Posts by Kitsumi

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / "You are Not Special" ; Cornell Sup /Economics [15]

I like your essay! The intro drew me in, and it was a nice segue. In fact, I feel that every paragraph transitions nicely into the next. I just have three things to nit pick, a bit.

Is BusinessWeek supposed to be one word?

Should the relations in "School of Industrial and Labor relations" be capitalized?

I am not particularly good at grammar, but I feel like there's something off in this sentence. Would this work better?

A world in which countries can triple their GDP in a decade, where everything from the shirt on my back to the food on my plate has traveled thousands of miles to get there.

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / "Step Up 3D" / "Human Behavior" / "Harry Potter" - NYU Supplements [16]

This sentence repeated "interest" too many times, so I tried to re-word it.
I'm attracted to NYU's excellent cross-disciplinary programs in the social sciences, because I can find a study plan unique to me, for my numerous interests.

I don't think you need the "being", just put "while situated".

"pressure of grades".

I think you need a conclusion.

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / "Step Up 3D" / "Human Behavior" / "Harry Potter" - NYU Supplements [16]

Yay Harry Potter!! <3

You shared your experiences with your friend Harry, but you identified more with Draco? Fanon aside, Draco and Harry really did not get along until the last book.

This sentence needs to be revised.
Rather than identify with the protagonist Harry
"Rather than identifying with..." or something similar?

I love your last sentence. Although I think the dashes should surround -death and betrayal-, and -love and peace-.

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Worthless; Stupid; Failure, these words shackled every aspect of my life [5]

In diving myself into these activities I have discovered my worth, intelligence and success. I still struggle with the noise, but I have learned to appreciate the pain that I have survived through. My attempt to conquer my parents' words shaped and molded me into a person that I am proud of today. Without the struggles , I would not have progressed. Through negating those words I found not only happiness but my purpose. The adversity ~~the~~ I faced has taught me to perceive hardship as an opportunity to develop. I'm certain that there is more difficulty to come, and I am ready to see what I can learn from these future trials.

Good essay, overall. But what is the prompt?

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Studying Abroad/ U Rice - Unique Perspective [2]

This is a nice essay! You might want to check for run-on sentences though, like this one:
Prepared with only basic conversational skills, and with no ability to read or write Chinese, the teachers did not want to enroll me, afraid that I would lower the class mean scores.

Also, use the semi-colon instead of the colon.
On my first exam, I understood roughly two percent of the entire test, but thank goodness for multiple choice; I failed the test, 24 out of 100. Keep the formality, don't use "you" and "or something".

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / My testing scores and achievements - why Uchicago? [6]

a chance for me - no comma needed between

16 years ~~(back then)~~ - don't need that, past tense already implies back then

~~I mean~~ Where else can I experience them?

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / ICS program is one of a kind / Duke Sup/ Duke attractions [13]

It's a nice essay, there's just a couple of run-on sentences like this one:
Having attended a business-orientated magnet school for seven years and travelled across Europe and Asia, I have developed a passionate about a career in international diplomacy and business, and intend to major in International Comparative Studies (ICS) and minor in Economics.

You could try breaking them up, so the first part focuses on your schooling and travelling, while the second deals with your intended majors.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / How my twin influenced me - personal statement [7]

During my first week at COSMOS... During icebreakers... - Try to vary your vocabulary a bit. Don't use "during" in consecutive sentences. This applies to a lesser extent on the word, "icebreaker".

Other than that though, good essay!

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / Insecurity, Fear, Jealousy - UChicago / HUMAN CONFLICTS [4]

Try not to use "you" in your essay.

Soon, however - don't put a comma there

that I ~~conflicted~~ argued with - don't use the same words (conflict) too much. This can be applied to the rest of your essay.

You have some run-on sentences.

