Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Why I Shouldn't Go To College" [10]

Hi there,

I liked your essay and thanks for sharing it! I do have some thoughts for you.

At the heart of an admissions essay, AdCom members want to see a student who has a certain level of 'openness,' earnestness, and general willingness to 'hit the ground running.' The premise of this essay is almost inherently more 'closed.' You haven't been to college, but you know it all. I don't get the vivacity or humor of a 17 year old here.

Additionally, the reader knows where you are going from the start of this essay to the finish--there isn't a significant narrative or sense of mystery (he's debunking the college process but he'll have to somehow praise it in the end). It doesn't allow you to really flex your creative muscle, or share what is so fresh and exciting about a high school senior's perspective.

If you'd like to stick with this topic, I might suggest that you mix it up a bit. Take a different angle. Show the flipside, but make it more interesting--perhaps unusual college experiences or events that no one could possibly anticipate. Show potential for not just intellectual, but creative or personal growth. At this point, I understand where you are going with what college is generally thought to be, but I don't fully believe that you are convinced of its transformative power. This may sound a bit hokey, but, at the end of the day, AdComs are definitely in search of students that are intellectually/experientially open, likeable, and curious.

You tackle a challenging topic here--it breaks the fourth wall, and necessitates that you subtly show your fit/compatibility. Other applicants that choose a topic from left field may actually have a much easier time. I think with some modifications you can take this to the next level, but, I encourage you to keep developing.

Hope this helps!!!!

All the best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / My dad has always had this personal history of how he escaped from communist Bulgaria [4]

In the interest of 'keeping it crisp,' I think you might want to literally start with your father's story. As a quote, if you like!

Let the details unravel in his perspective, in his words, and create a sense of mystery that keeps your reader engaged. Currently, your essay positions you and the reader as a passive participant--and I think that if you actually put the reader at the dinner table, you'll get their attention.

Because your father's story is so unique, it will be difficult to place where he is from, but, this is part of the fun! As your essay moves forward, you can clarify context and details.

On a mechanical level, I would suggest that you try to keep the prose a little more formal throughout your essay. "Have the balls to accomplish something" is a little much for an academic institution application (though colorful, I must admit), and I would limit contractions and elevate word choice (find synonyms for 'good' and 'get.')

Nice work--you're on the right track!!!

Cheers,
Janson
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Undergraduate / Singapore food - Your roommate to be - Stanford Roomate Essay [7]

Hi Zhang Yi!

Great work on this essay! There is something that is so refreshingly effortless and authentic about your writing, e.g. "Well, I'm a pretty normal guy, no major bad habits except sleeping in really late on Sunday mornings."

Overall, I think you have laid the groundwork for a really compelling piece. However, while there is no formal word limitation, I think it should be longer--about 700 words or 1 page. You will need this amount of space to fully address the prompt, demonstrate your writing skills, and provide more insight into who you are.

I think you have a great skeletal structure here, but I just want to know more about you! For example:

-"Coming from multi-racial Singapore, I have friends from all kinds of races, religion and sexual orientations, so I'm sure we'll get along just fine. I'm not religious myself, so I don't have any taboo topics or food, and you don't have to worry about offending me!" Can you share more about what Singapore is really like? What are some stark differences between Singapore and the U.S.? Can you give insight into your circle of friends rather than vaguely referring to them?

-'I'm a rather talkative person, and I enjoy debating ideas and concepts learnt in school because it exposes me to refreshing viewpoints and I seem to remember ideas better after thrashing them out with others.' What are your real intellectual curiosities? Can you be more specific? Are you known as a talkative person at school and at home?

-"Food and lodging are usually the biggest worries that a freshman has. Well you are in luck, for I cook pretty well. Both my parents worked so I used to cook my own lunch. Over the years I have built up quite a repertoire of local delicacies and given Singapore's status as a food haven, I am sure you will enjoy my cooking!" Again, more detail here would be great. What do you cook? Why do you like to cook?

Ultimately, I think you just need to expand on these ideas and give your essay more specificity and color. Doing so will paint a more vivid portrait of you and give your application more of a human face. The questions above may seem trivial, but this essay is really just meant to show your writing ability, personality, and what you will contribute.

Keep up the good work!!!

Brooke
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Undergraduate / Duke Supplement: Why Duke? [3]

Hi there!

I actually love this essay! Paragraph 1 feels honest and authentic (esp. the 'I play golf!' parenthetical), and the concept of progress/striving/forward-thinking at Duke is really thoughtful. It shows you have thought about 'why Duke.'

My biggest problem with the essay is that Par. 2 feels rather stilted:

"The institution, as represented by the students and professors, with whom I spoke, constantly seeks progress and challenges prior thinking, thus fulfilling the ideal of a university to which I aspire to contribute. I have not experienced quite that continual striving for growth in my other college visits and research. I also observed a hidden or non-obvious aspect to the university. Despite its prestige, Duke seems to project a humility that is welcoming and refreshing, one that I could not find in other top universities. With these recent discoveries, I know now why the blue and white loudly and proudly fill Cameron every game."

This syntax here is convoluted and choppy--almost as if you are trying to write with an entirely different voice. Can you preserve your 'voice' from Paragraph 1? Keep the sentence structure more direct and simple.

In terms of content, this paragraph also needs more depth. What do you mean by 'humility?' Can you be more concrete here? What do you mean by striving for growth??? How is this evidenced in the student body, in academic fields that interest you, in research, in student organizations, etc? Building on Angie127's advice, this will also help to show why Duke is right for YOU.

My biggest problem with the content here is that it sounds rather speculative, and needs to be tethered to some concrete examples.

I think you've done awesome work here, just make paragraph 2 more specific.

Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / "my mom" - Personal Essay About A Significant Person in My Life [2]

Hi Rebecca,

I think you're off to a great start here. I would like to give you a few major things to think about with this Common App essay:

-'Show rather than tell': Can you frame this essay in one event or circumstance, to 'show' how your mother is significant in your life? You might even start with Paragraph 3 (where you mention divorce). Did your mother share any words that had specific resonance--or anything that you can impart to your reader that really crystallizes her influence on your life?

-Streamline: Because you have limited space here, you can avoid generic restatements of the prompt. Dive into the story, the core of your response--and use the very limited space to showcase your ability to write and reflect on your life experiences.

Also, Paragraphs 1 & 2 are somewhat diffuse--can you focus on a few key lessons rather than all the many lessons your mother has taught you?

-Dig deeper: I really value how you have put so much thought into this essay, and obviously truly care about your mother. However, I think you can push your analysis a little further. For exampe, did your mom retire from teaching--how was she 'always a teacher?' How is she a teacher both inside and outside the classroom? Do you think 'teacher' is synonymous with 'mother,' and how does she exemplify that?

What kind of teacher do you want to be--what kind of mentor for your students? I think if you 'dig deeper' here, you can better convey the full impact of your mother upon your life to date.

These short essays can be challenging to write, but you're off to a great start. I say--keep going!

Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Graduate / SOP for PhD program in Computer Science [4]

Hi Masoud,

I understand what you mean about your SOP. Even with programs that are not ostensibly geared toward leadership, 'teaming' and 'soft skills,' it is necessary to convey a sense of humanity and personality in your SOP. You want to show that you will be an active contributor and fill a critical niche within any program.

One idea is to open with more of a personal hook. You give a great 'kernel' of personal history a few paragraphs in--mentioning that you were pinpointed as part of a group of elite scientists. How did this ability manifest earlier in your life? What attracted you to this field, on a fundamental or high level? How has your career always been driven by research and innovation--has a PhD always been your long-term goal? The more you can get at the intellectual passion that underpins your ambitions, the more 'humanity' can be conveyed in this SOP.

In your final paragraph, do your best to integrate the bullet points into a cohesive paragraph. (Perhaps you plan to do this.) This statement should showcase your ability to communicate in a seamless, sophisticated manner, and 'bullet points' show a lack of real synthesis. How will this specific program build on your career interests? Be sure to include the names of specific faculty members, and show how their research relates to your interests in some way. What about the 'culture' at this specific school and nature of the program--how will your real-world teamwork experience be valuable?

There are a number of minor mechanical issues that emerge throughout this SOP: issues with subject verb agreement, use of articles, etc. I would recommend consulting the help of a native English speaker to systematically go through your essay to polish these errors.

Great work so far--but hopefully these suggestions will help you to craft an introduction and conclusion that do a better job at humanizing your SOP and application.

Sincerely,
Janson

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 The key to my world [9]

Hi Melanie!

Wow. I absolutely love what you have done. The 1st paragraph is brilliant (sentence 2 is a great sensory image--nice work). I have a few suggestions to potentially strengthen your material:

-I might sprinkle the opening paragraph with a few more details. Give a city (and even country) name. Your description is so evocative, the reader wonders where you actually live!

-I might consolidate paragraphs just to give your essay more narrative cohesion and structure, so that it feels less like 'free verse.' Paragraphs 2 & 3 can be joined together, then 'I suddenly become entranced' represents a nice bridge between present and future--then merge paragraphs 5 & 6, then your conclusion.

-Your essay is delightfully reflective and abstract, but I think it could stand to gain a little more specificity (especially with the 'future' section). Are you tailoring this essay to specific colleges? How might your future be adapted accordingly? What types of specific challenges or new experiences do you expect at each?

-I would adapt the conclusion of your essay. On some level, you do not really target the prompt: "...and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." It can be inferred that your surroundings inspire your imagination and your ambitions, but there is no real specificity to this.

How has growing up in a small town catalyzed your dreams and ambitions? How have the familiar characters and sights on your drive to school worked to expand your vision and sense of possibility? These are just a few thoughts on how you might push your reflection to really address the prompt. Ultimately, this gives the AdCom a way to understand your sense of perspective, and I think you have the capabilities as a writer to effectively respond to this 'side' of the prompt.

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 The key to my world [9]

Fantastic, so glad you found our feedback helpful! 5 out of 10--they must be jealous of your narrative capabilities :)

Graduate / SOP for PhD program in Computer Science [4]

Hi Masoud,

As far as the words in red:

-MSc: don't use the abbreviation--expand it to reflect your full degree

-'to get acquainted'-->could be more concise-->'to explore'

-'Finding computer networks enchanting intrigues me'--->'Developing new computer networks prompted me to enroll in...'

-'However, what makes me to choose it to follow my education in is its...'-->again, just keep it concise and get to the point--->'The 'Name Of School' Networks lab foster cutting-edge research...'

There are other mechanical issues in this piece of writing which will require more of a close inspection and analysis, but again, I recommend you consult a native English speaker for a comprehensive edit.

With your introduction, I would still challenge you to think beyond 'creating wealth for society' as your future ambition. What do you think your research can really contribute? What impact do you hope to have on your students--at the end of the day, what really ignites your passion for this field? Just a few hints.

I hope this helps you Masoud, and I wish you all the best!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Rutgers Music Essay- i'm not sure how to wrap up this ending [3]

Hi Jacquelyn,

I enjoyed reading your essay! I love how you feature music as a universal language. However, I understand what you mean about the ending. From my perspective, what your work most needs is a sense of cohesion:

"An example of diversity that has greatly impacted my life is my experience with Jewish traditions even though I am Christian. One of my best friends is Jewish, and during the holiday season we participate in each other's religious traditions. I go to her house for matzo balls, and she comes to my house to decorate my Christmas tree. This experience with a religion outside of my own has allowed me to appreciate the value of friendship."

