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Posts by Wanderer_x
Joined: Dec 19, 2009		 Last Post: Mar 5, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 88  


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Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / IM A BIG GIRL -Boston university essay [9]

Lovely!

I would recommend you cut down few "big" and "creative". After a while, the tone gets monotonous if you freuently repeat some words.

like creative art, creative writing, creative thought, creative clothing, creative music, creative things.

that was a bit overdose of creativity.

I remember when my middle school English teacher told me that I was as creative as Leonardo DaVinci, and everyone in my class agreed.

Well, with no offense, to me it sounds little pretentious.

, so my friends have often termed me as "the friendly person"

"the friendliest person" or "friendship freak" would sound more obvious.

Rest is amazing.

Check out mine if you have time :)
Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

I m acutally heartbroken. Your essay shares some stark resemblance with mine as well. :`(

I liked your essay though. The pharse "naturally engineered brillance" did attract my attention. Good!
Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "S.T.O.P." - Brown University - Best piece of advice you've ever been given? [8]

"It is useful to those that are short-tempered and arrogant."
Arrogant is a very strong adjective. Its risky boss! Either delete it or come up with something less strong.

But one has to know how to use this advice in order to achieve its highest potential.

his highest potential

quandaries or predicaments

avoid such heavy words. Adcom may think that you took a lot of help from thesaurus.

And I din't quite get the full form of STOP itself!
Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Being in a book club - only 150 words =) [5]

As the members and I share our conceptions, different perspectives of the novel are assimilated

In place of "members and I", we should suffice. Or better "As we bring forth our ideas and interpretations of the novel, different perspectives are assimilated."

I still find the last part somewhat akwardly worded.

Rest is good.

Will you help me with my Bard supp? I m afraid its a bit longer.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Sandalwood Keychains [3]

You have a good commnand in your writing. However, I think your essay does not address the prompt clearly.

"How will a Notre Dame education enable you to answer..", you have not answered this part at all.

Your essay sounds sincere, but somewhat amateurish.
Hope I am clear.

Will you take a look at my supp?
Wanderer_x   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / What would you research about and why...my supplement.. [5]

This is my supplement to Bard prompt. Here, I am trying to be really objective. Also I wish to know if I convey my genuine interest on cancer research properly or not. Your help will be really appreciated. Also I will return the favor if possible.

If you were given a grant to research a scientific or medical issue that you deem important to the world, what would it be, why did you choose it, and what kind of research do you think has the greatest chance of being productive?

In past three years, I have seen three deaths due to cancer in my family. My grandpa, my aunt and my first cousin, all died from different froms of cancer. As I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from ovarian carcinoma, her daughter died from adenocarcinoma. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of uterine cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying its full strength.

Cancer does not just kill, it kills brutally. Having spent days and nights in cancer hospital, I have seen hundreds of patients hopelessly struggle just to survive few more days. So, as a biology student, I am determined to work in the field of cancer research. If given a grant, I would choose oncogenomics, cancer genomics in simple words, to carry out my research.

This field is relatively new and less researched. Since cancer originates genetically through DNA mutation caused by various mutagens, further reseach on oncogenomics may provide new insights on cancer diagnosis and therapies. It has not been more than twenty years since oncogenomics came into existence. After the completion of Human Genome Project, researches on oncogenomics came into prominence. Its success so far has been laudable. Trastuzumab(monoclonal antibody developed through oncogenomics) has made a significant impact in the treatment of HER2-positive metastatic breast cancer. Development of Imatinib (a drug commonly known as magic bullet) has opened new doors to the treatment of chronic leukemia. Researches in oncogenomics has added a whole new dimension to the diagnosis and treatment of cancer. If given an opportunity in future, I will definitely base my research on oncogenomics after sufficient study regarding this field.

