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Posts by EF_Team5
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Last Post: Nov 27, 2008
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Posts: 1,586  

From: USA

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EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / New York Table Tennis Club - NEED HELP WITH UNDERGRADUATE ESSAY [2]

Good morning :)

In regards to mechanics, avoid contractions in formal academic writing. For instance, "wasn't" should be "was not."

Make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Division" shouldn't be capitalized.

Since you didn't post the prompt with your essay, I'm not sure if this is a fitting response or not, but it is well organized and sequential; the body sticks to the introduction topic, and your conclusion doesn't introduce any new information.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "my understanding of communication" - UC prompt#1 [4]

Good morning :)

Mechanically, this essay looks very clean. In regards to content, this is a very well organized response to the prompt. You describe the experience very well and relate it to how it has shaped your dreams. Your body sticks to your intro and your conclusion doesn't introduce any new information and wraps the piece up nicely. Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - "I was a loaded spring" [11]

The first thing to do is to trim off things that really aren't vital to the essay. For instance, "Soon, other kids were exposed to my "ready, set, let's go!" character. Life was perfect in elementary school, but then middle school interrupted. While my friends lost their untiring youth day by day, I still had plenty to spare. Not always so spirited, my classmates would, at times, give me a hostile glance through their weary eyes. Discouraged, I toned down my enthusiasm, which appeased everyone but me. I felt like I had been locked away in a mental institution. I just didn't understand why people didn't share my vigor" could probably be removed without hurting your overall essay.

Take a look at the piece and see what you can trim without really hurting your point. If it doesn't act as a vehicle to move your point, it can be removed. For instance, is "

Then again, sometimes order just needs to "chill" and have some fun. Memorizing vocabulary, working out physics problems, and studying for tests through cramming, in the little "academic bubble" I call my desk, just isn't my style. Often, I find myself reiterating formulas while doing silly dances and undulating my voice. Somehow, this crazy method of memorization works and also serves to entertain my brother and mom who laugh and occasionally dance along with me. Of course, I kept it all at home" absolutely vital to the prompt?
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / 'in front of a microscope' - UC personal statements #1! [3]

Good morning :)

Mechanically, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Biochemistry" and "Molecular Biology" shouldn't be capitalized.

In regards to content, I think this is a good answer to the prompt. You describe the experiences and what you have gained as a result. Your body sticks to your introduction, and your conclusion wraps it all up. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / the relationship between arts and the society - another music essay [2]

Good morning :)

"Um...hii." Silence. "Okay...well...I will play a piece called ...uh..Arabesque by Debussy. I hope you like it..." M y voice trailed off."

Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing! This is a very beautifully described piece. Very fine work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / UC application #2 (describing activities in limited space) [2]

Good morning :)

Let's see:

1. "in" should be "to."

2. "them" should be "it."

3. Remove the comma after "text."

4. Other what?

5. "are" should be "is."

Excellent ideas and descriptions. Keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / my activities list - UC application [2]

Good morning :)

Sure!

Avoid using "we." That makes it sound like more than one person is writing the paper. Instead try using "me" or "I."

'markets' should be "markets."

Otherwise, I think this list looks really good. Great job!

Regards,
Gloria
MOderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "emos" University of Michigan; grammar check [2]

Good morning :)

In regards to mechanics, a few suggestions.

'emo'. should be "emo."
Make sure you are using double quotation marks (") instead of the single apostrophe mark (').

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "didn't" should be "did not."

"I have learned that the cover of the book does not you the points..." This is awkward; what do you mean here?

"My mysterious friend of mine..." is repetitive; rewrite.

In regards to content, this is a great example to answer this prompt with. I especially like your conclusion.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "My family guides and supports me" - UC personal statement [7]

Good morning :)

You do a great job describing your family and their influence on you, as well as how they have helped shape the person you have become. What about your family and their influence on you makes you proud?

I think if you acknowledge that facet of the prompt the piece will be well rounded.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / to make school my priority - UC personal statement [5]

Good morning :)

I think this makes a great start. You describe the attribute that makes you proud and how it has changed you into the person you are today. Your conclusion should restate the main points that you discussed in your paper and not introduce any new information. Your piece might contain something about your parents' influence and your participation in these groups. The most important thing is to make sure you don't include any new information in it; it should tell your audience what you've already told them.

