Writing Feedback / Staying in one place and living in different area. [2]

Hi intiaiqbal92,

DISREGARD THE PREVIOUS EDIT, TAKE THIS ONE HERE;

So to start with I have a few bullet points for you;

* Keep usage of words to a minimum as much as you can (avoid repeating them )
* Keep your essay simple and understandable, use words that are conversational
* Proof read all the time ( this helps a lot)

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In the past, people usually STAY in one place throughout their life. These days, people often move around. They ( DELETE "OFTEN" AS YOU USED IT ALREADY) live in several different places in their lifetime. What are the advantages and disadvantages ( DELETE "of both", MAKES THE SENTENCE CONTRADICTING?

NORMALLY, (CHANGE "Basically",ITS ALREADY A HOUSEHOLD WORD) people want to live in the most comfortable zone.That's why most people just stayed in a one place in the old days, they want( DELETE "ed", ITS AN ONGOING ACT) to (ADD "BE" ) close to their family and their friends, while this gradually makes them to be a socially awkward PEOPLE ("persons" IN ENTIRELY WRONG AS YOU ARE REFERRING TO A GROUP) . However, for some (DELETE "others, they",UNNECESSARY) nowadays THEY prefer moving to different places in order to gain new experiences and have more job opportunities, but this leads people to experience culture shock and they pay more money. Thus, I personally argue that living in the same place is a good decision to have a peaceful life.

The positive effect living in one place is having a convenient life ( CHANGE "since" TO BECAUSE) when people have problems, they (CHANGE "enable" TO - ARE ABLE) to be supported by their family. (CHANGE "This is because" TO - THAT IS WHY) they stay nearBY their relatives. However, this trend has A drawback as well, that is, staying in one place will lead TO socially awkward character. For this reason, humans do not know about what happens in the world and they tend to be nervous when they meet a new person. In other words, to live in the same place is good but it has more disadvantages THAN ADVANTAGES TO people.

Turning to the people who like TO go around to unusual placeS, this also has some advantages. People are definitely gaining new experience with the new culture in a new environment. This makes people knowledgeable about how to socialize with others in different culture. Then, people would have many job opportunities, particularly when they move to a city with lower unemployment rate. On the other hand, this issue can be costly. Even though people may have a home to sell, they would still need a new place to live and would spend money driving to the city in advance and LOOK for a new home. Thus, culture shock is the matter that usually happens when humans live in a new place. All in all, it is true that moving TO a new place is the best decision for someone who want to change his whole life.

In conclusion, although some people believe that growing up in A different place would improve people's life, I would argue that people who are living in the one place automatically have easier life. It is imperative that someone should consider about where he want to continue his life.

Writing Feedback / Some personal data about me, my family and plans for the future - Introducing myself [3]

Hi Daly,

Just to share with you, for a Vietnamese, your English is pretty good, practice will make it even better, I love the fact that you listen to English music to push and learn more. I would also like to add that signing up for English classes or simply talking to people who speaks english will really help a lot. Now, find the corrections below;

My full name is Daly Den. I'M from Vietnam. I was born and grew up in a peaceful countryside in the central of Vietnam. When I was thirteen I moved to an active city, which is Ho Chi Minh City.

Twenty years ago, I DREAMT THAT in the future I would go abroad to study and now that dream CAME true.
I got married twelve years ago. About my family, I have two children both of them are boys. The eldest son is ten years old, HE'S IN FOURTH GRADE and another son is four years old, he is in the KINDERGARTEN. So when I go far from my family I MISS them very much and they also MISS me.

I work as a dean of Information Technology IN THE faculty at NNT College. It belongs to BBN.
My husband and I have the same major AND we met each other when we were IN the same class at THE university. Now we have the same jobs and the same position but different universities.

When I have free time I always play badminton with my friends and listen to English music because I want to improve my English skills.

Before I become a PhD student in this university. I have two years OF study IN my country but I WAS UNLUCKY AS my supervisor DIED after two years OF WORKING together. After that, I felt very disappointed to MOVE ON. ONE day, I HAD a chance to go to abroad to study so now I become a PhD student in this university.

Writing Feedback / In different parts of the world kids are involved in some paid jobs, but it is harmful to them. [4]

Hi cldales,

Kindly find my help below;

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

There are many parts of the world today where children are involve(d- ongoing event) in compensated jobs. While others sternly argue that is (is- delete) justifiable for the kids to work, others think that such experience allows children to be responsible, it lets them value work more and the workplace gives them avenue to learn about life in general. In this essay, I will discuss both arguments and state my opinion about it.

It is understandable for some to feel dreadful about the idea of paid work among children because of the negative impact it brings to the child's physical and psychological well-being. For one, kids are not physically ready to tackle on jobs that require power and strength such as in factories where an employee transports materials from one place to another. Second(ly- can delete), the mental demand a job brings is outright unmanageable by the youngsters. An example to this is the pressure to ensure that a daily sales quota is met. It is therefore, unnecessary for children to be associated with any type(s-delete) of work because of its demands, physically and mentally.

On the other hand, some people('s - delete) belief (about the - replace with "that") positive influences that a job has on children especially on the areas of value on work, learning and responsibility is also agreeable. Early exposure of kids in the work(ing - add) environment teaches them lessons that are significant in adult life. This gives them a perfect ground to know some skills not taught inside the classroom. For example, the continuous communication between different employees in an organization is an important element to get a task done perfectly. For children, this teaches them social skills and it enhances their mental acuity. Hence, the lessons learned by children in the workplace provide them assets that are relevant in adulthood.

Though there are advantages on the involvement of children on some kind of paid job, I disagree on this argument. I believe that young kids must devote their time learning at school or playing with other kids instead of finding themselves on the pressures of adult work life. They must be allowed to be kids, away from the stresses of the work environment.

