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Posts by Jeannie
Joined: Sep 13, 2009
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 214  

From: USA

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Jeannie   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: I'm from an Island! [7]

"I had become so fixated on one star that I sensed my reality almost shifting, and the world as I knew it seemed to crash down around me.felt the world crash down before me . The star was so full of life that it seemed invincible; it had blinded me, and I fell victim to the rest of my senses. On the brink of becoming entranced, as I became entranced with the light show before me, it happened. The star died.
Jeannie   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app LONG essay - person who had significant influence on you (aunt, bro) [5]

This is Good, Alex!

A different girl exits the bus that afternoon-one thatwho is pale, withdrawn, and upset.

When I first hear d this story as a child, ...

My quiet voice made teachers shout for me to speak up, attracted bullies' cruel jokes, and turned oral presentations into public embarrassments.there is something a bit awkward in this sentence, but I can't really say why...

Transforming a blank page into a beautiful work of art or a tantalizing story ...

Awesome!
Jeannie   
Dec 15, 2009
Research Papers / political courage display, Cory Booker! [3]

Sorry, Caren, I just saw this...I hope she does well! I see that you have been helpful to others, and I regret that I wasn't able to help you in time - there are soooo many essays!

BTW, is your sister allowed to use this sight? Perhaps she can submit her writing for feedback a little sooner :) I understand she is very young, so it's no problem if you submit for her - you're a good sister -, I was just wondering.

Blue skies!
Jeannie   
Dec 15, 2009
Graduate / LSE International Relations grad essay - correct [5]

Being a 21st century modern immigrant prepares one for crossing boundaries.

21st century is about as modern as it gets...

As the eldest son in my family, I have been helping and taking care of my two brothers from childhood. Our strongest tie is what fuels our family: <these seem to have no relation to eachother> sports and internationalism.

These sentences don't tie in very well. You should expand the thought a little, or leave it out. Actually, the rest of the first paragraph runs off in a different direction, so my advise is to complete the thought you started regarding your family ties, then start a new paragraph.

Due to my parents immigration to the US, I was raised in both Budapest and Boston. I attended two middle schools, graduated from two high schools and am graduating from two universities.

After you fix the first paragraph, the beginning of this one will undoubtedly have to change a little.

Being a dual-citizen of both EU and US, I have learned to be open and receptive towards cultural differences. Studying management and mandarin, my goal is to orient towards the Orient and bring the western business culture closer to China. LSE's international relations and global media programs are academically and personallyfit perfectly with my goals, both academic and personal .

I really like this statement; it says a lot about you! One part, though, has me scratching my head..."Studying management and mandarin, my goal..."

This is important to say, but I think it could be said better. Maybe "Having studied...?"

You speak English, Mandarin, German, and Hungarian?! Criminy, that's impressive!

As anBeing?? Having been an active and energetic child, I have learned English and German, and Iearly on , played violin, piano and years of guitar, all while devoting most of my energy to sports. My athletic background provided the foundations of my versatility and perspective: . T he ascetic trainings and competitive spirit of competitions<change that...:) now transform into academic tenacity.

If you are going to say "as an energetic and active child..." I think you should leave out "early on" - it seems redundant. This part needs a little more work. Can you re-organize it with the suggestions I gave? I don't really know your story well enough to say the correct things...

Good job so far! Re-work this first part, and I will help with the rest. Thanks in advance for helping others! You have a lot to give.

Psst> I will see if I can get another contributor or moderator to tag-team and also to answer your question about suggestions for schools...I think this would be great for any school - with minor changes to suit the intention, of course.Unless they charge a fee to try, I say go for all of them! :)

Blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Eating roti canai - common application long answer [3]

I am Starving now! But first...

You might probably think that this is (...) complicated name and the Indian waiters, but ...

UsThe (or just Malasians') Malaysians' love for Roti Canai probably began during the colonial times, when it was generously ...
Since then, the Roti Canai has earned its position as one of the three most popular foods in this country (where are you?) . It even hashas even been reinvented more times than Madonna, from being: or ; it has been twisted into different shapes and adorned with additions of the weirdest possible fillings ever.

But the whole Roti Canai experience extends from just originates in theits unique?? taste alone . Since I was a kid I loved to watch how the cook would lovingly knead, stretch, and flip the dough into ...

