Undergraduate / "nothing is more important than my family's reunion" - Main Essay about my family [5]

It is really a brilliant essay. I have one word I want to change:
but the most impressing impressive one.

This was inspired when it was written, but the energy of inspiration is not in that additional paragraph. It does not fit, anyway, because the last paragraph begins with "I do not care how they resolve the dispute..." so it does not work if you add that paragraph that is 2 years in the future.

I like your writing, but I really think the essay does not need that para added before the last para.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Chess like war" - describe an intellectual or creative interest of yours. [6]

Despite the nerdy stereotype of the game, I discovered that chess has a war-like feel, and fell in love with the game.--I know what you mean!! You can remove the 2nd comma in this sentence.

Despite the nerdy stereotype of the game, I discovered that chess has a war-like feel and fell in love with the game.
or
Despite the nerdy stereotype of the game, I discovered that chess has a war-like feel, and I fell in love with the game.---Only use a comma if you use "I," which makes it a compound sentence.

You did a great job here... what a clever approach to talking about chess! I refused to believe that the pieces, my men soldiers, were killed. ---- let's make it gender inclusive... there is a queen!

Thanks, I enjoyed this, and I will think of it next time I play chess.

Writing Feedback / How to phrase or start an essay to highlight network license? [2]

Hi Lee, I moved your post to its own thread. Please start a new thread when you ask a question. :-)

So you want to write the essay in a way that highlights the fact that you have a Cisco Network License?

At the start of the essay, you could do something like this:
The most important achievement of my education occurred on October 10, 2010, when I was awarded my Cisco Network Certificate.

You can highlight this fact by putting it at the beginning of a paragraph or even at the beginning of the whole essay. The way to highlight it is to put it in the right place in the essay.

Why do you want to highlight the certificate instead of some other accomplishment?

:-)

Undergraduate / "the names of American universities being uttered; global" - Why Northwestern? [3]

I have a belief that Engineering is vital to the evolvement evolution of modernday technology and the basis of life. The world word "engineer" is rooted fro m the Latin word ingenium, meaning cleverness, verifying that it was not an occupation for just everyday people.

...home of one of the countries country's finest engineering schools. I would be allowed to follow and listen to the teachings of ...

Probably the most unique aspect of the McCormick School of Engineering is its integration with current day situations and involvement in contemporary issues. I don't like this sentence, because I am pretty sure it is not true. It is not unique to involve higher education with practical, real world efforts. Maybe you just need to change "unique" to some other word, like "appealing."

:-)

Undergraduate / "the inspiring book called The Last Lecture" - Application Essay : DigiPen [4]

I have not been a big fan of sports.

The games , however, got bored boring as we played them again and again. So we had to invent more rules make it alive interesting. At the end the simple game Hide And Sick Seek became a rocket science.

I just want to make something that everyone can enjoy. ---nice!!

This is inspirational, and it makes the reader feel a sense of admiration for you because of your creativity and positive attitude.

Undergraduate / It is better to be cooperative that it is to be competitive. [5]

Furthermore, in the modern day world, the urge to remain competitive has had a detrimental effect on the attitudes of people who are exerting themselves too much, or even employing all the fair and foul means for attaining the success, often quoting and maligning the saying, "The ends

Wow, heck of a sentence here!----> It may however be argued, and not entirely without reason, that there are places and situations where one has to harness his inner capabilities to utmost, or there could be instances where being cooperative is not a choice and is simply a manifestation of gullibility and lack of vigor and stamina. ---that is one very impressive sentence, ha ha, I am your biggest fan.

I agree! Cooperation is better than competition. Both are fundamental to human activity, though, and they are like 2 sides of a coin.

Undergraduate / "a career path in psychiatry" - UPenn -What do i plan on exploring at Penn? [5]


What evidence can you provide to support this assertion? Is it just because that is what representatives of the school say? What is an example of a policy difference that somehow creates this noncompetitive environment?

Here is a sentence that I think you should take out:
In my mind, research is just as pertinent to an academic subject as the course itself. It does not really express an original idea... it is a little too obvious.

Google this: paragraph topic sentence
Each para should begin with a topic sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraph.

