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Posts by autogunny
Joined: Dec 28, 2009
Last Post: Jan 3, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 69  

Displayed posts: 72 / page 1 of 2
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autogunny   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Political Science Dept/ Study Abroad Why Tufts (50 words) [7]

equilibrist.

i would take that word and replace it with a non-sat word.

Tufts is the perfect place for me

take that out and instead of saying 'french culture and language' actually list out the specific things you want to learn.

For example say I can't wait to taste ____(food) and... etc.

Can you critique my BU three words?
autogunny   
Jan 2, 2010
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

They won't kill you for being an hour late. I would save the emails common app sends you. Maybe you can write an appeal to them later on..
autogunny   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / A Conversation between a granddady and his beloved grakid. UPenn Community Essay [5]

I led her

I lead her

It was him, who taught me how to build my own company. No matter what business you are in, you have to understand - by actually doing it - what it takes to do the lowest-level jobs involved in it.

too long of a sentence. cut it into two?

It's certainly unique.. I guess it would be okay. I really don't know.. I'm used to essays but the adcoms look for creativity more. Your essay was a nice change tho.. so I guess its okay :)

can you critique my BU 3 words essay
autogunny   
Jan 2, 2010
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

Ya, they mean 12 PM THEIR TIME. I'm just a few hours late will warrant you a grace period tho. I would submit it right NOW.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / I am different, risk-taker, seeker. Boston U Supp- 3 words that describe you. [5]

I like the first one, the second one doesn't show YOU. You need to show who you are beyond what's on the paper. Is that the only question you had?

Can you critique my essay also..its also for BU: essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/bu-words-prompt-please-critique-pin-polemical-inquisitive-13641/
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Concealing my culture essay [6]

I love your essay. I can speak Tamil, I don't know what "Nungi vanum" is tho. Is that kannada? Anyway, I really liked your essay, nice imagery. can you critique my BU 3 words essay :)?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App: Activity (photographer... work with my dad) [8]

I was now in the United States seeking the "American dream."

this seems out of place..

developed

develop

my studies, my community, and my family.

just choose one

abilities,

commitment is not an ability.

o be...and advo

be what?

Instituto Valladolid, where my parents wanted me to get my education, mainly because President Calderon, the current Mexico's president, graduated from there.

cut this sentence down. you can express the idea in a shorter way. all those commas are distracting.

Its a unique essay, it shows who you are. Just read it outloud and find out the hidden parts where it gets a little talk-y and you'll be good.

Can you critique my bu 3 words?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / BU 3 words prompt- "PIN: Polemical, Inquisitive, Nocturnal". [11]

But it's a common misconception that the owl can turn its head 360 degrees. It can unfortunately only do 270.

Gasp. I am shocked. Nice fact checking, thanks!

I like that you gave an image of you being in BU but what makes you think that this is how it will be?

Who really knows what their life in a uni. is gonna be? I avoided going way beyond such as I'm going to make this club or that club and organize this fundraiser. my original idea was to start a Thinktank but that sounded far-fetched.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Die, orphan! [7]

teaching them how to masterfully text wrap

help them master text wrap

children

students.. no one will say children because teenagers won't think of themselves that way.

I like your essay a lot :) Nice opening.

can you critique my bu 3 words?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU supplement - Summertime [3]

the city of lights

take that off.. it is too cliche. Maybe you can say: Las Vegas, the land of gambling,.. something funny ;)

new york

New York

and spent quality time with some relatives on a road trip covering much of the northeastern coast.

I would cut that out and elaborate more on meeting your half brother.

Can you critique my BU 3 words?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Lessons applied to my life' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality--Olive [3]

new friend. Her

connect these two sentences.

She was first patient

i get what you mean but that is not the right way to say this.

letter for a friend because she said she could not write.

common sentence. make it more creative.

On my last day at the nursing facility she wrote her name, number, and date of birth, on a piece of paper and handed it to me smiling.

nice imagery.

life

what part of your life. the facets of life are many...

