Graduate / Speech Language Pathology Graduate School Personal Statement [3]

Hey Kelsey,
I found your essay solidly convincing. Only one small suggestion, which is to reword this sentence to be less self-laudatory. Wording suggestion in CAPS:

Through out my time as an undergraduate student in the Communication Sciences and Disorders program, I have gained STRIVED TO DEVELOP qualities that make me an excellent WOULD STRENGTHEN MY QUALIFICATIONS AS A candidate for the graduate program at ____________.

Research Papers / Solvent to anti-solvent precipitation method; Description of chem-engineering research [2]

Quanny,
VERY LITTLE TO CUT OUT!!
I ONLY FOUND 2 POSSIBILITIES WHICH MAKE THE GRAMMAR WEAKER BUT NOT INCORRECT. SUGGESTED REWORDING IN CAPS!!

To further improve its dissolution properties, polymers-- Poly vinyl pyrrolidone,and Polyethylene glycol, and surfactants--sodium dodecyl sulfate, and Pluronic F38 were coprecipitated. Solubility test, dissolution test, High Performance Liquid Chromatography, and scanning electron microscopy were conducted to characterize the particles produced and the original AND PRODUCED particles.

Undergraduate / The last 4 months have been an important journey for me; Readmission Essay [2]

Some mistakes to correct (and comments in CAPS):
1) the fact that I had done so poorly

2) always looked for hands out from others. IS HANDOUT THE WORD YOU WANT TO USE?? IT MEANS FREEBIES...OR CHARITY

3) The lack of these skills, as well as maturity was WERE there reasons

ABOVE ALL, YOU SHOULD INCLUDE (IF POSITIVE) YOUR EVALUATION OF THE COURSES YOU TOOK WHILE SUSPENDED (asked in second prompt and to be added to this section:) THIS WOULD HELP GIVE CONFIDENCE FOR THE RE-ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE TO DO WHAT YOU ASKED IN YOUR LAST LINE.

I immediately enrolled in courses at ********** and also began working at my local Staples. Being away for a semester and working while simultaneously taking courses at community college helped me learn the discipline and time management skills I so desperately needed.

Undergraduate / Having tough Parents ; UCF [3]

Hi Ketura,
Is this a general question asking why you are applying to UCF? The second paragraph gives your background 9from Haiti) and how your parents hard work motivated you to strive (and presumably, apply to college.) The first sentence in the beginning paragraph sets a negative tone, You might consider switching the paragraphs, so you can explain why your parents were tough on you, and how you worked hard and grew strong enough to apply to college. Some mention of what subjects you like and why UCF would be most welcome!

Good continuation!

Graduate / I believe that I can add value to your institution ; SOP for PhD in neuroscience [3]

ˇ Identification of molecular players responsible for specific neurological functions, WHAT FUNCTIONS?
ˇ Understanding the role of genetic variation in affecting susceptibility to neurological disorders, WHAT DISORDERS?
ˇ Understanding the genes and molecular pathways of neural circuitry, especially glial-neuronal interactions.

At UC Riverside, I am interested in the ongoing projects at Drs Dahanukar, Ray, Korzus, Fiacco and Stanley's labs. WHAT ARE THE PROJECTS?

THIS PARAGRAPH SEEMS OUT OF PLACE AND UNNECESSARY - IF YOU GIVE GOOD EXAMPLES OF YOUR INTERESTS AND WORK, YOU DONT' NEED TO SAY THIS HERE...

I wanted to work in research since high school and have strived during college to make myself fit for it. I have shown a good academic performance and have taken elective courses to strengthen my basics and broaden my knowledge. To identify my research interests, I did internships in several fields, each experience leaving some positive impact-

I WOULD SHORTEN YOUR EXAMPLES - IT READS LIKE A LAUNDRY LIST AND YOU DONT NEED TO REPEAT WHAT IS LISTED IN YOUR CV. SELECT THE STRONGEST AND ELABORATE - THREE MAXIMUM!

Undergraduate / Common App. Personal Essay: 'Brookline Academy of Dance' - meaningful challenge [2]

Good description of your teaching dance! Are you applying to a dance college or what other subject? You can then link what you learnt from teaching dance to what is awaiting you next!

Good luck glady!!

Undergraduate / Moving Troubles (commonapp personal essay) [3]

Sorry that this may be too late, but I hope my feedback gives you some assurance that your essay was fine! How many times did you move?(you should say so in the first paragraph - and then tie it in to the next move - into college!)