I realize that I have no "enemies" in individuals. Rather it is my own feelings of insecurity, fear, and jealousy that I have to overcome as a person. Although ~~I am not perfect and~~ I still sometimes let my emotions get the best of me, applying the philosophy that I have created for my myself has helped me tremendously. Not only has it resulted in a lower amount of conflicts, but also in a higher emotional satisfaction.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

I like your essay, but it seems very general. If you replace Queen's with another University's name, you would still get an understandable essay. What makes Queen's unique to you? Why do you want to be at Queen's in particular?

Also, try to vary your sentence structure. Don't use "I would like" consecutively. Alternatively, if you DO want to use them consecutively, follow the rules of three. Use it three times, no more no less.

This is a run-on sentence. Try to break it up.

Countless individuals who have demonstrated their dedication to the natural world through efforts in ecological rehabilitation during my 'journey' as an Ontario Ranger, and my role within the Macdonald Environmental Action Council, and Live Green Toronto has inspired me to make a difference.

Wanna look at my Queen's essay too? :D

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / '...since Facebook is blocked in China' - Chicago Short answer #2 Danza Kuduro! [3]

Your title is slightly misleading, since it makes me assume it's something about the Great Firewall of China, and that you're Chinese.

It's a little awkward here. "I did not know this was happening. We were playing basketball during PE class and I had to use the bathroom few minutes ago. I did not know what to do."

Try not to use "I did not know" twice. Also, you know this was happening. You just didn't know HOW (or I'm assuming you didn't).

Here, you're contradicting yourself. Your friend was the one that prompted you to dance in the first place, unless you're talking about a different friend?

"Man, I loved it!" she said, "I didn't know you dance!"

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

Kouteri
I researched Queen's Commerce program, so I won't be able to tell you much about Biology. But I do know that there are some international exchange programs, and I believe (this may be the wrong school) that Queen's offer an environmental biology major with some university in Singapore? I found stuff by pulling everything from the homepage, really. I haven't noticed in my first go-around, but where did your "childhood aspiration: to understand what life is" come from? It's coming a little bit out of the blue.

Other than that though, the conclusion is fine. Better than my definition essay's, at any rate.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / Bus Driver & Helping Others ; COMMON APP [4]

What is your prompt?

What is kismet?

What is the focus of your essay, is it how Levine taught you, the deeper reason to your desire to help others, or that a bus driver is not a respectable occupation?

For years now, I have been convinced that I will enter the pediatric line of work. Nonetheless, when asked "what do you want to do in life", I give the vague answer "I want to help others."

This is contradicting. If you have been convinced, then why did you give vague answers?

It is true that community service helps in fostering a passion; I discovered mine while volunteering as summer camp counselor.

How did this experience foster your passion?

Lastly, the part about Levine reminds me slightly of an About.com essay. I'm not saying it's bad, but don't throw something in there just because it was recommended.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / I am defined by my characteristics, beliefs, and perspective; McMaster; BHSC [2]

Another Mac applicant! :D

I agree with ParceledTongue, you can omit the "I believe" at the beginning.

My middle and secondary school years - put them in chronological order. Your entire paragraph talks only about your secondary school years though. Either incorporate middle school related things, or leave it out.

defined by my characteristics, beliefs, and perspective

So I see characteristics, but where is beliefs and perspective?

Wanna check out my mac essay too? :3

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Source of Energy; SOP for BS in Petroleum Engineering at Texas A&M [6]

As many psychology tests can attest to, the harder it is to help people the less likely they will be helped. I'd rather not give you my email, so if you want my help you'll have to post on this forum.

A note on this essay: it's slightly long, but it's fine if it's not over your particular word limit. I'm going to nitpick for grammar mistakes tomorrow, if you still want me to.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

This essay, like what admission2012 is saying, is way too general. Substitute UChicago with any other university name, and you would still get a readable essay. What is "free" about Chicago? What specific walls hindered you, and why would Chicago help you?

world's greatest learning destination

If that is the reason WHY you think Chicago can help you, please rethink a bit.