He would then toss it onto the grill and it is allowed to crispen upuntil the crispness was just right. Waiters hu ng around the grill like vultures, waiting to snap up the bread the moment they areit was ready.

My attention is drawn back to the circular piece ... What sheer bliss! Yum!

... group of students in the corner, or the Western tourists behind me, it feelsis amazing how to see how all ...
It is atduring moments like this when I ...

This is an excellent descriptive essay! Well written over all, but make sure all of your tenses are correct - the nature of the essay is to bounce from memory to present tense, so it makes it a little trickier to get it right...also, lose the contractions.

The essay doesn't say where you are when you are in the present...I would like to know...
I am not sure whether or not it is appropriate for a common app essay because I never had to apply to college (I was middle age when I entered community college through the military, so the application process consisted of signing on the dotted line and forking over the dough:), but maybe someone else can advise you on that.

This was a real pleasure to read, Ashwini, and if you change nothing, they are only minor errors. Good job.
Blue skies!
Jeannie Oops! I forgot to address the first paragraph!

"You might probably think that this is an Indian restaurant, with a in light of the complicated name and the Indian waiters, but I prefer to think of it as a Malaysian eatery."

"At that moment a waiter suddenly flings a piece of bread onto my banana leaf." <this bounced back to the present too fast for me...
Jeannie   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / 'tremendous opportunities' - Brown: Interest and Appeal to Brown [3]

Through experiencing the diverse programs and classes offered at my high school, I was able to narrow my academic interests to a single, apparent favorite .

The incorporationblend?? of my two favorite subjects, math and science, fascinatesintrigues me and it creates the challenges that I love inspire me. There is a certain type of excitement, born ofcomes withthe endless possibilities thatcomputers represent, that creates an infatuation.

that creates an infatuation...Hmmm, I think you can do better with this description. Being infatuated with a computer is kinda creepy :)

Your second paragraph needs a lot of work on the organization aspect.

I like the last line you put in, keep it. Work some changes and post a second draft. I will be happy to proof it again.

Blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 15, 2009
Writing Feedback / Need help with sociology essay: Panopticon of Our Time [9]

WOW! Ok, the subject matter is beyond me, but I will try to tidy-up the spelling and punctuation for you...

... have given birth to a new kind of cyborgs .
... within the codes of a binary system of organisms; ...

They attacked the World Trade Center , which created reasons (...) to attack countries suspected withof having ties to Al-Qaeda.

... declared as enemy combatant, and brought to various detention facilities around the world for the interrogation and power experiments.
... operated within the borders of the continental United States US) , making these (...) rights code of USA . The d etention Campsat Guantanamo Bay and Abu Gharib spell check...>here you are digressing to an almost manic, certainly speculative discourse. Needs citation for credibility>> are equipped with surveillance systems ...

I am confused about the purpose of your essay after having read just the first paragraph. It is comprehensive, but it has more of a science fiction feel to it that academic or sociological. You need a clearer thesis statement; something that tells the reader what the content of the paper or your argument will encompass.

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]

Before bringing my father to rest for ever and ever, clergyman asked my relative burning all of slippers of my father. All of sudden, seeing slippers of father falling down to the fire, I sobbed one more time from a certain person wearing me a mourning headband . Within these of slippers, all was a crack in front of head and full fill mud stain.

This is difficult to understand, Ba. Were your father's shoes burned in the funeral ritual to make sure he couldn't walk this earth after death; to be sure he was able to walk to "heaven"? I am curious about the symbolism.

"Within these of slippers, all was a crack in front of head and full fill mud stain." This sounds like you are saying that the mourning band felt too tight around your head, and the pain in your head, combined with the loss of your father and watching his shoes burn (the last of him - finality) made you feel faint...

Haha! My imagination is no doubt getting the best of me. Can you explain what the first part means?

Blue skies! (that means I hope your days are easy and filled with happiness and sunshine)

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]

Well why didn't you say so?! <haha> Your writing is filled with beautiful imagery regardless of the fact that it is not perfect English; it touches the soul.

You are getting better every day, just slow down a little when you translate to English. Your stories are a pleasure to read!

I still do not understand the part about mud-filled cracks in your head. tee-hee! :D
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

I just discovered that sesame street purloined my onomatopoeia!

