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Posts by RabiaG
Joined: Dec 19, 2009
Last Post: Mar 8, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 26  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 27
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RabiaG   
Mar 8, 2010
Writing Feedback / Sharuk Khan! He is my favorite hero. [6]

You are repeating "he" WAYYYY to muchh!

Don't make this paragraph, a list it becomes redundant and not engaging to the reader.

Explain Sharukh Khan and the way he acts, make it very interesting in which the reader can imagine what you might be saying especially for those who have no idea of "bollywood".

In addition, what engages you about sharukh when he acts or when he does all those things.

You mentioned his fame and riches? Is that why you like him?

be clear.

Hope, that helps.

GOOD LUCK!
RabiaG   
Jan 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Students learn better when they are not threatend [4]

"I agree that not to be threatened with failure is really important about the students . while some people believe that education system needs something called failure , I am going to explain some reasons in order to support my opinion."

(Honestly, you do not need to narrate what you're going to say. Simply state your opinions but don't tell us that you are going to state it, we will already know that you are.)

You have various ideas, and they are not clearly expanded. I would suggest to expand on one idea, that might be a experience that relates with you.

You quickly mention a personal idea "In conclusion, personally ,I have experienced both kinds of courses with failure and free ones . " You can expand on this, make this your central idea in your passage. And it does state in your question to prsent specfic examples, and with this example you can state your reasons.

Do not Tell but Show-but don't over do it. In addition, show some attachment with your essay. It does not engage the readers, yet it sounds like a narration.

Well Hope I helped-Good luck!
RabiaG   
Jan 22, 2010
Poetry / She glistens as the water glistens; Water Poem [3]

I love it! The only line that seemed like out of the rhythm, was Secretly envies and hates...
The "hates" part is incredibly a strong word, try another word.

Hope I helped. Good luck!
RabiaG   
Jan 19, 2010
Essays / values (Pluralism) and organization in a work place [10]

Mhmmmm. Interesting topic.
You may want to start out by explaining the problems that a work place may have with diversity and multi-cultures, and then briefly state on how you wish to solve it.

I hope I'm right about what pluralism is.

Certain methods or plans that one can instill in the work area might be
1) Making sure the work place has diverse bosses, they should be from different places, and the workers as well. Therefore, people can become aware and acknowledged of others and their cultures.

2) Do not be isolated from others.

3) Be open minded, if you want others to know about your culture or belief, try to ask and question and be interested with others beliefs. A great conversation might begin.

Hope I helped.
Good Luck!
RabiaG   
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / The Difficult of Art (you tried something for which you had no talent) [3]

Do not start your essay with "One day". It's a cliche, and it sounds informal.
"I thought that I was going to really well good at it but I was wrong." Be clear!

I like the ideas within your story. You reveal step by step of your situation.
However, you're going to FASTTT!

The first paragraph already has a beginning and end to your problem.
Expand, on the diffilculties you had, and faced.

What was your motivation? Why did you continue?
You might want to focus on one story that you have with art.
You want to show not tell. But at the same time, not to over do it.

In addition, you want to present your growth as an individual, it might be mentally, physically emotionally throughout this process.

Hope I helped.
Good luck!
RabiaG   
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Want to be around so many people; Reason for transfer/ objectives [2]

" the same reason" What same reason? Be clear, because it sounds a bit incomplete and confusing.

"I decided very late", I don't think you should say this directly. I would perceive this as a negative attribute.

"the school was the complete opposite of what I expected. Many of the students are from the same town and there is no diversity. There is also a lack of unity."

(This may be a taddddd biiitttt blunt. Do not criticize another university, try to keep that respect but at the same time, tell the others what they didn't have, and what you wished for.)

The school was the complete opposite of what I expected, (It's a a good start.)

I am not set on either of those majors, ( I suggest you not mention this, you can mention your interests in specific majors but you do not have to reveal your doubts in what you wish to fulfill)

"The college that I attend should be a place that I am comfortable, happy and excited to learn. I do not wish to cruise through college unhappy and not learning all that I can. I want to go to a school that has a great reputation for my area of study and that will push me to learn and be all that I can."

EXPAND EXPAND EXPAND! Okay, what do you mean by happy, what attributes in an University makes you happy? What atmosphere or environment is comfortable for you? Remember, you have to show what you are interested in without putting yourself down, and you also want to present to the college you wish to transfer to, your eagerness in attending it.

What might make you happy, is def. not the same for the person next to you.

& I also think you should expand on your objectives, and your passion for it. You quickly explained that you wish to attend a school that has a good reputation. So you only want to go to a school that is well-known? Make yourself clear.

Well, hope I helped.