:-)

Scholarship / "I must collect my savings" - Short and long-term goals Essay [3]

Through the contributions of remarkable men and woman, numerous medical discoveries have been made over the precedent decades at a swift rate. in recent decades.---I changed this to avoid awkwardness.

In 1981, a vaccine for hepatitis B was founded found. One decade later, a vaccine for hepatitis A was founded found.

Use a hyphen for both:
Long-term and short-term

:-)

Undergraduate / "an opportunity to talk to the devil" - intellectual vitality [8]

Initially I must clarify I am not a satanic individual and I do not believe in inflicting beliefs on other people, everybody is entitled to their own opinions and faith. ----You say 2 things in this sentence, and they are unrelated. I think maybe this sentence should be omitted. The disclaimer distracts attention away from the point of the essay.

In today's day and age with nuclear proliferation, wars, terrorism, economic crises; everybody is in search of God. Everybody was beofre this day and age, anyway...

But has anyone really wondered that if a Satan existed and what he would say about...

...far greater than...

This essay tries to express more meaning than can be expressed in a short space like this. It has a lot of potential, but I think you should choose ONE of the themes you use and focus on it. Eliminate distractions, and focus on one of the ideas you are sharing.

:-)

Undergraduate / Gap year, WWOOF, school transfer - CommonApp answers [4]

I spent four months with him after my graduation and returned to Moscow to take my remaining exams.---I removed a comma, too.

I'm going to return to Siberia and spend another 6 six months there after sending my applications.

Because I started preparing for college at the beginning of my senior class, it was practically impossible to combine schooling and college preparation, take 5 five admission tests, and meet the deadline.

My decision to take a year off also gives me the opportunity to get some real world work experience at (say something specific about what you will do), where I will be able to...

:-)

Undergraduate / "You're not dying" - My curiosity -- Common App Essay [5]

Use a comma in a compound sentence:
I do not strive to limit myself to do only what others consider acceptable or sensible, and I am not easily discouraged.


Well, it is not necessary to focus much on the grandmother in this essay. It is great the way it is. Gnozi probably suggested elaborating on that part just because it is such an interesting part!! How strange it is to think of a little girls challenging her grandmother to prove that she (the little girl) is not dying. Weird!!

This essay has a lot of good qualities. It has that energy of inspiration...

Undergraduate / "People judge you based on what they want you to be" - experience Common App [3]

They based their judgments off of on who my friends were and the sports I played.

This is a powerful essay! I am grateful that you posted it, because I think it will make a lot of other people feel better about their own potential. You wrote this in a way that captures a powerful feeling of frustration, but you also express powerful determination.

To give it a little more detail, I think you might want to tell about how this experience affects you. Certainly, you will not do to others what was done to you... you will not judge people prematurely. But is there something more? You mention the "person you are striving to become," so maybe you could tell the reader how this experience of being prematurely judged affects the development of the personality of that person you are striving to become.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'So, tell me about this company you want to start,' - achievement/experience/risk [5]

...chapter one of a great book; August the thirtieth.---This part confuses me! At the end of the first paragraph, I do not know what Augues the thirtieth refers to...

Here is one other idea... I'll change one word:
had literally built it from nothing into an award winning bank.

:-) Great ending, and great choice of topic. I just think you need another sentence in that intro so that I am not so confused at the end of the first paragraph!! :-)

Writing Feedback / Education will be truly effective only when it is individually designed - GRE [2]

An educational system can be effective only if the students' needs and interests are taken into account. It Accommodating individual needs is a method for organizers of an e ducational system to figure out how to make itself it have better influences on students.

You made a great argument here! I think the argument will be better if you "refute the counterargument." That means you should give a paragraph about what someone would say if they wanted to CONTRADICT the point of view expressed by the speaker. If you acknowledge the counterargument and then tell why your argument is more correct, the essay will be more persuasive.

In any argumentative essay, it is good to refute the counterargument.

:-)

Undergraduate / The linkage of mankind- CFA (U of A) ART history program entrance essay [2]

I would write "for learning" instead:
Art is probably the best tool that we have for learning about past cultures.

You make a great point in this essay, very impressive!! I think the good thing to do is separate it into paragraphs. End the first paragraph with a thesis statement that expresses this message about the significance of art for conveying the real feelings people had during certain times in history.