I have never uttered the word 'onomatopoeia' out loud (I have no idea how to pronounce it...), but I did have cause to use 'behoove' the other day. :D So many good words, so little time.

sorry for hijacking the thread, sO...carry on.
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Need help with sociology essay: Panopticon of Our Time [9]

I have used words such as panopticon, cyborgs, and docile bodies because I had to relate to two other readings from my sociology class. Donna Harroway argues in one of them that women are the cyborgs, especially from ethnic origins.

This explains a lot. In order to do away with the science fiction feel that you have created in the first paragraph, how about comparing Harroway's argument with that of the prisoners at Guantanamo and Abu Graib. I am making this up here, but...

Harroway (2009) argues that women from certain ethnic origins have been made into cyborgs, doing exactly what they have been programmed to do (or whatever she said, you see?), this is much the same with prisoners...

Again, just a made-up example to clarify your mission, and you thesis statement.

Hope this helps! The extra information you provided really helped me (I was beginning to worry about your state of mind, haha!:)

Jeannie (you can call me 'Queen' if you want, teehee:D)
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

That is a little too general, but in this kind of essay it would be excellent to use a bulleted list

Ah Ha! I understand what Kevin is saying now! You could expand the last sentence with a listing of general areas of study that support your main idea (no bullets, please, don't make me get out the ruler...)

Kevin, are you saying to write something like (making it up again...):

...interesting findings have emerged through the study of prenatal hormonal influences, chocolate pudding intake, birth order, and even hand-dominance.

Hmm, that would be better!
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Poetry / Beauty (poem) [5]

Sigh, really pretty.

Is it "lay" or "lies??" <that one always gets me...

I am trying to learn IP, so this was a good example, thanks!

I almost got stuck at "What left of nature is there to admire?" then I read it again. The stress is on 'is', right?

Anyway...

Blue skies!
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Poetry / HE WAS NOT A TEACHER.... [7]

bilal ABUZENAH

Hi, Bilal! Nice to see you back (where ya been??).

This poem is interesting, though I agree with Akua that it is ambiguous. Did you see your teacher's mug-shot in the morning paper or something? One small line of clarity would help this immensely. For instance, if your poem was about a teacher who got arrested, a stark 'headline' could be worked in with the poem <does that make any sense??

I have about ten million poems (exaggerating again...) written in times of angst that no one would understand; they could be good, but they are only good enough for me at this point, haha! What I would like to see at the beginning of many published poems that are frustratingly enigmatic is a brief explanation by the author. Some might think that would make the poem pointless, but sometimes I would like to see into someones mind for a second, ya know? Same goes for song lyrics.

Oh, well! Blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 16, 2009
Poetry / A Poem about mac and cheese [4]

Then one day its post was challenged
The haughty french fry demanded hommage.

It would not have dawned on me to rhyme these two words (challange and homage), but I slid right over it without so much as a hitch. Excellent "ear!"

I also agree 100% that the french fry can't hold a candle to mac 'n cheese! :)
Jeannie   
Dec 17, 2009
Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

There is no reason for this, I am just trying to learn (geek!). I googled what a sonnet was, so now I am trying to write one :) I can't seem to come up with the last two lines...the couplet?? So have at it, tear it to shreds, bring it on! but be nice, teehee!

OK, so eight lines and then change the rhymes for the last six lines...using IP all the while.

What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?
The poorest of the lot deserves a break.
What wicked teeth you hide behind and smudge;
those purest souls lay ruined in your wake.
Was God forgot within your quest for fame?
Or did indeed your own soul chose to shrivel?
Did pride and lust declare your very name
while gleefully proclaiming 'naught but drivel?

Speak behind that smile that hides your color;
closed lips speak truer than an open drain.
When 'ugly' tempts you, use your hand to smother
those wicked, blackened, teeth that do remain.
(couplet needed here- is couplet the right term?? Two last lines...)

I appreciate any advise about the form. Don't pay any attention to the content (unless you want to come up with the last two lines, haha!) I just made it up quick-like to fill the spaces of the sonnet, so it is just...well, doo-doo ;).

Blue skies!
Jeannie   
Dec 17, 2009
Poetry / HE WAS NOT A TEACHER.... [7]

Thanks for the critique of my personality, Rajiv. Was your intention to piss me off? You should try to know someone before you attempt such utterances; you would appear less foolish and malevolent that way...

