Writing Feedback / Ielts: The cement and concrete making process [11]


... It's always better to describe the diagrams separately;
The first diagram provides an overview of the process of cement production. It further illustrates the raw materials and machinery used in the process. The second diagram illustrates the concrete production with the proportions of the raw material used for mixing concrete.


... it is implied.

Writing Feedback / The Effects of TV on Society, especially on children; [7]

First, you should post this type of essays under "Writing Feedback" forum. Second, it is better you indicate the purpose of this writing so that we can align our comments accordingly. Whatever the purpose is, you need to have an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion for any essay. In the introduction, you need to introduce your topic. This looks like a short answer and I do not see any essay format here.

Graduate / I'm fascinated with dynamics of financial market; Educational goals/Masters (Finance) [3]


I think you need to open your essay with more punch;
The dynamics of financial markets always fascinated me and nurtured my aspiration of becoming somebody who could influence them one day.


... I dont find much value addition to your response by this line.... Sounds repetition of the same idea.... also, it should be financial markets and not market, because finance is a very diverse subject that deals with many areas such as bonds, stocks, hedging etc.etc. So better be on the plural side :D

Writing Feedback / "I'm not going to lie, I'm a liar" - my best lie yet is lying about lying [4]


....lol .... I meant your bad action.... and it's perfect writing :D


... I don't think so.... You write very well :)


.... I think this is it :)
A few more suggestions;


... the latter needs a bit of explanation, otherwise it may confuse the reader. Why you say your lies are truths. How about;
I do lie, but my lies are based on truth.

Writing Feedback / STOP BULLYING - Argumentive Essay [5]


Yes, it's only you can delete your posts. Since you have already got comments from others including moderators, you now need to purchase one or with credits. Follow this link to get more information regarding this: essayforum.com/faq/.

Please contact us should you need any further assistance.

Writing Feedback / An short essay - ways and reasons why people are escaping from the reality. [4]

I guess this is a practice essay for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, or even otherwise, you need to add a bit more flesh to this :D...Yes, your essay seem to be too short, especially the body paras.


.... you can elaborate on this idea and come up with a great paragraph. Always try to support your reasoning with examples so the the reader conceives your idea much faster and better. For example;

On the other hand, there are many constructive ways for escaping from stressful reality. Meditation, positive dreaming, listening to music, reading books etc. are more meaningful methods for one engage to relieve stress. For example, if you do yoga everyday for one hour, it helps you not only relieve your metal pressure, but also helps you achieve physical fitness too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2 : How should visitors behave when they travel in other countries? [3]


... why don't you stop at the point I highlighted. It reads much better that way. The latter tends to make the reader confused!


... you need to attend to this phrase! It sounds confusing to me.
Tell the idea with simple words and more clearly!


.... avoid lengthy sentences... the reader needs to memorize lots of details when your sentence is long and he does not like it. Present your ideas in clear shorter sentences!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Negative effect of modern life's pressures on family life [6]


... this idea is not clear at all.... you need to elaborate a bit more about what you mean by spiritual burdens. I don't find any reference to that in the forthcoming lines in this para... What do you actually mean?

Also, I feel you should concentrate on one solid reason per body para and tackle that alone. Don't crowd them with too many reasons for which you need to give too many examples.

Writing Feedback / "I'm not going to lie, I'm a liar" - my best lie yet is lying about lying [4]


I'm not going to lie - yes, I am a liar! ... Impressive beginning!


.... practice what? how to lie? ...this line is a bit vague!


....hey.... this is too bad!


They are crafted only to make my life witty and others's miserable, yet only temporarily.
I love your style of writing....Indeed you are a very witty person ... I had a good laugh while I was reading your essay :D

Good job and Keep it up!

Writing Feedback / Formal exams and Course Assignments; Which is better to assess students? [6]

First, you need to provide the prompt and the purpose of this writing to earn more relevant and useful feed backs from others. I guess, the topic of this essay is what your prompt suggests.

Overall, I feel you need to attend to your essay structure - make it more simple, interesting and less crowded with redundant words. Also, I feel you better adopt more direct speech in your sentence structures because it's more powerful in expressing your ideas convincingly. Also, don't forget to leave a blank line in between your paragraphs so that your essay would look neat and tidy. Your examiner will like it :)

Writing Feedback / IETLS; Should government spend money on preserving language? YES [6]


.... It's good if you had separated this sentence into a few for each idea. For example;
The people who believe that government should allocate funds in order to protect languages of small and insignificant communities, claim that it is a necessary measure to preserve their culture for their next generations. The reason is that language is the base of any culture and without existence of a language, it is difficult to have its culture survived.

... very good example!
Good writing and good luck!

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] Graph indicating the composition of transportations [3]


...Very good writing :)
I have no idea about the word count for this task.... All I can see is that you have a good understanding as what they expect from you at the exam.