GOOD LUCK!
RabiaG   
Jan 12, 2010
Essays / need help in making these 3 sentences sound more professional [5]

Your parallelism, does not match.

Suggestion:
"Indeed, there(Make sure this is the correct there, b/c for some reason I'm unsure) are immense qualities that delineate an individual's professionalism. The key values may include the fulfillment of work under great pressure, accountability, communication skills, ethical behavior, leadership, working well with others (Now the parallelism is not proper in my sentence, so if you can make the values into two sentences, if you like.) and amiability. These qualifications are required to attain a optimal professional setting.

I hope this helps.

GOOD LUCK!
RabiaG   
Jan 11, 2010
Letters / Question About Order in a Résumé [6]

Oh, when you write a Resume. You type the activities or academics or whatever it is.
And then for example Spring 2009-Fall 2009

Competition(be a little more specific) FOR EXAMPLE:
Science competition Spring 2009-Fall 2009

When you're doing this, you will have much more.
Thus the dates must be in order, so the most recent on the top, the oldest activities after that.

Hope I make sense.
Good luck.
RabiaG   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Sadness and bereavement ; "Poverty" / Issue of Importance. [3]

Wow. The topic of choice is fantastic, caught my attention. The first sentence can be shorten, so it can be powerful.

Sadness and bereavement disabled peoples' hearts, that dawn. (Just an idea)

You don't have to state that they were elements...

"180 salvadorans who had a common characteristic:" This sounds a bit awkward, change the wording, but not the meaning. The meaning is immensely deep!

You may want to say "180 savadorans were all captured by one thing: Poverty" (again just an idea)

You may change it your liking, of course.

but my country is weaker because is poor. (Not is poor, but it's poor) You may want to change the word, because it is kind of repetitive. You can say impoverished.

These issues couldn't be solved right now with some action as giving financial assistance
These issues could not(avoid abbreviations like that)

Theessay overall is engaging, however, the essay topic is how does this impact you. I understand the people are uneducated, and poor.
But how does this directly EFFECT YOU?
You may want to add some of a sentimental attachment to it.

Good luck!
RabiaG   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer about theatre [5]

Wow! SO muchhh bettterrrr! =)

The only thing now that caught my attention was
"Actors must become their character, and thus being cognizant of how actors present themselves and empathizing with the character are a must."

I think it's a pretty long sentence, which makes it wordy, you can make it two, if you like.
And agreeing with the comment above mine, the words are limited, in this sentence, you can take out unnecessary words.

Good luck!
RabiaG   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer about theatre [5]

I think the strongest area in your paragraph is the middle.

Try to begin your first paragraph with an engaging idea.

When you say "For both the winter and spring season of 11th grade"
Try to avoid saying something something OF! I used to do that in my writing, and it sounds complicated.
In addition, it gives an impression of a "passive voice" rather than an activeo ne.

Also you say for both the winter and spring "SEASONS"...

I don't think you should say "pleasantly surprised" Because I don't think the surprise was pleasant, it wasn't anything immensely negative, however it's a little confusing on why it would be a pleasant surprise.

I like the line "I had to throw away my..." line. It shows an attribute you had to gain in this activity.

Another question, did you always have to mold yourself to a fictional situation?
Theater may be dramatic, may be realistic.
You can even mention, and mold it to ______, and name diverse characters.
This way, it shows diversity, and the multiple obstacles an actor or actress has to undergo.

"Through imitating someone that wasn't real, I grasped a better hold on myself and how I came across to other people." I am a little confused on what you're trying to say here.

Well I hope I completely torn your paragraph apart.
GOOD LUCK!
RabiaG   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "My Real Life Hero" - Common Application Essay Help-- Significant Influence [6]

When we think about the heroes that helped improve our lives, we often think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Thomas Jefferson. These famous figures emulate the saying, "Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it." Students of my generation hear great things of these revolutionary leaders. We truly owe them thanks for the world we live in today.

(I think these sentences can be perceived as offensive. Because it seems like your challenging the fact that they did not improve our lives. I know that wasn't your intention, but make sure you mention these ideas, and especially relating to politics , in a softer way)

(You might even want to erase that line, sorry, I seem like I'm killing your paragraph. But it somewhat goes off topic)

But other than that, the overall content is well-written!

GOOD LUCK
RabiaG   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "a passion for accounting" - UCONN - Transfer Essay [4]

No, it's not bad!
The idea is great, how you wish to exceed, you sound very ambitious.

Okay, some of your sentences are informal. I think you should add some vocabulary words here and there.

Few months away,
(You mean "few months ago")

Though, I would like to make it clear that I am not here to simply follow my father's footsteps. I am here to prove a point and make a name for myself.

This sentence is informal. Don't directly state that you're trying to prove or state something. I thin you can even delete the part of how you do not want to follow your father's steps. That is unnecessary info.)