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Cldales, your essay is written pretty well. I just have few tips;

* Proof read - before submitting any written material, proof read it, it never fail to tell you that there is more to what you've already written

* Punctuation marks - little details that makes a difference

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Learning about foreign countries by watching and travelling [3]

Well IqbalThemi,

There's a huge difference with just watching movies so you learn about a country to going there, being there and feeling the country itself.

Don't forget that people who make movies have a different agenda as to people who want to learn more and explore a country.
The best one though is to find balance and as they say, "to see is to believe", so go out there, conquer the world and walk your tireless feet, enjoy and keep learning.

Best of luck!!!

Writing Feedback / Families who do not send their children to government-financed schools should not be required to pay [2]

Striker,

Mind the following;

- spelling
- redundant words
- proof read before sending an article

Thank you

Writing Feedback / As the media are growing, their influence are becoming more widely [2]

Hi,

Kindly find my help below;

As the media are(IS) growing, their influence are(IS) becoming (more- DELETE) wide(ly-DELETE). This is why many people argue that (people- EXCESSIVE USE OF THE WORD, REPLACE WITH "it") will be difficult to avoid the impact of (the - DELETE) media in our daily activities.

... I strongly believe that nowadays the media help people(S) life(LIVES) become more easily(EASY) because this provides many ...

... reduce face-to-face interaction of people in as much ( MIND CHARACTER SPACING) as they can communicate using ...

As it can be seen from the instance, the media (have been- DELETE, REPLACE WITH "has") replaced the function of ...

... media causes the number of crimes increase(s-DELETE) dramatically. There are about 20 cybercrime cases every day(EVERYDAY), and it indicates that (...) sending blackmail(, - DELETE) or stealing credit card's(CARDS) personal identity number.

... there are many advantages that the media provide in people(S) daily lives. First(ly - DELETE), the media help people keep ...
... to communicate such as Facebook, Twitter(, - DELETE) or Instagram. Second(ly - DELETE, SUGGEST USING, "Next"), the media assist people to ...

... and all of the lessons or tricks will (be - DELETE) appear(ed - DELETE). Also, the media can be use(d - ONGOING ACTION) to optimize the learning and teaching ...

Video tutorial for instance, it(IT'S) always (be-DELETE) used by teachers to teach ...

All in all(SUGGEST TO REPLACE THE WORD WITH,"In conclusion") despite the disadvantage (...) and make people(S) work finish easily.

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Ainun, proof read your answer before submitting, this really helps a lot, mind the punctuation marks too and a little help on vocabulary via our trusted friend at Miriam Webster will not hurt.

"till then, Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Journal essay (welfare state) [3]

Hi Geoff,

Kindly find my help below;

If I was Head of State of any given (state - DELETE OR TRY RE-PHRAISING), there would be a lot of decisions that I would have to make.

A welfare state, by definition is a government that provides for the welfare(, - DELETE PUNCTUATION ) or the well-being, of its citizens completely. A government as must be involved in citizens(' - DELETE PUNCTUATION) lives at every level.

This(, - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK, NO NEED FOR EMPHASIS OF THE WORF "THIS") obviously sounds great, however there is a great deal of responsibility involved.

Kenya's main problem is that the government does have enough money, in general to take care of its citizens, in terms of health care and education, which is very unlike(UNLIKELY FOR) Canada's case.

This is why I am following Canada's routs(ROOTS), where I will do my best not to provide too much for the citizens, as eventually many of them will become dependant (DEPENDENT)on the government. It's all about rationing the goods and services in moderation and properly(PROPER MANNER). My main goal (and purpose - DELETE, REDUNDANT BECAUSE "GOAL AND PURPOSE" HAS THE SAME MEANING) is to create equality for my citizens and maintain a strong welfare system!

Alright Geoff, overall this essay is good. You just have to take note of the following;

> mind the punctuation marks (,.?!:;)
> turn your spell check on your computer, this helps a lot
> before submitting any article, PROOF READ it!

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Smoking law that was inflicted on Quebec, use examples in relation to Jeremy Bentham [2]

Hi Geoff,

Kindly find my help below;

Many people were satisfied(;- DELETE PUNCTUATION) however, there were many people that were upset after this law took place.

Bars were the main place people used to go to if they wanted to smoke publicly (inside). Because of this new law inflicted, bars lost (of-DELETE) a lot of jobs, and statistics show it.

Jeremy Bentham, a well-known philosopher deeply believe(d - DELETE) in the concept of Utilitarianism.

The bar owners definitely believe that the law should be reversed, especially because they are losing significant amount(s-DELETE) of money.

On a different note, I believe that this law will promote success for(IN) the future. Smoking is a terrible habit and it is about time the government start(ed - DELETE, ITS AN ONGOING ACTION) to do something about it.

This leads to better health standards (as smoking is terrible for the human body), and better awareness so to speak. Overall, the new smoking law is benefiting more people and is leading to the most amount of happiness possible, which Jeremy Bentham would totally agree (on-DELETE).

Geoff, you're getting there, this article is good but then again,make sure that you PROOF READ your material, mind the punctuation marks and don't use if they're not necessary, try to send you message across using casual and conversational words.This will draw more readers.

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / The United States is labeled with a land of opportunity. My Study Objective for fulbright [2]

Hey Fadlan,

Kindly find my help below;

The United States is labeled (with - DELETE, REPLACE WITH "as") a land of opportunity which is dreamed by almost all Indonesian professional young people to continue their studies. As a super power country, American universities are preferred by people that want to learn more about theory of their previous education, especially when it comes to social science. One of the theories is a quantitative theory of international relations which is commonly known as event data in foreign affairs. The theory is(HAS) drawn my attention dramatically to be an expert on foreign policy analysis as the theory is not well-implemented in my country. For this reason, I am passionately interested to pursue my master(S) degree in the field of Foreign Policy Studies in the United States with the concentration of Word Event Interaction Survey (WEIS) theory which is coined in the USA.