I liked your essay. I want to meet Olive, she seems cool. I work with senior citizens also, they are all sweet.

Can you edit my bu 3 words?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am an incomplete portrait" - Essay for the Common App [2]

I'm seventeen years old, my body's in fine shape, and my mind's fresh

no contractions

engrossed juggling

engrossed in juggling

feelings in fear of them seeing me as ungrateful.

how would they find your ungrateful?

would be so much simple

no no phrase. it sounds banal.

Humans are pieces of pottery constantly being molded by the winds of experience.

nice :)

I look forward to college helping me with this goal.

i know its hard to tell but how can college EXACTLY help you do that.. its okay to guess but you have to say why you think college is the only place for this.

can you edit my bu 3 words?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "entrepreneurial drive and passion" - Why Stanford? Supplement [6]

Hey again.

It has been a lifelong dream of mine to go to Stanford.

Not a good way to start off your essay in that way. Even I want to go to stanford.. I think everyone does.

something special.

something that did what? revolutionized ..?

I like the essay, good luck :)

can you edit my bu 3 words?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "Helen" - Common App People Who Influenced Essay. [11]

pulchritudinous

i would take that word out.. it interrupts the flow.

," (Thank you)

I think its "(Thank you), but..

Eventually, she taug

actually say By tommorow or something..

I liked your essay, it was very easy to understand. Nice imagery in my head also

can you critique my bu 3 words?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - The Cycle I'm Indebted; I understand my purpose to my neighborhood [4]

As I turn the knob, cracking open the door, I spot a familiar face.

As I turn the knob and crack open the door, I apot..

Like many of the kids I tutor, Gabriel comes from a family of immigrants,just like many of the kids in my neighborhood.

He has difficulty with this subject.

why?

ended at six thirty and Gabriel's parents should have been here about half an hour ago

... why did you include this in here?

When I think about Gabriel and the kids like him that I tutor, I am reminded of myself.

you have already said this in first paragraph.

I str

I, like Gabriel, str..

Like Gabriel, coming from an immigrant family, I soon became of vital importance in my family.

how is gabriel of vital importance to his family. You never said this. Stop writing overly romantic sentences and stick to facts. Maybe you can say "One day, while tutoring, Gabriel came without doing his homework. When I asked him why, he said he had to help his mother learn English" or something. I'm tired of reading boring things that say the same thing. I want muscles.. right now your essay is a good skeleton. Just add the muscles(details).

can you critique mine?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

yes it is spelled wicker. Haha, me and my stupid typing skills..

"Do you have to submit your common app application for NYU today as well?"

Yes, you do. You have to submit the common app.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Democracy Camp - Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay [3]

constituents

wrong word to use

but not until on that three-day camp when I realized how different it is in the real world of politics

find a different way to introduce this concept.

have been

wrong tense

profound discussions.

how profound?

Since then, the topic of political leadership has sparked in me.

sounds banal..

Good concept, but there are grammar errors and lack of sentence variation. Its okay though, keep editing !

Can you check out my NYU paragraph at the end?
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

If you would have a look at mine as well:

I just did yours haha :D what a coincidence.

Interesting viewpoint, vanessapham. I guess I will change it a bit.. I was trying to go for the quotes and asking her if she believed I could change the world.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / AT THE 217TH PAGE, ANOTHER CHANCE BEGUN.-PENN U SUPPLEMENT ESSAY [13]

Is there anything I could not do? So I assumed.

revise sentence..

I could feel salt water burning my cheeks. I

actually say tears..

I liked your essay ,it gives a glimpse of ... NOW, which is really cool. It shows your personality also :)

Can you check out my NYU paragraph at the end of the thread:

and maybe read my common app to tell me what you think :)
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.)