Blues,

Jeannie

If you would take the time to left click on my name, you will be privy to every post I have ever made, and you will see that I am sincere. 'Blue skies' is very special to me, and everyone else gets it, so shut up. Thanks!
Jeannie   
Dec 17, 2009
Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

No, haha! I just started writing and this is what came out (Freudian?? Bad attitude?) Who knows. I just wanted to play with the rhythm of IP and write it as a sonnet. That's why I said to disregard the content because it's crap-py...I will discard it as soon as it's usefulness has ended. haha! I need some inspiration. I need to go see some more sonnets. Can you recommend any? I know Shakespeare was the king, but I need to start simpler...

Thanks, jonathan!

interesting idea. blocking out your own feelings or something?

Oh, BTW, I was thinking about mean people who look down on good people because they want to make themselves feel better. I wonder if it is possible that this poem brought out Rajiv's evilness?? No, I don't believe in that kind of mumbo jumbo...or do I? Look at the timeline, though, weird...(See our forum for explanation. ;))

I'm not sure you have to make each line a separate clause. you don't do that ALL the time, but most

Yeah, it is very sing-songy. I am hoping to learn it well enough to understand how to quit that...I am counting syllables on my fingers still. :)
Jeannie   
Dec 17, 2009
Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest... I could be decorated with intricate carving
( could you explain me what "treasure chest", "intricate carving" are)
The ship said:I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world

I think "across the water" means: across the sea; and "the corners of the world" means everywhere the world is, right or wrong, Jeannie?

It is metaphor (pretty words that compare something to the real thing). In the first case, the woman is wishing she was a treasure chest - a metaphor for someone who is filled with lovely and valuable things. In the second, she says that she will have intricate carvings- meaning she will have much knowledge and experience. Intricate means precise, and you know what carving means...to make cuts into something. Life cuts experiences, good and bad, into your soul, and you are like an intricately carved treasure chest in the end! :)

You are exactly right in the second example. The strange thing about metaphor is that it is left for the reader to interpret; sometimes it is very clear, but sometimes it is shaded with subtlety (hints about the emotional state of the writer). In this case, the ship seems to be boasting.

Ba, It would be easier if you e-mailed me at brokeenough@aol.com because I would love to help with your English! It is fun for me; it makes me think about things in my language that I take for granted and helps me learn to explain things more clearly (I want to be a teacher someday...if I ever get out of school, I'll be old and grey! ...I made a rhyme teehee!). Plus, I can use media to enhance my explanations since I don't know Vietnamese! :) I could even send you a Power Point presentation, Haha!

Blue skies! Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 17, 2009
Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Are you actually stalking me, Rajiv?? Seriously, I am not that worthy. But I understand that you might be intrigued by me; my personality and style is overwhelmingly nice while yours is just bordering on a personality disorder.

If you continue on in this flagrantly unprofessional manner, I will be forced to take steps to see that you are censored.

Embrace harmony or shut up, you are boring me now.

Sincerely (<that, my nemesis, is paradoxically insincere),

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 17, 2009
Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

The first stanza is generally exposition, the second gives further details or maybe a anecdote, and the third might provide some kind of conflict.

Good info! Crimany! It is so complicated. Good thing I am learning it for fun and at my own pace...

Did your Shakespeare class get easier as you went along?

I will go read some more, and then try to write it again.

Thanks, Noto! :)
Jeannie   
Dec 17, 2009
Essays / University Exam Paper on King Lear: How to get started? Focus? Main points? [5]

I don't know how to get started? Intro-thesis?

Hi, AGD!

Don't worry about an intro/thesis when you are blocked. Just pick up a pen and notebook and start writing everything you remember about the play. How it made you feel, what you learned, what it was about, what characters come to mind; write it all out in a scribble if you want, and soon the ideas will really start to come. When the ideas strike you, scribble a circle around them and keep writing. At the end you should have a few things to focus on, and you can begin organizing your paper.

The thesis will also present itself in free-writing. What really sticks in your mind about King Lear IV?

I hope this helps!

Blue skies!

jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / common app feedback - a topic of your choice - i prefer choirs [3]

"Stop, stop. Second violins, it's a C sharp not a C. Bar 15 again please." I sighed. Barely 20 minutes into the weekly orchestra practice and we must have had repeated that cursed bar almost 50 times. From where I was in the woodwind section, I rolled my eyes. The second violins were the least experienced musicians in the group. Having just gotten a basic grasp of their instruments, they were unsure of themselves.T he notes squeaking out of their violins withhad a probability ratio of 5:1 in favor of producing the wrong note.