Thanks for giving me this great new appreciation for art as a tool for understanding history.

When you use the dialogue, use some capitalization and punctuation:
...and think, "ewww how gory or grotesque," but then
...and think, "Ewww, how gory and grotesque!" but then...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "We should teach these personal fiancé skills" -An issue that is very important to me [3]

Here is a sentence that does not begin with a capital letter:
one of things I did out of many thing I participated in that help people in life is financial Iiteracy.

One of things I did out of many thing I participated in that help people in life to get involved with this situation was to join a program called "financial literacy."

Capitalize the name of the school:
I go to Hope Leadership Academy which is a part of children aids society.

And after we know our stuff and have learned how to facilitate a training we are able to facilitate trainings to not only to adults but also the youth.

One of the topics we facilitated covered is savings.

Before me and my co-facilator and I asked the trainees if each item is a need or a want, we asked what they think we mean by "a need" and what we mean by "a want."

Use "not only...---> but also"
I believe they should teach these personal finance skills to not only adults but also children.

Here is another sentence that does not begin with a capital letter:
its important to this ...
It's important for this and other subjects like math and reading, because it is big part of your everyday life and how you live it.

:-)

Undergraduate / Qualities of a good leader are not a concrete set. [2]

Trustworthiness is a very important parts part of leadership.

A lot of this essay has thoughtful discussion, but it lacks evidence. The topics are rather simple; a leader should be trustworthy, caring, and so forth, and everyone already knows that. To make the essay meaningful, give interesting examples of research studies, quotations, and so forth.

For example, I like this paragraph because it has evidence:
Caring is another important but underestimated part of being a leader. When a leader is caring, followers trust ....According to Liu Ji in Mastering the Art of War, there once was a general named Wu Qi. The general shared the same conditions ---This evidence makes the paragraph meaningful. Each paragraph should have some evidence.

:-)

Scholarship / The Hispanic community is the youngest and fastest growing minorities - academic/career goals. [3]

Great edit, Duminda!

For this thesis statement, let's change the term:
The Hispanics Hispanic community is a multicultural group that includes people from different countries, like no other, thus making me proud of my heritage. ---This is pretty well written!

A period is missing here:
when we were already sleeping Since, I can remember I have...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Economics in China" Johns Hopkins Essay [4]

China triggered my understanding about the power that economic growth can bring.---I revised this sentence, but I don'[t know if this is what you intended to say. Is this revision okay?

From daily transactions to the policy of a country, economics affects everyone's lives, and the sharp contrasts in its consequences create a fascinating journey. to discover. --This is another sentence I revised a little.

When you say, "Why not now?" I think it is not clear... I don't know exactly what you are referring to... China rising to the top?

You can improve this if you write a few sentences about what is causing China's economy to grow so rapidly. Just give a sentence or two to show that you have some understanding of economics already.

:-)

Undergraduate / Vegas Multiculturalism - my community [3]

Let's change a word and move this comma:
to one, large multicultured community.
to one large, multicultural community.

typo: espy

I'll remove a comma here and change the wording for clarity:
As an African American, I contribute a small but a significant amount to the multiculturalism in the city.

In Las Vegas, African American ideals and culture is are only a piece of something much greater in a city of multiple backgrounds and people.

or you can do this:
... ideals and culture is represent only a piece of something much greater in a city of multiple backgrounds and people.

Also... I just noticed an incomplete sentence:
The It is the ideology of the hard worker, the man or woman that puts in long hours in order to achieve what they will.

:-)

Research Papers / My class on issues African Americans face/education; No Child Left Behind [3]


I don't know if "declared" is the best way to say it. Congress passed the legislation, and he signed it into law in January of 2002. It was not really "declared." It was written by Ted Kennedy and others, and both the Dems and GOP supported it.

It seems to have some material cut off at the end.

I think you made a few statements that are generalizations, and they should be revised a little. For example:
African Americans do poorly because of their school environments.----Not all do poorly, and not all poor outcomes are attributable to environmental factors... but I know what you mean. How about this:

Some African American students do poorly because of their school environments.

