Writing Feedback / Nurture has only limited impact on early human development compared to Nature [2]

One of my main concerns with this piece is that none of the research/statistics/data is cited. Where did this information come from? In order to make sure your paper is properly constructed, is credible, and is free from accusations of plagiarism, you need to make sure and properly cite the sources for your claims. Inline citations and a properly constructed bibliography will help you with this, making your paper better overall. As it is right now, there is no supporting information so it is a very weak and suspicious piece.

The grammar and mechanics of this piece do need a lot of work. A refresher course in these areas will help you polish this piece and make it easier for your reader to follow. There are many free guides that can help you online, or I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

Undergraduate / "Art is not a thing; it is a way." - Elbert Hubbard - FSU Admission Essay. [5]

Good evening :)

I do like the rewrite; structurally it is just as good as the first piece, but your sentence flow is much more fluid, and I like the changed opening. Mechanically, make sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences and proper nouns only; thus "Math" shouldn't be capitalized but in "art is not a thing; it is a way" "art" should be.

In regards to content, I think this is a much more introspective piece than the other one. Your word choice is stronger, more honest, and it creates a more noble feel to the piece, along with much more confidence. Read the two pieces one after another, and I think you will see what I see; a writer that is growing, changing. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Hofstra Essay - I am GSL of THS [6]

Good evening :)

OK, let's see:

As a matter of fact, Tottenville is the largest high school on Staten Island.

I am not shy or timid, I'mAvoid contractions in formal academic writing; this should be "I am." outgoing and expressive, and I'm not afraid to raise my hand in class to offer my thoughts, questions, or opinions. I went beyond dealing with my anxieties, or even surviving my anxieties; I conquered them.

A very nice piece! Great explanation!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Crohn's - UC essay #2 [3]

Good evening :)

As you didn't explain what type of assistance you were seeking, I have edited the first section and then made some general comments in regards to the remainder of the piece:

"I crawl out of bed, pour a glass of orange juice, and pour out my pills. It became a routine; I didn'tAvoid contractions in formal academic writing. even think about taking the pills. I look down,You have now switched from present to past back to present tense again; choose one tense and then stick with it throughout your piece. and there are 7The general rule regarding numbers is that if it is between one and ten, go ahead and spell it out; if it is 11 or more, it is acceptable to use the numerals. pills before me. Then I start to laugh;I'm 16 years old and popping pills like a 70 year old. That's one thing I like about myself; I always had a little humility."

Make sure you are using appropriate linking verbs and article adjectives such as "are," "is," and "the." They are the "glue" that holds your sentence structure together.

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

In regards to content, this is a great response to the prompt. Your example is relevant to it, and you link it to the prompt well. Perhaps you could discuss how this makes you feel "proud"; perhaps that through this your acceptance of others is increased. Other than that, I think it's a great essay!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Painting is my identity' - your extra-curricular activities - commonapp [3]

Good evening :)

OK, let's see:

"I never realize how quickly time passes when i"I" should always be capitalized, whether it is at the beginning of a sentence or not. indulge in making every nuance of color look impeccable while creating the perfect masterpiece. Painting; its more than just a hobby, itsAvoid contractions in formal academic writing; this should be "it is." my identity. I started to paint as it was an activity that could be confined within the 4The general rule for numerals in academic writing is that if the number is between one and ten, spell out the word; if it is 11 or above, using the numerals is acceptable. walls of a room. However, every timeipaint , my eyes are opened to a new perspective of the world. As idelve into the various subjects pertaining to the world, i recognize that iam missing out on being a part of it.

(New paragraph.) Over the years, painting has improved my patience, perseverance, and my strive for perfection; but above all, it has lead me to think with an open mind. It is a form of art where there are no inhibitions and i am free to explore the world. It has changed me from a reticent person to a mature, gregarious individual who enjoys living life on the outside."