As a researcher, I would not just possess knowledge and skill but would also have immense faith in my project. My research would aim upon the study and development of cancer-related drugs that can be easily accessible to the general population. The alarming increase in deaths caused by cancer every year further investments in cancer research. Though a research may not always yield desired results, I believe that no research ever goes wasted. As Thomas Edison once said "Every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward to success."
Wanderer_x   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Leadership, knowledge, creativity - Brandeis University Supplement [13]

thnx!!
This is mine:

Biology intrigued me since my early days. My interest intensified into my passion when cancer struck my family like a bolt of lightening. My grandpa, my aunt and her daughter( my first cousin) all died from different froms of cancer within last three years. When I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from intestinal cancer, her daughter died from stomach cancer. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of ovarian cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying his full strength.

As a biology student, I apply to Brandeis University beacuse of the excellent reseach opportunites out there which will help me better appreciate the beauty I see in the study of biology. Through the help of excellent faculty and independent reseach projects like BIOL 93 and BIOL 99 at Brandeis, I wish to learn in depth about Molecular and Cell biology. I aim to possess the core understanding of the basic form of life: cell. And through its understanding, I wish to work in the field of cancer research. I believe that Brandeis will challenge me intellectually in ways other colleges can not. Besides, I will not have to worry about my life at a place where people like me gather from different corners of the world with mind full of curiosity and heart full of passion.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How can you answer the what you can contribute to upenn supplement [16]

openness and the need to emphasize chemistry that

emphasize on

But even if I could see shade of promise in the future, my eyes [...] Was this was college does to you?

Even without this paragraph, your essay will be all the same. You state your views about your culture and religion clearly in the last paragraph.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How can you answer the what you can contribute to upenn supplement [16]

Two things:
Its long, really long.:(
Its makes sense despite its length :)

What was separating me from that very same fate at age 23?

Though I got it, its not quite clear.

So many prospective biology students (which I am looking at becoming, either through Bioengineering or Pre-Medicine) only look through material with a biological lens [...]
It had taken so long, but my answer had come so amazingly quick: the research opportunities at Penn.

Your essay could well do without these lines that dont involve you at all. Why go on talking about what others do in your essay?

But finally, at the University of Pennsylvania, the future is definitively emphasized from freshmen year, not for the first time at a job interview three years later as is so often the case

Isn't your degree a four-years one?

Though your essay tells a lot about your genuine interest in UPenn, its colossal length kills!! Since its not a story, they might find it boring. Trim it down at least by a third to make it crisp and impactful.

For instance, you could well capture the essense of the last para in 4-5 lines.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "never met my grandfather" - Stanford Short Response- intellectual vitality [13]

good work overall!!

Its a well balanced essay. I m glad to notice how you provide your essay a soul of its own without being excessively emotional.

fact that handwriting is subjective

Well, what do you mean by subjective out here? I doubt if subjective is the proper word.

Will you take a look at my commonapp essay?
Wanderer_x   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

Well...I was about to comment on your why UChicago essay but the thread got deleted by the moderators :( So, i ll comment here itself.

overall, it was fine.

I know the importance of learning for the sake of learning

Its quite cliched, isn't it?

The numerous choices of academics and activities offered by the University of Chicago excite me. Apart from its extensive list of majors, the university hosts over three hundred student organizations and clubs

I think your final paragraph can do well without these two lines. What's the use of telling things they already know?

What more could I want at a university aimed at providing ample opportunities for its students to learn? I know now that the University of Chicago will provide me with a nurturing and stimulating environment so that I may excel

Do something with these lines. Its not quite impactful.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Colby Supplemental Essay - "The ultimate measure of man" [4]

I did not read your propmt at first. So, I read your essay like I d read a random story. And I really liked it!

But after I read your prompt, I am not sure if your essay is what they are looking for as a response to their "serious" sounding prompt.

Is your "waking up issue" really a "challenge and controversy" they expect to read about?
I ve read three Colby accepted students' essays on this topic: 1 was about AIDS, another about third gender issue, and the last one was about fighting the stereotype.