Is your Jewish friend someone you met in the Drum Corps? This feels too disjointed, and needs to be more effectively tethered to your opening paragraph. How does the experience you create on the field really translate/transcend when you are off the field? To make this essay feel more 'whole,' I think this is where you need to go with it.

Remember to also target the prompt. "How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences." Do you want to pursue music at Rutgers? Or other activities that might help to create bridges in the Rutgers community, or expand your own horizons?

I think your intro can also include some more specific details--don't be afraid to get more imagistic. Describe the sounds, the feeling of anticipation. It must be an incredible rush to be surrounded by that much sound, and to create something so dynamic and monumental, completely in unison! In some ways, this is actually a great metaphor, and could help to really underscore the theme of diversity and give your essay even more depth.

Sincerely,
Brooke

Undergraduate / BU describe yourself - how to be creative with this prompt [7]

500 words is a deceptively large amount of space! It is enough to create a real narrative to underpin your answer to the prompt--and the best essays will do so. Here are some potential ideas for a framework, ranging from the wacky to the more traditional:

--use 'tweets' from a twitter feed (if you are on Twitter!) to reveal what others have said about you.
--take excerpts from what very different people in your life have said about you, and use them to set off each paragraph.
--focus on a specific story and show how it reveals 3 of your most significant traits.
--who knows you best? Your best friend, your precocious 9 yr-old cousin? Ask the person--and maybe in that process there is an interesting, comical or humanizing set-up for your essay.

Be sure to choose traits that are interesting. Smart, friendly, and funny are 'ok' and viable options--but if you choose them, you will have to make sure your essay is creative and super-reflective. You might have an easier time drawing from traits that are less conventional, and that highlight your personality or qualities not evident on the rest of your application!

All my best,
Janson

Graduate / 'One Step Further' - Personal Statement dealing with overcoming challenges [2]

Gwendolyn,

You're a great writer with a firm grasp on mechanics. Your personal story takes guts to share, and you do so with laudable candor and insight. In light of all this, I think I can give you a higher level critique and you can run with my suggestions. Take them with a grain of salt--I think you have done some excellent work here:

-At times, particularly in the beginning of your essay and your introduction, your writing becomes rather stilted and prosaic. Because later in your essay you demonstrate that you can really write with more 'authenticity,' I encourage you to do so here:

"Life consists of experiences, challenges, and achievements; all of which are building blocks that inherently create ones path to success."

"I developed a more diverse mentality and understanding for the need to interact in my community and assist wherever possible."

Can you try to capture these sentences in language that is more relatable and sounds less like a truism--or what an AdCom wants to hear? Is sentence 1 really at the 'heart' of your essay and the themes you later explore? I want your introduction to feel like legitimate content, not a broad overview of things to come.

Also, how can you substantiate the second sentence and make it more 'real?'

-I would like you to give more depth to the individuals who had such a great impact on your life. One way to do this might be sharing their wisdom, and developing them as real life characters in your narrative. You write:

"I recalled that my mother always pushed me to follow my dreams and use any struggle I might face to build character and strength."

What were your mother's actual words? Can you share them here?

-"Two months into my junior year I was faced with yet another obstacle that would require creative, and careful planning: I was pregnant. My daughter was born healthy, my mother was continuing to do well, and my studies were never discontinued. I pressed on, more dedicated and goal-driven than before." Love this. Great work!

-Your conclusion has great resonance. "Judge Veronica McBeth says, "The thing that is good about our system is not that it is what it hopes to be, but that it hopes to be something better. That's what makes it important...It's goal itself of fairness and justice that makes it important.""

How about shifting this up to your introduction? I think it actually has phenomenal application to your specific life story (which hinges on hope, self-improvement and aspiration), and might really set the tone for your entire essay.

I hope you find this input useful. Best of luck to you!!!

All the best,
Janson

Undergraduate / I was going to be alone for most of the summer; Significant life experience [2]

Hi David,

Nice work! First and foremost, I love how your sense of humor really feeds this piece of writing. You write:

"Everything I tried to cook was either burned tasting like ashes, or not cooked well enough tasting like fresh blood. Eventually I learned to cook decent meals. There was nobody nagging me to clean after myself, which lead to a messy house the first week which that did not have a nice odor to it. I realized why my mom cleaned so much, one can not sleep when an odor roams through the house, it will not let you sleep."

This made me laugh aloud. In fact, I think humor is one of your greatest strengths as a writer--and would like to see you develop it a little more throughout this essay. There are some mechanical issues with the excerpt above, but on a content level, it is great.

I have a few other broad notes for you:

-Give a better sense of 'the stakes' in this essay. How old were you in 2007? Why was your mother leaving so significant? Had you ever been alone before? Where do you live? Had you always gone to Mexico during previous summers?

-Work on your introduction--give more details, show how critical baseball was in your life (what level were you competing at?)

-Polish mechanics--This essay will require a more comprehensive, thorough edit. I noticed several spelling errors (to vs too, vissiting vs visiting), and some sentence construction issues as well.

-End on a funny note! You can of course explain how you matured in your mother's absence, but you can still add a dose of humor. I love the bit about the laundry keeping you awake. This could be a great closing line, perhaps how you plan to do your laundry in college! :)

Just a few ideas, hope they help.

Best of luck to you this admissions season!

Sincerely,
Janson

Undergraduate / The primary reason that I am applying to Northwestern University is its firm academic program. [5]

Hi there,

I really enjoyed reading your essay and learning more about your story. I think the biggest issue with this essay is that it does not really convey the type of personality, curiosity or 'color' that one might expect from an undergraduate applicant--but there are some easy ways to improve upon this and simply make your essay more engaging.