Whoopi Goldberg, would you like to have a drink? Take this hot chocolate I made for you; it can get pretty chilly in here. Hey can I ask you some questions? "We're here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark". Now, that was your quote. I'm just wondering what the little torches are. What do I have to make the torches out of? I only have a small amount of wiker and reeds to make the torch. Do you think I can make a difference?

Do you think this response makes sense? I tried to be as creative as possible ;/ but I don't think its working.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

Thanks Paul and Jasmine and Natasha. Yes, I will add a little to the end cause its kinda unanimous in this thread and my other thread where the essay was longer(1017 words). I'm just wondering what to add..its kinda there in my head but I'm just not sure what kinda tone I should use when I relate it to college.

Thanks for helping you guys. I'll go edit some of your essays, I defn. have some time :D
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

Although my performance was for a classroom of thirty-six, the knowledge of that performance had spread to every member of the junior class. In addition, my teacher congratulated me at the end of performance and told me that she had never seen anything like it.

The bathroom was my rock, the scaffold I needed to gain the courage to perform. The courage to believe in myself was a result of my ability to keep my composure and keep persevering. Rumor has it that college is difficult and beyond anyone's total control but I know that I have a bathroom, closet, or any other tightly closed space where I can lock myself and escape out emboldened to face whatever uneasy situation blocks my path.

Would that be enough? I really do not want to muddle my essay with insightful talk, if you know what I mean. I think its kinda weird that I'm doing a narrative and then switching to introspective writing. But if it helps, then I'm all for it.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

so do you want me to talk a little more about the performance itself at the classroom? or do you want me to connect this experience to college. It was never my intention to connect to college in the first place. Almost all of it was just me talking about my experience and the reader can take what he wants from it.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Common app supplements-- 2050 movie, famous NYorker, poem on me, why NYU? [4]

Your new york essay is solid.

Your movie seems to seep into the story line of Avatar. I would tone down the virtual reality stuff or change it. If I think its like Avatar, the adcoms certainly will. I know you have a passion for computer games but you can DO ANYTHING WITH THAT. I would scrap this movie and go for a game style movie. For example, one day you are born as a character in a popular game. Maybe you are born as Mario and you have to play through or something like that.

Your "Why NYU" thing is kinda generic. Find out exactly why computer games can work at NYU. Maybe you like a certain class or a certain professor?

Can you critique my common app.
autogunny   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "Single-eyed giant" - WoW essay: good or bad? [21]

three am

3 AM

[b]It's an excellent essay. The Wow imagery was wonderful and realistic. Your analysis was understandable. Nice :)

Can you edit my common app essay:
autogunny   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
autogunny   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

My essay has gone down from 1017 words to 620 words. I just want to know what you guys think. Of course, I will crit back :)

When my teachers assigned complicated midterm projects, I started, quite literally, cavorting around the classroom. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not the type to win over a teacher's affection by expressing an implausible amount of geniality. Nope, I genuinely loved projects.

So when my English teacher announced a Huckleberry Finn project, my reaction was a mixture of whooping and fist slamming. By the end of that day, I met with my group and decided upon a Huck Finn parody. This was Tuesday. Our presentation? Friday. By Wednesday, however, the situation had done a back flip. During school, my group members had secretly assembled together and voted unanimously on the idea of a musical. So much for democracy, right? Inspired by Machiavelli, I decided upon a cunning plan.

At the group meeting on Thursday, I turned to Mia and said, "But I dance like a caterpillar. You know that! You saw me at the winter formal". She reluctantly agreed. Encouraged, I turned to Rick and said, "I sing like a troll. You were there at Ritmo Latino". At this point, Anika, Jazz, and Robert pulled Rick and Mia to their side and rejected all of my "excuses", as they called them. It was clear I had been defeated. My group mates were standing together, forming a wall defending their musical idea from the onslaught of my chicanery.

In order to prevent further acrimony, I reluctantly ran through the skit. Curiously, I managed to croak through the Pokemon theme song and move my legs to Elvis' Jailhouse Rock. With the act over, I was astonished at my equanimity. At the very least, I had assumed I would be paralyzed by anxiety halfway through my lines.