Also, you have excellent writing skills and wish you every success in all your endures.

Writing Feedback / Increasing a number of students are choosing to study abroad [6]


... this is not wrong, but I prefer something like "very popular";
Studying overseas has become very popular during since last few years.


.... this is a confusing sentence. You need to re-arrange its order to convey your idea clearly;
Many parents and students consider that studying abroad is a worthy experience in terms of knowledge and exposure.


.... again this one sounds pretty confusing. Need to improve its clarity.

Undergraduate / I'd like to be a part of NUS; Appeal Essay for University [2]


By being in this organization, I began to think deeply about life and help others, especially the ones who are close to me.


... I find this is a bit too long and not properly organized. It's worth trying to improve its presentation!

Scholarship / The benefits of completing masters and contributions to the internationalization [2]



As a child, I dreamed of being someone I found in my favorite cartoons; One moment I wanted to be like Pocahontas and the next moment I wanted to change to Mulan.


... good point.... yes, you are correct!
When you are a kid, everything seems so easy. You feel the world is at your feet and you can do anything you wish.

Writing Feedback / Difference between Two Close friends [8]


In high school, I have two close friends but they have many differences in terms of characteristics and external appearance.


We are classmates and became close friends since 10th grade.


... there is no word "externality" ... you are referring to "external appearance". You can simply say "appearance" too.... Also you need to write names with capital letters; Thou

With regard to their appearances, Hang Ball is more beautiful with a fairer skin and black long hair than Thou.

Research Papers / Facial hair participation; Attempting the nearly impossible [5]


... tell change what!
Today, you don't see many bearded men frequently, but this phenomenon would change with time.


The number of men wearing beard is now on increase.


What does strike your mind when you see a bearded person?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Write a complain letter to manager about mobile phone is not working [5]


.... This is good advice from April April. Yes, the tone of your letter should tally with your purpose.


... change the order of this sentence to read to clear and convincing;
When I tried to make a call, I found it is not in order.


I was taken by surprise how such a new and expensive model could malfunction.

Graduate / MOTIVATIONAL LETTER - Sport Marketing MBA - first edit. [2]


I hereby with to express my keen interest in pursuing a Master's Degree in Sports Marketing offered by your prestigious institution.


Having reviewed various graduate programs, I am confident that UEM would offer me the best opportunity to complement my graduate studies with a strong focus on various aspects of sports marketing.


.... I don't understand what you mean by "structures"
I had the opportunity to get exposed to different cultures and that laid a great foundation for my innovative and leadership skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; İnformation about USA marriage and divorce rates [3]


.... the charts do not talk about the rates, but the numbers. Also, it is better to talk about the two charts separately;
The first chart illustrates the changes in the numbers the marriages and divorces have taken place during 1970 to 2000 in the USA. The second chart shows the figures of marital status of American adults during 1970 to 2000.


... avoid redundant words and pay attention to punctuation rules.

Graduate / World is increasingly polluted; Statement of objectives to Masdar Institute [3]


.... I don't get your idea in the latter part :(
Unfortunately, people do not seem to be worried adequately about protecting our environment.


Therefore I wish to be a part of a team that shares a great concern over deteriorating environment and make my best contributions to protect it for our future generations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people today have more power & influence than previous generations [3]

Well.... I think first you need to understand what your prompt needs. Here it is asking whether today's children are more powerful and influential than those of previous generations. So, introduce this same idea to the reader in a simple manner in your introduction. You can get lots of help from your prompt, but present it with differently without copying one to one. The most important thing in your essay is that you always keep a good alignment with the topic throughout your writing.

Writing Feedback / IMPACT OF VIOLENT MOVIES ON CHILDREN: introduction [4]


First, violent movies can have negative influence on children's behavior.



... this one is too weak as an example. You need to provide a more specific example for your reasoning. Elaborate a little more on this to convince your examiner.

Writing Feedback / How violent movies impact on young children? [3]

First, you should type a meaningful topic under the subject field when you open a new thread. It's an important forum rule. Also, you need to provide meaningful feed back to others' threads to have yourself in the active section again.


Nowadays, watching TV is a very popular entertainment mode for everybody including children.


They show various types of movies on TV that include violent movies too. The children however, are more attracted towards violent movies because they contain scenes of action with sound effects.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Alternative medicine can be dangerous? [4]


However, there are still people who believe in alternate medicines and also rely on them.


.... Very impressive introduction



You write extremely well.... Good structure, good grammar, good vocabulary and more than everything else, good ideas.
Good luck too! :D

Writing Feedback / Fast-pace lifestyle makes people pay more attention on making money than maintaining a healthy body [3]


... there are lots of redundant words and phrases here. I also find this idea is a little off from your topic as your topic talks about the correlation between sports facilities and public health. Introduce your topic as it is to the reader!... remember, your opening sentence gives the first impression about your writing skills and hence deserves better attention :)

Health is an important aspect for one to lead a happy and contented life and engaging in sports is one of the best ways to ensure a good health.

