Undergraduate / MY ESSAY FOR SYRACUSE : IT'S REALLY NEED ENHACEMENT [4]

"Having experienced both the American and the Chinese educational systems, I think Chinese education is often wrongly viewed as consisting mostly of theoretical, rather than practical, instruction."

"Syracuse's Scholarship in Action program can help students who are pursuing higher education to find ways to benefit society"

"let my knowledge beneficial to my surroundings, including my country." Revise to ". . . and employ my knowledge for the benefit of my local community, my state, and my country"

"After the financial crisis this year, many people have lost their jobs and many companies are facing bankruptcy."

"Company directors have normally studied many different financial theories, but they were unable to avoid the current crisis, mainly because they did not apply those theories in the real world." (This is my best guess as to what you meant, anyway)

Undergraduate / "orchestra class" - UVA Supplemental Essay [5]

Assuming that you are going to go on to talk about how you dealt with the challenge presented to you by Canon in D, then yes, it addresses the prompt. Your writing style is smooth and polished, which is good. Now you just need to finish it.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for NUS: The big day [8]

Here's a challenge for you: go through the second, third, and fourth paragraphs, and try rewriting them to eliminate every form of the verb "to be." That includes getting rid of every "was," "were," "is," and "are." You probably won't be able to kill them all -- "to be" is possibly the most basic verb in existence, and there are times when you have to use it, or when it would sound awkward and contrived to try to avoid it, but you should be able to cut down dramatically on the number of times you use it. The main advantage to doing this is that it forces you to use the active voice (because the passive voice always uses some form of "be") and to employ more precise, interesting verbs.

Hmmmmm . . . Apparently you posted a new version of your essay while I was typing this comment, which was meant for your second draft, not your third. Your third draft is much better, but you can still go through and eliminate a few "was"s to tighten up your writing a bit.

Undergraduate / Common application essay (why the caged bird sings) --is it too typical? [4]

Only the establishing of the timeline. Once you have fixed that and the metaphors, you can post the revised version for feedback on the grammar.

Undergraduate / JHU essay - why this major [3]

Your opening dialogue now ties in to your introduction much more clearly. Grammatically, "CEO, the check that we received from company X bounced. Company X is experiencing a financial crisis and will be declaring bankruptcy soon. Some of our investors are thinking of withdrawing their support for our company as they heard that we will also be affected." would be better.

"The curiosity about economics came along " Revise to "I became curious about economics"

"Why would companies declare bankruptcy ?"

"The curiosity about economics has turned into interest, thus I chose economics as my major." Do you need this? Could you just substitute "interest" for "curiosity" at the start of your essay?

"Moreover, the department of Economics in Johns Hopkins University offers a research in economics course as part of its undergraduate program. Taking this course will give me the opportunity to discover which area of economics most interests me and to conduct research in it."

Undergraduate / Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science - NU essay [3]

The revised version is definitely clearer. You could smooth out the grammar like this:

I wish to study Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science. Browsing through the McCormick School web inspired me. The first headline I saw was "blowing water bubbles at low gravity," and the image of the floating water enthralled me; for a moment, I thought I had entered a fantasy. Then one after another, more discoveries and innovations introduced in the McCormick School web page began to bathe my mind in wonder. Carbon nanotubes, electronic devices that twist, terms familiar and strange, and many other ideas I had never conceived of began to transform my perception of what reality is. The infinite possibilities highlighted by the images on the screen in front of me confirmed the truth of mankind's boldest belief, that nothing is impossible.

Undergraduate / Is Sociology/AP Psychology considered core academic subjects? [5]

History and law also fall under the heading of humanities. Likewise, linguistics is closely allied to English. Sociology, anthropology, and psychology are the core social sciences, and the ones most widely studied, with the possible exception of economics, though, given the current track record of most economists in predicting the current economic woes, I don't think its inclusion alters my main point about the scale of respectability.

Undergraduate / MIT (Optional Essay: Describe something you've built) [3]

You could eliminate most of the following: "I was proud of it though, it was my baby. Ten, twenty, or even thirty miles daily wasn't uncommon between going to and from school, my girlfriend's house, and the local store to pick up necessities.The problem began when my legs weren't prepared for the long bike rides home after coach's famous vigorous workouts. I enjoyed the challenge, but in the following days I saw a decrease in my running performance and I was closely approaching the athlete's nightmare: overtraining." Just replace it with something along the lines of "The amount of cycling I did, combined with my other athletic abilities, soon put me in danger of overtraining." That would solve the word count problem, and focus the essay more on the building of the motorized bike, which is after all what the essay is supposed to be about.