:-)

Undergraduate / "International isolation at the Boys and Girls club" -short activity essay common app [3]

Hi Brent, I think that description of the geography lesson is not necessary. You can omit that and get right to your purpose. And what is the purpose? I think it is to show the reader that you are very serious about and committed to a particular thing. Make the reader feel a sense of obligation to open doors of opportunity for you. The way to do that is to discuss your accomplishments, the books and articles that fascinate and motivate you, and your plans for the future... and write about all these things in a way that shows that you are carrying out a plan. Some students have a plan, and others don't. You seem to be very committed to your process, so express what it is you are committed to and do all you can to share your plan with the reader.

The essay is very impressive, BTW. I just think that story is unhelpful. Get your point across without the story, and spend those sentences showing the reader what you are all about.

Undergraduate / "tradition of educating leaders" - Why Mt Holyoke College [3]

Well that I have chosen Mount Holyoke because of its tradition of educating leaders, but studying under the guidance and teaching of celebrated professors is not my only intention.

Spelling: disppointed

Spelling: thourough
spelling: challneges

Great detail here. You obviously are serious about your envisioned process!

:-)

Undergraduate / "while reading biography of Supachai Chearavanont" - essay about choosing university. [4]

Hello! I'm sorry you had to wait so long for more responses. I'll make my revision below:
I first heard BU since when I was in grade nine while reading biography of Supachai Chearavanont -- a successful business man, the president and founder of the biggest telecom company in Thailand, True Corporation. Later, when I was in grade eleven I visited BU's website and I choose BU to be my dream school without a doubt. Choosing a university is a big step in my life. It is not just an academic decision but also a personal one, and I believe BU will able to help me achieve this goal.

I corrected many errors. I want to mention that you have two options for writing about grades in school:
I was in the ninth grade when I began to learn about computers.
I was in grade nine when I began to learn about computers.
But not this: I was in grade ninth when I began to learn about computers.

Undergraduate / "The Greatness" - The dream of achieving the greatness [3]

Their magnificence always made me experience an extraordinarily elated felling.
Or you can do this:
Their magnificence always gave me an extraordinarily elated felling.

The adoration of the Greatness began to germinate in my mind serenely, but it inspired me strongly and lastingly. ----too many adverbs!! Too many adverbs make an essay become empty of substance.

Each day, I decorated and coddled them as a girl took takes care of her dolls.

And right now, when I'm writing these lines, there is literally a tremble that runs along my body to my toes, and my mind is being filled with an ec static feeling when reminiscing about the moments I obtained wonderful reward for the champion: the image of a conqueror lifting up the sword to celebrate the victory on the tune of the song of triumph.

You really are a brilliant thinker and communicator. Your English still has flaws, so practice by reading correctly written English aloud and typing it to practice the grammar. I feel a real sense of energy and inspiration after reading, though, so you achieved something great with this essay.

:-)

Graduate / "When it comes to public health.." SOP for a master in health management and policies [4]


This thesis statement is not meaningful enough. It goes without saying that this university fits your needs, because you are applying. Use the sentence at the end of the first paragraph to tell the reader something that you want her/him to remember about you.

I think you should use that last sentence of the first paragraph to tell the reader about something you want to DO professionally or during your next few years in college. Tell about something specific you want to DO pertaining to public health. That way, the reader will know what you stand for.

This should be one word: heart breakin g heartbreaking

Suggestion: Move that conclusion to the top, so that it is part of the introduction. It makes a great thesis statement! Then, write a new conclusion to replace it. I think that conclusion is written very well.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My talent is communication" - Rutgers College [3]

I can add 'had' to make this sentence a little nicer:
After a few months I had learned how to play chess from fellow members of the club, which made me think ...

This is written in a very eloquent way, but I think "challenge" is too broad as a theme. Really, it is a good essay, so do not take my criticism too seriously, but I want to mention that "communication" should probably be mentioned in that first paragraph. Look for a way to unite the themes of 'challenge' and 'communication.'

