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Posts by nimbus2k2
Name: Nguyễn Minh Huyền
Joined: Jun 11, 2019
Last Post: Aug 2, 2019
Threads: 8
Posts: 25  
Likes: 6
From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 33
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nimbus2k2   
Jul 31, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Knowledge taught at school [4]

compulsory subjects issue



School should be a place where students work toward academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery dressmaking, and woodwork should be not taught at school as they are best learned at home from family and friends. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Schools are the academic environment for students to gain intellectual knowledge and advance towards academic goals, therefore it is unnecessary to learn domestic skills at school. From my point of view, this statement is true to some extent.

Schools are the place for academic targets and achievements. The knowledge students receive at school is undoubtedly important since it does not only change students' concept of the world but also prepare them for the future. The process of absorbing professional knowledge takes longer time and more effort than getting familiar to soft skills. Besides, basic culinary skills or needlework can be taught outside school or self-learned, while school subjects required to be taught by qualified teachers.

On the other hand, adding these skills to schools' curriculums presents its benefits. Firstly, as these are vital life skills or even survival skills, students are certain to learn them at some point of life. Learning anything at a young age produces more positive results compared to learning later in life. Secondly, it is unfortunate that a number of adults did not realize the importance of these skills as children, then growing up regretting not learning them sooner. Hence it is worthy to get acquainted to domestic skills at school as part of the timetable since they will come in handy in the future. For instance, when students go to university and live on campus, they will be able to cook for themselves or do the washing.

In conclusion, compulsory subjects at school may not include soft skills as academic knowledge is the main concentration. However, these skills should be considered as the complement for the curriculum for the sake of students.
nimbus2k2   
Jul 30, 2019
Writing Feedback / People are losing the ability to communicate face to face (too much of technology in relationships) [3]

Hi @maiko tran
Just as @Maria suggested, make sure you follow the common essay structure. It's equally important to pay attention to your grammar and vocab:
- You wrote first in the first paragraph, so there must be second in the succeeding sentences
- in the are of the digital world
- That is a specific case for many others
- Another reason is that... online chatting. - uncompleted sentence
- maintain daily conversations with closers
- The ideas in your last sentence somehow is not connected. You may separate them into different sentences with proper explanations.

Try to replace informal words with academic ones so your essay sounds more "professional". This can be improved with regular practice.

Keep working on your skills and good luck.
nimbus2k2   
Jul 30, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS1 - the amount of electricity produced by different fuels in Australia and France [3]

Hey @s410377088
Your writing consists of no information on oil and hydro power. Of course there's no need to stuff all the figures in your writing, but there should be some comparisons for these 2 categories of the charts between 1980 and 2000.

The sentences are well-written. However, applying various different structures to them is definitely making them more impressive. Also use synonyms for repetitive words such as produce. Practice makes perfect.

Hope my feedback helps!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 28, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Annual pay for doctors and other workers [5]

yearly salaries for doctors and other types of employees



Topic: The chart below shows the annual pay (thousands of US dollars) for doctors and other workers in seven countries in 2004. Summarize the information and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart demonstrates the yearly salaries for doctors and other types of employees in 7 nations in 2004. The figures are in thousands of US dollars.

Overall, the pay for doctors was higher than for other workers in all 7 countries. In the United States both professions were paid the highest compared to other countries.

Doctors in France and Switzerland received the same amount of money of 70 thousand dollars. There were minor differences among the income of doctors in Italy, Czech Republic and Germany (about 2 or 3 thousand). American doctors were paid exactly 120 thousand US dollars, nearly tripled the salary of Finnish doctors.

For other members of the labor force, Italians, Czechs and Germans had the same wage of 20 thousand dollars. The number were 30 and 25 for workers in France and Finland respectively. In Switzerland they received 40 thousand per year, whereas employees in the States got 5 thousand more than the Swiss.




nimbus2k2   
Jul 26, 2019
Writing Feedback / Waste recycling and law - Argumentative essay [5]

Hi @qromj19
I agree that your opinion in the introduction and in the conclusion is incompatible. Your point must remain unchanged throughout the essay.

A recent news about recycling reported only 20% of waste collected from a council in south Australia: This is an uncompleted sentence. Just check its structure.

Apart from that, your essay consists of diversed vocab and the complement of examples. That's a plus.

Overall, I find your writing impressive. Hope you find my comment useful!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 26, 2019
Writing Feedback / Should government control excessive salaries? [5]

Hey @Ann_Ng, you have done quite well on this essay. However, pay attention to your grammar and vocab:
- the unforeseen unforeseeable risks
- On the one hand
- The phrase let them free to manage their salaries by low tax collection seems confusing because of your word choice
- support provide a certain amount of money for someone
- 18 year olds
- makes sure for guarantees all of the basic needs
- hard-working people

Use a variety of conjunctions and sentence structures so your essay appears less plain. In the last sentence of the introduction, discuss both views and giving the pros & cons are the same. In addition, you didn't state your opinion while it is required for this essay type.

