Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: I'm from an Island! [7]

"I had become so fixated on one star that I sensed my reality almost shifting, and the world as I knew it seemed to crash down around me.felt the world crash down before me . The star was so full of life that it seemed invincible; it had blinded me, and I fell victim to the rest of my senses. On the brink of becoming entranced, as I became entranced with the light show before me, it happened. The star died.

Undergraduate / Common app LONG essay - person who had significant influence on you (aunt, bro) [5]

This is Good, Alex!

A different girl exits the bus that afternoon-one thatwho is pale, withdrawn, and upset.

When I first hear d this story as a child, ...

My quiet voice made teachers shout for me to speak up, attracted bullies' cruel jokes, and turned oral presentations into public embarrassments.there is something a bit awkward in this sentence, but I can't really say why...

Transforming a blank page into a beautiful work of art or a tantalizing story ...

Awesome!

Research Papers / political courage display, Cory Booker! [3]

Sorry, Caren, I just saw this...I hope she does well! I see that you have been helpful to others, and I regret that I wasn't able to help you in time - there are soooo many essays!

BTW, is your sister allowed to use this sight? Perhaps she can submit her writing for feedback a little sooner :) I understand she is very young, so it's no problem if you submit for her - you're a good sister -, I was just wondering.

Blue skies!

Graduate / LSE International Relations grad essay - correct [5]


21st century is about as modern as it gets...


These sentences don't tie in very well. You should expand the thought a little, or leave it out. Actually, the rest of the first paragraph runs off in a different direction, so my advise is to complete the thought you started regarding your family ties, then start a new paragraph.


After you fix the first paragraph, the beginning of this one will undoubtedly have to change a little.


I really like this statement; it says a lot about you! One part, though, has me scratching my head..."Studying management and mandarin, my goal..."

This is important to say, but I think it could be said better. Maybe "Having studied...?"

You speak English, Mandarin, German, and Hungarian?! Criminy, that's impressive!


If you are going to say "as an energetic and active child..." I think you should leave out "early on" - it seems redundant. This part needs a little more work. Can you re-organize it with the suggestions I gave? I don't really know your story well enough to say the correct things...

Good job so far! Re-work this first part, and I will help with the rest. Thanks in advance for helping others! You have a lot to give.

Psst> I will see if I can get another contributor or moderator to tag-team and also to answer your question about suggestions for schools...I think this would be great for any school - with minor changes to suit the intention, of course.Unless they charge a fee to try, I say go for all of them! :)

Blue skies!
Jeannie

Undergraduate / Eating roti canai - common application long answer [3]

I am Starving now! But first...

You might probably think that this is (...) complicated name and the Indian waiters, but ...

UsThe (or just Malasians') Malaysians' love for Roti Canai probably began during the colonial times, when it was generously ...
Since then, the Roti Canai has earned its position as one of the three most popular foods in this country (where are you?) . It even hashas even been reinvented more times than Madonna, from being: or ; it has been twisted into different shapes and adorned with additions of the weirdest possible fillings ever.

But the whole Roti Canai experience extends from just originates in theits unique?? taste alone . Since I was a kid I loved to watch how the cook would lovingly knead, stretch, and flip the dough into ...

He would then toss it onto the grill and it is allowed to crispen upuntil the crispness was just right. Waiters hu ng around the grill like vultures, waiting to snap up the bread the moment they areit was ready.

My attention is drawn back to the circular piece ... What sheer bliss! Yum!

... group of students in the corner, or the Western tourists behind me, it feelsis amazing how to see how all ...
It is atduring moments like this when I ...

This is an excellent descriptive essay! Well written over all, but make sure all of your tenses are correct - the nature of the essay is to bounce from memory to present tense, so it makes it a little trickier to get it right...also, lose the contractions.

The essay doesn't say where you are when you are in the present...I would like to know...
I am not sure whether or not it is appropriate for a common app essay because I never had to apply to college (I was middle age when I entered community college through the military, so the application process consisted of signing on the dotted line and forking over the dough:), but maybe someone else can advise you on that.