I still love your essay the way it is.
It will for sure serve as an interesting commonapp essay though!
Wanderer_x   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Princeton Quote Essay---Engaging a troublesome child [3]

FAB!
Very well written, short but adequate. a 100% winning essay! One of the best essays I ve read in EF.

I can get a very clear pictue of you through this essay.

I'd love if you'd take a look into my commonapp essay.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "cooked pig intestines" - Common App Essay [5]

Your story telling part is pretty amazing. HOwever, the essay still needs some improvements.

But I knew that I would never be able to "acquire" that awful taste, because I promised myself that I would never eat chitlins again.

Doesn't it contradict with what you say later in the essay? Maybe just say "I doubt if I will ever "aquire" that awful taste."

and boy was it gross!

isn't IT TOO MUCH OF A SLANG???? Though I find its use quite cool, but seriously doubt if it is wise enough to risk an otherwise slang-free statement.

The story describes an instance where I was willing to try something new and take a chance.

While the rest of your essay is interesting, this one line is dull!

Link between your story and the rest of the essay should be more apparent. Maybe add lines like "For me, chitin still smells repulsive and tastes horrible. Yet, I don't mind eating them because I learn to better connect with my tradition through chitins.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Basketball is not only for killing time - it's part of my life, it's in my blood [6]

Some moments in life, I can memorize by heart-that is, some things I can remember with such brilliant clarity that it repeats and replicates ceaselessly, and naturally. Such moments are precious not because they occur only rarely once in an eternity, but because they can be always be revived time and again with surprising precision and authenticity:

How about delelting this entire portion? Actually I think they just bore the reader. Your vivid description of the scene is good enough for us to know how passionate you are about basketball.

Help me with my short supplement if you have time:
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / How horses transformed a science-phobe (revamped!) Cornell CALS Supplement [6]

I liked it.

Then, one day, it dawned on me. As I sat on my bed, sketching out Punnett squares in an attempt to determine the color of a newly-conceived foal, I realized I loved science. Rote memorization from a textbook hadn't installed that passion - using practical knowledge to help animals had. I may never go to vet school, but I hope to work with off-the-track Thoroughbreds, rehabilitating and retraining them as riding horses

"I loved science" part sounds contrieved and dramatic. ALso "I may never go to a vet school" make it look like you actually want to go to a vet school, not Cornell.

Rest, thumpz up!

WOuld you take a loook at my Grinnell supplement?
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

Playing together required musical ability, respect, and flexibility; I remember that during practice of every recital.

Playing together requires not just ability, but also respect and flexibility;....

Howz that? Since abilility is a basic thing, I think you should emphasize more on the remaining two.

I need to start writing all my supplements from tomorrow :( I will look forward to your comments on my essays I post in future. Also feel free to ask for any help :)

Good Luck with your application!
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Supplement for Trinity--''free the mind from parochialism and prejudice" [2]

Your essay is nice.

"moment I witnessed the glistening tears in the eyes of children from both city and country, I knew I had freed their minds. "

I doubt if they really cried!! Even if they did, its hard to believe that all of them cried just because they listened to a touching story. USe something believable like "As I told them the story of Hiu, I sensed a feeling of discomfort among them. My story made an imapct upon their minds. I indeed freed their minds to an extent."

rest, its good.
God bless!
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

I remember that during every practice of every recital.
remove the first every.
"When I considered the joy and enthusiasm on the faces of those who weren't fortunate enough to hear music on a daily basis, I wanted to give back to the world in a different way."

considered is not an appropriate word to use out here. Maybe "noticed". Dont know exactly.
May be rephrase the whole sentence. "I wanted to give back.." seems out of place.
Each tune I played brought in their faces the joy and ethusiasm for life. And every time I realized this, I felt like playing my violin forever, for my music was making a difference in their lives.

Sounds solid. Tells us about your passion for violin, team ability and compassion for others. Good!