I think it's an average topic, but you relate it to yourself well, which gives it more significance. I think with a little polishing it will be a great piece ready for submission. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with essay - why should we tolerate hateful speech [7]

Excellent point!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My leadership skills will benefit the university community and cause for a better society to live in [3]

I am concerned because you talk of your leadership skills and define leadership in many assorted ways, but you never discuss your skills or leadership experience(s) in any way; this gives the impression that your piece doesn't have any substance to it. Delve a bit deeper and explain exactly what your skills are and what you have used them for in order to make this a more meaningful piece.

Writing Feedback / How the internet has improved your academic experience. [5]

Good evening.

This website is to assist students with their academic writing. We help with editing, proofreading, grammar, and structure of pieces that students have written.
If you are looking for someone to write your paper for you or conduct research for you, I suggest you contact a paid writing service. If you have a piece that you have written 100% originally yours and you would like editing or proofreading assistance, you may post it here. If you seek something else, you will find a better match elsewhere.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / (prepare for future job/increase knowledge) Why people attend college or university? [3]

Good evening :)

As you didn't describe what kind of assistance you are seeking, I have edited the first section of the piece and included some general comments in regards to the remainder of it:

"Nowadays, the more people are attending college or a university after graduating high school. There are many different reasons which lead them to apply to a college or university, such as for new experiences, career preparation, and increasing knowledge. In my opinion, people attend college not only to prepare for future jobs but also to get new experiences in the life."

Make sure you are using enough transitory words, article adjectives, and linking verbs such as "is," "to," "a," and "the." These words are the "glue" that hold your sentence together and give it a fluid flow.

Your content is very well thought out and organized. Your paragraphs have great structure, and your opening and closing tie up the piece tightly. You use good beginning transition words, and it has a very clean, concise form to it. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Just started working on my Ph.D. [6]

Good evening :)

What kind of assistance are you seeking?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Art is not a thing; it is a way." - Elbert Hubbard - FSU Admission Essay. [5]

Good evening :)

First, a few mechanical suggestions. When writing formal academic pieces such as this, it is inappropriate to use contractions, so avoid them. Also, when using quotation marks, make sure your punctuation is always contained inside the marks. For instance, "create". should be "create." Also, your last sentence isn't grammatically correct. It should be "I might not be an artist yet, but I will be."

In regards to content, this is a great response to the prompt. The only thing that I would make sure to include is part of their question somewhere in the answer, preferably in the beginning, to ensure that it has a complete sentence to start it off. I would include the word "Artes" somewhere in the first few sentences to accomplish this.

Otherwise, a very finely crafted piece. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / help with organizing a short answer for UR [2]

Good evening :)

I suggest beginning with an outline. List all of the topics you absolutely want to include and then one fact and/or a supporting detail or story about that topic. You can include as many topics, facts, supporting details, or stories as you need to make a strong essay. Once you have that done you can rough out a conclusion; wait until the very end to write your introduction though. After all, how can you introduce something that you haven't even written yet?

I hope this helps get you started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'discussions and work' - Interest in Davidson/Contributions [2]

Good afternoon :)

I suggest moving from the past/passive voice to a present/active voice for this piece. For instance:

"I became interested in Davidson College during my sophomore year; I found it while flipping through a college guidebook. I had never even heard of the school; thus, I was a bit clueless as to what was actually offered. The more I researched the school, the more intrigued I became. The three main attributes of this school that especially appeal to me are the honor code enforcement, the liberal arts education options, and the fact that it is an all-undergraduate institution."

This helps your piece become stronger by conveying more confidence and being stronger in regards to the structural integrity of your sentences. I think your content is good, but it is your word choice and overall tone that is making the piece appear "weak" to you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / The best advance of the twentieth century - college essay prompt [4]

Thanks for clearing that up :)

This topic sounds like it just wants you to explain why you think this event is the most significant; there isn't anything in the prompt that leads me to believe you are to relate it to you personally.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon University admission essay [2]

Good afternoon :)

You have a great response to the prompt here; you answer all of the facets of the question without tiring out your audience. The only change I would make is to make sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences and proper nouns. For instance, "Health Professions Program" shouldn't be capitalized. Overall, a very nice piece. Keep up the hard work!

