networks and computer architecture---This is the really important stuff. If you want to talk about diversity, talk about how it affects these fields. And how can Tufts empower you specifically in these fields?

I believe that 4 years at Tufts will not only expand my horizons, but it will also prepare me for the diverse world coming after it.---This sentence does not mean anything. You can revise in a way that makes it so that the sentence expresses your intentions to the reader. Just like a politician running for office, you have to say what you are going to do.

The second essay is awesome. I want to just make a small change:
My mother was the one who made me realize that despite the fact that I am different, it doesn't mean that I do not have to respond those people with the same feelings.

:-)