Well I have another supplement for Williams that I used last year. I like it myself. So, I am kinda confused about which one I should send. Would you check that one out and compare the two?

I ll post that in my Williams Supp thread.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

Guys, thanks for all the comment.
I have another response to this prompt that I used last year. I am confused to what I should do. Whether use the new one or use this one below. Please comment and suggest.

There was no window as such. Still, I would love to imagine a big frame in front
of my eyes through which I would have captured the scene that would remain etched
in my memory forever. A house stood there with its height as high as the sky. No
need to peek through the window for I could see everything from the outside itself. Each brick of that house seemed to have a unique shape and appeared as if each was coloured wih a purpose, one as black as coal while another as deep as blood. Near the door sat a boy wearing a multi-colored coat piling up one brick after another to build a castle of his own. To complement the entire picture, a beautiful creature sat just above the door basking in the sun, with its eyes twinkling and body shining. No, not a dove, it was a crow. The whole scene looked so still yet it had a pace of its own. Now I would not like to spoil the beauty of that scene by telling the truth; yet I must confess that it was the site of a bomb blast.

Few months back, I had gone to Dang, a remote district of Nepal which was one of the major combat zones during the decade long Maoist insurgency in which thousands of people were killed and millions injured and displaced. Everyone gets horrified by the terror of a bomb blast and in the place I was talking about, at least a dozen were killed in the explosion and all the houses had entirely collapsed. Only one house was erect, that too without its ceiling and a large part of its front wall intact.

That house was special for it was the only one that could resist all the forces, be it the power of an explosion or the force of nature. In a place where no dove loves to hover around, a crow picked that house to sit and contemplate about its future. The poor child chose the fallen bricks of the same ruined house to build his tiny castle. In the midst of despair, that house stood like a glimmer of hope to the crow, the boy and to me. Indeed, this is what I call the real beauty, one that has the power to inspire hope in our soul and spirit. In that site of terror, I found hope for the days ahead.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

I just love the way you write. The flow esp.

As I grew older, I looked to expand my boundaries. To satisfy my desire for a new frontier, I journeyed far inland along a stream that runs parallel to an alternate trail. Wise as it would have been to carry a GPS system, I continued to walk along the road carrying nothing but curiosity.

This line is lovely.

Its good. But I'd suggest you change your UChicago essay into your commonapp essay for other colleges. It will definitely make you stand out.

Just add a bit more of your perspectives in that essay. For instance, you can end up with few lines like "With the help of my disorder, a gift in disguise, I develop thoughts and perspectives that are uniquely my own.

I always add a bit of my color to things which otherwise look black and white. And that makes me different."
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

I dont think you need to worry about your Northwestern supplement. You should easily get into U Chicago with your wonderful essay!

...anyone else want to help me fix my common app essay?

Where is your commonapp essay?
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

What color is your essay?
To me, it's definitely GOLDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U Chicago people will miss a really interesting personality if they dont accept you!

PS: Does your username got to do something with your condition Synesthesia? Plain curious.

Also I'd love if you'd review my Williams supplement as well.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "Aitizaz Ahsan inspired me" - significant person, Common application essay [3]

Well, its long!! By the time I finished reading it, I completely forgot what you had written in the first few paragraphs.
Your language is fine. HOwever, your content is not strong enough for a personal statement. Most of the times, it sounds more like a personal news report for a magazine. You need to add more personal touch to your essay rather than just describe the man and his political issue. Since the event was well-known throughout the world, you can cut off the basic parts.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts required essay- describe the environment in which you were raised. [4]

I understand your genuine intentions. But every student from a third world country capitalizes on his/her country's misery. Who would not like to see their country and countrymen progress?

"let your life speak"
Describe a significant event that made you determined to help others. I dont think one would be so moved by a begger in the street. Even if you were, many applicants would have already written the same thing.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mathematician With Love of Arts" -- Common Application Main Essay [5]

Creativity and imagination are what I give ballet

akwardly phrased.