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Fr. Julian: Common App- influential person essay. [3]

This is a beautiful story. Now you need to link how he influenced you, and how you changed because of this influence. Link that together with this, and your essay will be wonderful. Nice work.

Undergraduate / (moved to Florida - bump in the road) + why UCS (campus and stadium) [2]

"My self" is one word: "myself."

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences; for instance, "Gold" and "Black" shouldn't be capitalized.

In regards to content, I think they both answer their respective prompts nicely; your explanations are vivid and thorough, without exhausting your readers. Good work.

Undergraduate / 'Helper and people lover / procrastination' - two UCF essays [2]

Good afternoon :)

Mechanically, only three suggestions: first, make sure when you are making a list to include a comma after every item in the series. For example, "...feel welcome, accepted, and appreciated." Second, avoid starting your sentences with transitory/linking words such as "because," "but," or "and." Third, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For example, "...take Precalculus, AP Literature and Composition..." These shouldn't be capitalized as they are neither.

In regards to content, both pieces are very well crafted, structured, and explained. Good examples are also included in your answers to these prompts. Overall, very nice work.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / I prefer working in the large company - more chances of promotion [4]

Good afternoon :)

I'm not sure I understand, but I'll give it a try. How about:

"Official documentation is accurately recorded, and promotions are free from corruption."

"Large companies provide more security for employees because they know what to expect out of every day, and there are fewer surprises."

I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Describe a personal service experience in your high school or community [2]

Good afternoon :)

Your essay is a bit technical; perhaps you can counter this by shifting the focus from the procedure being studied to you and more detail on what you gained from the experience. Spend more time talking about how you have changed from before you went through the program to the person that you are now. It is OK to give a brief description of the study, as it is essential to your paper, but don't spend four paragraphs on it. Instead, the emphasis, and thus more time, should be spent on what you waited until last to discuss; you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Fort Lee school, Rutgers undergraduate essay [2]

Make sure you are using proper linking verbs and article adjectives, such as "is," "the," "a," and "are" to maintain structural integrity.

Watch the form of your verbs; for instance "more smooth" should be "smoother."

Undergraduate / cohesive, successful, and supportive campus community? Essay for LU [3]

Good evening :)

Here are my changes:

"To me, fostering a cohesive, successful, and supportive campus community requires social and academic support and safety as well as good communication. A poor social life severely detracts from academics. Since fifth grade, I have changed schools every two years. I had to make new friends four times, and I was not very good at it the first few times. It was very hard to concentrate on school work when I literally had no friends. Luckily for me, that no longer is a problem; as my social life improved so did my grades.

While maintaining a healthy social life is important, understanding and concentrating on school work is even more so. I believe that it is important that if a student puts forth his best effort and still cannot do well, then he should be granted all the help he needs.

Safety is essential to a healthy campus. Students should never have to question their safety allowing their minds to be focused on schoolwork.
All of these things tie into good communication. A campus that has good communication should have very social students. It should also have good academic support as the students should help each other, and good communication should deter and prevent any crime."

It's down to 990, without spaces. I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Santa Barbara Application: Prompt #1 [4]

Good evening :)

I think the content of this piece is great; the story ties in directly to your answer to the prompt, providing a great illustration and explanation. Your voice and tone are confident yet humble, appropriate for the subject matter.

The only thing I would change are a few mechanical errors:

" Kaji, kaji," he said; it meant fire.

"...then finally with the old man who had taught me the Japanese word for " fire."

"...I'm confident..." Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing.

Other than that, a fine piece!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Compare and contrast two poems or songs focusing on sound and rhythm [4]

Good evening :)

You could begin by comparing/contrasting two works by the same author, two pieces from the same writing style, or two pieces with the same theme, subject, or topic. As with songs; you can choose two by the same singer/band, the same genre, or different genres for that matter. The choices are pretty much endless here, so do something you enjoy!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / My thesis for an essay on "violence in King Lear" [4]

Good evening :)

The quote means that in great texts, the authors didn't put violence in the pieces just to have violence (think "Pulp Fiction"); they always had a reason for any violent acts.