Event data in foreign policy analysis is a study which analyzes a foreign relation pattern by formulating quantitative data. This study is well developed in many universities in the USA such as university(University) of Marryland, university(University) of Chicago, University of Michigan, Johns Hopkins University(, - PUNCTUATION MARK TO DELETE) and University of Kansas. This study is completely relevant to my educational background, bachelor degree in International relations, with the needs of the college where I am currently working. A master's(MASTERS) degree program will provide me with more in-depth learning and advanced training so that I will have the expertise I need inside and outside the (IN THE) academic world. Indeed, a master's(MASTERS) degree will enhance my academic qualifications and help me gain professional development as a lecture(LECTURER OR PROFESSOR) at Universitas Nasional Jakarta and continuing my career in regional representative council.

My bachelor thesis which presents Event Data Analysis brought me to be a lecture assistant at Universitas Nasional Jakarta since I (was - DELETE) graduated from undergraduate degree(???? - REPHRASE). Furthermore, this analysis (was - DELETE, MIND TENSES) also (sent me to - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH, "granted me to") be a special staff in regional representative council. I have realized that this study is strongly needed to(IN) Indonesia as a democratic country which has a great relation to other countries especially America. By analyzing a quantitative data, the government can see the pattern of foreign relation and can decide the next steps in formulating foreign policies in order to reaching new agreement, gaining bilateral (and multalareral - DELETE) cooperation(, - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK)or diplomacy and organizing lobby. So as to this condition, I always teach the study to the students with the purpose of enhancing more experts in event data analysis theory.

After finishing my master(MASTERS) degree (someday- DELETE), I would like to pursue a doctorate program in (THE) field of international political economy. Then, I would like to devote myself to my country. As far as I am concerned, political economy is interesting to be analyzed since my country, Indonesia, used to be governed by political economy and monetary crisis circumstances in a reformation era (OF) 1998(,- DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK AND REPHRASE NEXT SENTENCE) (IT) made Indonesia becoming(BECOME) a country that has appealed for in the analysis from the perspective of political economy. Furthermore, I also wish to get involved(INVOLVE) in a policy-development role in my country through my basis on academic field. I believe that taking master(MASTERS) degree in the United States would provide me with the best preparation to embark (my career afterwards -REPHRASE TO " in a new and challenging career").

Fadlan, your letter is good but you have to take note of the following;

> punctuation marks - these little details in your letter means more than you think they are.
> spell check - turn on that spell check in your computer, believe me it will be your BFF
> PROOF READING - make it a habit to proof read any article or write up that you do, it doesn't only assure you that your work is fantastic, it also lets you see what improvements you can still make with your article.

Best of luck!!!

Scholarship / 'wanderlust in life' - My favorite word and why scholarship essay [2]

Hey Shayna,

Kindly find my help below;

... I still found(FIND) myself lost and in tears. I never understood why I was drawn to the rush of wandering (off - DELETE), but it was something that stuck with me as I grew (UP) .

..., It is only right (THAT) I explain its definition.

I dream about swimming with the dolphins in Maldives, or going fishing in the Bahamas(; - MIND PUNCTUATION MARKS) all while giving thanks to the man ...

I want to be wanderlust in life(, - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK) and love.

Writing Feedback / Overusing of a common language encourages people to invent a new language for communication [3]

Mohjawahir,

Personally, inventing a new language will mean more damage than usage, reason being, a new language would only mean a lot of confusion more than it being an effective way of communication.

Cheers!!

Graduate / SOP for German international program in Petroleum masters: suggest for the improvement of It. [2]

Hi Vivek,

Kindly find my help below;

I wish to pursue Master of Science in Petroleum Engineering at XXX. My future career goal is to join a dedicated research team at a premier university where I can earn credibility, not just credentials. I aim to be a pioneer in developing new technologies that will benefit society. When I decided to pursue my master's(MASTERS) degree, I researched thoroughly and came to know that Germany is the best place for it. It has world class technical universities, which provides standard education and quality research programs. And University of XXX is one of esteemed university. The main reason I am applying in X is that, it is an internationally renowned university and valued by many national as well as international companies. It has best research facilities and experienced faculty members.

I completed my schooling( GRADUATE SCHOOL) with good marks and cleared All India Engineering Entrance Exam (AIEEE) with top 5(% - DELETE, WERE NOT TALKING ABOUT PERCENTAGE, WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR RANK) among 1.3 million students. I got admitted in X one (OF) the top engineering college of India. I was good in physics and chemistry thus I chose(CHOOSE) Chemical Engineering for my Bachelors degree. I learned basic(s of - DELETE) chemical engineering(; - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK) and its (colorful - ???, I SUGGEST A DIFFERENT ADJECTIVE TO USE IN DESCRIBING A CURRICULUM, TRY "intriguing") curriculum aroused my curiosity to dive deeper into subjects such as heat and mass transfer, fluid flow operation, separation process. I asked Prof. X, and expressed my interest. He guided me to work on the steady state simulation of absorber column in my dissertation work. Dissertation work involved use of Aspen plus as a tool for the simulation of the packed bed absorber for the absorption of carbon dioxide from flue gas into a suitable solvent (Monoethanolamine). It was the study of rate based mass transfer operation, in which diffusion of carbon dioxide along with reaction in solvent takes place which enhances rate of absorption. Experimental setup established and performed to verify the virtual model. To learn practically(PRACTICALLY LEARN) about the processes and how fundamental principles actually applies in industries I did my summer intern at Oxygen Plant, on Experimental Study of Air Separation Unit cryogenic process with internal compression cycle. It was the study of fractional distillation of Air. It carried out below -170degC(DEGREE CELSIUS) for the separation of Nitrogen, Oxygen and Argon, main constituents of air. I learned about the process thoroughly. I practically related the basic thermodynamic principles, Joule Thompson effect, Raoult's Law, throttling effect, laws of thermodynamics, heat and mass transfer phenomenon with the process.