This was a real pleasure to read, Ashwini, and if you change nothing, they are only minor errors. Good job.
Blue skies!
Jeannie Oops! I forgot to address the first paragraph!

"You might probably think that this is an Indian restaurant, with a in light of the complicated name and the Indian waiters, but I prefer to think of it as a Malaysian eatery."

"At that moment a waiter suddenly flings a piece of bread onto my banana leaf." <this bounced back to the present too fast for me...

Undergraduate / 'tremendous opportunities' - Brown: Interest and Appeal to Brown [3]



that creates an infatuation...Hmmm, I think you can do better with this description. Being infatuated with a computer is kinda creepy :)

Your second paragraph needs a lot of work on the organization aspect.

I like the last line you put in, keep it. Work some changes and post a second draft. I will be happy to proof it again.

Blue skies!
Jeannie

Writing Feedback / Need help with sociology essay: Panopticon of Our Time [9]

WOW! Ok, the subject matter is beyond me, but I will try to tidy-up the spelling and punctuation for you...

... have given birth to a new kind of cyborgs .
... within the codes of a binary system of organisms; ...

They attacked the World Trade Center , which created reasons (...) to attack countries suspected withof having ties to Al-Qaeda.

... declared as enemy combatant, and brought to various detention facilities around the world for the interrogation and power experiments.
... operated within the borders of the continental United States US) , making these (...) rights code of USA . The d etention Campsat Guantanamo Bay and Abu Gharib spell check...>here you are digressing to an almost manic, certainly speculative discourse. Needs citation for credibility>> are equipped with surveillance systems ...

I am confused about the purpose of your essay after having read just the first paragraph. It is comprehensive, but it has more of a science fiction feel to it that academic or sociological. You need a clearer thesis statement; something that tells the reader what the content of the paper or your argument will encompass.

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]


This is difficult to understand, Ba. Were your father's shoes burned in the funeral ritual to make sure he couldn't walk this earth after death; to be sure he was able to walk to "heaven"? I am curious about the symbolism.

"Within these of slippers, all was a crack in front of head and full fill mud stain." This sounds like you are saying that the mourning band felt too tight around your head, and the pain in your head, combined with the loss of your father and watching his shoes burn (the last of him - finality) made you feel faint...

Haha! My imagination is no doubt getting the best of me. Can you explain what the first part means?

Blue skies! (that means I hope your days are easy and filled with happiness and sunshine)

Jeannie

Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]

Well why didn't you say so?! <haha> Your writing is filled with beautiful imagery regardless of the fact that it is not perfect English; it touches the soul.

You are getting better every day, just slow down a little when you translate to English. Your stories are a pleasure to read!

I still do not understand the part about mud-filled cracks in your head. tee-hee! :D

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]


I have never uttered the word 'onomatopoeia' out loud (I have no idea how to pronounce it...), but I did have cause to use 'behoove' the other day. :D So many good words, so little time.

sorry for hijacking the thread, sO...carry on.

Writing Feedback / Need help with sociology essay: Panopticon of Our Time [9]


This explains a lot. In order to do away with the science fiction feel that you have created in the first paragraph, how about comparing Harroway's argument with that of the prisoners at Guantanamo and Abu Graib. I am making this up here, but...

Harroway (2009) argues that women from certain ethnic origins have been made into cyborgs, doing exactly what they have been programmed to do (or whatever she said, you see?), this is much the same with prisoners...

Again, just a made-up example to clarify your mission, and you thesis statement.

Hope this helps! The extra information you provided really helped me (I was beginning to worry about your state of mind, haha!:)

Jeannie (you can call me 'Queen' if you want, teehee:D)

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]


Ah Ha! I understand what Kevin is saying now! You could expand the last sentence with a listing of general areas of study that support your main idea (no bullets, please, don't make me get out the ruler...)

Kevin, are you saying to write something like (making it up again...):

...interesting findings have emerged through the study of prenatal hormonal influences, chocolate pudding intake, birth order, and even hand-dominance.

Hmm, that would be better!

Poetry / Beauty (poem) [5]

Sigh, really pretty.