Moreover, the competitive students I will be surrounded by will provide me more encouragement to work harder and do better

This sentence does not flow well.

Overall, it's a nicely written GENERAL essay. If you were supposed to answer a question about why university is important then this would fit a lot better. Try to specify it more to Chicago.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / 'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement [7]

You spelled Quidditch wrong. There's two d's. Also, that part just feels awkward, like a last-minute add-on. Or is that an example of putting yourself out there?

Either indent, or leave a space for the next paragraph.

It's kinda funny, I pretty much have the same childhood as you :P Replace violin with piano, and voila!

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Picture Books/ Explore Beijing/ Friends/ Action; Tufts App/ Who am I? [5]

This essay is really random. Sometimes that's a good thing but it's not good for this one. It requires a focus, a point. What is the point of your essay? To show who you are? If that is the case, what does the flower show about you? Expand a bit more on the picture book. What was the story about? What made it memorable and indulging to you? Your stone house helped you escape reality, what things particularly about reality made you want to escape? How did your relationship with your best friend change? Your uncertainty scared you, did you overcome it? How?

This essay gave us only a glimpse of who you are, but it only leaves a lot more questions. Try to think of a central topic and build your examples around that topic. Also, most universities know who you are and how old you are when you apply, so you don't really need to include your name and age, unless you feel that makes you different from others.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / 'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement [7]

moon05
My hands were never tied to anything, no. And I am qualified to teach piano now (although I have no students -.-). I was however, forced to play violin with my elbow on a wall because I kept moving it the wrong way. My violin teacher recommended it. Of course, I was 14 as opposed to 3. And I was the one asking for lessons.

I've come to realized that they to strive in providing me all of the things they weren't able to have nor do

Watch your verb tenses. Also, your answer just seems a lot more wordy.

As I grew older, the pressure from my parents became more tolerable however their efforts have definitely influenced me to be a better individual

As I grew older the pressure lessened, but their influences remained, encouraging me to be a better individual.

My parents' determination to provide me with the very best the world can offer as well as their never ending support

Again, wordy.

Wordiness in essays may sometimes feel like a good thing, but when an admissions officer have thousands to look over, conciseness is key.

Also, don't use contractions.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Future Profession/ Compassion/ Responsibility/ PERSONAL RESPONSE/ Why NURSING? [2]

This essay is extremely long, and after a while a bit tiring to read. Your paragraphs are a wall of text. Try to separate them a bit more so it's spaced out better. In a formal essay like this one, don't use contractions. I haven't fixed any for you, you'll have to do that yourself. Vary your diction; this applies to all words, not just "nurse".

Your ideas repeat over and over; I didn't want to be a nurse, I didn't know I want to be a nurse; I was born to be a nurse. That's how I felt after reading the essay. You spent a long time describing your future as a photographer, and other than the helping people part, it's not that important to being a nurse.

Do try to cut down your essay. Admission Officers have hundreds if not thousands to look through, and long ones don't appeal that much. I hope this helps.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [9]

I've only commented on 28 essays so far, but many share the same issues. I don't know if this is the right thread to post here, but I really want to mention it.

1. Don't use contractions. E.g. "do not" instead of "don't", "I am" instead of "I'm", etc.

2. Variety is the spice of life. Vary your vocabulary, use the thesaurus if you have to. Just don't put the same word twice, it gets repetitive.

3. Alternatively, you can use the rule of three. You can use it to repeat the same word/phrase/sentence starter three times. You can only repeat it three times, no more no less.

4. You. Yes, you. i know you want to feel like you're reaching out to the reader, but don't put the word "you", "your", "yours", or any other form of "you" in your essay. It's informal.

5. What is it about this specific university? Most university prompts are similar, stuff like "How you can contribute to _____ uni", or "How will you interact at ______?" Give specific things about the university. Does it have a special program? Is it awesome (and if so, in what way)? If I were to substitute another university's name into your essay, would the essay still make sense? If it does, the essay is too general.