I developed my interest in petroleum engineering from first year of my college. In my (under graduation curriculum - I SUGGEST REPHRASING OR REPLACING WITH "vocational course") I chose(CHOOSE) to study petroleum refinery engineering. I imbibe(d - ONGOING ACTION) with the basic knowledge of petroleum engineering. I learned about design of various types of distillation column in my process equipment design course. I got exposure to learn about the production of petroleum products and its classification, gaseous fuel, various processes such as thermal and catalytic cracking, reforming, polymerization etc. By pursuing master degree I will be able to serve my country to develop the oil industry either by providing innovation to the current technology or by teaching in Universities (is - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH, "AS IT IS) also a great ambition of mine.

After (my under graduation - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH, "COURSE") I joined X. Here, I am working as a process engineer. I take care of Process flow measurement and optimization of Cement Mill Section. I have not limited myself to gaining experience purely in the science field. I worked with different section mechanical, instrumentation and electrical for the optimization of process. I was able to experience the working life in an office environment. Meeting deadlines, working to a specific schedule, being flexible and learning how to work with(in - WITHIN IS INSIDE, WITH IS YOUR WORKING TO) new systems, manpower management (WHICH) were all basic tasks (which - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH "that") prepare(S) an individual for new opportunities. Through this Masters degree I would like to learn about reservoir management. Earning Master of Science will broaden my knowledge and provide a chance to work in Petroleum engineering field. The courses offered by the department of petroleum engineering coincide with my interest. I am confident that my competence and commitment help me in contributing meaningfully to the research at (your - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH "the") university. I look forward to joining X as a graduate student.

So Vivek, I wish you the Best of Luck in the endeavor!! Before you hit that "send" button though,I have a few notes to share;

> spell check - there's nothing more embarrassing than your application not accepted due to misspelled words, so SPELL CHECK it!
> grammar and vocabulary - mind your grammar and the words you use in reaching out to your readers.
> POOF READ - I'm a big fan of proof reading before I send out an article, simply because it serve me very well and for sure it will do the same to

you.

'till then, CHEERS!!!

Writing Feedback / The amount of spreads consumed from 1981 to 2007, in grams - the line graph [3]

Hi,

Kindly find my help for the task below;

The line graph illustrates the consumption of Spreads(, - PUNCTUATION MARK TO DELETE) including Margarine and Butter from 1981 to 2007. The quantity is measured in grams. At first glance it is evident that there was a significant fall in the consumption of Margarine and Butter, but the consumption of Low fat and reduced spreads saw a dramatic increase.

To begin, in 1981, the consumption of Butter stood at approximately 142 gram(GRAMS) and reaching a peak at 160 gram(GRAMS) in 1986, then experienced dramatic fall at some 45 gram(GRAMS) over the year. Also, Margarine('s - DELETE AS YOU ARE PERTAINING TO A PRODUCT NOT A PERSON) consumption stood at around 85 gram(GRAMS) in the first year. Then, there was a significant (decrease and then rose - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH, "fluctuation") suddenly in 1986 at 100 gram(GRAMS), and remained constant over the (NEXT) five years. In 2001, (WE) saw sharp decrease at approximately 82 gram(GRAMS), and the end of period at 40 gram(GRAMS) in 2007.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from the line chart shows that the consumption of Low fat and reduced spreads increased slightly from 1996 to 2001 at approximately 81 gram(GRAMS), but fell significantly at around 65 gram(GRAMS) over this 5-year period.

Daniel, your analysis of the graph is quiet accurate, I just have a few notes for you;

> punctuation marks, units of measure and proof read before sending your task.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Positive effect of being international student will not outshine the demerits of it (IELTS Task 2) [3]

As such, studying abroad is becoming ( A) trend for many (...) and teachers (ARE) more experts with their fields.
... can cause scholars unable (adapting - DELETE AND REPLACE TO, "TO ADAPT") to new place.

(To regard with - REPHRASE TO, "With regard to") the positive effect of learning overseas...

... where students are staying as it is impossible (FOR) learners (THAT) can finish their studies ...
... foreign students also can be (gotten - DELETE) because of living (far ways - FAR AWAY) from families.

... learning in foreign universities can broaden students'(STUDENTS) knowledge even though ...
... mentally and academically to learn(STUDY) overseas will make students to succeed in their (studying - CONSIDER CHANGING WORD INTO, "challenge") in another county.

Hey Iqbal, this article is quiet good, just proof read it before sending and make sure to mind your grammar and usage of words. CHEERS!!!

Writing Feedback / Many kinds of integration problems for people living abroad (%) [2]

Hi,

Kindly find my help below;

... which people have when they go (staying - DLEETE AND REPHRASE WITH "and live") abroad and is ...

(However, elderly people only approximately twenty-three percent find hardness in making friends. - CONSIDER REPHRASING, BECAUSE A NORMAL READER CAN TAKE THIS VERY OFFENSIVE, THA FACT THAT YOU USE THE WORD "hardness"?? - REPHRASE TO - HOWEVER, ELDERLY PEOPLE WHICH IS APPROXIMATELY 23% OF THE POPULATION FINDS IT HARD MAKING FRIENDS.)

Finding somewhere to live is still (to be a- DELETE AND REPLACE WITH "the") highest percentage for ...

The last, almost thirty percent (30%) learning the local language is ...

Ok, so this analysis is good but you have to take note that in giving analytical findings, use numbers for your analysis it makes it more realistic and proper, check your grammar and usage of vocabulary as well. The most important one, PROOF READ it before submitting it, this helps a lot and is very essential to every write up.

Cheers!