Undergraduate / People Who Have Left a Mark in My Life. My teachers. [3]

For readability and interest, You might want to make the three people who influenced you from different professions - one teacher, one friend and one... famous inspiring person. That would give a more complete picture of what influenced you than just listing 3 teachers!

Undergraduate / 'Obstacles and new beginnings' meaningful event in my life for University of Florida [2]

My childhood years felt short once I had accumulated a handful of friends.

This sentence is out of context!! It did not connect with the next paragraphy. And the New Beginnings title did not play out in what you wrote i.e. what was the new beginning? The example you gave - project "Animation and Simulation" was not clear - what was it? You only wrote about group dynamics and micromanaging - what exactly was the outcome? Was it good/bad/average?? Demonstrate and convince the reader of it!!

You never described a real obstacle, so your closing paragraph's first sentence came out of nowhere. Or was the obstacle learning a foreign language (in your third para.) The connections need to be more coherent, as well as of course the proverbial thesis statement and closing conclusion.

Undergraduate / 'Building of human society' - Common App, topic of your own choice [2]

I didn't get at all what your Project Potato was - prototype for what? You mention fied potato at the end, a potato cannon - was that what you were building? I would describe it upfront so the reader knows what you intended to build. As for word count, be sure you use the words for something important you want to communicate i.e. a solid good impression of your qualification for admissions!!

Undergraduate / Why UChicago essay. is it good? is it bad? should I not bother applying? [2]

Clean up your typos and grammaticos and you have a solid essay! I assume you are applying for financial aid - that is a laborious process so I wish you the best of luck!!

BTW - you might want to consider a campus interview so you establish a personal relationship with an admissions officer who can help guide you through the maze, as well as give some personal recos for you (as a person!)

Undergraduate / 'Building confindence' - How to become a good roommate [2]

Is the prompt how to be a good roommate?
If so, OK - you list reliability and caring. Are you delivering that - and besides a cup of coffee or a delicious dish (which you don't say you will provide) what else will you do and what do you expect? I am just trying to make you express yourself more personally as well as action-specifically. BTW - building confidence is not covered except for reliability - do you mean to be predictable? What if you are predictable in ways your roommate does not appreciate or need?

Undergraduate / "Time to Hit the Shower" - general question to common assay application [2]

Well, this essay shows that you are a well-rounded goal-oriented person - who strives and achieves what you set out to do. I guess you can write more about why engineering etc. but that can be covered in another essay I hope as well as why you want to go to the particular uni etc.

Good luck, psarno!!

Undergraduate / Comparison of the sculpture love and the kiss. [2]

The first comparison of the kiss sculpture is more substantial than the second of letters only. You need to come up with a bit more on that than you have (are you sure that it was created for a Xmas card?) I think we have one in the middle of UPenn too.

Some typos corrected in CAPS:
- The physical side of this show SHOWS
- For a long time after The Kiss was sculpted it was consider CONSIDERED to TOO
- it was kept in a BEHIND closed door in a museum.
- The Kiss is very saddle SUBTLE
- The meaning of love is stronger then THAN any art could ever show.
- The way is it chose (do you mean IT IS CHOSEN) to be represented can be so strong.
Your closing sentence does not close with impact. If you cant' reach a better conclusion, consider removing this and ending with the previous sentence.

Undergraduate / 'journey on the wrong foot' - Common App topic 1 - major achievement [2]

I did not get a clear sense of what exactly was your significant experience? You write on the leadup and then the judges attention on your emotion something that cannot be learnt but can be well interpreted when a piece is well studied. [b]

What did you actually do that made this your best performance? Did you win? What did you play?

Failure allows for development and growth, because each failure identifies an area for improvement, reminding us of where we would not like to be and therefore motivating us to work harder towards achieving our specific goals. [b]This is the lesson that I have learnt firsthand from my experience. It is not necessarily about the end result but more emphasis should be placed on the "journey" because if I can replicate the process, then the positive results should follow. I DON'T GET WHAT WAS THE LESSON? HOW DID YOU FAIL? YOU WRITE NOTHING ON THAT. ALSO, WHAT WAS THE JOURNEY BESIDES HARD WORK AND DEDICATION? WHAT PROCESS WILL YOU REPLICATE?

