Scholarship / I did not have an American dream; QuestBridge Scholarship / Biographical essay [11]

I like your unique style of writing. It's very interesting to read and you have very creatively presented it. A few minor suggestions;


My mom, younger brother and I were peeping into every piece that passed by us on the baggage claim belt; there was no trace of my guitar.


.... huge challenge

Undergraduate / Why I'm a top cadidate for Einstein MC Philadelphia program - Radiologic Technology [7]


... What happened first? I mean your shoulder dislocation or Work at Uni? If your shoulder problem happened before the other, then start with that and tell your work opportunity strengthened that desire. In whatever order, you need to treat these two incidents separately.

Undergraduate / Math has always been my strength ; UA&P [14]

What I meant was that it's better if you said that you are good at studies and other activities equally. Just because one is good at studies, people don't assume that he is a book warm. Then what I meant was that you can tell this to the reader through an experience or an incident. For example, talk about how you watched a movie a night before the exam and still got the highest score for the subject. This may be some extreme example, yet you may be having lots of examples to cite :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2; Television's influence on cultures - Negative or Positive? [4]

It seems you can write well... Can you manage time well? If you have a problem with that, limit reasons to one reason per body para. Practice would help you with time management too. Do more essays and post them here :)

On the flipside, television has many negative affectseffects on the society's culutrecultureas well .[/quote]

Undergraduate / Math has always been my strength ; UA&P [14]


... I think the second part is unnecessary. Why do you want to waste your words for telling them about others' assumptions. I wish if you said that you are a well rounded person. But without making statements, it's better if you can convince them through your experiences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2; Television's influence on cultures - Negative or Positive? [4]

Hi,
I understand you are new to this forum. So I have couple of requests for you; You need to have a meaningful topic in the subject field and post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. (I moved it from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback)


Good introduction :)


.... this sentence is too long and hence your flow of ideas gets disturbed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - old buildings should be preserved; 'contribute to our sense of culture' [5]


.... "major concern"


Begin your introduction with a hook;
Old buildings speak of a nation's heritage.
Also, why do you narrow down your topic to housing issue? Such land could be used for commercial purposes too. Always keep a proper alignment with your topic.

Writing Feedback / Firstly by participating in community service , one becomes more responsible and independent. [8]

It's not so hard dear. Look at your prompt;


Have these three parts in your introduction;
1. Hook - An interesting statement to catch the reader's attention - e.g. Community service is an important activity that aims at giving a hand to the people of communities to bring up their neighborhood.

2. Background - Give the context to the reader
2.1. Definition of the question - e.g. In most parts of the world, students are required to engage in voluntary community service.
2.2. Importance of the question (why it is important to discuss this argument) - e.g. However, due to the study pressure and work load that students are required to cope with, some students feel this an unfair requirement.

3. Thesis statement - Express your view e.g. [i]However, I believe that unpaid community service should be made mandatory for high school students because it makes them more responsible, independent and helps them learn important social skills.[/i]

Writing Feedback / What distinguishs Art from Design? [6]

Well.... I don't understand why you quoted EF sections on top of your essay. However, it is more important to tell us your prompt or the purpose of this writing so that we can provide you with more relevant comments. Is this for admission purpose or classroom assignment?


... this sentence is somewhat confusing for me :(


... you should not have tenses mixed up.


..."an" is used only in front of vowels.


.... this sentence is too long dear. Therefore it does not flow well and disturb clarity of your idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Cheap air travel should be encouraged? [4]

I think you write well . Your writing is clear and well presented. There are small grammar issues here and there, but they are not major ones. :) Keep practicing... You can aim for a real good band :)



Moreover, traveling also helps promote tourism which contribute to boost the country's economy.

Writing Feedback / Which is more important to you?A Business Or A House [6]

Hi,
If this is for one of those writing tasks (IELTS or TOEFL), then this is too short. You need to have minimum 250 words in your response. However, it sounds like a speaking task question.

Writing Feedback / Firstly by participating in community service , one becomes more responsible and independent. [8]


... seen what? ... This is your introduction and it is very important to grab the reader's attention towards your writing. So whatever you say here should provide them a good hook to make them become interested in you writing. Therefore begin your essay with a more meaningful and relevant statement.


This is not really necessary. You have to do this in your body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Kubbar island ; Trip to Island ...4 paragraph essay [4]


Well.... I don't find mistakes in your essay. However, my suggestions were intended to improve your writing more :) You don't have grammar or vocabulary issues and your writing is very clear. Only you need to have more life in your essay :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Children should learn to manage their own money; views differ considerably [6]


... connect these two sentences with "while" . Also, you don't have to use synonyms all the time to replace the words in the prompt. Use the most appropriate word in your sentences.