First and foremost, start with the story. You write:

"My primary major is Biomedical Engineering. I became interested in the field during the Summer Science Scholars Academy at UMDNJ, where one of the four classes I took was bioengineering. We embarked on a four week journey to genetically alter bacteria. Starting with ordinary E-Coli bacteria, we performed multiple extractions and insertions to finally create bacteria that could glow in the dark. I was amazed at the way that bacteria could be manipulated."

The concept of 'genetically altering bacteria' sounds cool. Hypothetically, as an AdCom member who may have no idea what this concept entails, for a moment I understand how you might be passionate about this subject. Push it further! What were the details of your research? What was most exciting to you about the field--what are some of the applications? Did you work with a diverse array of students in the program--how would Northwestern offer an extension of that success?

Don't get so bogged down by answering 'why Northwestern' that you forget to really reveal who YOU are in this essay. All admissions essays should be infused with more detail about you and the forces that drive you, and read less like literature from the school's website.

I would focus on Northwestern's biomedical engineering program, pre-med track, and diversity. The location element is a reasonable factor, but definitely not the strongest support for your 'why Northwestern' case.

Great work--keep going!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / UC: How my father's mental illness cultivated my desire to be a psychologist [13]

Hi Ashli,

Thanks for sharing what is a deeply personal and thought-provoking essay. I love so much of what you have written:

"Several months after the first time I saw my father (wandering the streets) in tattered clothes, I pulled up next to him standing at a stoplight, looking at the ground and muttering to himself. Still desperate to reach out to him, I waited until he looked up from the ground, made eye contact, and waved. He looked back at me, but his glassy eyes never flashed with recognition. He is lost in the fog of his illness; he no longer recognizes his own daughter."

I think this paragraph is brilliant. So brilliant, I think you should start with it, but modify the opening sentence so the reader does not know who the man is:

"Several months after the first time I saw a man wandering the streets in tattered clothes, I pulled up next to him. He was standing at a stoplight, looking at the ground and muttering to himself. Still desperate to reach out to him, I waited until he looked up from the ground, made eye contact, and waved. He looked back at me, but his glassy eyes never flashed with recognition. He was lost in the fog of his illness; he no longer recognized his own daughter."

I think this will help to give your essay more momentum, and take on a stronger narrative quality. I think you can also improve on the 'reader-friendliness' and organization of your essay--perhaps combine paragraphs and come up with a solid skeletal structure:

-Introduction
-Mental Illness/Early history
-Your parents' divorce
-Reconnecting (hook back to the introduction)
-Why Psych/Conclusion
-Closing line

As it stands, the essay feels slightly fragmented. However, I think with a clearer paragraph structure you can really take your essay to the next level.

Fantastic work.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / "My fear of time" - Describe a Significant Moment In Your Life [6]

Hi Hashem,

I agree with Kevin and think you have made some great headway here. However, I think your closing paragraph could use some work:

"I started writing this essay with the sentiment that my fear of time which led me in becoming an efficient, hard working student is what defined me above all else and was the most pivotal moment in my life. However now that I am nearing the end I see that this essay is proving to be an even more significant moment. Before approaching this prompt I was certain that I had a correct ideology, but now I'm thinking in an entirely different way. With every keystroke I enter I realize more and more flaws in my mentality and how I approach the world. I was asked to talk about an experience that changed how I approached the world, this is that experience. I now do not fear time, nor do I love it. Instead I have come to understand time the best that I can. Time has become my unyielding stone, smooth, cool; I hold it in my hand and readily embrace what it has in store for me."

I find the first sentence confusing and difficult to parse--simplify it. I also think the 2nd paragraph 'tries too hard.' Because you cite time as one of your biggest fears, it seems unreasonable to suggest this essay catalyzed a major epiphany.

You might show how you have already slowly begun to reevaluate time--not as a limitation, but as an opportunity. Not a barrier, but a window. You still feel the gravity of time and missed opportunities, but you use it to fuel your dreams and goals. As Kevin suggested, incorporate some additional examples to give more color to your writing.

The quote is rather heavy and unyielding in my opinion, it demands a certain level of serious philosophical contemplation. However, the full prompt does not necessarily prohibit optimism, "...tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world." There is opportunity to show a greater sense of hope and energy here!

So, I would work on developing your conclusion and maybe give more color and life to your intro. Do you acknowledge your fear of time as rather neurotic? Is it truly a fear--or is it a question? How does this fear really manifest in your life--in funny or unusual neurotic ways? Just try to find a balance between meditative/reflective and creative/authentic. I almost feel as though your essay is an intellectual challenge to the prompt or quotation, when the quotation should only be a 'jumping off point.'

Just a few thoughts.

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Using a jigsaw puzzle to describe my life [4]

Hi Alex,

I think the key to this essay is getting a better handle on the puzzle analogy. You walk into your home and see your family life as fragmented--but they are only one part of your whole story. Perhaps the noise fades away, and as you piece together the puzzle, you achieve a stronger sense of clarity. Even the most troubling 'pieces' are necessary to complete the picture, and capture all of the events and forces that have shaped you.

I think your conclusion can do a better job at bringing your essay full circle and providing a sense of cohesion:

"I can't say I've been through it all, but I've been through countless lifelong experiences. Despite the recurring hardships I enabled myself to focus on the objective: to extend my limits. I have just incorporated my life into this jigsaw puzzle. It is sincere, but incomplete with countless missing pieces. New experiences, people, and knowledge will contribute to this masterpiece. I feel relieved and only hear peace. My family is gazing in my life's work from behind."

