Writing Feedback / People's life expectancy is getting longer and longer due to many external factors [6]


- Shon, your introduction is weak. When you say that life expectancy is prolonged by foods, you should give an idea as to what kind of food you are talking about. Remember, the introduction is the overview of the content of your discussion. Use it wisely and give a proper introduction to the topics you will be discussing.


- If you must discuss food, do it from the modern point of view pertaining to the abundance of health foods and the consciousness of people regarding the health effects of various foods that they consume. Explain how the healthy eating habits of people have helped to improve life expectancy in the process.


- It is not medicine but scientific research that has helped prolong life. It is the medical treatments available, the technology used, and the medicines prescribed to patients that have helped to further prolong life. Discuss the scientific aspect using those life prolonging contributions.


- Remember the rules, no new ideas can be presented in the conclusion. You constantly make this mistake. You need to be conscious of your conclusion and know how to close it properly. Stop presenting new ideas at the end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / 'The definition of the word globalization' - Introductory Paragraph for Essay on Globalization [5]

Tamara, the introductory paragraph is quite interesting int he sense that it seems to present an idea of globalization from your point of view. In my opinion though, I feel that the introductory statement would have been better strengthened if you had given a series of definitions about the term since you already said that it is defined differently depending upon the point of view of a person. The immediate reaction to that statement would be to present a few definitions of the word based upon the various points of view of the people. Then you can present your personal definition using the beverage example that you presented in the latter part of the paragraph. By doing that, you will be able to present a solid introductory statement that gives the reader an idea of what the essay prompt is about and what possible topics will be discussed later on in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Technology is the tool that reinforce people to get numerous knowledge overnight [8]

Shon, it will certainly boost your essay score because it will show that you are comfortable with the English language, since you did not use those common filler words, and you are confident in your knowledge of the prompt provided. By always answering the essay in a direct manner, you show an authority over the use of the written language. Using those filler words are equivalent to saying "Uhm..." in the spoken English language. Those words are used by people who are trying to delay what they want to say because they either have nothing to say or they know that their reasoning is weak. The use of those words also change the tone of the essay from academic to confrontation in certain instances (depending upon the topic being discussed) which is why I always ask that it be omitted in essay writing as much as possible. Those words are also used to just fill the page, it adds to your word count when you are uncertain about your discussion and deducts important word count when you are absolutely confident about your discussion. Do you understand what I am trying to point out? Feel free to ask more questions if you have any. I am more than happy to answer them for you :-)

Letters / 'I was one of his master thesis defense committee member' - Letter of recommendation [4]


- Wayne, I mean exactly what I wrote, masteral degree. It is the correct term for a student taking up masters studies. Look it up :-) However, I noticed that this is for a PhD enrollment already so the term should not be masteral but instead Doctoral. So the sentence should read "He will make an excellent addition to your doctorate student roster." instead. Dcotorate is the correct term for a person taking up doctoral or PhD studies.


- Do not provide information in your recommendation that the student should be presenting himself in his application essays. Just talk about him in general terms. That is all that is required from you.


- Sentence about his academic papers being published should not be in a parenthesis. This is a major part of his quality as a student and should be highlighted instead of an afterthought. Take out the parenthesis and discuss and overview of the topic he discussed in the published work and why it impressed you.

Undergraduate / Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas [17]

Do I think this essay is ok? Not really since I asked you to flip around the paragraphs in an effort to better suit the prompt but you decided not to do that. I feel that my suggestion makes it better but since you have your own opinion, which can over ride my own, I will accept this essay as ready in its current form. This is what you are comfortable with so you should go with it. I can only offer an opinion and you can take it or leave it. If you are satisfied with this version and you feel sure that it meets the prompt requirements then use it. It is not my job to force you to use the version I am suggesting. Neither should I insist that you change your writing style from what you are comfortable with. This is the version you are comfortable with. Therefore, this is the version that you should submit regardless of what I think. The final decision is yours to make. This is your paper after all. I am only here to review and advice you :-)

Undergraduate / I failed... but at least next year's team will get the chance to succeed where I haven't. [4]