On a completely unrelated note, "Since like most lawn mower engines this one's shaft operated vertically making it impossible to run it horizontally without risking damage to the interior, as the oil may not lubricate the piston." isn't a complete sentence.

Undergraduate / Common application essay (why the caged bird sings) --is it too typical? [4]

It is neither boring nor typical, and is in fact an excellent approach to the essay. That said, it does need some work. For one thing, the timeline isn't clear. The opening section presumably describes yourself as a young child, but this isn't immediately obvious. Your use of tenses also makes it seem as if the "partying" you and the "penitent" you co-exist in the same time, though presumably the second stage came after the first. Also, while you are to be commended for using extended metaphors, you might want to focus on only one -- either the caged bird or the girl heading to the rollercoaster. The two metaphors don't really connect at all, and the intercutting between them ultimately lessens the impact of each.

Undergraduate / Is Sociology/AP Psychology considered core academic subjects? [5]

The definition of "core" shifts depending upon which institution is using it, so I can't answer the question directly for you. There is, however, a general scale of respectability that attaches to academic subjects, ranging, from highest to lowest, approximately in the following order:

Math and the hard sciences.
English and the humanities.
The social sciences (Sociology, anthropology, psychology).
Fine Arts

Undergraduate / essay for fsu (the freshman basketball team and more) [6]

In addition to the period, there are other punctuation marks that you can, nay, should use in your writing, such as the comma ",", the semi-colon (;), the colon (:), and the dash (-). Sprinkle these liberally throughout your essay, and it will become much more readable. If you are feeling particularly adventurous, you may even construct sentences that call for the rarer but always welcome question mark (?) and exclamation point (!).

Also, what on earth is your essay supposed to be about? Basketball? Vires and Artes? Praise dancing? Pick a topic, any topic, and stick with it. In fact, you might even want, after picking a single topic, to decide what it is you want to say about it, a central point, which we might call, say, a thesis, and then dedicate your entire essay to developing that single point. This would lead to a much more structured and interesting essay than you currently have.

Undergraduate / undergrad essay, Pratt is the best option for me [2]

This essay suffers from numerous grammatical problems, but before you revise for grammar and style, I would advise rewriting the essay to discuss in more detail how exactly the decisions of a fashion designer can be socially responsible. You tend to be vague about how this works, and the few specific things you do mention, such as "sweat shops or the illegal manufacturing of products," seem, at first glance at least, to be more determined by business executives than by the fashion designers they employ. That said, the idea that fashion designers do have social responsibilities is not foolish, and could form a solid basis for this essay -- you just need to offer stronger examples that are explained in considerably more detail to back up your position.

Writing Feedback / Business Law Essay feedback (Stevens, Wiley & Co) [4]

You need to do some research here, and find out what the relevant laws are to such cases. This will probably involve reviewing the way various courts have ruled on previous cases involving similar situations to find out what precedents have been set. Once you know what the law says specifically about these issues, and how judges have interpreted those laws when applying them in the past, it should be fairly easy to answer the questions that have been given to you.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for NUS: The big day [8]

Two things. First, "I explained her" should be "I explained to her" throughout. Second, I'm not sure that starting each paragraph with the same phrase works that well here. The technique can be effective, in some circumstances, but in this case, it seems mostly to shift the focus from all the effort you put into creating your Van De Graff generator to your decision to explain that effort to the judge. However, your decision to explain the machine in detail is relatively unimportant. What you want the reader to focus on is precisely how hard working and clever you are, so why would you add anything to your essay that distracts from that?

Undergraduate / JHU essay - why this major [3]

The opening dialogue, on its own, is a nice touch. In the context of the essay, it seems a bit out of place, since all it really does is establish that you lack any ability to manage your own finances, hardly a strong argument for accepting you into an economics program.

"Besides that, my interest in Mathematics has also led to pursue my major in economics" Revise to "I am also pursuing a major in economics because of my intense interest in mathematics."

"Enrolling in this course enables me to find an issue about the world's economy and thus analyze it." Um, so would reading any issue of The Economist. You may want to elaborate on this point.

Yes, you should erase the last paragraph. JHU's economic importance to Maryland is not, one assumes, a reason for you to go there to study economics.