6. DO NOT CAPITALIZE. It is extremely informal and a pain to read.

7. Run-on sentences are extremely long and tiring, and they aren't good for your paragraphs because they are super long and contains way too many ideas, which really need to be separated into different sentences, one for each idea or two, and they are obvious in that if the sentence is longer than two lines, then it is probably a run-on sentence.

I hope this helps.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Things Don't Follow A Plan! Transfer Reasons & Objectives [5]

I am not looking to join a sorority, rally at a college football game, or binge drink on Thirsty Thursdays. I'm looking for a genuine college experience, a place where I can further develop my interests, foster my creativity, and share life changing experiences with a diverse student body.

I don't know what college you're looking at, but what type of college experience is it when you don't have binge drinking, football rallies, or sororities? Of course, I'm saying this from a stereotypical view gained from watching too many American high school/college movies.

Things like losing weight, winning the lottery, or following your New Year's resolution. Things like moving furniture with your girlfriend

Do not use "your". This is a formal essay, and "you" is informal.

Overall, this is a very good essay. It explains your issue with your previous school, as well as your aspirations for your future school. Good job! :)

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [9]

Number 8: Indent or put a space between your paragraphs. This way they don't look like a jumbo wall of text.
Number 9: Parallel verb tenses. If you used -ing for the first part of the sentence, chances are you need to use -ing for the second part.

Elaborating on number 5: Is there a particular teacher that is plain AWESOME????? If so, put their name in your essay. That'll make it look like you researched the university thoroughly. Use rate my professors for ratings.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

The international programs and array of biological disciplines are simply fascinating (because I'm assuming that you still find them to be fascinating? )
Elaborate more here. Do you have any particular biology major you want to go into? Any particular exchange program you're interested in?

It is my intention to apply my initiative to Queen's University community by taking part in student groups such as the AMS and Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society

I liked your first draft's part better. It's just personal preference though.
I will contribute to Queen's dynamic atmosphere by taking part in student groups such as the AMS and Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society

I like your last sentence, keep the Queen's Alumus. It gives you more connections to Queen's.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Things Don't Follow A Plan! Transfer Reasons & Objectives [5]

Well, this is personal preference at this point but... here:

a perm number

What is a perm number?

This promotion leads to students working together

You don't really need "promotion" in this sentence.

but I say it is well appreciated

Well worth it , maybe? Or 'well calculated '?

life awaits me. Change awaits me

I think change should go before life. Since you know, you need to change before life can go on, if that makes any sense?

Also, can you look at my definition essay? Thank you :)

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Source of Energy; SOP for BS in Petroleum Engineering at Texas A&M [6]

@Kouteri did a very good job. Are you sure that PSE's are supposed to be 1 to 2 pages, single spaced? Because I think most are 1 to 2 pages, double spaced.

You're using "I have..." to begin your sentences a lot. Try to vary your diction and use other sentence starters.

2-3 years studying.

Spell out the numbers, as this is a formal essay.

I've been

Do not use contractions.

Overall, the essay is fine. Quite long, but as long as you're certain it's supposed to be single spaced, then you're okay. It reveals a lot of details that cannot be received from your transcripts.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Physics&Astrophysics /ANL/KICP/Culture/Curriculum; Why UChicago? [4]

First impressions are as important, if not more so, than actually reading the essay itself. After all, an admissions officer have to read through hundreds, if not thousands, of essays. So, when I am faced with a gigantic wall of text, I am not extremely encouraged. Indent or put a space between your paragraphs. From what I see right now, there's 3 large paragraphs and 1 small one in the first essay; I think you can separate them into more paragraphs.

I really like the details about UC you put in this. This essay won't make sense if the name is replaced by another university, which is great. Your grammar seems fine at a glance (I'm not nitpicking right now).