Danah, this is a good essay that is only dimmed by the imbalance between the story of failure and the lessons you learned. Your essay would be greatly helped if you could find a way to lessen the story of the failure, say cutting it down to only half the page so that you can use the remaining half of the page to discuss the lessons that you learned from what happened. This is a very good story to tell, unfortunately, the lessons that you learned went under developed and almost seems like a mere after thought. The lessons that you learned should share the spotlight with the failure that you incurred. You don't need to be very detailed about the failures if you cannot be as detailed in discussing the lessons from each failure. All the essay needs to properly work is balance. Balance the negative (failure) with the positive (lessons learned) in order to effectively show that you were learning an important lesson with every failure that came your way. Once you manage to do that, the essay will not only be balanced, but also offer a deeper insight into how the failure helped you develop as a person :-)

Undergraduate / I always enjoyed the fashion world since I was a little girl. Fashion runs in my family. [6]

Erika, I will be posting a whittled down version of your essay that makes it tighter and closer to prompt adherence. This is going to be the version that you can play around with and revise to better suit your needs. Here it goes :-)

I'm coming from a multicultural family with German - Chilean background.
I always enjoyed the fashion world since I was a little girl. Fashion runs in my family.
My grandparents had their own business as dressmakers in Chile, they worked day and night to make beautiful tailored clothes for their costumers .Since I was little I used to play with my grandmother's sawing machine she inherited from her grandmother , she taught me how to sew and how to make clothes for my dolls.

When I was 10 years old I moved with my parents to Germany. In Germany I never had the opportunity or money to go into fashion school .I thought a job in the fashion industry was something that I could never reach. I kept fashion as my hobby, like an illusion , an unreachable dream.

After I finished school I decided to take a break from studying to start working like all my family did. In September 2010 I came to New York City for three months. The main reason was to find myself, to take a break from my life in Germany and think about what I want to do with my life .

Soon I found myself dreaming again ,that is exactly what this city does to you , it allows you to dream and to pursue your dreams.One day I walked around fashion avenue until I was standing right in front of FIT, knowing about your fashion school reputation I imidiately started to fantasize that one day I could attend this amazing school.

Back at home it only took me a few months after I decided to finally move to New York City to follow my dreams. I felt this was meant to happen to me. Since moving to New York City I have been pursuing and accomplished every single step I needed to apply to FIT.

I would love to assist to the school of Business and Technology, therefor I choose Production Management: Fashion and related Industries. One of the many reasons I felt in love with this mayor is because it reflects my dream job in every single aspect.

I have a fascination with how things are made and I always find myself looking for ways to know how products come alive , I never give up searching for answers.

I'm interested in how products are manufactured , I want to understand the entire process of making a product. I'm inspired by the transformation, the development of ideas and resources.

For the past 3 years I have been working full-time ,going to school, and also finding ways and time to educate myself in fashion by reading books, magazines, visiting galleries and museums, watching videos, sawing, knitting, and experimenting on my own .

I strongly believe that Fashion Institute Of Technology is the best place to get a degree in Fashion and provides the best Production Management: fashion and related industries program .

This version comes in at 491 words. I want you to review this essay. I removed the portions that are unimportant to your application in order to provide you with more room to develop other aspects of your essay. Which aspects should you improve? Your review of the essay should show you the portions you would want to improve or expand upon. I can't tell you which portions that should be. Take your time in revising the essay. We have time to polish it :-) No rush necessary.

Undergraduate / I always enjoyed the fashion world since I was a little girl. Fashion runs in my family. [6]

Erika, I can see the essay now. Where is the prompt or essay question you are trying to answer? I need to know what you are being asked so that I can tell if you are properly answering the prompt or not. Kindly supply it as soon as possible in the meantime, I will give you an overview of the essay. These are preliminary comments that will not affect the overall essay but need to be addressed in order to improve the essay just the same.

The first problem of your essay is that you are providing too much information that do not necessarily relate to each other as answers. I will be able to pick out which portions are actually necessary for your essay once you provide the prompt. Right now, we are going from a personal statement, to a statement of purpose, to an idea of how the school will be able to help you, all in one, long essay. Not all essays need to be this informative. Some of this information can be used in other common app essays that will accompany your application. So right now, we need to decide which portions to retain and which to delete, based upon the essay prompt from FIT.