What happens to the sounds of your family at this point--is this the 'peace' that you describe? Maybe put the jigsaw puzzle analogy aside, and try to be less abstract and more concrete. I think you 'almost get there' with this conclusion, but you can develop it in order to anchor your essay and make your writing more accessible. I'd love to hear more about how you make sense of your life experiences, and how you extend your limits--or why you extend your limits.

Just a few thoughts. I like the puzzle motif, but just be sure that it works for you and not against you--and serves as a springboard for your analysis in your conclusion.

All best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / UC: How my father's mental illness cultivated my desire to be a psychologist [13]

Happy to help! You made my work easy.

Undergraduate / "My fear of time" - Describe a Significant Moment In Your Life [6]

My main thought is that your conclusion is too high level, too broad. I want to get at more of the specific details, the idiosyncracies involved with your fear of time. Do you prefer digital clocks/watches? Are deadlines and relay races exceedingly anxiety-inducing? :) Neurotic can be interesting, unusual, even funny...so reveal more.

From my perspective, undergraduate essays should show your ability to reflect (you have a natural ability there), and also humanize you.

You might actually add some specific examples/color to your introductory paragraph. Or perhaps include examples of how you feared time in your intro--and then in the conclusion--show how you have started to embrace it and welcome those fears. Balance your thoughtful meditation with authentic, interesting humanity--be you!

I think you have done some great work, and it's ultimately your choice on the tone you'd like to set with this essay.

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / UC: How my father's mental illness cultivated my desire to be a psychologist [13]

Huge improvement!!! I love the progress.

I might take a second look at the prompt though, to give your conclusion more depth, target the prompt and think about why Psych.

Can you tether your interest in psychology to any other concrete activities? Volunteer work perhaps? Student clubs? Community outreach? The AdCom clearly wants you to really substantiate your intended major, so if you can add some heft here, that would be great. Psych is so broad you might be able to position any experience.

If not, I would just make sure you make your interest in Psych is as concrete as possible by the end of your essay. Show not just an emotional, personal commitment, but an intellectual one. Lots of intellectual issues to consider. They 'grey' quality and scale of mental disease (your father refusing help--but needing it), the separation btw person and condition (the person is not the disease), the variety of treatments and medical approaches, etc.

Hope that helps!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Admissions Essay SCAD Savannah BFA Arch [4]

Dimoaya,

Nice work. I would however caution that you reread the prompt:

"The statment of purpose shoud be no more the 500 words and should give an overview of the applicant's academic and personal experience, describing preperation for and commitment to further study at SCAD, as well as eductional and professional goals and aspirations."

This prompt is pretty explicit about asking you to show concrete background and direction: arch. classes you may have taken or related subject matter, experiences outside the classroom, your specific goals within the architectural field, etc. The want applicants that are focused and show a true commitment to the rigor of the architectural path.

I think you need to work on developing answers to these questions to ensure that you fully address the prompt. I love the personal quality of the essay, and your flair for description, but unfortunately this essay presents some additional constraints

On a minor note, be careful with spelling--their vs there (spellcheck won't catch that!) and plethora, not plethera.

Best of luck!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Admissions Essay SCAD Savannah BFA Arch [4]

Sounds good. Think about this is a potential structure:

Intro (keep your current intro--perhaps eliminate the last sentence for the sake of concision and because it is rather obvious/formulaic). Keep it crisp.

Body-academic/personal experience/goals (probably best to keep this 1 paragraph since the word limitation is just 500 words). This is the 'core' of your essay and should be the longest paragraph.

Conclusion (streamline your current 2nd and 3rd paragraph to create your conclusion--keep the idea about function marrying beauty and how Savannah will help you find the balance). Keep it crisp.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Janson

Graduate / China study - Brandeis International Business School--Maief [9]

Hi there,

I have more of an issue with the content of this sentence than the tense. You write:

"So when I noticed that Brandeis International Business School offers considerable international opportunities, I was sure that I would benefit this school by contributing my uniqueness and my personal power. "

What is it about the Brandeis classroom that appeals to you and might make use of your talents? It is somewhat obvious that an international business school offers 'international opportunities.' What do you mean by 'uniqueness and personal power'--can you be more concrete and specific? How about your cultural background, leadership abilities, and collaboration/teamwork skills? You have proven your ability to interface across different cultures, and this is what I think you should really echo in your conclusion.

Additionally, I think you can provide more background on what it means to be a 'Confucian Entrepreneur.' I wasn't sure if it was an abstract concept you had created, so I googled it to find it is in fact a preexisting term. Books have even been written about the topic. Can you make this a little less abstract in your introduction--and explain what it really means in practical terms?

I hope this helps!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / 'fun easing the tension' - Common Application Activities Elaboration [6]

Hi Justin,

I think this is a very thoughtful short essay. I love how you talk about cheering from your teammates as a major catalyst for your success in cross-country, and the evolution of your concept of 'teamwork' and a so-called 'solo' sport. What I think you can do is streamline your prose and make better use of limited space you're given here. You write:

"As a committed member of the cross country team throughout the entirety of high school, my initial perception of this sport has significantly developed. When I joined the team in the fall of freshman year, I originally believed cross country was individually-oriented as opposed to an actual team."

I don't think you have time to include the opening sentence (it's vague and redundant), and this should more organically evolve in your short essay. I might challenge you to 'show rather than tell' throughout your writing. Here's my suggestion for a potential structure:

-Short, engaging intro: 'Come on, Justin!' Open with you actually in the race, then describe how when you recognize the cheers of your teammates, you feel a burst of adrenalyn.

-Paragraph 2--your reflection on the value of team support--the pasta party, the relationships you build. Solo sport, but not a sport that occurs in isolation (like say, tennis). "A teammate's motivational words can really help during a race because, unlike other sports, there are no breaks to refresh and regain momentum. The only thing that this extreme test of perseverance consists of is determination, endurance, and cheering from my teammates."

