Undergraduate /
"fear for challenge" - Brown University Transfer Essay [13]
The first half of the essay does not seem connected to the second half. First, it was about your father's change and acceptance of your going to school in the US, then all of a sudden, in the last paragraph (single sentences don't count) it was about a different subject leaving me totally confused.
However, as I became ready to delve deeply into what I believed would be my lifelong academic aspirations, the limits became apparent, and I chose to willingly ignore the fact that there are not many resources specifically suit my academic needs.
You need to focus more on this part - the prompt asks why are you transferring. These very general statemtns (what are your lifelong aspirations, what limits became apparent, what was the fact of insufficient resources?)
When my beloved advisor told me that he was retiring at the end of my sophomore year, I thought "No big deal; there must be someone else who's doing African development." Sadly, there's no one else.
Is the retirement of your beloved adviser the reason you are transferring? You write as if the school is discontinuing the African development department?
When I realized that beyond the glorious surface of the divestment claims were some nasty realities, I did not feel terribly sorry for the endangered space for open dialogue which I cherished.
I am totally LOST!! Where is this coming from? Is it the same essay?
What divestment claims? what nasty realities, what endangered space for open dialogue.
The same goes for the rest of the sentences - they don't fit in, you haven't prepared the reader at all for the context (are you switching back to your father's job in China or are you referring to the college situation compelling you to transfer ?