I will reserve the rest of my comments and suggestions regarding grammar and content until after I have a clear idea of what we are dealing with in relation to the theme of the essay. I hope to read the prompt soon. I will try to get back to you as soon as I can :-) This is an excellent effort though. It just needs to be adjusted and tweaked in order to make it work better as an academic essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Technology is the tool that reinforce people to get numerous knowledge overnight [8]

Shon, I found some problems with the essay that need to be addressed. Let's see if we can get this more polished shall we? :-)


-... to students education .


- Learning through technology is the ideal...



- Teachers now have to worry ...



- The learning process...



-... more than just the basics ...


- By using technologies...

Shon, I have decided to let your writing style remain in order to help you understand why you need to improve your writing abilities. I hope you take note of the corrections I mentioned while you are revising this essay :-) You are showing some improvement already so keep it up :-)

Undergraduate / I always enjoyed the fashion world since I was a little girl. Fashion runs in my family. [6]

Erika, I can sense your anxiety and strong desire to receive help. However, you forgot to upload the essay so I won't be able to help you just yet. Once you post the essay we can get started. Remember to post the essay prompt / question along with your essay so we can accurately review the content of the essay in terms of your response and other concerns. Don't be afraid. We are here to help you out. Be it with grammatical problems, sentence structures, word count problems, or even just the polishing of the content, we will make sure to assist you until you feel confident enough to submit your paper. Remember you do the writing, we do the helping :-) By working together, you should be able to accurately meet the essay requirements of the university :-) So please, upload the essay so we can get started with helping you calm your nerves :-)

Undergraduate / "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail"? Common App Questions for VCU [6]

Yes, I think I found a portion of the essay that we can replace instead. I believe we can do away with the following portion:


The reason that I chose this paragraph in particular is because I want you to concentrate on proving how the comment about you not being able to enter college became the catalyst for change in your life. You can explain how that statement inspired you to prove your detractors wrong and push yourself to achieve more than people who belittled you said you could achieve. Do you think that would work for you?

Undergraduate / I always had an affinity for animals, and I was often called the animal/pet whisperer by my parents [3]


- Amani, this should be your first paragraph because it represents the familiarity that you have with UW-Madison and immediately addresses the question of the prompt pertaining to what part of the academic and extra curricular offerings you will be taking advantage of. Once you have presented this, you can follow up the next paragraph with the following:


Then you can close the essay quite strongly with the following paragraph:


This is a very strong essay that offers a concise answer to the prompt. You just need to make a few adjustments in order to make it flow better :-) I hope my suggestions help.

Undergraduate / Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas [17]

Prabitha, I understand your apprehension and agree with you. At this point the essay should make you feel comfortable when you read it. You have the final say when it comes to the final look, feel, and content of the essay. If you feel that this version of the essay is something you approve of and you feel that it best represents you as a person in written form, then go ahead and use it. It already answers the essay prompt in a way so as long as you are accepting of the content of the essay, then it is as ready as it can be. There is no way of assuring the way an essay will be accepted by the admissions officer. Just be confident that you have done your best and let the cards fall where they may after you have submitted it for consideration :-) Good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / Discipline; At the time, I was unaware of my father's drug and alcohol addiction - UC Prompt #2 [7]

Genesis, the essay is much better now. However, we are still posed with problems regarding your second and third paragraphs. We need to connect each paragraph with your thesis which is the life experiences you had taught you all about the importance of self-discipline. We need to highlight that aspect in every paragraph by offering a self - discipline learning experience on your part. Do you think you can come up with something along those lines to help the essay along? The rest of the essay actually works fine. Don't worry about the word count if there is one, we can work on bringing that down later on. Right now, I would like to concentrate on helping you create a seamless connection between your life experiences and the development of your self-discipline as an important aspect of your personality :-)

Undergraduate / Neurodegenerative disease and its impact on a person - Washington and Lee Essay [4]

Lauren, I just noticed some grammar problems with the essay you probably committed in the rush to revise the essay. Please note those below :-)


- the closer we can come to ...


- I will hold seminars...

Undergraduate / Growing up with an orphan - background or story vs identity essay [7]

Saiara, I brought it down to 621 words and included some grammar revisions already. Let me know if this works for you or if you have any questions :-)

My cousin Raiyan and I were six years old when his father passed away. I was left at Raiyan's house with strict instructions to not tell him what was happening.Two days had gone by with all of us keeping Raiyan in the dark. The absence of his father was making him grow more and more anxious until he finally started lashing out. Unable to obtain answers from the adults, he looked towards me in desperation and asked, "You won't lie to me. Please, where is he?" I decided to do what I thought was right and responded, "I'm very sorry Raiyan, but he isn't coming back." I was moved to another room immediately as he began crying uncontrollably. A sea of guilt swept over me.