Now come to the argument!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Too much emphasis on examinations [5]


.... Good introduction and you write very well. But I wish if you expressed your opinion more firmly here so that you can guide your examiner better in your desired direction.


.... I think you need to improve clarity here;
... but they also help teachers to categorize students as per their level of knowledge.



.... again, this line is not properly constructed and therefore very confusing. What do you mean?

Writing Feedback / Nowadays big cities in many countries become overcrowded. Why? Give some reasons [4]


... you need to pay a little attention to grammar;
it is obvious / it is an obvious fact


... "caused" is past tense and hence it means this had been a problem earlier. But it is still a problem and therefore you need to keep this sentence in present tense.

You need to work on grammar a bit.

Writing Feedback / The role of teacher in modern society [6]

I guess this is for IELTS or TOEFL and if so, you are slightly touching the required word count, I guess :D
During your practice sessions, try to reach the desire count :)

Writing Feedback / Balance between both indoor and outdoor activities as they both are essential [8]


.... I agree with ArezuF ... redundancy makes your essay boring.


Like every person, children too need to learn how to use computers and other electronic devices in order keep pace with the modern lifestyle.
Well.... you haven't given us your prompt. So we don't know what it expects from you. Include your prompt next time, so that we can provide you with more relevant feed back.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Languages die every year......... Is this a positive trend? [3]

Well... you have roughly 218 words only and I feel that is not adequate for this task if you wish to go for a good score. You need to work on this aspect.

For example, in my hometown, we have a lot of songs and stories that are based on our own language.


....language is dead / language died


Secondly, the language is the core of a particular culture and therefore it is a treasure that needs to be protected to ensure the authenticity of different cultures and communities.

Writing Feedback / TV is dangerous for family bonds; Do you agree? [2]


TV has become a serious threat to family bonds because it affects adversely on communication between family members.


... claimed is past tense and hence it is not the right form of tense. This line should be kept at present tense.
You need to work on grammar a bit. Also, do not use keywords when you are not sure of their usage. They might have a very different meaning. For example;


Here, the word dispose is not the appropriate usage. Instead, you should have used a word like "believe".

Writing Feedback / Europe, America and Asia; The holiday of a lifetime [2]


.... honeymoon is referred to a vacation spent together by a newly wedded couple... is that what you are trying to say?
Last year I had a great opportunity to travel around the world with my friend.


Our trip extended to hundred days and we tried all modes of transportation, explored many different countries in Europe, America and Asia.

Undergraduate / "Which one is the smarter twin?"- Common App; background or story [9]


For as long as I can remember, there wasn't a day that I was not in comparison;


... this is not clearly expressed :( What are you trying to say?


Noelle and I auditioned for New York commercials when we were in elementary, purely because of the reason that we were twins.


... very impressive :)

Writing Feedback / ADVERTISING ; Useless & Useful depending on individual perceptions [2]


I think everybody finds that advertising is both useless and useful.


... I don't get the idea what you try to convey this sentence.
Also what's the purpose of this writing? Even your topic was too short and didn't describe on what theme your essay is based on :(

Undergraduate / Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels; Peace Corps. [3]


For me, love is a too short and simple answer and understanding what love really does mean is not an easy path for one to explore.


... yes... you need to improve clarity here.


The struggles we encounter give us great insights about life; they make us aware about the sufferings around us and how to overcome them.

Research Papers / Parenting tips for challenging child behaviors to help stop parent/child fights. [3]


I have often been victimized with insults, disrespect, verbal abuse and public humiliation caused by such fights and confrontations.


.... I like if you express this a bit differently, because your idea does not flow very clearly. I actually don't get your idea here.


You tend to believe that your child's intention is to disrespect you with his or her particular behavior.

Writing Feedback / How should girls and boys study? Should they attend separate schools? [2]


These lines do not have much relevance to your essay. In the introduction you are supposed to introduce the topic. So, whatever you say there need to have a proper alignment with your topic and should introduce the prompt to the reader. This is what I suggest for this line;

Boys and girls should be given due care in our society because they are the future of the world. Therefore educating them is also very important to guide them in the right path. Some say it is good to have gender mixed education while the others refute this argument.

Scholarship / Bachelor's degree in Nursing; SHORT & LONG TERM GOALS [2]


... I think this line does not add any value addition to your response. Since there is a word count limit, you better make use of every word you write for this response.


.... I guess that "pursuing my passion " sounds more appropriate.


.... this line is vague again especially the first section. Why you mention that you are still young? What's its link to this idea. It's not very clear and hence you better re-do this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Inclusion of Competitive sports in the school curriculum. [2]


I disagree with this argument and wish to discuss the advantages of inclusion of sports in the school curriculum.
You haven't provided a specific example for the first body para. Also you haven't ended the essay with a conclusion.