Undergraduate / Feline Fatality - Stanford Roommate Essay [3]

This was a random idea I came up with for my roommate essay. I had very mixed reviews- many people loved it, but my counselor and parents both advised against submitting it because it would be too risky/stupid. I'm probably not submitting it, but I just wanted to see what people think. I'd appreciate any honest opinions, criticism, whatever- thanks!

There are many ways to 'skin a cat' - in this case you are asked for an essay to your roommate.
The key point of this essay is in the last paragraph IMHO i.e. " I can find laughter from the most uncommon of sources, including the tragic death of a baby kitten, as sad as that sounds. Life is dull and boring when things are taken too seriously. Laughter is my elixir of life and I love finding the humor in everything."

Can't you find an easier, more compelling and inspiring way to communicate this than the preceding 5/6 of your essay?

Undergraduate / Parsons Admission Essay - Why do I lust for design [2]

Your essay is not sloppy! The opening is intriguing, the middle is challenging and the last paragraph, quite poetic.

Some Q's and suggestions in CAPS:
Before I graduated, I asked my fashion class if I was the best dressed, the answer wasn't no - (NEED FOR PUNCTUATION HERE!) it was just that I was to wired to be the best dressed. This wasn't the first time in my life that I realized that I was different. It was in the first grade when I realized that I couldn't read and every one else could, it was the second grade when every one got better except for me. It wasn't until 5th grade that I could of even looked at the same books as my fellow classmates, but unfortunately I didn't have any classmates that year. The kids called it being stupid, the professionals called it being dyslexic but I called it being myself.

We all need away out, a way to touch the people who surround are soles (DO YOU MEAN OUR SOULS??). My father develops ways to preserve what goes in our bodies. My mother develops ways to preserver our sanity. (YOUR DAD IS A DOCTOR AND YOUR MOTHER A SHRINK??) I develop ways to set us free.

It is who and how it WHAT is changed that truly affects us.

I want nothing more then (THAN) to fly away

I see what fights beneath are (OUR) skin.

Undergraduate / 'The Hard Times will begin to fade' - Essay of Your Choice [2]

hI RATHANA!
Your english writing is good! Very little to correct! Just a Q and suggestions (in CAPS)
3 graders (GRADES)
I didn't understand most of the materials that I studied and were assigned to me
bunch of puck (WHAT IS PUCK PLEASE??)

Hardship is inevitable, SOMETHING that everyone has to face at one point in their life, and mine MINE OR MY HARDSHIP was a valuable experience and memorable. I will treasure it for life. But, look LOOKING ahead, I want to capitalize on those successES and set up my HIGHER goals bigger and higher so that I can TO accomplish my dream of becoming the first person in my family to pursue a college education and a professional career in the engineering field.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for College application (UK); I am going to finish my IGCSE's [2]

Hi Jerome, your answers are pretty acceptable, nothing controversial or out of the ordinary.
Some suggestions on these 2 Q's (IN CAPS)
- What are your hobbies and interests outside of study?
YOU ALREADY MENTIONED GYM IN PREVIOUS ANSWER. USE THIS ANSWER TO PORTRAY HOW OUTGOING YOU ARE, GYM DOES NOT COUNT AS A HOBBY, MORE OF A HEALTH ROUTINE LIKE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH. HOW ABOUT MUSIC, BOOKS, DIVING, BIRDWATCHING?

In my leisure time I enjoy going to the Gym, since my physical health and fitness are very important to me. As well as socializing with friends and family and meeting new people, are things I very much enjoy in my free time.

- Tell us about your achievements e.g. sports, voluntary work, employment progression etc
During holidays and in my leisure time I help out in my family's business, which works in the Egyptian tourism industry. WHAT WAS YOUR WORK, WHAT DID YOU DO , WHAT DID YOU ACHIEVE SPECIFICALLY? PROVIDE A VIVID EXAMPLE OF YOUR ACHIEVEMENT (vs. general adjectives which are not as convincing...)This helped me to develop and obtain skills in hospitality, communication, team work and managerial skills; by dealing with customers and clients as well as supervising and working together with colleagues and business partners. THIS ALL SOUNDS LIKE YOU COPIED IT FROM A BROCHURE.

Undergraduate / 'SKYY DIVINGG' - NYU What intrigues me; What is it like to fly? [3]

Was the prompt "what intrigues you"?
If so, you need to start the essay with some intro as to why cliff-diving is intriguing to you. This can cover how you want to test your bravery, or you enjoy adrenaline sports etc. - give some idea of your going in motivation. Then you can recount your trepidation etc. But at the close, spend some words about what you learnt out of the experience...aside from overcoming your mental fear.