That was the day I took it upon myself to do whatever it took to make Raiyan's life easier. I realized the need to develop a sense of maturity and empathy. I tried to be the best friend I could be to him, ensuring he had someone to play with whenever he felt alone. I learned to tolerate his random fits and to calm him down. I taught myself ways to keep him distracted while his mother left for work. We bonded over puzzles, books and a daily game of pretend, where we embarked on imaginary adventures as scientists, astronauts, or racecar drivers.

Keeping my promise became difficult by the time we became teenagers. As I got more occupied with school and new friends, Raiyan fell victim to obesity and bullying. His frustration made his grades fall. Watching him suffer made me feel helpless. Defending him on every occasion was neither possible for me, nor preferred by him. For a while, there was nothing I could do other than encouraging him to just be patient.

Things started to change for the better when I sparked his interest in doing extracurricular activities with me. I challenged myself to participate in as many vigorous pursuits as possible in order to have him do so as well. I joined the football team and convinced him to join the basketball team. I joined the community service club in an effort to start campaigns against bullying; he joined the business club to improve his interactive skills. We introduced each other to our friends and made time to study together. As I watched him become healthier and happier, I noticed myself feeling more content and optimistic.

It was only a few months ago when he paid me a random visit to say, "You may not remember this, but the day my father died, you were the only person who chose to be honest to me. I'm glad it was you who broke it to me."

Although his words were meant to give me closure, I still don't know whether what I did that day was right or wrong. However, seeing his accomplishments today, I am no longer bothered. He is now a shining example for hope and hard work among his peers, being the best student in his class and having the biggest heart.

Experiencing the death of a loved one at an early age is an incomprehensible ordeal that can lead children to lose their way and make poor life choices. I am proud to say that that is not the case with Raiyan. The loss of my uncle did shape the people that he and I are today, but our efforts are equally responsible. Witnessing his positive transformation helped me form my own identity. Because of him, I have learned the significance of kindness and that I shouldn't be afraid of making my own choices. I only hope that I continue learning and sharing lessons like these in the future.

Graduate / 'I was always beaten' - my awards - Personal Statement for all applicants Essay [2]

Jennifer, you need to rework the essay to present the achievement that you got from the Law Academy and immediately explain why it is the most important award you received. It is important to answer the essay prompt as fast as possible because the admissions officer does not have a lot of time to read papers and he will base his interest in reading the rest of your paper upon your first paragraph. So make it interesting by providing the answer at once. After your provide the answer, you can work backwards and explain the basis for the importance of this award to you and how it relates to the person you are.

Undergraduate / "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail"? Common App Questions for VCU [6]

It may be a very rough first draft but it is definitely the way the you want this essay to portray you. This challenge that you posed is something that could have resulted in your being defeated and dropping out of high school. Instead you chose to use the statement of "fact" from that person as a challenge to prove him wrong. There is nothing I would change about the content of this essay. Even with grammatical errors, the essence of your success is there. The best thing that you can do for this essay is to develop it some more. Explain why you felt the need to take on the challenge posed by the statement and how it continues to drive you to succeed in life. Close the essay by indicating that you now feel vindicated and that you look forward to meeting the person who said you would not get to college so you can thank him for inspiring you to get into college. That should add a nice touch the ending of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Where I come from does not define who I am. I come from a loving home in Richmond, California [2]

Jennifer, the essay does not sound like it has already ended. There was no real sentence at the end to signify the end of the essay. I also have a piece of advice for you, don't spend so much time talking about your parents experience as illegal immigrants unless you can find a way to relate it to the life lessons that have helped shaped your ambitions and dreams for the future. The essay itself is not bad. It just needs to be edited for improvement. For example, that day at the courthouse, you said you witnessed your father become a terrified stranger. Expand upon that and the impact that experience had on you. How does it relate to your current dreams and ambitions? Also, you need to go further than just saying that your dreams and aspirations have been shaped by your parents struggle to put food on the table. Dig deeper into yourself. How did the life struggle of your parents truly impact your dreams and ambitions? How do you see yourself in the future owing your your parents and your past life experiences? Revise the essay and I will do my best to help you get it to answer the prompt requirements.