Undergraduate / Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science - NU essay [3]

I wouldn't say really weird. Slightly weird, maybe. Often the sentence structures have a poetic quality to them that is quite admirable, but sometimes your word choices prevent the sentences from making as much sense as they could, though your overall meaning is usually clear enough. For instance, in the sentence "Weren't the floating and amorphous liquids in the image a patent granted only to the fantastic, forbidden to and impossible in the reality," you are asking if the liquids are patents, to which the answer is obviously not. Patents are pieces of paper that give someone the commercial right to produce something (which may or may not be a liquid). Also, the word "fantastic" doesn't quite work. The image might indeed have been of something fantastic, but patents are given either to people or to companies that may merely be wealthy enough to afford to fund good research facilities rather than being amazing in any significant sense.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Athletes Serving the Community) [6]

First, the good news -- the experience you picked is perfectly suitable for this sort of essay. The bad news: you spend far too much time telling and far too little time showing. For instance, "I felt melancholy," "I was just overwhelmed with there pure emotions and this made me reevaluate my life," "I took for granted everything I had," "I am very lucky for all the things I have and now I am also grateful for them also.," "I was truly moved by there sincere responses." All of these phrases involve you telling the reader how you felt instead of showing them. Worse, to explain how the homeless felt, you resort to repeating statements they made in which they told you how they felt, rather than showing this through your description of them. Try revising this essay to include a lot more descriptive detail, and to eliminate a lot of the bland, uninteresting statements that currently characterize it.

Undergraduate / Common App: Fundraising consultant, physical therapist and neonatologist [8]

An interesting story that is different enough from the normal topics to stand out on the application. Good job. I especially liked the metaphor of a child being lifted upon on her father's shoulders. Perhaps that could be your title "On my father's shoulders." Just a thought.

Undergraduate / Common short essay: Summary of activity, all comments are welcomed [8]

Not bad overall, though the grammar is a bit rough in places. I might suggest, though, that you relate an anecdote about how you were able to help one specific student, rather than just giving us an overview of how you helped the class. That would make the essay much more personal and meaningful.

Undergraduate / Common app short answer--SIFE activity [5]

Very good content-wise. Grammatically a bit painful, though. I'd recommend making the following changes:

"From my graduation of high school in 2007 till today, I have spent most of my time working with the SIFE (Students In Free Enterprise) team to do socially useful activities."

"Af first, I was so fervent that I plunged headfirst into negotiating with several marketing managers from difference manufacturers without doing any research on how to negotiate successfully."

"I analyzed my performance, and realized that in my negotiations, . . ."

"and had i gnored the real situation and needs of the manufacturers"

"Then I searched the Internet for information that would improve my negotiating skills, and analyzed every detail of the manufacturers' companies"

"This experience made me more mature"

Undergraduate / Cornell College of Arts and Sciences supplement (intellectual interests) [3]

Great essay. It's always nice to read one written in a smooth style. I can only suggest the following minor fixes:

"It is fulfilling to explore in depth the subjects of the articles . . ."

"I was surprised to find Thomas Friedman's column centered directly on China," If you had noticed a rise in the number of articles written on China, why would you be surprised to find Friedman following suit?

"the rural, country-like atmosphere of less developed areas" This really isn't negative enough to warrant a contrast with the "flower-like blossom" you mentioned earlier. "the dire poverty of neglected rural areas," or some such, would be better.

"I firmly believe that Cornell is the best place for me to pursue that goal.

Undergraduate / Claremont College Essay (Leadership, ANALYTICAL ESSAY) [2]

Fairly good overall. A couple of revised sentences for you:

"Many are familiar with the concept of justice that is rooted in the old axiom 'an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' This notion has been the foundation for justice throughout most of our history; ever since the Code of Hammurabi was created, people have been putting it to practice."

"As a leader in the making, I seek to emulate the leadership Jesus has shown. Instead of ordering others, I want to be an example that influences others to follow me freely."

Essays / two qualities that you possess essay HELP University of Toronto [4]

Start by picking two positive qualities about yourself that you haven't had a chance to convey in your other essays for UofT. Then, brainstorm ways in which those qualities would make you a strong engineering student. Then, ask yourself if those ways are connected at all, and if so, if the connections suggest a way of structuring your presentation of them. That should at least get you to the point where you can post an outline for further feedback.

Undergraduate / things that we dont want to do and still do - essay feedback [3]

Lack of clarity, focus, and specificity all spring to mind. You don't really explain why someone should learn to like being a mail sorter instead of seeking a better, more interesting job, or why people who are dissatisfied with their professional lives in general shouldn't change those lives instead of settling for them. Your doctor example is a bit better, but it isn't clear that people don't want to have surgery. I think it is probably the case that they don't want to have to have surgery, but, given the alternative, do in fact want the surgery in some sense. Your third paragraph is back to being horribly general, and therefore uninteresting. So, to improve, you would need to add many more specific examples, while simultaneously exploring what it means to want things, and how our wants can sometimes go against our needs.