Optional:

Although I have yet to immerse myself in the works of philosophies of the greatest philosophers like that of Plato's, Kant's, Descartes' and others, the book, God Delusion, has certainly made impact on my disposition towards my surrounding and my methods of thinking

Run-on sentence right here.

Hinduism; the seeds

You don't need a semi-colon here, it just breaks the flow of the phrase.

There is no connection between God Delusion and Cosmos. It's a bit jarring. The conclusion is beautiful, but doesn't relate to God Delusion at ALL.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / 'my character of a helper' - RICE SUPPLEMENT (UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE) [2]

First impressions are as important, if not more so, than actually reading the essay itself. After all, an admissions officer have to read through hundreds, if not thousands, of essays. So, when I am faced with a gigantic wall of text, I am not extremely encouraged. Indent or put a space between your paragraphs. From what I see right now, there's 3 large paragraphs and 1 small one in the first essay; I think you can separate them into more paragraphs. I'm copying this comment directly from another one, but it still applies here.

and ~~of course~~ Saudis heritages

shown through actions, which is why

As My father was the first from his family to venture overseas to acquire an education ~~he got~~ , for the sake of me and my family so that we may stand where we stand today.

their time and mine.As far
Space after your period

With regards to my academic society, there is much I have experienced and learnt.

Overall, your writing flows very nicely. There's a lot of information though, and your essay is very long. Are you sure you're double spacing your essay?

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

Yeah. It's always better to be specific when writing application essays, they really want to see that you've researched them.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [9]

Elaborating on number 8: First impressions are as important, if not more so, than actually reading the essay itself. After all, an admissions officer have to read through hundreds, if not thousands, of essays. So, when I am faced with a gigantic wall of text, I am not extremely encouraged.

English essays will get better as long as you keep writing and improving them. May I suggest read some english books for leisure? You'd be surprised at how much easier writing becomes after reading a bunch of good books.

Number 10: Spell out your numbers. You are probably writing a formal essay, and that means you need to write out your numbers. As in, one, two, three, four and five. Not, 12345.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / We need to give respect to our traditions and prevent to going the wrong way [4]

This is a formal essay, so do not use colloquialism like "Nowadays" or "way more".
If everything in your list except one is singular, then make that one singular. i.e. phone, electricity and transport.
Capitalize World War One and World War Two. Alternatively, use WWI and WWII. As this is a formal essay, spell out your numbers.
Developed countries . Also, "developed" does not need to be capitalized.

The most advanced science they had became the most powerful nation in the earth

Whichever country that had the most advanced science became the most powerful nation on Earth.

And kill ,rob happened every corner

This does not flow at all. Watch your verb tenses too.
Comfort is the noun. Comfortable is the adjective.
Your second to last paragraph is riddled with sentence fragments. Try to connect some together, and add a subject/object to the ones lacking one.

People will never lost when we remember our root.

There are two ways to interpret this. Do you mean:
1. People will never get lost when we remember our roots.
OR
2. People will never lose when we remember our roots.

Both have different meanings.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

Something's not sitting right with me here.

More than arcane knowledge hidden within moldy textbooks, for me biology is the bobbing of canoes

Maybe... "Biology is more than arcane knowledge hidden within mouldy textbooks. For me, biology is..."
Also, mouldy is the Canadian way of spelling. Learn something new everyday.

Everything else flows really well though! I like your diction, it creates some nice imagery.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Highly Intellectual,Physically robust, Virtuous & Fair; C APP/ I would choose to do! [3]

impeded my success in my rowing career

impeded my rowing career.

and honestly I have yet to

This is a formal essay. Don't have colloquialisms.

attending church twice a year

contradicts

a family of devout Italian Catholics

throw of the yoke of responsibility

Do you mean, "throw off "? Also, what is a "yoke"? This may just be an individual specific question.

In summary, if were able to throw of the yoke of responsibility towards others and preparing for a lucrative career, I would attempt to mold myself to become the absolute best I can be in all aspects of life

Run-on sentence.