Is it "lay" or "lies??" <that one always gets me...

I am trying to learn IP, so this was a good example, thanks!

I almost got stuck at "What left of nature is there to admire?" then I read it again. The stress is on 'is', right?

Anyway...

Blue skies!

Poetry / HE WAS NOT A TEACHER.... [7]

bilal ABUZENAH

Hi, Bilal! Nice to see you back (where ya been??).

This poem is interesting, though I agree with Akua that it is ambiguous. Did you see your teacher's mug-shot in the morning paper or something? One small line of clarity would help this immensely. For instance, if your poem was about a teacher who got arrested, a stark 'headline' could be worked in with the poem <does that make any sense??

I have about ten million poems (exaggerating again...) written in times of angst that no one would understand; they could be good, but they are only good enough for me at this point, haha! What I would like to see at the beginning of many published poems that are frustratingly enigmatic is a brief explanation by the author. Some might think that would make the poem pointless, but sometimes I would like to see into someones mind for a second, ya know? Same goes for song lyrics.

Oh, well! Blue skies!
Jeannie

Poetry / A Poem about mac and cheese [4]


It would not have dawned on me to rhyme these two words (challange and homage), but I slid right over it without so much as a hitch. Excellent "ear!"

I also agree 100% that the french fry can't hold a candle to mac 'n cheese! :)

Poetry / HE WAS NOT A TEACHER.... [7]

Thanks for the critique of my personality, Rajiv. Was your intention to piss me off? You should try to know someone before you attempt such utterances; you would appear less foolish and malevolent that way...

Blues,

Jeannie

If you would take the time to left click on my name, you will be privy to every post I have ever made, and you will see that I am sincere. 'Blue skies' is very special to me, and everyone else gets it, so shut up. Thanks!

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

No, haha! I just started writing and this is what came out (Freudian?? Bad attitude?) Who knows. I just wanted to play with the rhythm of IP and write it as a sonnet. That's why I said to disregard the content because it's crap-py...I will discard it as soon as it's usefulness has ended. haha! I need some inspiration. I need to go see some more sonnets. Can you recommend any? I know Shakespeare was the king, but I need to start simpler...

Thanks, jonathan!


Oh, BTW, I was thinking about mean people who look down on good people because they want to make themselves feel better. I wonder if it is possible that this poem brought out Rajiv's evilness?? No, I don't believe in that kind of mumbo jumbo...or do I? Look at the timeline, though, weird...(See our forum for explanation. ;))


Yeah, it is very sing-songy. I am hoping to learn it well enough to understand how to quit that...I am counting syllables on my fingers still. :)

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]


It is metaphor (pretty words that compare something to the real thing). In the first case, the woman is wishing she was a treasure chest - a metaphor for someone who is filled with lovely and valuable things. In the second, she says that she will have intricate carvings- meaning she will have much knowledge and experience. Intricate means precise, and you know what carving means...to make cuts into something. Life cuts experiences, good and bad, into your soul, and you are like an intricately carved treasure chest in the end! :)

You are exactly right in the second example. The strange thing about metaphor is that it is left for the reader to interpret; sometimes it is very clear, but sometimes it is shaded with subtlety (hints about the emotional state of the writer). In this case, the ship seems to be boasting.

Ba, It would be easier if you e-mailed me at brokeenough@aol.com because I would love to help with your English! It is fun for me; it makes me think about things in my language that I take for granted and helps me learn to explain things more clearly (I want to be a teacher someday...if I ever get out of school, I'll be old and grey! ...I made a rhyme teehee!). Plus, I can use media to enhance my explanations since I don't know Vietnamese! :) I could even send you a Power Point presentation, Haha!

Blue skies! Jeannie

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Are you actually stalking me, Rajiv?? Seriously, I am not that worthy. But I understand that you might be intrigued by me; my personality and style is overwhelmingly nice while yours is just bordering on a personality disorder.

If you continue on in this flagrantly unprofessional manner, I will be forced to take steps to see that you are censored.

Embrace harmony or shut up, you are boring me now.