You are to choose a text that has literary merit (something substantial, not pop fiction or the like) which contains violent scenes and then explain how the scenes help develop, move along, or explain the overall tale/story/message the author is trying to convey. Don't just re-tell the story in your paper, analyze and interpret why you think the author put these scenes in; what purpose do they serve? Complete work means just that; the whole story/tale/poem, etc.

You need to find a story/play/poem/tale etc. that contains a violent scene; think "Romeo and Juliet," "The Jungle," "Crime and Punishment," "Hamlet," "Macbeth," or something of the like, read it, and analyze the violence in the piece. If you just regurgitate what someone else wrote you will not only probably plagiarizing, you will not be learning anything.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Stonybrook Essay - Rising Stars [3]

Watch the excessive and inappropriate use of commas. For example, "I had decided that Stony Brook University was the perfect University for me when I got an invitation to attend the Honors Preview Day. However, this day further strengthened my decision to go to Stony Brook University." Also, don't use the full name of the university over and over again; it is redundant and makes the essay seem too repetitive.

Grammar, Usage / Footnote/endnote - citing internet source [4]

Good evening :)

This citation format will depend on the requirements of your required citation style. For instance, MLA will probably require the citation to be different than if you are using APA or Harvard. I suggest you consult a guide for your citation style; many can be readily found online, and all you have to do is search for them through your internet search engine. For example, you could search for "APA citation style examples" or "MLA works cited page examples." They will be able to give you more appropriate information in regards to your citation requirements.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / I prefer working in the large company - more chances of promotion [4]

Good evening :)

Because you didn't describe what type of assistance you were seeking, I have edited the first section and then made general comments in regards to the remainder of the piece:

"We live in a time when every person can choose his or her own life, profession, and workplace. For individuals working in large companies, they seem more ambitious; others think working in a small company has more ways to express oneself . I would rather to work in the large company."

Make sure your subjects and verbs agree; for instance, "To begin with, the large company is more organized: everything is official, everybody are equal" should be "To begin with, the large company is more organized: everything is official, and everybody is equal."

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; instead, try using "me," "I," or "one."

What do you mean by "Every paper is all right, every promotion is honestly"?

Avoid abbreviations and symbols in academic writing; for instance, "the harder u work, the..." should be "...the harder you work the..."

Use linking/transitions words such as "because" only when linking two sentences. For instance, "In conclusion, I prefer working in the large company, because there more chances of promotion, because..." should be "In conclusion, I prefer working in the large company because there more chances of promotion and..."

Also, what does "...you are sure in every your coming day" mean?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Children should grow in big cities [3]

Because you didn't explain what kind of assistance you were seeking, I have edited the first section and made some general comments in regards to the remainder of the piece:

"Every parent wants to bring up hisIs every parent a male? If not, make sure you refer to both genders, especially when referring to plural "parents." child as good"Good" is an adjective generally reserved for explanations of things such as food; when referring to environments and the like, use "well," as it is grammatically correct. as it is possible. Place, where child is going to be grown, plays not last role in this process.This makes the child sound like a commodity, such as corn, which is "grown" in a field. Perhaps rewriting to something like, "The environment in which a child grows plays a large role in this process." Some people think growing in the countryside is safer , while others think that growing up in the city results in a child having more perspectives . In my opinion, a child should grow up in the city.

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Also, there are many good grammar guides online.

I hope this helps you get started!

Writing Feedback / Travel is in a group led by a tour guide may be expensive [2]

Good afternoon :)

Because you did not describe what kind of assistance you are seeking, I have edited the first section and then made some general comments on the remainder of the piece.