Anyway this essay is a big improvement compared to your last one. Congrats! Hope you keep doing well in the future.
nimbus2k2   
Jul 25, 2019
Writing Feedback / Some people say that education system is the only critical factor to the growth of a country. [4]

Hi @educator0402
Your structure is clear, but be careful when choosing words. Here are some corrections:
- illiteracy is better than illiterate people rate
- opportunities for almost most citizens
- contributes to have healthier residents

There are repetitive words such as development, productive or factors that can be replaced with synonyms: enhancement, effective and elements/categories.

Beside all things mentioned, the focus of each paragraph is clear, so that's a plus.

Hope you do well!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 25, 2019
Writing Feedback / Having more money and less free time is better than earning less and having more free time? [4]

Hi there @Ann_Ng
You didn't provide the complete essay topic so I don't know what type of essay this is. However, in the introduction you stated: This essay will discuss the pros and cons of two aspects. That means for 2 body paragraphs, each must describe both pros and cons of one aspect. I see that these 2 paragraphs of yours are not balanced.

Many of your sentences is lengthy and confusing. Also the main point of each paragraph should be right in its first sentence. Consider rewriting them to clarify their meanings. Focus on conjuctions connecting the sentences in body paragraphs to create a smooth flow.

Adding more academic words to your essay helps increase band score. Besides there are wording mistakes, such as:
- currency is not a synonym of money
- the indispensable condition factor
- the youth (noun) young (adj) generation...
There are more mistakes that can be easily found out. Just correct them in your own way.

Hope you find my comment useful.
nimbus2k2   
Jul 24, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: International conferences in 3 cities [4]

the number of conferences hosted in some capital cities



Topic: The graph shows the information about international conferences in 3 capital cities in 1980-2010. Summarize the information and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph illustrates the data in three capital cities in terms of the number of international conferences during the period of 1980-2010

Overall, the number of such conferences in city A and city B dropped over the years, while the figures of city C witnessed the opposite until 2000.

In 1980, there were 35 and 30 conferences in city A and city B respectively. After 5 years the difference in figures was approximately 7 conferences and both experienced a minor increase in 1990. Between 1980 and 1990, the number of international conferences in city C rose substantially from zero to 20 conferences. This number continued to climb and met the figure of city B at 25 in 1995.

More conferences were hosted in city C after 1995, while in city A and B fewer took place. The number of conferences in these two cities when through some fluctuations whereas the figure of city C peaked at 35 in 2000. After 2005 the data of all three cities followed the downward trend.




nimbus2k2   
Jul 23, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: More good news on the media [4]

Topic:

The media should include more stories which report good news.


To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Some people argue that the social media should spare more coverage for good news. Although I agree with the need for more frequent reports of positive news, negative news remains an indispensable part of our daily news report because of the following points.

It is true that positive news brings its positive vibe to the audiences. Firstly, news about development certainly cheers the audiences up. For example, a report on a new medicine available for curing a fatal disease or a short story of a poor boy receiving help from the community brightens people's mood, in other words make their day. In addition, more goods news instead of the exaggeration of bad news brought to citizens by tabloids or nameless journalists is more beneficial to the society. Pieces of delightful news boost the trust and hope of humanity on good deeds existing around.

However, the less cheerful news holds a vital position in news reports. In cases of emergencies such as a natural disaster, news conveyed immediately to local residents prevents grave danger and reduces casualties. Moreover, sometimes bad news overtakes good news. It is impossible for reporters to avoid airing, as their responsibilities are to transmit all types of news to the audiences. When shocking news hits the headlines, it is pointless to cover it up. All the same truths are to be revealed to citizens. Unnecessary terrible consequences might result from the attempt to hide bad news from social media.

In conclusion, the increase in the amount of positive news leaves beneficial effects on the development of modern citizens. On the other hand, the opposite side of news is to be updated with enough coverage for the same reasons.
nimbus2k2   
Jul 21, 2019
Writing Feedback / Some people predict that, because of the spread of internet news, newspaper will disappear [3]

Hi @leduongminh02
Be sure to check your spellings carefully when typing. There are some minor mistakes:
"other stuffs" - stuff is always in singular form
"buying new ... per day" - better be everyday or daily

Besides, try to apply more academic vocab in your essay, it'll help increase your band score.

Keep moving forward!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 21, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: The graph below shows the pollution levels in London between 1600 and 2000. [6]

Hi @lichien0422, the second paragraph is well-written but just try to change between various structures for the sentences.
The opening sentence and the overview should be in 2 separated paragraphs, and the last sentence should be in the overview. Well, you can choose to leave the overview after the opening or at the end of your writing.