Do not directly state that you are trying to prove a point, you want to persuade people about your attributes without actually saying it.

Your essay, mentions attributes of yourself, but you do not relate how the university can fulfill that, the question is asking why you wish to attend this school. Try to connect characteristics from the school that can achieve your goals.

What is it from UCONN, that can fulfill your dreams?

The only thing you mention from the school is this
"CONN can offer me the advanced real world training that I would need to succeed as an accountant."
That's not enough.

In addition, do not always repeat that you did well, your ambitious, etc etc
Because you want to persuade them not show off.

It's a well-written first draft. You have very few grammatical errors, so that's good.

Well, GOOD LUCK!
RabiaG   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Spend a day, Poem, 2050 Movie, The program - nyu supplement [11]

I absolutely love your poem and the metaphor, and how you compare yourself with a truffle.
But after reading it, your attributes are not revealed. You might want to reveal a characteristic of yours to the crunchiness of the truffle.

For example...Maybe it's your diligence that resembles the crunchiness.

But I love the overall idea.
RabiaG   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App essay (the influence of my two little siblings) [3]

I love your idea of new siblings, and the happiness from them.

But you have so many ideas from that one theme.

Focus on one idea.
Some suggestions, you may ant to focus on how your mindset towards life has changed after your siblings.

You may want to focus on another idea, of how you started to appreciate a mother's job of being am other, because maybe you had to take of them, or you experienced them growing up, so you understand what a mother might go through.

You jump from one idea to another.
Like your mom having children after a long time, what you used to say when you were small, etc.etc.

In your late paragraph, you list many attributes that you've gained. I think ofcus on one attribute that you can really write about, and that you have an attachment with, and literally fly with it.

GOOD LUCK!
RabiaG   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "You're not going to college!" - CNR application essay [8]

Thank you so much! Your criticism def. helps me.
And I agree my figurtive language does became excessive, which might lead into confusion.
but I would like to comment what you had said regarding this

"However, it was the same words that held my fingers together to answer all the math problems in my Pre-Calculus textbook at 2 a.m. Regardless, the black sky did not stop me from sleeping."

I am trying to say that these words, which had nearly given me no hope, actually helped me gain optimism. I'm doing my homework, late at night. usually when it's 2 am, and the dark sky is out at night, one would be sleeping, but instead im motivated, and im determined to do well in school, and to complete my homework.

This specific line, also is supposed to indicate that I reminiscing this situation, as im doing my homework.

In addition, with the "soup" line.

Im trying to emphasize on the elusive words.
And the words being elusive, I thought that would be answered throughout my answer.

But it's elusive because I am shocked because me going to college is important to me, so not going is difficult to comprehend.
That, and because I wouldn't expect my mother to say that.
RabiaG   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / ESSAY- Cornell Schoolof Architecture [5]

remove the in the first sentence

thought provoking exhibits that drew me to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum. <---
Reword that sentence.

Certainly not after just 3 days of taking Arch 150. <---It sounds incomplete, you can either do two things
1) remove it because you mentioned later that three days...
2) OR you can add it with the previous sentence.

It was a hodge podge of confusion for me, but also a delightful challenge.
Doesn't "hodge podge" mean confusion?
I like this sentence, but I think you should reword it.

My most fav. sentences in this piece were
1)I wanted to be part of the landscape too.
2) To create architecture, I needed to not only think visually and spatially but also to think critically and analytically. As an architect, I can be both a dreamer and a pragmatist, creative and analytical, whimsical and rational. <---I like the list of words, they are all different, yet great attributes to being an architect.

3) Perplexed, my Siddhartha moment came when I realized that Freed was evoking the same ideas as the black and white photographs behind the glass. We were the prisoners in the concentration camp.

Overall this piece engaged me.
The last sentence, literally tied the ideas and theme.

Just a few changes here and there, would make it stronger.
RabiaG   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / I was born in Yale-New Haven Hospital, and my father got his PhD from Yale. [6]

Wow, 500 characters! It shows that the school is very selective, and precise with choosing the kids, because they want a great piece in that small amount of words.

Well,let me start I like the ideas of why you would like to attend Yale.

But I believe the wording is simple.
I also believe that you should focus on one topic, and expand one that. Being born in that specific areas is out of place with the rest of the ideas in your paragraph.

So I think you should disregard that, and expand on the memory of being a kid, and visiting that place, and how that ties with your close relationship with your dad, which indirectly has a relationship with the Yale's environment.

I think you should start your paragraph by your third sentence... "As a kid..."

By expanding that one topic, it will sentimentalize it.