Undergraduate / 'Involved in research' - MIT short answer - which department? [5]

The following cleans up the grammar for you:

As one of the leading departments in MIT, the Department of Economics offers a wealth of research opportunities for undergraduates. The department is unique in that it works closely with many other departments in MIT, bringing the techniques of modern economics into other research programs, an approach I find particularly appealing. I am confident that I would be able to contribute to the research program as I am keen to become involved in research. Moreover, there are many award winners and even Nobel Prize winners in the department and it would be my pleasure if I had the opportunity to work with them.

It does not, however, fix the main problem of the answer, namely that it is too lacking in specificity. What sort of interdisciplinary work does the department do, exactly? How would you get involved in the research? Which prize winners are you particularly interested in working with? etc.

Undergraduate / 'emphasis on individual' - Sarah Lawrence College supplement [2]

You have a habit of using the wrong word, or at least the wrong word form. So,

"Applying for Sarah Lawrence College is not a sudden impulse "

"First, Sarah Lawrence puts an extreme emphasis on individualism .
"
"I communicated and helped my other team members initiatively" Initatively is not an English word. You would have to revise the sentence to something along the lines of "I communicated with my other team members and took the initiative in helping them."

And so on.

I'd go through the entire essay, paying close attention to your diction and how it can be improved, then post the revisions for further comment.

Undergraduate / 'words on the website' - Brown: Your interest and your reasons for applying [4]

Revise for conciseness. This can be done by combining sentences to eliminate overlap in ideas, and by avoiding the use of the passive voice. For instance

"I am interested in international relations. I have always wanted to take a professional look at social studies. After perusing the introduction to international relations on Brown's website, I discovered that international studies were much more than I had imagined."

can be rewritten as

"Having always been fascinated by international relations, I was surprised to discover, as I perused Brown's website, that there was even more to the subject than I had realized."

This is a 25% reduction in word count. If you go through the entire essay and revise it in a similar vein, then the essay will be much stronger.

Undergraduate / "Small tasks" - Common App work experience essay [2]

Grammatical revisions:

"Small tasks such as moving boxes or packing documents are just as important as the other work that is being done in this building"

"It was the first comment the manager made when I've received an internship at Mirae Asset."

"I could not understand his comment at the time, but after spending my first hour at the company, I realized that my new job mainly consisted of moving heavy boxes and packing insurance documents."

"I was little disappointed that I was ordered to do such meaningless tasks because I had expected to be given more complex tasks such as organizing files or working on computer."

"I wished to obtain experience more directly related to the insurance industry ."

"you have to first do smaller tasks"

"Now, I understand seemingly trivial tasks are necessary for success "

Content:

You might want to explain just how moving boxes and other "trivial" tasks are important. At the moment, you just say that that is what you were told. If you truly understand it, you should be able to explain it, though.

Undergraduate / common app writing, short (speed-skating) [2]

"I can constantly challenge myself." Defeat isn't quite the right word in the original.

"A moment's loss of focus would lead to a fall at high speeds, often leaving unsightly scars." LOL! This is unintentionally hilarious. I'm sure the pain of high speed collisions is enough to deter one from getting into them, even if they don't leave scars, unsightly or otherwise. Also, the phrasing gives the reader an interesting mental image of you.

Scholarship / I've been constantly instilled the idea that one should make use of what he/she has learned. [5]

Well, for the first one: "Chinese education is wrongly viewed as consisting mostly of theoretical, rather than practical instructions"

For the second, "I didn't realize that the economy was so important in the every day lives of individuals because I grew up in a communist country."

Undergraduate / Penn supplement -- (Wharton should be a good fit for me) [7]

Yes, but the problem is that business at Penn isn't something you can't get anywhere else. In spite of the pressure many students feel to get into the "top" universities, apart from their reputation, it really, really doesn't matter that much, especially for undergraduate degrees. So, sycophantic praise focusing on reputation is pretty much the only response that makes a great deal of sense here.

Undergraduate / Helping out at summer school, significane experience. It's for stanford. [3]

This essay suffers from far too much telling instead of showing. Phrases such as "I have contributed to helping people," "Helping people is very important to me because I feel as if I am making a difference in someones life," "This contribution that I did is very important to me because it truly shows the type of person that I am," "I felt good about myself. I learned so much from helping at summer school and it made me realize that helping people is something that I like to do," and so on are flat, dull, and generally uninspired. You would have a much stronger essay if you eliminated these sorts of sentences (which is most of the essay, I'm afraid) and write a narrative essay explaining exactly what you did, specifically, to help, and describing your reaction to the experience to show us how it impacted you.