Piano is similar to ballet because it can inspire new creativity and imagination as well.

\
omit "new"...how can creativity be new or old?

I interpret "Pathétique Ppy.iano Sonata" by Beethoven as full of strongly pathetic and dark emotion.

I find the use of "pathetic" somewhat inappropriate.

I feel that after you talk so much about arts, you ought to give Maths a little more space in your essay. Transition from arts to Maths is a bit abrupt.

First paragraph is exceptional! You need to work on the rest. Overall it's impressive indeed!

Would you take a look into mine? (hover on my username)
Wanderer_x   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "being a trilingual Egyptian and Palestinian" - Michigan diversity essay [6]

something the French system does not teach.

It sounds exaggerated (regardless of your intention). Change it to" something the French system emphasizes less upon."

As per me, your response is not appropriate enough.
Neither do you mention how you gained "respect" for the difference you talk about, nor do you answer the second part: "how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan"
Wanderer_x   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / World beyond my village; "Memorable experience in high school" [4]

Its long.
Also your essay is not cohesive enough. It will work better if you single out an idea and talk about it only. For instance, you may revolve your essay just around Free-Tibet Movement. How your stay in a heterogenous society has helped you embrace others' cultures and understand their concerns.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / my career in the medical field - Common Application Essay [8]

Well, you ought to mention that thing. Else how are we supposed to know which "the tooth" you are talking about?
Maybe mention something like "I played with my broken tooth so often that it was later replaced by a crooked tooth, like that of a vampire( to add a little humor) ."

I had noticed many people I met staring at my tooth, so I found it necessary to tell them the story behind it, and this ended up being the way I met many new friends.

Long and clumsy. My suggestion: "People often stared at my tooth. So, I could not stop myself from telling them the story behind it; and this ended up being the way I made many new friends."

During the first days of school, I was very reserved; until someone asked me about my tooth. As I told the story more often, it became more vivid in my mind and I got better at telling the tale

During the initial days of my new(I suppose) school, I remained reserved, until someone asked me....As I ....mind and I got better at narrating the little tale of my own.

Having moved to so many different schools I have become accustomed to meeting new people and introducing myself. My tooth has liberated my initial timidity

so many different!!!...make it just " having switched to many schools".Comma after schools...liberated me from my intial timidity.

Many comma splices throughout.
In school comma my communication...

and now I am not afraid to stand behind my beliefs as a result of past experiences

rephrase it.

Being exposed to many different people and having lived in many different areas has allowed me to become very adaptable and very at ease with people.

again many different!....that too twice in the same line!!..avoid it. very adaptive and very at ease...You quite frequently abuse "many" and very".

I have enjoyed joining the Heart and Stroke Foundation and also functioned as the publicity person, coordinating all the details for special events. For this club, I helped raise money through various sports tournaments including basketball, volleyball, and badminton. I ensured that there was ample participation and that rules were followed during the tournaments. We raised approximately $2,500 dollars for cancer research from a Hoops-for-Heart basketball tournament. This was one of the most successful events I helped orchestrate.

This does not flow with the rest of your essay. Stress on how your communication skills helped you in the club.

I enjoyed your essay :)

HElp me with mine
Wanderer_x   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / my career in the medical field - Common Application Essay [8]

I wish I had a tooth like yours to write about :)

But then, I still dont get one thing. At two, you had your baby tooth broken. And how come your tooth becomes crooked since you baby tooth is supposed to be replaced?

Ignoring that point( though it shouldn't be ignored at all!), your essay is really interesting.
Wanderer_x   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "to light the way for my students" - Take a look at my "Why Northwestern?" [17]

Personally, I like your approach. Adcom at Northwestern must get bored of reading volumes of pretentious praises; your essay might provide them little air to breathe.

On the other side, try to make your dialouges more casual and quirky. Though your response is definitely above the ordinay ones, it still does not stand out. If you work on it, it will be good for sure.

If you'd like to help me further:

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