Hope you find this useful!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Money spent on a variety of social spheres by local authorities in Someland in three years [4]

Hi @buianhhong
Overall your sentences are well written with impressive vocabulary. However, be careful with your spellings. Try to paraphrase the keywords, for example K-12 education can be replaced with education at K12 levels.

Try to use different sentence structures for the last paragraph, because I see some appeared in the paragraph above already.

Hope you find my comment useful!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve the poverty problem [4]

Hi @thaivo, your essay consists of quite a lot of mistakes. To name a few:
"In the world, a the distance among between developed ... is becoming more ..."
"a lot of kinds of supports"
"the rest countries"
"From my perspectives"
"will explain out my several ..."

In some sentences the meaning is not very clear:
"..., relief people ... is completely crucial."
"... but also comforts may be existed ..."

Your third paragragh requires more supporting ideas. And don't use idioms if you are not sure how. I suggest you work on your vocabulary so you may apply more academic words in your essays. And keep practicing your writing!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 10, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Teachers' influence on children bigger than impact of parents? [4]

shaping children's well-being



Topic: For school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Children of young ages are easily affected by the adults around them, in terms of intelligence and social development. Although it is true that teachers have more significant impact on children's academic knowledge, I believe parents are more responsible for their socialization.

The school teachers' job are meant to broaden the knowledge of children and enhance their abilities. All teachers must have gone through strict education and training, making them qualified enough to help their students to discover new horizons. In addition, teachers have indispensable skills in working with children, take care of their different individual needs and at the same time deal with unexpected situations, especially when it comes to young kids. Besides, the subjects students learn at school are theoretical knowledge that changes children's concept of the world. Certainly, teachers are the most suitable adults to orientate them.

On the other hand, the role of improving children's social life is for their parents. It is undeniable that parents are the first people that kids reach out to when they encounter problems, as well as their initial role models. Children tend to imitate their parents' speech and behaviors. Moreover, compared to teachers, parents spend much more time with their own children - more time for kids to pick up good characteristics from their parents. The bond between them is extremely powerful and heartfelt, same as how strong parents' influence on children is.

In conclusion, both parents and teachers hold vital positions in shaping children's well-being. While teachers role is leading them to the world of intellectual knowledge, parents are responsible for developing their social life.
nimbus2k2   
Jul 9, 2019
Writing Feedback / Two different attitudes towards old people [4]

Hey @solivagant, you have done so well on the essay. Both your content and vocabulary is great. There are almost no simple mistakes except this one:

"more parents are seemed to ..."
Seem should be used in active form

This is a formal essay so avoid using abbreviations such as shouldn`t or haven`t. Just write the completed words.

Hope my advice is useful!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 7, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Types of pollution [5]

NOISE POLLUTION IN CITIES AND RURAL AREAS

Topic: The charts illustrate the number of people who were affected by 4 types of noise pollution in day and night in cities and rural areas in 2007. Summarize and make comparison where relevant.

The bar chart presents the number of residents in cities and rural areas affacted by four different kinds of noise pollution during daytime and nighttime in 2007.

Overall, city inhabitants were influenced by noise more than rural ones. The main source of noise came from the traffic.

Traffic noise during the day affected 64 million people living in cities, 30 million more than the number of citizens in rural areas affected. Nighttime traffic noise annoyed 48 million urban residents, doubled the number of rural ones. Noise pollution coming from train was a burden to 10 million and 8 million city residents in day and night respectively. For this category, the difference between the figures of city and rural areas was 2 million people for both day and night

Compared to traffic noise, noise of aircraft influenced 4 million people in cities and half that number in rural areas. At night the figures of two places were the same: 1 million. There were the least number of people disturbed by industrial noise. In big cities, the data was up to 1 million residents during daytime and even fewer at night, whereas rural inhabitants did not experience this type of noise.




nimbus2k2   
Jul 6, 2019
Writing Feedback / ielts writing: explain some of the way in which humans are damaging the environment and solutions [6]

Hi @hinguyn, your essay contains quite a lot of spellings and plurals mistakes and some grammar errors. It's true that you should try to paraphrase more. Your main points are great, but keep all the solutions in just one paragraph.

In some sentences your meaning didn't get across because of the words you used:
- "environment is one ... problem"
"environment" is not a "problem"
- "Firstly, full weight of the law should be ..."
Just rewrite those using other academic words to make them clearer.

Your conclusion is a bit too short, and it has not summarized all your main points in the essay. For the conclusion there should be 2-3 sentences.

Hope you do well!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 5, 2019
Writing Feedback / More animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on endangered list. Causes? Solutions? [4]

Hello! I see some wording mistakes:
"There are certain a number of factors"
"The another culprit"
"It is a actual fact"
"illegal wildlife trade"
"to ban on deforesting"
"Last but not the least"
"impose stricted bans strict prohibition on wildlife damage"

In this phrase this is an active verb, not passive:
"environmental degradation has been also resulted in the species' loss of habitations"

"Coming almost to the brink of extinction" and "being endangered" are of the same meaning, so just use one of them.