"Nowadays there are too many things which keep us stressed: our jobs, traffic jams, problems in personal lives. And of course, many of us want to forget these problems in exotic countries; sightseeing the seven wonders, a visit to place that youAvoid the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try "me," "I," or "one" instead. have seen in advertisement or just to open something new to oneself.The first question that has to be answered is, should travel be done in a group led by a tour guide or alone ?"

My main concern in this piece is grammar. For instance, "To start with, traveling in a group led by a tour guide is usually provides for average social class; however it is not always cheep." There is a spelling mistake as well as bad grammar in the piece. It should be something like, "To start with, traveling in a group led by a tour guide is usually accessible for the average social class; however, it is not always cheap."

To assist with grammar mistakes, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. To help with the spelling errors, run the piece through a spell-checking program such as Word or the Mozilla web browser to catch them. Word will also help you with some grammatical errors. Also, there are many grammar guides online.

Mechanically, make sure that when you are using quotation marks (") that your punctuation is enclosed in those marks. For instance, "kees ui", should be "kees ui,".

When using commas to make a list, make sure that you place one after each item in the list. For example, "Because I will have more experiences, more impressions, more information and more reasons to make my friends jealous" should be "Because I will have more experiences, more impressions, more information, and more reasons to make my friends jealous."

I hope this helps you get started.

Undergraduate / "think of the children." - Issue of Importance to You -- UT Essay B [3]

Good afternoon :)

While this is a "super hot topic" I think it does apply to the prompt. After all, the underlying issue, which you acknowledge, is civil rights and that is a topic with personal, local, political, international, etc. scope. I think by linking it very closely with being a civil rights issue makes your piece credible; it's not just standing on a soapbox shouting. It is very organized and you present your ideas/stances in a very calm, organized way, giving it more credibility. I think an admissions board reading this piece would identify that right away and notice that while it is an emotionally pressing issue, you do not let your feelings lead the way here. I think it is a wonderful piece, regardless of the controversial subject matter. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / The best advance of the twentieth century - college essay prompt [4]

Good afternoon :)

To start off, aren't orthodontists and dentists two different things? I mean, the dentist checks for disease, cavities, etc. and the orthodontist does things like braces, right? I'm not sure-that might be wrong :)

Which is it you would like to focus on? I think in order to make this a "life changing" topic, you need to relate it in some way to some other huge thing. For instance, isn't there research out there showing that people with bad dental hygiene have more heart problems? I think if you want to use this topic you really need to connect it to a concrete reason why it is so earth-shatteringly important. Was there an advent of some specific dental procedure or technology during the twentieth century that moved the field of dentistry along swiftly? Were there great changes in procedures or technology during this time period that significantly improved/advanced the profession? Anything along those lines. If you find that there isn't enough information on this topic, it might be easier to choose something else within the dental field, i.e. a particular technique or procedure.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UMich - Engineering short answer [2]

Good afternoon :)

As you did not describe what kind of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments about the piece.

First, make sure that your subjects and verbs agree. For instance, in your first sentence you use the plural subject noun of "things" but the singular "it." Instead, it should be the plural pronoun "them."

Second, make sure you are capitalizing all plural nouns; "pop tarts" should be capitalized.

In regards to content, it is a fitting response to the prompt; you acknowledge all of the pieces of the question. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / "cars in the 1950's" - i need a push start with this paper [2]

Good afternoon.

I suggest you begin with a rough outline, not right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?

List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.

Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.

I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Wat can u contribute by means of ur skills & expertise to mba participants? [4]

Good afternoon :)

This piece is a very well thought out and explained persuasive essay. Good work.

In regards to cutting down the words, how about something like this:

Working for two quality brands at various levels across two diverse industries helped me acquire skills indispensable, not only for an individual, but also for the team an individual is a part off. Teaching at an institute got me in touch with children and people from different stratas of society, and helped me understand very different aspects of marketing. Apart from analytical skills, I enhanced my communication skills appreciably at work.