The good news is that you already have some good details in the essay that you can use as a starting point. For instance, this is good: "I remembered how my dad not knowing any English himself, struggled to help me every day. It took us about two hours just to do one worksheet." It is a specific detail that helps the reader to understand why you might find satisfaction in helping others learn English. Build on this. Describe (don't just say, show) how you overcame this difficulty, how you saw others struggling, what you did to help, etc.

Undergraduate / The University of Delaware admission essay - finding solutions to significant environmental issues [5]

To answer your question directly -- yes, this essay is off-topic. Your love of hiking does not immediately translate into your being a steward of the environment. Your father's adventures in looking after his family, howsoever interesting, are irrelevant to the issue. The prompt is essentially asking in what ways your behavior shows a commitment to protecting the environment. It then wants to you to talk about how you will actively engage in environmentalism when you attend Delaware. It isn't really a fair topic, since it forces you to espouse a dedication to a particular political cause, which you may or may not actually agree with, but that's what they want, and the essay you have at the moment doesn't meet any of the above criteria.

Undergraduate / A Question - , an Egyptian - American woman/ College essay [2]

I would strongly advise cutting the first two paragraphs. For some reason, they have an undeniably soporific effect, though I can't really pinpoint why. I think it is just that the subject matter in general isn't that interesting to someone who didn't actually know your grandfather. The rest of the essay is really strong, though.

Oh, and a grammatical note: "Despite being an underprivileged family, I enjoyed happiness I have never felt again" -- Avoid misplaced modifiers. You, by yourself, are not a family, underprivileged or otherwise.

Undergraduate / Penn supplement -- (Wharton should be a good fit for me) [7]

It's good. It's got that sycophantic praise thing going, which is really what you want here.

Undergraduate / I chose to go to Kenya for my school trip - Travelling to other countries [12]

Your second draft is much better. It is clear how what you saw change your view of the world, which is great. You might want to mention a bit more about Hong Kong, though, Angela629 is right about that. I'd add the material in near the beginning of the essay. You can also maybe discuss how complacent you felt living there, so that your last sentence ties back to your introduction.

Scholarship / I've been constantly instilled the idea that one should make use of what he/she has learned. [5]

Hmmmm . . . the grammar here needs quite a bit of work. Here are a few revisions to get you started.

"Growing up in traditional Chinese culture, I've been constantly instilled with the idea that one should make use of what one has learned."

" . . . and widely mistaken for an aberrance of practical instructions," aberrance isn't the right word here. I'm not quite sure exactly what you a trying to say, but I am quite sure you haven't actually said it.

"Back when I was in China, I didn't fully appreciate how the economy impacts the life of each individual, especially in a communist society where the economy is relatively stable due to the centralization of authority." Also, do you mean that the economy impacts individuals particularly strongly in a communist society (which is what you have said) or that you didn't realize that the economy was so important because you grew up in a communist country (which is what I think you might mean)?

Undergraduate / 'My top colleges / Kind to others' - Lehigh University [4]

Your first answer is fairly solid. You might want to consider removing the bit about not being sure what you want to major in so that you have more room to talk about how you plan to contribute to the university, though.

Your second answer needs more work, but then you do say it isn't finished yet. You're off to a good start -- kindness and open-mindedness are good values for sure. However, you need to add more about an experience that shaped these values for you.

Undergraduate / "Why Colorado College" essay [2]

It's not too personal. It's quite good in that regard, actually. I'd do something about the order of your ideas, though. You start out by talking about CC's location and natural beauty, switch to the Block program, then go back to talking about the location and environment. It would make sense to combine everything about the location into one paragraph. Also, be careful with your diction -- I don't know that describing the people at the university you are applying to as "plain-looking" is a good way to win favor with the admissions officer. And "It blows me away" is a bit informal for this sort of essay.

Undergraduate / Recalling three years that have passed. Personal essay on volunteer experience! [8]

This is much more interesting to read. A definite improvement. The excitement now comes from your own clearly stated sense of nervousness at doing something new that will presented in public. However, you may have cut a bit too much of the context, as it is no longer clear what sort of video you are shooting, or who the unfortunate children are, or how the video is supposed to make them feel better. At some point you need to work in the ideas (not necessarily the exact sentence itself) contained in your original: "a volunteer performance for the poor and homeless children at XYZ village. That program was held by Big Party Organization, or BPO, to celebrate the approaching International Children's Day."