Writing Feedback / ' the happiness we experience' - we experience special days in our life easier [2]

Hey Neo,

Kindly find my help below;

people(PEOPLE) may come up with different ideas about this subject but i have my own reasons which are (: - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH ",") being a rare occasion make it easy to be remembered(, - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK) and because we are very happy when we receive our gifts. Human life (is consisted - DELETE - CONSIST) of many stages and steps including(, - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK) infancy, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood and old age and during this long period of time we experience many things such as birthday, marriage, entering university, graduating and so on. there(THERE) are (number of - DELETE, CONTRADICTING, WHEN YOU SAY "RARE OCCASION" THERES NOT A LOT OF THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE RARE) rare occasions that we remember them easier than the rest. One of them are when (WE) receive a gift from a friend or a relative.

First of all, i think the number of the times that we receive gifts from other are not many and this helps us to remember them easier than the rest. for(For) example although i(I) have good memory for names and good photographic memory i(I) fail to remember how many time(TIMES) i(I) actually took test at university. on contrary i know the exact number of birthday parties that i have thrown so far which is fifteen and i can remember each and every one of them clearly. Also in my country people celebrate few days in year and in some of those parties adults give teenagers and small children money and some times (SOMETIMES) gift that i also can remember all of those events and what kind of toy i received and from who i received that toy. for example five years ago i received a helicopter toy from my grandmother and she gave it to me when she got back from travel. i like this toy a lot and it is still on my desk. despite the fact that this (reason cannot be - DELETE AND ADD "is not") the only reason for remembering events easier but it can help.

second (of all - DELETE), because of the feeling we have when we receive gifts from other help us remember thing easier than the rest. nobody could deny that we are very happy when we received gift from our beloved friend and from our relatives such as our parents or our uncle. the kind of pleasure and happy moments that we experience during the party make it a special occasion that we can never forget. Also because we picture those happy moments and beautiful scenes many times after that day in our mind it helps our mind remember them better in the following years.

in conclusion there are two important factors that make remembering special days easier, special days as their name implies are unique and because of the happiness we experience in those special days.

Neo, please take note that when starting a sentence, the first word should be capitalize, the usage of "I" in a sentence should also be capital, be mindful of your grammar, punctuation marks, little details that makes a lot of difference and finally, PROOF READ it before sending it out to your readers.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Why English is an international language and why people want to study in English? [2]

It is true that millions of students (passed out - ??? OR YOU MEAN "graduated") from (HIGH) school or college want to move to different English speaking countries by cracking different examination like GRE, TOEFL, IELTS or GMAT. Particularly students from Asian countries like India, China, Japan, and Bangladesh have long cherished dream to do higher studies in USA, Canada or in Australia. I think there are several reasons for that among which media of study as English language is an important one.

There are basically three different streams of education e.g-Science, Arts and Commerce. As we know countries like USA, Australia (AND) Britain has long history of doing well in research area. Practically speaking most of the valuable books are available in English. Picking up of English is not very tough and so this language is well accepted in all over the world. If any one does not has(HAVE) much knowledge (in even - DELETE) he or she can also learn this language very quickly.

In areas of higher education, research and job sector, English is very common communication medium between (man to man - DELETE, REPLACE WITH "human"). Number of alphabets is not high like Chinese or Japanese language and even the pronunciation is not critical, even for students of non-English speaking countries. So, gradually English has become an international language.

If I consider literature, there are so many world class and famous books (THAT) are available in English and if the original book is in different language, then we can find the translation in English in most of (the - DELETE) cases. Recent development, research work, published papers in international journal in the area of science, medical science, arts, music, architecture are all in English language. So following of all these things we (have to know - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH "learn") English really well.

(The - delete) Millions of students who are looking forward to join in different world famous universities of(IN) America, Australia or Britain they have to communicate and study in English. In most of the standard universities in India the study materials and lectures are in English. So, they can cope with the situation very quickly. Those who have better understanding of English he will have better chance of adapting in future life, like in areas of service and education.

So, reasons like easy method of communication, availability of study materials, medium of lecture in universities, recent research work, advance studies, international magazines, number of general books and movies available in English, make(MAKES) English as an internationally well accepted language.

Sumanta, this article is good, just mind your grammar, use of words and proof read it before you send it, okay!

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 01 - Numbers of employed persons by job type and sex [2]

Hi Tran,

Kindly find my help below;

As (can be seen - TRY REPHRASING TO - "we can see") from the bar, there are more men be(BEING) recruited than women in Australia within seven types of job which were studied during 2003.

Five out of seven job categories prefer men to be their employees. More men were managers than women with the proportion as 3 men against 1 woman. Men also dominated in semi professionals and laborers jobs. The unbalance opportunities for women were even much(MORE) distinct regarding job in trade and production areas. The highest disproportion on gender can be found in figurers(FIGURES) of (sale persons - SALES PERSON). In 2003, approximately 900,000 men were hired whereas there were fewer than 200,000 places for women.

Only professional and clerical works save more opportunities for women. However, the unbalance distribution between male and female among these jobs was not a notable issue. Men and women shared professional jobs with a 680,000 places for women and about 640,000 for the opposite side. Also, clerical jobs accounted for 945,000 women and 885,000 men employed.

Tran, when writing an analysis, make use of numbers, this will help you bring your message across and adds professional feed to your article.
Be mindful of your words, spelling, grammar and proof read it before hitting that "send" button. CHEERS!!!

Writing Feedback / Two charts, one result in the survey of adult education; Writing task 1 [2]

Hey Liliy,

Kindly find my help below;

The two of the charts below present publishing a survey (FOR) youngster education with the first chart (ADD A PUNCTUATION MARK COMMA) examine the percentage (...) the pie illustrates people(PEOPLES) opinion about how costs ...

40 percent (40%) of students interest in subject compared to 38 percent(38%) of gain qualifications...

In contrast, youngster that chose(CHOOSE) to (BE)able to change jobs had a smaller ...