This thought ends too abruptly. In order to go from here to the next paragraph, I would say something like, "But the second violin section is an important part of the Orchestra, the team, and every musician starts at the beginning. It takes a lot of practice to master a skill." <I made that up, but you get my drift...Now you can talk about how much work goes into honing your skill.
Jeannie   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Emmanuel "a person who has had a significant influence on you"-CommonApp [2]

This is good! Just a few minor things left to neaten up, I think.

One would worry if it went ona day went by without one a troublemaker or two testing the tempers of employeesan employee's temper .

The use of first person (One) got confusing when you used "one" again, as a number this time, within the same short sentence...

hoping to be spared of their antics,

It is unclear to me whether "their" is the running kids or the librarian...

'Their' as Librarians - "hoping to steer clear of their wrath"
'Their' as the misbehaving kids - "hoping to be spared their antics"

pushed it down aisles

down the aisles.

Most days, I felt the routine dullness(??)ism of working at a library would never end.

You may want to consider striking this entire sentence and using the idea later...it really doesn't add much at this juncture.

At times I shelved and, while no one else watched, hid behind aisles to read novels labeled as "returns". Never did it occur to me that I would soon be leaving the silence of the adult section for somewhere far more interesting---and loud.

When no one was watching, I would put aside my work and hide behind the aisles to read the novels labeled "returns." I had become comfortable in my routine. It never occurred to me that...

"The children's section was more like an unconventional nursery rather than a quiet place to read. The children congregated around the computers, teased their neighbors, and often even picked their noses once or twiceon occasion, displaying a keen aptitude for multi-tasking. <sorry, the visual you provided was so funny, I felt compelled to add to it :) At the time, my position certainly seemed less than endearing; after all, insect and dinosaur picture books had replaced Shakespeare and Austen. But one boy caught my immediate attention, he was certainly different from the rest.

This part is charming. Hope this helps! Be back in a bit.

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / " I wanted my own disposable income" - Tutoring & cognitive science (ACTIVITY) [6]

I see nothing wrong here...anyone else? This is a good 150 word essay. Maybe the last sentence could be better.

Tutoring ended up being as much of a learning experience on my part as on my students'.

"Tutoring became a valuable learning experience, not only for my student, but for me as well."

Good luck!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "How music transformed me, my future".. Common application Essay [8]

You get the "Best Essay Today" prize!!

The gradation of the years was like a spectrum of colors, most colorful as I neared the future. The lyrics of my life have been written, but I aspire to transform them into a song.

Don't you dare change of word of this ending! It brought tears to my eyes! BRAVO!

I forgot what part I was going to correct...hang on...BRB (just minor things)

I was enervated and scared to face my peers.

Is enervated the right word here? You use it again, by the way, in paragraph 5 "Cracking my knuckles, and trying to enervate the earthquake rumbling in my heart..." I'm not a big fan of this word...how about "quell" the earthquake, or just plain ol' nervous and afraid to face your peers? Boring, but better than enervated - reminds me of the central nervous system of a cyborg. :) stay with me here...

it vacuumed away my fears of judgment from school.

I like the vacuumed away part, it is the judgment from school that is weirdly prosed. "it vacuumed away my fears and vanquished the memory of judgmental schoolmates" Melodramatic? Yes, but better than boring. :)

I absolutely love this essay, mm, break a leg!

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "a very diversified lifestyle" - Stanford's "Letter to roommate" [5]

Good job overall!

People like honesty as bees like honey.

...or "the same as" Better yet "People are drawn to honesty like bees to
honey."

toss out their philosophy

"Toss out" would work better for people who abandon their philosophy. How about "people who hold rigidly to their philosophy despite clear evidence of its fallacy."

who don't insist on using the bathroom every Monday at 6 am.

<teehee...I hate when that happens! :)

Those people are grounddid you mean to say "bound" ?? for great companionship and understanding.

even if you said "grounds" it sounds strange because 'grounds' is more like a 'reason' in this context. Hmmm.

I can pretty much get along with anyone

High-tech addicts, history lovers orand music experts are all my friends.

I find great happiness fromin getting to know and befriend with people at places I visited , from a the new Starbucks at the local mall, to a small, uptown, Big Boy restaurant.