Hope that helps.
RabiaG   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / A short paragraph from my Why Northwestern essay. [4]

I like how you start off the paragraph.

"with a wide- non academic curriculum" I think you should reword this, you might want to say instead how the curiculum includes diverse opportunities for other things... I just perceived that part as a criticism to the school.

before that, you say "in some Greek house", take some consideration of the name of that exact house, you sound hesitant about it.

I believe you should add some sophisticated vocab. words here and there.
But that doesn't mean just find a synonym of the word for example "great" think of a intellect word, that you might say.

I hope to make many friends of different ethnicities and background...
I love this idea, but the wording is simple, you might want to say,
"I would like to acknowledge multifarious languages and cultures...etc etc
RabiaG   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "You're not going to college!" - CNR application essay [8]

The essay requires me to write about:Describe an event that has changed your life. How has
this event influenced your plans for a college education? I am limited to 500 words, but I asked the school and they allow a little bit over the required amount. I have 545 words. I would appreciate your honesty. Thank you!

I thought I lost eternal hope that day. It was the yelling of her elusive words that made the emotions of antagonism and astonishment shower my body. My comprehension to her words was like a fork picking up soup. However, it was the same words that held my fingers together to answer all the math problems in my Pre-Calculus textbook at 2 a.m. Regardless, the black sky did not stop me from sleeping.

I reminisced the weight of my mother's words as I turned the pages to the next logarithmic equation. "You're not going to college!" caused this infrequent trepidation in the ends of my arm hair. The Atlantic Ocean transported on to my face.

It was that same day that my younger sister deceptively instanced messaged boys from her class. She said it was because she yearned for assistance with her physics homework. I rolled my ideas at her insane idea. It was her typical excuse to overcome hostility with my pious parents about mingling with the opposite gender.

As she typed, I tip-toed behind her, preventing any sudden movements. With immense force and redness on my face, I grabbed the mouse from her, attempting to fulfill an older sister role. However she stubbornly pulled it back. "Who are you talking to!?" My teeth tightened. Gradually, the pulling and yelling exacerbated. I knew she was hiding something as resentment transferred to the pulling of my uneven curls. I persistently held her hand but she remained confident to burry me under her vigor.

In surrender, I screamed my older sister's name. The original scene resulted into a wrestling match with now an audience that contained my mother. My mother's unified eyebrows rushed into my sister's face. I gradually departed from her fingers. I meticulously stared at my mother's light skin transforming into reddish tones.

It was quite obvious that my mother was fed up with my sister's redundancy and illusiveness. She struggled to allow patience dominate her anger. She stood in the middle of the room and yelled out those words because of her dissatisfaction with her daughters. She believed that my sister was a replication of my actions, thus she did not wish for me to focus on college. She believed that I would end up as a misleading daughter. She believed that if I attended a university, I would abuse my newly given independence and freedoms. I despised how my mother placed me in the lower level of my sister in which she herself had created. She believed I too was unfit for college. She thought it would harm me rather than benefit me.

"You're not going to college!" repeated in my mind, as sanguinity gave me the ability to turn the pages, late at night. Neither phrase, nor assumptions were going to act as hindrances in my life. Motivation replaced my sensitivity. I was mentally encouraged to prove to my mother that I will attend college. I diligently thought of this desired success for my academic future. My mother's words stinged me into discovering the horrid possibility of not pursuing a college education. I plan to go to college to show who I really am. My mother needs to depart her ideal images of intertwining me and my sister's personalities as one.
RabiaG   
Dec 19, 2009
Poetry / NYU SUPPLEMENTAL LIMERICK/HAIKU/POEM [5]

I like both of the poems, but I like the first one, the most. I agree with the above comment, the first one is a little easier to understand in comparison to the second one. I like the first one because it shows disparity, but then hint of optimism, by saying that your fingers are wide.

So it shows that you've been through struggles, but you still look at the bright side of the things.

I like I like!

-Rabia gul
RabiaG   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / CMU: How my childhood experiences lead to my major of BME [5]

Well let me start my saying I love the vivid imagery. Amazing.

"sea of color", it presents a "passive voice", if you get what I mean.
Rearrange that specific part.
You can change it by saying for example:
I dug my tiny hands deep into the "colored sea."

It sounds better.

Instead of saying "wrong width..."
I think you should replace wrong with incorrect or some other synonym, because "wrong" is too simple.

I had been working on for over two hours. Instead of saying over two overs, say for numerous hours, something similar to that.

When you say of different dimesnions, don't mention that, because we already know blocks are
3-d. It sounds better without it.

I came to the realization that the body is system of intricate...
You forgot to mention the word "a" is a system of..

Overall your essay is engaging, just tiny things like this, throughout the essay makes it stronger.

-Rabia G.
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