Graduate / I have always been so close-minded - University of San Francisco Essay - Jesuit Mission [7]


- Jennifer, you need to expand upon this sentence as a separate paragraph. While we know the reasons why you were close minded, we need to learn the reasons why you became open minded as well :-)


- I wish to be a part of...
- Word meaning: apart - to separate or divide , a part - to join in


- This is a very bad paragraph in the sense that you sound like a smart aleck who is trying to glide by on a nonsensical answer. Do not say you are not familiar with the Jesuit traditions. What you should be saying instead is that because of your exposure to various religions throughout life as a public school student, you feel that you will be able to bring more to the Jesuit tradition by taking all of the good parts of those various religions and applying it further to the traditions of the Jesuits. Thus showing an evolution in the positive impact of the Jesuit traditions in the 21st century.


- These paragraphs are not relevant to the prompt about the Jesuit tradition and should not be included in the essay. Never provide information in an essay that is not being asked for because it will lessen the impact of the paper and show that you do not understand the prompt totally or you do not care for the prompt they provided to you.

Graduate / My intellectual passion is in the computer sciences. Florida Tech Essay [2]

The essay you presented says a lot without actually answering the prompt. You were supposed to discuss how the facilities and opportunities offered by Florida Tech would be able to help you enhance your learning experience. The answer to the prompt needs to contain references to the various student programs, internships, mentor programs, and other learning avenues available to the students at Florida Tech. There were no references to such academic and hands on training programs in your essay. So you were not able to satisfy the prompt. I suggest that you do a little research about the university programs in relation to your major and use the results of that to rewrite your essay in a way that better adheres to the requirements of the essay. Since you mention that you have college credits, you should already have an idea as to what kind of academic and training programs will be required for your major. So look into those programs. Ask your professor for further advice if needed :-) He should be able to get you onto the right track with the revision. Ask him what kind of academic subjects and training programs would be relevant to your chosen major and go from there.

Writing Feedback / I'm more than meets the eye. I am unique. Describe yourself in 140 characters? [3]

Alexis, this is good but it can be better. Cut out the part where you say that growing up you thought you were average. Use the portion where you say that you realized that you were unique as you matured. Use the remaining characters to describe why you realized you were unique in the best way that you can. For example say "Growing up, I began to realize I was unique because I could do back flips when others could not." That is only an example, I did not mean to trivialize your uniqueness. I just wanted to give you an idea as to how to approach the statement within 140 characters :-) It is possible to give a complete description of yourself using the correct terms and within 140 characters.

Undergraduate / "if only I weren't blind..." - St. Mary college essay about transformative experience [4]

Kirin, your story should be admired. It touches a chord in the reader that should be able to help you gain consideration at the college of your choice for admission. I only adjusted the necessary parts and replcaed the words that needed to be replaced in order to improve the essay :-) Good luck with your application!


-... during the late morning... on the fifth of May in 2010, ... a couple of days after the doctors had... until that morning when it just...


- I had always set high standards for myself... and liked to work ... succeeding in voicing out... lowering my standards ... even more frustrated ...


- ... these necessary adjustments have helped...


- ... blindness taught me to be... problems I faced stemmed from being... I would not be this stressed ... I have trained myself ...

Undergraduate / There is nothing that I want more than to follow my dreams of being a retail buyer - FIDM Essay [4]

Maya, here is the thing, the essay prompt provides you with 4 specific questions to answer via discussion in your application essay. Instead, your essay reads like a high school research paper. You need to simply address the questions being asked in the most direct method possible. There is no need to discuss any of your other interests and activities that are not related to the question. Those kinds of information will not help make the essay remarkable or memorable to the admissions officer. If you will just answer the questions they provided, you will end up with a tight, informative, and interesting essay that will provide only the information that the admissions officer requires you to present in this essay app. Try to write a new version of the essay that answers the questions only. Nothing more, nothing less. You need to stay as close to the prompt requirements as possible in order to ensure that the admissions officer will finish reading your essay instead of simply setting it aside because your answer is not what they expected to read based upon the prompt provided. Don't worry, we will help you with the revision of the essay. You just have to write it first so that we can review it for content and prompt adherence :-)