Sincerely (<that, my nemesis, is paradoxically insincere),

Jeannie

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]


Good info! Crimany! It is so complicated. Good thing I am learning it for fun and at my own pace...

Did your Shakespeare class get easier as you went along?

I will go read some more, and then try to write it again.

Thanks, Noto! :)

Essays / University Exam Paper on King Lear: How to get started? Focus? Main points? [5]


Hi, AGD!

Don't worry about an intro/thesis when you are blocked. Just pick up a pen and notebook and start writing everything you remember about the play. How it made you feel, what you learned, what it was about, what characters come to mind; write it all out in a scribble if you want, and soon the ideas will really start to come. When the ideas strike you, scribble a circle around them and keep writing. At the end you should have a few things to focus on, and you can begin organizing your paper.

The thesis will also present itself in free-writing. What really sticks in your mind about King Lear IV?

I hope this helps!

Blue skies!

jeannie

Undergraduate / common app feedback - a topic of your choice - i prefer choirs [3]


This thought ends too abruptly. In order to go from here to the next paragraph, I would say something like, "But the second violin section is an important part of the Orchestra, the team, and every musician starts at the beginning. It takes a lot of practice to master a skill." <I made that up, but you get my drift...Now you can talk about how much work goes into honing your skill.

Undergraduate / Emmanuel "a person who has had a significant influence on you"-CommonApp [2]

This is good! Just a few minor things left to neaten up, I think.


The use of first person (One) got confusing when you used "one" again, as a number this time, within the same short sentence...


It is unclear to me whether "their" is the running kids or the librarian...

'Their' as Librarians - "hoping to steer clear of their wrath"
'Their' as the misbehaving kids - "hoping to be spared their antics"


down the aisles.


You may want to consider striking this entire sentence and using the idea later...it really doesn't add much at this juncture.


When no one was watching, I would put aside my work and hide behind the aisles to read the novels labeled "returns." I had become comfortable in my routine. It never occurred to me that...

"The children's section was more like an unconventional nursery rather than a quiet place to read. The children congregated around the computers, teased their neighbors, and often even picked their noses once or twiceon occasion, displaying a keen aptitude for multi-tasking. <sorry, the visual you provided was so funny, I felt compelled to add to it :) At the time, my position certainly seemed less than endearing; after all, insect and dinosaur picture books had replaced Shakespeare and Austen. But one boy caught my immediate attention, he was certainly different from the rest.

This part is charming. Hope this helps! Be back in a bit.

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Undergraduate / " I wanted my own disposable income" - Tutoring & cognitive science (ACTIVITY) [6]

I see nothing wrong here...anyone else? This is a good 150 word essay. Maybe the last sentence could be better.


"Tutoring became a valuable learning experience, not only for my student, but for me as well."

Good luck!

Jeannie

Undergraduate / "How music transformed me, my future".. Common application Essay [8]

You get the "Best Essay Today" prize!!


Don't you dare change of word of this ending! It brought tears to my eyes! BRAVO!

I forgot what part I was going to correct...hang on...BRB (just minor things)


Is enervated the right word here? You use it again, by the way, in paragraph 5 "Cracking my knuckles, and trying to enervate the earthquake rumbling in my heart..." I'm not a big fan of this word...how about "quell" the earthquake, or just plain ol' nervous and afraid to face your peers? Boring, but better than enervated - reminds me of the central nervous system of a cyborg. :) stay with me here...


I like the vacuumed away part, it is the judgment from school that is weirdly prosed. "it vacuumed away my fears and vanquished the memory of judgmental schoolmates" Melodramatic? Yes, but better than boring. :)

I absolutely love this essay, mm, break a leg!

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Undergraduate / "a very diversified lifestyle" - Stanford's "Letter to roommate" [5]

Good job overall!


...or "the same as" Better yet "People are drawn to honesty like bees to
honey."


"Toss out" would work better for people who abandon their philosophy. How about "people who hold rigidly to their philosophy despite clear evidence of its fallacy."


<teehee...I hate when that happens! :)


even if you said "grounds" it sounds strange because 'grounds' is more like a 'reason' in this context. Hmmm.