Working in teams throughout my life helped me interpret the significance of teamwork. As a team leader and member, I sharpened my leadership skills considerably and realized how important motivation is for the team to succeed. Understanding team dynamics enabled me to achieve team targets resulting in early promotions. The ability to get along well with others equipped me to build a strong network where in I consider myself capable enough to source information from all across the globe.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'diagnosed with leukemia' -Common App: Person who has impacted me. [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. In regards to content, I think this is a very special piece that shows what kind of person you are. You describe someone so personally close to you and the impact of both his life and death; this is a great thing, which makes this a great essay. Nice work. I think it sticks to the prompt with no problems.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Italian families / Mother's cancer' - UCF Admission Essays [3]

Good evening :)

Both of these are wonderful pieces. They both fully answer the prompts, give great explanation, are well organized, and are mechanically clean. I don't think there's anything that I would change! Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Libby applies to FS University - FSU Undergraduate Essay [2]

Good evening :)

I suggest you begin with a rough outline, not right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?

List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.

Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.

I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "just do it because it's best for you"; My intended major - UC personal statement (transfer student) [2]

Good evening.

"Growing up I always challenged my mother when she said her infamous line, "J ust do it because it's best for you" on the subject of learning Chinese. My parents would often define the importance of being Chinese to me since our history was left behind in Taiwan after they immigrated to America. Therefore, to avoid arguments with my parents I would obediently attended Chinese school, but I was interested in being an active role model in the community than learning about characters and grammar, I decided to quit. Since my parents never gave me the encouragement that I needed when I was younger I realized it is never to late to learn about my own culture, which would give me the opportunity to go aboard and learn about the east Asian culture and teach others who are not familiar with the it.

At the age of fourteen I moved to Chino Hills and had to adapt to a new environment meeting new friends and teachers, but I needed to overcome the lack of confidence I had in myself. Yet I wanted to challenge myself, which is why I ran for freshman class president; however, I lost. Losing the election I thought I would return to the hermit crab that I was but instead it gave me motivation to try again because I didn'tAvoid contractions in formal academic writing. want to give up. I was elected as Commissioner of Hospitality my sophomore year and was able to help other new students similar to myself adjust to a new school life. Being apart of ASB gave me the leadership role that I needed and taught me to have confidence in myself similar to the qualities that a teacher would need in a classroom.

The end of my term in ASB I begun my junior year where I stood in the middle of all the chaos-watching students persuading other students to join their clubs I realized one major club was missing. I took on that initiative to start the Kiwanis Key club, a major non-profit organization (Remove comma) which brought students from different groups and together we united as one. I was able to give back to our community and also participated in well establish fundraising events such as(Remove comma) AIDS walks, Chalk W alk, Relay for Life, and the Make a Wish Foundation. During those events I was exposed to people from different backgrounds and was able to understand their community and culture. Till this day Key club is still the number one club on campus after three years. Knowing as I enter this high school, where I was once considered a nobody and am now a somebody, transformed me into a leader where students teamed with me to make a difference in our community.

Even though (Remove comma) I enjoy being a leader I also love the role as a student. Since I hope to travel to Japan someday I took the opportunity to study Japanese for three years. After my third year I became a tutor for level one and two students. Helping my classmates in Japanese made me discover the possibility that I am able to encourage others to study beyond the language but the history and culture as well. With that in mind I knew I wanted to become a foreign language teacher.

After graduating from high school I went from being a rebellious child who didn't care about her own history into not only wanting learning about the Chinese culture but other east Asian cultures as well.

(New paragraph) Taking from what I learned I am someone who has the leadership skills needed to guide a class and able to take on a challenge when the opportunity presents itself. Now that I'm given the opportunity to learn about the culture that I've once ignored, I chose the major of east Asian culture ."

Writing Feedback / Invisible Children (sociology essay) [2]

Good evening.

Mechanically, only one correction; make sure you consistently refer to the group as "the Invisible Children" as this is the proper capitalization of this organizational proper noun.

Otherwise this is a technically clean, well organized, well planned piece. The content is thorough and organized, with clear-cut paragraphs and transitions. An exceptional piece! Great work.

Regards,
Gloria
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