This is just a minor tweak that I think can help give this short essay more color, and better showcase your writing ability.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from -APPROPRIATE TOPIC? [3]

Hi David,

Thanks for sharing such a personal topic with us. I think you've done some excellent work here, but what I would recommend is that you try to 'show rather than tell' in this essay and try to create more of an engaging, engrossing story.

I frequently give this feedback to applicants, but it is valuable to remember. The way you begin this essay positions you and the reader as a passive participant, and does not help create a real sense of tension, or effectively communicate your spontaneous reactions to the event itself. You write:

""I wish I could be anywhere else but here," i thought to myself. My uncle had plenty to drink and he was really scaring me. I never knew he had such an evil side to him. The road from the race track to my house seemed to take hours by the time it was over. My uncle was furious for losing his whole pay check at the race track, the more he lost, the more he drank. I was telling him to slow down, the truck was running at 60 mph and he was not in the best condition to drive. There was my biggest mistake, pretending to be his father. He lashed out screaming at me and he began to drive like a maniac."

I might go in this direction:

""I wish I could be anywhere else but here," I think to myself as my uncle and I drive home from the race track. He was furious for losing his whole pay check at the races, and the more he lost, the more he drank. Still, I had never known this dark side of my uncle. He is in no condition to drive. As the truck reaches 60 mph, I beg him to slow down. This is my biggest mistake, pretending to be his father. He lashes out, screaming at me, and begins to drive like a maniac."

Here I shift to present tense, and vary the sentence structure to subtly underscore the intensity and freneticism of the event. I actually don't modify your language much at all. Just a small tweak that helps to increase the impact of your personal story.

I love what you've done with this essay, and think you're definitely headed in the right direction. Nice job!

Sincerely,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Hi Christie, Can you give a quick summary of your concept for this essay and what you are hoping to achieve? I love some of the language and imagery here, but I would like to have a better understanding of your overall concept.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Law School Admissions-Why I want to go to law school [10]

Hi Ashlyn,

I must say, I've never read anything quite like your opening sentence in an admissions essay or personal statement. You know, I think that's a good thing--I like it! :)

However, upon further investigation, I think the opening of your second paragraph is just as attention-grabbing. My main caveat for law school statements is that they can really take any form, and they should. Think of them as an advanced, elevated incarnation of the college essay. They don't require a ton of expert positioning and strategy (like an MBA program), so you don't necessarily need to convey your specific goals in the legal field. You just need to flex your analytical muscle and showcase your writing abilities. All that being said, I would do the following to streamline this essay and give it more polish:

-Cut the opening paragraph completely. It provides a vague, superfluous overview for the structure of your essay, and you don't need it.

-Create a stronger thread between 'swine' and Italy between P2 and P3 (which will become P1 and P2). How did your interesting in raising pigs defy your insular community's expectations? How might your life have contrasted the lives of others your age, in your town??? From there, you can make a more logical leap on why you chose to reconnect with your heritage (or just connect with another heritage?) and again, break boundaries and convention.

-Your transfer path confuses me. University of Washington. American University of Rome. Then you finished a degree in NYC? Make sure this path is clear in your essay.

-I love your major and how it relates to your path! Your story is one that hinges on breaking boundaries, challenging the status quo, and thinking about issues from a high level. Actually, all these themes can really be traced throughout all your choices, in the most subtle, refreshing and authentic way. Fabulous work.

-Is this just a general law school personal statement? Does the prompt literally ask 'why you want to go to law school?' To my knowledge, it probably does not. To that end, I want you to streamline the final paragraphs and omit the 'why law school' part entirely:

"Having been able to pursue my interests, thus determining my loyalty to victims of captivity and efforts for egalitarianism, has spurred my desire to use my experiences to help the powerless and downtrodden to discover and nurse their own flames. My undergraduate education was the spark that ignited this internal passion and law school is the fuel I need to feed this flame and let it accentuate and persist. As I took the initiative and joined 4-H in order to raise a pig to satisfy my infatuation and later left the comforts and familiarities of the States to immerse myself in a culture I fantasized over, I aspire to attend law school and take a step closer to fulfilling a life goal craving to be satisfied."

Unlike the rest of your essay, this feels forced, contrived. I think what you should do is evaluate your own path. As I mention above, distill the themes of pushing your limitations, fighting convention and satiating your intellectual curiosity. In many ways, your fight for gender equality is not far removed from your earliest choices--and what I want to see is a broad reflection on your life and the forces that drive you, not a stilted case for 'why law school.' In the end, I think this angle will make a more compelling case, and absolutely preserve what is so great about your writing.

That's my perspective--hope it helps!!

All the best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / Major, personal talent - UC Transfer Application-Both Prompts [2]

Hi there,

Nice work on both essays, I love your angles and the groundwork that you've laid. However, I have some broad thoughts for both of your essays, to help target the prompt and keep your reader engaged:

Essay 1:

-Your intro confuses me. From your first few sentences, I'm not sure whether you are going to discuss your interest in event planning, sociology or cognitive science:

"We go through life having to make decisions. Our life becomes a web of the different directions we choose or the paths we are led down, determined by our thoughts, ideas, and pure circumstance. What is greatly important to me is how we communicate those thoughts and ideas, and how we react to each circumstance we are presented with. Having a natural curiosity for how we humans process information, analyze it, and take action on it, comparatively with my own thought process, leads me to want to explore the different mediums that we use and analyze the relationships that exist among the arts, technology, and our everyday lives."

I would streamline this, maybe event cut it entirely to get to the heart of your essay ('As a senior in high school...'). This is a short answer, so focus is key.

-Where are you now applying to school? Are you transferring to complete your undergraduate degree? What will you get from X school that you cannot get from Parsons? What is your intended major? I want this whole rationale to be very clear and well-positioned.