Moreover, the percentage of employer had the second larger(LARGEST) proportion just about 35 percent.

LIliy, your analysis of the graph is good but mind your spelling,so turn on that spell check, grammar has to be paid attention to as well as your number usage,since its a graph, I suggest using the % sign as they make your findings stronger. PROOF READING, this is a habit that you should learn to adapt since you want to keep writing and submitting your article, proof reading will definitely help you be better in your write ups.

Cheers!!!

Student Talk / How do you define a good writer or a beginner writer? [7]

What habit do you think one should develop in order to become a good writer?

Please identify your answers in points and their importance.

If I were to embark a new career of becoming a professional writer, I should develop the following;

> knowledge in vocabulary and its usage
> grammar, tenses and punctuation marks usage
> be able to identify ways to improve my journal in order to send my message across

Now, what do you think?

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 - some university students should only study one specialist subject [3]

Answer:

Over recent years specialist subject at university is becoming debatable issue in higher education ministry. Some people believe that universities should make a regulation which student only study one specialist(SPECIAL) subject, whereas others argue that it is better if students study various subjects so as to add (TO) their knowledge. Even though (THERE ARE)many opinion about both sides, I would argue that if student learn one specific subject, it will create an expert student in their discipline, but it must be supported by basic knowledge of some subjects which is linear with it.

With regard to the various subjects'(SUBJECT) method, numerous people believe that it will make (A) student more easily(EASY) to choose their job in the future because they have multiple discipline. Take Indonesia as an example, various subjects'(SUBJECT) regulation was applied in Indonesia over recent decades and never (be-DELETE) changed by the other system. This regulation creates graduate(S) with multiple skills because they learn more than one subject, and it means they have more possibilities to be accepted in a company because numerous companies and employers looking for applicants or employees who have multiple discipline to solve various problem in the job world. Consequently, many people tend to support this regulation to be still applied at universities.

However, studying one (specialist - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH "major") subject will produce an expert graduate because student only focus on one discipline. Study shows that in order to improve quality of human resources, natural resources and economic, a country is (needed - IN NEED OF) many people who are expert in one subject as (if - TO) people expert in one subject, they have big possibilities to make a great invention in their discipline. This is why this regulation is needed in higher education system like in university to create high-quality graduate who (ARE) expert in their discipline.

Based on these point of view, I would argue that creating human resource who is expert is better than producing people who study series of subject but they do not have a deep understanding about it. It is because if they do not have significant understanding about particular subject, they will become a low-quality graduate which only know about basic knowledge of some subject and do not have enough experience to improve their skills. As a result, they won't give a significant improvement to their society.

To conclude, despite the possibilities to be accepted in a company, university students should only study one specialist subject to create expert graduates which have a deep understanding in particular discipline. It is imperative that to support this regulation, additional subject which linear with its discipline is needed to add so as to give student additional knowledge.

@ AinunAlfatih

Hey Ainun, with this article, your message surely came across, just proof read before submitting so you can still polish it a little bit.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The advertisement gives influence toward the increasing number of popular consumers of the goods [3]

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The importance of advertisement gives influence toward(TOWARDS) the increasing number of popular consumers of the goods. However, the types of the goods are not a premier necessity for people. Although people nowadays have consumer culture and are easy to be persuaded to follow the latest trend, I strongly believe that advertising is the main key of modern business that has many benefits for (THE) society.

Without a doubt, people now live in a consumer culture. They are influenced quickly to buy some needs (GOODS) which actually should not be bought for their homes. For instance, people just follow the certain brand image thanks to their intention to increase a higher status in which advertising can manipulate people. As a result, people are triggered by the advertisement to buy more and more products that have the branded goods.

In terms of the main reason why people even buy the goods that they do not need is the power of advertising to obtain the products. Most of (THE) people cannot refuse the advertisement that gives them many offers from the sales. This is because companies tell all contents of their products so that people are easy to choose them. People, for example, are influenced to gain the benefits of those goods in which they see the advertisement on TV or other media, then they immediately buy it in the nearest market. In addition, people need to think that advertising inform (GIVES) us much information about the choices people want and this can reduce the high number of unemployment.

To sum up, it is evident that even though the advertisement causes bad habit in society, it has a pivotal role to solve unemployment and also gives many advantages not only in the improvement of the good sales, but also for people generally. The advertisers should make the great influences for the society so people do not feel (to be - DELETE) deceived before buying the goods that are produced (BY) many companies.

Adhisti, your essay is good, just check my help that is written in parenthesis, this are my suggestions, proof read this article before you send it and BEST OF LUCK!!!

Essays / Australia Awards Scholarship program - contribute to solving the challenge essay [3]

Janvier,

The essay is asking you to basically highlight your importance in your industry. Start with how the Laboratory or the Pharma looked like or how it was run when you first worked there and how it is now with your help. Site examples like work ethics, endeavors, challenges such as power shortage, I mean if you have experienced this in the lab or meeting deadlines and you're short of manpower, how did you participate in alleviating the hindrances of the lab if there's any. Then transition to building or formulating your own work practices that made a difference and how you follow up on the consistency of the program towards the welfare of the company more so to the workers. Finally, end your essay by justifying how the scholarship can add credibility, knowledge and experience to your field of expertise. Proof read it before sending or better yet, post it here in the forum so we can help you further.

Best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Where is Waldo Really - CU Essay requirement. [2]

Odgie, once you get this few tips, proof read your essay again and make it habit, PROOF READING is a the best way to check your work and make sure that you did the best you could.