This part seems very disorganized:
My talent is communication; communication is the flow of information and ideas from one individual to another. Bad communication causes problems in organizations and can cause a good plan to fail. I have been a baseball player for two years and will continue to play in my senior year.---You made a statement about communication being your talent, then you defined the word, and then you gave a sentence about baseball. I know that the point is to talk about baseball requiring communication, but the paragraph seems very disorganized. Is it necessary to define the word? If you define it, the sentence that follows the definition should show why it was necessary to define it for the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / "outstanding curriculum, diversity, English Literature" - Why Swarthmore? [3]

Let's change this semi-colon to a dash and remove the capital letter:
For I believe that it will prepare me well in civil engagement, public services, and social action -- skills that will help me greatly in my life.

This essay could be written about almost any college. You wrote it in a really nice way, but I want to point out that it does not show whether you have a strong intention or plan for the future. Ideally, it would be great if you wrote this in a way that showed the reader that you have several carefully chosen goals because of a strong desire to enter a particular field, and that Swarthmore has resources that can BETTER help you to achieve your goals than resources at other schools.

So I suggest revising the essay so that it shows what makes you different from other students and what makes Swarthmore different from other schools.

:-)

Undergraduate / Rice: what perspective will you bring..."ordinary person working hard for big dreams" [7]

Hi AmazingA, I can't believe you are new to the English language! Your way of writing is very precise and eloquent. You must have practiced very well. For example:

When I moved to this country three years ago, I was bereft of fluency in English; however, every night I would stand in front of the mirror and recite to myself paragraphs from various books and magazines. ---The way you used the semi-colon, the way you used the word "various," everything is of a very high quality.

I really think the best approach is to have a main idea that you capture in a sentence. Try to come up with two sentences that express the main idea of the essay in different ways. Put one in the intro paragraph and one in the conclusion.

In order for the reader to have a powerful experience, it is really helpful to end the first paragraph with one of those sentences that express the main idea.

:-) Thanks so much for the great help I see you giving other people at EF!

Undergraduate / Letter to my roomate babson, Student Abroad Program. [3]

...a place that we have desired to belong for a long time.---This phrasing is awkward. It is impressive because it is so thoughtful, but it is awkward nonetheless. I think you should consider all the possibilities, all the ideas you could plant in the reader's mind at the end of this little intro. You can choose anything you want, so maybe you will think of something better to say here.

As roommates, we will live day by day, support each other in the...----This whole paragraph is really nice.

I have a strong opinion about this sort of thing: I think the most persuasive essays are the ones that include some discussion of specific plans for the near future. If you are so focused on your plan that you cannot help talking about it in a letter like this, it shows that you are really deserving of every opportunity. So when you talk about yourself, talk about your goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the awareness concerning prosthetics" - UVA Supplement- Engineering [4]

I'm really impressed with this thread -- with the essay and also the critique by AmazingA.

The essay is already great, and it is so great that I think it is a shame not to make the conclusion a little longer. I wish you would add a few sentences to that conclusion and discuss your short term and long term goals. Nothing is really missing from the essay, but it could be even more impressive if this discussion concluded with a few sentences about your 'action plan.'

:-)

Writing Feedback / "You think life is hard?" I want this content in my school's magazine [3]

As I delved deeper, pulling away each brick from the wall of her heart, I began to realized realize that we had so much ...

This essay has quite a lot of detail! That is good, as long as all the detail helps to promote your theme. All the detail in the essay should be included for the purpose of expressing ONE BIG IDEA that is central to the essay. An essay should be based on one big idea; what is the big idea of this essay? Can it be expressed in a single sentence?

I don't think the AO reader will appreciate the parts where you address her/him in a conversational way (i.e. in case any of you guys were wondering), and I don't think you should say you don't really know why you are writing about her. You should boldly state the reason why you are writing about her. :-)

I like your style! As you revise this, keep the big idea in mind, and omit all details that do not help you convey your big idea to the reader.

Undergraduate / "Kon'nichiwa, watashi no namae wa" - Common App Essay [7]

Hey, this really shows excellent writing ability and thoughtful reflection... but Sarah made a comment that I think is similar to what I have in mind. I think you went on too long about the story, and I think the story actually is ... um, I don't know what I am trying to say. I think you probably had a profound insight because of that experience when your Dad spoke to those people, but that insight is not really conveyed here. The Japanese phrase he spoke is very common, the kind of simple Japanese you might learn before a trip to Japan. I think the story should be condensed so that you have room to really explain why it was meaningful to you and what it has to do with your intentions for the future.

We are lucky to have your participation here at EssayForum! You are a great writer. I just think this essay needs to get a little more specific about your intentions and about the theme you are using.

:-)

Undergraduate / Newspapers, social challenge, summer, events, history -Stanford Profile Questions [6]

Hey, I can only speak from my own perspective,and I don't know how the AO reader will feel, but I really like those 5 words you originally chose. The new 5 words (the adjectives) are good, too, but I think it is very original to use that sentence/proverb.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a chess-board engraved on a stone table" - College of William and Mary [3]

The word Lantern has no n at the end!

Her worn-out clothes prompted me to feel unkind to refuse her ... this is unclear. I think you should do it like this:
Her worn-out clothes caused me to feel compassion, and I was compelled to accommodate her request...

This essay needs an introduction. You can make the paragraph about chess and the promise BECOME an introduction if you add a thesis statement at the end that will express the main idea about what kind of person you are. Your thesis statement should discuss both promises and selflessness.

:-) great job!! I read in a book called Zen Philosophy, Zen Practice that giving without thought of reward is called "God giving." I also read about a "deed of no merit" being a deed of infinite merit. I think you will like that if you google about it. Google: "deed of no merit" infinite

Undergraduate / "less than 15 hours each week" - Johns Hopkins- activities to engage at JHU? [7]

It will be better if you divide it into paragraphs so that you can make your main points at the beginning and end of paragraphs. Paragraphs are very useful!

Also, you can use the word "various" instead of "different" when you are talking about science events.

You know, you create a really nice feeling for the reader when you mention a feeling of belonging at the beginning of this and joy at the end. You wrote it in a way that will make a good impression!

Writing Feedback / Do modern communication technologies benefit all people? Ielts essay [3]

Capitalize Internet.

Instead of "old people" you could call them senior citizens. That sounds better. :-)

You write very well. Also, I agree with you about the value of the Internet for senior citizens. It is great!! I introduced my grandmother to facebook, and she found many old friends. She also loves youtube because it shows videos of performers she has not seen in decades. Very meaningful, very meaningful.

Look at the question. It asks if all people benefit or not. I think you should ANSWER that question at the end of the first paragraph. Give a sentence that tells whether you agree or disagree. The purpose of the essay is NOT to explore ways to enable them to benefit more.

Also, the people who really do not benefit from technology are people in developing nations where the technology is not available.

:-)

Undergraduate / "freedom to make mistake" "another field of academics" Brown supplements [4]

I found a mistake here:
But this mistake cause made me to get some kind of a sense of where my academic interest lies. The fact that I have a freedom to make such a mistake is what attracts me to Brown the most.

This is well written. I don't think you should remove the part about the mistake; it makes a great point! However, it freedom to make a mistake or change your mind really what attracts you most to Brown, or is it "one of the qualities that most attract you..."? I think it is "one of" them.

It will also be nice to include some discussion of what you might want to do professionally with your Asian Studies education.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a Paradigm Shift?" - Common App: Significant Experience -- Translating [5]

I had the idea that you could move "Ummm..."
Like this:
Standing in front of the class, I glanced down at my suddenly unfamiliar looking notes and realized with growing horror that I had come underprepared. "Um..." Spluttering repeatedly, I searched...

I don't know why I like it better that way. I guess I think it is more effective if you move it, because if it is the first thing the reader sees, it is hard to interpret.

...could tell that the students appreciated that too.

Use a hyphen: deep-rooted

Ha ha, I like the ending, very cool use of the paradigm concept. This whole essay is enjoyable to read and very meaningful. You did a great job!

Undergraduate / Chemistry teacher, my father, chess game, volunteering：why Brown+interest+ideas. [6]

My father runs a managerial consulting firm, and my cousin is enrolled in the Wharton School at UPenn.

I like the rhythm here: The results were significant and eye-opening. People seemed happy and enthusiastic. I started getting new perspectives from them instantly, and I recall meetings in which----I made a small change strictly for the purpose of enhancing rhythem. I like what you started, and I think you should only accept my idea if it seems right to you.

---finding a lifelong aim to fight for is more important than being solely obsessed with theory.------I agree!! This essay is great, and I hope the AO reader recognizes that.