I like your vocabulary. It's very diverse, I see you have used some SAT words :D

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Dr. Waldo made a sudden appearance - U Chicago/ Where is Waldo, really? [10]

just some constellation and list of star

Capitalize your title.

Case Date and Observation

Do you mean, Case Data?

Spacing wise, leave a space before each title. That way the essay is not so chunky.

a circular glass

Somebody already mentioned the pants, but glasses too always come in pairs.

Some issues with your dates: is it mm/dd or dd/mm? Because the first couple dates are very vague. This is just me being nit picky though.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Book Reports / What is an easy book to do a book report on? [15]

The Chrysalids. Nineteen Eighty-Four. War of the Worlds. The Time Machine. Actually, any George Orwell book. Any Shakespeare work. Any Jane Austen work. Any BrontĂ« sisters work. Any Charles Dickens work.

The Giving Tree is a rather complex picture book, I think. Use of whitespace, colours, imagery with words, etc.

And if you really want to dig deep, Harry Potter. It may seem simple at first glance, but there's some rather interesting conspiracy theories going on.

My personal favourites are George Orwell books. They're all fairly dystopian, which might be why I like them so much. Plus, they rarely end in happily ever afters.

Kitsumi

Jan 4, 2013

Undergraduate / "CAN DO" ; Personal Statement/ Mechanical Engineering-SUNY Maritime [2]

Most of the time, I would disassemble a device, just to have a look at its construction that's why I chose to be a Construction Mechanic for the Navy and during those days I fully realized my passion to know more about mechanics.

This sentence can be divided into 3 smaller ones.

When I arrived in the US I felt like a newborn who had to learn everything from the beginning.

I was challenged to step out of my comfort zone. After a short period, I joined the United States Navy Seabees. The "Can Do" soon became my motto.

These two can be combined into one paragraph.

because I'll be around

Again, no contractions.

Kitsumi

Jan 4, 2013

Graduate / HR Manager; Speech Pathology PS/ Education/ Experience/ Career objectives [3]

that I was tasked to resolved

I think you mean, tasked to resolve.

Power Phrases, Lifescripts, and How to Win Friends and Influence People

I think all these titles should be in quotation marks?

This essay clearly showcases your experience and thought process. It also answers the questions without disrupting the flow of the wording. Great essay!

Kitsumi

Jan 4, 2013

Graduate / Knowledge, responsibility, hard work and dedication ; MPH SOP for US university [4]

Do not use & unless it is in a title. It's unnecessary and only makes your essay informal.
Add "a", "the", or some sort of article before your nouns. Or at least, some of your nouns.
Add "has", "had", or some variation of "to have" in front of a couple verbs.
You're writing in the past tense. USE PAST TENSE. This means no "are", "is", or "expects".
You just have issues with verbs, so I suggest you look some articles up.
You need a subject for your sentences. For example, where is the subject in this sentence:

Work hard for my dream

Please, use Microsoft Word or anything that has a spellcheck.

Kitsumi

Jan 4, 2013

Undergraduate / NURSING VOLUNTEER; COMMON APP extra curricular activites [7]

If I remember correctly, the "describe an extra curricular activity" part is a short answer in the Common App, with a character limit of 1000? The character limit includes spaces, btw.

And just a word of advice for any of your other essays. Space your paragraphs. I can't see ANY paragraphs just from glancing, all I see is a gigantic wall of text.

Kitsumi

Jan 4, 2013

Undergraduate / Marketing Supplement for Emerson/ Choosing the major [3]

Overall, it's an average essay. The introduction was nice and provided some interesting stats, and it was a clever hook. However, your second paragraph feels like you're just listing. You have a lot of "I" sentence starters. Try to vary your diction a bit more.

Also, this essay can be used to apply to any college. What is it specifically about Emerson you like? If I replace the name with another university's, will I still get an understandable essay?