Undergraduate / UChicago Essay - 'Following my ACT test in the spring of 2012' [2]

As the first part of your essay was about James Nondorf and his speech, it would help that you give it some meat: What was so astounding about the speech (you only mention your laughing.)

Thank God I did, the entire speech was astounding.

Then fast forward, you went on a campus tour and were duly impressed by the students, especially the one at Target. Aside from getting a job, you might want to mention what studies you are attracted to, your academic goals. The final paragraph talks about "memorable experience" - listing only social ones.

Undergraduate / my experience of an extracurricular activity - Teaching Christine [2]

Love jazz theory and learned something new from you. Now I want to hear it in gospel performance!

I had only one minor reaction which was to this sentence as it does color your essay a different way, one that you may not have intended: Having her over at the small confinements of the church choir room, sitting next to her on an adequate-sized piano bench was nothing more than I could ask for.

i.e. it appears that you kinda developed a crush on Christine?? If you did intend this then, it may help to make it clear in the ending... i.e. teaching Christine helped you have an even more special connection etc.

Writing Feedback / [AWS] Pros and cons of permissive parenting style [2]

Hello symptom,
Your essay is clear, but needs more examples to back up why you do not agree with permissive parenting. What dire consequence can this have specifically?

In deed, they tend to partake in anti social activities, and behave in AN outrageous manner which is often perceived as inconsiderate, spoilt or self-centred (SELF-CENTERED). - what do you mean here by "outrageous manner"?

Also many typos throughout (corrected one here in CAPS!)

Undergraduate / UVa supplement essay - Where would you want to get lost? [2]

IS THE PROMPT " where would you want to get lost?)
If so, you start by saying you don't like getting lost, you panic. Then you bring up the "shrink" analogy and for the rest of the essay, embellish how classical music is your therapy. It might be worthwhile to make some bridging statement as to why therapy helps you "find the way" when you get lost... (lost in stress, in other less pleasurable aspects of life).

Also, this sentence is a bit long-winded...
I figured out after a an hour of just watching orchestras play different variations of the Romeo and Juliet Suite that classical music was my therapy

consider:
I figured out that classical music was my therapy after an hour of just watching orchestras playlistening to (??) different variations of the Romeo and Juliet Suite

Undergraduate / english essay for college apps personal statement; my passion for photography [3]

Cool essay - you have a good idea of yourself based on what you are writing. I like your parallel of photography and psychology as a good photographer definitely has strong observation skills and reflects his/her view of human behavior and psychology. So which are you applying to study?? You might want to wrap up the essay with some closing statement about that.

Oh - and may I suggest these corrections (in CAPS)
parents' contradictive (CONTRADICTORY or CONTRADICTING or CONFLICTING) personalities

observe human distinctive behavior.

We paint pictures with out (OUR) personalities

Undergraduate / 'Suitable friends with familiar interests' - Why Duke Essay supplement [2]

Would there be any room to include at least one or two sentences on why you would be good for Duke? (as the rest of the essay covers why Duke is good for you!) Any reason to admit you versus the many other candidates who have the same praises for Duke?

Scholarship / 'from Dominican Republic / Positive way' - SCHOLARSHIP SHORT [2]

Hello Jenny,
Please help me understand how the caretaker who mentally and physically abused you is mentioned int he first essay is the same or another caretaker you write as having the most positive impact on you in the second essay. IF they are different, you might want to make that clear. Perhaps, you mean the new caretaker who is part of your stepmother's family??

Undergraduate / 'I believe I can become the best graphic designer in the world' - SAIC Essay [2]

Hey yeanacho!
Wow, clicking since your were 12!! How cool is that! You definitely convinced me that you know what you want (to be the greatest graphic designer, to go to SAIC), are self-confident and determined to succeed. OK - so enough about you. Now put yourself in the shoes of the Adcom, why should they believe you just because you do. Can you give some examples (besides your own self-assessment?) What graphic art did you feel was the most representative of your greatness? How did this have external impact on others? Did you get any outside recognition? Has your work been published or sold?