Is there such a thing as a small, uptown, Big-Boy's restaurant?? Perhaps you meant to say, "small-town Big Boy's..."

These are minor issues. I hope this helps! I will be back tomorrow to see what you think and address the last part of your essay.

Blue skies,

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 18, 2009
Poetry / Poem about Nothing.... [10]

bilal ABUZENAH
It's about the war in Iraq, yeah? That is what I got very plainly anyway...
Jeannie   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / " I wanted my own disposable income" - Tutoring & cognitive science (ACTIVITY) [6]

I do the same thing! I just fill space with "whatever" until I or someone else can lend a fresh eye to it. In fact there's practically a whole thread somewhere on here of the beginning to a story I wrote that is almost entirely dedicated to coming up with a better way to say something. Ha! Not kidding. We have kinda shelved it for now...

BTW, I have learned so much by helping on this site. Stick around and read some more essays! It really helps to know what different people think about your writing, so don't be afraid to give comprehensive feedback. We are all learning from each other on here just like you and your student. :)
Jeannie   
Dec 19, 2009
Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Boddhisatva

`A NEW WORD! YAY...BRB, Ahhh! I believe you are right, Kevin, Noto missed his calling (good thing:)

Five plays and six essays in one semester ... it has been a dizzying pace!

Crimany! Which reminds me, there's a guy on here who wants ideas for his essay about King Lear. He hasn't written anything yet (I asked him to at least gimme something...we'll see), and I can't really help with the content, having never read "King Lear VI or IV...whatever...:D

Oh, I see Kevin helped him out, whew!

That 92% is cause for celebration, BTW...white chocolate!

See ya!
Jeannie   
Dec 20, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

When it's subjunctive, use "were". When it's indicative, use "was"

Good info! Here is a site I found that explains in more detail:

englishplus/grammar/00000031.htm

Thanks, timeturner36!
Jeannie   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for entering into SCAD: selected major Photography and film/television [2]

The photography I am interested in is documentary, scenic, people and families as they interact, set photography.<oh no, this won't do * I'm not a photographer that likes to stay in a studio, I like traveling and being out side. I don't like fake, I like pulling the emotions out of people so you have a true feeling of who they are and what they do.

*I am sorry to say this, but this whole paragraph sounds more like a personal ad than an academic composition. your first sentence was so good! What happened?

Jennifer, is this free-writing? Free writing is a great tool for organizing your thoughts, but it needs a certain level of revision to be coherent. That said, I think you need to get stepping on this beat. It is weird that you start off so strong, get really weak in the middle (almost like another person entirely), and then come on workably strong again below.

I am going to come back and do a quick-fix on the last part, but I hope you will re-work the middle. Until then,
Blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / NCSSM admissons essay: adversity [7]

katielady108
Don't panic, katie. Cutting words is easy. Go through one more time, and figure out what is truly important and what is irrelevant. I will be back in a bit to help.

PS. Be sure to keep this copy intact in case you need a longer essay in the future ;)

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / NCSSM admissons essay: adversity [7]

chop that whole first para,

That is exactly how I started my edit! I invested almost an hour on revision, and then I lost it somehow. It just vanished. Thanks for picking this up, Kevin!
Jeannie   
Dec 22, 2009
Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Hi, Yvette!
Can you tell me what the letters mean? I am just trying to learn this on my own (with the help of y'all of course(:. In fact, I only recently learned there was such a thing as meter! Not kidding.

Any insight you can give is appreciated. If you have links to sites that have more examples of sonnets or metered poetry, that would be really cool to. But first explain the ababcdcd thing.

Thanks!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Personal Issue - The Language English [5]

smoke of air.

"puff of smoke" :D

This is excellent, Yaasha! I read it in less than a minute and enjoyed every sentence. Very clever subject, and you told your story well.

I did have to read the last sentence twice...

Every day I walk into my 6th period class hoping to learn something new, probably a more professional way to talk to my manager, a more efficient way to comfort a friend having a bad day. And as the striking rays reflect off my shiny skin, intensifying the pressure around me, I know I have a long way to fully <"long way" is a distance...how about "I still have much to explore" -?? explore the language that will portray Yaasha Hasan in just a piece of paper- the English language.<this seems misplaced...

Blue skies!

Jeannie