Writing Feedback / Topic: Causes Reducing the amount of book-reading "READING-CULTURE WHETHER IT STILL EXISTS" [4]

Thien, it is important that you learn how to outline your essay before you write the draft. The outline will help you clean up your discussion and give it a tighter direction regarding the discussion. By using an outline, you will be able to think of the proper thesis statement and then list down the topics that you want to discuss in relation to it. By listing down everything that you will cover in the essay, you will also be able to discover which topics are unnecessary and which topics can either be shortened or eliminated from the essay. Since you developed the essay in this manner, you will also be able to envision the conclusion for your essay. Remember, you need to keep your discussion interesting but short. So the outline will definitely help you achieve that. I have found that by using an outline, I am able to better discuss the essays that I write. Try it out. It might work for you. By the way, don't be afraid to ask questions, I'll be glad to answer your concerns and help you out in any way that I can :-)

Undergraduate / What does your Oberlin look like? - Supplemental Essay for Oberlin College [5]

This essay is asking you to envision the kind of college that you want to attend. In this case, you should explain what Oberlin should be like if you were the one who created the university. In other words, you need to explain how the university would function if you were the one in charge of it. You could discuss something about the size of classes, extra curricular activities, or student community in relation to the way you envision Oberlin as a learning and social community. Think of it this way, look at the positive aspects of Oberlin that attracted you to the university in the first place. Now, think about how you can further improve the university experience. Those ideas are what will be the answer to the essay prompt for you :-)

Writing Feedback / Technology is the tool that reinforce people to get numerous knowledge overnight [8]

Shon, there is actually another way to write this essay in a much simpler manner. Simply agree with the statement and then reinforce your stance by using the current learning methods of students. Explain how technology has leveled the learning field between teachers and students. These days, information is merely a Google search away for students so the teachers need to always be on their toes and try to always know more than the students. Technology is the tool by which students have managed to become as learned as their teachers in almost all aspects of learning. You can also explain that students learn more quickly with the help of technology because they are allowed to learn their lessons using a method of learning that they are comfortable with. Learning using technology has made learning a fun activity. The internet has videos, games, and interactive chat rooms where people who wish to talk about a certain topic can gather and learn more than just the fundamentals of a topic. Try to discuss the essay from that point of view using the evidence I suggested and it should make the essay work better :-)

Undergraduate / Discipline; At the time, I was unaware of my father's drug and alcohol addiction - UC Prompt #2 [7]

Genesis, the essay actually answers the prompt. The problem is that you have it set up in a reverse discussion. Here is what I think you should do to make the essay work for you in the format that you need. Bring up the statement where you say that you learned about the importance of discipline. After you bring up those related paragraphs, we can explain the back story as your father's addiction causing this discovery on your part. That will make the essay look like it is all about you and what you learned and why you are proud of this accomplishment. Currently, the essay spends too much time dwelling on your father and his addiction and how he used it to control you. By reversing the format, the essay becomes more about you than him. Can you do the essay in the way that I explained it to you and post it here? That way we can see how the essay looks and feels and we can help you adjust it to suit the essay some more :-)

Essays / Need Help on Essay Topic ( Chinese Revolution / Mao Zedong) [5]

When you outline this essay, I suggest that you concentrate on the Cultural Revolution of Mao Zedong and discuss the reasons behind its failure. Discuss his ascension to power through the party and the reasons why he thought the cultural revolution was important as a tool for retraining the people of China in the communist ways. Present the reasons that the program failed and instead resulted in the numerous deaths and failed attempts at disciplining the Chinese people at the time. Then move on to the current point of view about the cultural revolution and the image of Mao. Concentrate on the collective opinion that he caused the biggest failure in Chinese history and present new found evidence to help support your claims. These should serve well to help you create an outline for the topics you want to discuss in the essay.