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - If you were an admission counselor, what would you think? [19]

I think that if you begin with single complete sentences that concisely answer the prompt right away, you'll stay on track. For instance, begin one with "This has shaped me into the person I am today by/because..." and then finish the sentence. After you have done that, you can follow up with one or two sentences (if necessary) to further explain. Once you've done that for all of those questions, you can remove the supports (This has shaped me into the person I am today by/because) and see how it stands on its own, and then fill in the gaps from there.

Writing is very much like constructing buildings; you begin with a skeleton, add some supports, work a bit filling it in, remove the supports, see if it stands, fill in the holes, make it stronger, trim away the parts you don't need, put on any adornments and final touches, and then comes the unveiling!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / My involvement in theater - Acting was officially my new hobby. UC transfer essay [11]

Good morning :)

Very much improved! Great work! A few mechanical suggestions. First, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; therefore, "didn't" should be "did not." Check for other contractions in the piece as well.

Avoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "but," "so," or "and."

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

I think the focus of this piece is much better than your first draft. The flow is smoother and you are more focused overall. Great job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "to push myself to be in top classes" - NEEDS REVISION PROMPT 1 [2]

Good morning :)

Mechanically, some suggestions:

"Partying, drinking, and cussing; I knew this was not me."

"underdogs. "

"I on looked as my fellow peers get into...

This should be "I looked on" and "got" instead of "get" so that you stay in the same tense.

In regards to content, I'm not sure if this is a good fit or not because you didn't include the prompt in your question. Overall, it looks well organized and it flows smoothly. Your conclusion doesn't introduce any new information, and your body sticks to the topic of your introduction.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Growing up knowing I had Transcobalmin II was a little alienating - essay about determination [3]

Good morning :)

Just a little to add:

Make sure to avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "wasn't" should be "was not."

"Shouldn't life be fun and easy." When you are asking a question, make sure you end it with a question mark.

In regards to content, you have done a fantastic job explaining the experience to us and describing how it relates to the person you are now, but what about it had made you proud?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Book Reports / A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS RESEARCH; CHILD MARRIAGE, EDUCATION, IMMIGRATION [3]

Good morning :)

I am not sure what your required citation style is, but you should double check it in regards to inline citations. They do vary, but generally an inline citation such as that in your first paragraph should look something like this:

of it" (Afghanistan Online). Child marriages are common...
Also, usually they require you to state the author's name or page number as an identifier in the piece.

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for example, "it's" should be "it is," unless it's a direct quote.

The first section seems unfinished, maybe even rushed. I'm not sure you if you are finished or not, but make sure that your paragraphs have an introduction, a body, and a conclusion that doesn't introduce new information before moving on to your next paragraph.

In regards to content, you are very organized which makes the piece very readable. You go point by point and use supporting information along with the primary text, making your essay stronger and more credible. As I stated before, make sure that you include proper introductions and conclusions to your paragraphs as well as the overall beginning and ending of your piece. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Graduate / MPH admissions essay; any topic related to why you want to enter the program 1 page long [4]

Good morning :)

Congratulations on the choice to apply to college! Here are my thoughts:

"assists" should be "assist."

"Field of Public Health" is not a proper noun and thus shouldn't be capitalized.

I suggest linking the two first sentences of your last paragraph with a comma instead of making them two separate sentences; this will help with the natural flow of the piece.

In regards to your content, I think you've done a fine job. Your piece is very well organized, stays to the topic, has nicely structured paragraphs, and flows well overall. Your introduction is both concise and appropriate, and your closing wraps up the whole piece very nicely. Great work!

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Applying to Mays Business School at A&M - Business School Admission Paper [3]

Good morning :)

Make sure you are placing commas after every item in your lists. For instance, "intelligent" should have a comma after it. Look carefully through your essay for other instances such as this one (as there are more) and make those corrections before final submission.

In your closing you mention good grades and a drive to succeed, yet you haven't discussed those in your paper. Make sure that you don't introduce new information in your conclusion, and that your conclusion reiterates the main subjects that you wrote about in the content. Since you didn't discuss your grades or your perseverance, I suggest either adding the appropriate sections and material in your body pertaining to them, or remove them completely from your closing.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / UC PROMPT; My father has played a tremendous part - me as an civil engineer [3]

Good morning :)

Make sure you are using punctuation at the end of every sentence, including dialogue. Therefore, "Huh" should have some kind of ending punctuation inside the quotation marks.

"...stop such tragic, but..." Stop such tragic what? You are missing something here; never assume your readers will fill it in for you. Make sure you are always writing exactly what you mean.

Is "General Contracting Company" the actual name of his firm? If not, it's not a proper noun and shouldn't be capitalized.

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "didn't" should be "did not."