Essay 2:

-Make Paragraph 2 your new Paragraph 1. It will make your essay more interesting from the onset, and highlight how resourceful you are. I might recommend that you also describe the frenetic pace of the fashion show, give us a window into what it is really like backstage. Paint the picture. You know how to write, so show it.

-I love the raw content in your closing paragraphs.

"I came to New York, to study at a school that with its curriculum not only prepares you for the fashion industry, but for the chaos and intensity that life most commonly throws at you when you work in a creative field. I meant business when I moved across the country to attend school. I was there, ready and doing whatever I could to develop a future for myself.

Three years from that first day at NY Fashion Week, my determination that landed me an experience working backstage, was also what would bring me to a feeling of ultimate satisfaction and personal success. For the fifth season in a row, I was working backstage at a fashion show for the same designer I began with. Only this time, I wasn't just one of the nameless interns that followed orders as told by the show organizers, I was the show organizer."

The last line is brilliant. What I think you can do is work on the flow of your prose. The first sentence of your closing paragraph is extremely choppy and convoluted. So, keep your prose more direct. Simplify. Your content/analysis is excellent, but at times, its literally the rhythm and syntax of your language that hinders the success of this essay.

Great work overall, but I think with these tweaks you can take both essays to a new level!!!

All my best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / Why Smith (virtue and knowledge). [4]

Hi there,

Nice essays!

I agree with Susan. I think Example 2 is stronger--Example 1 wastes your precious 100 words with what sounds like a quote from Smith's website. Furthermore, role models, intellectual discourse and academic challenges might be found at any institution. So then, why Smith?

The key in this essay is pinpointing the forces that drove you to specifically apply to Smith. I think your best bet here is to stick with Smith's commitment to social responsibility (why is this important to you? Is it linked to your goals as an engineer?), and how you'll be able to find a balance between engineering and liberal arts at Smith.

'Why are you applying' is a pretty broad question, but I think the subtext is 'why Smith.' So, just keep this essay specific--and make sure you make a good case for why this school is the right fit for you. In 100 words or less. It's a challenge, I know!!!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Gee-Transcending All Languages (UMich Diversity) [4]

Hi David, What's the word limit for this essay?

Undergraduate / The primary reason that I am applying to Northwestern University is its firm academic program. [5]

Vishal,

Looks great and I approve of the changes to these sections. I would reposition the first sentence near the end of this essay though--so you can show a gradual, logical build-up to your intended major and future path. The direction and arc of a compelling story is logical, right? Don't give away the destination/final conclusion upfront.

I hope you didn't eliminate all the content from the first essay! I really like the bit about Kellogg and your interest in global health--shows that you have very concrete, focused career goals and you know where you are headed. Med school and biz school might seem over-ambitious, so I would explore the curriculum/program options for someone with an interest in global health to make this path sound more feasible and well-researched.

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: Baking Bread [4]

Tong,

I adore this essay. It made me smile and laugh. It has personality, color, depth and authenticity--all the things that I really look for in a stellar college admissions essay. If I could give you a few major suggestions, I'd recommend the following:

-Maximize the inherent comic value of this story:

"While we were waiting for it to cool down, I snuck a quick bite and was surprised. It was tasteless and hard -- nothing like the bread at the local bakery. When they were just warm, my fellow leaders tasted it and told me that it tasted good, not to hurt my feelings, but it didn't matter to me. I was determined to get it right somehow."

This is hilarious! So, use it. What did it taste like? Be creative. What was the expression on your friends' faces when they tasted it--a strange mixture of gratitude, pity and disgust? This is a funny situation, and I think you can bring out the humor while at the same time conveying your dedication to bread-baking.

-Trim the fat--think about writing more concisely. I love your story, but at times, your language gets away from you. What's the word limit on this essay? The actual bread-baking process seems a little wordy, which in turn makes your reader lose interest.

-Conclusion: I think you can find a better moral to your story, or even end your essay on a comical note. You might even address the concept of you being a male that is interested in baking. It's true that there is an unfortunate gender stereotype here, but, it is absolutely refreshing to see you defy that, and without a bit of self-consciousness, share such a quirky, interesting and authentic story.

Great work!!!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Common App Essay I'm writing about how raising sheep has effected me [4]

Hi there!

I really enjoyed reading your essay, and found it to be refreshingly authentic, funny and charming. However, I do have some major thoughts/suggestions for you to help take your content to the next level:

Storybuilding--Start with your story rather than a stilted rearticulation of the prompt ("The most significant risk I've ever taken was back in second grade when I decided to raise fluffy, friendly Corriedale sheep.") Your story is fascinating, so, lead with it. Open with what its like to chase around one of these huge, marvelous creatures (as a 2nd grader). Your point of view is so unique, so do your best to immerse your reader in it.

Concision--I think this essay should be streamlined considerably. At approx 1200 words, you can shorten it to 900 and really help improve the flow and impact of your language. I actually don't think you even need the bit about cross-country--it seems rather contrived and superfluous, and does not naturally, seamlessly fit into your narrative.

Structure--This goes hand in hand with concision. I think you can really do more to fine-tune the structure of your essay. I like to start with a skeleton even for admissions essays, just so you know where your story is going, and what the arc of your essay really is:

-Introduction--captivates your reader and explains what you do
-Background on who you were (self professed 'nerd/loner')
-4H Leadership (this can be streamlined too--it sounds a little like your resume in narrative form)
-Sheep Show/Loss and disappointment
-New Conclusion--say something new about what you have learned or the lasting impact of 'sheep' on your life. Keep it as funny and fresh as the rest of your content.