Undergraduate / My volunteer activity at a Korean-Japanese museum in Tokyo - UIUC ESSAY [2]

While this a good essay, it deviates a bit from the essay prompt. It is my belief that you will better answer the essay and also lessen your word count if, rather than discussing the work that you did at the museum, you instead discussed how working at the museum help you reconnect with your Korean roots and taught you some things about your heritage that you would not learn from school, history lessons, or your family members. That way you truly present a unique experience that helps the admissions officer to get to know you better as an individual. After all, the job at the museum is interesting, but your connection to the job and why it proved to be high interest and value to you is more important than the work that you did as a tourist guide at the museum :-)

Scholarship / My financial situation. Sometimes I need to send some money to support my parents. [3]

Wenwen, constantly complaining about your financial woes in your scholarship essay is not the way to win a scholarship. You say nothing in your scholarship about your academic achievements (if any) or any future plans for your self improvement. Rather, you spend the whole essay bemoaning your financial situation. You are married to a marine who is in debt. You sometimes send money to support your parents in China, guess what, those are not valid reasons to win a scholarship. You work for minimum wage or less than minimum wage and get treated badly. You mention that your job as a cook is too toilsome. You complain too much in your essay and never say anything about your work ethic. You want to win a scholarship? Prove that you are a hard worker who will stop at nothing to gain a college degree. The scholarship members do not care about your work experience and how much you get paid or how you are treated. They do not care if you find the work hard to do. . What matters to them is if you meet the qualifications they have set up for a scholar under their foundation. You need to present academic and socio-civic accomplishments that will make them think that you are a bright person with a potential for a good future who just needs a break academically. Remember, you are competing against other potential scholars with a thousand times more credentials than you. This is a useless scholarship essay. It does nothing to help your case. You should rethink the content of the essay and write a new one that is more aligned with the scholarship requirements. You definitely cannot and should not use your current essay. It does nothing to help your case.

Undergraduate / "We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us" - Every goal in life is determined by the actions [2]

I have now thoroughly read your essay and I have to say that you did not answer the essay prompt at all. You are supposed to respond to the question by relating your activities to your chosen major. Explain how your activities have helped to prepare you for the academic demands of your course. Instead, you are telling us stories about your activities and what you do there. Without relating it to your college prep work at all. You need to make the connection and discuss it within the essay. At the moment, your essay is disconnected from the prompt because, even though you talk about what you learned during your participation in these activities, you have not told us how these activities have prepared you for the various facets of your academic career. For example, when you tell us that tennis is an elegant and rigorous sport that demands complex abilities. Relate that to the way that architecture demands you to create geometric shapes and angles, similar to those created by a tennis serve or movement, then turning it into a reality as a complex and admirable building. Or something along those lines. Responses such as those are what this essay prompt requires as answers.

Letters / 'I was one of his master thesis defense committee member' - Letter of recommendation [4]

Hi, I tweaked your essay and came up with the following adjustments. I hope it meets your needs.

I highly recommend XXX as a candidate for the PhD program of your esteemed institution. Having worked with him over the past 2 years in my capacity as his professor, Vice-Chairman of the Graduate Institute of Photonics and Optoelectronics and master thesis defense committee member, I can assure you that he will make an excellent addition to your masteral study student roster.

XXX has the ability to work independently or collaboratively on design experiments. Providing valuable assistance and advice whenever needed. HIs abilities have, in my opinion, surpassed his peers and allowed him to develop at a far rapid pace intellectually as evidenced by his exemplary master thesis defense.

XXX possesses an eye for research and presentation skills. Pointing out certain aspects of projects during his thesis defense that one would not normally consider to be important or valuable as a result of his observation and experimentations. I admire him most for his eye for detail and accuracy in responses to questions posed before him.

XXX is a rare student whose ability to publish 2 academic papers in one year has offered him a brighter future in his chosen field. His combination of intelligence, commitment, perseverance and enthusiastic character will certainly make him a valuable member of the Ph.D program in your school. I encourage you to look favorably upon his application.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Causes Reducing the amount of book-reading "READING-CULTURE WHETHER IT STILL EXISTS" [4]

Thien, you have a tremendous volume of information this essay. While that is a good aspect of your essay, unless we know what the exact prompt is, it will be difficult for us to advice you about the proper content or topic related concerns of your essay draft. The essay in its current form contains too much information that ends up cluttering the page. I am sure that you have a prompt for this essay. Once you share it with us, we will be able to help you edit the essay and make it easier to read. We will most likely have to edit the information you presented in the essay once we learn what the topic you are supposed to answer is. Don't worry, we are here to help. So expect us to give you additional advice and instructions once we know what we are dealing with at this moment :-)