In regards to the content, I believe this is a very appropriate response to the prompt. You thoroughly discuss your father and how his experiences and influence have shaped you into who you are today and what you want to do with your life. The story is sequential with good flow and a nice conclusion. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / To adapt in a multicultural environment - need help profreading my essay [3]

Good morning :)

"Ultimately, one may able to exercise his knowledge in order to associate..."

There are a few things wrong with this sentence. First, you use the pronouns "one" and "he" here, and your subject always needs to match. Choose either "he" or "one," but not both. Secondly, look closely at this section; is it missing something? Make sure that you are including enough words to make a complete sentence that makes sense; never assume your reader will add words in for you as they go along.

Avoid using abbreviations such as "etc." in formal academic writing; go ahead and write out your entire list, or shorten it using commas after each item in the listing, along with "and" before your last item in the list. Remember to always place a comma after the item that comes before the "and" when listing items.

In regards to content, I'm not sure if this answers the prompt because you didn't include the prompt with your posting, but it is organized and it flows well, has a body that matches your introduction, and a conclusion that doesn't introduce new information. All good things; keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Writing Feedback / Personal Response -The Wars [3]

Good morning :)

I think this is a great piece; it is very organized and answers, point by point, all of the areas of the prompt. I think it flows well; your paragraphs are well structured and you use leading transitions between each of them to let the reader know that even though you are changing the topic, your subject is still connected. The only thing I would work on is that you use the noun "war" many times; so many that it is risking becoming repetitive. Look for synonyms for war to break that up and make your essay a bit more colorful. Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / UC prompt #1- "lived in one town my whole life" [2]

Good morning :)

First, make sure that you really are writing what you mean to say. For instance, did you mean "...nearest amusement park is not that far of a drive"? Look through your piece carefully for errors such as this one before final submission.

Is "Day" a proper noun? Should it be capitalized?

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "it's" should be "it is."

I don't think your conclusion really applies to your paper. In it, you discuss your grandparents' importance to you, but your paper doesn't refer to them until the last two paragraphs. Your conclusion should reiterate all of the main points you wrote of in your paper and not introduce new information. In this case, it should discuss your home and all of your family. Make sure that it really fits the paper you wrote.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / In Japanese, my name literally means straight arrow; COMMON APP [3]

Good morning :)

The thing that I notice right off is your varying tense. For instance, you begin with "I will live a life where I would keep moving..." choose either past or present tense and then stay with it throughout the entire piece.

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "it's" should be "it is."

Make sure you are placing your punctuation immediately after the last word of your sentence and capitalizing the first words of sentences.

Instead of saying "have gotten" try a more formal word choice such as "received."

Make sure you are stating exactly what you want to say. Never assume your audience knows what you mean. For instance, "By keeping my attendance , I have proved..." By keeping your attendance what? Perfect? Probably, but don't make your reader guess what you mean.

In regards to content, I'm not sure whether or not this is a good response to the prompt because you didn't include the prompt in your posting, but this looks like a well organized, nicely structured piece. You have a body that sticks to your introduction and topic, and a conclusion that doesn't introduce new information. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "the school varsity tennis team" - Prompt #2 [7]

Good morning :)

How about times in your life where you have achieved something that you didn't think you could, or when you helped someone in need? What about an instance where it was tough to do the right thing and show moral character, and you did? Or, when you stood up for someone else when they were in need/distress?

Think about one very narrow incident, with these things in mind. I'm absolutely positive you've done great things in life that would make you proud :)
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "International Relations" UC prompt 1. Europe gave me a hunger and passion for new knowledge [3]

Good morning :)

I think you've got a great response here. You describe the event and it's result (your career choice), but I don't really see a strong connection to what you gained from that event. It sounds like you have always had a background and an interest that would suit you for international relations, but what was it specifically about this trip that was beneficial to you? Once you expound upon that a bit more, I think this will be a great submission. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "to work at a hospital helping children" - personal quality, talent [4]

I think this is a great response that absolutely answers the prompt. You describe the events that are important to you, how you responded to them, and how it relates to the person you are. The only thing missing is how this makes you proud. You could discuss how you and your family helping makes you proud, or that you were able to alter your perception of your life. Other than that, I don't think I'd change anything! Nice work.
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "hope to be a vanguard of technology" -Describe the world you come from. [3]

Good evening :)

I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and included more general comments in regards to the rest:

"I remember a phrase I had heard years ago that intrigued me: "One World and No StrangersThe "O" should be the only capitalized letter here. ." I was struck by its utterly simple, yet profound meaning. When I moved to America from Hong Kong, my stunted English always stood between me and the other children; however, it did not hamper me from fixing computers for those that encountered problems. My short, punctuated keystrokes and hurried clicks would melt stubborn, frozen screens, to the enormous excitement of the owner. On more than one occasion, this connection was the sole foundation for a strong friendship, and I realized that technology would become the bridge for me to interact with everyone else. With the help of technology, I soon assimilated into my new culture."