My main overarching thought is that this essay just needs more focus. The cross-country bit can go, as well as this transition: "The net result of my work ethic, self-confidence, and ability to deal with disappointment is that I have the confidence to take risks, work hard to come out ahead, and be able to learn from my mistakes when it doesn't work out."

College admissions essays should just tell great stories, and showcase your writing ability. You have a great 'voice,' so just keep your story more focused and controlled and I think this essay will dramatically improve.

You're off to a great start--keep going!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / "Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder" - UCF Bump In The Road Essay [3]

Hi Priscilla!

I think your topic is appropriate, at least in theory--of course, you just have to make sure that it is properly contextualized and grounded. You will need to really educate your reader on what PMDD really is, and understand that generally speaking, there is a resistance/stigma to new, lesser understood health conditions. That being said, if you can effectively paint a realistic, stark portrait of what it's like to live with PMDD, I think you'll be in great shape.

Remember--balance educating your reader with sharing your personal experience! I think it's an excellent topic that could prove truly illuminating, educational and sophisticated.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science (Artificial Intelligence) [7]

Hi Stacy,

I'd have to know about the output (what do most graduates do???) and curriculum of this program to appropriately advise you. Even if you don't plan to go into academia or research, you still may have to conduct ample research there--the prompt suggests that is the case. Moreover, some programs are more research-geared than others. Have you spoken to current students to investigate beyond the website? I usually find this is helpful. You can understand what the 'real expectations' of a program are on the inside.

My first instinct is that this SOP seems less grounded and strategic than most--you don't show program fit at all. If you intend to go into application development or the business realm, you also don't concretely paint that picture. And, you should at least do that. Overall, the language seems, as you pointed out, to romanticize CS too much--and I want to balance it with your concrete goals and interests.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science (Artificial Intelligence) [7]

Sounds good Stacy!

What do non-thesis Master's students do post-graduation? I think it would help you immensely to speak to some of these students (or maybe do some forum research).

My instinct is still to show what your long-term goals are, so that you really indicate how this program will help get you there. SOP's are very formulaic and strategic in this regard!

Undergraduate / Common App short answer "Heroes and Cool Kids" [8]

Hi there!

I agree with JBrown09 and think that you can stand to incorporate a little more personal detail and color into this answer. Ultimately, you want it to be more than your resume in narrative form--you want this answer to convey something more. Your personality, your perspective, your insight, etc. These answers have to be 250 words (minimum), so you have some room to play with and expand! I really like this content:

"Some of these topics are hard to talk with an adult but they were always excited to see me. I knew that they felt the same way when I met that NBA player."

This is an interesting thought, and I'd like to hear more from you on it. How did it feel mentoring 'kids,' most of whom were not significantly younger than you? How did you know they felt the same way--did you see sense it in their energy? It is funny, but the sense of distance between a 6th grader and a high school student is akin to the distance between a high school student and an NBA player. I think you have something here, but, I'd like to see you dig a little bit deeper and talk about how this experience made you think.

Solid work so far!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

I love what you've done! I also agree with some of the sentiment above, particularly the caution about how to start your essay ('According to Dictionary.com...')

Here's a thought--why not start your essay with an element of surprise? You might describe a person that sounds like 'a boy. ' Their physical attributes, their interests, their clothing, etc.

("Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests: " etc)

This device will help you both paint a vivid portrait of yourself, and also create a more interesting, unexpected narrative or twist. At the end of paragraph 1, you can confess the person is you, and then paragraph 2 can be your reflection on being yourself and the problem with the term 'tomboy.'

Just a thought to spice things up--best of luck!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / USC Essay - Grandmother's Tears [4]

Hi Jiafu,

Thanks for sharing such a personal, intimate topic. You've done some great work overall. I have one major suggestion for you.

Many candidates will choose a topic of similar gravity for this prompt, so, you must really make it your own. With your opening paragraph, you risk having your essay compared against other similar essays. Moreover, the sadness of the story overwhelms the reader--and I believe you want to convey more than this one emotion. Your story is unique, complex and textured. So, how might you make your it sound different?

What interests me most is the concept of role reversal inherent to your specific situation. So, I would adapt your introduction perhaps to convey parallel stories that highlight this reversal, one where your grandmother is in the hospital and you are the caregiver, and the other when you are young and she is the caregiver (one storyline might be italicized). This simple device could achieve a lovely synchronicity and give your essay more dimension and complexity. I've mapped it out as follows:

Grandmother's streams of sadness would not stop flowing. DESCRIBE HOW YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN HURT AS A CHILD. Lying on the hospital bed, grandmother cried tears of agony and drops of fear. DESCRIBE THE EVENT. Sheering pain pulsated from her fractured hips; her body tensed with every twitch and every movement. There was nothing I could do but sit beside grandmother's bedside, hold her hand, and look after her as she battled her crucial moments. WHAT DID YOUR GRANDMOTHER DO FOR YOU IN THOSE MOMENTS? NEW SENTENCE/TRANSITION--SPEAK TO THE CONCEPT OF ROLE REVERSAL AND HOW YOU WERE PROUD TO GIVE YOUR GRANDMOTHER WHAT SHE HAD GIVEN YOU.

Just a thought--I love much of what you do with the rest of the essay, but I think a different angle for the intro could work wonders.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

Antisocial maniac--lol. Though that does have its own comic flair ;)

Whatever introductory paragraph 'device' you choose, my point is, in a short essay, you have to effectively utilize the space. We (the reader) know what a tomboy is, but we still don't have a vivid, comprehensive picture of who you are. Overall, I'd just like to see more nuance and more color in this short essay, so we have a more complete picture of your identity--and by then end--really appreciate how you came to embrace it.

Ultimately, I believe that the strongest essays and stories are the most humanizing, colorful and authentic. Yours is almost there, but I would push it further.

Best of luck!!!!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing