Undergraduate / My mother's advice to me. Columbia University Essay. [8]

Yes, because it isn't clear now, as you can see by all of us trying to interpret what you meant. :-)

Clear and direct is always the best way to write nonfiction.

Undergraduate / Commonapp SHORT ANSWER (orchestra performances) [5]

The third attempt is a better one. And I see that you deleted 'jet cold,' and I'm glad because it didn't make sense to me. As your word count is limited, I don't think you can do what the others are suggesting. But the way it is now, it is tantalizing, and that might be even better.

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay- A leader is who I became [2]

Nice logical flow. That's good.

In the first sentence--I don't think countries are serviced, but served. Also, 911 is a phone number. I think you mean 9/11, the date. Little things like this can just kill an otherwise good paper.

Undergraduate / CARE PROGRAM - Why I would like to participate in the CARE program [4]


This is just a bit melodramatic. If you hadn't worried about it up until then, why would your world stop? I think you can leave this bit off. The sentence reads better without it.

Overall, this is a good essay. Just be careful of your commas and phrasing.

Undergraduate / Stanford/Common App Short Answer; 'I started playing soccer at the age of six' [3]

Both of these are very well-written. You've answered the prompts, and you have done so clearly and directly. The vocab is appropriate, and you haven't made yourself sound like the greatest thing to ever come out of high school.

One thing you might do is explain your interest in political science. That's the only flaw I see.

Undergraduate / About experience, country, education - How should I write this essay? [4]

First of all, relax.

Not every student who goes to college is an A student, or an award winner. Most students are just average. I don't think they care so much about that as they do the kind of person you are. Did you work hard in school? Were you dependable? Were you respected by your teachers? These are the things that matter.

In your essay tell the truth. Just realize that you don't have to be world-class great to impress the app committee--just honest and engaging.

Undergraduate / UFl Admission Essay (Important Moment In My Life) [11]

That is absolutely so much better.

Part of the reason you're missing something is because you are. But the subject is a big one, and the word limit prevents your explaining everything. That's why it feels that way.


You can also leave this ut.the reader will, I think, assume that you had a good time if you didn't say otherwise.

Undergraduate / Weightlifting - need help with awkward sentences (common app short answer) [2]


You might just reword it a little, like this:I was encouraged thinking that others better than I had been through similar situations. It is all a part of the learning.

Does that help?

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

I've read both, and they still both seem confusing to me. I understand about the curiosity part, but there are gaps in the piece where you were thinking about something but didn't write it down.

Biology is a process. Show your experience like a step-by-step process to where you are now.

Book Reports / Zhang: Essay on Hamlet, need help for editing [3]

This is tough to get through. I think that the biggest problem is that Hamlet is too big for an essay, and results in yours being unfocused and rambling.

My advice is to choose an aspect of Hamlet--his indecisiveness, for example--and write just about that one aspect. It will make the paper much more cohesive.

Undergraduate / "Light and Truth" - choice one of the essays, Yale university [3]

I like the second one. It is much clearer and more rich in detail and less in abstractions. It seems more like the way an entering college applicant thinks about things and expresses them.

Undergraduate / My mother's advice to me. Columbia University Essay. [8]

"My mother's words have been a constant reminder to me of what is possible." Maybe something like that. I don't think that wisdom is necessarily a one-shot deal. Usually it grows from something, and your mother's statement to you was like a wisdom seed that grew as you did and understood what she was saying to you.

Undergraduate / UFl Admission Essay (Important Moment In My Life) [11]


This is so cliche. (The word is yin, anyway.). If you don't want the committee rolling their eyes, better drop it.

This is much too lighthearted to be as serious as it was. It's like you're just skimming over the top of something important. It's a little confusing too. When a situation is dire, we normally don't go to a movie.

I just think you need to rework things like that, to make the vocab fit the message.

Undergraduate / "Why are you still doing community Service? You know you don't have to, right?" [4]

Switching from first person to second person. It should be all first person.

When we make plurals, we add 's' to the noun. You left out most of those.


You mentioned homeless twice in this sentence. It needs to be mentioned only once.

I have the feeling you didn't read this over before posting. Most of these kinds of errors are pretty glaring. It definitely needs to be reworked.

Undergraduate / "Another sleepless night." - I became a hamlet! [4]

This is quite exceptional. In this, I agree with Kevin.

There are grammar errors, though, which need to be cleaned up a bit. A couple of issues with prepositions, and I also noticed that there is some tense confusion. Choose a tense and stick with it. Jumping around from past to present is confusing.

Undergraduate / Career goals: Include a brief statement of your plans for the field of study [7]

It seems straightforward enough, and I get the main points you are making. But 'thus' shows up too much, and there are some quite-wordy sections that can be reduced, as Kevin mentioned. I think that if you'll read through this carefully, knowing that clear, simple and direct is the best approach, you'll find places where it is just too wordy and tends to wander off from the main topic.

Undergraduate / What I Did When I Ran Away From Home [7]

This is an exceptionally-written and powerful essay.

There are, however, too many adjectives clogging up the narrative. When there are so many, they tend to lose their impact.

There is also some vocab issues--I think there are words here which distract from rather than aid the reading. For example, 'serendipitous catharsis,' and 'contumacy.' Do you actually use these words in your normal life? They sound added for impression rather than being your direct andd usual way of relating things.

Essays / IELTS Writing "agree and disagree" [12]

If you write the topic question here, it will be much easier to help you. Right now, I don't know what you are asking, specifically. You'll have to give more information.

Undergraduate / Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret" [8]

I definitgely think you should emphasize it more. That, and how not knowing is sometimes a fact of life, but that it isn't always necessary to know everything. That's where the spirit of curiosity comes in--colleges want to know what you'll do when confronted with something you don't know anything about.

Undergraduate / "My Calling"-- concise narrative essay [5]

Very motivational. I felt like applauding you.

You can improve this by simply reading it over out loud. Your ears will catch what your eyes don't. There are some small errors, and I'm not sure what elainedlcruz is getting at, but find them and correct them. Then you'll have a fine essay.

Undergraduate / "Winning 2nd Place made me a determined person" - UF Essay [10]


The essay is outstanding, except for this. This may have been your realization, but it isn't true. Talent is more than that. A person could have worked as hard as you, even harder, and won nothing. Talent is different from work. It is the inner eye that sees the work differently.

Work without talent is ordinary.
Talent without work is nothing.

They go together, but they are not the same thing.

Undergraduate / Common App Short A. - Metaphorical significance or tangible significance? [4]

I like the second one better. There, you talk about the beating of the drum, "the throbbing of the drum," and how it defines you. I understand that feeling, and it iis a great artistic signature. That you can become immersed in the beats is special, and those around you sense it, too. That is a special quality most don't experience.

The second one, definitely.

Undergraduate / "Asian American living in a city" - common app diversity essay [3]

You mentioned some things several times, and so parts of this are redundant. You also use slang terms for things, which is ok at school, but not, probably, on a college app essay.

Thi is just too breezy, too much lacking in thought and sincerity, like you just think of yourself that way and just dashed it off in a couple of minutes.

It doesn't particularly impress me as an essay, and I don't think it will impress any college app committee members either. You haven't told me that you are worth a slot in my school.

Now, redo it, and make me think you;re the next great college student.

Undergraduate / Common App- extracurricular activity (150 words) [9]

This is much more clear and direct. It reads very well. When you write like this, it is also much less self-conscious, and seems more mature.

Graduate / Personal statement for a Master program- Need assistance [8]

Well, from not knowing how to do it to actually doing it, you have made a marvelous essay. I must say that you are quite experienced and talented; your qualifications are impeccable, and I think that you have managed to communicate that very well.

Undergraduate / Why (or why not)? Perhaps the key question is "Why in between?" [22]

Very philosophical. Very convoluted, as most of philosophy is.

I would make changes. I know it's in three sections, and that's good. But I'd check the vocab, forst. then think about the questions you pose. Are they the best ones? The ones with the most explanatory potential?

Undergraduate / Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret" [8]

This is fine as it goes. You are a good writer with a good sense of timing. However, I'm not sure it answers the prompt.

You are asked to tell about something you don't know. That's present tense. You told about something you didn't know. That's past tense. What you didn't know, you know now. So, in that sense, you haven't told about something you don't know.

Essays / My academic life is like .... [7]

Your academic life is the courses you take, what your academic interests are, and how well you are doing with that. Your attitude toward it is a part of it also. Try to begin by telling what your classes are, and which ones you like. Then it will be easier to help you.

Essays / Suggestions on how to be concise when writing essays? [5]

Conciseness comes when you eliminate adjectives by using better action verbs, as opposed to being verbs, which often require helping verbs. Try writing something--a paragraph, maybe--without a single adjective. Be creative with your verbs. See what a difference it can make.

Undergraduate / "Moved to Tokyo, Japan" - University of Michigan - Setback Essay [6]

Now that's a much more satisfying read. :-)

You can take the first paragraph out without damaging the essay. I'd stick as close to 500 as I could get.

Undergraduate / Common App- extracurricular activity (150 words) [9]

I think that since you do a variety of things, your essay should focus on that, as you have. The writing is good, but I don't think you 'inquire' your buddies, you just ask them about their days. Try to keep it simple, clear and direct.

Undergraduate / "Moved to Tokyo, Japan" - University of Michigan - Setback Essay [6]

THAT particular setback will probably never happen to you again. But there will be times in your life when you are set back anyway. I think that's what the prompt is getting at. How will you handle adversity in the future based on what you learned from the Japanese middle school adversity you faced? Will you make excuses again? Or will you remember and do the things that will help you through?

Undergraduate / Vassar College Supplement Essay - "How did you learn about Vassar...?" [9]

For what it's worth, I wouldn't use the term at all. I just wouldn't go there.

It is possible to talk about deep connections and feelings without that. I think that the term 'soul-mate' has become so laden with meaning now that it's just impossible to use without someone thinking that's what you mean.

If you must use it, however, do so only once and then don't refer to it again.

Writing Feedback / Brave New World and Today's Societal Parallels [5]

This is really exceptional writing. And i didn't find it all that unconventional.

The paragraphs are really long, though. About halfway through them, I was looking for an escape to the next one. Can you figure out a way to break this up some?

Undergraduate / 'love for mathematics' - U of M-what made u choose math major? [4]

Examples are always good. there may be a mathematician on the committee, even, who would be interested to know about some complex problem you've solved. Maybe you could talk about a controversial theory. There are lots of ways to approach this besides the generic "I like mathematics" approach.

Just because it's about math doesn't mean you can't be creative.

Undergraduate / Computer Science...Intership and volunteer work [3]

I'm not sure you need to mention the alcohol part at the end. These people don't know you, and unfortunately, that could prejudice their opinion of you. Of course if they ask, tell them the truth. But I think you can gloss over that with a more generic something that will explain the grades without telling them something that may be perceived negatively.

The rest of your essay describes a wonderful and talented student. Let the essay be that. It was a wonderful read.

Undergraduate / Vassar College Supplement Essay - "How did you learn about Vassar...?" [9]

You are a very good writer and this is a very interesting read. I was hooked throughout.

However, a college is not a soul-mate. You used that term more than once, which makes it sound like you seriously mean it rather than being figurative. It's ok to be figurative like that, but you have to be very careful. The first question I'd ask as a committee member would be, "What if you are not accepted here? Are you prepared to lose your soul-mate?"

Undergraduate / 'An inspirational basketball coach' - UC Essay quality, contribution) [2]

Be careful with your vocab here. Words like 'plethora' and 'illustrious' don't really fit. If you don't use these words normally, they won't impress anyone. It shows that you stuck them in there to sound impressive.

Your writing is good enough without them. Don't drag your essay down with cheap thesaurus tricks. It never works.

Undergraduate / 'Three minutes for decision' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay! [3]

I can see how this scenario engaged you intellectually as well as emotionally. The prompt only specifies that you write about a time when you were so engaged.

But even though you complied with the prompt, it seems incomplete somehow. Intellectual engagement is great, but it usually has a result. I think that's what is missing here. What did you decide? How did you decide? I think that addresses the vitality part--what did you do with your mind?

Undergraduate / Spelman College Essay - Is this good or bad ? [2]

Knowledge. Commitment. Pride. Excellence. I think you used each of these words at least 10 times. The problem with that is that they are all abstractions, and don't really say anything. It's like you're writing above the prompt.

We know what these things are. Everyone does. Knowledge is important to me too. But how does anyone know that, really?

This is a great chance to get visceral with it. Don't talk knowledge, talk classes and what you know. Don't talk commitment, show it. You want this essay to stand out, not be one where the people talk about that one, now what did she say?