One minor observation: You ended 3/4 paragraphs with the overall same phrase School of the Art Institute of Chicag. Try some sentence variation - repetition does not help to convince!! (excerpts quoted:)

- I had tons of research about SAIC, and I know The School of The Art Institute Of Chicago is for me.
- I have this passion about being part of The School of The Art Institute Of Chicago, and I am sure I am ready to challenge. I am applying to SAIC because I know SAIC is for me.

Undergraduate / swimming with a Russian swim coach- common app diversity essay [2]

Hello allms,
The example works overall for the prompt. What would improve it IMHO are the following:
- what exactly (besides NOT smiling or complimenting you) did the coach do that helped improve your performance? Technique? example? actually giving you a scolding? what??

-besides swimming, what are your other interests, academic or personal. Give us more about YOU!!

Undergraduate / 'I see confidence in you' - common app essay [4]

My reaction, poignant essay. I never heard of the word quantized...is it from quantum physics??
Very sublime and like dew, your essy. Inspiring of Tinkerbell and fireflies!!

Grammar, Usage / What is the difference between a hypothesis & aim? [5]

Please write down what is most compelling out of the research you have done? then we can build on that!! What are the articles you have read? Without your indication, the topic is too general to be honest...

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Reduction and Improvements [2]

A little more detail about how you coped upon reentry into the US would be great!!! Change is adversity and how did you cope again ?? The second time around, what did u do differently or how did you reapply your knowledge from the previous round adjusting into India??

Undergraduate / 'The same, yet different' - Common App Essay topic of choice [3]

Just one comment on last line - I will always be learning from now I am living??
Also, what made you loosen up all of a sudden when you joined the Ldies Knight tram- what changed? No pressure? Age / maturity?. A special experience that broke the ice??

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate App - EXPLODING EGG [2]

I think your essay reads fine. I liked the first version already. If there's anything I would add, its your preferences in habits and room-mate familyhood. Also interests besides sports and subsistence/survival. Any watch-out pet peeves, any absolute taboos that you wil not accept? Any obsessions or dislikes? You need to fess up here... Also, you strengths, your joys (like do you like to whistle or sing, go out for late-nite pizza, see old movies, listen to jazz?) BE a human live person here in this essay, you are asked and encouraged to!!

Undergraduate / I need help with a paper on persuasive advertisment [2]

Not enough in second paragraph about product claims - proof or performance, substantiation. Just the ingredient of green coffee extract is not sufficiently convincing or factual based. No final paragraph pitch of hot not to miss offer, and price point, plus compelling easy order process. Then call to action is missing - any other incentive??

Essays / I need help understanding Illustration essays. [11]

My guess is that you have to choose a word (process or common noun) and analyze it 4 ways. That seems to be the simplest approach to the prompt - do you have a word limit???

Undergraduate / Lennon' song told me to "imagine" peace and the prospect of "one" world, all I could feel was regret [3]

How cool is that??? your country I mean!!
Typo in last sentence in first paragraph - the FIRST three were boring and tasteless (state what they were?)

Epiphany of self-awareness, of gratitude, or appreciation - we need more of that these days!

Undergraduate / Molecular Building Blocks - Princeton Common App Essay [3]

Aside from the damage caused and the expense you couldn't afford to incur again, what else did you learn from the experience? That because of your passion for chemistry, you could piece it all together again? You spent too many words listing the damage instead of the outcome, what about chemisty? I don't get any idea of why you love the subject so much. And why Princeton???

Undergraduate / Parallels in Cultural Diversity and Diversity of thought (Common App Essay #5) [2]

Yes, your essay stays "on prompt" - but you need to state what this is in your opening paragraph i.e.the importance of diversity and what you would bring to the college...

That you are both diverse as well as have experienced the importance of it first hand... with compassion. You talk found the point of compassion - that has to go hand in hand with tolerance and understanding. Understanding and compassion for the other side, and vice versa. Differing vested interests creates barriers and mine vs. yours mentality. The optic of we are in this together, no yours vs. mine but ours is essential to what we are facing in the next century with increasingly scarce resources and overpopulation, global warming creating further limitations on the earth's bounty and habitabilty.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay 1. Significant Risk and its impact. "Business adventure" [2]

Yes, it answers the prompt and yes, the second and third paraagraph is way to wordy. Get to the point, versus give details. What else besides a bad first supplier who defaulted on your deposit was your failure (I don't see any other.) Hence the gravitas of your example is a bit on the light side. Aside from losing money, how else did you face adversity?How did you come up with the needed money and how did you repay whomever funded you?