Undergraduate / The brief of Carnaval - Process analysis essay [3]

You have written a very creative descriptive essay for the carnival. That shows creativity on your part but it does not answer the needs of the prompt. You were supposed to write a process analysis essay. That is not what you wrote. A process analysis essay is all about directions. If you use the carnival as the topic for this essay, you should provide us with information about how the carnival works. How does it happen? What are the chronological steps that need to happen in order to mount the carnival? Giving us a descriptive essay that falls under these criteria, you will have written a process analysis essay. That said, I suggest that you revise the essay to reflect the expected answers in the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / What does your Oberlin look like? - Supplemental Essay for Oberlin College [5]

Actually, your essay does not answer the prompt. You provided the information that you discovered through research about the university. What the prompt is asking you to describe is your idea of the Oberlin academic and social community. You should respond to the essay by imagining your life at Oberlin and how you believe you will be functioning as a student and member of the community. What does your Oberlin look like? Imagine if you will, how the university would look if you were to envision your own version of the university. What would compose the academic and social setting? How would such a setting help you succeed at the university? Don't answer the prompt with results of your research or your understanding of what the Oberlin academic and social community is like. Be creative, develop your own university using the commonly known information about the school but put a spin on it in order to make it creative and interesting. Once you accomplish that, you will have properly delivered a response to the essay prompt :-)

Writing Feedback / Write an essay that either supports or opposes the use of cell phones. [7]

I cleaned up your essay and brought it down to a 6 sentence count. I hope it works for you :-)

- I believe that cellphones have many positive uses that we all benefit from. First of all, it contains all of the applications that we need in order to function in daily life. Everything from the calendar of activities to our most frequently called numbers are contained in this palm sized device. It is our still and video camera, and houses hours of our unforgettable memories for instant reference. It is our computer when our tablet and laptops fail us. It keeps us better connected with one another in our digital world and ensures the continuation of our smooth social and family relationships because of its ability to help us communicate in multimedia forms with one another.

Graduate / I plan to specialize in operating systems [2]

Evan, what is the prompt you are trying to answer with this paper? It has an overload of information and because of that, does not really have a central theme or topic to represent the essence of the essay. Please gie us an idea of what direction this essay should be headed in by posting the prompt. Without that, we will be unable to help you. Overall though, I believe that we will need to help you sort out the information contained in this paper because of the varied topics indicated. We should only retain whichever parts will help respond to the essay prompt of the school you are applying to. Let us know if this is for a common app, personal statement, or central identity paper. That information will also help us determine the path for editing. Will this be a general essay to be submitted to multiple universities? Give us a nudge in the right direction buddy. We'd love to help you out :-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement, The Whistler Trip - Undergraduate [2]

Darin, it will be easier for us to help you meet the word count if we knew what the question you are trying to answer is. Kindly provide us with the essay prompt as soon as possible so that we can help you with that. Having read the essay, I can give you an overview comment of your work. So far, the essay has a homey, comfortable feel to it that is trying to draw us into the weekend that you had. The dialogue that you provided may or may not be necessary to provide information, depending upon what the prompt is. There is room to remove certain filler sentences and words which can help you bring down the word count. Like I said, we can't really advise you about how to cut the words down without the prompt. However, that has not affected the effectiveness of your essay. It is better to have a long essay and have to cut it down rather than having a short essay. A short essay means you will have to write more words to meet the word count or the essay doesn't meet the prompt. I believe, without knowing the prompt, that you have somehow met it. Again, I will reserve my final comments and suggestions until after I know what the prompt is :-)

Graduate / As a child I loved to tear things apart - International Dental Program SOP [8]

Daisy, the introduction definitely has an interesting hook to it. I would advice you to add to the part about coming to realize that Dentistry is an art form though. Try to relate it to your interest in tearing things apart and putting it back together. Describe the way say, a cavity was filled by taking apart the tooth (drilling it) in order to make the hole bigger and remove the decayed portions of the tooth. Then let us know how amazed your were at the sight of seeing the cavity filled and having the laser light applied so that the cavity looked like it was never there. Or something along those lines :-) The reason I am asking you to add this is because it ties in directly with your interest in taking things apart and putting things back together again. Which is something that happens each time a tooth cavity is filled :-) I hope my suggestion works for you :-)