... what's the main point (the real reason why you back a certain position) here? You should start with that!
First, one should know how to handle money wisely and productively to get the maximum benefit of it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Popularity of mobile phones to young people [7]


... reach out to their families and friends / reach their families and friends
Also, for youngsters, it's a trendy thing. Many a them do not think seriously about its primary objective,i.e. as a communication device, but use it for various other aspects such as playing games etc. I think you better briefly mention about this aspect as well.

Writing Feedback / GRE essay.....will technology deteriorate our thinking abilities? [5]


Your ideas look detached from one another. You need to arrange a better flow with ideas that are flowing more logically and connecting well with the other.


Technology offers solutions that have the capability of solving problems instantly whereas we may take several hours or days to solve them.

Undergraduate / 'I don't give up' University of Texas at Austin Transfer Essay- SOP Topic A [4]

.... I feel it's better you started your response with this line. It explains how your passion began. Your experiences talk more than the statements you make. Your SOP is the best chance for the admission guys to know about you as a person and don't miss that opportunity to tell them who you, what you like to do etc.

Letters / Cover letter for Research statement for PhD (SCHOLARSHIP) [4]


While in the University


Rather than saying this, tell them the projects that you were involved with and your experiences and how they helped you develop your skills. Avoid making statements if you don't have evidence to support them. It's always better to talk through your experiences. :)

Writing Feedback / Is it more important to be able to work with a group of people on a team? [5]


You write very impressively. I only wish you introduced the other side of the argument as well.


.... exactly :)
I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you need to manage this with time allocated for the task. It looks a lengthy essay for such a task. No worries if you could manage time. Also, mention the purpose (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc.) in the subject so that it's easy for others to comment more relevantly.

This is very good writing :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Should we not pay tax to the authorities? [10]


Is this the full prompt? Does it ask you to agree or disagree? It's better you include the entire prompt so that others have a better idea as to how they should comment.


....collecting taxes by the rulers had been there even during ancient times. It could have been in the form of money or goods. I think you should have started with a more meaningful hook because this is the first impression you are going to form about your writing to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Kubbar island ; Trip to Island ...4 paragraph essay [4]


.... tell where you live too.

You give us a good description of Kubbar and it's done pretty neat. :D
However, you talk very less about your feelings and experiences there. You don't talk about unique things you noticed in Kubbar and how this trip made some lasting memories in you. Add more emotions to this writing to make it more colorful and interesting for the reader. :)

Writing Feedback / Some people want to be independent from their families as soon as possible and some other not [11]


.... It's not just people - they are young adults. Keep a track with your prompt.



I have a request for you; Post your TOEFL essays into Writing Feedback forum ( I moved it from Undergraduate to the right forum) and also have a meaningful topic in the subject field when you open new threads. I attended to that too.

Writing Feedback / Continuous developments of zoo required towards a more comfortable and habitable for animals to live [5]

You write very well. However, you are supposed to introduce the prompt (the argument) to the reader in the introduction. It does not happen here as you talk only one side of it. I feel you should spend less time for introduction and more at body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of living off-campus? [5]

Yes.... you are right. Sorry... I missed out the introduction when I read it first. I thought you answered the question direct. Sorry about my earlier comment :(

Writing Feedback / Arguments in favor of Animal Testing? Yes or No? [5]

Hi,
Make sure you post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum next time when you open a new thead (I transferred it from Undergraduate forum to Writing Feedback). It would help you too to earn more feedbacks :)



The following paragraphs will depictdiscuss both sides of the coin.[/quote]

Writing Feedback / Physical exercises do not mean only to maintain good shape [6]

Hi
What's the purpose of this essay? IELTS/ TOEFL/ GRE ? Include the purpose in your topic (in the subject field) so that it helps us to provide you with more relevant feedbacks. Also, you need to post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.


... but exercises help people to stay in good health both physical and psychological.


....All three sentences mean almost the same. Avoid repeating ideas

Writing Feedback / Individuals can do nothing on environmental issues, Agree or disagree?(TOEFL) [7]


In this background


when you say "country" it includes people (individuals) too. So, better you use the word "government"


... it is not really recovering the environment, but it is a matter of protecting and conserving the environment


.... this is an incomplete sentence... you need to tell the connection of this saying to your idea.

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast: home-cooked food vs fast food [3]

Hi yucky,
I think you better include the purpose (e.g. IETLTS/ TOEFL/ GRE etc.) in the subject and include the full prompt in your essay. That helps others to provide you with more relevant feedbacks. :)

We now have very little information (all what we have is your topic) in order to provide you with our feedbacks.


... flavors?


.... because they are cooked to suite individual tastes.


.... speed of preperation

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;Should parents limit their children watching TV to make them do well in shcool? [4]

Good introduction :)



Recently,more and more children got into the habit of smoke because they imitated the behaviors of their favorite characters in Television programs.

You write very well....good structure, vocabulary, ideas and grammar :)
Wish you good luck with TOEFL! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of living off-campus? [5]

I think you need to follow a more appropriate structure for this task.

Student Talk / Listening: 8.5 - I got my IELTS result today [12]

Congratulations Du Tuan! It's great news and we are very happy about your excellent score. We hope you too would continue the good work by helping others through your experience by visiting EF frequently ;)

And thank you for dropping a note to inform us your achievement which is very thoughtful.
We wish you all the best ! :)
dumi

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Children can learn efficiently by watching television [3]

Hi,
First, you should post all IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. (I moved your essay from "Undgraduate" to "Writing Feedback" ) :) This would help you earn more relevant feedbacks :)


Television is very popular among people of all ages


.... this should be a new sentence.



... this is grammatically wrong;
Watching TV helps children learn efficiently is a statement without much sense. .... however, this sentence does not provide a reason to justify your opinion. Therefore, you should remove this line from the essay. You should start with the second sentence though it needs corrections;


First, TV can make young children addicted to watching its programs because they lack enough maturity to control themselves.

Writing Feedback / 'everything has its good and bad sides' - Food has become easier to prepare [5]


.... well... I think you can write well , but you need to follow the most appropriate essay structure to go for a real good band. You can have an idea about how you'll be assessed by visiting the following site;

ielts.org/pdf/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf


... align this more with the topic.... why you need to save time on cooking? what's the advantage? ... tell that this time can be spent with the family or it suits busy lifestyles etc.etc.

Writing Feedback / Are you in favour of exams being abolished? [3]


Exam has been / Exams have been .... in this case, "Exams have been" is better.


exams still play/ exams still plays .... keep the plural phrase!


.... they don't go well together.
First, the examinations require students to keep their knowledge updated making them more involved with studies.


... what's the main point here? It is that students do not pay much attention to follow the lesson if they are not required to take up an exam. So give more emphasis on the real reason ;

Students would not pay any serious attention to the lessons in the classroom unless they have to face an examination or any assessment test. It is very unlikely that they acquire sufficient knowledge due to lack of interest, even if the best teachers are employed to teach them.

Writing Feedback / What makes small businesses successful? [4]


.... well.... you don't have to apologize because this is a forum where people can discuss and share thoughts. There's no one to rule the other and we respect everybody's thoughts. It's up to you to accept others suggestions if you feel they are worth accepting. Otherwise you can disregard them. I provide my comments with an intention of helping others and it does not mean that others should follow my suggestions always. The structure I suggested above, in my view, is a more logical structure and also it has helped many people to succeed with IETLS and TOEFL examinations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment for each crime type [6]


...this is not a general reason, but it is the main objective. Use the most appropriate words when you are expressing ideas.


Some people think it really does not matter what the reason behind the crime
Wel, I dont find this a very logical explaination.
Post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / What makes small businesses successful? [4]

Well.... your sentences lack clarity. Your writing should be clear to the reader more than everything else. Try simple senetnce structures. Also, you need to pay attention to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / 'everything has its good and bad sides' - Food has become easier to prepare [5]


It is better if you expressed your view direct rather than keeping the reader in hold. Your introduction should introduce the topic and then state the opinion. Read the following essay which is written on the same topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Talents with which people are born or practice is more beneficial. [7]

If it's agree or disagree sort of topic then you don't have to unless you take a moderate stance. For example, if you agree wth the statement then give reasons as to why you agree. You don't have to talk about the other side. Read the essays I recommended for you. However, if you topic asks you yo discuss both views then you need to discuss both sides.

Writing Feedback / CITY&GUILDS: Human beings do not need to eat meat in order to maintain good health... [5]


... the right form is;
As you know / As you are known .... "As you know" is better.


....I dont see these sentences as productive to add some value to your essay. Also there is no point in telling both sides because it is implied. You need to express this in a more logical manner;

There are some people who abstain from consuming any form of meat.