'till next time, Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. [2]

Anushka, your essay is good, just mind the following;

> punctuations marks - (:,;,.,?,/) these little details makes big difference.
e.g. - Nowadays nothing is private(: - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH "; OR ,) our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive.
> Avoid repetition or excessive use of words
e.g. - People think that to hide one's thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have (those thoughts or feelings. - DELETE AND REPLACE WITH "them")

> verb tenses - if its an ongoing action, use present tense
> word use - "statuses??" - word use is very important,"status" is the word.
" national importance or some kind of importance ", national importance already emphasize your idea on the subject
" household problems" try to use, "domestic differences"
"elevate??" or you mean "alleviate"
"penned" - or you mean to note or noted
"All in all", try "overall" it sounds better and its more moving
"check up" should be "check out"
"avoiding" - should be "avoid"

Certainly, you can work on a good essay, don't forget to proof read it before sending.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Combine studying with playing in education children is necessary [3]

Hi Tam,your essay is good given the fact that its your first time.Just be mindful of the following;
> Grammar
> vocabulary
>punctuation marks

These as the words that I find for correction;
"Firstly", should be "First"
" before's", should be "before"
"cramming school" or you mean "populated school"
"study is important" should be "studying is important"
"all of the days", can be "all day"
"bad things come", should be "bad things happen"
"low - minded" can be "Low IQ (intelligent quotient)
"relative to history" is "related to history"
"that make my paragraph is better" should be "that make my paragraph better"

Write more Tam, this way you practice and you will learn more.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The table provides the information which city is more expensive: Riverdale or Cape Alicia [3]

Mohja, your analysis is quiet accurate, just check the following corrections;
1st sentence -average cost of living
2nd paragraph 1st sentence - "stood" - should be "stand"
2nd paragraph last sentence - "fairly lowest" should be "fairly low"
Last paragraph last sentence - "fairly lowest" should be "fairly low"

Mohja, make sure that you mind your numbers like 3,8percent should be 3.8%,it makes more appealing to the readers and since this is analytical,it will help send your message across.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 : Advertising leads people to purchase unnecessary products [2]

Hi Liliy,
This corrections may help your essay;
-advertising is a key part
- after goods, no need for comma when you have "and" after, same goes with "while"
- argue is a very strong verb, try to soften your sentence by using, "I would say"
- The first should be "First"
- 85 per cent, can be 85%, using figures in reference to numbers is more analytical than words
- it cannot be true advertising too popular,rephrase to,"popular advertising may not be true."
- that free market economies, "that the free market economy"
- leave is live
-An global should be,"A global"
- Avoid using "Firstly" in your essays,it should be,"First"
- more easily should be just "easily"
- the word "aforementioned" is usually use when referring to a criminal case evidence and in courts,rephrase it to,"The mentioned evidence"

- look deeply into the products before buying them

Liliy, as I mention before, PROOF READ your work and be mindful of vocabulary usage and your punctuation marks.

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / "How I chose my proposed course and institution" essay for scholarship [3]

Daroth, kindly find my corrections below;
- As witnessing the growth of industrialization of my own nation
- I have more concerns...
- income
- leaders are aware on how
- Consequence is a negative word so delete it and start you sentence with, "In taking.."
- I have decided to take this Masters in Melbourne...

Also, mind your grammar and proof read this essay before submitting it.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The bar chart gives information regarding to the percentage of reason [2]

Farhan, your analysis is good, its detailed, just be mindful of your word usage, grammar and sentence construction such as the ones below;
- the other bar graph
- employers without the '
- both and not the both
- like down staircase??? - form a decreasing number
- namely most should be mainly most
- the after 40 yrs old should be,"interestingly after 40 yrs old
- until they reach

Then, PROOF READ your final analysis before presenting it.

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / The products sold are not based on community needs - the companies don't care about what people wish [3]

Muhammad, the paragraph below should be rephrase, kindly find my correction.

The (aforementioned - DELETE AND USE "mentioned")evidence shows that even though awesome advertisement and well-known brand interest people to shopping, the products sold are not based on community needs. I strongly recommend that companies should care more about people needs instead of intriguing adverts.

Be mindful of your sentence construction and the big words that you use, these words may sound good but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're good and appropriate to the sentence and what your message is.

Proof read your work once done.

Cheers!!!

Poetry / Analyze the poem To an Athlete Dying young and the Great Gatsby [7]

Evsus,
The last part of the poem relates to how somebody would rise from being down to fight again and live free.
It tells readers that underneath it all and whatever happens there's a bright light and a new tomorrow will come with greater strength, ready to conquer whats out there.

I also makes readers think positively and hope for the best at all times.

'till then, Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Once people could breath in a fresh air, their life was greater than todays convenience life. [3]

Convenience are (IS) the common benefit that we found on (IN) today's life.

For this reason, I disagree that (TO)live (in-DELETE) today is better than in the past.

In addition, there was no transportation like an airplane, a common (common - DELETE) transportation that can brought (BRING) a thousand passenger (PER) flight.

On the other hand, living on the world now is worse than living (in - DELETE) hundred years ago in environmental sector.

To conclude, although some people claim that life in(THE) world now is better than in the past, I believe that living in the past world where people stilll (STILL) can breath (in - DELETE) fresh air is greater than todays convenience (life - DELETE). Therefore, it is better for people to reduce the using (USAGE) of transportation so as to save the fresh air.

Overall, your essay is good just make sure that you check your spelling, word tenses, sentence structure and grammar.
Proof read your work before submitting it.

Cheers!!!

Letters / Excluded from Uni 7 years ago - Readmission Letter [6]

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing this letter in anticipation that you will consider my appeal for readmission into xxx University's Bachelor(S) Degree of (" - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK)International Business(" - DELETE PUNCTUATION MARK) commencing July 2015.

I attended xxx University back in 2008 after leaving high school. At the time I (was immature and naďve and - THIS SHOWS TH NEGATIVE SIDE OF YOU, NO NO IN A LETTER) assumed (THAT) the path I had chosen was the right one. Unfortunately the timing wasn't right and I had no motivation to attend or focus on my studies. I made the mistake of not withdrawing and therefore accumulating fails(FAILURE) against all subjects (WHICH IS NOW) evident on my transcript.