With better wording and your abundant vocabulary, this essay is sure to get a band of 7.0 or even higher. Keep trying! Hope you get the best from my advice!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 3, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Opinion on economic growth and its influence on the environment [5]

ECONOMIC GROWTH CAN END HUNGER AND POVERTY. HOWEVER, IT DAMAGES THE ENVIRONMENT.



Topic: Some people say that economic growth is the only way to end world poverty and hunger. Others say that economic growth is damaging the environment and should stop .Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Essay:

Some people assume that economic development is the sole possible solution to put a stop to starvation and poverty. In contrast, others argue that economic growth is the threat to the environment, thus it must end. In my opinion, the second view is more sensible.

It is true that economic advancement has a positive effect on reducing the rate of hunger and poverty. This growth itself is able to raise common living standards, even for citizens of the lowest class. As a result, poor residents are at least provided with bare necessities, such as food or shelter, to maintain their lives. In addition, economic development means the greater demand for labors, creating thousands of job opportunities. More workers lead to not only the decreased rate of unemployment but also a chance for them to sustain their lives in the rapidly changing economy. A stable source of income reduces crime rates as well, since people will not opt for illegal activities to make ends meet.

On the other hand, while humans benefit from economic enhancement, the environment suffers. As the demand for necessities to maintain life rises, more products and services appear. Consequently, these lead to over exploitation and over consumption of natural resources, leaving them almost unable to recover fast enough to fulfil humans' needs. Besides demanding too mush from nature, mandkind returns too much waste, both industrial and domestic, leaving carbon footprints. Dumping waste improperly results in pollution that harms the flora and fauna, negatively influences the earth's diversity.

In conclusion, mankind development and economic growth have to go hand in hand. However, unsustainable development is the cause of environment degradation and even ineffective to the aim of stopping hunger and poverty in the long term.
nimbus2k2   
Jul 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Importance of teacher's role as opposed to parents in the development of students. [2]

Hello @Balocating, I agree with most of @littlecurious's corrections, except replacing "thru" with "through". "Thru" is a correct word.

Here are my advice:

There are some prepositions used incorrectly: "Children spend ... time in school"
... on their mother's womb
...taught in an early age

Also you should check your word choice for these:
"listening to classical sound"
"their wellness dimension"

Your sentences are fine, but try to write compound sentences besides short ones. Compound sentences create the smoother flow for the essay.

Hope you do well with your next IELTS test!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Process Diagram of Producing Reliable Forecasts [2]

Hello! Here are some advice:

"... and the analysis to the sources" may sound more sensible.

"With the data, professionals may...": this long sentence should be split into 2 shorter ones.

There are some prepositions that needs correction. For example "through specific techniques" or "prediction to the weather for the coming week". Just keep checking whether there are similar mistakes in your writing!

Either - or is used when there are only 2 objects mentioned.

One last thing, your final sentence is unecessary. This is Task 1 and you have had an overview, there's no need to include a concluding sentence. Btw there are lots of mistakes in it.

Hope you find my feedback useful!
nimbus2k2   
Jul 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / Due to many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised [2]

Hi there! It is extremely important that you should check your essay carefully again to correct some spelling and grammar mistakes. I'm impressed by your vocabulary, however there are some repetitive words such as "efficiency".

You should consider changing some words. I suggest you replace this with "elderly people":
"While admittedly, the old aged have...".
Here's one that I find a bit hard to understand: "there are decreases in the processing brain".

Besides what I've pointed out, I think your ideas are brilliant! Hope you find my feedback useful!
nimbus2k2   
Jun 11, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Percentage of employment - adults employed in seven sectors [3]

PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION EMPLOYED IN DIFFERENT CATEGORIES

Topic:
The chart shows the percentage of the adult population employed in different categories in 2003 and 2013

My essay:
The bar chart compares the proportion of adults employed in seven sectors: engineering, medical, self-employed, business, hospitality, education and unemployed in 2003 and 2013.
Overall, the percentages of population of engineering, medical and self-employed went up, while the figures of the remaining sectors witnessed the opposite trend.
In 2003, the data of engineering was 16 percent compared to 18 percent in 2013. After 10 years, the figure of the medical sector rose by 8 percent. For the self-employed category, the difference between 2003 and 2013 was 5 percent.

On the contrary, the population proportion of business in 2003 was highest of all (30 percent) and this reduced to the same as the medical sector. The figures of hospitality and education dropped by 2 and 7 percent respectively, whereas the rate of the unemployed category decreased to reach 3 percent in 2013.