There should be a comma after "invention."

"Web Entrepreneur" isn't a proper noun, so it shouldn't be capitalized.

Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "hasn't" should be "has not."

In regards to content, I think you've got a great response here. It is well organized, it has nice flow, and the transitions are smooth. You answer all of the aspects of the prompt, and do it with enough detail to keep your audience interested. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 27, 2008
Speeches / Presentation on Pepsi advert speech [2]

Good evening :)

Your post is seeking course specific answers, and as such my free assistance will be very limited because your question refers to very specific source material out of my area of expertise that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support, or alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit for grammar and mechanics.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 26, 2008
Research Papers / Grammar and sentence structure check needed for my economics report! [3]

Good evening :)

I have edited one paragraph from your essay fully, and included some general comments in regards to the rest of it:

"When the unemployment rate goes down, it increases workers' demand for higher wages.š As compared to the theories of Robert Gordon, Karl Marx, and Michael Kalecki, all agreed that although NAIRU changes over time, but capitalists purposely avoid full employment because it would weaken profits.š Friedman's view, on the other hand, wasIs this a view he still holds, or has it changed? If it is one he still holds, this should be "is." that mass unemployment results when workers demand wages more than their productivity.š After understanding the class conflict, some important issues can be seen clearly. For instance, workers' demand of increasing wages does not cause inflation directly because power is in the hands of the "capitalists, " not the workers. š In contrast, inflation occurs when capitalists fulfill their workers' demands for higher wages by increasing the prices on the goods and services.š Pollin said that the worker's well-being cannot be determined by the full employment.š From the 1990's workers could not increase in their wages; therefore, the United States needs a well-developed policy to maintain full employment and living wage levels while controlling the inflation.š"

In regards to punctuation, make sure that you are including your punctuation inside your quotation marks. For instance, "Unemployment and Inflation", should have the comma inside the last quotation mark.

Watch your use of commas; for instance, "...workers such as,..." shouldn't have a comma after "as."

Your citations look great, as does your works cited page. Double check your required citation style's requirements for the works cited page; the entries should be alphabetized.

In regards to content, I am not very versed in this field of expertise, but it looks very well organized and well planned to me. Your overall organization is good, and your paragraph structures look great. You seem to answer all of the questions in the prompt, and have a good intro and conclusion. I suggest you have the piece looked over by a classmate or another person well versed in this field before you submit to double check the content.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 26, 2008
Undergraduate / Runners in my school - Prompt 2 [2]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, watch run-on sentences. For instance, your first sentence is a run-on. Make sure you break them up with proper punctuation or split them into independent clauses with periods and capital letters.

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing, as it is inappropriate. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "I'll" should be "I will."

Remember the difference between "its" (possession) and "it's" (contraction). Have you used the correct form in this sentence: "...keep that amount at it's maximum"?

In regards to content, I'm not sure if this is a good response to the prompt or not because you didn't include the prompt in your posting. As a standalone essay, it looks good. You are organized, your paragraphs are well structured, and your overall flow is good.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 26, 2008
Undergraduate / "Born in France" - UC prompt 1 and 2 [8]

Good evening :)

I think you've got a good start here. How does this experience make you proud? What did it have to do with making you the person you are today? You begin to touch on this last one, but the admissions board will be looking for some pretty deep self-evaluation in this regard.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 26, 2008
Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 - my academic experience [4]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "and," "but," or "so." Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "wouldn't" should be "would not."

How/why does this experience make you proud?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 26, 2008
Undergraduate / From Los Angeles to a small, rural town - UC Prompt #1 Essay [2]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

In regards to content, I think you've got a great piece here. It is very organized, answers the prompt well, and is very smooth. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'US financial meltdown' / 'Khaled Hosseini' / 'Authors' - Three short answer essays [3]

Good evening :)

The only corrections I have are mechanical. First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "I've" should be "I have." Second, make sure you are properly using commas in a series. For instance, "Edgar allen Poe, Shakespeare and George Orwell" should have a comma after "Shakespeare." Same thing in the sentence about JK Rowling.

In regards to content, I think all three of these are great responses. They are clear and concise, right to the point, and very easy to read. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

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