In fact, I felt so overjoyed that I explained exactly why I refused to do a musical. At the time, it had felt so right to confide that the reason for my cynical behavior was simply the fact that I was scared. I promised them that I would perform flawlessly tomorrow morning and left for home.

Unfortunately, my confidence came with an expiration date. Entering the house, I strolled upstairs to my room, sat on the desk, and slammed my forehead upon it. The embarrassment had arrived later than expected. With contempt and bitterness, I realized how ironically I had put myself in a jail through my own actions. In the crux of that trying situation, however, I found the key to restore my confidence and as a result, break me out the jail. I was not so shocked at my discovery of the key, but rather its simplicity.

Taking the script with me, I sprinted to the bathroom and locked the door. Determined I convinced myself that the bathroom would be my jail. The only way I could get out of this jail was to run through the skit flawlessly. Script in one hand, I recited my dialogue without a problem. When it came time to perform the Pokemon theme song, I maintained eye contact with my reflection on the mirror and sang the theme song out loud. The sight did not look so bad after all. When I came out the bathroom nearly two hours later, my Jailhouse Rock moves were comparable to Elvis' himself.

Although my performance was for a classroom of thirty-six, the knowledge of that performance had spread to every member of the junior class. In addition, my teacher congratulated me at the end of performance and told me that she had never seen anything like it. Rumor has it that college is difficult and beyond anyone's total control but I know that I have a bathroom, closet, or any other tightly closed space where I can lock myself and escape out emboldened to face whatever uneasy situation blocks my path.
autogunny   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "The Prelude": Yale Supplement Essay, along with a few others [3]

I personally love your piece but not as much as I love that Bach piece you mentioned ;P
I like your descriptions.. cellists have always interested me so your experience is very interesting. I wouldn't change anything, its perfect :)

can you critique my NYU supplements(its in the middle of the thread): essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/common-app-essay-embarrasing-time-answer-prompt-feedback-13779/

autogunny   
Dec 31, 2009
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

I called up Boston University a month ago and they said they would even accept January SAT scores(released Feb.) so your situation is not a problem.
autogunny   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / GRANDMOMMY UPENN ESSAY - one day you would share the same dreams that I had [24]

Wow, this essay shows some work. I like how you pulled out a sorority(is that actually in UPenn? I don't see any grammar errors, to be honest, and the sentences have variety. It's a really good essay :)

Do you mind critiquing my common app essay? I know you did the NYU supplements thanks :)

autogunny   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement Prompt #2 [What voice would you add?] [4]

an adrenaline-induced racing heartbeat.

a racing heartbeat clearly induced by adrenaline.

Through the months that I have been a medic, I have learnt

Months of being a medic has taught me to

To conclude,

Never say conclude.. its like essay suicide.

Well for someone who read your previous essay on training as a medic, I would say this essay is fantastic. I would take off concluding sentence and say something funny at the end such as "If Tufts ever needs a __________________, I am the right man for the job.

Can you edit my NYU supplements. I would love to have someone who read both my common app and BU essay do those also :D Its in the middle of the thread:
autogunny   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I love psychology -Cornell supp [7]

How was it possible that I had believed with such conviction that the line on top was longer than the line beneath it, but upon measuring them both, found them to be exactly the same length?

Excellent sentence but needs a little rewording to maintain sentence flow.

heady

heavy

that answers

answering

declares the meaning of human existence to be forty-two, indeed, my love for psychology continues unabated

I actually laughed out loud but not all people might get this joke.

[b]This would go in the "Topic of your Choice". It shows your personality, don't worry. I am also taking Psychology so I understood those people you pulled into the essay. Not all people might get it though. I'm pretty sure Adcoms cannot parlay with Psychology. It's a unique topic though.

Can you take a look at my common app essay as well?

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