Is there such a thing as a small, uptown, Big-Boy's restaurant?? Perhaps you meant to say, "small-town Big Boy's..."

These are minor issues. I hope this helps! I will be back tomorrow to see what you think and address the last part of your essay.

Blue skies,

Jeannie

Poetry / Poem about Nothing.... [10]

bilal ABUZENAH
It's about the war in Iraq, yeah? That is what I got very plainly anyway...

Essays / University Exam Paper on King Lear: How to get started? Focus? Main points? [5]

If you can provide at least a rough draft, that would be helpful...

Just start writing here if you want and don't worry so much about the grammar for now.

Undergraduate / " I wanted my own disposable income" - Tutoring & cognitive science (ACTIVITY) [6]

I do the same thing! I just fill space with "whatever" until I or someone else can lend a fresh eye to it. In fact there's practically a whole thread somewhere on here of the beginning to a story I wrote that is almost entirely dedicated to coming up with a better way to say something. Ha! Not kidding. We have kinda shelved it for now...

BTW, I have learned so much by helping on this site. Stick around and read some more essays! It really helps to know what different people think about your writing, so don't be afraid to give comprehensive feedback. We are all learning from each other on here just like you and your student. :)

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]


`A NEW WORD! YAY...BRB, Ahhh! I believe you are right, Kevin, Noto missed his calling (good thing:)


Crimany! Which reminds me, there's a guy on here who wants ideas for his essay about King Lear. He hasn't written anything yet (I asked him to at least gimme something...we'll see), and I can't really help with the content, having never read "King Lear VI or IV...whatever...:D

Oh, I see Kevin helped him out, whew!

That 92% is cause for celebration, BTW...white chocolate!

See ya!

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]


:D

I dunno...It looks like they're hollering at me...:)

Blue skies!

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]


Good info! Here is a site I found that explains in more detail:

englishplus/grammar/00000031.htm

Thanks, timeturner36!

Undergraduate / " I wanted my own disposable income" - Tutoring & cognitive science (ACTIVITY) [6]


Oy...

Undergraduate / Essay for entering into SCAD: selected major Photography and film/television [2]


*I am sorry to say this, but this whole paragraph sounds more like a personal ad than an academic composition. your first sentence was so good! What happened?

Jennifer, is this free-writing? Free writing is a great tool for organizing your thoughts, but it needs a certain level of revision to be coherent. That said, I think you need to get stepping on this beat. It is weird that you start off so strong, get really weak in the middle (almost like another person entirely), and then come on workably strong again below.

I am going to come back and do a quick-fix on the last part, but I hope you will re-work the middle. Until then,
Blue skies!
Jeannie

Undergraduate / NCSSM admissons essay: adversity [7]

katielady108
Don't panic, katie. Cutting words is easy. Go through one more time, and figure out what is truly important and what is irrelevant. I will be back in a bit to help.

PS. Be sure to keep this copy intact in case you need a longer essay in the future ;)

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Undergraduate / Common App Topic Of Your Choice Essay Interweaving Football with Education [4]

Oops! Thanks, Kevin! I was away typing you a message when you were already here! Weirrrrd. Disregard my message then. :D
Jeannie

Undergraduate / NCSSM admissons essay: adversity [7]


That is exactly how I started my edit! I invested almost an hour on revision, and then I lost it somehow. It just vanished. Thanks for picking this up, Kevin!

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Hi, Yvette!
Can you tell me what the letters mean? I am just trying to learn this on my own (with the help of y'all of course(:. In fact, I only recently learned there was such a thing as meter! Not kidding.

Any insight you can give is appreciated. If you have links to sites that have more examples of sonnets or metered poetry, that would be really cool to. But first explain the ababcdcd thing.

Thanks!
Jeannie

Undergraduate / Personal Issue - The Language English [5]


"puff of smoke" :D

This is excellent, Yaasha! I read it in less than a minute and enjoyed every sentence. Very clever subject, and you told your story well.

I did have to read the last sentence twice...


Blue skies!

Jeannie