Writing Feedback / Cost of Living Average in Riverdale and in Cape Alicia [4]

Stacy, overall, your analysis is accurate and you made sense in elaborating the numbers however find my corrections below;

- the different should be "the difference"
- cost -of-living - delete unnecessary punctuation marks, cost of living
- averages, delete s, AVERAGE
- Riveldale, mind your spelling, RIVERDALE
- sector in Riverdale IS five times

Be mindful of your selling, linking verbs and PROOF READ it before sending.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Sat - Should we hold on to the old when innovations are available, or should we simply move forward? [2]

CORRECTIONS;
- Some see printed books as dusty remnants from the preelectronic (PRE ELECTRONIC) age.
- Since the dawn of civilization, men and women have (HAS)
- those who choose to stay rather than move forward make our society stagnate(STAGNANT).
- Believing in the plethora of information from elsewhere, science deniers ( NON SCIENCE BELIEVERS) are declaring war
- should be required to vaccine (VACCINATE) their children
- implication is immediate:(.)
- Ukraine and Japan(? - DELETE).
- Those ideologues in nuclear power, i(f incessantly - DELETE) insists on holding old,
- They should not be grudging to depart from past;(,) they should move forward and strive for the progress of tomorrow.

RATING: 4

Amy, my rating is 4 as I'm not sure if 1 is the least in your scale. Anyway, your essay is written well, just be mindful of your spelling, tenses, punctuation marks and the use of big words,e.g.,FATHOM, such word is not use in conversational or business English, it is use in English Lit but thats not what you want, your readers will not be able to converse with your article if you keep using this big words, so try to be conversational and everyday words are far better than words that your readers don't know it exist. PROOF READ your article before sending.

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / SVA Statement of Intent - Getting out of the Shadows [4]

-As a child, I always (had a sibling rivalry with my cousin), - DELETE AS "SIBLING RIVALRY IS FOR SIBLING MEANING YOUR SISTERS OR BROTHERS - REPLACE WITH, "argument with my cousins") but no matter what, he would always be better than me.

- (But- DELETE) One day, he showed my mom a drawing of Trunks from Dragon Ball Z.
- I began creating new worlds,(WORLD) that I wanted to go to, and I was able to share that message with other people.
- But somewhere along the line, my passion for art died. I became a shell, just walking along a bland (BLIND) path with no color,
- (Ever - DELETE) since then my family, friends, and everyone else have been pushing me to become the best I can possibly be.
- (Since then - DELETE AS YOU USE THIS ON THE FIRST SENTENCE ALREADY) I've spent every waking moment practicing my craft and studying to become better than I am now, trying to make a name for myself and not live in anyones shadow anymore.

- I was also estatic(ECSTATIC) to learn that you have a program dedicated towards 2D animation.

Hi, your letter sounds very promising and though it needs more polish, site your strength and what you can contribute to the art world that should help your application. Proof Read your letter before you submit, best of Luck!!!

Writing Feedback / Changing children's lifestyle by exploring the natural world [3]

- Nowadays, modern technology changes(CHANGED) people's(PEOPLES) lifestyle.
- With regard to spend (SPENDING)time indoors, children have limited environment to explore their talent. For example children just know (LEARN) playing computer games instead of playing an outside activity with other friends.

- On the other hand, (taking to - DELETE) the nature world can change children's way of life.
- they face (so that- DELETE) AND this condition encourages children to be more independent.

- The aforementioned (MENTIONED)evidence reveals that although advanced technology makes quitter to stay at home and can get some benefits from the technology, children must have social skill which can make children to survive with life (LIFES) challenge in the future.

Hi Iqbal, your essay is good, you just have to mind the usage of big words, if there not necessary then don't use it, remember that a great number of your readers would want to understand your essay upfront without looking up for the meaning of the word, so be conversational and then turn on your spell check. Lastly, PROOF READ it before you submit your work.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The process of producing wood pellets [3]

- The diagram gives information regarding (on - DELETE) the process of making wood pellets for heating buildings.
- Generally, what stand out from the picture describes that there are eight stages of producing wood pellets (from - DELETE) beginning (FROM) (selected material of pellets - SELECTION OF MATERIAL ) as the first step (to the pellet at the ready to be sold.- DELETE) THE PROCESS CONTINUES UNTIL THE PELLETS ARE READY TO SELL.

- With regard to the first three stages, the material of wood pellets which (IS) called sawdust arrives from sawmill.
- After that, the pellet (has been - DELETE) ready to be packed into 18 kilo (140 pound bags) and can be distributed to be sold.

Iqbal, overall, your analysis is good and your work is getting better, just make sure that you PROOF READ and mind your grammar.

Thank you.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Learning Foreign Language. Better Soon or Later? [4]

- Learning foreign language is a common trend in this (globalized - DELETE) world. As such, some people (argue - DELETE AND USE A MUCH POSITIVE WORD, CONSIDER,"believe")

- should be given for (TO) children in their school(s - DELETE) at earliest grades to help them to be accustomed to speak and to understand international language.

- The children children have more brain power so they can learn subject quickly by immitating.(imitating)
- On the other hand, some people believe that this trend causes shock to children since they found difference between their mother tounge.(TONGUE)
- Take English for example, children may confuse to say word 'sun' as the pronounciation(PRONUNCIATION) is different from it's spelling.

- they live in (A) globalized world.

- Therefore it is imperative fo(TO) school to provide foreign language lessons in the earliest grades.

Hi Stacy, I would suggest turning the spell check on your computer before writing an article or essay so you have a guide on spelling, also mind your grammar and as always PROOF READ your work before submitting it, and yes, before I go, avoid using such negative connotation of ideas, e.g.,argue, the word can be replaced with much better word like, "I believe", this one helps send your message and the positivity of your article.

Cheers!!!